Chapter Text
ACT I
SCENE I
Enter Time, Twilight, Wild, Legend, Hyrule, Warriors, Wind, Four, and Sky to Untitled Group.
TIME
Good Morr’w To Thee, Boys, I Bid Thee Well,
F’r I Cometh To Thee With A Decree.
Time hast altered thine name to Father Time.
FATHER TIME
Thou Hast Been Summoned To A Shower, Doth
Not Be Absent When The Hour Cometh.
Expect A Letter Tom’rrow From Me.
SCENE II
Enter Legend, Hyrule, Four, Wind, and Wild to Shower Crashers.
LEGEND
we needed to begin planning this last spring.
this is big.
HYRULE
Art we truly scheming to be fools at
Time’s unborn kin’s shower of all places?
That doth not seem like the clev’rest plan…
LEGEND
Hyrule, thou is’t a killjoy. begone.
Exit Hyrule from Shower Crashers.
LEGEND
doth anyone else dareth defy me?
WILD
>:)
LEGEND
what in the ev’rloving fuck is that?
wherefore doest thou act like this? by the three...
SCENE III
Enter Twilight, Warriors, Sky, Wild, and Hyrule to Shower Planners.
TWILIGHT
I need thee four to help make sure Legend
Doest not disrupt this shower. This is big.
WILD
you can count on me, Twi ;)
WARRIORS
Prithee, could I request someone translate
Wild’s messages? They cause me great pain.
Eke, I am fairly sure that Legend is
Planning something. I shall keep an eye out.
TWILIGHT
I should has’t known as much. Allow me one moment.
Enter Twilight and Time.
TWILIGHT
Congratulations, Time! This is great news!
I wond’r if a guest is permitted?
Asking for a friend, of course. Not f’r me.
TIME
My Boy, I Feel I Must Inquire Here,
Is It Midna You Seek To Bring Along?
TWILIGHT
Time, I said I wast asking for a friend.
Enter Twilight to Shower Planners.
TWILIGHT
Gather ‘round, I think I may has’t a plan.
I think ‘tis high time we get Legend hitch’d.
Enter Wild to Shower Crashers.
WILD
Twilight is trying to stop us from ‘ruining’ Time’s shower
LEGEND
thank thee f’r the notice, I thought as much
FOUR
what is the plan?
LEGEND
we fight flame with flame, an eye for an eye.
WIND
Didst I heareth arson? I am in, aye.
SCENE IV
Enter Warriors and Ravio.
WARRIORS
Greetings Ravio, it hast been a while!
How art thou? How is’t business? Well, I hope!
RAVIO
All is well, thank thee. Dost thou needeth something?
There is a sale on fireworks to-day.
WARRIORS
I shall keepeth that in mind. Thou dost reside with Legend, nay?
RAVIO
I doth…
WARRIORS
Platonically?
RAVIO
Correct...
WARRIORS
I may has’t a solution to that.
RAVIO
Pray tell.
Enter Four and Warriors.
FOUR
good morr’w, Wars,
wouldst thee happen
to has’t Midna’s
contact? just ask-
-ing f’r a friend
WARRIORS
Nay, I doth not, and even if I did,
I wouldst not trust thee with it.
FOUR
so be it, then
Enter Four to Shower Crashers.
FOUR
Warriors shall not
help us. Wind, thou
knows what to do
WIND
Oh, I am so glad f’r this
Enter Twilight to Shower Planners.
TWILIGHT
Warriors, pray tell, doth thee has’t any news?
TWILIGHT
Wars?
SCENE V
Enter Ravio and Legend.
RAVIO
Aye, I intercept’d thine mail this morn’.
A baby shower? Doth mine eyes deceive me?
LEGEND
please refrain from nosing in my business.
RAVIO
May I cometh?
LEGEND
wherefore wouldst thou ever desire to
do such a thing? ‘twill be boring as hell.
RAVIO
Legend, thou must think me an idiot.
Mine own friend, attending a party, aye?
With no scheme to ruin it? Preposterous.
LEGEND
I hath no clue as to what you imply.
RAVIO
Wild depart’d a moment ago,
After buying a crate of fireworks.
LEGEND
aye? that man is a pyromaniac,
your theory holds no water, this means naught.
RAVIO
Four and Wind also each bought a crate. That is thrice the legal amount. Hark, if thou doth
not permit me to cometh and watch the show, I will simply tell Warriors what thou is’t up
to…
LEGEND
so be it, but do not get in our way. this is big.
Enter Wind to Shower Crashers.
WIND
Aye, the information is secured!
Wind delivered Midna’s Contact to the room.
WIND
Thou should hath seen the look on Wars’ face when I leapt from the window with his address
book. T’was the most amusing thing I hath seen in weeks.
LEGEND
excellent work, Wind. pray tell, where did thee
hide the explosives? we must be careful.
FOUR
they are at my
lodgings for now.
we can move them
to the barn the
evening prior
LEGEND
perfect.
SCENE VI
Enter Twilight to Shower Planners.
TWILIGHT
Warriors, where the hell art thou?
WARRIORS
Twilight, apologies, I hath returned.
Wind hath committ’d three felonies in
Nabbing my address book… I fear thou is’t
Plotting something of dire consequence.
HYRULE
Wherefore thine address book? Odd strategy.
TWILIGHT
Dear Goddess. Doth not bid me. Is she in thine contacts?
WARRIORS
...Mine deepest apologies, Twilight.
Enter Wild to Shower Crashers.
WILD
Twi is losing his shit and it’s amazing to watch
has someone called Midna yet?
LEGEND
not yet. I hath grand’r plans f’r him...
Enter Twilight and Wind.
TWILIGHT
Prithee, I am begging thee. Doth not give
Legend Midna’s contact information.
WIND
Whose contact? I doest not know what thou is’t speaking of.
Enter Twilight and Legend.
TWILIGHT
I sweareth to Hylia if’t thee sendeth for that woman I shall kill thee and I shall savour ev’ry
moment of it.
LEGEND
I doth not know what thee is’t speaking of.
looking f’rward to seeing thee at the shower! it hath been too long.
TWILIGHT
Thou is’t a dead man.
Enter Sky to Shower Planners.
SKY
Apologies all, I hath just risen.
Wherefore doth I has’t ov’r one-hundred
Unread messages? Hylia help me.
ACT II
SCENE I
Enter Ravio and Warriors.
RAVIO
I am in.
WARRIORS
Thank the Goddesses, and thank thee dearly.
Prithee, keep a sharp eye out f’r scheming?
I cannot has’t him ruining Time’s day.
RAVIO
Thou can counteth on me.
Enter Ravio and Legend.
RAVIO
Pray tell, what is thy plan?
LEGEND
Wherefore doth thou needst to know?
RAVIO
I am simply curious.
LEGEND
I highly doubt that.
Enter Legend to Shower Crashers.
LEGEND
Our enemies hath swayed Ravio to their cause. I shall need reinforcements.
WILD
leave it to me
Enter Wild and Malon.
WILD
so here’s the plan…
SCENE II
Enter Legend to Shower Crashers.
LEGEND
tonight we plan, for tom’rrow we strike.
Four, art the pieces in their positions?
FOUR
aye, all is set
LEGEND
Wild, doest thou has’t any news on Twilight?
WILD
let me check
Enter Wild and Twilight.
WILD
how’s it going?
TWILIGHT
All is well. I am sharpening my blade
Lest an emergency take place at the
Shower tom’rrow. Thou knows how it is.
Enter Wild to Shower Crashers.
WILD
he’s freaking out
LEGEND
excellent. our plans art in ord’r then.
alloweth the chaos to commence.
Enter Twilight and Warriors.
TWILIGHT
Thou shalt keep an eye out for Midna, will thee not?
WARRIORS
Aye, I shall let thee know the minute she arrives.
TWILIGHT
Many thanks. I cannot wait to wipe the smug look off Legend’s face.
SCENE III
Legend to Shower Crashers.
LEGEND
do mine eyes deceive me, or is that her? bid me this is not some wondrous dream
FOUR
dost thou refer
to Midna and
Twilight over
th’re, together?
WIND
I assumed thou asked her here, as a jest?
LEGEND
Nay, I didst not.
WILD
wait what? 0-0
LEGEND
I aspir’d to has’t Twilight think I did invite her so he wouldst be in a panic all eve dreading
her arrival. Howev’r, this… is so much bett’r .
Enter Twilight and Warriors.
TWILIGHT
Wherefore doest Legend appear so satisfied? He hath not ceased laughing since she arrived
and I am beginning to wond’r if I have fallen f’r some elab’rate prank.
WARRIORS
Aye, and Ravio hath been laughing with him…
I think we hath been duped.
Enter Four to Shower Crashers.
FOUR
I cometh with
troubling news.
the fireworks
hath gone missing.
LEGEND
oh no.
Hyrule to Shower Planners.
HYRULE
Merry news. I hath discovered and hid
two boxes of fireworks. I think their
plan is officially foil’d to-day.
TWILIGHT
Thank Hylia, at least something hast gone right.
Enter Wild and Malon.
WILD
we good to go?
MALON
The box is on the roof! Prithee, be quick.
I wouldst not want thou breaking thine arm thrice.
WILD
that only happened one time!
Enter Twilight to Shower Planners.
TWILIGHT
Hyrule, did thee not retrieve the fireworks?!
HYRULE
I didst! They all w’re hidden in the barn!
SKY
Pray tell, how did they then manage that show?
WARRIORS
We has’t a traitor in our midst…
Enter Twilight and Wild.
TWILIGHT
I can see thee up th’re.
Come hither.
I simply wish to speak with thee.
Enter Legend to Shower Crashers.
LEGEND
all’s well that ends well, I believe our plan hath been a success. cheers to thee all.
FOUR
didst thou not see
Wild running
for his life not
a minute past?
LEGEND
that is’t his problem, not mine.
ACT III
SCENE I
Enter Father Time to Untitled Group.
FATHER TIME
Hark! For I Must Thank Thee All For Thine Gifts,
Thou Hath Made A Shower To Remember.
Malon Didst Warn Me Of A Surprise, And
Thou Didst Not Disappoint. Bravo, My Boys.
SCENE II
Enter Twilight to Shower Planners.
TWILIGHT
Time knew all along, our work wast f’r naught…
WARRIORS
We hath been had once more.
SKY
I cannot comprehend wherefore thou even try. Legend hast always found a way…
HYRULE
T’was enjoyable to watch, I cannot lie.
TWILIGHT
Hyrule, not thee too!
Enter Legend to Shower Crashers.
LEGEND
alas for the element of surprise.
WIND
Whomst sold us out? I simply wish to speak with thee.
‘Tis not a threat! Unless...
FOUR
t’was Ravio?
I didst not trust
that rogue merchant.
LEGEND
nay, Ravio was beside me the entire event. likely to prevent Twilight and I from brawling,
though it appears that Wild required the protection more than I.
lest...
Enter Legend and Warriors.
LEGEND
Warriors, thou didst plan for this, did thee not?
WARRIORS
Nay? Whatever do you mean?
LEGEND
I attest thou didst convince Ravio
to accompany me to the shower,
lest I be occupied by his presence.
WARRIORS
Nay, I wouldst nev’r!
Did thee enjoy last eve? I received a lovely thanks from Ravio this morn, he seems quite
pleased with thine chivalry .
LEGEND
Wind hast thine address book. doest thou think I shall not use it?
WARRIORS
Thine threats are empty. Thou didst not even use it this time.
SCENE III
Enter Twilight and Wild.
TWILIGHT
Wild, I wish to speak with thee about
the party last eve. I apologize.
WILD
I’m not talking to you right now :(
TWILIGHT
Wild, prithee hear my words. I didst not know!
For mine own actions, I hath been deceived.
Last eve, I didst think thou the enemy!
WILD
you ruined my favorite tunic, Twi! and after all I did to make Time and Malon’s day special…
TWILIGHT
I shall buy you a new one! I beg thee,
Whatever shall I do for thine pardon?
WILD
well…
SCENE IV
Enter Legend and Twilight.
LEGEND
I hath just been made aware thou gaveth Wild thine Dominion Rod. wherefore in the hell
didst thee think that wouldst be a clever plan? he hast recruited Wind and the two terrors hath
been reorganizing my belongings all week. ‘tis driving me mad.
TWILIGHT
Good Morr’w, Legend.
Thank thee for the note, I hath no regrets.
LEGEND
this means war.
TWILIGHT
Do thine worst.
THE END