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It started, rather surprisingly, not with Dazai, or with Ranpo or even Atsushi, but with Kyouka. The newest official member of the Armed Detective Agency (a status she pretty much only held because nobody had ever actually gotten around to designing an entrance exam for Lucy or Poe) had marched into the office one morning, head held high, and deposited a flyer in the lap of one very surprised Doppo Kunikida.
"RARE BOOK FESTIVAL," said the flyer. And then below that "YOKOHAMA" and finally "SATURDAY" - which, as it just so happened, was the day following the current one - which was the Friday capping off a very long, hot, frustrating week for the members of the Armed Detective Agency.
The Kunikida-Dazai and Atsushi-Kyouka pairs had been forced to spend most of the week serving as bodyguards for some diplomat who had come to Yokohama to, of all things, present Fitzgerald with an award for using the Eyes of God to track down the members of some counterfeiting ring. (The Agency had a sneaking suspicion that Fitzgerald had insisted on Ability user bodyguards entirely so that he could show off his success, because he had been nothing but an utter preening peacock all week.)
Five days of standing in the hot sun in one park or on one set of government building stairs after another, listening to Fitzgerald and the diplomat endlessly compliment each other, had left all four Ability users more than a little bit irritated. Plus, the fact that Kunikida had been out all week meant, by necessity, that the entirety of the week's paperwork had fallen to the combined team of Yosano, Ranpo and Tanizaki. (Technically, Kenji was supposed to be helping as well, but his idea of "helping" consisted entirely of holding a conversation with his favorite plant.) The three Agency members had learned within half a day exactly how much Kunikida did for them by somehow making the huge piles of paperwork disappear with his trademark truly frightening efficiency.
So it was that everyone was tired, everyone was disgruntled, everyone was utterly sick of the sticky Yokohama summer heat, and everyone was in absolutely the right kind of mood to get excited about a rare book festival, especially if it was held inside, in an air-conditioned location, and refreshments would be provided (all of which the flyer oh so helpfully confirmed.
Even Kunikida, who usually scheduled his days down to the minute, accepted almost immediately. Even more surprising, the blonde poet pitched the idea to the President as a "company outing," citing the fact that it could help them gain more knowledge to help them fight future, unknown Ability users. After all, brand new sinister organizations with designs on Atsushi were about as common these days as the sweet wrappers strewing the floor underneath Ranpo's desk.
And, most surprising of all, Fukuzawa readily agreed, even declaring it an official work event which the Agency members would be paid to attend.
So it was that the entirety of the Armed Detective Agency found themselves strolling through the dim, blessedly cool aisles of shelves in some conference center or other type of office building somewhere in downtown Yokohama. Yosano and Fukuzawa sipped from matching frost-rimed glasses of pale amber beer. Ranpo and Kyouka devoured immense, cloudy puffs of cotton candy approximately the size of the latter's head. Tanizaki tried to hide from Naomi, Kenji looked through old copies of the Farmer's Almanac, and Dazai, well...
Dazai watched Kunikida.
The poet was in his element, even more so than he usually was at the office. His long, sure, capable fingers carded through spines, intense emerald eyes checking title after title with impossible speed. Every so often, he would find a tome that interested him for some reason or another, and would carefully add it to the stack which an unfortunate Atsushi had somehow gotten roped into carrying.
Whenever he found a new book that he wanted, Kunikida made a small, pleased noise, a little "hmm" in the back of his throat. And, although he'd never tell anyone, that was Dazai's favorite part of all of this.
Who, then, was truly responsible for what happened next?
Was it the hapless Atsushi, whose arms had become horribly overburdened as Kunikida selected book after book after book?
Was it the fidgety Ranpo, who had quickly finished his first cotton candy and was eager for a second helping?
Was it the smitten Dazai, who was utterly unaware of his surroundings due to how distracted he was by Kunikida's genuine smile?
Was it Kunikida himself, selecting a book with a rather eye-catching title despite never having heard of it before in his life, something which was quite unusual for such a dedicated bibliophile?
Or was it the entire Agency, sans the pair itself, who had not-so-sneakly been working on this particular plan for at least a month, following an offhand comment by Yosano, a clever suggestion from Ranpo, and an exuberant "that might just work" from Atsushi?
(If we are being even remotely realistic, it was probably the last one. They had, after all, planned everything pretty much perfectly, putting way more focus into this than they did to their actual work.)
But regardless of whose fault it was, the following events happened thus:
Kunikida's eye was caught by the rich red spine of a book bearing the title The Poet's True Ideal: A Tale of New Love. He picked up the book and began leafing through it, quirking one eyebrow as he realized that he had, in fact, never read this particular book before.
Dazai, intrigued by Kunikida's rapt expression, leaned closer to try to read over his partner's shoulder.
Tanizaki ran past, a determined Naomi hot on his heels.
Naomi "accidentally" brushed past Atsushi, already unsteady on his feet due to the tottering pile of books in his arms.
Atsushi "accidentally" tripped, colliding with Dazai.
Ranpo blatantly stole Kyouka's cotton candy.
Kyouka, making a grab for her pilfered treat, "accidentally" put her entire weight against Kunikida's shoulder.
Light flared from the book. The poet, the trickster, the tiger and the warrior-child pitched forward, headfirst. The glowing book swallowed them up, until all four had completely disappeared, leaving only the smirking Agency members who had been in on the plan surrounding them.
Yosano picked up the book, tucking it under her arm. "Come along then, that's that. Back to the office with you all, it'll be a while before the idiots blunder their way out. Yes, Ranpo, we'll get you another cotton candy on the way out."
(It may also have happened that Ranpo had pressed a sticky-sweet kiss to the cheek of Poe, who had been hiding behind the row of bookshelves and, of course, had been the one to provide that special book in the first place. It may also have been that Poe had blushed and hidden his flushed face behind Karl's bushy pelt. But, if such things were to have happened, the rest of the Agency members pretended that they had not seen it, because it was the pair's private business and really had nothing to do with the plan after all.)
Meanwhile.....
Kunikida, Dazai, Atsushi and Kyouka awoke in a house.
It was immediately evident that said house could not possibly be located in Yokohama. It was open, wide and airy, with only a single story's worth of rooms - the kind of construction for which there was no space in the tightly packed city. The walls were made of white-painted wood, and the floors were carpeted in that sort of off-white shade that furniture stores always tried to advertise as "eggshell" or "cream" simply so that they could avoid calling it "beige". Plus, if one were to look outside, one would see not congested roads and warehouses, but an idyllic expanse of sandy beach leading up to a perfectly blue ocean. Even the waves were small and gentle, so delicate that they seemed to be dancing rather than crashing against the shore.
"Where are we?" asked Kyouka. Or rather, she meant to ask. Rather than coming out as a question, with the proper inflection on the end, the girl delivered an utterly flat statement, sounding like she had been coached through it.
Both Dazai and Kunikida, being rather observant types, could not fail to miss it.
Kunikida folded his arms and glared at Atsushi. Dazai quickly followed suit. (Neither of them, it seemed, had the heart to glare at Kyouka, even though she was just as obviously involved as the poor hapless weretiger.)
"Wh-where c-could we possibly...." Atsushi stammered, rather obviously and desperately trying to keep up the charade, even though the two older Agency members had just as obviously figured out exactly what was going on.
"Black Cat...." began Kunikida.
"...in the Rue Morgue," finished Dazai, the pair as in sync as ever.
"N-no!" Atsushi squeaked.
"No," Kyouka demurred flatly.
"Shall we solve this mystery, Doppo darling?" Neither Atsushi nor Kyouka had ever heard Dazai sound so sinister before.
"Indeed, solving a mystery is generally the accepted method for escaping young Master Poe's Ability space, Dazai my sweet," the poet responded. "Presumably, Atsushi and Kyouka here - possibly with the assistance of other members of our illustrious organization"
"Oh, definitely with the assistance of others. What well-intentioned souls do we think might have poked their noses into our personal affairs, partner? The ever-conscientious Dr. Yosano? Kenji, prone to bouts of....how shall we say...over-eagerness? Acting without thinking? Maybe Miss Naomi and Miss Haruno, with their romantic hearts?"
Kyouka looked at the floor. Atsushi practically tried to sink into it. They'd been working on this plan for months. They had made sure to line up absolutely every element, assign every role, plan for every unforeseen circumstances. How - how could Kunikida and Dazai figure out what was going on so quickly?
(They'd even contacted Alcott of the Guild, promising to equip the entire Agency office with Eyes of God devices in exchange for her assistance. Not one of the seven hundred and forty two scenarios she had concocted had included the pair realizing the plan this soon.)
"Certainly Poe must have been involved, given that his Ability formed a core element of the stratagem," Dazai continued. "And the involvement of Poe leads one to hypothesize the conclusion of Ranpo....Kunikida, oh ever-organized prince of my heart, could it possibly be that the entire Agency has spent the past several weeks dedicating all of their work time and brainpower to the construction of a plan designed to, hmm...how would you word it?"
Kunikida smiled, actually smiled, and Atsushi and Kyouka would have found it adorable were they not so utterly terrified of the looks in both of their superiors' eyes. "Trick us into confessing our undying love for one another?"
"Encourage us to fall into one another's arms?" Dazai and Kunikida's unbroken patter proved more than anything just how perfectly suited they were to one another as partners in the Agency.
"Coax us into declaring our long-hidden romantic feelings?"
"So then, dearest Kunikida, could it be that they all were involved?"
The poet mock-gasped. "Even the President, oh Dazai?"
"Especially the President."
"Have we got the right of it, then, the two of you?"
For a long moment, none of the four spoke. Kyouka and Atsushi both felt that, rather than clustered in the comfortable foyer of a house that Poe had written into existence, they were hanging over the edge of some cliff. Kunikida and Dazai's matching smiles were equally dangerous. They had no recourse. No escape. They were just as trapped in the book as their superiors. They had no recourse but....
"Yes" admitted Atsushi.
"How did you find us out?" It was Kyouka, always deadpan, who asked the question, rather than joining her brother figure in apologizing.
Dazai laughed before giving an answer that neither of the younger two had been expecting. "Well, who do you think put the idea in all of your heads in the first place?"
Now the two Agency members were stunned into silence.
"W-W-Wh...." The young tiger couldn't even force the word past his lips.
Once again, Kyouka to the rescue. "What?"
The dark-haired Ability user preened, striking a pose that he must have picked up from watching one of Ranpo's "Ultra-Deduction" sessions. "I was the one who kept talking up his boyfriend's Ability to Ranpo, reminding him of how talented and useful Poe could be. I left a few rather steamy paperback romances with idyllic beach settings under Dr. Yosano's desk the morning after one of her trips to the liquor store - she was utterly convinced that she had bought them herself and just forgotten about them, and, with her rather light work schedule as of late, was able to finish all three of them in a single day.....Ah, yes, every last bit of it! Every last part of the plan! Who complained to the President about how overworked Kunikida seems lately? Who dropped hints that he just might have" (and here Dazai actually batted his eyes) "feelings for a coworker that he didn't dare share in front of Miss Haruno and Miss Naomi? Not to mention, of course, my frequent comparisons between my own "forbidden love" " (his fingers raised in air quotes) "and Miss Naomi's feelings for our dear Tanizaki. As for moving the Rare Book Festival's location from Roppongi all the way out to Yokohama....well, I guess there was a little bit of luck involved in that part, because Ango just happened to owe me a favor that I hadn't cashed in on yet."
Atsushi figured that he should have guessed. There was really no way that the Agency could have come up with such a complex plan without Dazai catching a whiff of it, was there? After all, hadn't each and every one of them learned everything they knew about scheming from, well, Dazai himself?"
He knew the answer would provoke yet another triumphant, overly dramatic summation, but he had to ask: "Why?"
To the tiger's surprise, Dazai laughed. "Because my dear boyfriend Kunikida here really has been working himself to the bone over the past several months, and he needs a break."
Well, that did make sense, Kunikida was one of the hardest working members of the Agency, always scheduling his days so carefully and taking on extra work himself rather than assign it to anyone el...Wait, BOYFRIEND? Did Dazai just say BOYFRIEND?
"You're already together." Once again, Kyouka got out the words before Atsushi had quite found his voice, and she didn't make it a question.
"Yup". A smug Dazai pulls Kunikida to him, wrapping long arms around his trim waist and pressing his face into the crook of Kunikida's neck. The fact that the blonde poet allows this is proof enough that his partner's words were true - and, if it hadn't been sufficient, then the deep red blush creeping up his cheeks would most certainly do the trick.
"For how long?" Atsushi, this time.
"Four months." Kunikida sounded more subdued than they had ever heard him. "D-Dazai and I were assigned that mission in Sapporo, where we had to investigate that new Ability user and got stuck there for nearly a week because of that big blizzard. We were sharing a hotel room...for a whole week, and, well...I had been trying to keep my more than friendly feelings for Dazai quiet, but in such a small space...with stress and tensions running high both...."
"He made it two and a half days before giving in and kissing me," reported Kunikida's dark-haired boyfriend. "I had predicted it nearly to the hour."
"Y-you had said that had I not, you were going to....to confess yourself..." Dazai's beloved blustered, his cheeks reddening ever further.
"I gave you three days. I simply couldn't be any more patient." Dazai ran his fingers through Kunikida's hair, and both younger Agency members were struck with the realization that that was the most romantic thing they had ever heard anyone say to another person. And it had come from Osamu Dazai, of all individuals.
"Now." Kunikida tried to regain his composure, but he was still blushing deeply as Dazai gently undid his hair from its trademark ponytail. "I have written what will happen next in my notebook." Pushing his glasses further up his nose, he cleared his throat and began to read: "Dazai will use his ability to remove you both from this book. Then, myself and Dazai, who has probably figured out exactly what set of circumstances are required to release us, will avoid engaging said circumstances and instead enjoy a lovely vacation in this excellent home which Poe has so thoughtfully provided for us. In the meantime, you will tell Ranpo, Dr. Yosano and the others that the two of us are utterly hopeless, are totally unaware of our feelings for each other, and will not admit it for a million years, so that nobody will be surprised or upset if we fail to return to the Agency for several days."
Atsushi looked at Kyouka. Kyouka looked at Atsushi. Both of them looked up at the people who were the closest to parents that either of them had in their lives.
Dazai had an absolutely dopey smile on his face. Kunikida was pressing a kiss to the other man's delicate, bandaged hand as though it were the most precious treasure in the entire universe.
Wordlessly, the two orphans come to an agreement.
"Enjoy your vacation," Atsushi said respectfully, bowing to the pair.
"You owe me another cotton candy when you get back," Kyouka showed her sticky palms, the last traces of sticky sugar barely remaining as she had dropped the treat just before being sucked into Black Cat in the Rue Morgue.
"I'll make a note of it," said Kunikida seriously, writing it down in his notebook.
"Now run along you two," Dazai said. He put one hand on Atsushi's shoulder and the other on Kyouka's.
"No Longer Human!"
In the moment before they are ejected from the beautiful world of the romance novel which Poe had written, the two young Agency members catch a glimpse of Dazai and Kunikida leaning in for a kiss. The poet's eyes flutter closed. Dazai's fingers tangle in blonde hair. Both pairs of cheeks flush a beautiful sunset red as the best pair of partners in the Agency share a gentle yet completely passionate kiss.
(Atsushi and Kyouka manage to keep what they had seen a secret for an entire week. Well, rather, Atsushi swears to keep it a secret because he fears the wrath of Kunikida and Dazai, somehow even more than he fears the curious glances of the Tanizaki siblings or Yosano's endless thirst for gossip. Kyouka needs to be bribed with no fewer than three sticks of cotton candy.)
(One week later, they are thankfully spared the necessity of keeping the secret any longer. Kunikida and Dazai emerge from the book hand in hand, matching tans on their skin and blushes on their faces. They've brought a beautiful sand dollar for Kyouka and a polished tiger's eye stone for Atsushi and various bits of colorful beach glass for the other members of the Agency. There's pictures of them strolling on the beach, sitting on the pier, holding hands, kissing, having the time of their lives in Poe's constructed world. Atsushi ultimately concludes that, while they had initially felt that their plan had totally failed, to the two people who really mattered, it was nothing more than an absolute success.)
(Even the extra paperwork he was stuck with for the entire week they were gone was totally worth it.)