Archive of Our Own ^beta

She meets her soulmate when she is 5 years old, the day before the first day of school. 

He shows up while she is coloring.

Hello?  

Devi shrieks, and her father comes running into the room. 

“Kanna, kanna, what’s wrong?” 

He runs a hand down her back, rubbing soothing circles into her skin. 

I’m sorry! Did I scare you?  

Devi clutches her head. “There’s someone in here! Appa, get him out!” 

Mohan just laughs, runs his hand through Devi’s hair. “Kanna, that’s your soulmate!” 

She wrinkles her nose. “My what?” 

“Your soulmate! You can communicate with each other through your thoughts! Isn’t that beautiful?” 

Devi crosses her arms. “I don’t want anyone seeing inside my head!” 

“You have to try to communicate with him, Devi,” Mohan says gently. “Here. Try it.” He holds her hand and nods, and her father never lies to her, so Devi nods as well. 

Hi.

I’m sorry I scared you! I didn’t mean to!  

Devi giggles. He does sound like he’s sorry. 

It’s ok. I know.  

Devi spends the rest of the day talking to her soulmate. She doesn’t know his name, can’t know his name, identifying factors like that never go through (at least, not until they say i love you), but she knows he’s 5, same as her, he lives in America, and that his favorite color is red. 

He seems like a nice boy, her soulmate. She thinks she could like him. Not love, though. Love is gross. 

The next day, she meets Ben Gross, and Devi knows her soulmate is a nice boy now. After all, he’s nothing like Ben. 

Thank god for that. 

Ben Gross is the most annoying boy on the planet. 

Devi resists the urge to grab his stupid model of the water cycle and toss it into the trash. He’s smiling at her, and he’s got that—that weird smile that always makes her want to kick him!

“I hate your guts!” 

“Well, David,” he says, referring to the one time that sub mispronounced her name in stupid kindergarten! They’re in second grade now, he can’t be more mature? 

Of course not. He’s a boy.  

“Just because I picked the water cycle as well doesn’t mean that my diagram is better than yours. Oh wait, it is.” 

He grins at her, and Devi crosses her arms and stomps her foot. “It is not!” 

“Is too!” 

“Is not!” 

“Is too!” 

“Ben, Devi!” their teacher barks. 

They shut up instantly, Devi’s shoulders stiffening as she turns to face her teacher. “Please, stop fighting. This is unnecessary. Your models are both fantastic.” 

Devi shoots Ben a mean face, sticking her tongue out at him when their teacher turns back around. 

“Stop getting us into trouble, David.” 

“That’s you!” she almost shrieks. 

Ben doesn’t say anything, just kicks his foot and glares at her. 

She feels so bad for the poor girl who’s his soulmate. 

Devi stomps up to her room, crossing her arms and sitting on her bed. She kicks her floor with her foot. 

Stupid mothers. 

Um, is everything ok?  

Devi feels the tension in her body instantly melt away at the voice in her head. 

Her soulmate has become somewhat of a recurring voice in her head, a comfort. He’s always there, whether or not she expects it, and he’s a constant. 

They talk nearly every day, when she gets home from school. She knows he’s got two parents and he’s an only child, that he hates tomatoes and likes cartoons, that he’s really, really smart (he helped her once on her math homework and promised never to tell anyone) and that he’s really nice. 

She wants to know other things, though. Like what color eyes he has, (she thinks either brown or green, but she hopes for blue) the way he laughs and what kind of clothes she wears. She’s not as grossed out by love anymore (she’s 11, for god’s sakes, she’s not a baby) and she thinks she could love him. 

After all, her father always says that the key to any good love is a good friendship, and she thinks her soulmate is one of her best friends. After Eleanor and Fabiola, of course. 

Devi flops back on her bed and splays her arms out next to her. Not a big deal. Just my mom.  

I’m sorry. That must suck.  

Devi runs a hand through her hair. It’s just like, I don’t know how to make her happy. She’s got these super high expectations for me, and I’m not sure how to fill them.  

She shouldn’t. You’re practically perfect.  

Devi feels her cheeks heat up. How do you know that? We haven’t even met.  

I just do, he responds simply, as if that’s that. 

Devi has the sudden urge to hold her hand out, palm up, as if someone is out there to take it. Clearly, you haven’t seen my temper, if you think I’m practically perfect.  

Hmm, he says, I think your temper is just another part of what makes you you.  

Devi blushes fully now. Uh, thanks.  

He seems to think he’s said something wrong, because suddenly, his tone changes, going from soft and fond to a bit cooler. 

But, whatever, you know. Your mom is just that. Your mom. All parents want their kids to do better.  

My dad isn’t like that, she complains. He’s a lot nicer to me.  

Yeah, but your mom has those expectations for you cause she cares, y’know? That’s nice to know.  

Devi huffs, crossing her arms. It’s hard to feel like that when she’s yelling at me.  

Look at it like this, he tries. Would you rather have two parents who cared about you so much they pushed you to do your best, or two parents who couldn’t bother to spend your 10th birthday with you?  

The light tone of bitterness in his voice betrays the personal stake, that it’s not just an example he pulled out of nowhere. Devi feels her heart break in her chest a little. 

Sorry. She doesn’t know what else to say. 

It’s fine, he sighs. Look, I gotta go, ok? But maybe talking to your mom will help. You know, ignoring the problem doesn’t make it go away.  

I wish it did.  

Don’t we all.  

And then he’s gone, leaving her behind. 

Is it possible to miss someone you’ve never met? Devi didn’t think so but—she misses him. Misses him and wants to hold his hand, even though she’s never even seen the color of his eyes. 

Of course, he’s right. That’s the thing about her soulmate. He’s always right. 

But never in like, an annoying or condescending way, like Ben. He’s just—he knows her, knows her so well he knows what she’ll listen to and what she’ll ignore. 

She knows he was tailor made for her, that she was made for him and the universe decided to throw them together so that they would be even happier but—she doesn’t see how that’s possible when it took him time to learn these things about her. 

Devi sighs and doesn’t question it, climbing under her covers and turning out her lights. 

“You’re really going to go with that for your science fair project?” 

Devi turns around and looks at Ben, who’s got his arms crossed over his chest, smirking at her. 

“What’s your problem, Gross?” she snaps. 

“Nothing,” he shrugs, stuffing his hands into his pockets. Devi turns away from him, ignoring the weight of his blue eyes on hers. 

Ben’s a scrawny, straggly thing, a midget, but his eyes are really unfairly pretty and she doesn’t like looking at them. They make her stomach do weird things. “Just thought you would have come up with something different.” 

Devi bites her lip, looking at her potato powered experiment. Try as she might to ignore him, doubt swirles in her stomach. She had talked about this with her soulmate, saying it was a project for school—not the science fair—and asked him what she should do. 

He’d offered the example of a volcano, and she’d shot it down, simply thanking him for his help, and deciding on the potato clock, but—what if he was right? 

No. She’s got this. 

Devi straights her back and whirls around to face Ben. “I like my project. Me and my soulmate came up with it.” 

Ben snickers. “You and your soulmate? He’s pretty dumb, isn’t he?” 

Devi feels her temper flare up. Ben can insult her all he wants, she can take it. But he can’t insult her soulmate. “My soulmate is not dumb! I bet he’s smarter than yours!” 

“I doubt it, David. Your soulmate is like, as smart as you, which is not as all. My soulmate is a billion times smarter than you. She’s like, the smartest person I know.” 

“So, smarter than you?” Devi smirks, sure she’s caught him. He’s the most egotistical guy she knows—she learnt that word from her mother—and there’s no way he’s going to admit anyone is smarter than him. 

Except—he just shoves his hands into his pockets and looks down at the ground, kicking it with the tip of his sneaker. A small, soft smile crosses his face, the kind that Devi’s never seen before, and it makes her heart pound, makes her mouth go a bit dry. 

“Yeah,” he says. “She is.” 

For a second, Devi feels a visceral bolt of jealousy shoot through her. Not—not because of Ben’s soulmate, she couldn’t care less who that girl is, although she does feel bad for her—but because of the look on his face. 

She wants someone to look at her like that, look at her like she’s everything they’ve ever wanted, the mere thought of her softening their face. She wants her soulmate to look like that when he’s thinking about her, and it kills her that she can’t see it. 

Devi ignores that, stuffs those feelings down and lifts her chin, smirking. “Well, it’s not that much harder to be smarter than you, Gross, so I guess I should have expected it.” 

Ben scowls at her. “Don’t insult her.” 

She glares back. “Don’t insult mine.” 

“Fine.” 

“Fine.” 

And, like it always is with Ben, that’s that. 

The day of her father’s funeral, Devi sits cross-legged on her bed and doesn’t let herself look at pictures of him. 

She wants to feel sad, wants to cry and break down and sob, but she can’t feel anything. It’s like she’s completely numb, rendered impassive to human emotion. 

She’s never felt like this before, like, like her whole world was falling out from underneath her, like there was nothing for her, no ground to stand on. It’s shaky, and she doesn’t know where to balance herself. 

Hey. Are you...okay?  

Devi shoves him away. She can’t—won’t talk to him right now. Not today. 

Why does she get to have a soulmate? Why does she get to have happiness? Her father is—was—the best person in the world. She doesn’t deserve any of this while he’s gone. She doesn’t. 

I’m worried about you.  

Devi’s control snaps. 

Why can’t you fuck off, for once? I don’t want to talk today. Did you ever think about that?  

The instant she says it, paralyzing guilt overwhelms her, and there’s dead silence in her brain. For the first time since she met him, since he reached out to her, there’s nothing. Not even a whisper of a laugh. Nothing. 

I’m here. Whenever you want to talk.  

And then, he’s gone. 

Devi ignores it, ignores how much her heart hurts, and buries her face in her pillow, losing herself in memories of her father until she somehow cries herself to sleep.

She doesn’t notice it at first, too caught up in her grief, her problems, but—Ben Gross is avoiding her. 

This is her fucking dream come true—except the horrible part is that it comes after pretty much the worst time in her life. Her grades are hanging on by a thread, only pushed forward by the fact that she still has Ben to beat. 

Ben Gross, for the first time in her life, has finally left her alone, and she fucking hates it. 

Especially because things between her and her mom are fraught, especially because she feels awkward around Fabiola and Eleanor—she knows they mean well, and it’s not their fault she feels suffocated by them, she just needs to take some space—especially because she can’t even fucking walk right now and her dad is lying six feet underground instead of hugging her. 

God, Devi needs some fucking normalcy and to catch a break. 

Which is why, she corners him. 

Or, as much cornering as one can do when they’re in a wheelchair, really. 

“Ben,” she snaps, rolling up to him one day during lunch. The halls are empty, save for a few students, everyone else out in the courtyard. He’s inside, helping a teacher out with something because he’s a goddamn fucking nerd, and she’s not letting anyone else see this. 

Ben glances down at her, and, where a few months ago his face would have turned into a smirk, teasing, now it’s carefully impassive. 

“Devi,” he says slowly, shutting his locker door. “What’s up?” 

(holy hell, why does she miss him calling her david? did she lose the use of her brain as well?) 

Devi bites her lip. “Why are you being a pussy?” 

Ben blinks. “What?” 

“You’re being a coward,” she says, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms. “You haven’t corrected me once in class. Not for like, three weeks.” 

Ben sighs, runs his hand down his face. “Devi, do you want that, right now?” 

“Yes!” She glares at him, insulted he would even question her. “What happened to this—respect? Look, Ben, I might hate your guts, but let’s face it, you’re the only other person at this school—besides Fabiola—who can even sort of keep up with me.” 

“David,” he says, and even that makes her feel a little better, like everything is back to normal, “I don’t think you’re thinking this through.” 

She throws her hands up in the air, frustrated beyond belief. “Look, Gross. As much as I hate to admit it, we’ve been going back and forth for like, ever, ok, and this is—it’s normal, for me. I don’t have any fucking normalcy in my life—you know, with my dad and—this,” she says, gesturing to her legs, “and then I was a bitch to my soulmate and drove him off, so I would really appreciate it if you could stop deciding what the hell I want and start listening to me.” 

Ben stares at her for a moment, before nodding slowly. “You good?” he says, looking at her like she’s gone slightly insane. 

It’s a look he’s given her before, though, so she’s ok with it. She slumps back in her chair. “Yeah,” she breathes. “Yeah, I’m done.” 

“Ok, David, fine. I mean, we all know I don’t have to try to beat you, but if that’s what you want, being left in the dust, I can spare some time.” He smirks at her, that same expression that makes her want to choke him back on his face, and the irritation that arises is strangely welcome. 

“Good.” She nods stiffly, and then spins around, getting ready to wheel away. 

“Oh, and David?” he calls. 

She turns back to look over at her shoulder, and he shrugs. “About your soulmate. Maybe you should try to reach out first.” 

Devi gapes at him. “What?” 

“I don’t know, I’m just guessing but—he’s always the one to say hi first, right?” 

Devi narrows her eyes. “How do you know this?” 

Ben rolls his own. “Look, David, I know things. I’m a guy.” 

“Couldn’t tell.” 

“Well, anyways. Maybe you should reach out first. Apologize. You never know, he might take you if you come crawling back.” 

Devi flips him off. “Fuck off, Gross.” 

She turns around and wheels away, but try as she might, she can’t ignore the niggling little feeling that he might be a little right. 

It takes her three months to work up the courage to talk to him.

I’m sorry.  

She waits. And waits. And waits. 

It’s ok.  

Devi nearly sobs in relief when she realizes she hasn’t driven him away. She’s not sure what she would do if she had. 

(who knew ben would be right?) 

I just...I was having a bad time.

I get it, he murmurs. She can never actually hear his voice, it shifts with every word he says, and yet it is one of the most comforting things in the world, has become her beacon of light. You don’t need to apologize.  

I lost someone.  

Oh, god. I’m so, so sorry.  

Devi swallows roughly. I don’t want to talk about it. Can we talk about something else?  

Yes, of course, he rushes to say. What do you want to talk about?  

Devi frowns. I just need to vent about something.  

Go ahead.  

So, she starts. There’s this boy at my school.  

Should I be jealous? he smirks. 

Devi wrinkles her nose. God, her soulmate, be jealous of Ben Gross? Absolutely not. She already knows her soulmate is one of the best guys on the planet. He’s kind and funny and sweet, and he makes her heart race. 

She thinks she could fall in love with him. 

No, not at all. He’s the most annoying boy ever.  

Oh no, what happened? he laughs. 

He’s just—a dick, you know? Like, he’s always making fun of me and calling me stupid nicknames and correcting me. I don’t get what’s his problem.

Maybe he likes you.

The thought is so preposterous, Devi snorts. Ben, liking her? No, no, that’s ridiculous. Please. As if.

I don’t know, he muses. I think all the guys at your school have to be in love with you.  

What makes you say that? She flushes as soon as she’s asked the question, sitting back on her bed. 

Well, they’d have to be blind not to fall in love with the most beautiful girl in the world.

Devi gasps, her heart pounding. She bites her lip. She’s—she’s never had anyone say anything like that to her before. 

You think I’m the most beautiful girl in the world?  

Embarrassment bleeds through his voice as he says, Well, yeah. I know you are.  

Devi pulls her knees to her chest and tries not to pass out right then and there. Thank you. I don’t know how you’re the same gender as this horrible boy.  

He laughs then, bright. Well, guys are kinda trash.  

Not you.  

Oh no, I’m plenty horrible.  

I don’t think so, she murmurs, wishing he were here, so she might run her fingers across his palm. You’re sweet.  

I’m—just me, you know. Nothing special.

Devi frowns, sitting straight up in bed. Don’t say that! I think you’re lovely.  

He laughs bitterly. My own parents don’t think I’m worth sticking around for.  

Fuck them. The statement takes her a bit aback, but she means it. She thinks she might be falling in love with him, falling in love with her soulmate, and she — well, she’s not going to let him think this about himself. Fuck them. You’re amazing and special, and you deserve everything. I promise.  

There’s a beat of silence before he replies, and for a moment, she’s scared she’s run him off. 

You mean it? His voice is small, quiet, almost childlike, and her heart breaks in her chest. 

Of course I do.  

God, I wish I was with you.  

Devi lies down on her bed, closes her eyes. If she thinks hard enough, she almost manages to see him, can see the slope of his nose and the sharpness of his grin. She thinks — but she could have also just dreamt him up. 

I wish I was with you too.

Where are you from?  

Devi sighs. You know if I try to answer outside of country, that won’t work.

I know. I just—I need to know that.

I’m from Sherman Oaks, California. Even as she says it, the small headache appears, a sure sign it won’t go through. 

He sighs. Yeah, I have no clue.  

Do you know the really scary thing, though?  

What?  

I’ve never met you, but I think that I could love you.  

He’s silent for a moment, and then she feels an ache, right where her heart is, amplified by his emotions, mixing with hers, intermingling until she can’t tell them apart. I think that I could love you too.

Devi’s lying in her bed—not really her bed, though, just the bed in the room with all The Doobie Brothers attire splashed around the walls. 

I wish you were here. 

He appears instantly, because of course he does. 

What’s wrong?

Devi sighs. Just family problems. I could use a friend. 

Well then , he says, and she can hear the smile in his voice, that’s what I’m here for. 

Devi knows this isn’t the case, knows this is improbable and not true, but suddenly, it seems like she feels the bed next to her dip down, like someone is lying down with her, and she feels her hand tingle. 

She imagines he’s here, holding her hand. 

Devi lies there, breathing, before she turns to look at the space where he would be. 

In the space between her blinks, though, she doesn’t see her soulmate. She sees Ben, smiling gently at her, hand in hers. 

Oh, fuck, what?

Devi jerks up straight in bed. Why—why can’t she get Ben out of her mind? He’s not—he’s not anything to her. 

That’s wrong, really. He’s her friend. He’d taken her in when she didn’t have anyone else. He’s her constant. 

Are you ok?  

Devi feels guilty for what she’s about to do but—she needs to talk to someone, to feel the words spill out of her mouth, needs to touch someone, to look them in the eyes. She can’t—can’t just sit here and not feel anything. 

(she’s been doing this for ten years, and it’s hard to ignore the possibility that maybe there could be something realer than just this voice in her head, the most fleeting of feelings, the graze of a hand against her own)

I’m fine, she says, wincing. I gotta go, though. I’ll be back soon.  

(she doesn’t realise it now, but this will not be the first time she makes this choice)

She doesn’t even wait for his response before she pulls herself away, opening the door to shuffle down the hallway. 

She doesn’t even knock, opening the door and entering the room, and to her surprise, Ben’s still awake, lying on his bed staring at the ceiling. 

“Gross?” she says, softly. 

“Come in, David,” he says tiredly. His gaze doesn’t even shift from the ceiling. “What do you need?” 

She bites her lip. “I, uh—” 

At her hesitation, Ben’s head lifts just the slightest bit. “Are you ok?”

Devi sighs, moving around to his bed. Dangerous territory but—she trusts Ben. Even if she shouldn’t, she does. 

She lies down next to him, staring at the ceiling. Their hands are so close to touching, but. 

She breathes. “Do you ever feel like a complete and total failure?”

“All the time,” he answers. 

It’s not the one she’s expecting. “Really?” 

He turns his head to look at her. She can barely see his eyes, in the night, but they glow in the same way the pool outside does, ethereally blue. His lashes score across his pupils as he glances down, sighs, and glances back up at her. “When you have to be perfect all the time, you don’t know what you’ll do when you’re not.” 

Devi swallows roughly. How—how did he know what she meant without even having to say it?

“Sometimes I feel like I’ll never live up to the expectations my mother sets for me,” she admits. 

“At least she has expectations for you,” he laughs, bitter. “My parents can’t be bothered to notice when I do something good. At this point it’s just a habit to be perfect. Maybe I should fuck up. Maybe they’d look my way then.” 

Devi bites the inside of her cheek, contemplating her decision. It’s irrational, illogical, wrong, and weird. 

She does it anyways, reaching for his hand and lacing their fingers together. “Don’t be a fuck up, Ben.” He looks over at her, cheek pressed against the pillow, and she almost loses her breath. “It would be too easy to beat you then.” 

Ben laughs softly, and then his fingers curl around her own the slightest bit, intertwining their hands together. “I don’t know, Devi. I just—I guess that’s just the way things are.” 

“I don’t know how to make my mother happy,” she admits. 

“What?” 

It’s something she’s never said before, to anyone. It’s a part of her she doesn’t open up and let the world see, a part of her that hurts, one that she feels more keenly in the wake of her father’s death, in the absence of him around her. 

“I don’t know how to be the daughter she wants,” Devi sighs. “I don’t know how to live up to her expectations and—be enough.” 

“Devi.” 

She doesn’t want pity. She doesn’t. How can Ben even begin to understand that this isn’t something to be pitied, this isn’t something she needs to be comforted about? This is just—the way things are. 

“You are enough.” His hand curls around hers tighter. “You are.” 

“My father was the one person who made me feel like I didn’t have to change to be better.” 

It’s only when he turns his head that she realizes how close they are, that they’ve moved toward one another this whole time they’ve been talking. His face is just a bit away from hers, noses almost brushing. 

“I know you miss your father, Devi,” he murmurs, “but you still have your mother. You have your mother. You don’t want to drive her away, right?” 

“She’s already driven me away.” 

Ben closes his eyes, and when he opens them, she can see the pain swimming behind his eyes, sharp and poignant, a pain he doesn’t let anyone see. It takes her breath away, how this beautiful boy with beautiful eyes could be in so much pain. Sometimes, it seems like the world has no mercy when it comes to people. 

“Do you know my parents have yelled at me exactly 3 times in my life?” 

Devi startles. “What?” She can’t even count the number of times her mother has scolded her in a week for something or other. 

He nods. “Once, when I broke my mother’s favorite vase. Once, when I came downstairs and disrupted a dinner they were holding for my dad’s clients, and once, when I got lost on vacation. The time I got lost it took them thirty minutes to notice I was missing, and that was because my nanny told them right away. I don’t know how long it would have taken them otherwise.” 

Devi feels her throat close up. “Ben…” she starts, but trails off. What do you say to that?

“I can’t tell you what I would do to have my mom care about me so much she pushed me to do my best. They don’t care enough to yell at me about anything meaningful.” 

She shifts over, and now they are pressed up against each other, shoulder to thigh, hands resting on her hip. “It doesn’t feel like she cares when she’s criticizing me.”

Ben pulls his hand from hers, and her heart twists in her chest, but then he moves it around her shoulder and pulls her closer to him. 

He smells like sandalwood and a deeper, more muted scent she can’t exactly place. Like Ben. 

She wonders if they are moving too fast, hurtling from being enemies to him holding her while she tells him things she’s never told anyone before but—it’s Ben. He’s been there. He’s as much a constant as her soulmate. 

(she thinks, in another universe, they would have been friends. they would have been best friends, would have sat side by side at lunch tables and traded juice boxes (apple juice for him, from her, pink lemonade for her, from him) and stayed up late texting and would have skinned knees on the playground together. in another universe, things would have been different. they would have had a thousand nights like these, instead of just one. in another universe, the cosmos would have gotten it right) 

Devi feels the guilt writhe in her stomach when she thinks of her soulmate, but Ben’s voice pulls her away from her self-beration. 

“I promise you, Devi, she loves you. It’s impossible not to love you.” 

Devi’s heart pounds in her chest, and she bites her lip, wondering if she should ask the question she wants to. What about you? she wants to say. Do you feel that way about me?  

But she can’t. Too much, too soon. So, she deflects. 

“I’ve been telling you that for ten years, Ben,” she laughs. 

She feels his laugh more than hears it, the gentle shake of his chest against her cheek, the puff of air he lets out onto her forehead. “You have. I should start listening to you more, shouldn’t I?” 

Devi slides her arm around his waist and closes her eyes, pressing her nose into his chest. “You should.” 

He doesn’t say anything else, but he’s warm, and she feels safe here, feels comforted, feels the tendrils of sleep pull her down gently. 

Ben Gross is surprisingly sweet, when he wants to be. 

Ben kisses her like she’s the only source of oxygen in a vacuum. It’s overwhelming, wholly amazing, sensational, in more ways than one. 

Her heart beats out his name, over and over again. Ben, Ben, Ben.  

She can’t stop kissing him, she can’t. 

He can’t seem to stop either, and she needs him, needs to feel his lips pressed against hers and to slide her hands around his neck, to kiss him until she nearly passes out from lack of oxygen. 

Because it’s Ben. It’s him, every time, all the time. For the past ten years she has always been tangled up in him, always been drawn back to him. 

He brought her to Malibu and took her in and held her when she needed it and he was there he was there he was there.  

Devi slides her hand down to his chest, feels the beat of his heart under her palm. She imagines it is saying her name, beating in tandem with her own heart. 

Her lungs burn, burn with the need for oxygen, but that’s a secondary need, a secondary desire when compared to Ben’s lips on hers. Her lips will be swollen after this, and it just makes her feel giddy, the idea that it’s swollen from his kisses, his mouth hot against hers. 

He pulls away then, letting her breathe, and she mourns the loss of his mouth on hers. His hand is still in her hair, the other one gently resting on her arm, and her gaze keeps flickering back down to his mouth.

Holy fucking shit, she just made out with Ben. And she wants—needs to do it again. Needs it more than anything else in the world. For something that she’d never thought she’d do, in a million years, it feels so right.  

Just as she leans in for another kiss, she hears a knock on the car window. Devi jumps, glancing over to see Kamala, a soft smile on her lips. “Devi, are you ready to go?” 

She stammers, looking over at Ben, who’s already pulling his hands off of her. “Um, I—” 

He smirks softly. “Go ahead, David. We’ll catch up later.” 

Devi swallows, aching for him to kiss her again, feeling it like a sharp pain in her body, but nods. She reaches out and covers his hand with her, giving it one last squeeze before she slips out of his car. 

She doesn’t say anything on the way home, staring at the window. She brushes her hand over her lips, thinks about the way his lips had felt against hers. 

Part of her wants to think it’s weird that she feels this way about Ben after only a week of living together, after barely a few weeks of being something close to friends but—it’s not. In some ways, it seems like she and Ben were always supposed to end up here, ten years of history built up in their systems, like a volcano, about to explode. 

Malibu had been the eruption. 

Devi sighs as she goes upstairs after dinner and talking with her mother, and flops onto her bed, completely overwhelmed. When she closes her eyes, all she can think of is kissing him, over and over and over again, kissing him until she melts into him. God, she wants to do that, so badly. 

She wants Ben, just him, with a sort of intensity that scares her a bit. 

Devi slides off her bed and changes into her pajamas, sliding under the covers. For a brief, visceral moment, she wishes she were back in Ben’s house, just so she might fall asleep with him holding her again. Just so that she might have his hand in hers, once more. 

She’s just about to fall asleep when she realizes something that makes her blood run colder than the Arctic Sea. 

She hasn’t thought about her soulmate all day. 

Devi steps out of the music classroom, a stack of binders in her hands. 

She nearly drops them when she looks up and sees Ben, holding his textbooks, looking at her. 

Thinking about him is torture, like Tantalus, craving the fruit. She’s—she wants him, but she’s not supposed to. 

She’s got a goddamn soulmate. She’s not supposed to feel attraction this deep to anyone else. It doesn’t make any sense. 

It’s just biology. Chemicals. It’s not anything deeper. Ben’s her friend, no wonder she feels this way about him. Scientifically, women are attracted to men who can provide, who can take care of things, who are trustworthy. 

He’s her friend, so she knows he’s all of these things and so much more. That’s why she wants him. That’s the only reason. It’s a serotonin, oxytocin, dopamine rush. 

Plus, her soulmate is a fantastic guy. He’s always been there for her. 

(so has ben, her brain says) 

He’s always been there for her, and she knows she could grow to love him, the kind of bone-deep, harrowing, intense sort of love that gets written about in books and that movies are modeled after. She could.

But she still can’t stop looking at Ben. 

He swallows, his throat bobbing. “Hi.” 

Devi blinks. “Hi,” she says back. 

She takes him in, brown hair slightly ruffled, jacket on over a t-shirt, jeans, ridiculous sneakers, as always. Blue, blue eyes, that burn with the intensity of a thousand galaxies. 

She can’t ache for him. She’s not meant to. 

So why does she? 

“You, uh, you haven’t been by to get your stuff yet,” he says.

“Oh. Right,” she answers, nodding jerkily. “I know.”

“You’re not—you’re not avoiding me, are you?” he coughs. 

She is, but not in the way he thinks. She’s not avoiding him because she’s disgusted by him, or scared by him, or doesn’t want to be around him. She’s avoiding him because she’s scared that if she spends one more second with him, she’ll break, throw away the person who was perfect for her, for him. 

Devi’s so, so tempted by Ben. She’s always been an adrenaline junkie, always been impulsive and drawn to an emotional and physical high. 

No other high in the world quite compares to the one she gets when she’s with Ben. 

She tries to add some levity to the situation by smirking at him. “Don’t flatter yourself, Gross. It was a good kiss. I guess.”  

He frowns then. “What do you mean, I guess?” 

Devi sighs, rolling her eyes. “No wonder your labs always suck,” she mutters. “You can’t just draw conclusions based on one trial. You need to run multiple trials in order to draw anything resembling a solid conclusion. Obviously, you can’t just claim that it was a good kiss based off of one incident. There’s no basis of comparison.” 

His eyes gleam, and—there’s no smirk on his face, just something dark, wanting. His hands tighten around his textbooks, veins pulsing. “So you want to run more than one trial?” 

Devi suddenly realizes she’s gotten herself into a very bad situation. Ben’s got a soulmate. She’s got a soulmate. 

And yet she’s staring at him because the only thing she can think about is how badly she wants him to slide his hands into her hair and kiss her again. 

“I’m just saying,” she stammers, “more than one—one trial is a necessity.” 

Devi’s so focused on his face, she startles when she sees all his books have crashed to the floor and—oh, he's walking towards her. His hands slide into her hair, just like Malibu, just like that moment in his car, and his thumbs score over her cheeks. Leaning in, Ben murmurs, “we can conduct as many trials as you want, Devi,” before he kisses her. 

Her own books clatter to the floor as she drops them, raises her hands to card them through his hair and kiss him harder. One of his hands slides down her back to dig into her waist, pulling her flush against him. 

There’s a sharp edge to this kiss that wasn’t there before, a bite of desperation lurking underneath it, like he knows this could be their last, and he’s going to make the most of it. He consumes her, and she would say she would be feeling almost devoured if she weren’t kissing him back so hard she thinks her lips would bruise. 

She presses her body into his, feeling faint when he sweeps his tongue into her mouth and—she needs to run more trials. Many, many more. 

Every time she thinks he’s about to pull back she clutches him closer and doesn’t let him go, aware that as soon as they stop kissing, she’ll come back to her senses. She doesn’t want to come back to her senses, just wants to kiss him. 

But eventually, she has to, has to stop kissing him if only so she doesn’t faint onto the floor. She keeps her eyes closer as she draws back, scared to face the truth that she knows is in his eyes once she looks at him. 

She feels him step back, and he doesn’t question it, her inability to open her eyes. “Bye, Devi,” he whispers. 

She waits another few minutes before opening her eyes, not sure if she’s relieved or disappointed when she finds him gone. Devi leans against the lockers, shakily, trying to catch her breath. 

She’s a horrible, horrible person. Making out with another boy, talking to her soulmate, she’s a truly despicable person. Devi knows that. She knows what she’s doing is wrong, so, so wrong. She knows she shouldn’t be doing it. 

But there’s something about Ben that makes her forget all of that.

Hey...how are you?  

Devi stops in the middle of writing her essay for history, chewing her lip. Guilt pools in her stomach. This is—this is her soulmate. She wants to be around him, his voice a comforting presence in her mind. 

So why doesn’t she ache for him in the same way she aches for Ben?

She pushes those thoughts away, focusing on him, her soulmate, this boy who she is destined to be with. 

I’m ok. Sorry I haven’t reached out. Things have just been...crazy here, I guess.  

No, it’s fine, he says. A pause. Same with me.  

Oh. Why was it so awkward? It had never been awkward like this before. He’d been a solace, someone she could fall back into after a rough day, and relax in. 

(but there’s—there’s someone else who can do that for her now, and she hates that her soulmate isn’t her first choice anymore)

You seem a bit tense. What’s up?  

Nothing. Just got a test in history tomorrow, that’s it, she replies. She can’t tell him the real reason, can never tell him what she’s done. She’ll never forgive herself if she broke his heart. 

I’m sure you’ll ace it. You’re brilliant.  

How do you know that?  

Well, he laughs, I haven’t had to help you with anything since that math problem a while back, remember?  

I’m never going to need your help with anything ever again.  

I mean, I am pretty smart. You never know.

Devi snorts, twirling her pen around her hands as she spins in her desk chair. I bet I’m smarter.  

You’re just a shy little thing, aren’t you?  

Devi laughs. Oh, yeah. I’m a weakling.  

They talk for the rest of the night, chatting away with each other, and with every word he says, Devi’s reminded of why she started having feelings for him in the first place. He’s so sweet, a wonderful guy. He makes her laugh, so much. 

He’s perfect for her. He is.  

(who is she trying to convince?) 

Devi finally says goodbye and finishes up her essay quickly, climbing into bed and pulling the covers over her. She tries to think about him, her soulmate. Tries to think about his hand in hers.

But every time she tries to picture his face, all she can see is Ben’s. 

The party is boring, Devi realizes. 

High school parties usually are, and so Devi contemplates going home for the entirety of the first hour. 

First, though, she decides to go to the bathroom. On her way out, she passes a room, and someone calls her name. 

“Devi!” 

She stops, turns around and pokes her head in. “What’s up?” 

She recognizes the kid who called her—Elias...something, from her history class. “We’re playing seven minutes in heaven. Wanna join?” 

She shrugs. “Ok.” 

Devi enters the room and sits down, just then aware that Ben’s in the room with her. She ducks her head, staring at the ground instead of him. They still haven’t talked about the kiss(es) they shared, still haven’t broached the subject. 

“Ok,” Elias says, tapping at his phone. “I’ve put everyone’s names in here. It’ll spit out two at a time.”

They run through a few rounds of the game. Devi gets picked to go with a girl from her math class, and they just sit and bitch about the test they had the other day while they wait for the time to run out. Nothing too major happens, and she’s just happy she didn’t have to kiss anyone. 

“Devi and Ben.” 

She stares at Elias. “Huh?” 

“You sure that’s a good idea?” a girl snickers. “The closet might get blown up.” 

Devi glares at her. “Nah,” Elias says, waving his hand. “You guys are like, friends now, right?” 

Ben startles. “What makes you say that?” 

“Nothing, just that you haven’t tried to murder each other lately. Come on, guys, go. You don’t wanna lose, do you?” 

Her competitive spirit flares up, and she tosses a look at Ben. He meets her gaze, head on. “Fine,” Devi grits out, and stomps into the closet. Ben follows her in, and the door slams shut. 

It’s a dark closet, so dark that she can barely see him. For some reason, this comforts her. She’s not sure she would be able to handle actually looking at him. 

“Starting now!” Elias calls out. 

Devi spares a glance at him. “You’re not going to say anything?” 

Ben grits his teeth. “What do you want me to say?” 

“Forget it,” she manages to spit out. 

He turns to look at her. His eyes suck all the light right to them, still blue, even in the darkened closet. “I was going to say we should probably follow the rules.” 

Devi swallows. “What rules?” she whispers. 

He steps closer, and he’s so close now her head spins. “The rules of the game.” 

Devi cocks her head, stepping closer to him. Their noses brush, lips barely an inch away from each other. “Show me.” 

There is a split second of time and—

(she shouldn’t do this, she hates herself, is absolutely, utterly horrified with her actions; she’s just talked to her soulmate, she thinks she’s falling in love with him, she thinks he’s amazing; she’s made him feel things for her, she knows that, and she knows he’s going to be heartbroken when he finds out what she’s done, how she’s betrayed him, betrayed them, and she’s awful, horrible, despicable, wretched, contemptible, and they’re both vile people for doing this to their soulmates but they’re weak and she can’t resist him)

—then Ben kisses her. 

Devi throws her arms around his neck and pulls him closer to her. His hands slip around her waist and pull her to him, gently. She loses all sense of time, all sense of self whenever he kisses her. 

Ben gently tugs on her lower lip with his teeth, causing her to gasp, and she melts against him. He smells like sandalwood, the same as he did all those nights ago when she laid on his bed and held his hand. In some way it seems like they are not far removed from that moment, and in another way, it seems like they are a million miles away. 

She can’t quit, when it comes to him. She’d never understood how people could be so tempted by another person, but she’s never been drawn to anyone like Ben manages to draw her to him. 

He’s magnetic, her north pole. No matter how much she tries to pull away from him, she simply can’t. 

Ben presses her against the closet wall, hand coming up to cup her jaw, and he kisses the breath from her lungs, making her head spin—or maybe that’s just him.

He kisses her again and again, savoring each and every moment they get, before a knock on the door sounds. It can’t have been seven whole minutes already, can it? She’s not nearly gotten enough of him. 

Devi’s heart—no, not her heart, she doesn’t care about him in that way—drops in her chest, and she pulls back from him. “We unlocked the door guys,” Elias snickers. “You can come out. 

Devi stares at him, breathing heavily. “God,” she groans. “We’re horrible people.” 

Ben leans forward, pressing his forehead against hers. “I know.” What they’re doing is so wrong, so, so wrong, and yet, it feels like the most right thing in the world. 

(he knows, and she knows, and they’re trapped in a destructive, elliptical orbit, a comet hurtling towards the sun and losing its tail)

Devi’s eyes look right into his, and she sees her own pain reflected back at her. They have to stop this. They absolutely have to. 

She doesn’t know if she can, and she’s going to break her soulmate’s heart because of it. 

Do you think…...you can love two people at once?

Devi’s heart jumps into her throat. She leans back on her bed, pressing the heels of her hands to her eyes. Is he...is he asking her what she’s always wondering??

Before she even knows what she’s going to say she responds. 

Yeah.

Does that make me a bad person?

What! No, of course not! You’re one of the best people I’ve ever met, soulmate.

Devi can’t stand the thought of her soulmate thinking he’s a bad person. She loves him, loves this boy she’s never met before, and if he could make her fall in love with him without ever meeting him, he had to be someone special. She knows that. 

(she ignores the voice in her head that says ben is also someone special) 

You’re one of the best people I’ve ever met too.

Devi lies back on her bed then, looking at the ceiling. Thanks.

I think I might be falling for you. 

Devi closes her eyes, lets out a sob. I’d hope so. You are my soulmate. 

Yeah, yeah.

She looks over at her phone, a text from Ben glowing on it. No matter how she might feel about him, she can’t—can’t think about him any longer. This is her soulmate, the person who she’s meant to be with. And she does love him. She does. She can’t blame him for being conflicted. She is as well.

So she ignores Ben’s text and lies back down on her bed. 

I think I might be falling for you too.

Ben opens the door. 

“Hi.” 

Devi clears her throat. “Hi.” 

He steps back. “Uh, go ahead,” he says, sweeping his hand out behind him. 

Devi nods stiffly. “Thanks.” 

She’s grateful when he doesn’t follow her, lets her navigate down the hall and into the room where she stayed for a week by herself. 

Devi sits down on the bed and tries not to cry. God, why is she horrible? Why is she letting physical attraction take her away from the one person she was destined to love, the other half of her heart? 

Devi’s always hated people who cheat, and—this isn’t cheating, perse. She and her soulmate aren’t in a relationship, and are under no obligation to be together, but—she still feels like she’s cheating on him. 

She can’t explain it, can’t explain why Ben’s eyes are the last she sees when she falls asleep, why she thinks of his voice first thing in the morning. She can’t explain how he hypnotized her, how he bewitched her into wanting only him. 

A knock sounds at the door, and she looks up to see Ben. “Are you okay?” 

Devi swallows. “You can’t be here.” 

He sighs. “Why?” 

Her hands shake, and she turns away from him, grabbing the few things she packed from home and stuffing them in her suitcase. She can’t look at him. She can’t do this. Maybe she should convince her mom to move them to India after all. 

“Ben, please.” 

“Why, Devi?” 

She turns around and suddenly, he’s right there. She squeaks, dropping her suitcase on the floor in shock. His eyes are boring into hers, and there’s nothing to help her hide, the brightness of the sunlight hitting the both of them, washing away their secrets.

“You know why.” 

He reaches out, cups her cheek, eyes looking right into hers. He’s looking at her like—like she’s everything, the only thing in the world and it’s too much for her. 

She’d always dreamed about someone looking at her like this, but this is—it’s the wrong person entirely. 

And yet she doesn’t want anyone looking at her like this, doesn’t want anyone else but Ben.

“Tell me,” he breathes. 

“Because,” she says. “I can’t think straight when I’m around you.” 

He steps forward, close enough that she can see all the different shades of blue in his eyes, deeper at the edges, lighter around the pupil, a beautiful explosion of color. 

“We can’t do this,” she whispers, her lips brushing his. 

Ben looks heartbroken, as he stares right into her eyes. “I know.” 

Her breath catches in her throat, and she can’t even hear the small, whispered plea she lets out, but he must, because then he’s surging forward and kissing her. 

She’s going to hell, she knows it. 

And yet, she still wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him back. 

It eats away at her, this thing she is doing with Ben. 

It’s not quite right to call it an affair. It’s not quite right, because she’s not cheating. She’s not.  

(what else can you call it? she’s scoured her brain for synonyms: tryst, fling, liaison, rendezvous, but nothing is quite right. because nothing describes the way she feels alive when he kisses her, every other word cheapens the experience. the only word, at the end of the day, she thinks is appropriate, is collision) 

Every day, it gets harder and harder for her to distinguish her feelings for Ben from her feelings for her soulmate. She’s wrapped up in them, two boys who have made her head spin and her heart pound, who have confused her in every way possible. She doesn’t know what to do. 

So, she walks. 

It doesn’t really help clear her mind much, but she thinks the fresh air is good regardless. 

Devi walks, and walks, until she reaches her old elementary school, ducking around the park to the playground. She sits on the bench, staring at the swingsets, and tries to breathe, to clear her mind. 

She’s never been more conflicted about anything in her life. Never been so unsure about anyone before. Part of her resents Ben, for making her unsure about her fucking soulmate. Part of her resents the universe, for making her soulmate someone other than Ben. But mostly, she just resents herself, for allowing herself to treat people this way. 

“Hey.”

Devi looks over and sees Ben. 

“What are you doing here?” she asks tiredly. 

“I needed to get some fresh air. I always come here to think.” 

“You always come to Sherman Oaks Elementary to think?” 

He shrugs. “It helps.” Glancing down at the bench, he stuffs his hands into his pockets. “Can I sit?” 

“You’re going to either way.” 

He purses his lips, but doesn’t contest her point. Taking a seat on the bench, Devi breathes, tips her head back and lets the October air ruffle through her hair. 

“I’m sorry.”

She looks at him. “What was that?”

Ben sighs, kicking a stone away from the bench. “I’m sorry for kissing you. More than once. And after—after your dad. I’m sorry.” 

“Oh.” Devi swallows dryly, meeting his gaze. “I’m sorry for kissing you first.” 

He cracks a sad smile. “We’re kind of horrible people, aren’t we?” 

Devi nods, pressing her lips together, trying to hold back a sob. She squeezes her eyes shut, determined not to cry. “I don’t know how much longer I can do this,” she whispers. 

“Me neither.” 

A crack of thunder, and then, the rain starts. 

Neither of them flinches. Perhaps there is no reason for them to. What is rain, compared to this backwards hell they have been living? 

It soaks her instantly, freezing her down to the bone. Ben’s soaked as well, water dripping off of his ears, nose, his lips. The jacket he’s wearing plasters to his shoulders, and his shoes are the only part of him not completely drenched. 

“I’m going to hurt my soulmate because of us,” he says. He glances down at his hands, twisting around one another. “I’m going to break her heart.” 

Devi nods. “I know what that feels like.” 

She pushes wet hair out of her face and lets the rain pour onto her, lets him blur and then come back into focus. “He doesn’t deserve me.” 

“Mine doesn’t deserve me.” 

“Why does it hurt so much?” she whispers. 

(why can’t she stop? why does her heart ache for him, why does she need him? why isn’t this easy to end?)

Ben casts his eyes at her. “I don’t know.” 

Her mind itches for comfort, and so she turns to the one place she always can, him. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, just before she kisses him. 

The rain is lashing at her face and yet, he’s the only thing on her mind. She needs him, needs him, needs him. 

He kisses her back, gently, guiltily, and she wishes that the universe had been a little kinder to them, so that she might be able to kiss him without feeling so conflicted, but she cannot. His hand comes up and slides through her wet hair, just like Malibu. 

Her whole life, Ben has been there, Ben has been her friend. He’s always been there for her, always, been her constant, her safe place to land. She can touch him and kiss him and hold his hand, and that means something. It means he’s here, so much more realer than her soulmate, so much more hers.  

Oh, god, she’s in love with him. 

Devi jerks back from him, guilt, so much more intense than before, pooling in her stomach. He doesn’t seem shocked, just gives her a sad smile. “I’m sorry too.” 

“I—I need to go,” she gasps. “I have to go.”

She doesn’t wait for his response before she’s gone, walking through the pouring rain. 

What has she done, what has she done? She’s gone and fallen in love with someone who wasn’t her soulmate, someone who wasn’t perfect for her. 

And yet, even now, Devi cannot imagine how her soulmate would be any more perfect than Ben. 

Because Ben is who she has been aching for her whole life, someone to lie down next to her and hold her hand, someone to challenge her and laugh with her, someone to kiss and touch and love. Someone to be her friend, to drive her to the Malibu cliffs, to stay by her side. 

She’s never going to love her soulmate like she loves Ben, she realizes. It’s just not possible. 

She loves him, she loves him, she loves him. 

She just doesn’t know if she can tell him. 

Soon, though, she realizes she has to tell him. It’s not because she wants to destroy him and his soulmate’s relationship, she doesn’t. But he deserves to know. Ben deserves to know how she feels. 

Devi still hasn’t worked up the courage to talk to her soulmate about it, partially because she has no idea where to start, but also partially because he’s been missing for a few days as well. She thinks he’s going through a rough time, based on the flashes of intense anger and sadness she gets at times, so she won’t begrudge him this. And, she can’t imagine adding onto his hurt right now. 

So, she decides to tell Ben first. 

Without quite knowing really, how she got there, she’s standing on the steps to his house and knocking at his door. 

Patty opens it. “Hello, Devi,” she says, smiling. “Are you here for Ben?” 

She nods. 

“He’s out back, by the pool.” 

Devi swallows nervously and ducks into the house, making her way to the back patio. Ben’s sitting on a lounge chair, reading, his back to her. Just looking at him makes her heart twist in her throat. 

God, he looks beautiful. Blue t-shirt, jeans, the wind in his hair. She wants this, wants to sit next to him and bicker about books and laugh with him and be with him and just—everything you’re supposed to want with the person you love. She wants it all with him. 

Devi clears her throat, stepping down the stairs. “Ben?” 

Ben’s head snaps up, fumbling with his book a bit. “D—Devi?” 

“Hi.” 

He sets his book down. “What are you doing here?” 

Devi nervously twists her hands around each other—a habit she picked up from Ben, she realizes. “I need to talk to you about something.” 

Instantly, the expression on his face drops, turning somber. “I know,” he says. “We have to stop. Completely.” 

“What?” Devi shrieks. “No!” 

Ben’s brow furrows. “What then?” 

She steps a bit closer. “Look,” she breathes. “I know this is wrong. I know I shouldn’t be telling you this because it fucks everything up for the both of us, because it’s wrong, but I need to. I need to tell you, because I’m selfish and I want you to feel the same way, but also because you deserve to know.” 

“Devi,” he cuts in, “what the hell are you talking about?” 

“I need you to not talk for once in your fucking life!” she snaps. God, yelling at him is not what she wants to do here. “Please, Ben. I just need to say some things.” He nods.

Devi reaches out, gently brushes her fingers across his temple, trails them down his face to his jaw. “I don’t care if we’re not not soulmates,” she whispers. “I don’t care if there’s someone else out there who’s supposed to be more perfect for me. I don’t care if the universe wants me to be with someone else. I don’t care—because I want you.” 

He steps closer, blue eyes flashing. “Devi,” he breathes. 

Devi takes a risk and presses her forehead against him, eyes slipping shut. “I’m in love with you, Ben. I’m so fucking in love with you, it’s like a disease. I can’t—there’s no cure for me. There’s nothing I can do but love you, and I know, I know I’m fucking things up with your soulmate right now, but you had to know. I’m sorry, I'm so sorry, but I couldn’t not tell you. I love you, so much. You’re it for me.” 

He’s silent then. “Do you mean that?” 

He’s so close, even whispering feels like shouting. 

“I do.” 

“God, Devi,” he murmurs. “I’m so in love with you.” 

Devi pulls back in shock, opening her eyes. “What?” 

Ben brushes back a strand of hair from her face, impossibly soft. “I’m in love with you too. I love the way you laugh and the way you smile and even the way you yell at me. I don’t want anyone but you. I love you.” 

Devi swallows. “What about—what about your soulmate?” 

A shadow crosses his face. “She deserves better but—I can’t help it. I just want to be with you.” 

“I want to be with you too.” 

She drinks him in, really, really looks at him for the first time since Malibu, takes in every single inch of his face. She loves him. Devi doesn’t know how to not love him. 

I’m sorry, Devi thinks, looking into Ben’s eyes. She loves him, loves him with a certainty shot through the marrow of her bones, one that pulses through her veins, same as blood, a certainty that will never die out. I fell in love with someone else. I’m so, so sorry.  

But her soulmate still deserves the truth. No matter how much it hurts. Even if she’ll never know who he is, now, because she never said those words to him, he deserves to know. 

(she can’t hold it back any more, can’t stretch out the pain, can’t pretend she’s not hopelessly gone for someone else)

So did I, he says. I’m looking at her right now.  

Devi freezes, all of the pieces starting to fall together, (neglectful parents brilliant boy staring at the ceiling sweet kind smart always there for her there there there). She reaches a shaky hand out, tracing along Ben’s jaw, and thinks, Ben?  

Ben’s eyes fixate on hers. His mouth parts ever so slightly, breathing picking up the tiniest bit. Devi?  

“Oh my god,” she breathes, letting out a little laugh. “Oh my god. You’re my soulmate.” 

Ben’s hands reach out and cup her jaw, and it’s not—it’s not quite like he’s seeing her for the first time, but he’s like he sees a side to her he’d never seen before. She sees the same side to him now. “Devi,” he whispers, reverently. 

He tugs her closer and presses her forehead against his. “Devi.” His fingers shake on her jaw and she knows her hand is shaking on his waist but—

It’s Ben. Of course it is. It’s always been Ben, whether they are a thousand miles away or a thousand years apart, it’s always, always Ben. 

(from the first day she met him, her soulmate, the other half of her heart, ben’s been there. they’re the same boy, so intertwined and tangled up in each other. there are a million nights and days she has spent talking to him, without even knowing it was the same person)

Night and day, she goes back to him, every time. Even when she didn’t know it was him, even when she thought she had someone out there for her that was supposed to be perfect, even when, even when. She chooses him, still.  

“Ben,” she whispers. “I love you.” 

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” he repeats. It’s like he can’t say the words enough, like he can’t stop himself from saying them, and she—she gets why.  

Because the guilt that has weighed on her chest ever since she came home from Malibu is finally, finally gone, because she doesn’t have to choose between two boys. 

They’ve been the same boy the whole time. 

Devi reaches up and traces his face, fingers gently brushing over his features, mapping him out with her hands. She wants to burn every single inch of him into her memory, wants to know him inside and out, in the dark, at the ends of the universe. She goes over his features again and again, thumb brushing against the curve of his lips, pinky gently sliding down the slope of his nose. 

Ben. Her soulmate.  

I love you, she thinks.

I love you, he says back. 

(even if they were not soulmates, even if she did have to deal with what she did—devi knows she would choose him, a thousand times over, in every lifetime, she would choose him. there is no world in which her soul is not intertwined with his, no world in which she does not want him. it does not matter which world they are in, it’s always ben) 

Devi looks into his eyes, and does not feel guilt pool in her stomach. She does not feel like she is an awful person, she does not feel wretched, because she is looking at her soulmate, who chose her before he even knew who she was, who loved her before he knew who she was. They chose each other.  

There is nothing wrong about this anymore. She is no longer Atlas, struggling to carry the burden of her guilt, struggling to hold up the sky, no longer lurking in the garden of forbidden fruit. For the first time, Devi understands how Icarus must have felt, flying towards the sun, because she feels free.  

It’s Ben. He’s the boy who teamed up with her at Model UN, the boy who gave her a place to stay, who drove her to Malibu, who was there for her. It’s impossible to define what they are to each other, what he is to her, but she knows this: that she and Ben were meant to collide together. 

Devi can’t wait any longer.

“Ben,” she breathes, eyes flickering up to meet his. 

(the exact same color of the sky she no longer has to hold)

“Kiss me.” 

Ben’s gaze drops to her mouth, and then back up to her face. Slowly, ever so slowly, he slides his hand around her waist, pulling her in close to him, bodies pressed flush against one another. 

She feels every single atom of air leave her lungs, the slow, delicate way with which he handles her. It’s almost languid, leisurely, like there’s a whole eternity for him to unlock her layers and discover every inch of her. Her heart pounds away in her chest, thumping so loud, she thinks she might pass out. It feels like it is hitting her ribcage with every heartbeat, every pulse of the blood in her veins. 

He reaches his other hand up, trailing it along the curve of her face, drinking her in. He savors her, and Devi, Devi has never felt so worshipped in her entire life as she does when his gaze is on hers. He is reverent in the way he touches her, grazing the same inches of skin over and over again. Devi slides her arms around his waist, pulls herself impossibly closer. 

Then, finally, finally, Ben leans in, their noses skimming against one another. “Whatever you need, Devi,” he whispers, just before his lips brush against hers. 

The first pass of his mouth over hers is light, barely a kiss, more of a caress. The second is the same, fleeting, leaving her pining for more. 

And then the third time, his hand slides into her hair, and he’s pulling her close, and his mouth is covering hers. 

She sighs, melting into him, held up by only the fact that he’s pulled her against his body. The pressure of his lips against hers turns her head foggy, confused. Devi can scarcely remember her own name. 

She slides one hand up his back and tilts her mouth, deepening the kiss. It sets her aflame, but in the slow, constant way a candle burns: a hot, smoldering blaze, gently flickering in the wind. The tension falls from his body as he bends her back, body curving over her, hand pressing between her shoulder blades to keep her steady. 

Devi, for the first time since Malibu, knows she does not have to pull away, and she cannot imagine doing so. She can stand here and kiss him, and they are not betraying anyone by being here. There is no bittersweet bite to their kisses, like there was before. There is nothing but cotton candy sweetness, a sort of summertime peace, in the spaces where their lips meet, over and over again. 

Time ceases to exist with him, and Devi doesn’t know how much longer it is that they finally manage to pull themselves away from each other, but she is loath to let him go, keeping him here, with her. 

He moves no more than an inch from her mouth, so close, that when he speaks, she can feel his lips just skim hers. “So, you still think I’m really sweet?” 

Devi laughs, tilting her head back to look him squarely in the eyes. “You admitted I was smarter than you.” 

Ben nudges her face with his nose and presses a kiss to her cheek. “I take it back. I wasn’t properly informed of all the facts, and therefore, cannot be held to assumptions I made at the time.” 

She hums, pressing her lips together to stave off the ridiculously wide smile that is threatening to spread across her face. She tilts her head as he scatters kisses across her face, wrinkling her nose when he drops one there. “I don’t think so, Gross. You still said I was smarter than you.” 

“Excuse me,” he retorts, smirking, “which one of us helped the other with homework?” 

“In like, fourth grade!” 

“Still, I had the better handle on fractions.” 

Devi sighs, dropping her head forward and pressing her forehead against his shoulder. “You’re never going to stop bringing that up, are you?” 

He runs a hand through her hair, and she can feel his smile as he presses a kiss to the crown of her head. “Please, David. Like you’re going to let me forget any of the things I said.” 

She smiles into his skin. Of course he’s right. He knows her, inside and out. He’s Ben. 

Devi closes her eyes and lets herself sink into her bed. 

Hey.  

Hey back, she smirks. 

So, now that we’ve got this comic book superpower shit going on, do you still need my phone number?  

She pauses. Wait, that’s a good fucking question.  

Right?  

I want it. Who knows, maybe I’ll want to text you one of these days.  

Well, Ben says, I’ll be waiting.  

Devi bites back a grin. We’re idiots, you know that?  

You’re going to need to be more specific about what, David. I’m sure you’ve been plenty idiotic over your life. Oh wait, I know you have.  

God, I fucking hate you. I mean about our soulmates. Like, we never once considered it could be each other.  

Well, my soulmate was always so sweet and kind. She didn’t throw textbooks out of windows or smash beakers in class, and so I didn’t think it was you.  

She rolls over, wishing he were here so she could look into his eyes. Mine was a total sweetheart who told me I was the most beautiful girl in the world.  

He’s silent for a moment, and when he replies, there’s a distinctly embarrassed tinge to his voice. You remember that?

She smiles. I remember everything.  

I love you, you know that?  

She thinks back to the way he’d whispered it to her, traced it on the backs of her palms, kissed her while saying it against her mouth, the way he’d shown it to her, taking her to Malibu, being there for her. 

Yeah, I know. I love you too. 

She’d though the universe had fucked up, had messed up by not putting them together but—it hadn’t. She and Ben, they would have never accepted each other, if they hadn’t chosen each other first. 

They had to. They had to fall in love and then find out, she knows that. 

Devi closes her eyes, and imagines his hand in hers. 

She’s made a good choice.