Chapter Text
‘Don’t care what the fuck your name is. We had to get our own laundry!’
Guillermo’s expression soured instantly. Abruptly, he drew a long knife from his rucksack and strode towards the stage.
‘Nandor!’ hissed Nadja. ‘The fuck did you say that for?! He’s going to kill us all too, just look at that bloody huge knife!’ She’s not wrong, it is a bloody huge knife. Very shiny too.
Laszlo shifted nervously in his seat as Guillermo advanced on them impassively. ‘I’m sure it’s fine, my darling, Giz- I mean Guillermo would never do a thing like that.’ He looks back at Guillermo’s scowl and hastily added: ‘We’re all friends here, aren’t we Gizmo?’.
As the vampire hunter reached the stage, Nandor shut his eyes and whined. ‘I didn’t mean it Guillermo! I was just very sad thinking you weren’t going to come back!’ Silence. ‘I know I seem very relentless but actually I am very scared so could you please put down the knife!’ Guillermo’s footsteps sounded very close now. Nandor, eyes screwed shut, made one last petulant bid for Guillermo’s mercy. ‘I am sorry, Guillermo, ok? Can you let me go now?’ He froze, waiting for the inevitable.
He waited a second more and then got impatient. ‘Guillermo? If you are going to kill me, can you get it over with please?’
Suddenly, the ropes around him slackened and Nandor felt brave enough to open one eye. Guillermo stood in front of him, knife thankfully stowed away. He did not look very pleased though.
‘Guillermo!’ Nandor let out a sigh of relief. ‘Never do that again!’ His familiar’s expression was unreadable and Nandor felt panic welling up again, though for different reasons. He sounded sheepish. ‘We really missed you Guillermo.’ After a pause, he added through gritted teeth: ’I really missed you.’
He looked up hopefully, sure that this was what his familiar wanted to hear. ‘Guillermo?’
‘I KNOW!’ Guillermo looked a little taken aback at the strength of his own outburst, and hesitated.
Nandor started disdainfully. ‘What do you mean, you know? You know what?’
Guillermo’s frustration got the better of him.
‘I know you missed me! I know you care about me and it’s not just because I do your laundry, it’s because I’m always there for you. And I’m there because I care about you too but you just can’t be fucking nice to me for once! I just rescued you and all you can say is ‘where is my laundry Guillermo?!’ I know you’ll be back at it again tomorrow with the ‘clean my cape, Guillermo! Mop the floor Guillermo!’ but just for once, right now, could you say thank you?’. He finally let himself take a deep breath and mopped at his brow nervously.
Killing vampires was easy; telling Nandor off was not.
‘Well-‘ Nandor began uncertainly, before being suddenly interrupted.
‘I hate to break this fascinating conversation up’ - Colin did nothing of the kind - ‘but could you come and untie me? My feet are going numb and the doctor at my last check up said that I have unusually poor circulation. Of course, one of you could carry me home, but I have to warn you, that chub is still going pretty strong.’ Colin Robinson’s smirk was almost audible.
Guillermo shuddered.
‘Fine. I’m waiting, master.’
He turned his back on Nandor and silently helped the others out of their restraints.
‘Oh Gizmo, I could just kiss you!’ Lazlo bounded up, freed of his silver chains.
‘Um... please don’t’. Guillermo’s voice retreated back to an awkward murmur.
‘Yes, well, maybe not.’ Lazlo conceded, and instead swept his lady wife into a passionate kiss.
‘My darling!’ cried Nadja rapturously. ‘Let us make love amongst the corpses of our enemies!’
‘No!’ Guillermo’s voice came out a little shrill. He continued at a more normal, apologetic pitch. ‘It’s nearly sunrise, we have to go’.
‘Not even time for a little romp?’ Nadja’s face fell. ‘But I feel so alive! Lazlo my darling, we should nearly get killed more often!’
‘Perhaps Guillermo can entertain us with a little vampire-slayer role play some time’. Lazlo’s eyebrows wiggled suggestively.
‘Oh, no-‘ Guillermo started.
‘Oh, yes’ Nadja grinned. ‘He ties you up and tries to stake you through heart’ - she posed, arm aloft, fangs bared in her best ‘Guillermo slaying the Council’ attitude - ‘before I fly in and save you!’ She threw herself in front of Lazlo, fighting off the imaginary Guillermo assailing him. ‘And then we fuck.’ She licked her lips with satisfaction at Lazlo.
‘Sounds excellent my dear, although I rather thought I’d be the one doing the saving.’
Guillermo shot a tired look to the camera.
‘No-one is doing any saving. Well, I just did, but you seem to have forgotten that already. Can we please go?’
Nadja pouted. ‘Nandor, your familiar is getting altogether too familiar. One little massacre and he thinks he can tell us what to do!’
‘Nandor?’
She turned around huffily - ‘Nandor, will you please-‘ and stopped abruptly. Only Colin was sat behind them.
‘Oh yeah. He left. Two minutes ago’. Colin Robinson looked satisfied as ever to be the bearer of bad news. ‘Looked pretty upset too’, he said cheerfully.
‘Shut up, Colin.’ Guillermo’s voice sounded a little strangled. ‘I’m sure he’s just gone home.’
‘Well, you can think that, if it makes you feel better.’
Guilt sneaked onto Guillermo’s face, soon replaced with a studiously uninterested expression. He was in the right, and no amount of Nandor’s sulking could change that.
‘I guess I’ll just go home then’. Guillermo looked around hopefully as if that threat might bring Nandor out of the shadows, but nothing moved.
He bit his lip reluctantly. ‘Ok, bye guys.’
‘We’re uh, gonna head out too folks’. The injured cameraman was being helped up from the floor. ‘Think we’ve got enough for tonight.’