Chapter Text
Tim could see the pre-uploaded live viewer count increase by the hundreds. The family still had two minutes before they would be able to begin the live, and the viewer count was rapidly approaching one million. Tim checked his mask, making sure it was securely on.
“Everyone ready?” Dick called out. Tim waved his hand, acknowledging.
“What’s the count?” Jason asked, leaning against the Batmobile, his signature helmet at his feet. Tim noticed he was on the opposite side of the allotted filming space from Bruce, next to Duke in his Signal suit. Cass was perched on the roof of the vehicle, Steph climbing up to join her. Damian was walking down with water bottles clutched in his arms.
“We’re at,” Tim checked the count, “1,942,683…8…697 and forty-two seconds left.” Jason whistled softly behind him.
Tim double-checked the encryption levels on the stream, making sure everything outside of the approved scope was blurred and blacked out. The origin signal for the stream was being bounced off of nearly every satellite in Earth’s orbit, WayneTech or otherwise. Every identifier was blocked out.
With the stress of rogues repeatedly slipping out of their hands and an uncomfortably close victory in Coast City against Sinestro and the Yellow Lantern Corps, Tim and Duke realized that the family, the entire family, needed to let off steam. What better way, they thought, than having a harmless Q&A session with the public. Bruce and Jason, ironically, were the hardest to convince. Kate and Babs were both unavailable—or more likely, unwilling—to join them, something about a dinner with the Birds of Prey.
“Alright, ready?” Tim called out, seeing the “Ready to Begin Live” button appear. He tossed a phone to Cass. He Air-played the screen to the Batcomputer, letting the team see everything that came in. Cass needed to have something in her hand to distract herself, while Steph decided she wanted to read out questions. Once he received multiple “okays,” “yeahs,” and one “What do you think, fucker,” Tim began the live.
Viewers nearly doubled as they watched Gotham’s beloved heroes appear on their screens. Black Bat and Spoiler nearly doubled back as they watched comments roll in by the hundred. Tim scrambled back to the Batmobile, sitting down next to Nightwing and Robin in front of the bumper.
“Uh, hi!” He waved to the camera. “We decided to take a few questions. Something to pass the time, have some fun.”
“Send in some questions, comments, criticisms to the big bad Bat, and we’ll try to answer them,” Nightwing said, feeling extremely awkward talking to a camera.
“Although,” Spoiler piped up, “there’s a lot of comments coming in—and I mean a lot a lot—so we won’t get to them all.” She whispered the next bit to Black Bat, “And I really don’t wanna get to some of the more, uh…yeah.”
Black Bat held one question down, knowing this one would be fun. Spoiler nodded, reading it aloud. “Okay, from @eyeris: who’s the best and who’s the worst in the kitchen?”
“I’m the best,” Red Hood said, his modulated voice prompting numerous…less-than-appropriate comments.
“I don’t know,” Nightwing countered. “I make a mean bake—“
“Mean on my stomach, nothing nice about that, Wing,” Red Robin replied. Robin agreed with him.
“Hood doesn’t try to poison us—“
“I didn’t try to poison you! That was one time!”
“One: putting raw chicken into a bake and then not baking it for long enough is technically classified as poisoning,” Batman said, nipping the argument in the bud. “Two: Hood learned from the actual best; therefore, he is the best. Spoiler, Black Bat, move on.”
Black Bat held down the next question, prompting an obnoxious guffaw from Signal and an uncharacteristic snort from Robin.
“From @troyofdonna: are, uh…Red Hood and Nightwing banging?” Spoiler tried to hold her laughter back. They couldn’t see Hood’s face under the helmet, but if his hands reaching for his guns were any hint, he was not happy about it.
“Hey, user, I’m not afraid to kill yo—“
“No! No killing!” Nightwing yelled. “And no! No banging, that…that’s gross, fuck.” He waved his gauntlets frantically.
“Okay next!” Spoiler laughed. “I like this one, BB. From @ballenarry: are you guys rich? If yes, who’s the richest?” Immediately, everyone pointed to Batman, who simply shrugged, stoic.
“We’re comfortable.”
“Yeah,” Signal replied, “if comfortable meant funding a fucking cave full of fancy toys.”
“Wayne is…helpful,” Batman acknowledged, referencing the recent headline that announced Wayne Enterprises as a benefactor to Batman, Inc.
“If it helps, my credit score says ‘I’m so far in the red, MAC’s Russian Red doesn’t compare’,” Nightwing joked.
“Mine doesn’t because I’m smarter than you,” Red Robin countered.
“You’re younger than me by like, ten years.”
“Eight, and I actually have a black card.”
Black Bat quickly signed if she could read this one out. “From @underthesea: what do you like to do for fun?” She was slightly hesitant, coming off to the viewers as possibly shy, but she could feel the others' pride over her reading the comment. “I like…dancing. Ballet,” she nodded happily.
“BB’s a really good dancer!” Signal jumped. Everyone agreed.
“She’s tried to teach me a move and once I pulled both hamstrings,” Hood said.
“She’s tried teaching us all moves and excluding Wing, we’ve all snapped something,” Spoiler said. Black Bat looked chuffed.
“Baby Bird over here likes to draw,” Nightwing said. He pointed to Red Robin, “this one likes to explore new coffee shops and cafes.”
“Replacement’s got fine taste,” Hood said, prompting confused faces from several people. “What, a man’s gotta eat.”
“Please never say that again.” Spoiler pointed to the comments, asking Hood to eat…other things.
“From @annataz: big belly burger or bat burger?”
“Batburger,” Batman deadpanned. “Next question.”
“From @lookupinthesky: favorite movie?” Spoiler asked. Chaos ensued.
“From Russia with Love!” Spoiler cried almost immediately. Robin stood up, protesting.
“No, no! Ghostbusters!”
“Shut up, demon! We all know its Black Panther—“ Red Robin countered.
“Excuse me, you tasteless poltroons, it’s Pride and Prejudice. Any iteration except that zombie one,” Hood said, squaring up for a fight.
“Oh, please, Romeo + Juliet is better than—“
“Say another word, Signal, and I’ll wipe the floor with your ass.”
“Enough!” Batman yelled, silencing everyone in the room. “It’s Titanic,” he said, immediately starting another argument.
“How about this,” Spoiler said, an ice pack held against her jaw. “From @fancyyyyouuu: skincare tips?”
“BB and I love using Aritaum and Laniege masks. Missha and Moonshot for the best lasting foundation,” Spoiler said happily, Black Bat nodding in agreement.
“I have bad acne every now and then. Body Shop Tea Tree,” Red Robin added. He pulled out bits of feather from Nightwing’s hair.
“This ain’t skin, but baby shampoo is great for helmet head,” Hood said, his cracked helmet in his hands and a red domino covering his identity.
“Aztec Clay Mask,” Signal said, messing with a dent in his armor.
“Mother used rose water and fuller’s earth,” Robin said, playing with a broken bit of Red Robin’s Vegas wing.
Black Bat held down another question. “From @shawtyimmapartytillthesundown: useless talents!”
“Nightwing can juggle eggs while riding a tricycle,” Batman said, sounding almost proud.
Signal made a noise. “Exactly why can you do that?”
“I can break a watermelon with my thighs,” Hood said, openly smiling.
“Yikes, folks, the comments…” Spoiler mumbled. “Also, that’s not useless!”
“Can I learn?” Black Bat asked quietly.
Hood nodded, “I’ll give Artemis your number.”
“RR knows how to get coffee out of keyboards,” Signal added.
“That isn’t a talent, the fact that I know how to is pathetic,” Red Robin shook his head, dejected.
“You know who has the best useless talent,” Nightwing prompted. “Bats can fight in heels.” Batman made a noise, probably threatening Nightwing, who ignored him.
“I need this story,” Spoiler demanded.
Hood laughed, “I remember that! Wonder Woman dared him and Superman to wear her heels for a day. B’s head was so far up his ass, he actually ordered four-inch heels in his and Supe’s size and wore it all day.”
“Where’s the return policy on children,” Batman mumbled.
“Lapsed and expired years ago, sucker,” Nightwing mocked.
“How about one more?” Spoiler asked around. “From @speedyboi: what’s the worst smelling place you’ve been to?”
“Nightwing’s apartment,” Hood deadpanned, eliciting a horrified “Hey!” from him.
“The sewers in San Francisco. Fish, sewage, all kinds of straight-up nasty. Add KF and Flash-quantity burritos and it’s a fucking nightmare,” Red Robin groaned.
“I dunno, man,” Signal started, knowing this would start a fight, but having the strongest urge to poke Robin’s buttons. “Batcow’s pen isn’t that great either.”
“How dare you—!” Nightwing physically sat on Robin to stop him from assaulting Signal.
“When I was a kid,” Batman started, “my parents and I went on a trip to Sweden. It was a fish market and I fell into a refill bucket of Surströmming. It’s one of the more…stronger smelling fermented seafood.”
“I can attest to this,” Agent A said behind the scenes. Comments rolled through on the mystery of the voice. “Batman’s clothing from that day smelled so foul, it had to be burned and the boy had to be bathed repeatedly.”
“It tastes quite good when prepared,” Batman shrugged.
“Thanks for sending in questions, we had fun!” Spoiler said, clapping her hands.
“Maybe we’ll do this again, maybe we won’t, who knows?” Nightwing said, still sitting on a seething Robin, this time with Hood’s help.
“I think we should, some of these comments are—“ Signal was interrupted by Agent A.
“Heroes, there has been a break-in at Wayne R&D, the branch near Knights Stadium. It’s the Sirens.”
Viewers were able to see Spoiler and Black Bat swing off the Batmobile, Nightwing, Signal, and Red Hood run towards their bikes. The last thing viewers saw was the cracked Vegas Wings and Red Robin’s jaw as he rushed to end the feed. The last thing they heard was the roar of the Batmobile coming to life and speeding out of the cave.
The following morning, Tim saw the headlines in his office at Wayne Tower: “Gotham’s heroes reveal ‘inner secrets’ to 6.5M people live,” “Red Hood’s Voice and Thighs are Everything We Need,” “Korean Brands Want Gotham’s Leading Ladies,” and “Batman: A Smelly, Stinky Little Bastard Boy.” His favorite, arguably, was the following on Buzzfeed: “Hey Siri, How Do I Bag Red Robin and His Wallet?”