Chapter Text
Dear Bucky,
This feels weird to write and I don’t really know where to start. I wish I could give any one person credit for this idea, but it’s sort of a group effort, and it’s certainly not mine. You know me, I’ve never been good at journaling. Well. I take it back. You don’t know me. Not right now. And that’s the problem.
Everyone has their opinions on this, and everyone thinks I’m doing this wrong – but everyone has different reasons why it’s wrong. Tony thinks I’m setting myself up to get my throat slit in the night. That you’re a weapon. But… so am I. Nat thinks I’m setting myself up for heartbreak. That the person I knew – the person I dropped – is gone and not coming back. And… I know that. I’ve come to terms with that and thrust aside the idea that you, my Bucky, may never come back. But there’s someone behind your eyes. Someone that deserves a chance to live. If that someone comes out and decides that he never wants to see my face again, then I’ll respect that. But I want to get you to a point where you can decide . Where you aren’t just an animal awaiting orders. Whatever choices you make, I will help you realize them. As long as they are choices that you are making. Not anyone else.
Fury thinks I’m nuts. He was my biggest hurdle. He thought you should be locked up and let the ‘specialists’ work on you. But none of them know you. Not like I do. We had what you used to call a ‘lively debate’ which ended when I put my fist through a wall. Six inches of tempered steel. It took two tries. But… we came to an understanding.
Hill requested I document your progress. That’s… not what this is. This is more of Clint’s idea. He said that one day you’ll start to break through. And when that happens, you’re going to have a lot of gaps to fill. Hopefully I can give you a head start once you start to come back.
Today we moved you from containment to the Compound. I’ve locked up my DC apartment in exchange for a suite here – something I’ve honestly wanted to do for a while but I guess you gave me the excuse. It’s safer here. I can put the room on lockdown if anything happens and if something awful does go wrong, well... Your neighbors are assassins and soldiers. Not old grannies and nurses.
I know you’re scared. Don’t worry, you’re not showing it. But no one stands that rigid and that tense if they’re feeling confident and relaxed in their surroundings. As I finished moving our stuff in, just a duffel bag of clothes and basic necessities you just… waited. As if certain that the shadows would leap out at you. As if you thought I was setting you up for a trap. I promise, Bucky. I will never hurt you. But I don’t tell you that. Not right now. It’s not what you want to hear and it would just make you distrust me more.
Instead, I tell you to make yourself comfortable. You respond just with a glare. That’s okay. That’s just fine. Glaring is agency and that’s my end goal, right? To give you agency. To give you what they took away from you. Will this work? I have no idea. So instead, I tell you to have a look around. That seemed to work. Kind of…
You immediately started patrolling the room like a dog hunting for a scent, checking everything. Behind the curtains, in the hinges of each of the cabinet doors, the air vents, everywhere. You came and stood before me as I watched from the couch, and it took me a moment to realize you wanted me to stand so you could check that too. You’re thorough. I’ll give you that.
When you were finally satisfied, you actually spoke for the first time in days. Your voice was raspy from lack of use and I wish it was more than a simple report of the cameras and microphones you had found. I was impressed. And I told you as much. I told you I was proud, and you seemed… surprised. I asked JARVIS to show us the security cameras and mics that were authorized and the AI lit them up like a Christmas tree. At my request, you compared their locations to the ones you found and once satisfied that they were only the authorized ones, you seemed to relax. This… really wasn’t what I meant when I told you to look around. But anything to make you calm down…
Right now you’re sitting beside me. Tense but I suppose for a first day, I can count this a win. You’re going to be okay, Bucky. I promise.
-Steve