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It's been three weeks, the month is almost at an end, yet Jane hasn't told Anne about her scars. She thought about it long and hard, debating whether to actually tell her older cousin or not, the fear almost eating her alive.
A series of "what if's" ran inside her mind, thinking of all the possible ways Anne might react. On one hand, maybe she'd be passive and not care at all (Jane's not sure if she'd like that, she was always so used to Anne caring so much that if the second queen shrugs this off it will tear Jane to pieces), or she'd be disappointed and will give her an earful. Either way, Jane was not ready.
Aragon told her that she didn't have to tell Anne right away, but the first queen also said that Anne deserves to know. She and Kat deserves to know. And she decided to tell Anne first.
Yeah, that was a mistake.
Jane was pacing, her left arm over her chest while her right one was prompted on top of it, her hand held her jaw as her index finger tapped her cheek nervously. Taking small steps with each pace, she mumbled incoherently to herself. Her eyes focused on the floor, yet her mind raced with millions of thoughts, all of which caused her to spiral more.
What if Anne disowns me?
What if she gets mad she'll start ignoring me?
What if she humiliates me?
What if she'd get mad?
What if—
"Jane?"
A voice called out abruptly making the third queen jump.
"Oh crap! Sorry, Jane! Didn't mean to scare you!" The voice chuckled.
Jane turned and saw Parr, sheepishly rubbing the back of her neck, a guilty smile on her face.
"Cathy?"
Parr nodded, "yeah? What's up? Are you okay? You were pacing." She pointed out, raising a brow in question.
The blonde stood straight, "of course!" She squeaked out, cringing at the pitch of her voice. She cleared her throat and once again looked at Parr, "why wouldn't I be okay?"
"Well, for starters," Parr began, taking a step closer to Jane, "Anne does that when she's nervous or worried." Jane flinched at the mention of her older cousin, yet Parr didn't seem to notice. "And, from what Anna said, Kat does that when she's in distress, too. I just thought you're pacing for the same reason."
Jane gulped, Cathy knows too much, and she didn't like it. Trying to play it cool, she spoke out, "oh it's nothing, Cathy! Was just thinking, that's all."
"About what?"
Parr's blue eyes bore into Jane's silver ones, it made the third queen squirm. Sensing her distress, Parr turned her gaze to the side and chuckled sheepishly once again.
"I'm sorry, maybe it's personal! I won't pry, but you know you can open up to me, right?"
Yeah, that's not happening. It's not that Jane doesn't trust the sixth queen, but like she said, she doesn't want to bother anyone. Jane knows just how much guilt and sadness Parr carries on her shoulders, and to add on those burdens would honestly not just fuck Parr up, but it would also mess with Jane's psyche. So, wordlessly, Jane just nodded, yet the promise that was spoken was empty and was already broken.
Parr smiled, and turned to head to the kitchen, still oblivious of the third queen's predicament.
Jane let out a breath, but her body is nowhere near relaxed. The thought of telling Anne was still haunting her in her mind, and, as much as she hated it, she needs to talk to her privately. Where no one else can hear. Or there. Just the two of them. No, Jane is not ready. Her body was trembling, breathing becoming erratic, yet she forced herself to relax. Don't worry, she told herself, yet it wasn't enough to calm her. Anne won't be mad. She wouldn't. Right?
Finally gaining her breath, Jane stood straight, shoulders tense, and made her way up the stairs. With each step her thought ran rampant in her mind, almost whispering in her ears, you're just annoying her. The third queen took in a sharp breath, fist shaking on her sides, and before she knew it, she was in front of her older cousin's bedroom door.
Bringing her shaking hands to the door, she quietly knocked, hoping that her cousin was asleep.
"Come in!" Came a muffled reply, and Jane deflated.
Reaching for the knob, she slowly turned it and opened the door. Inside, Anne was laying on her bed, phone in hand and looked up for a moment. Once she saw Jane, she turned her phone off and sat upright. "Oh, Jane! What can I help you with?" She asked, a small smile on her face.
Jane fumbled with the hem of her jumper and mumbled incoherently.
"Dove, you know I can't understand you or Kitty when you do that, right?" The second queen chuckled, she then patted the empty space to her right, "c'mon, so I can hear and understand what you're saying."
Letting out a shaky breath, the blonde took slow steps towards Anne. Once seated beside her older cousin, her hands gripped the hem of her shirt tighter.
"Are you okay, little Dove?" The second queen softly asked, bringing her hand close to Jane's face to cup the third queen's cheek. "Is something wrong?"
Jane looked down, mumbling to herself once again.
Anne clicked her tongue, brows furrowed, "did something happen? Was it Aragon? I knew it! That's it, I'm gonna smack a bitch!"
"Wait, Anne, no!" Jane quickly said, holding her cousin down before the second queen had the chance to run outside and fight Aragon. "It's not Lina! I swear!"
Anne scoffed, somehow disappointed she couldn't fight Aragon, yet her expression softened at the distressed look in Jane's eyes. "If it isn't her, then what is it?"
Jane bit her lip, unsure if she should really tell Anne.
"Jane? JJ, please what is it? You know you can tell me anything, right?"
I know, Jane thought to herself. Looking at Anne once again, she stared at her emerald eyes. So full of worry, full of concern, and fear. You don't deserve that.
"Just promise you won't get mad?"
Anne's brows raised, almost in disbelief, before nodding. "I won't get mad, I promise," she said in a hushed tone.
The hands on Jane's shirt started shaking again, her voice wavered with each word that passed through her lips, "I know you said if I was feeling down I could go to you, right?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry, I was just scared. And I didn't want to bother you or anything. And I know how busy you can get and I just didn't want to disturb you or anyone else. Please don't be mad."
Putting the pieces together, Anne's eyes widened. "Jane, you didn't."
"I'm sorry!" Jane choked out sobbing, now hunched over as she buried her face in her hands. "I'm so sorry!"
Anne, taken aback by Jane's sudden outburts, also tried to calm herself. Breathing in slowly to keep her temper in check, lest she scares Jane more. "Hey, hey, little Dove," she whispered, "please look at me. I'm not mad, I promise you." She slowly wrapped her arms around Jane's tense shoulders, bringing the third queen close to her chest. "Hush now, little Dove. I'm not mad. I promise, I will never be mad at you."
"I'm so sorry," was Jane's muffled reply.
Pressing her lips against Jane's temple, Anne pulled her closer. She took Jane's right hand and pulled it away from her face, placing it on the third queen's lap as she clasped their hands together despite the tears in Jane's palm. Rubbing her thumb gently over Jane's hand, Anne quietly asked, "did you hurt yourself again, my Dove?" To which Jane only responded with a nod. "May I see?"
"Don't be mad, please."
"I won't," was Anne's quiet reply. "I'm not."
With trembling hands, she gripped the hem of her jumper and pulled it up, just enough for the six horizontal scars to be seen. Hearing the gasp coming from her cousin, Jane bit her lip, trying too hard to fight off the tears in her eyes.
"Oh, ma petite colombe, pourquoi feriez-vous cela à vous-même?" Anne breathed out, voice almost wavering. She lifted her hand and moved them just an inch above the scars, too afraid to touch them, but also curious if it's real. She looked back up at Jane and saw the tears streaming down her face. "Jane," she softly said, yet it still made the third queen flinch, "are there more of these?"
Turning her head in shame, Jane silently nodded, now pulling her jumper back down to cover her stomach.
Anne gingerly cupped Jane's cheek and slowly turned her head to face her. Gently caressing Jane's cheek, she quietly spoke, "where else, my Dove?"
Jane kept her mouth shut.
"Little Dove," Anne pried once again, "where else?"
Letting out a breath, Jane pointed to her thighs, her hand was shaking as it then pointed to her collar bones, and finally, she looked at Anne and pointed at her neck.
Without further hesitations, Anne quickly pulled Jane's hair back, revealing her neck. There, two jagged lines lay. Examining it further, Anne found it started along her nape, not touching, but it was so close, and then it went around her neck and stopped just before it reached her throat.
"Oh mon Dieu," the second queen whispered, a horrified expression on her face. Her eyes wide as she continued staring at the scars. They were near the veins, near the pulse points, and from its looks, the ones near the nape seems deep. The veins we're almost popping on Jane's neck, and it took everything in Anne's power to not trace her fingers along the searing red scars, to not throw up, and to not bring her hands near her own scar.
"I'm sorry," the third queen mumbled, tears pricking her eyes. You made Anne uncomfortable, you idiot. "I'm so sorry!"
"What led you to do this?" Anne managed to say amidst her shock and horror. Her hand was just a shy inch away from touching the scar, yet she really can't bring herself to touch it. "Jane, what's the reason behind these?"
And with that Jane's gaze was downcast, the whispers of many voices rang in her head, much louder than it was before. Almost as if it was yelling at her.
It's because you're a failure, Jane.
You're going to be like your brothers someday, stop denying the inevitable.
Your son died young, did you know?
You're not the daughter they wanted.
You're such a doormat.
Just bound to obey and serve.
"It's just…" Jane began, voice low and almost inaudible, "too much." No, it's not. You're just overly sensitive. "And it's getting too hard to handle, and I don't know what to do. It's just too tempting, and I succumbed to these sordid desires. I'm so sorry, Anne." Stop lying, Jane.
Anne heaved out a heavy sigh, her hand now moved its way up to Jane's cheek again, wiping the stray tears. "I know it's going to be hard, but please promise me, little Dove, if ever you have problems, come to me. Don't ever hurt yourself again." She said, now wrapping her arms around Jane and pulling her close. "I don't know what I'd do without my Dove." She murmured quietly, softly stroking Jane's hair.
Jane nodded, returning Anne's hug and burying her head on the crook of Anne's neck. Her cousin was warm, and she hugged her tighter, afraid to let go. You're gonna end up disappointing her, you know. If not her, then Katherine. She could hear the voice taunt, yet she blocked out its voice. She shouldn't worry about that, if Anne reacted this way, surely Katherine would too, right? For now, she's just going to bask in the warmth of her cousin as she closed her eyes, hoping, praying, that somehow all of this will end well.
Fine then. If that's what you believe in.