Chapter Text
Andrew Minyard didn't really believe that aliens had tentacles.
He knew, statistically, that aliens had to exist somewhere in the universe. He knew, statistically, that there was some chance that those aliens would be semi-aquatic. He knew statistically that tentacles were a possibility. But for all that knowledge, Andrew never really believed it. Andrew, like many others, was the kind of man that believed in what he could see, and he had never seen an alien with tentacles.
Still, if pushed, he would probably have guessed that semiaquatic aliens would resemble amphibians rather than cephalopods, more like frog aliens than octopus aliens. Ergo, no tentacles.
Andrew Minyard was about to be proven dead wrong.
It went like this:
Andrew woke up every day aching to be somewhere else, wanting to find something that made him feel something and hold onto it like nothing else mattered.
Currently, two things that had come closest were dangling his feet off of the roof and wondering what it would feel like to fall, and his brief brush with glory in 2005, where he had the opportunity to attend the WARPED tour and foolishly declined. Andrew had no intention of letting either of those be the thing he would build his life around, but he hadn't found anything else, and his building supplies had begun to rust.
Andrew worked in an old pawn shop, the kind of old dusty store people liked to peruse without actually buying anything. His income was meager, but living with three other people and mooching off his dead mother’s life insurance helped to offset the very very little money the pawn shop brought in.
Andrew sat behind the counter and inspected an old, gold painted pocket watch. It was gorgeous but it was badly made and probably broken. It had remained untouched.
Two weeks ago, a man had strolled in, grinning like the sun, eyes wide and smile wider. "A pawn shop. Oh this is great! I haven't seen a pawn shop since the eighteen-nineties! Love a good pawn shop."
Andrew didnt know who this man thought he was talking to, but he had no intention of listening. That was, until he got a better look. The man was, in a word, hot. A masterpiece of a human being. He was tall. Dark hair and brown eyes and evenly tanned skin. He had chosen to mar the artistry of his delicate features with a terrible outfit.
A garish, ill-fitting suit and lopsided tie made him look like exactly the kind of whimsical idiot that got excited about a pawn shop. He strolled around for a while, looking under old desks and behind shelves like he was playing hide and seek. He looked up and saw Andrew and very conspicuously started pretending to be interested in the store’s wares. He circled once, twice, before getting distracted by the gold pocket watch. He inspected it with an unpracticed eye and brought it up to the cash register.
"How much is this?" He said.
Andrew pulled a number out of thin air.
"Two hundred dollars." It was not worth half that much.
"Two hundr- Jesus ." The man pinched the bridge of his nose. "Can I haggle? Do you haggle?"
This was common. Andrew worked at a pawn shop, haggling was practically part of the job, and Andrew was good at it. He just really wasn’t in the mood today.
"Sure, I haggle." Andrew leaned back in his chair and looked the guy up and down "Starting price is two hundred and fifty dollars."
"What?!"
Andrew plastered on a fake grin "you know what though? You seem like a nice enough guy, and you drive a really hard bargain so I'll let it go at a nice, cool two-hundred."
The man let out an incredulous laugh and Andrew swooned a little on the inside and then immediately hated himself for it. "I’m Stefan. What's your name?"
"Andrew. Minyard."
Stefan grinned and Andrew caught the asymmetrical dimple in his left cheek in full force. Dear god Andrew thought to himself. "Tell you what Andrew Minyard, how much time is it going to be until that watch drops down to a lower price range? Say, fifty, maybe sixty dollars? I also pay in favors and bottle caps. I have so many bottle caps I could give you.”
“Keep your bottle caps.” Andrew actually considered how much something like this would cost. “If no one buys it in… two weeks, you can have it for fifty.”
“Deal” Stefan grinned. “See you then.” He gave the shop one more once-over before striding out like he had hell on his tail.
The pocket watch was nothing special. Sure it was vaguely good-looking but it was also shoddily crafted and then painted gold after the fact. Andrew wondered what it was that had attracted Stefan to it.
Today marked exactly two weeks since Stefan had walked into the store and Andrew had had exactly 27 customers since. None of which even glanced at the pocket watch. Andrew didn't want to admit that he was awaiting Stefan's return to the store with bated breath.
Ask him out. Andrew imagined Nicky telling him. What's the problem? He's hot and he seems like he likes you. Just do it!
Yeah but seeming to like Andrew and actually liking him are two different things . Imaginary Aaron retorted.
Andrew you should just do what you want, contributed imaginary Kevin, helpful as always.
The thing was, Andrew never felt like this, especially about customers, but something about this
Like Andrew’s thoughts had summoned him, Stefan ran in. This was the way he moved, it seemed. Quickly, like he was being chased. He was just a natural runner. This time though, there was something in his eyes. Panic. Fear. “Andrew, I don’t have time to explain, but we need to hide.”
Andrew looked at the glass display behind Stefan and saw nothing. “From what?”
Stefan frowned and reached to grab Andrew's arm. Andrew pulled back and drew a knife from his armbands. Stefan reared back, his eyes widening. It was almost an overreaction, but things had escalated very quickly and Andrew didn't really feel like laughing.
"Don't touch me." Andrew said, not bothering to tamp down the fierceness in his voice.
"Fine, fine." Stefan said, almost absentmindedly. He was staring at the knife. "I'd appreciate if you'd put that away."
"I'd appreciate if you told me what's going on." Andrew replied, but put away his knife.
Stefan groaned. “We don’t have time for this.” He pulled out his wallet and flipped it open to reveal… nothing. A blank piece of paper… but also not. It was empty, but also it had… CIA credentials on it, no, FBI. Andrew blinked and tried to make sense of it. “Look, see, you can trust me."
Stefan clambered around the counter to duck behind it, Andrew ducked with him. "There's nothing on that paper… I think." Andrew said "So I'm going to ask you again. What. The hell . Are we hiding from?"
A high-pitched scream could be heard from outside the store. Stefan peeked over the counter. "That."
A troop of walking, tentacled creatures walked past the glass display window. They seemed human from the waist down, but from the waist up they were writhing masses of limbs with puckered blue suckers, unmistakable as tentacles. They were holding what looked and seemed to function like guns, but seemed to be designed to look comically menacing. The effect was at once almost laughable and scary as all fucking hell.
Andrew couldn’t tear his eyes away. “What the fuck are those.”
Stefan looked down at him. “How did you see through my psychic paper?”
“ What the fuck are those? ” Andrew repeated.
“Karrdolisks.” Stefan crouched down as a beam of blue light scanned its way through the store. “Alien bounty hunters.”
“Who are they hunting?” Andrew asked, because it seemed like a more helpful question than whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck?
Stefan grinned his one-dimple grin and said “isn’t it obvious?”
“You? Why would they want you?”
Stefan rolled a coy, mocking shoulder “Well who wouldn’t?”
Andrew was going to explode. "What did you do?"
"To make them chase me? Exist. People don't exactly like my species these days."
"Your species ?" Andrew knew what was going on now. This man was insane. He was a fucking madman and apparently
"My species, time lords, yes. You're fucking curious." Stefan's eyes flicked up. "Stay down." He whispered.
"That was the fucking plan." Andrew said in the same tone as another beam of blue light "What’s psychic paper?”
Stefan handed over his wallet. "Shows you what I want you to see. For some reason it doesn't work on you."
Andrew flipped it open "This says you're single and you work out."
Stefan cleared his throat. "Psychic paper. Can't let your mind wander when you're handing it over." He took the wallet back. "Hmm. You haven't dated anyone in a while but you consider yourself to be footloose and fancy free ."
"It doesn't say that." Andrew said, mortified.
"No, actually the word you used here was available . And another…" Stefan's eyes found Andrew's "... very ."
Andrew cursed his stupid head.
The windows crashed open. Andrew clamped his mouth shut and rolled in on himself to protect his body. He couldn't hear anything except a high pitched ringing and then… burbling. Like the overpronounced bubble sound effects they used in cartoons. He looked up at the dusty shop to see destruction all around, goods scattered about willy nilly. Andrew was running up how much all of this would cost him on his head. He was trying to figure out whether his insurance would cover alien encounters when Stefan started talking to them.
"Right yes, you're all very menacing and deadly. Get on with it already." Stefan raised his arms on silent challenge.
More burbling. "Oh is that so? Well you can tell my father to go fuck himself. He's never going to catch me alive."
A burble.
"What?" Stefan's voice was more panicked now.
Another burble, then a blast. Stefan had been hit. He looked fine, unfounded, but he had been sapped of all strength. Stefan fell back onto the counter and Andrew leaped into action, he ran out and scooped Stefan up with a strength he hadn't had to use in a while, he ran to the storeroom in the back and locked all the doors. That would buy them some time.
Andrew's heart was beating in his ears. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't think. "Are you alright?" What was that thing?"
"Degradation gun. My organs are starting to fail, one by one. I'm dying."
Andrew's vision went white. He hadn't signed up for this. Nothing that had happened this morning had led him to prepare for cradling a dying man in his arms.
Stefan lay in his arms, weak, his breathing growing shallower. Andrew didnt know what to do. "Hey, hey, shh." Stefan lifted a hand up, not touching Andrew, but trying to soothe him anyhow. It seemed cruel, or unfair that Stefan was the one trying to calm him down. "It's going to be okay."
"How the fuck is it going to be okay?" Andrew gasped out. He grabbed Stefan's hand and pressed it to his cheek, kissed the palm, unsure of how and unable to provide more comfort.
"I miscalculated. Turns out, my wanted poster now reads: dead or alive." Stefan laughed weakly. "Look. Whatever happens from here on out, this form is done for. I'm sorry. But I'm glad that your face was the last one that this face gets to see."
Andrew was shaking. "What?"
Stefan sighed. "Do you know what happens when a time lord dies?"
Andrew floundered for words and settled on "No."
"Yeah, I was willing to bet. No one does anymore. Lucky you, you're about to find out." Stefan coughed. "I really appreciate the whole 'cradling me in your arms' deal. Very hot, very sweet, but you're going to have to stand back now, dear."
Andrew followed instructions, every cell in his body itching to stay, to follow his instincts.
Stefan smiled, his head face up, towards the low ceiling. “It was nice meeting you.”
Outside of the storeroom, Andrew could hear the Karrdolisks, banging on the door. They burst in and Stefan started to glow, slowly at first, emitting soft, golden light. Then he exploded into motion, floating off the floor, beams of light shot from his arms, his head, his legs, the light grew brighter until it was blinding. Andrew felt the light warming him.
When Andrew blinked his eyes open, the Karrdolisks were piles of ash on the ground, and standing in front of him was a man wearing Stefan’s clothes. He was shorter than Stefan had been and so they hung limply on his form. His hair was a deep auburn, his eyes like blue fire. His features were fine, delicate. Rosy lips and cheeks moved aside in a crooked smile, dimpled in the left cheek. There was a small gap between his two front teeth. “Okay. What do you think?”
Andrew waited a moment for the words to style in his brain before he realized what they meant. “Stefan?”
“Hmm. Used to be.” The man who used to be Stefan mused. “But now, I think I’m Neil.”
Andrew stared.
Neil looked at the Karrdolisk piles on the ground. “Right. Okay, I bought us some time, but we’re going to have to go soon.” There was another burbling noise outside. “Okay, I miscalculated. We’re going to have to go now .”
“What exactly is your plan here?”Andrew hissed
“Step one, sneak out your back door. You have a back door, right?” Neil asked, he was talking a mile a minute.
“Yeah.” Andrew answered, ponting at it.
“Excellent. Step two.” Blue eyes met hazel and Andrew felt a shock run through his body. “ Run .”