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Flowers are simple, lovely, and elegant in their own ways, even more so at that time where Kakashi shyly brought a bouquet, cheeks flushed red as he completely ignored Inoichi’s snickering from behind as he made his way out from the shop.
Iruka said he liked marigold, how their appearance was so round and vibrant, sunflowers also, he said that their brightness made him calm down, and tulips, roses, and so many more. He loved flowers because he believed that any place could be lightened up by them, whether they were placed in the hallway, the bathroom, or even the above the kitchen sink, flowers would always vivify a place.
And as gray eyes scan over the various flowers displayed all around the church, he can’t help but to feel like some sort of betrayal is going on because of how beautiful they are. Iruka is right, it does brighten up the place, like how their home used to be.
Their home that has marigolds last week, then sunflowers the next. But now, his home doesn’t compare anymore. It’s dull. Empty. Lifeless.
No more sunflowers, and orchids.
Kakashi never wanted their home to be empty. They were young, foolish, and so full of pride that their banters became a weekly thing until words they never meant to say were spoken out.
He remembered how Iruka looked at him with tears rolling down while trying to explain that he was fine, that he doesn’t care if Kakashi was an ANBU, or that if he came home from every mission on the brink of death. But Kakashi cared.
He cared how he couldn’t always be there for Iruka, he cared about that one day he might not be able to come home like how he had promised, and he absolutely cared about Iruka’s safety.
Iruka was well aware of what came with him—danger, death, and all other things that tailed with being an ANBU that was listed in so many bingo books. But Iruka didn’t mind. He accepted like he was an ordinary person who doesn’t have death written all over his hands.
However, Kakashi did mind. Especially when he got caught by his enemies, tortured and starved for days all the while mentioning to him how they were going to get his Iruka. And Kakashi’s entire being broke when two days later, they threw Iruka’s battered body next to him.
The day Kakashi broke up with Iruka was a day after they got rescued from the hellhole. It was so painful as Gai carried him and was jumping through branches with Iruka in another ANBU’s arms, unconscious and bleeding. It’s sickening to watch as he laid paralyzed on the bed while Tsunade tried her best to fix the damage they had done to Iruka.
But nothing compared to the pain when he broke it off with Iruka crying as he walked away, eyes pleading for him to stay but Kakashi knew Iruka would always be in danger if he’s around.
Kakashi could handle not being by Iruka’s side, but being the reason for Iruka’s death? That he’ll have to surrender to.
He’ll do anything to keep him safe, even if it means that two years later, as he stands at the entrance of the church with Gai beside him, holding his breath and keeping the tears within him because he needs to accept that from this day forward, the love of his life will be someone else’s home.
“Kakashi…”
“I’m okay, Gai,” Even without knowing, Kakashi knows Gai is worried about him. But, he’s not here to interfere, no. He’s here to see Iruka, a friend, a fellow shinobi, get married.
That’s all. Nothing more.
でも君が選んだのは違う道
But you chose a different path
Kakashi lets Gai wander off on his own, knowing well that Gai can handle himself well, plus, he kind of needs this time alone. The jounin and soon to be Rokudaime, takes a seat on the pew in front, eyes scanning the altar and the beautiful white cloth that decorated it. Kakashi doesn’t go to churches nor does he pray, but as he glances over the flowers decorating the place and the soft music ringing behind, he can’t but to plead to whoever’s above to stop the tears from pooling in his eyes.
“Kakashi-sensei,” Kakashi snaps his head to the left. Sakura smiles at him, face contorting concern and beside her is Naruto, who looks at him for a moment before sitting upright, obviously avoiding him. Kakashi gives the young kunoichi a nod as if telling her that he’s fine. He will always be fine.
Sakura blinks at him before turning to whisper words to Naruto, who the other dismisses quickly with a pout, arms across his chest tightening.
Kakashi chuckles lightly. They mean well, but Kakashi understands Naruto’s attitude and maybe his questions as to why he is here.
Naruto was the first one to punch him once he learned about the breakup. Kakashi never bothered to explain because what’s the use? Naruto wouldn’t be able to keep Iruka away from his enemies. Wouldn’t be able to understand how dangerous it was being associated with him.
However, it did hurt him that whenever they went on missions together, Naruto would act all professional and if he got a little too close, he would quickly back away, and his mood would turn sour. He knew Naruto acted as if nothing was wrong so it didn’t hinder the mission, and admittedly, he was glad of how Naruto handled it so well.
Naruto had grown up to be a wonderful and caring person. Even though he was almost thrown to the side from the burden inside of him, it was Iruka who managed to save him. The one who helped shape himself into the wonderful person that he was right now.
“Hey, brat,” Kakashi looks up and smiles behind his mask. With a slight nod, the Hokage takes a seat beside him carefully, her dress, a beautiful mix of green, gray and pink, hugs her body strikingly causing some eyes to land on her when she fixes her straps.
Tsunade gives him a pointed look, lips pursing in annoyance before giving up in fixing her dress. Well, Tsunade isn’t really that type to dress all girly so Kakashi gets her.
“You here alone, brat?”
“Good afternoon to you too, Tsunade,” She huffs, orders one ANBU beside her to give them some private time. When it is only the two of them seated on the pew, she looks over at him and Kakashi has never felt so naked especially when she opens her mouth to ask him something.
“Are you okay?”
It’s funny. How Tsunade and him, acted like they hate one another, how they’ll come up with words to rile up one another to no end, and of course, Kakashi giving her constant headache either by submitting improper reports or violation protocols. But moments like this are rare, Tsunade acting like a big sister or a sober aunt, worrying about him as if he isn’t thirty.
Kakashi appreciates it though how she worries about him, about Naruto and Sakura, and Iruka.
“Yes, I’m fine,”
“You don’t look fine though.” Kakashi raises his brow as he directs his gaze at the woman. He’s perfectly aware that his face isn’t showing any kind of emotions right now. How can Tsunade assume that he isn’t fine? Is his mask down or something?
She clears her throat, caramel eyes glued on him. “It’s Iruka, kid.”
“I’m afraid I don’t quite understand.”
She sighs again, whispering under her breath something about needing sake at the moment. “It’s Iruka—and you…”
“Here? Well, it’s simple. I was invited and of course, I need to be nice and accept the invitation,”
“Kakashi, stop with the bull—”
“Why is everybody so concerned about me anyway?” He says, a little too loud and Kakashi didn’t fail to notice a few pair of eyes landed on them. But really, that’s the fifth time someone asked him that question, from people who he knew and maybe from some who were just in it for the gossip. Kakashi doesn’t mind but it does get a little irritating to be asked again and again.
“Kakashi…” The soon-to-be Rokudaime drops his hands on his thighs, avoiding Tsunade’s pity gaze.
Is he that pathetic? Was his decision to come here a mistake? Panic starts to rise within him as he glances at Tsunade, her eyes pleading and something else that he can’t comprehend.
It frustrates him.
Kakashi stands up, cringing a little when the back of his knees hits the pew behind him. He clears his throat, fixing the lapels of his suit in the process. “I—If you’ll excuse me Hokage-sama, I need to get some fresh air.”
“Kakashi, stay here.”
“Tsunade-sama, let me be, I can keep myself safe.” And as he leaves with Tsunade’s gaze following him, he feels an ANBU following behind.
So much for privacy. Was his decision to agree in becoming the Rokudaime, also wrong?
あの頃の僕らの事を
We can't go back to that time
Kakashi pulls down his mask and takes a long drag off the cigarette he had in between his fingers. He rarely smokes, usually, he chews on some tobacco gum once in a blue moon, but when he’s really stressed out, paired with years of built-up anxiety, he needs something a little stronger.
He stopped smoking when Iruka told him to. Well, when he caught him in the act and after that, he added it to his long list of promises to Iruka. He only smoked again when he killed those bastards who dared injure Iruka.
But now, as Kakashi releases a white puff of smoke, watching it as it fades away, the smell of cancer so strong and lingering on, he can’t help but to think, that coming here is his punishment.
Maybe.
Maybe he’s the one punishing himself for every sin he has done, or maybe this is a punishment because ANBUs like him weren’t supposed to find their sanctuary, shouldn’t have a person to come home to in the first place, but Kakashi—a selfish ANBU he was, defied all of it and let himself have that happiness.
He let himself be selfish that only resulted with him hurting Iruka.
Maybe it was his punishment to see Iruka happy without him.
One more long drag, he exhales and presses the butt against the concrete wall before throwing it in the nearby trash. He pulls his mask back up, accidentally grazing at his scar.
He always loathed this scar, it’s like a small reminder that every time he looks at a mirror, it whispers the consequences it came with. How the eye that gave him power, kills him at the same time. He remembered how Naruto had given him a new eye during the war. Even though the kid resented him from hurting Iruka, he’s still kind and caring enough to even bother saving him.
He should’ve just died back there, and then maybe he wouldn’t have to swallow all of his sins again. Maybe he would get to be with his dad.
And maybe he wouldn’t have to see the love he had to let go of so easily, be married to someone else.
Punishment for the old ANBU who somehow cheated death multiple times.
Fixing his suit jacket one last time and making sure the smell of cigarette had faded away, Kakashi makes his way back inside the church through the back door. Upon inspection, no suspicious ANBUs were following him, he saunters his way through the hallway but suddenly stops when a small yelp echoes, surprising both him and the newcomer.
Dark blue eyes meet gray ones, and Kakashi shamelessly gapes at the person in front of him.
It’s her. Iruka’s…
“Oh! I—Kakashi-sama!” She squeaks, voice high. She clumsily makes her way to him, stumbling a little at how long her dress was.
Kakashi nods, taking in the image of how her hair was tied in a high messy but that looks pretty, and her face, all cute and ready for this big day.
Kakashi clears his throat and offers his hand to her, which she takes shyly while apologizing how she must’ve bothered him and reasons out that she wanted to have some water, but she can’t find her friend so that’s why she sneaked out of her room.
And Kakashi listens intently, observing at how smart she sounds, how delicate her every movement is, how her hair looks so shiny, and how her face is bare from any scars.
She is a beauty.
A perfect match for Iruka.
“Thank you so much, Kakashi-san!” Sadoru bows, beaming him a smile after. So pure and unaware. Simply perfect and what Iruka deserves.
He leaves with a smile and words of congratulations, unable to keep himself with her for too long because as seconds pass by, he can’t find a single flaw on her and it breaks him.
Kakashi doesn’t know anymore if coming here is the right choice.
どうして
君の手を掴み奪えなかったんだろう
どんなに時が流れても君はずっと
僕の横にいるはずだった
Why didn’t I hold on to your hand?
No matter how much time has passed
You should’ve always been by my side
A few minutes right after that, he goes back with Tsunade beside him along with Gai, Kakashi concludes that it really was a bad decision because as he stands by the few, the ceremony starts.
He can’t help but to swallow the lump in his throat as he takes in the image of Iruka before him.
There he is, the love of his life, looking as handsome as the day he met him. Iruka is wearing a black suit jacket over a white mandarin shirt that hugs his body just right, his hair, beautifully illuminated by the light above is tied perfectly, and of course, his whole appearance is just so breathtaking.
Kakashi watches Iruka nervously fidgets his fingers, occasionally smiles at some acquaintances all the while fixing the lapels of his jacket.
Then their eyes met, and Kakashi’s breath stills as the world around them stop.
Iruka’s eyes are still the same. Still holds that certain warmth in them. And Kakashi asks himself, why did he ever let those eyes look at another?
It was just like yesterday when Iruka smiled up at him gently as he healed away the new wounds and bruises, he received after a week-long mission. His smile, something that could beat the sun, was so bright amidst the dimness of their room.
So warm like the healing charka on his face.
It felt like yesterday where Kakashi couldn’t help but to stare at him, loved how his eyes were focused on patching up his wounds and his lower lips in between his teeth. He especially loved it more when Iruka was done, he would look at up at him as if he deserved the whole world like he hadn’t covered his hands with blood.
Kakashi had killed a lot using his chidori and bare hands, but it sure felt like someone had just used it against him when the church doors open, all the guests’ attention turns to the bride to be, and Iruka’s eyes gaze at the bride so lovingly, and filled with so much adoration.
It pierced through him like a knife, because that’s how Iruka used to look at him.
With so much love.
Kakashi never prays. But he sure does ask whoever is above to please make Iruka happier than before.
“How could I just stand aside and watch?”
Kakashi flutters his eyes shut, at the same time, the tears that had pooled in his eyes falls down.
永遠に君が幸せであること ただ願ってる
I just pray that you will be happy forever
Kakashi takes a step forward, about to exit the pew when Tsunade’s hand on his wrist halts him. He gives her a look, but then her gaze somehow intensified and before Kakashi can grasp what’s the meaning behind her glare, an ANBU suddenly appears behind him.
“Kakashi, stay.” She commands, voice hard. The grip on his wrist tightens.
Is Tsunade that cruel to make him watch all of this? Kakashi’s heart aches and he pulls his hand back harshly, not caring if Tsunade stumbles a little bit at his action.
“I won’t go far; I just need to—”
“Kakashi, just stay here…” Gai follows, glancing up at him with an expression Kakashi cannot understand.
The bride, in all her beautiful form, is near the middle and Kakashi also notices Iruka is looking at him right now.
What is happening? Why do the people he trusts so much are being so—so weird and hurtful? It confuses him to no end. With a huff and a short glance at Gai, he leaves his stand, not giving a single care if all eyes are on him. He looks pathetic, he knows. Attending a wedding and then backing out the second it started.
But the pain can’t compare to the humiliation right now.
He just can’t bear the idea of Iruka gently putting a ring on her.
Kakashi continues to walk, ignoring other shinobis who are giving him weird looks, ignoring how the bride is still walking towards Iruka while here he is, walking away—doing what he’s best at.
However, as he almost reaches the entrance, he feels hands on his shoulder. He cranes his neck back only to be greeted by an ANBU mask, and before he can complain, he feels a sharp pain on the side of his back.
Kakashi’s groan is cut off by another pain on his lower back, barely missing his spine if Kakashi didn’t raise his elbow to hit the enemy on the side of his face.
Series of gasps fill the room as Kakashi’s world starts to spin. Electricity begins to appear on his hand, the people around were now in horror, and no—no, Kakashi cannot ruin this day.
The pain on his side intensifies and the ANBU beside him vanishes in a blink of an eye. He stumbles backward with Genma catching him. He inhales, quickly pausing when an intense pain on his torso erupts. Kakashi sees Tsunade and Sakura running towards him, while Naruto passes by him, screaming something he can’t understand.
It’s so hard to swallow everything that’s happening, his mind is slowly spinning, and his eyes are tearing up. He guesses that maybe the kunai that impaled him must have some kind of poison on it, because his hands suddenly become numb like it has been hit by a hammer too many times.
Tsunade’s screams fills his ears but the sleep in his system is so much louder than the panic shouting around.
But before he closes his eyes, he averts them to the aisle and catches a glimpse of Iruka eyeing him with tears running down his eyes with his bride behind him.
He smiles gently.
Would he get to see his dad now?
まだ愛しています。
I still love you
“He’s getting married…” Gai held up a small white envelope in between his fingers, eyes wide and painted with sympathy that Kakashi didn’t need. He nodded in return, took the envelope and ripped it open, couldn’t care less at the burn that ran down his throat once he read the contents.
So, it was true. The rumors he had heard five months ago, about how he had found someone else. But wasn’t it too fast? Wouldn’t he want to talk to him? Or maybe try to fix—
Kakashi snapped out of his trance once he felt a hand on his wrist. He glanced down and saw Gai keeping his trembling hands from destroying the envelope further. He lets go of the poor envelope, it falling on the ground as Kakashi tried his best to avoid Gai’s eyes.
Was he too late?
He still loves Iruka—
Blinking away from the blinding light above, he moves, wanting to stand up to just feel something when a strain on his torso is stopping him from doing so. He stills, listening to the quiet tick of a clock somewhere as the smell of alcohol and bleach enters his nose. It only means one thing when those two familiar scents are combined: he’s at the hospital.
He is alive.
He tries to lift his hand up, groaning in pain as he realizes how hard it is to control his movements because the next he knows, he accidentally hits the mop of brown hair lying beside him.
Kakashi knows damn well who that belongs to, and he’s getting scared at every second that passes by for he doesn’t know what to do next. But he’s thirsty and he needs to—he gently touches the brown locks.
“Wha—” Iruka’s head snaps up, brown eyes blinking rapidly as he glances around, probably forgetting where he is, but when their eyes met, Iruka is instantly on his feet and near his face.
It confuses Kakashi to no end at how lovely Iruka’s eyes are, even laced with worry. Why is Iruka here though? Shouldn’t he be with his wife now? Why does Iruka have to be here, when these past two years, he tried so hard to get used to waking up after getting injured from a mission without Iruka waiting by his side.
He had just got used to it, used to opening his eyes with nobody greeting him, but now, as Iruka smiles down on his with tears streaming down his face, all the walls he had forcibly built around himself comes crashing down again.
Was this also his punishment? Unable to move on from Iruka?
Kakashi calls out his name once more, and the chunin replies by cupping his cheek gently, his thumb caressing his beauty mark with such carefulness, caging him within his one hand with their noses almost touching. “How are you feeling?” He asks, whispering near his lips, his hot breath ghosting over his own.
It’s suffocating but in a good way.
Unable to answer, Kakashi just resorts to staring at Iruka’s face, still contemplating whether all of this was real, all while observing how beautiful Iruka is.
When is the last time he stared at Iruka? It has been too long, he hasn’t changed, not really. He has aged a little, yes, but the scar on over his nose and cheeks is still there, his eyes remained warm, and his smile.
After two years it still sent butterflies in his stomach.
Then the image of Sadoru enters his mind. Beautiful woman in a wedding dress and—
“Why’re you… here?”
And Iruka did something Kakashi never would have expected. Tears, tears fall down from his eyes again, running down his cheeks and onto Kakashi’s chest. Did he say something bad? Is Iruka hurt somewhere? Something isn’t making sense, but all Kakashi wants to do is to stop Iruka’s tears right there and then.
“Iruka, don’t…cry…”
“I’m sorry,” Iruka starts in between sobs, moving his forehead down to rest on Kakashi’s shoulder. The jounin just lays there and listens to Iruka’s continuous string of apologies, not quite getting where this is going. He is still unable to move his arms so he can’t really do much but to listen painfully to Iruka’s cries.
“I’m sorry, oh god, because of me you’re in this situation—I, I didn’t assess it well and—” Kakashi frowns and nudges Iruka lightly so he can look at him properly when the chunin sensei did look up, Kakashi’s heart broke at how red his eyes are, how he looks so broken and lost.
They stare at each other for a while, just basking in one another’s presence, not caring if he is catching all of Iruka’s weight, or if the tips of Iruka’s hair were gently tickling his chin.
He’s willing to catch everything that is Iruka.
“Are you hungry?” Iruka whispers, not missing how Iruka’s eyes lands on his lips before going back up at his eyes. Kakashi nods back, expects Iruka to stand up and go, however, something unexpected happens that Kakashi never thought he’ll get to experience again.
Kakashi freezes when Iruka’s lips lands on his.
After a second, Iruka pulls away and Kakashi quickly misses the feeling of Iruka’s lips. No matter how much he wants to do it again, how he wishes for the time to stop so they can remain in each other’s arms—it’s wrong.
What they did was unfair.
“I love you,” Kakashi manages to utter with his voice breaking in the middle. It hurts him to no end at the idea of Iruka kissing him just because he got hurt. “I love you so much, Iruka but—” He chokes out, tears flowing freely down his eyes, letting himself be vulnerable in front of Iruka.
Like how he used too.
Kakashi wants to pull Iruka towards him again, but he just can’t hurt Sadoru and Iruka. He isn’t that kind of person.
“We can’t Iruka, your wife, you should be with her…”
“Shh… shh… Kakashi, I’m here. I—” Iruka quickly scrambles toward him, cupping his face again as the chunin forces him to look at his eyes. “I need you to listen to me, okay? Kashi?”
“Iruka… please,”
“Kashi, listen to me, please,”
At this point, as Iruka explains himself, Kakashi can’t help but to sag back into the bed, swallowing every word that is given to him. Information like how from the start, his relationship with Sadoru wasn’t real, the wedding was fake, and how all of it was part of a mission.
Mission to protect the soon to be Rokudaime.
Kakashi feels sick to his stomach. He can’t understand why Iruka would do this. But then, Iruka takes hold of his face before pressing a kiss on his chin. “I’m sorry, I did this to protect you,”
“Why?”
“Th-that time where you were unconscious for a month, someone who was wearing a shinobi uniform broke in your room to kill you, and if Sadoru-san didn’t accidentally walk in the wrong room, you would’ve—” He hiccups as his hand roam down to grab Kakashi’s gently, “And since that day, her life and yours were both in danger. Hokage-sama assigned me to be by her side since she’s my co-worker, and—and I think with me and her being together had been an easy target because before the wedding thing happened, someone almost broke my arm and we concluded it was an inside job, that anyone who is involved with you…”
Kakashi inhales sharply, he can’t believe that someone dared to hurt Iruka while in their village. Someone dared to actually—the light squeeze on his hand snaps Kakashi out of his thoughts, he glances up back at Iruka, who is giving him a smile.
“I’m fine, don’t worry Kashi…” Kakashi gives him a small smile. How Iruka predicted what he was thinking, still makes his heartbeat rapidly. Iruka knows him too well and Kakashi appreciates it wholeheartedly.
He’s a mess but Iruka, in some way, knows how to fix him.
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed but these past few months the Hokage wasn’t giving you outside missions. It’s because we were trying to find out who wanted you gone, and—and when we learned who it was, a former ROOT member that was loyal to Danzo, we kept an eye on him and then this wedding thing came so the threats for me and Sadoru would disappear, but I didn’t know they would—”
“I’m sorry. That even though we weren’t together for long, they still came for you,” Kakashi cuts him off, but Iruka is quick to dismiss him.
Iruka lets go of his hand to push away his fringes while his other starts to caress his cheeks, running a thumb over his scar. “No, no. Kakashi, it’s not your fault. Don’t ever think it’s your fault, please…” Iruka slowly leans forward, their noses touching once more.
“From the start, I never blamed you for anything…”
“Iruka, I—”
“So please stop blaming yourself.”
Iruka’s lips are on his again, and after a few more minutes, Iruka had somehow climbed his way beside him, careful not to accidentally nudge his wounds. His head is on Kakashi’s shoulder while his arms circles the jounin’s middle. They spend the time basking in each other presence, asking a few questions here and there, until Kakashi feels sleepiness taking over him again.
“Iruka…”
“Yes?”
“Will you marry me after?”
Kakashi groans when Iruka’s elbows hit his side, the chunin apologizing quickly as he sits up straight, holding onto Kakashi’s wound, which fortunately didn’t open.
“Kakashi! Don’t surprise me like that!”
The jounin lets out a weak chuckle and Iruka’s heated cheeks becomes redder by the second. He pouts, slapping Kakashi’s abdomen lightly. “You have to court me first!”
“Yes, of course…”
“Stupid Kakashi! Asking sudden questions. Did they put too much anesthesia in you or what?” Iruka huffs, laying back down, but this time, burying his face in the crook of Kakashi’s neck. He sighs, snuggling in closer, uncaring if his hair tie came undone by his action.
Silence covers them for a while before Kakashi speaks again, “I did so many things in life that I regret, but leaving you was the most…” Kakashi stops, closing his eyes to stop himself from crying yet again, but Iruka places his hand on his shoulder, where that cursed red swirl tattoo sits. He strokes it, so delicate and careful, encouraging Kakashi to continue.
“I never wanted to leave you, but I’m more scared of not seeing you ever again,” Kakashi’s heart beats violently against his rib cage, he doesn’t mind if Iruka is able to hear how nervous he is. How weak, how pathetic.
It will always be Iruka who is allowed to see him like this.
“I also never stopped loving you,”
“I know…”
Kakashi smiles, pressing his cheek against the brown locks. “I love you, and I’m sorry,”
With the sun already set, gone and replaced by the moon, lighting up the room where the couple stayed glued to one another, Iruka sniffs, tears running down his eyes and onto Kakashi’s shoulder.
“We have a long way to go, Rokudaime…” A chuckle escapes their lips, Iruka loving how deep and real Kakashi’s voice is. “You better marry me…”
He almost lost Kakashi again. It’s unavoidable but Iruka prefers to spend his remaining time with Kakashi by his side. And when Kakashi nudges him to look up, he did, and he doesn’t waste any time to kiss him again and again.