Work Text:
"Should I smile because you're my friend, or cry because that's all you'll ever be?"
- Unknown
June 2019
You can be whatever you want to be.
It was easy to say those words back then when it was just himself and Monty. Whatever they had, whatever it was, if one could even put a label on it – Winston was content with it. It wasn’t healthy by any means – Winston acknowledges this – but he can’t help how he feels.
But when Alex waltzed into his life like a fever dream, first in denial of who he was, who he liked, what he liked, Winston changed along with him. He originally chose to come to Liberty to investigate the circumstances around Bryce’s murder. Monty was framed, and Winston swore to himself that he would get to the bottom of it.
Until he couldn’t. There were moments at Liberty when he felt like his past was worth burying, worth forgetting, worth moving on from. He was expelled from Hillcrest, Brian outed him. Monty hooked up with him twice, taking his life by storm, and leaving it just as quickly. He’s had only a few years to come to terms with his sexual orientation, but for those few weeks, he was content. When he and Alex started seeing each other, Winston was content with what he had. Alex was sweet, dorky, kind-hearted, and cute. He’s not like Monty – but for some reason, Winston didn’t mind that at all. Monty was attractive – yes, but so was Alex, and in more ways than just one.
When Alex broke up with him at the senior camping trip, Winston was heartbroken. Hurt. Confused. Distraught. Because Winston felt like he had finally found love, something, someone to hold onto, and it was all taken away from him in one go. When Alex refused to give him an explanation and started seeing Charlie, Winston swore to himself that he would forget about Alex, that he’d return to his original mission of finding justice for Monty and that those truly responsible would face the full brunt of the law.
But then… he couldn’t.
Because as Winston learned, destiny can be a cruel bitch.
The sun has long set, and in its place, darkness encroaches the sky. Traffic has slowed to a halt, and it’s only the dimly illuminated streetlights that bring life to the large road that stretches for miles and miles. It’s dark, and it’s desolate. Winston wants to feel happy – relieved even – that school’s coming to an end. He’s hated it for as long as he remembers. He hated Hillcrest – all the rich, preppy, stuck-up kids, holding themselves to some obscene moral standard. He thought he’d like Liberty more, until it became evident Liberty was just as terrible. Just not as obviously so.
But he can’t feel happy. Justin’s death has sent shockwaves through the school, and by extension, Crestmont. He showed up to Justin’s funeral to pay respects – to truly pay respects, despite what Ani, Jess, and the rest of the crew must think.
But that’s not the only reason he went. He went to check up on Alex. To make sure he was alright, that he was strong, that he could handle all of it. Winston’s heart cracked when Alex couldn’t bring himself to deliver a final eulogy on the stand. He felt every word weigh on his soul – and felt powerless about it. He wanted to speak up, to say something, anything.
But he couldn’t. Because when Alex started to cry again, Charlie was there, holding him tight, gently whispering in his ear that it would be okay, that they had each other. Charlie and his big, strong frame, holding Alex tight, close. It was bittersweet to watch. On one hand, Winston is relieved to see Alex with someone who makes him happy.
Except... that person wouldn’t be him. It would never be him.
With a heavy sigh, he closes his eyes, and steps into one of the only illuminated buildings on the street.
Monet’s.
Alex looks… happy. He looks like he has everything now and has the world at his feet. Winston observes with sad eyes when Charlie smiles warmly at his boyfriend, reaching out a hand and resting it on Alex’s knee. His breath catches when Alex reciprocates the touch and massages Charlie’s hand. Winston remembers a time when that was his hand that was being held, massaged, with warm smiles.
It’s like a lifetime ago now.
Mustering the courage to walk in, he finally enters the scene.
Winston doesn’t know how to feel when everyone tenses up at his entrance. It’s unavoidable – it’s almost deserved. After all, he spent most of the past few months trying to put one of them – or all of them – behind bars as a departing justice for Monty. They have every right to fear him and distrust him. But what Winston didn’t realize until recently was that the person he was really trying to put behind bars is the one he still loves dearly.
Alex.
His eyes are on Charlie. The wide-eyed, innocent, adorable quarterback of the Liberty Tigers. He’s undeniably handsome – Winston can admit this, even if he wishes he couldn’t. Charlie’s wearing a neutral, but guarded expression, and it makes Winston a little uneasy when he sees Charlie straighten up and tighten his grip on Alex’s hand in defensive, territorial fashion.
Little things only a pining ex-lover will notice. Charlie even pushes aside the pillow he was hugging to free up a hand. Winston’s glad, at the very least, that Alex has someone who would fight for him. Alex has someone who wouldn’t back down for him. He rests his gaze on Charlie, who looks more uncomfortable by the moment, then on Alex, whose face has a million emotions, none of them discernable, although his fingers do hold onto Charlie’s a little tighter.
Like… like they’re protecting each other…
Winston shudders, before finally stepping forward. “Can we talk?” he asks, solemn eyes on Alex.
Alex slowly nods, trading worried glances with Charlie, before heading out of the building with Winston. A touch of discomfort hits him when he feels what must be Charlie glaring daggers at him. Charlie doesn't hate him - he can't possibly, they barely know each other.
But he does love Alex.
Sighing, Winston closes his eyes, and they step out the door together.
“May I ask you… why’d you do it?” Winston asks, trying his best to maintain a neutral, cordial expression.
“Zach had hurt-” Alex begins.
But that’s not what Winston’s here to ask. He’s not here to ask about Bryce, he’s not here to ask about Monty. No. He’s here to ask about Alex. “Why did you choose him?” Winston chokes out, letting his eyes sweep to the side to catch a glimpse of Charlie, who’s sitting tensely, watching the soundless scene unfold behind the window. He looks worried, cautious – jealous even.
“Why Charlie?” Winston asks, heart heavy with remorse.
Alex looks dumbfounded by that question. He raises his hands defensively, taking a small step back. “Winston, I-”
“Look, Alex, I’m not asking you to take me back,” Winston says, reassuring and stoic. “I’m not asking for anything. I just… I just want to know… What is it like, with him?”
“Winston, are you… are you sure?” Alex asks him, voice heavy with worry, which makes Winston’s head spin, dizzy.
You’re making this harder than it needs to be, Alex.
“Yes, please.”
Winston closes his eyes after asking that, like resigning himself to fate as he walks into what will be a difficult, hurtful, yet necessary conversation.
“I…well, he’s kind… he’s soft,” Alex says, glancing sweetly over at his boyfriend. Winston winces a little at that. “He’s the most kind-hearted soul I’ve met… despite how fucked up I am.”
Winston nods slowly at that.
“I guess I’ve always had a thing for jocks,” he lets out a laugh. “You know – before I fell for him… before I even met you… I guess I had a crush on Zach,” he says, a slight blush creeping on his face. “But he wasn’t into guys, and I’m glad we stayed friends, and…”
“I know,” Winston nods, lips pressed in a hard line. “I talked to Zach too, during the drill. You’re incredibly lucky to have him as a friend.”
“Yeah,” Alex nods again, slow. “But then I met Charlie… and it was like, everything changed,” he continues, eyes sparkling as he recounts their story. “And then I realized how different he was from the rest of the jocks. I guess I find them physically attractive, but Charlie was also sweet, dorky, gentle, and he totally didn’t know how to party, just like me,” Alex grins again, and Winston realizes he’s referring to the Find-Your-Drink party months ago.
He knew Alex had gone, but they didn’t cross paths. Winston was busy trying to extract information from Jessica, and then realized he had an ally and friend in Diego. Part of him regrets that now.
“Then we got high together off his amazing weed cookies, and I just… felt so relaxed, you know? And not just because I was high, but because I felt so natural right there,” he continues. “I haven’t felt that way since losing almost everything.
“Since your TBI,” Winston murmurs, softly. “Or maybe… even before.”
“Yes,” Alex confirms. “And then I just… for a while I thought no one would ever want a skinny, sad kid such as myself. I mean- I know you wanted me but I…”
“I know, Alex, it’s okay,” Winston says again, stoic and firm. Even if it’s a lie. “Please, continue.”
“When I started panicking during that drill, when I started crying, unable to breathe, hearing things… Charlie was the one who held me tight. He told me everything would be okay, and that I was experiencing symptoms of my TBI,” Alex is breathing hard, clutching his chest with one hand as the memories come flooding in. “He… he was so sweet; he did all this research just to be prepared in case something like this happened… and then…”
Alex pauses, and Winston grimaces a little when Alex turns his head to stare through the window at Charlie. His eyes are watery, like he’s about to cry, and Winston thinks of giving him a hug right then and there. But he can’t. He can’t do this just now. Charlie’s looking back at them, but there’s no jealousy, no tension, no defensiveness in his expression. He looks… sad, almost, like he’s peering into Alex’s eyes. Words unspoken between them. But not unheard.
“And then I pushed him away,” Alex admits. “I couldn’t bring myself to date someone so pure, so kind-hearted, so innocent. So I pushed him away. I said awful, hurtful things to him just to get him to leave me alone.”
“But he didn’t, right?” Winston asks, mouth slightly agape, eyes scanning Alex’s pristine face.
“He fought for me. He wouldn’t give up on me, he said,” Alex murmurs, breath hitching. “Until I pushed him away one last time. You know, by the pier, where you and I grabbed coffee that one time.”
Winston painfully acknowledges the memory.
Alex deliberates for a moment. “And then I saw it in his eyes. I saw the hurt, confusion, and remorse as he started to lose hope, to give up on me. And I came to regret all of it soon after. I regretted giving up on someone who would do so much for me.”
Alex is frowning, lips puckering as he finishes the last breath of that sentence, and for a moment, Winston’s sure he’s about to cry.
“I’m so lucky to have him,” Alex sniffles, smiling sweetly through the window when his gaze meets Charlie’s own. “And… you know… along the way, somewhere along the way… I realized how lucky I was to have had you, too,” Alex admits, lips pressed in a hard line, shaking his head.
If Winston’s heart was cracked before this, it was surely broken now. Whatever shields he spent building up for so long were now shattered, quietly broken, as if they were never there in the first place. He’s trying not to cry, trying to keep his emotions in check, lest they get the better of him.
"Did... did you ever really like me?" Winston sighs, emotional and defeated, almost in fear of what would come next. He averts his gaze to the ground, afraid, terrified of what Alex might say. For a moment, he's not sure if he can really handle this anymore.
"Yeah. Yes," Alex says after a pause, sincere and kind. "You opened up a new world for me. You helped me figure out stuff about myself," he admits. "I loved being with you."
So this is how it ends.
“And I’m sorry, Winston,” Alex breathes. “I think in another life, another world, we could have… if things were different, we could have been happy together.”
“Yeah... me too,” Winston whispers back, feeling the hurt and ache recede just a little.
“But I’m in love with Charlie. I… I didn’t believe in fate, in fact, I still don’t think I do,” Alex says, voice heavy with emotion. “But after seeing him, being with him, holding him… I’m beginning to believe in it now,” he says, nodding warmly through the window at Charlie.
They would do anything for each other, Winston realizes.
Moments pass in silence between them, only the breeze of the wind, the distant honk of a car filling their eardrums. Alex looks content, even if it’s bittersweet. At least he’ll be happy… even if I won’t. Winston sighs, exhaling sharply before reaching into his coat pocket, and retrieving what he’d always felt was his last hope, his last-ditch attempt to find justice in a cruel world.
Evidence that would exonerate Monty.
“I’m not going to do anything,” Winston says shakily, before handing all of it over to Alex. It takes a weight off his chest, a burden off his heart that he didn’t even realize was there.
“I… I thought I was,” he continues, breathing hard, voice breaking. “Because I loved Monty. I knew him somehow, I swear I did,” he finishes, lips puckering as the memories of the little time they had together before Monty’s death play vividly in the back of his mind.
“But I loved… I love you too,” he chokes out.
Alex shuffles uneasily at this – but he doesn’t look away. His blue eyes are staring straight back into Winston’s, and while Winston can see that although Alex doesn’t love him back, that although Alex is happy now, content with Charlie, content with someone who Winston knows will be a good, a great boyfriend – he understands. Alex understands him.
“And I have tried not to,” he says, the first tear finally rolling down his cheeks. “But I still fucking do,” he finishes, closing his eyes in defeat when the scene in his mind changes, from grayscale to colour, from Monty to Alex. The university trip, the walk by the pier, their bowling date. Everything’s playing at once, like vintage, like memories of happier times.
And then it all fades away.
“And I might not be able to have you,” Winston chokes out, tearily. “But I’m glad you have him.”
“Okay,” Alex whispers, tears in his eyes. He’s breathing hard, shakily. “Thank you.”
Through tears, Winston regains a moment of composure. “Can… can I hug you?” He asks.
And then they embrace. It’s warm, it’s soothing. Winston chokes a little bit at this, realizing that this may be the last time he’ll ever get to hug Alex, to feel his arms around him, They feel as good now as they did back then, when they were still dating. Winston’s sobbing, trying his best not to lose it, to give it all up right here, right now.
But it’s time to let go. Literally and figuratively.
As he turns to walk away, he doesn’t dare look back at Alex. He doesn’t risk looking back at Charlie, either. It hurts, it stings, and it’s not the happy ending he wished for. But somewhere, somehow, from the bottom of his heart, he’s happy for Alex. And he’s even happy for Charlie.
The tears don’t stop. Even when he pulls out his phone, they keep falling, getting in the way, blurring his vision, making the touchscreen unable to recognize the pressure from his fingertips. But he grits his teeth and forces himself to do this anyways.
(Just now) Winston Williams: Take care of him, Charlie.
(Just now) Winston Williams: I know you’ll be a great boyfriend, a great lover. Promise me you’ll make him happy.
…
..
.
(Just now) Charlie St. George: I promise I will Winston.
(Just now) Charlie St. George: Thank you for not turning us in. That’s a debt I’ll never be able to repay.
(Just now) Winston Williams: You’ve already repaid it
(Just now) Charlie St. George: Thank you. Alex… in another life… Alex would have loved you. And I would’ve been sad… but I would’ve been happy for him… and happy for you, too.
(Just now) Charlie St. George: You’re a good person Winston. I wish things could have ended differently, somehow. Take care.
(Just now) Winston Williams: You too, Charlie. Goodbye.