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“Some people think that to be strong is to never feel pain. However the strongest people are the ones who have felt pain, understood it, accepted it, and learned from it.”
-- Unknown
June 2019
Alex was never too keen on playing football. It’s never been his strong suit. He’s always been clumsy with the ball, dropping passes, and being the ‘sad, skinny kid’ he is, was too easily tackled along the way. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t enjoy watching it, though. Some of the people he cares for the most consider football to be a part of their identity.
First, it was Zach, and now, Charlie.
Alex admits to himself that although he doesn’t like playing football per se, that he really enjoys seeing Charlie play. Whether it’s because he knows that his boyfriend is the fucking quarterback, the star player, the freaking captain of Liberty Tigers, or because Charlie looks even hotter when clad in football gear, it doesn’t matter. He’s excited whenever Charlie’s on the field.
They’ve only been dating for a little under two months, and the school year is rapidly closing in on them. It’s late June now, and it’s only a few more days of class until Alex can say goodbye to Liberty. Of course, he can’t wholeheartedly say goodbye, because Charlie still has one more year to go through. But he’s glad nonetheless to see it all come to an end, like a book he can finally close, a chapter of his life he can move on from. Still, seeing Charlie’s football games and watching him at practice has become a high point in what little time he has left at Liberty.
“Great work St. George!”
“Yes! Our quarterback is the fucking best!
“Who are we?! LIBERTY TIGERS!”
Alex hears the cheers and supporting roars from the rest of Charlie’s teammates, smiling when he sees how happy, how joyful, how natural Charlie looks when he’s playing football. And Alex realizes that seeing this makes him happy too. Seeing Charlie happy makes him happy. And so, although he doesn’t particularly like football, he does like Charlie, and by extension, seeing him play football makes him happy.
It was like this for the past few weeks, happy and joyful, until Alex realizes one day that it doesn’t always end this way. Because when you’re in a relationship, you promise to be there for one another for better or worse. And today, Alex finds out what ‘worse’ means. It happens during one of their practice sessions. Charlie called him earlier that day, told him that he had been feeling off, a little sick, and dizzy and that he had hit his head earlier that week. Alex encouraged him to play anyways, citing that it was probably just the weather, or that it would get better. He remembers pushing Charlie a little bit, telling him, ‘come on, you love football. And I love seeing you play football,’ and Charlie reluctantly agreeing to go to practice today.
But it turns out to be one of the scariest days of his life.
“Come on, St. George, you’ve been a little off today,” says Diego, walking over to pat Charlie on the shoulder. Charlie nods in return, clearing his throat as he mutters a garbled apology.
“Y-yeah,” he grimaces. “I’ve just been feeling a little dizzy today. I got sick over the past weekend.”
“To busy with Alex?” Diego winks at him, looking unconvinced by Charlie’s reasons, but relents, chuckling a little as he taps his helmet against Charlie’s. “You’re up, let’s go!”
“O-okay,” Charlie says back. He takes a moment to look over at the stadium where it’s mostly empty – as it’s practice time after all – except for the fact that Alex is there. He hasn’t missed a single game and only missed a handful of practice sessions. In many ways, Alex is his biggest fan.
“Come on, Charlie, you can do this!” Alex calls out, hands by the side of his mouth for emphasis. When Charlie grins at him, he smiles back, flashing a thumbs up. There’s little time to talk or do anything because, in the next moment, the whistle gets blown, and the next round commences.
“Go, go!”
Charlie picks up the football, briefly looking around in a wide arc, analyzing the best course of action. He seems a little more sluggish than usual, but nothing too noticeable, taking a giant step backward, then to the right before tossing it back to one of the running backs.
“Come on, Charlie, let’s go!” Alex cheers again, eyes glued onto the back of Charlie’s jersey, emblazoned with ‘St. George’. He grins proudly at that.
The field is a little wet, something Alex noticed at the very start of the practice. It rained earlier, and although the skies have cleared up, the grass is still moist, and a little slippery. Alex doesn’t think much of it, but it does add to his claims that it’s probably just the weather that’s causing Charlie to feel a little sick and under the weather. He sighs, thinking to himself that he’ll treat Charlie to a nice dinner and just tuck him in bed after this.
Charlie’s now running across the field, steady feet bolting past the line of scrimmage. Already, two more guys, also clad in football gear, catch his flank, and one more block his advance. Alex glances over at the running back – he can’t quite remember the name – but watches intently as he throws the ball, watching it rotate and fly through the air.
“Nice throw!” Alex hears, barely registering the words.
It happens in slow motion.
Charlie’s poised to catch the ball and make a break past all the guys who are trying to block his advance. His eyes are on the football, ready to catch it, prepared to run with it. Then for a split second, his concentration falters. He takes one misstep, losing his balance on the still slippery field. He looks like he’s about to faint – and all of this happens in the space of two heartbeats.
The football nails him at peak velocity, right in the side of the helmet, causing him to reel backward, his helmet colliding with another one of his teammates. Alex can feel his heartbeat in his throat as he watches his boyfriend fall to the ground. And then he doesn’t move.
At all.
“CHARLIE!” He screams, jumping over the railings of the bleachers, wincing in pain when his hand catches on the bar. It hurts – but he’s barely registering it. He tries to run, but instead slips, cursing when he realizes that the grass is indeed slippery. With horror in his eyes, he sees Charlie struggle to stand up, incoherent noises leaving his lips.
“Charlie! Are you okay?!” Alex yells, making a break past the football guys to caress Charlie’s face. It’s covered in a bit of mud, grass, and rainwater. Charlie slowly opens his eyes. “Ugh… D…dizzy,” he manages to choke out, eyes fluttering closed again.
“Charlie, it’s okay, I got you,” Alex says, holding Charlie’s still hand. “It’s okay, it’s okay. What’s 4 times 4? What’s your birthday?”
“Al-Alex,” says Charlie, dazed. “I’m... o-okay… I…I think.” He says, slurred, trying to get up, falling down into Alex’s arms when he notices that he’s too shaky to move at all. Something that really worries Alex, and that he fears might be a concussion.
“Guys?” Alex frantically looks around. “Will he be okay?”
“Oh fuck,” Luke says, moving forward, eyes steady on Charlie. “Fuck, it looks like a concussion.”
Shit.
“We gotta call him an ambulance,” Diego says. “Go, one of you! Get coach Kerba and call 911.”
“Go!” roars Alex when the players seem to hesitate. He looks back at Charlie, squeezing his hand tightly. “You’re going to be okay, baby, help is coming, help is coming,” he says, breathing frantically. By instinct, his hands move over to Charlie’s helmet. He tries unfastening the helmet, but Diego stops him halfway.
“What?”
“Don’t remove the helmet,” Diego says. “Concussion protocol. We have to wait for more help.”
“What, why?! Why do we have to wait?!” Alex demands, gripping Diego’s football gear with shaking hands, breathing hard. His lips are pressed in a hard line, eyes burning holes into Diego, who has his hands raised defensively in return.
“Look- It’s what we were taught!” He says, shaking his head. “Do you want Charlie to be safe or not?”
And Alex relents. He lets go of Diego, sighing, and muttering a soft apology. Diego is right. They know better than he does. They have the relevant football training and relevant knowledge on how to handle things. It sucks. It really fucking sucks, because Alex feels so powerless right now. All he can do is kneel on the dampness of the grass, tears in his eyes as Charlie flutters somewhere between semi-conscious and unconscious.
“Charlie, listen to me,” Alex breaths, holding Charlie’s limp hand against his chest. “Help is coming, help is coming,” he says, voice trailing off, repeating it to himself like a mantra. “You’ll get through this. It’s just a concussion; it’s just a concussion…”
And Alex realizes just how much he hates himself right now for saying that at all. A fucking head injury. Alex knows how much that isn’t true. Just how deadly, how serious a goddamn head injury could really be. He stops talking, settling instead for holding Charlie close, taking care not to move his neck, spine, or head, lest there was a more severe injury than initially thought.
He watches with a heavy heart when coach Kerba comes out, ordering the rest of the team to stand aside while he performs a land spinal immobilization. Alex shudders at that, but Kerba tells him that it’s just a precaution, which Alex hopes is true.
When EMS finally arrives, Alex can hardly hold back the tears when they transfer a now unconscious Charlie to the stretcher, and the doors of the vehicle slam shut behind them. He’s covering his mouth with both hands, shaking as he tries to steady himself.
Hospital.
He’s gotta head to the hospital as soon as he can.
Alex is pacing back and forth outside the room, sometimes trying to steal a glance or listen to what might be happening in the room. It’s futile, of course – everything is off-limits to outsiders. Even if that outsider happens to be your boyfriend. It scares him. It really scares him a lot. He’s worried that Charlie might sustain some brain damage, even if the doctor told him earlier that it looked like a concussion, and that those tend to resolve over time. It’s all his fault – he told Charlie to go to practice, downplaying what Charlie told him over the phone earlier.
Angrily, he drives a fist into the wall – not hard enough to bruise them, but just enough to let out the steam. Just a bit. “Stupid Alex. Fuck. You’re so stupid,” he says to himself in anger. “You fuck up everything, and now you’ve fucked up your boyfriend.”
He feels sick to his stomach. His mouth tastes like bile, and he ignores it when Diego and Luke tell him to take a seat by the waiting area, where the rest of the football team and coach Kerba are sitting. He can’t bear to sit down there. He can’t bear to not be doing something while Charlie’s in the emergency room. He’s left a voicemail for Charlie’s father, throwing his hands up in the air when he remembers that his dad’s on vacation. He thought it was a great thing at first, Charlie offered to invite him over to spend the night this weekend, ‘and do more’ which Alex was looking forward to a lot.
But now, he’s not so sure.
Finally, after God knows how long, the door opens, and the doctor and nurse come out.
“You may come in now, but Charlie can’t leave for a few days,” they explain. “Charlie’s had a moderate concussion. He’s conscious and can talk, but don’t push it, otherwise, it could make it worse,” they continue, but Alex is only half listening. His eyes are on Charlie, who’s awake, but sleepy, a bandage wrapped around his head. His neatly combed brown hair is undone, and he’s in hospital clothes.
It doesn’t matter – he’s beautiful.
“Hey,” Alex says, smiling warmly as he takes a seat beside his boyfriend.
“Hey,” Charlie says back, that familiar smile breaking across his face when his eyes find Alex’s. “Y…you came?”
Alex shakes his head, eyes watering. “Of course I did. Of course I would, Charlie.”
“Thank you,” he says, letting out a sigh. “I have to stay here for a few days, don’t I?” He exhales, closing his eyes. “So much for having the house to ourselves.”
But Alex isn’t thinking about that. He was looking forward to it, yes – but that’s not what’s important right now. Charlie’s health comes first. “Don’t worry about that,” he whispers, caressing Charlie’s cheek. “Don’t worry about anything right now – you need rest.”
“I know, I just… does my dad know?” He asks, reaching out to hold Alex’s hand. Charlie’s hand is warm, soft, a contrast to when he was on the field, unconscious. It takes a weight off Alex’s chest, even if only just a little bit.
“I left a voicemail,” Alex nods. “But he’s on vacation… and I think he’s asleep,” he grimaces.
“Thank you, I just want him to know I’m okay,” Charlie says, smiling sweetly.
They share a few moments of silence thereafter, and Alex remembers why and how he fell for Charlie in the first place. Everything about him, from his good looks, his kindhearted soul, his pureness, and sincerity, is to die for. He likes that, and Charlie gives him something he hasn’t felt for a long, long time.
Hope.
Charlie’s sincerity, integrity, and kindness have inspired him to look at the world differently again. Being at Liberty, where so much fucked up shit has happened, so many lives lost, and after having two unsuccessful relationships with Jessica and Winston, Charlie is like a ray of sunshine. He’s forgotten how to hope, and how to have faith – but Charlie’s restored that for him.
“The rest of the football guys are here too, by the way,” Alex suddenly says, smiling warmly when Charlie’s face lights up when he hears that. “Do you want me to call them in?”
“Sure,” Charlie nods.
The rest of that afternoon goes by slowly, each of his teammates coming in to pay their respects, their condolences for their team captain. Alex watches from the sidelines, feeling relief and joy that Charlie has such supportive teammates with him. It looks and feels like a second family, almost, and what makes Charlie happy makes Alex happy too.
“We knew our captain was hard-headed!” Diego jokes, nodding when Charlie gently chides them for worrying too much.
“Nah, man, you’ll be okay. Alex will take care of you,” Luke says, tapping Alex on the shoulder.
Alex just rolls his eyes at that.
Finally, when it’s time for the team to leave, Alex makes sure to stay behind. He phones home, letting his parents know that he’ll spend the night at the hospital, making sure everything’s okay. His family offers to come as well, and Alex agrees at Charlie’s insistence that they all come.
“We’re one big happy family now, aren’t we?” He says, and Alex chuckles at that.
“I’m glad you’re okay,” Alex murmurs. “I… when I saw you unconscious on the field… I stopped breathing for a moment. I have never been more frightened in my life.”
“Here I am, though,” Charlie grins back at him. “Stuck in a hospital for a few days, but at least I’m okay.”
“And I’m sorry I pushed you to play today,” Alex sighs. “I… I should have listened and… I should have just…” He trails off, shaking his head.
“It’s okay, Alex,” Charlie says back, reassuring. “I agreed to play anyways, right? It’s okay – I didn’t think it was that bad either.”
“But…”
“It’s okay, Alex, I promise,” he says again, squeezing Alex’s hand a little tighter. “Just… will you stay with me for a bit? Maybe for tonight? I-I mean, I know you have class tomorrow so you can leave early…”
It’s a no brainer, Alex knows that he will choose to be by Charlie’s side for less. “I’ll skip it.”
Charlie’s tries to argue, as expected, “No, don’t-“
“No questions asked,” Alex says again, pressing a soft, quick kiss against Charlie’s lips. It makes him feel warm and fuzzy, and instantly, he feels at ease when Charlie smiles again, stroking his arm lovingly. “But you have to let me see you tomorrow too, then.”
“Okay, deal,” Charlie’s lips close into a smile around the words, soft and adoring and grateful.
“I love you Charlie,” says Alex, holding back a sniffle when he peers into Charlie’s pristine blue eyes.
“I love you too Alex,” Charlie says back, doubling down on holding Alex’s hand with both of his hands now. And he doesn’t plan to let go anytime soon. Alex grasps his hands back. He thinks of the future, of possibilities, of fear, but above all, with Charlie’s hands in his, of hope.
Charlie would be okay. Alex rests his head against Charlie’s chest, listening to the soft thumping of his boyfriend’s heartbeat. He feels content with this.