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Chapter Text

It took Zuko years to come to terms with the fact that Ozai was a villain not fit to bear the title of a father. Years of turmoil and why me’s. Years of anger fueled by pain and confusion. Years of burns and assassination attempts. Years of Zuko trying to win his father's love, wanting someone to love him as his mother did.

When a child is conditioned to believe that abuse is normal, anything slightly different is a crime, an abnormality. The child learns that every action has a hidden agenda, that kindness is a ploy to get the upper hand on them. They learn that any sign of weakness is a cause for punishment. They learn that fear will be their biggest enemy and will be the culprit for their death.

Zuko never had time to be a child once Ursa left, and even before her exit, his childhood was mostly training and hidden handprint scars. The only times he can recall actually having a childhood was when he would feed turtle-ducks with his mother and when he would play in sprawling fields with his cousin. But, once Lu Ten and his mother fled out of his life, it was back to scathing words with ‘training accidents’.

By the age of 9, he was training for hours nonstop, not being granted even a drop of water unless he mastered techniques that even war generals struggle with. Of course, Azula had already mastered the moves years ago. Always their father's pride and joy, he was just the family disappointment. Too sensitive, too kind - lucky to be born.

It was no surprise that after being pushed relentlessly day after day training in the blazing heat, that Zuko collapsed in the middle of one of his moves. He can remember black spots crowding his vision and him going limp.

His teachers remember hearing his head slam against the ground with a sickening thud. One of the servants who was walking nearby runs to alert the physician and his father while Zuko’s teachers try desperately to arouse him.

His father arrived at the training grounds before the doctor did, Azula training behind him. Instead of waiting for the doctor, he delivers a swift kick into his son's stomach, followed by a second one when the first once didn’t wake him.

Zuko’ s eyes snap open by the fourth brutal kick, vision swimming as he picks up on the one word that his father utters:

“Pathetic,” and turns on his heels, ordering him to continue training, Azula giggling as she follows their father back into the palace.

After that, Zuko’s body learned to wake back up immediately after passing out during most training sessions, and if he gains a lot of concussions, then that’s no-one’s business than his and Agni’s.

When he was 10, the young prince grew accustomed to his younger sister trying to kill him. The first time it happened, he was feeding the turtle-ducks in the garden when Azula sneaked up on him and shoved him into the water before he could react.

As she held down his shoulders in the water, not allowing him to breach the surface, Zuko had a brief thought of being able to see his mother and cousin again. He wouldn’t have to be exhausted every single day and not get any praise for it. He wouldn’t have to be worried about improving so he could eat dinner that night.

By the time he had accepted his fate, the mother turtle-duck was pinching Azula’s hands until she backed up with a screech, letting him up.

And as Zuko gasps for air, he can’t help but be disappointed when his lungs become filled with precious air.

At age 11, his father had started to realize that the fear of physical punishments had worn off after years of it, and had moved on to other methods.

If he spoke out of turn, he missed a meal.

If he looked at the Firelord the wrong way, no lunch for him.

If he showed any compassion for war-torn families, he wasn’t allowed to eat for the next two days.

When the constant lack of nutrition caused Zuko’s flames to sputter and eventually extinguish, his father deemed it unacceptable and continued to deprive him of meals, to the point where he couldn’t even get out of bed without collapsing.
Even so, he would attempt day after day to get out of bed to make it to training so he could make his father proud, but every single time he would collapse and break out into tears, which fuelled his father's anger even more.

He went on for months, only getting scraps that sympathetic guards would steal for him upon seeing all his frail bones sticking out from his skin before word came that Mai and her family would be visiting in 2 months' time.

His father helped walk him to every meal, making sure his ‘child’ would eat until he was filled to the brim, so Mai’s family would be none the wiser.

Even years later, Zuko is protective of every single crumb of food, never letting anything go to waste, but only if he was worthy would he eat. He would never let anyone know that he continues to skip meals when he is disappointed in himself.

Zuko’s worst punishment was when he was 12 years old. He was demonstrating a hard firebending move for his father when he tripped and shot out flames at Azula. When he sees her skin bubble from the flames, blistering immediately, he can no longer breathe.

Azula is his father's everything, his future, his present, and Zuko was his past. He has been Ozai’s past the second Azula was born. Azula is everything the Firelord wants in a child, and as she cries her first real tears since she was born, Ozai is swift to swing a hand out and attach it to the prince’s throat.

Zuko thought that if his father was just going to choke him, then he could last, the period of starving would be worse than simple choking. But he is sorely mistaken when he feels the hand heat up rapidly.

And as the skin around his throat warps and sizzles, Zuko can’t help but feel that all he is destined for is pain. He doesn’t feel like he will be alive by next year if his father continues down this route of hatred towards him.

The thought of not being around next year to disappoint his father is more comforting than he would like to admit.

Azula recovers from the burn, it didn’t leave a single mark with how weak her brother's flames are. But, Zuko has trouble breathing for the next month, a huge bloody handprint burnt into his esophagus, and he has trouble eating the little meals his father grants him once a day.

Zuko loses weight again, but not only that, he loses any shred of hope he has left. Every single day is the same, he trains from sunrise to sunset, getting a tiny portion of food in the middle so by the time the moon is out he is hungry again. If he is lucky, that day he won’t be hit or yelled at, but Zuko’s luck is running out. It has been since his mother left.

His only reprieve is his uncle returning from Ba Sing Se, but it’s like a shell of a man returned. His uncle is so filled with grief that he doesn’t notice all the brutality that Zuko is subjected to.

Zuko feels so numb that he can’t bring himself to cry over Lu Ten, he feels like a black hole.

A week before the prince turns 13, his uncle is shocked into reality when he sees his brother one day lay a sizzling hand on his nephew, and he can see every bone in the boy's hand.

He throws up.

Later that night, he visits the boy's chambers and is heartbroken to have the boy flinch away from him.

Every touch to Zuko feels like a brand.

He doesn’t deserve kindness.

When Zuko turned around to see his father in the arena, his heart stopped beating.

He knows this will be the end of him, but even so, he begs and cries like the weakling he is.

He cries and shakes and begs but it doesn’t matter, his father has branded him before with words and fire. His throat is a testament to that.
“You will learn respect and suffering will be your teacher,”

The last thing he hears over his own screaming is Azula cackling.

When he wakes up weeks later on the sea in the small boat his uncle is manning, Zuko sobs heart-wrenching sobs.

He just wanted to die.

Why can’t he do everyone a favor already and die?

Chapter Text

Zuko has been banished for 2 months and the bandages around his eye have been off for 1 week now, but he refuses to leave his room. He sits in his bed all day, dozing and thinking. He keeps his door locked so his uncle can’t come in and pretends not to hear Iroh’s pleas.

Pleas for him to come out, to eat, to just talk to him.

Iroh slides a plate of food under his nephew's door every mealtime, and is devastated to see two of the three meals shoved back under with not a single bite taken out of them.

By the end of the second month, Iroh has had enough. He and Jee take the screws off of the banished prince’s door and make their way inside.

Jee stays in the hallway but he is still privy to the outraged cries the prince emits.

Iroh knew this anger was coming, and he accepts it. He is just glad this boy - no this child - is feeling something.

That’s all Zuko is really, a child who needed help in a time where no one cared for him, but Iroh is here now and he would give up everything, even his life, to help and care for this child.

Iroh has been keeping a close eye on Zuko. He makes him come to every meal and makes him eat at least half. Every bite he eats feels like a rock in his stomach, weighing him down even more. He doesn’t deserve to eat, why should someone worthless like him deserve to eat more than people impoverished from the war.

At night when he goes to bed, he can’t help but sob when he sees that his hands no longer shake from hunger. He doesn’t deserve any of this. The only thing he deserves is death.

Zuko can’t sleep anymore. He lays awake every night, listening to the rocking of the boat and the laughter on the main deck. In the back of his mind he wishes that the boat would capsize and drown him.

Zuko feels hopeless night after night with no sleep. He builds up a routine, stay awake for 3 days, sleep for 2 hours on the 4th night. If he can no longer starve himself, the least he can do is deprive himself of sleep. Sleep is for the worthy.

He feels accomplished when by the second week his hands shake from exhaustion.

Months go by and Zuko has started fooling everyone. He comes on deck, gives orders, searches for the avatar, comes to meals, and he even participates in music night. He can see that his fellow crew members are more relaxed than they were before. He feels proud that they don’t suspect that he is still miserable. All he does is bother people, he doesn’t want to inconvenience them more than he has already.

He starts training again. He ends up back in the same routine that he had at the palace, train for hours and hours, deny water, but he doesn’t let himself pass out. That would worry his uncle too much. It would reveal that he is punishing himself.

As Zuko continues to fail over and over again, when his fire won’t light because he is afraid of it now, he hates himself even more.

He hates himself with every fiber of his being, and so when he is able to bend fire again, he burns his thighs, stomach, arms, anywhere that can be covered. His father was right, he is pathetic, and he needs to finish the burns his father started.

It all comes to a head in the fall, half a year since he was banished. Zuko has build up a collection of small fingerprint scars all over his body, and has circles under his eyes that are black as coal.

With the lack of sleep (he can now go 5 days without sleeping), he has been thinking more and more irrationally. He finds himself wandering close to the edge of the ship every single day. He will brace himself at the railing and stare down at the crashing waves. He can’t help but be reminded of when Azula tried to drown him, about how sad he was when the turtle-duck came to his rescue. He will stare for long periods of time, only to stop and go back to his room or train.

He misses the looks of concern the crew members share.

The next day he goes back to the railing, wondering if this time, the fear of drowning wouldn’t be as scary. He wonders how fast his lungs would fill with water or if he would hit his head on a rock. He runs through all the possible outcomes for hours. He only stops when he’s called to lunch.

He doesn’t hear Jee talking to Iroh that night about his worrisome behavior.

The next day it’s going to storm and Zuko stares at the rolling water and notices how aggressive it is. This would be a welcome aggression, unlike his fathers. He feels more relaxed today than he has for years and it’s probably because his mind is made up.

With one quick swoop and glance over his shoulder to see if anyone is watching (he doesn’t notice Jee standing in the doorway to the chambers), he swings his legs over the railing and drops into the water.

He can accurately say that it only took 7 seconds for his lungs to begin filling with water and is sad that his head did not in fact hit a rock.

Iroh feels his heart stop when Jee bursts into his room soaking wet holding an equally soaked Zuko in his arms.

“What happened?!” He frantically asked, rushing over to see his nephew unresponsive.

Jee looked shaken, “I-I don’t know, he just stepped overboard, willingly,” the man adds at the end. He knew he was concerned the previous night talking to Iroh about Zuko, but he didn’t think the boy would actually jump into the water.

Iroh didn’t want to think about all the implications that sentence contained and instead worked on saving his nephew.

The next day, Iroh watches as the boy in front of him sleeps, probably the first time in a long time and he berates himself for once again not noticing his nephew’s turmoil. He feels like a horrible uncle.

Two days later, Iroh takes Zuko up to the main deck to let him stretch his legs under a watchful eye. He hasn’t been able to get Zuko to talk to him about what’s been going through his mind. He is going to ask once again while they are up on the deck.

But as he and Zuko both lay eyes on the disruption in the distance that can only mean the avatar, Iroh feels his chance slipping out of his fingers.

Chapter Text

After saving Sokka’s dad, Chit Sang, and Suki from Boiling Rock, Zuko couldn’t help but feel exhausted. He hasn’t allowed himself to sleep in 3 days, and he’s planning on going another 2 before he will rest. He feels horrid for betraying his uncle. He is a disgrace like his father always told him.

Now that he is not with his ship crew, he’s taken to hiding the handprint on his neck with a scarf, it’s bad enough to be judged about the scar on his face.

He watches as everyone interacts among each other, they all seem to know each other and Zuko feels like an outsider.

Even so, he can’t bring himself to leave. Instead, his eyes keep wandering back to Sokka and Katara’s father, Hakoda. He knows now that most dads aren’t like Ozai, but he can’t help the unspoken fear that someone kind hearted like the water tribe kids would get hit for their actions. After all, he too has a kind heart, and he was beaten constantly for it.

He always took after his mother, but he learned to hide that part of him, and instead became lost in a person he didn’t recognize. He feels like his whole personality is dictated by who his father wants him to be.

And now, that he’s here aiding his father's enemy, he feels lost. He doesn’t know who he is. All he knows is that he is being a horrible son, but looking at Hakoda, he has to wonder if his father is worthy of that title.

“I can hear you brooding from here, Sparky,” Toph quips, causing the rest of the group to turn and look at him.

Zuko feels clammy, he learned growing up that having the spotlight on you is not a good thing, “I’m just thinking about…” He trails off, he was never a good liar, “I’m really tired, I think I am just going to go to bed,” He stands up, making sure to put his bowl gently down and heads to his room.

If his heart hurts from hearing the rest of them laugh and joke for the next hour, that’s just a moment of weakness. And he can’t be weak.

Over the course of the next couple days, Zuko has been dancing around the rest of the group, only joining them enough that he doesn’t look suspicious. He knows that Katara still doesn’t trust him and he feels her malicious stare at the back of his head every meal and at night when he is sleeping.

It’s starting to make him antsy and making him keep his guard up. It’s now been a week since he last slept and it’s making him more and more on edge.

To let some of his steam out, he now leaves the group at night to go train until his legs shake and can barely hold him up. He’s beginning to run on fumes, but he has some energy from eating every meal for the sake of the group not questioning him.

It’s another late night training, when he makes one wrong move when he senses someone watching him, and trips.

He hears a feminine voice laugh at him and he recognizes it as Katara. He hates that a flash of fear washes over him.

“So much for a master firebender,” Katara sneers before continuing, “Why do you sneak off at night anyway? If I didn’t know any better, I would think you were betraying us… you aren’t are you?” She questions innocently, but he can hear the distrust behind her words.

“Is that what you really think of me?” Zuko doesn’t blame her, he has done nothing to warrant her trust other than save her dad. But, he understands the belief that everyone has a hidden agenda.

Katara moves a bit closer and Zuko takes one back subconsciously.

“Yes I do, you’re nothing but a spoiled prince who has to have everything in life. You are a despicable human being who cares about no one but yourself, why should we trust you?”

At this point, Katara has cornered him and can see the cold sweat at his temples, the dark circles that surround his sunken eyes, and can see how his body trembles from exhaustion.

“You don’t know a single thing about me or what I have, you need to get off your high horse,” Zuko snaps back and goes to push past her when his knees buckle.

Katara moves to grab him but he shoves her hands away, swaying as he makes his way back to his cot.

If she watches him closer tomorrow for signs of sickness, no-one needs to know.

The next time Katara feels out of her depth with Zuko is after he saves her from Azula’s lightning.

It’s after the battle and after haphazardly patching him up, and once she has joined up with the rest of the group, she works on completely healing him.

The gang's all near Zuko and her and they all see scars upon scars appear as she strips him to check for injuries. They see the bright red handprint on his neck, matching the one on his eye, and they see 3 other hidden hand prints burnt into his skin that all match. They see small burns that have to be self inflicted and they see countless scars that look like they come from an outside source.

Toph can’t help but gag, Sokka actually throws up, Aang is crying and Suki has wrapped him in a hug. Katara has to fight back tears as she heals all she can. Her and the rest of the group need to know what happened to Zuko.

Later on that night, once they had all gone to sleep, Aang woke them all up, speaking nonsense about being able to see Zuko’s memories. Katara thinks it has something to do with his avatar state but she has no clue.

The group huddles together, desperate to know what actually happened to the burnt prince before them. They are huddled into his memories.

The first scene they see takes them to a royal hall, where Firelord Azulon, Ozai, a black haired woman, Azula, and young Zuko. They watch as Azula performs perfect firebending, they watch as Zuko tries and fails, tripping on a high kick. He looks so heartbroken. The dark haired woman reaches over to comfort him, a motherly glint in her eyes, but Ozai smacks her hand away. He instead leans in to whisper in Zuko's ear, but loud enough for Azula to hear, “Azula was born lucky, you are lucky to be born, don’t you forget that,” he hisses.

The second scene is a lot happier. It stars Zuko and an older boy, they are playing with fake swords in a field, a small hut in the back. The older boy lets Zuko win, smiling infectiously when Zuko giggles and tackles him. They end up laying in the grass, the unnamed boy hugging the young prince. “Remember days like this when I am off in the war, little cousin, and I will always be with you,” the boy whispers, sadness in his eyes.

The scene morphs into Zuko sitting in front of a pond with the black haired woman, who the gang suspects to be his mom. They watch as they huddle together to feed the little turtle-ducks and watch as the mom turns to Zuko, “You have a kindness in your heart, no matter what happens, don’t ever lose that,” she says and leans in to kiss his forehead. The group watches as Zuko’s heart becomes chipped when his mother leaves and doesn’t come back.

The fourth scene horrifies them, they watch as Zuko trains every single day and gets beat every night until the day he collapses. They see Ozai stalk forward and kick him hard in the ribs. They see Zuko get up and continue training and collapsing every day.

The worst scene Katara has seen yet has to be the period that Ozai starved his son. Tears fall as Zuko gets weaker and weaker. She sees him struggle every day to firebend so he can eat, until the point where he can’t get out of bed. She feels sick when she can see every single rib and when there is no fat left on him. He looks like a skeleton.

Sokka feels physically weak as he watches this prince - child his brain supplies - try so hard for praise and accidentally burns his prodigy sister. He sees the moment where Zuko accepts the burnt neck as a proper punishment, as if it was a common occurrence, which Sokka now knows it is.

The group watches Ozai burn his son's face off, watch Zuko cry and refuse to eat or sleep. They see when Zuko begins to burn himself when there is no one else there to do it. Toph feels her heart hurt from seeing Zuko hurt so much that he has resorted to burning himself for some relief, just because Ozai made him believe he was made to be hurt constantly. It isn’t right.

Aang breaks down into sobs when he watches Zuko inch closer day by day to the edge of the ship until the point where he tries to kill himself. He doesn’t understand how someone can be trained to feel that horrible about themselves - how Ozai can damage his son to the point where his only relief would be death.

Suki has a pit in her stomach as she watches Zuko deprive himself of sleep, how he goes until his legs give out or he gets lightheaded. She sees him and Katara argue and the prince’s legs buckling, she sees how even then, he doesn’t sleep that night. She feels sick. Lack of sleep was a form of torture, he is torturing himself.

Once the memories end, the gang vows to be there for Zuko in every single way, a promise bound with tears.

Zuko feels weak standing in front of his uncle, seeing him for the first time since he betrayed him. He can’t help but expect to be smacked or burnt for his betrayal. His mouth feels dry and his hands clammy when he apologizes.

Traitorous tears fall from his eyes and he is stunned into silence when Iroh grabs him and pulls him in for a hug.

He feels his heart swell when his uncle utters the words he has been desperate for: “I was never angry with you, I was sad that you had lost your way, but you have found your way here and I am so happy,”

Zuko is a lot of things, but he has always had a kind heart, one that he inherited from his mother.

He cries holding the man who has been nothing but fatherly to him and for once, doesn’t view it as a weakness.