Chapter Text
A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, April 18th, is the day he will receive BIG NEWS. Though it was 14 years and 5 days ago he was given life, and 11 years ago he was given a comic, it is only today he will be the awkward introduction to this slice of life fanfiction!
⇒ ENTER NAME
… Zoosmell Poo-
NO. TRY AGAIN.
⇒ ENTER NAME
John Egbert.
He will be JOHN EGBERT henceforth.
⇒ STOP TRYING TO IMITATE THE COMIC BECAUSE YOU CAN’T WRITE AND JUST START THE STORY
Your name is John Egbert, and you are currently hiding away in your room from your dad. Hiding not from danger, but from the fact that he has just dumped two major life changes on you with no warning. You are, understandably, very distressed.
⇒ GIVE CONTEXT
When you were 8 years old, your father bought a family computer, with heavy parental locks. You were able to access kid locked google, webkins, netflix Kids!, and neopets. WIth the power of being a gullible kid, you made plenty of internet friends on neopets. Though many simply logged off one day, disappearing into the ether of the internet beyond the watching eye of your fathers locks, you were able to stay in contact with three of them, all around your age. You had traded emails when the site became babyish, and were thrilled to learn you had somehow managed to befriend kids in a neighboring city through the power of wifi. What a device.
Your town could be considered pretty diverse, all things considered. You even had troll neighborhoods. You’d never seen one active, of course, as they didn’t tend to wake up until at least 7pm, but you’d seen trolls in ads on billboards, which was more than most places could say.
When you were 10, your father took you to a starbucks to meet your earliest friend, ROSE LALONDE. She had given you her mother's phone number, and with extensive discussion between your dad and her mom, interrogating each other to make sure neither were pedophiles pulling a ruse, you got to meet up! They sat at a separate table, talking about whatever adults talked about, while Rose showed off a file full of various scribbles, and you showed off your awesome card tricks. After a few various meetups, at parks and malls and such, you had gotten the chance to hang out at her house.
It was monstrous, with statues and strange bottles and an intimidatingly big lawn. Rose’s room fit right in, a clashing combination of decapitated dolls and books with prints so fine you had to squint. You had hung out for hours, with Dad somewhere in the house with Rose’s mom. Rose had a sister, apparently, but she was in middle school, and considered herself too cool for her kid sister. That’s what Rose said, anyways. Roxy had actually seemed really sweet, when she crawled through the window. She stole an orange juice from the minifridge (ROSE HAD A FUCKING M I N I F R I D G E), ruffled your hair while asking if the two of you were in love, before slipping out of the room with a cackle. She was like a tornado. A very pretty tornado.
You had exactly 3 sleepovers with Rose before meeting DAVE STRIDER. He was the coolest guy you knew. Your dad took you and Rose to the park in the troll neighborhood, right by his apartment complex, so he could walk to see you guys. His Bro rode a bike to work, and he worked night shifts, so it was a lot easier.
Bro was cool. Dave had explained that he was his guardian, even though he was only like, 20. You really didn't get it, but you didn't want to be rude, so you asked Rose after Dave had gone home. You were walking back to Dad’s car, because the sun was about to set and this felt like a weird time to meet your first troll ever.
Rose told you that when parents were bad at being parents, the government would take their kids, and give them to a different family. That was what happened with Dave and his brothers, but Bro, the oldest, had just gotten emancipated. You didn’t know what that meant, but went along with it anyway. A year ago, Bro had gotten enough money that he could take care of Dave and his brother instead of the random family. You didn’t really understand what made a parent bad enough that they didn’t get to be a parent anymore, but you rolled with it.
You visited his apartment once, and you had the best sleepover you’ve ever had. Bro let you have juice at night, and you got to hang out on a roof! He had swords, but they were display only, hung up on the highest parts of the wall. He did let you smack each other with the foam ones though. You slept in Dave’s little room, Rose on the bed with you and Dave on the floor. When you woke up and got a glass of water from the kitchen, there were 2 shadows on the futon instead of one. They were playing some weird glitchy game, whispering between each other before you tripped on the stepping stool by the sink. They both looked back in unison, before the smaller bro walked into the kitchen with you. He was scary, but you don’t think he meant to be. When Dave didn’t make facial expressions, it was Dave being cool and casual. But this guy just seemed like a robot. BUt he didn’t do anything weird, just getting you a cup from the cabinet above you and handing it to you. His mouth ticked up the tiniest bit, and he walked back to sit on the futon with Bro. It took you like 15 minutes to remember Dave had 2 bros. He had looked eerie in the kitchen, with the dull light of the TV painting shadows on his face. But you were 10, and 10 year olds were easy to scare.
You wondered why Dad didn’t hangout with Bro like he did with Mom, but it wasn’t a super big deal. You forgot stuff a lot.
After meeting JADE HARLEY at a fancy ice cream store in the rich part of town, her grandpa had invited you and your parents back to their home.
Jade had the coolest house you’d ever seen. You didn’t actually know what to call it. It was in a building, like an apartment, but huge, with two floors just for them and big windows from floor to ceiling on the top floor. She lived on the highest level of the building, with her grandparents and her uncle. She said he was her uncle, but he was still a kid. It kind of confused you, because all the uncles you knew were adults, but he said words in a silly way and loaned you guys nerf guns, so the uncle dilemma was quickly resolved by you forgetting to give a shit.
Her grandpa was huge, with barrel arms and a scratchy face. He let you swing on his arms, and told stories of being in the amazon, wherever that was. He was your favorite person for 2 whole months, with his weird words and cracked glasses. The dead animals freaked you out, but Dave talked about them for days after visiting.
Apparently her grandma lived there too, but she still travelled, doing animal documentaries or something. She didn’t explain.
You wondered if she’d gotten taken away from her parents, like Dave, but it felt weird to ask. It probably sucked to have parents like that. You were glad you had both your parents. It sucked that mom lived a few states away, but you still got to see her every other holiday, and she would come visit on your birthday. Dad always made sure you knew that they both still loved you.
Rose and Jade actually lived close enough to go to the same middle school together, which was cool for them. You didn’t have a lot of friends at school, but when you got a phone, you felt a lot less alone.
Dave would text you at lunch to laugh about the rats in the ceiling of his school, Rose would call you when she was on the bus, Jade would visit you on the weekends. She always had some random guy driving her, but he was nice, so you didn’t ask questions.
Rose was over the most often though, always with her mom. It was nice that Dad had friends. Until now.
⇒ FINISH THE EXPOSITION
Your name is John Egbert, and you will be moving into the town all of your online friends live in. This would be awesome, if not for the fact that you are moving in with one of your friends.
⇒ WHICH FRIEND?
Why, you may ask? Oh, shit. Well it’s Rose.
⇒ WHY?
Because your dad is getting married. To her mom. After keeping the fact that they were dating secret for three years.
⇒ BUT THIS IS GOOD NEWS. DO NOT BE RUDE. YOUR DAD HAS FOUND LOVE
Yes, dad is happy, and you get to be in the same town as your online friends. But he still lied.
Your name is John Egbert, and you are going to flip your monumental shit if one more thing in your life changes.