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I hate to ask this but… can you please come?
How could Leon have said no to that? How could he have said no to someone sounding this sad and desperate? How could he have said no to Sasha?
Only on the flight over had he realized why he needed to come.
It had been three years since the civil war had ended. Three years since Leon had had to shoot JD shortly after he turned, and three years since they had first met. To think that he’d fly over on a whim to support the person who had held a knife to his throat during their first meeting… Funny how things turned out.
But he realized that Sasha did not associate this date with something positive - how could he? His whole life had been destroyed during that war, it’s why he had decided to join the fight, why he had been so consumed with hatred that he injected himself with the master plaga. And in the end, he had even lost his best friend. Meeting and befriending Leon hardly made up for that.
He had lost a man who had only joined the fight so he could spend time with his friend, to help and protect him. Leon could only imagine too well how heavily this must weigh on Sasha’s conscience. He could have told JD to run, to hide, but instead he dragged him down with him. While Sasha would not have cared if he lived or died, in the end it was his best friend to die for the cause.
Leon was at least thankful that he had called him, had asked for help while he was vulnerable. He didn’t know if he himself would have been capable of that. He tended to shut himself away, though he knew it wasn’t the healthiest way to deal with difficult things.
Sasha had once told him that after he had left things had been difficult for him. He wondered now how exactly he had dealt… and still felt guilty that he hadn’t stayed. Looking back, it had been a silly thing to do, but he was inexperienced with these things, had thought that everything would go back to normal if he just stayed away. For a little while now he had been flying over regularly - he had the money, that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that he always had to leave.
But staying for a friend was ridiculous.
He still had his job.
Still… if Sasha hadn’t been as strong as he was, he might not be here today. The thought kept creeping up on Leon every once in a while, and it made him panic every time. He should not have left like that, he should have made sure Sasha went to a therapist, got a job, got better, got his life together. His mother wasn’t able to support him, not much anyway, Leon would have been the only person to be able to help. And he didn’t.
Sometimes he wondered how Sasha had ever been able to let him back into his life.
He was brave, gentle, and kind - a better person than Leon ever could be. He had been surprised that Sasha could be this way, but war did terrible things to people. Leon wondered what he had been like before. Had he laughed more? Been playful? Leon would never know, could only cherish the moments when Sasha shared that beautiful laugh with him.
By now he was capable of roughly communicating to the cab driver where he wanted to go, after all there was no need for Sasha to go all the way to the airport every time. Sometimes Leon came spontaneously and didn’t have time to warn him anyway. There was a key hidden under the doormat for that very reason, though Leon insisted they should find a better hiding place for it. Sasha, in turn, had argued that even if someone were to find it, he had nothing to steal, and if he were still in the apartment, he would give that person one hell of a welcome. Leon didn’t doubt he was capable of that for one second.
There was no answer when Leon rang the doorbell, no reaction to his knocking, so he let himself in. The apartment was lit however, and he found Sasha in the kitchen, staring at a bottle of rum on the counter. Leon waited in the doorway, not sure about the best course of action. He wasn’t even sure the other man had realized he was there.
“Hey, Sasha…”, he said quietly. “I’m here.”
Quiet. He didn’t move, didn’t say anything for a while, only stared at the bottle of alcohol as if it had personally offended him.
“I have not abused alcohol for years.” Sasha talked like Leon had just come home, or had returned from another room. There was such a familiarity in the way he spoke. “I am afraid if I open this I will not stop until it is gone.”
Leon took that as his cue to come closer now, to kneel between Sasha and the counter, forcing the other man to look at him. He gently took his hands in his own.
“How about we don’t, then?”, he asked, smiling in what he hoped was a reassuring way. He was worried, so worried, the urge to take that bottle and throw it far, far away strong within him. “Let me put this away, and we do something else. We could go out, or watch a movie here, whatever you like.”
Finally Sasha’s eyes focused on him, and he returned Leon’s smile. He still had to get used to the casual way Sasha just leaned down to kiss him, but it made his heart skip a beat every time. Some part of him hoped he would never get used to it, would always have these sparks run through him with each soft touch of lips on his.
“I am glad you came, thank you”, Sasha mumbled against him. His arms had found their way around the back of Leon’s neck, not letting him move away. Not that he’d ever want to.
“Well what use would I be if I couldn’t be there when you need me?”
“No use at all, really.”
They chuckled against each other before Sasha finally released him. Leon stretched as he got up, took the bottle of rum and placed it on the highest shelf he could find. No way would he let Sasha touch a drop of that today.
“You know I have a thing to reach that, right?”, Sasha asked as he crossed his arms.
“Then I’ll go and hide that too. Or distract you enough that you won’t even think about it.”
“I like the sound of that”, Sasha seemed relieved, some of the tension had left his body as he gently smiled at Leon. “Are you… tired?”
“No, why?”, he adjusted his shirt that had ridden up a little. “Did you have something planned?”
“Yes I…”, the other man avoided his gaze, looking instead at his own knees. “I wanted to visit Irina and JD.”
“Then what are we waiting for?”
The walk to the graveyard would take them a while, but Sasha insisted they didn’t take a cab, it seemed to be part of his routine to walk there, to enjoy the calm it brought with it. They were able to stop by a flower shop on their way too, where Sasha got two bouquets. Yellow chrysanths and purple sweet peas. Leon vaguely knew that flowers could hold meaning, but had no knowledge whatsoever about what these could mean. If they meant anything. Sasha didn’t seem the type to know about it either.
“Could you push me?”, Sasha asked as they exited the shop. “I feel a little… weak today.”
Leon hesitated. Sasha never asked to be pushed. He sometimes tolerated it when Leon insisted, or they were wrapped up in a conversation and he didn’t notice, but this… this was a first. He didn’t quite know how to interpret this yet, but Sasha was showing weakness in front of him, and he would never deny him help.
“Of course.” He found his hand almost moving on its own, brushing his thumb over Sasha’s cheek - an intimate touch he normally would not bring himself to do out in public. But the other man leaned into the touch and so he let his hand rest for a few moments on his cheek. Sasha’s eyes had fluttered closed as they shared this small touch. For a moment the city’s noise was dampened, the rush of the cars behind them almost inaudible. Leon could feel the warmth of that tiny bit of contact rush through him, expelling the cold wind that seemed to find its way through his jacket.
Until Sasha turned, pressed a small kiss to the palm of his hand, and the spell was broken.
“We should go”, he said, and Leon started to push him towards the graveyard, following the other man’s instructions as he went. It had been built on a small hill, and so it was a little away from the bustle of the city. It seemed that as soon as they entered through its stone arch all sound seemed further away, almost like it had done when they touched.
The usual sense of dread Leon felt when entering a graveyard did not creep up on him here. He felt calm, could actually enjoy the quiet for once. He had no idea why, it was still a graveyard after all. Perhaps it was simply the company.
They only passed one other person as they made their way through the winding paths, through rows of gravestones, until they finally stopped at the end of one such row. The one to the left had an intricate flower engraved on it, on the one to their right Leon could make out the letters “JD”. So this was it, then. He briefly wondered if there had been anything left of them to bury. Most likely it was just the stone here, so it could be a place for people to mourn.
Sasha wheeled himself forward a little, so he could reach down and place the chrysanths on JD’s, the sweet peas on Irina’s grave before he settled back in his chair. It seemed like he was watching the stones, but Leon could tell that he didn’t really see them, that he was lost in his own world right now.
He let his hand rest on Sasha’s shoulder, squeezed it gently to show his silent support, to show that he was still here, offering whatever he could. Slowly but surely Sasha’s hand found his, and they stood there like this for a while.
As the wind ruffled through his hair, Leon thought that all things considered, it was a beautiful spot. It was sheltered, but still had a view over the city. Leon hoped that once it was time for him, he might end up in a place like this too.
“He never even got to see America”, Sasha suddenly said, dragging Leon away from whatever thoughts had occupied him. “He pretended to hate it, but it was all an act. He would have loved to go. If only I hadn’t-”
Leon was about to protest but Sasha had stopped himself mid-sentence. How could he tell him it wasn’t his fault when that wasn’t the complete truth? JD would have done anything for him, and he had used that to his advantage. It was something he had to come to terms with himself.
“He was so obsessed with everything American”, Sasha continued a moment later, after clearing his throat and finding his voice again. Leon was now standing by his side, looking down at the other man and saw the faint smile there. “Even when we were growing up. He saw this movie and… of course we did not understand it back then. There were no subtitles, and we had to buy it from this guy who knew a guy - none of it legal. He saw this one person keep calling his best friend ‘buddy’, he thought it was a name, and he loved these characters so much he started to call me that. Of course we eventually found out that it wasn’t a name but that did not stop him. By then I had gotten used to it too.”
“It was something just between the two of you? I did think it was a little… odd.”
Sasha huffed, amused, but now he finally looked up at Leon, focusing his vision.
“Yes. Only JD called me that… and I kind of liked that he did. Not even Irina was… ‘allowed’”, he said. He was still holding Leon’s hand, a little tighter than before it seemed. “Sometimes I wonder…”
“About what?” Leon asked when Sasha just trailed off.
“If...I should have gotten engaged to her. Not that it matters now…”, he hesitated for a moment, looked back at Irina’s grave. “I did love her, but lately I have been thinking, that it might not have been that particular kind of love. I… She’s gone… I am a terrible person for saying this.”
“No you’re not”, Leon knelt in front of Sasha again, drawing his attention away from the grave stone. “It’s the way you feel, there’s nothing wrong with that. You still cared for her. For both of them. Honour them by being truthful.”
The pain in Sasha’s eyes did not leave them, not even when he started to smile, and let his hand rest on Leon’s cheek.
“I’m so glad you are here”, he said. His smile still did not falter, though tears started to form in his eyes. Leon couldn’t stand this anymore, he leaned in to wrap his arms around the other man. He held him tightly, felt Sasha’s arms grip the back of his jacket desperately as he gasped, trying to hold back the tears.
“It’s okay”, Leon mumbled, though both of them knew it was not. Wounds like these would never fully heal, all they could do was learn to live with them, and to support each other. “It’s okay Sasha, I’m here, I’m here…”
The way Sasha clung to him almost broke his heart. He wished there was more that he could do, he felt helpless, useless. What must it have been like for him to feel this way without anyone there to support him? He had made friends with his new job, sure, but Leon doubted he would let them close enough for something like this. The way Sasha’s hands tore at his jacket made him think that he had no one but himself to deal with this.
“I’ll stay as long as you need me”, Leon said. He had time to make up for after all.
“Careful what you promise”, Sasha said, chuckling quietly against Leon’s shoulder. His grip relaxed a little. “I might not let you leave.”
“The president is just going to have to deal without me then.” They both know he was joking, but there was a tiny part of him, deep down, that wished it could be true. That he could just leave everything behind and stay. Be a normal person and forget about all of the terrible things he had seen.
But he felt responsible to keep fighting, and he knew it would just stay a dream.
“Wait…”, Sasha leaned back to frown at him, and he resented the loss of heat. But there would be more of it later. “The president?”
“Yeah I kind of directly report to him. Have I not mentioned that?”
“No…” He looked him up and down for a second, as if he were adjusting the impression he had of Leon. “And you can just leave like this?”
“I do have a lot of freedom but… If an assignment were to come in, I would have to leave immediately.” Leon prayed that it wouldn’t, that he could stay here for a little while longer. He didn’t want to leave Sasha alone like this.
“I understand. Does this mean I have to hide illegal substances from you?” Sasha was smirking now. That was good, and made Leon smile in return. If there was one thing he was good at, it was distracting people.
“Do you have illegal substances?”, he asked. “But don’t worry, I don’t really have jurisdiction here.”
“Phew”, Sasha made an exaggerated gesture of relief. “I mean not that I have any. Of course.”
“I’m on to you, Kozachenko.” Leon made a point of squinting his eyes before he leaned in for a kiss. But he suddenly remembered where they were and abruptly stopped his movements. He didn’t know if Sasha would be okay with this, if he thought it rude in front of his fiancé’s grave… it did seem distasteful. “Sorry I…”
“Let’s go home and warm up a little. I will see you both soon”, Sasha addressed the gravestones with the last sentence before Leon took his place behind the wheelchair once more.
During the walk home Sasha regaled him with little anecdotes, funny stories involving JD and Irina. He had a lot of those, growing up together had been filled with adventure for the three of them, and they had been inseparable. Even after Sasha and Irina had gotten together. Leon realized then what had turned the other man to become such a ruthless fighter, and how much was missing from his life with his two best friends gone. He didn’t want to imagine what it would be like if Chris was suddenly gone…
The last bit of their walk they rushed, the wind had picked up and was freezing them to their bones. Once inside Leon immediately worked on setting up a fire, while Sasha arranged some pillows and blankets in front of the fireplace.
“Are you trying to seduce me?”, Leon smirked down at Sasha, who had lain down on the blankets parallel to the fireplace. He had taken off his sweater, which now lay discarded behind the pile of pillows, and now Leon could see that he was wearing suspenders underneath it, along with a simple white shirt. He had to swallow. Apparently suspenders were a thing for him.
“Well… is it working?”
Leon shrugged out of his jacket, let it drop down behind him, and sat down in front of Sasha, letting the fire warm his back. It was the only source of light in the room at the moment, the soft glow made it feel intimate.
He hooked a finger behind the left suspender, let it wander from the shoulder down, brushed over the clasp with which it was attached to Sasha’s pants, but didn’t open it yet.
“Yes”, he breathed. By god the effect that man had on him…
Leon knew full well he was blushing again, though he could always say it was the fire so close to him. Not that he cared. Not when he was slowly unbuttoning Sasha’s shirt, pulled it out of his pants and helped him slip out of it - still leaving the suspenders.
“So you like these, huh?”
He could only nod in reply, was too content just staring.
“Do you… still have that camera?”, he asked and he could feel his ears turn red. But if Sasha allowed him this, well… he would certainly have use for that picture during those times he wasn’t able to come over here.
“Cupboard behind me”, Sasha said and Leon scrambled to get it. When he returned to his position in front of him, all of his blood seemed to rush downwards. At least he wouldn’t blush anymore.
Sasha had undone the buttons of his pants, showing just enough for Leon to see that he was already growing hard.
“Go ahead”, he said, smirking up at Leon.
Fuck that’s hot
Leon’s hands were shaking as he took the picture, and he hoped it wouldn’t turn out too blurry, but then he did have a very active imagination.
He put the camera down on the coffee table to their left along with the polaroid picture that hadn’t quite developed yet. Sasha pushed himself up, let one hand rest against the floor to steady himself as he used the other to pull Leon closer by his neck.
“Remember this night when you look at that picture.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leon was spent.
Completely and utterly spent. It was the greatest feeling in the world.
The fire had dimmed down a little, but still gave off a pleasant warmth. Not that they needed it after what they had just done. He would definitely, one hundred percent remember this, even without the picture to remind him.
Sasha wrapped his arm around his waist and pressed a soft kiss to his shoulder. Why Leon was usually the one to end up in the other man’s arms, he didn’t know, but he also didn’t mind. Quite the contrary. Had he not been thoroughly fucked out he might have thought that this had something to do with taking so much responsibility all the time, that this might be the few rare moments where he could be the one taken care of, but at the moment such thoughts were far from his mind. Leon only pressed his back against Sasha’s chest, the additional heat pleasant against his skin.
“This feels… different”, Sasha mumbled against his skin, the breath tickling Leon’s neck.
“Different how?” Leon was resting his head on Sasha’s arm, and he intertwined his fingers with the other man’s, gently playing with them.
“I just… “ Another kiss between Leon’s shoulderblades. A pleasant shudder ran down his spine at the touch. “I can’t quite place it. Sex with Irina was good but this… it’s different. Good different.”
“Maybe… you like guys more?”, Leon suggested. To him it had never really been an issue. He just liked… people. Individuals. Sasha had been the third person he had slept with, though it had never really bothered him. Only the loneliness had.
“Maybe…”, Sasha trailed off. It seemed like there was more he wanted to say, but Leon was too sleepy to really pick up on it. And too content. “I… is it not wrong for me to be with you… on this day? I-”
Leon felt Sasha press his forehead between his shoulderblades and breathe out sharply against his skin.
“Don’t feel guilty for living your life. They would want you to. If there’s one thing I know about JD, it’s that he would want you to be happy.” He hesitated for a moment as he felt Sasha’s grip on his waist tighten. “Does this… make you happy?”
Leon immediately regretted asking this. Sasha still felt guilty and they’d only been friends for a short while now. He wasn’t important enough to contribute to his happiness. The way Sasha stayed quiet for a while did not help ease his nervousness either.
“It does”, Sasha said, and Leon let out a sigh of relief. “It does feel like I have known you for years, though we have known each other for a short while, really.”
“Hm, well… Is there something you would like to know? That you don’t already.”
Of course they talked. A lot. But there were certain things, everyday things about the other person that you only found out about after a certain time. Things mentioned on the side, things you observed - which was hard when you had a long distance friendship.
“What is…your favourite colour?”, Sasha asked and Leon had to chuckle. Not quite what he had expected.
“Blue. You?”
“Hmm, really? I never see you wear blue. I’d say red”, he added.
“Yeah cause those things are totally related”, Leon lightly nudged Sasha’s ribs. This, just being together, talking, was his favourite part. He tried not to think about the fact that he had to leave again soon. “Favourite food?”
“Fair point. Definitely pomegranate.”
“But they’re so hard to eat. I had to throw away a shirt because I couldn’t get the stain out.” He huffed to emphasize his displeasure. It had been a nice shirt, too.
“Hm, I’m sure you did it wrong”, Sasha chuckled as Leon nudged him again. “But the effort kind of makes it all the sweeter in the end.”
“I didn’t know you could be so poetic.”
“Just wait until you hear my sonnet about your ass.”
“Oh my god”, Leon groaned, hiding his face behind his hands. As they were still intertwined with Sasha’s, he hid behind them too. “Please tell me that’s not a thing you did.”
“I can neither confirm or deny.” The cocky smile Sasha was surely smiling right now was almost audible in his voice. “You never told me your favourite food.”
“Okay don’t hate me… It’s not a fancy dish, or very healthy. But man I just love pizza”, he sighed, thinking about his favourite pizza place back in Washington. Eastern Slav really needed to step up its pizza game. “But I mean, it’s got cheese and meats and you can eat it hot or cold, it has such a variety, you can get it almost everywhere - we need to get some by the way - you don’t even need cutlery or anything to eat it, it’s so simple but so great. I really need to take you to this place, it’s not far from my apartment but you just have to taste their pizza I swear it’s better-”
“Leon”, Sasha interrupted his rambling. He turned his head and was met with a gentle smile. “You are rambling. About pizza.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be. I like it when you ramble.” To emphasize his point he leaned in for a kiss, short stubble tickling Leon’s chin. But he liked that sensation, couldn’t get enough of it.
“Well then”, he said once they had pulled away and he was once more resting on the other man’s arm. “Let me tell you my favourite kinds of pizza…”
They kept talking like this until the early morning hour, about unimportant things, about meaningful things, about the world, until they both were too tired to keep a train of thought for very long. When he felt Sasha’s breathing turn to the regular rhythm of deep sleep he reached for one of the blankets around them, draped it over both of them. The fire was now only a soft glow as Leon closed his eyes too, falling into a dreamless sleep - the kind he liked most.