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the moments i play in the dark

Summary:

Ben and Devi never confronted what occurred in Malibu.

What happens when five years later, after not speaking throughout half of high school and all of university, they are thrown together once again?

A.K.A., aged up Devi and Ben haven't changed at all or dealt with their unresolved issues, but also a whole lot of Fabiola and Eleanor because I love their friendship and want them all to have super fulfilled lives okay????

Notes:

I have so many thoughts after finishing the first season of this show. This is how I am dealing with all that angst.

Also, I have read far too many Devi/Ben fics and I need help!!! So much unresolved tension!!! My heart can't handle this.

Chapter 1: Prologue: always keep your heart locked tight

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Devi opens the door to her bedroom, and Fabiola and Eleanor come barreling in after, holding a tub of ice cream and some spoons. Devi tried to quiet them down, half-heartedly, while they all collapse into a heap on her bedroom floor. She doesn’t want to get in trouble with her mother, but she’s also sleep deprived and a bit too drunk to care.

The buzz from the evening is starting to wear off, but they’re all still dressed in their prom dresses and not very eager to let the magic fade away just yet. So, they decided to come back to Devi’s place to crash for the night, their overnight bags already tucked safely in the corner, and gorge themselves with ice cream.

“Guys,” Devi says, her mouth full of ice cream, “I just want to say… Prom sucks, what the heck was that?”

Eleanor melts into a puddle of giggles, waving her spoon in the air to show comradery. Fabiola uses the opportunity to grab a bite of ice cream.

“Yea, what’s up with that?” Eleanor chimes in. “All the movies make it look like the biggest night of your life, but there was barely any décor, even. I wanted to be transported to Paris, not the high school cafeteria.”

“And what were with all the slow songs? Like, how many of our peers actually came with dates to the prom,” Devi continues.

“I mean, except you Fab,” Eleanor chimes in.

“Oh, yea, of course, but that’s different. Her and Eve are actually in a relationship.”

“Were,” Fabiola says softly, mouth full of ice cream.

Eleanor and Devi freeze, and stare at Fabiola.

“Were?” Eleanor says softly, trying to gage Fab’s reaction.

Fabiola takes another bite of ice cream. “Since, uh, she decided she was going to go to Berkeley, and we, um, finally discussed what that meant for us. We thought it would be the most mutually beneficial to end things now, since I will be at MIT. A very logical decision, really.” Fabiola’s eyes start to fill with tears.

“Oh Fab,” Eleanor gasps, before jumping on her and giving her a huge hug. Devi follows suit, wrapping her two friends in her arms, while Fabiola lets the ears slide down her face.

“Fab, I’m so sorry,” Devi chimes in, trying to support her friend, but not being sure how.

Fab takes a deep breath and then sits up, wiping the tears off her cheeks. “Really, it’s alright. It was a mutually beneficial situation. I will always relish the time we spent together but we need to do what makes the most sense for the both of us. So, I’m alright, truly.”

“Well, you’re much stronger than I,” Eleanor says dramatically, collapsing onto the floor. “I was in my room for a week when Oliver and I broke up in sophomore year. And we dated for like, a month, tops.”

“I do remember that,” Fab says with a bit of a grin, “I had to restock your ice cream reserves a couple of times.”

“And so, I will do the same for you. Eat up.” Eleanor says as she tris to shove her spoon of ice cream in Fabiola’s mouth.

“I’ll be alright, honestly,” Fab says with a grin.

“Follow up question then,” Eleanor says, looking mainly at Devi, “Paxton. Can we talk about that? I can’t believe he came back for our prom. Your prom. That’s just rude.”

“I mean, he can do whatever he wants, I guess.,” Devi says, self-consciously.

“Sure, but it wasn’t even his prom! Like, have some class, right? Showing up at your ex-girlfriend’s prom night with some other girl you barely know? That’s tacky.”

“Um, sure,” Devi says, shoving a conspicuously large bite of ice cream in her mouth.

“Wait, it was tacky right? Do you know something, Devi?” Eleanor squeals, while Devi tries to quiet her down.

“I mean… He might have come, um, for me?”

Fabiola and Eleanor both audibly gasp, and shift themselves closer.

“I beg your pardon?” Eleanor says.

“Um, well, he pulled me aside at one point. When you were both MIA for a sec. Just wanted to talk, um, about the last year.”

“And, what did he say?” Fabiola counters, falling into the narrative.

“Just about how it was good we went our separate ways for, uh, his first year at college, but that he’s thinking about transferring to NYU.”

“That’s not very far from Princeton.”

“No, it’s not.” Devi agrees, picking at the melting ice cream tub with her spoon.

“And? What else?” Eleanor practically screams, before remembering the time.

“Just that he was wondering if, when I ever visit the city to visit you, Eleanor, if maybe we could catch up as well.”

Fabiola and Eleanor both gasp, in sync, and they all freeze. They burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the three of them are lying on the floor, the tub of ice cream empty and thrown aside. Fabiola, unexpectedly asks: “So, what did you say?”

It’s quiet. Devi eventually responds, “I said that it would be nice to catch up, definitely. I don’t think it really will go anywhere, but I like Paxton. I think we could be friends.”

“Well, that’s very mature, Devi.” Eleanor states. “Wait, does that mean I might have to see Paxton on the streets? I have to share my city with him?”

“Well,” Fab starts, “there are approximately 8 million other people in that you already have to share the city with, I don’t see the harm of one more.”

“That is so not the point.”

“You’ll be fine, Eleanor. Who knows? Maybe you two will become friends?” Devi suggests.

“Highly unlikely. I don’t associate myself with individuals who dump my best friends.”

“You can be friends with Eve, too, if you’d like,” Fab chimes in.

“What did I just say? No dumpers!”

“It was much more of a mutual agree-“

“None! No exes! A clean slate for us this year. We make a vow, right here, right now. As we move forward into this pivotal moment in our lives, we agree to always keep moving forward. Not to dwell on the past. We meet cute new beaus and belles and move forth with the university experiences of our dreams. Keeping each other updated on all new life updates, of course. Do we have an agreement?”

Fab and Devi roll their eyes, and put their outstretched hands on top of Eleanor’s hand in agreement.

“Well,” Devi begins, “if we’re turning over a clean slate in the fall, then I vote we spend tonight reminiscing. Like, about the time in fifth grade when Eleanor was trapped in that hole, for like, five hours.”

“That was traumatizing,” Eleanor squeals as she hits Devi with a pillow, causing Devi to break out into laughter.

“Well, we found you, didn’t we?” Devi defends.

“After five-“ another hit with the pillow, “hours!” And another. Devi is in stitches.

“Ooh, how about the time where Devi had a breakdown because Nick Jonas married a different Indian woman?” Fabiola chimes in.

“Now THAT was traumatizing! Can you believe it? How dare he!” Devi exclaims, still lying on the floor.

“Ooh I have one, I have one! How about the time where Fabiola shoved Devi into the pool.”

“How many times do I have to say that I didn’t shove her!” Fabiola shoves her face into the pillow that had been used to attack Devi.

“I dunno Fab, I remember being pushed,” Devi teases,

“You do not because I did not! Devi!!” Fabiola muffles the last word into the pillow again.

“It’s okay Fab, honest. I was being kind of bitchy anyway that, like, whole year. I would’ve deserved it.”

“Well, you lost your dad, Devi. And your legs didn’t work for three months. I feel like it’s fair to have an off-year.” Fab replies, her tone softening.

“Sure, but I didn’t need to be so cruel to both of you. You both had your own shit going on.”

“It’s all in the past anyway, right?” Eleanor says, grabbing both of her friends’ shoulders while she does. “Besides, if it hadn’t been for that year, we never would have heard the end of Bevigeddon.”

“What on earth is Bevigeddon?” Devi asks, suspiciously.

“Oh, you know,” Fab chimes in, “the lifelong feud you and Ben Gross have had since, like, I dunno, kindergarten?”

“What do you mean? We still compete over everything.”

“Oh, sure, but when you and Paxton got together, you mellowed out a bit with Ben. We all figured it was just because you were getting laid,” Eleanor says.

“You know Paxton and I never slept together.”

“Oh, you know what I mean. You got each other off. The tension was released,” Eleanor continues.

“Okay, we can shut up about my sex life now.” Devi shoves her face into another pillow she has grabbed off her bed.

“It’s a good thing, Devi. You didn’t fight as much in class anymore. Less detention, more time with your boyfriend. It’s not a bad thing.” Fab states, reasonably.

“But I didn’t mellow out with Ben! We still hate each other! Like, the race for valedictorian. That was such a huge thing, right?”

“I mean, not really. You got it. Ben didn’t. That’s the end of that. If this had been sophomore year, the whole school would’ve blown up in the fight. But this year…” Eleanor trails off.

“Ben didn’t fight,” Fab states, as though she’s cluing into a puzzle she only just solved.

“Yes, he did,” Devi states, annoyed.

“No, she right,” Eleanor says enthusiastically, “he didn’t! Benn Gross stopped fighting with you in junior year. Maybe even sophomore. Right around when you and Paxton got together.”

“No he didn’t… wait… did he?” Devi starts, confused.

“Maybe he matured past his over-competitive nature,” Fabiola suggests.

“Or maybe he realized he was never going to get in Devi’s pants,” Eleanor counters, a gleam in her eye.

“Eleanor!” Devi exclaims, looking incredulously at her best friend.

“I’m just saying! I think Ben totally had the hots for you. You two bickered, like, all the time. That was some serious sexual tension. He probably just finally realized you didn’t feel the same way when you and Paxton got together.”

“No way, that’s not it,” Devi says, assuredly.

“Eleanor has a point, Devi,” Fabiola states, “Ben is one of the smartest men in our year. I’m sure he can pick up on cause and effect. He saw his target beyond his reach, and gave up the fight.”

“But he wasn’t fighting for me, he was fighting for his grades! For Yale!”

“Oh, sure, but he has the grades. He’s going to Yale. He didn’t need to fight with you to get that,” Eleanor counters.

“Okay, fine then. How about his superiority complex?”

“He is very full of himself,” Fabiola agrees, considering this possibility.

“No way. Sure, he’s full of himself, but you’re the only one that pushes his buttons. Calls him out when he’s wrong. Come to think of it… You sort of stopped doing that as well.”

“Did not!”

“It didn’t stop entirely, but it was far less frequent,” Fab confirms.

“Well, fine, maybe I mellowed out and maybe he just matured. Can we agree on that?”

Eleanor and Fabiola exchange a glance, realizing this conversation is futile to continue.

“Sure, Devi, we can agree on that,” Eleanor pipes in.

“Amazing. Now, who wants to play smash or pass.”

 

FIVE YEARS LATER

Devi is running around the apartment, looking under cushions and some still full moving boxes.

“El, have you seen my keys?” she yells as she tears apart the room.

“Did you check under Fab’s enormous ass?” Eleanor yells back while applying her mascara in the bathroom.

“I heard that,” Fab groans from the couch, where the has undoubtedly spent the night, dressed in the same clothes as the day before. “But yea, I think I have them, Devi.”

“Amazing, you both are the best, thank yooooou!” Devi speaks quickly as she grabs the keys from Fabiola’s outstretched hand and runs to the toaster to grab her bagel. “Hey, El, good luck on that audition today.”

“It’s ‘break a leg’, Devi. It’s a common mistake but a bad omen if wished upon an actor” Fabiola says, waking herself from her sleep, trying to work out a kink in her neck.

“Sure, that then. And good luck to you Fab on… whatever you’re doing today.”

“Looking for apartments, probably,” Fabiola mutters, bleakly.

“Hey,” Eleanor chimes in, “You know you can crash with us for as long as you need. Honestly, I’ve barely seen Liza since Devi moved in. For all we know maybe she’s moving in with that beau of hers and you could steal her room.”

“You think?” Fab says, guarding her emotions and not letting them appear on her face.

“We can talk about it after my audition. And after Devi’s big first day! Break legs, Devi. They won’t know what hit em.”

“You know I never disappoint,” Devi says with a wink and a smile, sliding her mules on. “Ok bye Fab, bye El, bye Gears Brosnan the second.” She closes the door and runs down the hallway, concerned about being late for her first day, even though she’s on track to be about half an hour early.

She hopes on the subway and heads across the bridge – away from Brooklyn and into the heart of the financial district.

When she arrives for her first day at Sullivan & Cromwell LLP, she arrives with a smile on her face and a coffee in hand, only 20 minutes early. This is the perfect time to arrive for the first day in Devi’s estimation. She heads into the lobby and walks up to the security desk. She states her name and business, and the security guard waves her toward the elevators after finding her name on the list.

While the elevator springs up to the 37th floor, where her boss’s office is located. As an intern, she is then directed to the 10th floor by the receptionist, who mentions that her boss will be down to greet her and all of the other interns there. She hands Devi a name badge and security tag before sending her off.

On her way back down to the 10th floor, Devi is feeling an impending sense of unease, and can’t pinpoint where it’s coming from. She arrived exactly when she meant to, dressed to the nines in a hip yet professional outfit, with a coffee and a bagel already in her system. She should feel prepared and ready to dominate this new work environment, and yet, she can’t help but feel like something is off.

When she gets to the 10th floor, the elevator doors open, and all of her unease drops like a pit in her stomach. Standing there, talking with her new boss, wearing a name tag and security badge around his neck, is her high school nemesis Ben Gross.

Notes:

[title is from Supercut - Lorde// chapter title is from The Wire - HAIM]