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Simon and I are lying on our sofa, wrapped around each other, watching a film. It’s been a year and a half since America. And after all the years of living together, it still feels like we are learning new things about each other.
I feel Simon’s head droop down on my shoulders. He fell asleep even before Edward took Bella to his house. Of course, I’ve watched this film, even though I’ve never told that to Simon. In my defence, he never asked and he said to me that this film would be an excellent way to learn about vampires. I wanted to be patient until he saw it himself. And now he’s fallen asleep. I find myself smiling, it’s impossible not to smile when Simon is right here in my arms–his curls crushed against my chest and he’s snoring softly. I can feel him breathing against me.
These are the moments that make me feel alive. Like I'm the one that’s breathing. Simon makes me feel alive. Simon who forced me to watch this film, and now is fast asleep.
I could carry him to bed. I now know how to use my vampire strength to my advantage. But I like staying here like this. It feels like a normal couple thing to do. Without thinking about the baggage we carry. Just two people in love, living their lives. This is also the best way to tease Simon when he wakes up, for falling asleep midway. I reach for the remote behind him to switch off the television. Simon's tail tightens around my leg at my sudden movement. “I’m not going anywhere, love,” I tell him quietly. Simon’s tail is almost always on me, even when it’s invisible. It loops itself around my legs or arms. His tail is like fifth-year Simon. Trailing me everywhere I go, never leaving me alone. I hated that.
But this? This I love and cherish. It makes me happy, like Simon cannot spend a moment without me near him. I have come to accept that Simon loves me. That he’s in love with me as much as I am in love with him, even though he has never said it aloud to me. Simon shows that he loves me, every time I say it to him, Simon kisses me, and I know that he feels the same.
It took me a while to accept it. Simon Snow sees me for who I am and accepts me. He cares about me. I know it now. When Simon told me that he wanted to break up with me two years ago in America, it was only because he didn't want me to settle for less, because he is in love with me. Simon Snow is a moron. A half numpty himself.
We came around accepting the truth though it took us a while. We were in love with each other despite everything. Everything includes Simon accepting that I always dress over the top (like he says) and me accepting that Simon will never truly let go of his jeans and white t-shirt (he does wear my football jersey I left behind when we were living apart).
We have been learning new things about ourselves as much as we have been learning about each other. For instance, I've come to accept that I’ve spent most of my life being lonely. Something I didn't realise until Simon showed me. I was alone. With everything. A gay vampire son my father never wants. Fiona loves me, but she's too busy handling her loss to be there for me. I know Daphne cares, but she isn't my mother, and though I appreciate her efforts, I cannot give anything back or even take it.
Simon Snow shows me what love is, how it feels to be loved. He is currently still lying in my arms, snoring deeply with his mouth open (mouth breather) and is starting to drool a bit. This makes me giggle. Simon Snow. I push his curls back and press a kiss to his forehead, and he stirs a bit with a smile on his lips, Simon is a very light sleeper, the reason being that he was always on guard when he was The Chosen One. I’ve been trying to change that.
“Give a man some privacy, Pitch,” he mutters, wiping his mouth with his shirt sleeves (like I said–a numpty).
I raise my eyebrows, “Privacy? You’re sleeping in my arms, Snow,” I remind him.
“Yeah, fitfully,” he says rolling his eyes.
He gave up trying to lift his eyebrows after Fiona magicked both his eyebrows up after he tried to lift his eyebrows at her once. (She actually tricked him into promising to teach him how to do it). It was hilarious to watch Simon being all grumpy until I fixed it for him.
Now I push him away, “you can sleep somewhere comfortable if my arms are not upto your satisfaction, Snow.”
“Baz!” Simon shouts, his sleepy state making him a bit clumsy, as he clutches onto my sleeves and falls down from the sofa and right on his ass. I could’ve caught him but he deserves this. I try not to laugh at the look of betrayal in his eyes.
“You pushed me off the sofa!!” Simon exclaims like he cannot trust this happened.
“Snow, that wasn't my intention,” I tell him as calmly as I can while trying to keep a straight face. Breaking down your walls to someone also means to show them what you feel and it’s been getting harder to keep a straight face around Simon.
“That’s what you said about the stairs!” he shouts.
It’s my turn to roll my eyes, “We will never truly be over this, will we? It wasn't my intention then either, Snow,” I tell him as patiently as I can manage, “will you please let that go?”
He snorts and pretends to think for a while, “I will, Baz, but on one condition.”
“Which is?”
“Take me with you tonight when you go hunting,” he says it like he has been planning this for a while. I’m taken aback by this.
“Did you finally lose your nuts, Snow? Or did you hurt your head when you fell down?” Now I’m concerned that he suffered a concussion.
He shakes his head, smiling, “Just take me with you when you go hunting tonight, Baz.”
I take his face in my hands and lean down, kissing the mole on his right cheek, and muttering against his lips, “Simon, you've almost always been coming along for my hunts, are you sure you haven't hurt yourself?”
Simon, instead of replying, leans in and kisses me. Simon Snow still kisses me like it’s the end of the world. And I kiss him right back the same way.
The good thing about learning new things is that I can be more myself when I’m around Simon. I can eat in front of him even if my fangs pop out. I did learn how to control them in America, but I’m still learning and it’s hard to control them around some things (or someone–like Simon) like bacon and black pudding. And I don't feel the need to hide them in front of Simon. I don’t mind showing him my fangs either. He calls them wicked and stares at me with what Shepard calls "puppy dog eyes”, his eyes huge and full of love. I know he's bad at putting his thoughts into words but his expression says it all. He must have taken it quite literally when I told him that “ some things must go poetically unsaid ” at our Leavers ball. And after everything that happened in America, we had to learn more about each other.
Simon usually comes with me on my hunts. He likes to fly around when we go together, sometimes hovering around me. He carries a baseball bat with him, says that he'd help me find prey. One time he did manage to find me two cats and a dog. He's been coming with me every time this month and I'm starting to like having him around like this. But Simon always looks like he's on a mission when we go hunting. Like he's there to do something more than just keeping me company. He has a wary look on him at times and it feels like he's got something on his mind that he wants to tell me. I'm patient. I don't mind waiting until he's ready to tell me whatever it is.
I haven't hunted even once this week. I'm not usually afraid when I’m around Simon, but this time I'm a bit uncertain because I tend to be more of a monster when I'm thirsty. I walk deep into the woods to find myself prey. Simon isn't flying this time, instead he’s walking right behind me with a baseball bat in his hands. I can hear Simon's heartbeat as he sticks close to me, because it's quite dark and he doesn't have vampire eyesight.
I sense another scent apart from Simon’s (like a kitchen after you pop popcorn and melt butter) and run towards it. I leave Snow there because I don't want to miss the prey. This is usually as far as he accompanies me. It’s a fox, they are very common around this neighborhood.
I snap its neck and sink my fangs in when I see Simon look at me, he found his way to me like he always does. I'm so overwhelmed with thirst that I don't realize Simon is there until I hear his heartbeat close to me. He keeps looking at me. He starts walking closer, I don't stop because I'm still thirsty and I don't have control anymore. Even though we’ve been through so much and started opening up, I cannot stop feeling disgusted with myself at this moment. He never usually comes this close when I’m drinking.
Maybe he finally realises that. After all, Snow sees me for who I am now. A monster . It's a mistake that I let him come with me today. Maybe Simon wanted to see who I truly was, the true monster that I am. Simon stands next to me and puts his fingers in my hair. Touching my hair in such a tender way that I didn't know he was capable of.
“I love you,” I hear him say, and can hardly believe my ears. Did that moron actually tell me he loves me? Now? Here? While I’m feeding? Is this why he wanted to come along? “I’m in love with you, Baz,” he laughs a bit. I find tears whelming up my eyes, “Guess I’ve always been in love with you,” he goes on. I feel him bend down and kiss my head.
I let go of the carcass and stand up. “Simon—”
Before I can go on he puts a finger on my lips to hush me, “I wanted this to be here—I wanted to tell you now. “I want you to know that I love you, even here, even now. Well, maybe I love you more at this moment. I didn't even know I was capable of this much love,” he laughs.
I cannot take my eyes off him and I don't trust myself to say anything. Simon puts a hand on my cheek and strokes it, “Baz, are you crying?” He steps closer and stands on his toes, leaning in for a kiss.
I push him away. Hurt flashes across his eyes—before he can assume something else I pull him to me and hug him close. “I just fed on a fox, Simon.”
“So what?” I hear his voice vibrate against my chest as he speaks, I’ve kissed you even when you’ve smelled like goblin intestines,” he protests.
“Lower intestines to be specific, Snow."
“Whatever,” he says as he wraps his arms around me and his tail finds its way around my legs.
Simon leans up and kisses me. It's slow and gentle, like we have all the time in the world. I can't help myself from smiling against his lips. “I’m in love with you too, Simon,” I tell him as I feel his wings wrap around me. “I always have been.”