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1
Spending time with Adam was always unpredictable. Some days, he and Ronan would argue- though the arguments weren’t serious like they used to be at the start and were more like bantering. Some days Ronan would convince Adam to do stupid and reckless stuff with him like dragging each other on a dolly behind his BMW. Some days they would just sit in silence or talk about nothing and everything, and Ronan would never admit it to anyone, but times like these where they just enjoyed each other's presence were one of his favorites.
Since Ronan had seen Adam walking to school that day with his bike, there was something about him that captivated him. He had found himself sneaking glances at the other boy in the classes they shared, eyes trailing over his face and his slender hands scribbling notes. But then quickly glancing away when the other boy would turn towards him. Then Gansey had befriended him and things had changed. Adam had started spending time with them and Ronan purposefully ignored the way his heart fluttered when their skin touched sitting in a booth at Nino’s or how good it felt to make Adam smile or laugh. He couldn't think about these things. He wasn't supposed to feel like this.
But apart from the confusing emotions, spending time with Adam was easy most times. He wasn't like Gansey or Declan, meaning he didn't really care what Ronan did. Ronan knew that Gansey meant well but his disappointment whenever Ronan did something he didn't like made Ronan hate himself even more. And Declan...well Ronan couldn't be bothered to think about him today. But he could talk with Adam without being judged or without it ending up in a fight.
“Sometimes I get jealous of Gansey,” he admitted quietly, then internally cursed himself because it was something he didn't like thinking of, let alone talk about. “It’s so stupid and irrational, like I’m sure his life isn’t flawless either but he has this perfect family and at least he knows that they are always there.” He groaned, bringing up his wrist to chew on his leather bracelets. Adam was the last person who would want to hear about families. “Shit, you probably don’t want to hear this…Just Declan was a dick today.”
“No, it’s okay. I get it,” Adam said. “I have many reasons to be jealous of Gansey obviously. But his family is actually a big one. When I first found out that he lived apart from his family, I had thought he had problems with them too. It’s kinda funny actually, his parents care about him yet he can live away from them, while mine hate me, but I still can’t leave.”
Something twisted painfully in Ronan’s chest and he couldn't stop himself from inhaling sharply. Since his suspicions about Adam's home life had been confirmed, when on one night like this Adam had talked about it for the first time, Ronan hated Robert Parrish with a burning passion.
“Fuck, I shouldn’t have brought it up,” he said apolegetically.
“It’s fine,” Adam muttered.
“It’s not though.” He couldn't keep the anger from creeping into his voice. He hated how Adam always brushed this off, always refused to talk about this.
Adam didn't answer for a few moments before saying, “It doesn’t matter. It’s not like there’s anything we can do.”
“We can,” Ronan countered. “You can leave. We can help you leave.”
“Ronan, we’ve had this argument before,” Adam said, sounding exasperated.
Ronan was aware of that and it usually never ended up well, especially if Gansey or money was involved. “Yeah, but I don’t see you doing anything about it.”
“It’s not that simple,” Adam replied.
Of course Ronan knew that. Otherwise he would have beaten the shit out of Robert Parrish already and made sure Adam never had to go back there.
“Anyway, I need to go. It’s getting late,” Adam said before Ronan could reply and got down from the car.
“Fuck,” Ronan muttered as Adam picked up his bike. Was he thinking of biking back this late? He jumped down from the car and walked to Adam. “Come on, I’ll drop you.”
“It’s okay. I can go on my own," Adam protested. This idiot.
“Don’t be stubborn, Parrish. It's late. And I was gonna go on a drive anyway."
“Alright,” Adam agreed with a sigh and after putting the bike in the trunk, got in the car.
Ronan gripped the steering wheel tightly, hating the sinking feeling in his stomach that just wouldn't stop. So much for thinking that this wouldn't end in a fight as well. They both stayed silent during the drive.
2
Ronan stood near Adam's bed in the hospital ward, fists clenched at his sides. He wanted to go back to wherever Robert Parrish was and finish what he started. There were a lot of things Ronan disliked, but he didn't hate anything as much as he hated Robert Parrish at this moment. His gaze drifted toward Adam's bandaged ear and the anger simmered as a wave of sadness and regret washed over him. This wasn't fair. Adam didn't deserve any of this.
“Do you want me to call Gansey?” he asked Adam.
“No, I’ll just call him tomorrow. I don’t want to wake him up.”
Ronan wanted to say that after what happened, Gansey wouldn't care about being woken up, but instead he just said, “He’ll want to be here.”
Adam didn't answer and Ronan knew he had reasons for not wanting Gansey to see him now. But he wanted to help Adam somehow, provide some sort of comfort.
“Should I…should I call Blue then?” he asked, hating himself for hesitating. No matter how much it hurt to see Adam with her, maybe he needed her right now. Maybe she could help him feel better.
“No,” Adam said, voice strained.
“Okay,” Ronan agreed, feeling helpless at not being able to do anything. Adam looked lost, staring down at his hands and shoulders tensed, so Ronan said, “Do you need anything?”
Adam looked up and frowned. “What?”
Leaning forward, Ronan brought up a hand slowly so as to not startle Adam and cupped his jaw. “You look…lost. Are you sure you’re not concussed or something? Should I call a nurse back?”
If possible, Adam looked even more lost now. his eyes flickered between Ronan’s, blinking slowly. There was an unreadable expression on his face. Then seemingly bringing himself out of it, he shook his head, wincing, and said, “No, it’s fine. I just need some rest, I guess.”
Talk to me, Ronan thought desperately. Yell at me. Anything. Don't shut me out like this. He wanted to press on, but if Adam didn't want to talk right now, he wouldn't force him to, so he stepped back. “Okay, then you should go to sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Adam laid down and closed his eyes. After sometime, the furrow in his brows smoothed out and he looked more at peace than Ronan had seen him lately. The feeling that Ronan still refused to name swelled in his chest, along with a rush of protectiveness for this boy. Giving in the urge, he brushed away Adam's hair softly. He knew he couldn't always chase away Adam's nightmares, but he was surely going to try.
3
If ignoring his feelings for Adam was hard before, it was impossible after Blue came into their lives. The jealousy was such an all encompassing feeling, it made his chest feel tight like he was drowning. Everytime he would see them together, part of him wanted to avert his eyes or just run away from there, but another part of him wanted to see that smile that formed on Adam's face whenever Blue was around. The burning in his throat didn't matter when Adam looked happy like that. And though he wanted to be the person to make Adam happy, he knew he couldn't be that. He ruined things; his nightmares were proof of that.
But he couldn't ignore this anymore; he was in love with Adam, who was not only one of his best friends, but also in a relationship with a girl.
But then something changed.
Since the fourth of July party— which was something Ronan still didn't like to think about— Adam and Blue had been different. They still talked, but they seemed distanced now. Adam didn't look happy anymore when he looked at her, instead there was resignation and a hint of pain in his eyes. And Blue didn't look at him in the way she used to, like he was something good in her life, these days her face was contorted in guilt and sadness.
Ronan didn't know if he should bring it up, but he didn't like seeing Adam like this, so one day as they were finishing up with homework, he asked Adam about it.
“We broke up- I mean I’m not sure if we were even properly dating, but we aren’t together anymore,” Adam answered.
Ronan told himself to not show any surprise, while his mind was reeling. He didn't know what to feel. Should he be glad? Relieved? This meant that he wouldn't see them together and feel that ache in his chest anymore. But he didn't feel relieved when Adam looked like this.
“Why?” he asked Adam finally.
Adam gave a weak shrug. “She doesn’t love me and…and it wouldn’t work.”
Ronan averted his gaze to the floor, contemplating whether he should ask this or not. It could hurt worse than anything else, but he did want to know. So he bit the bullet and asked, “Did…Did you love her?”
“I don’t really know,” Adam admitted quietly and Ronan let out a quiet breath. “I’m not even sure what love is-” Ronan couldn't stop himself from wincing at that, but Adam continued, “I don’t know if I really loved her or was it just because she was the first person who seemed to want to be with me. I don’t know…I did like her a lot, and it’s understandable that she doesn’t love me, but I wish it didn’t hurt so much.”
“Wait- what do you mean ‘it’s understandable’?” Ronan questioned. Why would Adam say that?
Adam gave another shrug, bringing his knees up to his chest. “Just…I know I’m hard to love.”
Ronan opened his mouth to argue against that because that was absurd but the other boy continued, “Because there had to be something I did that made my father hate me, and I had learnt to live with that.” Ronan clenched his fists as he felt the familiar rage burning through him. “So, of course, Blue couldn’t love me either, but it’s still hard.”
Ronan shook his head. No, Adam couldn't be thinking these things about himself. “Listen to me, Parrish. What your father did was not your fault,” he said firmly. “None of it was. He is an asshole who deserves to rot in jail. And I don’t know what goes on in Sargent’s mind, but she’s stupid.”
Adam looked surprised at that and Ronan shook his head again. No, he was not letting these thoughts stay in Adam's head. He needed to know it wasn't true. “Look, I don’t know how this love bullshit works, but you seemed to make her happy. Even if she doesn’t love you in the true love and shit sort of way, I’m sure she still loves you. She is still your friend. And don’t let Gansey or Noah hear you saying that stupid shit about being unlovable. Gansey will write speeches about how much he loves you and Noah will be appalled that he didn’t shower you in enough love for it to be obvious to your dumb brain.” Then, trying to lighten the mood, added, “And I’m pretty sure Helen has a crush on you.”
“She does not,” Adam protested.
“Come on, I thought you were supposed to be smart,” Ronan replied, shoving him lightly. “Anyway, what I’m saying is that people do love you, don’t pull that bullshit.”
“And you?” Adam asked, seeming stunned by Ronan's words.
Ronan froze for a moment, not knowing what to answer. And me, he thought. I've been in love with you from the moment I saw you. And no matter how much I try, I can't stop. I love you even though I know I can never have you. I love you so much it hurts and sometimes I fear it might kill me but I don't care. I want to do anything, anything just to make you happy.
He swallowed down the words, ignoring the dull ache in his heart that he had grown used to now, and masked a smirk. “You’re tolerable, I guess. Sometimes a little fun too.”
Adam let out a small laugh that eased something inside Ronan and shoved him. “Asshole.”
4
Ronan was driving away from St. Agnes at a slow speed for once, mind filled with thoughts. He kept seeing the night horrors again and again, his own body lying in blood in the pew and Adam’s worried face. He had thought the night horrors were done with wanting to kill him now, but he was wrong, and today was a horrible wake up call. The scars under his wrist bands itched and everything felt so wrong.
He was so lost in thoughts that at first, he didnt notice the truck overtaking him, but then his blood ran cold as he recognised the truck and fucking Robert Parrish’s face in the driver’s seat.
Fuck .
He braked hard, heart jumping in his throat. Had that son of a bitch gone to St. Agnes? Why didn't Ronan notice his truck in the parking lot? Where was Adam? Was Adam with him? Was he okay? Fucking hell.
Ronan was caught between driving back to St. Agnes and following Robert Parrish. But then he decided that it was better to go to St. Agnes first. If Adam wasn't there, then he would go to the trailer park. He would go to every place in fucking Henrietta to find him.
Taking a sharp U-turn, he started driving back to St. Agnes over the speed limit, trying to stop his mind from jumping to the worst possible scenarios. He had been scared many times in his life, but this fear and dread was worse than anything; it felt like an icy hand was clenching around his neck. As he reached there, he threw open the car’s door, not bothering to shut it and ran towards Adam’s apartment as fast as he could. Once outside the door, he knocked, not bothering to catch his breath. “Adam? Are you here?”
The door opened and Adam was there. Ronan’s knees almost gave out in relief. Fuck. He was here.
“I saw-” he paused; he hated to call that fucker that. “...Your father’s truck leaving. Fuck, I thought you wouldn’t be here, or you would…” He drifted off, not wanting to voice his fears. “Are you okay?” he asked and looked over Adam’s face for any signs of injuries.
“I am okay,” Adam answered, though his voice sounded shaky.
“Why was he here?” Ronan asked in a hard voice.
“He wanted to talk about the court case,” Adam replied and rubbed his eyes.
Ronan wanted to ask what happened but Adam seemed shaken, curling on himself like he wanted to disappear, so Ronan decided that they could talk about that some other time. He shook his head slightly and said, “Come to Monmouth today.”
“I…I can’t,” Adam said.
Ronan restrained himself from cursing. He didn't want Adam to be here today. “Why not? He could-” He ran a hand over his buzzed hair, knowing that arguing with Adam was usually pointless. “Alright just…don’t stay here right now. Come to the Barns with me and on the way you can decide if we’ll go to Monmouth or come back here.”
Please just agree, he thought. I can't leave you here. I can't go not knowing if you're okay or not.
“Okay,” Adam said and the tension fell from Ronan's shoulders as Adam moved to get his bag.
--
As they drove back from the Barns and came across the diversion between St. Agnes and Monmouth, Ronan slowed down the car. “Are we going right or left?” he asked.
Adam took a deep breath before saying, “Right.”
Ronan relaxed and turned right towards Monmouth, a tiny smile on his lips.
As Ronan parked outside the building and they got down from the car, Ronan could see that Adam seemed to hesitate.
“We can tell Gansey that you had to work on some homework if you don't wanna talk about it,” Ronan offered.
“Oh?” Adam looked up at him, looking grateful.
Ronan shrugged, hating to see Adam uncertain like this. “We can tell them you needed help with Latin homework, and I, being the great Latin expert, decided to have mercy and help you.”
“Shut up.” Adam shoved Ronan playfully, and he almost stumbled down but caught the car to balance himself. Adam let out a small laugh and Ronan couldn't help but smile. This was better.
“Idiot,” he muttered, mentally cursing himself at how fond it sounded and they made their way to the second floor.
Gansey, as expected, seemed surprised to see them but as they gave the excuse of homework, he seemed delighted as he was working on homework too. So Adam sat with him and they started working on physics or maybe Math; Ronan didn't care to ask. He went to his room to feed Chainsaw, then went to the kitchen-bathroom to get something to eat for himself and Adam.
Walking back to the living room, he placed a bowl of ice cream in front of Adam, muttering, “Eat.”
He sat down on the sofa besides Noah, who was giving him a knowing look as he leaned in to whisper, “You are so adorably domestic.”
Ronan elbowed him to keep him quiet. Noah was insufferable with his teasing lately and it didn't help that he could probably read Ronan’s thoughts to some extent.
“Is he staying here tonight?” Noah asked in delight.
Ronan glared at him murderously, but Noah only smiled gleefully.
The other two boys continued to do their homework and when dinner time rolled around, Ronan ordered some pizza which they ate while talking about their next plans in their search for Glendower. After that, Gansey suggested Adam stay there tonight, and was understandably surprised when he agreed. Ronan had been too in the car.
When it was time to sleep, the two of them went to Ronan’s room; they had become used to sleeping in the same room in St. Agnes, so it was a silent understanding that they would share the room. Ronan saw Adam look down at his clothes and frown, so he took out a hoodie and trousers from his closet and threw them at Adam, who caught them with a confused look.
“Put these on for the night,” Ronan told him, picking up his own clothes, and went to the kitchen-bathroom to change. It wasn't a big deal, he told himself. He had slept next to Adam before. But they had never shared a bed properly , a voice in his brain that sounded oddly like Noah's told him and he promptly ignored it.
As he came back to the room, he almost stumbled upon his own feet, as Adam was standing near the window wearing Ronan’s clothes which were just a little too big on him and should not look so good on him and Ronan's chest ached with the want to close the gap between them. Fuck, this was going to be hard.
Adam probably took his silence or lack of action for hesitation or uncertainty as he said, “I can go to Noah’s room.”
“No,” Ronan said, shaking his head, maybe a little too quickly. Then, hurried to explain: “It would be...um... really cold there. His room is creepy.”
Adam nodded in agreement.
They settled down on the bed, facing each other and since the bed wasn't that big, they were lying quite close. Ronan willed his heart to calm down.
There was a slight frown on Adam's face and his eyes looked lost, so Ronan asked, “Parrish? You okay?”
“I'm fine,” Adam replied unconvincingly. At Ronan's narrowed eyes, he added, “I just didn't expect to see him again like this. It was...” he trailed off, worrying his lower lip between his teeth.
“What did he say?” Ronan asked slowly.
Adam shut his eyes briefly. “That I should take back the charges because the court will see that this is just a cry for attention.”
“That fucker,” Ronan gritted through clenched teeth. “Are you sure you’re okay? Did he hurt you?” He didn't seem in pain and Ronan couldn't see any bruises, but he had to be sure.
“He tried to but-”
“What?” Ronan cut him off, eyes widening.
“He couldn't. I mean- Cabeswater helped and pushed him away sort of. He looked a bit freaked out and then left.”
Ronan shifted a bit closer so that their foreheads were nearly touching and his hand brushed Adam's lying between their chests. “Don't let his words get to you. He knows he's going to lose, that's why he is trying to do this. The court is going to see that he is guilty and he won't ever touch you again.”
“I don't know if that will stop him,” Adam admitted in a quiet voice that if they weren't so close, Ronan wouldn't have heard him.
“If he tries anything, I won't let him,” Ronan promised.
Closing his eyes, Adam leaned his forehead against his and let out a breath that puffed over Ronan's lips. “Thank you.”
“You’re tired. Go to sleep,” Ronan told him, and without thinking, wrapped his little finger around Adam's. He felt the other boy squeeze it gently and relaxed.
“Goodnight, Ronan,” Adam said, his accent bleeding into the words.
“Goodnight,” Ronan replied.
5
“I don’t want to talk,” Adam said as Ronan sat down beside him on the front steps.
“The fuck would I talk about?” Ronan replied because what could he say right now? Adam had lost the only adult in his life that treated him with kindness and care. Ronan didn't know much about Persephone, but he knew that she was important to Adam. It was so fucking unfair that the universe had to take away the one good thing in Adam’s life.
“I tried to find her,” Adam whispered after a while of sitting in silence. “But I was too late and she was already…” he trailed off and bit his lower lip.
“Adam,” Ronan said softly, hating to see him blaming himself like this. He put a hand on Adam's clenched fist and slowly unfolded his fingers. He saw Adam blink rapidly and unclench his other hand.
“She wouldn’t want you to be hurting like this,” Ronan told him. “She probably already knew this was going to happen. You can’t blame yourself or spend all your time wondering what would have happened if you would have been there in time.” He gently stroked his thumb over Adam’s palm, wanting desperately to do something to comfort him. He hated talking about his father’s death or anything related to it, but maybe this could help. “And I know it seems like false hope now, but it does get easier with time.”
“It does?” Adam asked with a sniffle and Ronan's heart ached for the boy in front of him. This was so not fair.
“Yeah,” Ronan replied.
Adam leaned his head on his shoulder and Ronan tensed at first, but then shook himself out of it and placed his head on Adam’s, moving his arm to wrap it around Adam. He knew that he couldn't know exactly what Adam was feeling and how to take away the pain, but he was going to be here for him.
+1
Ronan held Adam close to him as the other boy trembled in his arms. He was still shaken up by what had happened and every breath hurt, but that didn't matter, because he knew it was worse for Adam. He had lost control over his own body and Ronan knew how much it would have frightened him. His thought came to a halt as he felt wetness on his shoulders and heard Adam’s breath catching. He pulled back and moved his hands to cradle Adam’s face which was streamed with tears. Ronan had never seen Adam cry before and it was a painful sight. Adam’s eyes which were just now taken by the demon were red-rimmed, and his shoulders shook with sobs. The worst part was that they were almost silent except for his ragged uneven breaths and Ronan couldn't help but think of Adam sitting in his room in the trailer and stifling the sobs so that no one would hear. God, he wanted to kill Robert Parrish and anyone who had ever hurt Adam.
“Hey,” he whispered, ignoring the pain in his throat at speaking, and gently wiped away Adam’s tears with his thumbs. “It’s going to be okay.”
He saw Adam glance down at his neck and the other boy muttered a shaky, “I’m sorry” in a broken voice that cut through Ronan's heart.
Ronan shushed him, leaned his forehead against Adam’s. “It’s not your fault, okay? It wasn’t you.”
“I hurt you,” Adam said, breath hitching, as new tears rolled down his cheeks, catching on Ronan's thumbs.
“No, you didn’t,” Ronan said firmly. “It was the demon. You wouldn’t hurt me.” He knew Adam wouldn’t easily believe him but he was going to say this every day till Adam did.
Adam was crying harder now, so Ronan gently moved his head back to his shoulder, stroking his hair. He ignored the burning behind his eyelids at seeing the boy he loved like this and said, “Adam, it’s going to be okay. Breathe.” Adam buried his face in the crook of Ronan’s neck and as his breathing began evening out gradually, Ronan pressed his lips to Adam’s good ear and whispered a hoarse, "I’ve got you.”
Ronan didn't care what happened from now on but he was going to fight tooth and nail to keep Adam away from every bad thing.