Work Text:
Ronan hated feeling like this; this mixture of sadness and something else that just made him hate everything. It was such a frustrating feeling; it made him lose interest in everything, he’d just get lost in the loop of memories and thoughts about everything that had happened last year. And now the upcoming things weren’t pleasant either; his mother’s birthday was in over a week and it just brought back memories of past birthdays that she had celebrated with them before his father died. Adam, Gansey and Henry were graduating in a month which just made Ronan aware of how he wasn’t graduating with them and everyone would see him as a failure. He didn’t really care what the bastards of Aglionby would think of him, but it was Gansey's and Declan’s disappointment that grated on him. But thinking about graduation always reminded him of the future, which seemed like a scary concept. At a point, he hadn’t thought he’d make it this far, thinking that his night horrors would succeed in killing him one day– he did even want that at one time– but now he was here and he had a family. But even that wasn’t forever; Gansey, Blue and Henry were going for a road trip, Declan had to go back to DC and Adam would leave for college, and Ronan would be here by himself and that thought alone was enough to make a pressure build in his chest. A part of him knew that he wouldn’t lose them, they weren’t going to be torn apart by distance, but it was obvious that things would change. And lately that was all Ronan could think about and he hated how much it scared him.
But he was good at hiding his emotions; he would pick Adam at work with a happy grin and a tight hug and they would go to St. Agnes and spend time there or they would come back to the Barns and roam around the farm and play with Opal sometimes. When Adam was at work, Ronan would try to busy himself with work around the Barns or just stayed in his room.
He didn’t know if he was bad at masking his expressions in front of Adam or if the other boy just knew him so well because three days ago he had asked Ronan if everything was okay or if he needed anything. Ronan had just brushed it off but he couldn’t help but fear that Adam would ask about it again, and Ronan didn’t know what he would say then. So, he had told Adam that he had to work on the barns and may not be able to drive down to St. Agnes for a few days. Adam, always considerate, had just agreed to it and said that he would try to drive on Sunday if he got off work early. So Ronan hadn’t seen Adam in two days and Ronan refused to admit that he missed him, because it hadn’t even been too long; they would have to be away for longer once Adam went to college, what was Ronan going to do then if he missed him so much after such a short time?
However, Ronan hadn’t expected Declan to realise something was up with Ronan, so when they were eating breakfast after Mass and Declan suddenly asked Ronan what was wrong, he was taken back.
“Nothing is wrong,” he answered after a while.
“I thought you didn’t lie,” Declan said, staring at him intently. They were trying to be on better terms with each other so Declan usually spent weekends here if he could but that didn’t mean that they were going to suddenly start talking about feelings now.
“I’m not lying,” Ronan replied, picking on his breakfast with more force than necessary.
“Ronan, I’m not blind. I can see something is bothering you lately and that’s obvious, you’ve been to hell and back.” He took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. “Look, I know I haven’t been the best brother, but you don’t have to keep things from me.”
Ronan pushed his plate away, he wasn’t going to eat anyway, and crossed his arms over his chest. What could he say? That he missed mom and make Declan sad about it too? He knew it was hard on his brother too to lose their mother, he didn’t need a reminder of it. And he couldn’t say that he was worried about the graduation, Declan would either fret over him or lecture him on how he shouldn’t have dropped out. Probably both. “I told you, it’s nothing,” Ronan repeated. It wasn’t a big deal. He was going to be okay.
“Ronan, you can’t always keep things to yourself. We know that never ends well,” his brother said with a sigh. “Is this about Adam? Did you two fight or something?”
Ronan had told him and Mathew about them a few months ago, and he had been surprisingly understanding and responded to Ronan’s confusion with “You thought I’d have a problem with it? Trust me, who you like is the least of my worries, and it’s obvious that you two are good for each other, that’s all I need” confusing Ronan even more, while Mathew had been happy and excited about them.
“No, it’s not,” Ronan answered.
Declan seemed to hesitate before asking, “Why isn’t he here then?”
“I was busy with some work around the barns.”
It was obvious that Declan didn’t buy that. “Okay so you don’t want to tell me what’s wrong. Just…is it something I did?”
Ronan shook his head. Though Declan’s lectures about leaving school had been hard and made him angry, he knew now that Declan meant well, it didn’t make it easier but still, he couldn’t blame his brother for feeling like this. He had done enough of that after their dad died.
Declan sighed. “Alright, just know that I’m here if you want to talk. Or even if you don’t for that matter.”
Hearing that eased some of the weight off Roman's chest. It helped knowing that his brother wanted to help him and was here. Just some months ago, Ronan wouldn’t even have imagined that they would have this conversation, but he was glad to have his brother back.
“Thanks,” he mumbled.
Declan nodded in acknowledgment and continued his breakfast while Ronan played around with his.
--
It was close to his break time when Adam heard someone calling him. Pushing himself out from underneath the car, Adam stood up to see Declan walking towards him.
“Declan?” Adam asked in confusion, wiping his hands with a rag. He couldn’t remember if he had ever seen Declan here.
“Hey, Adam,” Declan said in what Adam thought was supposed to be a casual way, but fell really far from the mark, making Adam more uneasy. Was something wrong?
“Hey,” Adam replied. “Is everything okay?” He couldn’t keep the worry from his voice. Was Ronan okay? He forced his mind to not jump to worse conclusions.
“Yeah. Yeah, everythings fine,” Declan said quickly. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to come here out of the blue like this and give you a fright. Just… is everything okay between you and Ronan? I don’t mean to intrude and if you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine, but Ronan looked really down lately and you weren’t there so…” He stopped rambling and adjusted his cuffs, looking uncomfortable talking.
Adam frowned. He had noticed that Ronan was acting a bit different lately, but when he had asked him about it, Ronan hadn’t said anything, so Adam didn’t think forcing him to talk would be a good thing. He knew sometimes Ronan needed some space so that’s why he had told himself to not be bothered that Ronan hadn’t driven here for the past two days, and he had said that he’d be busy with the work so Adam hadn’t read too much into it. He had missed him, of course, he was so used to spending time with him that it felt like something was missing in St. Agnes without his presence; he had been looking forward to seeing him tonight so bad. But had he done something wrong without realizing it? “We are fine,” he answered. “He said he was busy with some work so that’s why I wasn’t there because I didn’t want to disturb him. I was driving up there after work, but if you think that would be better, I could take the shift off and go early.”
Declan shook his head. “No, you shouldn’t leave your work. But it’s good that you’re going there today. He wouldn’t tell me what’s wrong, so perhaps he’ll talk to you. I am going to DC for a meeting but I didn't want him to be alone.”
Adam nodded. The thought of Ronan being worried about something was unsettling. He had been through so much and Adam hated that Ronan felt like he couldn’t talk to them about it. He would finish up his work quickly so that he could leave early and see Ronan.
"I'll try to finish up as soon as I can," he said.
"That'll be nice," Declan said with a small smile. "And Adam?"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you. For everything you did for Ronan."
Adam shook his head. "I didn't really do anything-"
"Yes, you did," Declan cut him off. "I don't think you realize, but you did help him a lot. By just even being there. And I hope he helped you too."
"He did," Adam replied with a soft smile.
---
Ronan sat on the sofa in the living room, flicking through channels without noticing what was playing on the TV. Opal would be back from playing outside soon, so he should probably make something for her and convince her to eat it, but he couldn’t stop thinking about his conversation with Declan. The house felt too empty now that he was gone too, but Ronan knew he should get used to it.
He heard the front door open and expected the click of Opal’s hooves, but instead there were soft footsteps and Adam entered the living room.
“Adam?” Ronan asked, only now remembering that Adam had said that he would try to drive up here today. He was here.
“Hey,” Adam said with a small smile and sat down beside him, cupping his cheek and brushing their lips together in a chaste kiss. Ronan wrapped his arms around his waist and deepened the kiss. God he had missed him.
“Is it crazy that I missed you even if it was just two days?” Adam murmured, hands still holding Ronan's face.
That was enough to ease some of the tightness in Ronan's chest; Adam missed him too, he wasn't weak or pathetic to miss Adam these past days. Shaking his head, he replied, “I missed you, too.”
Adam smiled a sad smile at that and he knew they were probably both thinking the same thing: What would they do when Adam left for college?
“Where is Opal?” Adam asked.
“Playing outside,” Ronan replied.
“Did you have dinner?” Adam asked, stroking Ronan’s cheek.
Ronan shook his head.
“Ronan, it’s late,” Adam reprimanded gently.
“Wasn’t hungry.”
Adam’s eyes were filled with concern as he asked, “Are you feeling okay?”
Ronan nodded quickly, rubbing his tired eyes. Shit. Now Adam also suspected something was wrong.
“Ronan,” Adam whispered. “You can tell me if something’s wrong, you know?”
“Nothing is wrong,” Ronan said, averting his eyes. He hated lying, especially to Adam.
“Ronan, did I do something?” Adam asked, voice nervous and timid like he expected Ronan to say he fucked up.
The last thing Ronan wanted was for Adam to blame himself. “No. fuck, no. You didn't. I’m okay, it’s just…” Ronan paused, taking a deep breath. “It's mom’s birthday in just a week... I miss her so much and I just don’t know what to do.”
“Ronan,” Adam breathed out, his hands on Ronan’s face stilling for a moment. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I didn’t want to worry you. You already have so much on your plate with the jobs and graduation…”
“Ronan, those things aren’t more important than you,” Adam said, gently holding Ronan’s chin to make him look up into his earnest eyes. Ronan's heart skipped a beat at the love and warmth he saw there. “I want to be here for you. But I can’t do anything if you don’t let me in. Please don’t push me away like this again.”
“I’m sorry,” Ronan whispered, blinking hard against the sting in his eyes.
“You don’t have to apologize for anything,” Adam said, brushing his thumb below Ronan’s eye as the first tear escaped. “I’m sorry I didn’t come here the past two days, I should have been here.”
“It’s not your fault, I told you I was busy,” Ronan replied, sniffling. He didn't want Adam to blame himself.
Adam kissed his forehead gently, and held him close as the tears fell freely, rubbing his back soothingly and Ronan felt like the weight he had been carrying for weeks was finally being lifted off his chest. Wrapped in Adam's warmth, he felt like he could finally breathe.
After sometime, Opal walked in, her hooves clicking. She exclaimed happily when she saw Adam was here, but as she came to stand near them and saw Ronan’s face, she frowned. “Kerah?” she asked, reaching out her small hands. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” he said, as Adam let him go to let Opal cup his face.
“Bad dream?” she asked.
“Not really,” he replied. “I just miss my mom.”
Opal’s face fell and she wrapped her arms tightly around his neck. “Adam says hugs help. This helps?”
He smiled fondly through the tears. “Yeah this helps. Thanks.”
She pulled back and Adam ruffled her hair. “Why don’t you tell Ronan what fun things you did today and I will make some dinner, okay?”
She nodded enthusiastically and sat down besides Ronan. Adam smiled at them before leaning forward to place a kiss on Ronan’s glistened cheek and then the other.
"Tanquam," he whispered softly, hand cradling Ronan's jaw.
"Alter idem," he said, leaning his forehead against Adam's.
Things would still be hard sometimes, he knew that, but he had a family now and that made everything better.
'Can't say how the days will unfold,
Can't change what the future may hold
But, I want you in it
Every hour, every minute'