Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“I'm on the highway to hell

On the highway to hell

Highway to hell

I'm on the highway to hell!”

She’s got her arm out of the side of her pickup, joint in hand, screeching the lyrics down the dirt road highway. She’s not exactly proud of the strangled screams that she classes as singing, but that’s what happens when you smoke a shit ton of weed on a three hour drive, listen to a shit ton of AC/DC and forget to bring water with you. It wasn’t like Ellie had anyone to impress, especially not since she’d been shipped off by her parole officer to work on a ranch in the middle of fucking-nowhere-Jackson county as part of her parole the second she turned nineteen. So, fuck it, she wasn’t gonna make it easy for them. Not after they’d labelled her a troubled kid, (which she’d heard in whispers of orphan and freak whenever she used to walk past the other kids in the home), and not after her being arrested had been made into such a huge thing. It wasn’t even that big of a deal, those asswipes had it coming.

            She sees the barn in the distance as she tears down the dirt path, ignoring the slow down signs dotted along the path, and hears her phone buzzing. She takes one hand off the steering wheel to check her texts, and she’s got one from Cat.

            Cat [8:02am]: are you there yet? how is it? better than here?

            Me [8:02am]: Almost there, wherever there is. There’s nothing out here

            Cat [8:03am]: still sounds better than here. call me later?

            Ellie’s past the gates now, steering one-handed as she goes to type out a response and taking a hit of her joint, both of which prove to be tricky with all of the stones in the road throwing her truck all over the place. She makes a note to check her baby over once she gets out of the car. Ellie puts down the phone, and revs the engine, looking back up at the road. Road, she expects, but what she doesn’t expect right in front of her as she pulls into the driveway is a fucking horse in front of her car. Before she knows what’s happening, she’s swerving out of the way, her joint tossed out of the window, and she stops the pick-up with a jolt, dust spraying everywhere. (Her poor baby.)

            “What the hell? Who drives with blaring music in front of a fucking horse? And is that weed?  Who the fuck are you?”

            Ellie looks over to the direction of the voice violating her eardrums, and scoffs as she leans out of the window. The rider on top of the horse is a girl, roughly the same age as Ellie, maybe a year or two younger, with olive skin and thick black hair. And she looks pissed. 

            “Whoa, chill out. Maybe you shouldn’t have had your precious horse in the way.”

            “My horse? What about your fucking car, blaring shitty rock music down the drive?”

            Ellie climbs out of the truck now, checking Firefly for damages. (Yeah, she named her truck. No, she doesn’t give a fuck.) 

            The girl clicks her horse on, right up in Ellie’s face, and starts circling her, looking down at her in disdain as Ellie picks up and wipes off her joint, reaching for the lighter in her back pocket.

            “You can’t smoke here.”

            “Ask me if I give a fuck.”

            The girl makes the clicking sound again with her tongue, and moves the reins in Ellie’s direction, getting the horse way too far up in Ellie’s grill.

            “Whoa, okay, okay, I’ll stop.” She throws the joint on the floor and stomps it out. “What the fuck is your problem?”

            “What the fuck is yours?  You didn’t answer my question either, what are you doing here?”

            “Working.”

            “You’re late. What’s your name?”

            “Ellie. Some guy hired me, Gabriel something-?

            “He owns the ranch.”

            “He as nice as you?”

            The girl rolls her eyes at that, and swerves her horse round, it’s ass in Ellie’s face. The horse breaks into a canter, kicking dust up into Ellie’s face, making her hack violently. 

            “Hey, you still haven’t told me your name!”

            She watches as the girl rides up the field to the barn, the taste of dirt strong in her mouth. Whatever. She’s dealt with worse than that before, as long as the princess stays out of her way, things will be fine. She clambers back up into Firefly, and the truck roars back into life, taking her the rest of the way to the ranch at the end of the drive.

~

            “You must be Ellie.”

            “The door was open, I promise I didn’t break in-” Ellie starts, coming way too close to dropping the very expensive vase she was holding, scrambling to put it back upon the mantelpiece. The guy standing behind her laughs, but to her surprise there’s not a hint of malice behind it, and it reaches his eyes. She still eyes him up wearily; he looks a little young to be the owner of the ranch who hired her, and it makes her shift uneasily.

            “Relax, I don’t live here. I’m Jesse, I just run the place.”

            Ellie raises an eyebrow. “Isn’t that what I’ve been hired to do?”

            Jesse gestures to himself. “Someone’s gotta teach you. Besides, we’re getting more horses next month and we’re gonna need an extra set of hands, which is where you come in.”

            She crosses her arms at that, scoffing. “Fair enough. So, are you also the one that’s gonna show me to my room?”

            He laughs at that, and it makes Ellie’s stomach drop. 

            “I wouldn’t exactly call it that.”

            Ellie knew that she wouldn’t be staying in a five-star resort, she’s never stayed in one of those in her life, but she at least expected an upgrade from the care home. What she didn’t expect was to be sleeping in the attic of a fucking barn, with the smell and noise of twenty horses directly underneath her.

            “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

            Jesse lets out a laugh at that, patting Ellie on the back roughly, making her stumble. (The dude was a lot stronger than he looks.)

            “Wish I was. This was my room when I first got here too, it’s not so bad when you get used to it. There aren’t bars on the windows, and you get fed three times a day. Way I see it, you’re living a life of luxury from what you’re used to.”

            Side eyeing the old saddle pads and hay bales in the corner of the room, she sniffed and shifted the strap of her backpack even further onto her shoulder. She’d sofa surfed, camped, slept on the floor more times than she could count, it wasn’t hard for Ellie to learn to sleep anywhere, but this was a joke. No fucking way was she trading a bed in an actual room to live like an animal, even if she probably smelt like one from the long drive. At least she’d fit right in. She’d debated showering before, but one smell of her pits told her she was clean enough. (Ellie didn’t have many regrets, they were pointless, but this was starting to become one.)

            Amusement was clear on Jesse’s face, no doubt from Ellie’s scrunched up face and narrowed eyes. Not to mention the fact that she looks like shit, and feels like it too, from the thirteen hours on the road. She’d pulled over in a country lane and only managed a few hours’ sleep overnight, and as shitty as the bed was in the attic, it was calling her name.

            “Where’d you come from, anyway?” Ellie pulled her eyes away from the bed to look at Jesse, who was way too fucking chipper for eight in the morning.

            “Seattle.”

            “Jesus, that’s a way to go. Your truck makes it alright?”

Ellie’s eyes narrowed instantly, her body tensing up, her chin raised.

“Why wouldn’t she? I fixed her up myself.”

“Whoa, relax. I didn’t mean anything by it.” Ellie’s sudden demeanour change doesn’t go unnoticed, and Jesse holds his hands up, laughing coolly. If anyone else had laughed at her, she’d have punched them in the throat, but she gets the feeling that wouldn’t go down well with her new boss or her parole officer. Plus, the guy seems kinda decent.

“She did struggle a bit.” she admits, reluctantly, which earns her a grin in response.

“We’ve got a shop in the Quonset; we can always fix her up if you want.”

“You know mechanics?” Ellie raises an eyebrow.

“I dabble,” he holds his hands out, humour clear in his expression. “It’s hard not to when you live on a ranch that’s old as shit and falling apart.” Jesse has a glint in his eye, like there’s more to him just underneath the surface, and he reminds Ellie of someone she’s tried so hard to forget. (It brings her comfort, though, and it surprises her.)

She gives a small nod, eyes slacking. They look at each other for a second, almost like an unspoken agreement, and Ellie gives in, sighing. Swinging her backpack from her shoulder, she drops it on the bed unceremoniously, and fixes Jesse with a wary stare.

“So, work starts tomorrow?”

“You tell jokes, too?”

~

            “So, what’s the deal with the chick?”

            She’s now knee deep in horse shit, a fork in one hand, and a wheelbarrow to her right. Ellie’s on her fourth stall, and she’s got twelve more to do. (They’ve been at it all morning, and she got the raw end of the deal. Jesse’s been standing there for the better part of the morning, sipping his coffee, not lifting a finger. When she asked the fucker why that was, she got another stall. Figures.)

            “What, Dina? The chick who’s also the owner’s daughter?”

            “She what?” Ellie falters mid-scoop and turns her whole-body round to look at Jesse, her eyes wide. Jesse scoffs at her, looking around the barn to make sure they were alone.

            “Yeah, I saw your little performance this morning.”

            Ellie’s dropped her fork now, pinching her nose as hard as she possibly can so she doesn’t fucking break something.

            “Fuck. His daughter?”

            Jesse’s full-on cackling now, his arms leaning over the stall door, hands wrapped around his mug. It’s got Have a neigh-ce day! written on it, and it looks like something from a shitty feed store.

            “She looked real pissed at you. Make sure the old man doesn’t see you swearing at his little princess.” 

“Princess? She was a dick.”

“Yeah, she’s feisty. She’ll hand your ass to you if you’re not careful.”  Jesse grins, and Ellie politely gives him the finger. She turns her back and carries on shovelling, and she hears the stable door creak as Jesse lifts himself from it, as well as his laugh all the way down the barn as he laughs to himself.

            “Six down, fourteen to go, Ellie-bear.”

            Ellie’s next scoop is violent, as she throws the last of the shit into the barrow along with the fork. God knows how she was going to survive this summer.

~

            Two hours, an aching body, and twenty fucking stalls later, she’s emptying the last of the barrow onto the muck heap. The Jackson county sun is beating down now, and she made the mistake of wearing thick jeans and a flannel shirt. (Another decision she’s coming to regret this morning. This place is already changing her.) She wipes the sweat from her forehead and rubs her hands down her jeans. She was going to murder Jesse when she saw him, this was not what she signed up for. Then again, she hadn’t signed up for this at all, and it was either this or juvie. She knew she shouldn’t moan, but god damn she hoped this was some sort of cruel joke, and she was going to wake up tomorrow eighteen again in the home. (Something she never thought she’d wish on anyone, let alone herself.)

            “How was that? I almost had it!”

            Ellie’s walking back to the barn when she hears a high voice, shouting in the near distance. Shielding her eyes from the sun, she looks to where the voice is coming from and sees the girl from earlier, Dina, galloping around a huge pen on a dappled white and brown horse. She rolls her eyes, of course the girl has more than one horse, unless the light brown one from this morning transformed in the space of a few hours. Ellie doesn’t know much about horses, but she’s guessing that Dina’s just a spoiled rich girl. As she’s about to turn around, she hears Jesse’s voice, calling out to her.

            “Ellie! Over here.”

            She picks up the pace to a light jog, and makes her way over to the pen, where Jesse’s standing with an older guy, his dark hair and olive skin way too familiar to Ellie. He holds out his hand to Ellie, and it all clicks into place.

            “You must be Ellie. I’m Gabriel, I own the place.”

            Gabriel, as in Dina’s dad. Dina, who is now making her way over on her horse to where they’re leaning against the fencing. Dina, who she swore at several times this morning.

            “Hey.” She shakes his hand, his grip firm, and meets his eyes. They’re earnest, a deep brown swirling with different tones, and his face is kind. He’s definitely older, but Ellie can see the family resemblance already as Dina gets closer. 

            “Settled in okay?”

            “Yeah, its uh- it’s nice here.” she breathes, exhaustion from the morning slowly seeping its way through her body. Gabriel obviously notices, she guesses he’s had his fair share of hard work, as he laughs and gestures to the large pen.

            “Take a break, come and watch my Dina. She’s going to be a champion.”

            Ellie leans against the fence next to Jesse, resting her chin in her right hand, elbow on top of the fence. She’s watching intently, as Dina speeds up to a gallop around the pen, and Gabriel starts whooping. 

            “What exactly is it that princess does?” she whispers under her breath.

            “Trick riding. Look at her saddle, and all the buckles and footholds.” Jesse breathes, his voice full of mirth. Ellie strains her eyes, and as she does, Dina takes her feet out from the stirrups, swinging her right leg over so that she’s hanging from the side of her horse; except she’s not hanging, she’s kicking her legs up in the air and leaning back. Ellie’s eyebrows raise above her hairline as Dina’s horse gallops past them, and the dark-haired girl gracefully glides from the stirrup, to stand on the floor for a split second before she catapults herself back into the saddle. All of this happens while the horse is still moving, and Ellie’s stomach is down in her pants. 

            “What the fuck is wrong with that girl?”

            Gabriel laughs loudly, and it makes Ellie jump out of her goddamn skin. Jesse snorts, and she realises she said that out loud rather than just think it. Fuck. The old man turns to her, his eyes kind, his smile wide.

            “Incredible, isn’t she? That’s her horse Japan, we bought him a few years ago. They’re a great team.”

            Dina whoops in the saddle, her hair flowing from the speed they’ve racked up, and her eyes alight in the midday sun. She may be fucking entitled but damn, Ellie was a lesbian after all, and she could appreciate that the girl was gorgeous. (And also, incredibly terrifying. Ellie didn’t know much about horses, but she knew enough to know that you’re supposed to wear some sort of helmet when you’re riding. Dina had been doing fucking somersaults on that horse, and the thought of it made Ellie wanna barf right there.)

            She slows down now to trot, and rides over to where they’re standing, and jumps down from Japan, landing lightly. But not before she stops right in front of Ellie, the horse’s hot breath invading her personal space. When Ellie jumps back, it’s fucking huge okay, Dina lets out a high-pitched laugh.

            “I’m guessing you’ve never been around horses before.”

            Ellie squares up, and goes to make a retort, when the old man interferes.

            “Dina.” He warns, his voice light and it makes Ellie wonder if the girl is like that with everyone. Or whether that morning’s interaction had set a target on Ellie’s forehead.

            “No. I grew up in the city. There weren’t a lot of fancy ranches around.”

            Jesse climbs over the fence, and takes the reins from Dina, and leads the horse into the stall. Dina climbs up to sit onto the fence between Ellie and Gabriel, her hair flipping in Ellie’s face.

            “Dina, this is Ellie, our ranch hand for the summer.”

            “Yeah, we’ve met.” She looks at Ellie, disdain still clear in her eyes.

            “Great. Ellie, you’ll be joining us for dinner?” He looks at Ellie expectantly, and it catches her off guard. She was hoping for a shower and a joint, not a game of happy families.

            “Uh, I-”

            “Then it’s settled. We have dinner at seven.” He gets up from the fence, planting a kiss on Dina’s cheek, and excuses himself, heading back into the house. Ellie stares after him, deep in thought. (There’s too much emotion there, and it sends Ellie’s head spinning.)

            “So, have you ever been around horses?”

            Ellie snaps back to reality, and turns to look at Dina, her mouth slightly open.

            “Uh, no. I grew up in Seattle.”

            “I’ve never been there. What’s it like?” Whiplash was the only word Ellie could use to describe Dina, she was expecting a snarky comment about Seattle, or a dig about her wariness around horses.

“Busy. Dirty.” She looks at the floor, stuffing her hands in her pockets. Small talk has never really been Ellie’s strong suit. “So, trick riding, huh? Never heard of it.”

Dina lets out a sharp breath, and Ellie swears there’s humour in there somewhere.

“Yeah, it’s pretty niche, but I love it. I used to barrel race when I was younger, but I grew out of that when I won Miss Jackson Rodeo three years in a row.” Show off.

“Barrel racing? Miss Jackson?” Ellie can’t keep the amusement out of her voice.

“Yeah, yeah, go ahead. Laugh.”

Ellie does let out a laugh then, and it surprises both of them. “No, I’m serious, I don’t know what any of these things are.”

“Are you serious?” Disbelief is clear in Dina’s expression, as if every person in the world is meant to know the fucking ins and outs of the rodeo world. “So, you’ve never ridden a horse?”

“I mean,” Ellie rubs her neck, sheepishly, the sweat in her hairline cold. “I sat on a donkey once when I was like six. That count?”

Dina slides down from her perch on the fence and rolls her eyes.

“No, that doesn’t fucking count.” 

Ellie snorts, not expecting that one. This girl has a sailor’s mouth, and it is like music to Ellie’s ears. This is familiar territory now; this is how she communicates. 

“Well, maybe you could-” Dina starts.

“Ellie! These horses aren’t going to water themselves!”

Both girls’ head’s snap to Jesse, standing to the entrance of the barn, a long hose cord bundled up in his arms. Ellie nods, and turns back to Dina, not quite sure of how to excuse herself, or if she even should. She doesn’t need to though, because Dina’s already halfway up the drive to the house, and Ellie scoffs. (She can’t figure that girl out, and she doesn’t know how she feels about it. Ellie decides that the girl is still a shitty princess, no matter how nice she looks walking away.)

She runs to Jesse, and the rest of the day is a blur of more sweat, a few bruises, and a fuck ton of swearing.

~

Ellie wasn’t sure what to expect from dinner, but she sure as hell didn’t expect a full two courses. A ‘Jackson spread’, Jesse had called it. They were all sitting round the table, and Ellie’s mouth was watering as she loaded her plate high. Gravy, mashed potatoes, roast chicken, green beans, freshly baked biscuits. She can’t remember the last time she had a hot meal like this, the home’s meals were gross, and she barely ate, but maybe here she’d put some weight on. She was skinnier than she’d been in a while, especially after her time at the station after the whole shitshow that went down. At the table was Jesse, Dina, her father and her mother, whose name she had learnt was Anita. She was a gorgeous woman and seeing Dina with her mother had made Ellie’s heart twist in a way she hadn’t felt in a while. She’d never really known her Mother. Pushing those thoughts aside before they take over, she picks up her knife and fork, and goes to town on the plate. It was only when she was about to take her first bite, it was so close, that she realised no one else had even picked up their cutlery. And that they were all staring at her. She felt a sharp pain in her side, Jesse had elbowed her roughly.

“Dude. Put your fucking food down. They pray before they eat. You look like a dick.” Jesse murmurs to her. 

She lowers her knife and fork and clears her throat awkwardly. Not even one day into her stay and she’s offended the entire family. 

“Fuck. Wait, no, shit. I’m so-” she stumbles, her face heating up with shame, not helped by Jesse vibrating silent laughs next to her. Fuck.

“It’s okay, we should have told you. It’s Jewish custom to bless your food before you eat.” Gabriel holds out his hand to her, he’s sat at the head of the table, and she takes his hand in her left and Jesse’s in her right. She refuses to make eye contact with anyone, but out of the corner of her sight, she spots Dina visibly taking great pleasure in this mortifying moment and it makes her want to punch something. (Or someone. Honestly, both sounded good right about now.)

They say grace, and everyone laughs at Ellie as she’s a beat behind everyone else. God, she really wishes the floor would swallow her right about now. But then, they’re eating, and every worry is forgotten as soon as that first forkful enters Ellie’s mouth. It is beautiful and she has a second, then third helping, putting all of the men at the table to shame. They chat all throughout dinner, and she’s surprised at how welcoming and warm everyone is. Dina tells anecdotes about her school and her friends, she’s actually only a couple months younger than Ellie, and pretty funny. Anita is a wedding planner, previously a retired show jumper, and Gabriel was a vet before he retired and inherited this ranch from his parents. Ellie sees a Dina vastly different to the girl she met this morning, all harsh words and sarcasm melted into melodic laughs and affectionate looks. (Ellie still gets frosty stares, and short comments from the girl. But she doesn’t tell her Dad about the joint, so Ellie feels like they’re getting somewhere.) Anita brings dessert out when they’re finished, homemade cherry pie and ice cream, and Ellie’s world melts as she tastes it. She’s quick to help herself to a second plate, because the way she sees it, is that you have a different stomach for dessert.

“Jesus, girl. Are your legs hollow or something?” Jesse whistles, sitting back in his chair.

She grins through a full mouthful, swallowing loudly. “I’ve literally never had food this good before in my life.”

“Where were you before you came to us? You were in an, a care home, right?” Anita asks, her voice soft and warm. The woman is just making conversation, but Ellie’s body instantly tenses, her eyes wide as a hush befalls the once chatty table. Her mouth opens but no words come out, and she can’t bring herself to speak.

“Anita, the girl hasn’t even settled in yet.” Gabriel smiles, all charismatic and cool, but Ellie sees the look in his eyes. It’s a look meant for her only, and she’s grateful for it. She keeps her eyes down at her plate, but she practically feels Dina's whole body stiffen. Jesse, too. She guesses they didn’t know the tiny little detail that Gabriel basically hired a criminal, and she’s guessing that he isn’t too eager for them to find out either. It fills her with shame, and she feels so fucking stupid, sat here laughing at a table with a family that isn’t hers. She clears her throat again, looking up with a small smile.

“Thanks for the dinner, uh, but I’m beat. I think I’m gonna turn in for the night.” She stands up, her chair clattering too loudly and the sound rings in her ears. She picks up her plate, dropping it in the sink as she walks through the kitchen to the front door. The cool evening air hits her as she all but runs to the barn. As soon as she steps foot though the wooden doors, Ellie doubles over, her breath short and heavy, her head spinning. She feels like such an idiot for believing that her past wouldn’t catch up with her, of course it would come up, and she was stupid for starting to let down her guard after one day of knowing these people. Her ears are ringing now, and she’s gasping for air, when she feels a strong hand on her back and a pair of deep-set eyes looking into hers.

“Breathe, Ellie. Breathe. Can you do that?” Jesse’s voice does little to help her breathe, but it somehow does wash a cool sensation over her senses. Ellie nods: breathe, Ellie, just breathe. It takes a few minutes, with Ellie lowering into a crouch, her arms coming round to hug her knees, but Jesse’s hand stays on her back for those few minutes, grounding her.

“Hey, are you okay?” Jesse whispers as her breathing slows.

She nods, letting out a shaky breath. “Yeah.”

“You sure?”

“Fine.” Her voice comes out stronger this time, and she gets to her feet with Jesse following suit.

“That was rough, man. Wanna talk about it?”

Ellie fixes him with a stare. “What do you think?”

He looks at her and blinks, letting out a few laughs of disbelief. “Whatever, I won’t push. But I know something that might take the edge off.”

Ellie raises an eyebrow, shivers setting in, as Jesse reaches into his pocket and pulls out of a joint. Her eyes go wide as she grins.

“You’re kidding. I thought we weren’t allowed to smoke here?”

“We’re not. You don’t work here for as long as I have without finding a good spot.”

~

            They’re sitting in an empty paddock, camped out in an old dried up trough, legs hanging over the side of the basin. They’re wrapped in their heavy jackets, passing the joint between them, the smoke looking like mist in an otherwise clear Jackson sky. 

            “The moon’s full tonight,” Jesse ponders, looking up at the half moon.

            “Dude, no it’s not.” Ellie snickers, nudging him with her elbow.

            “It fucking is. Are you blind?” His eyes are hooded, and it makes Ellie laugh even harder.

            “Are you blind? It’s nowhere near full. Are you that high?”

Jesse rubs his eyes, then narrows them, his expression one of extreme focus. Ellie watches him, her right eye twitching. They’re both high as fuck.

“No, wait, it… it was... Oh shit, you’re right. I-” He struggles to get his words out through strangled laughs. “I was looking at the porch light.”

That sends Ellie into fucking hysterics, and she’s not sure if it’s the weed, but in that moment it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard, and her stomach hurts from how much she’s laughing. Jesse swats at her, his pride clearly smarting, but it’s clear he finds the humour in it.

“Alright, alright. We should probably get back. You haven’t even showered today, and you reek of horse shit.”

“Hey!” Ellie laughs, hitting him lightly back, but still taking the hand he offers as he stands up and hauls her out of the basin. They walk back in comfortable silence, and she feels buzzed, and content. She knows she’s got a night of sleeping with the horses, and another day of back-breaking work tomorrow, but this might be a lot sweeter of a gig than she originally thought. Her phone vibrates in her pocket again, no doubt from Cat. She makes a mental note to text Cat in the morning when she’s not so high. They’re nearing the barn now, and Ellie realises she doesn’t even know where Jesse is going.

“Do you live in the house?” 

“Me? Nah, I’ve got a trailer a little way from here. But I’m not about to drive stoned, so I’ll crash here for the night. I’ll take you in the house for a shower, everyone will be asleep anyway.”

Ellie nods, and runs upstairs to grab some pyjamas as they reach the barn, the effects of the weed wearing off slowly. When they get to the house, they take off their boots quietly and sneak through the house. Jesse hands her a towel, shampoo, conditioner and some soap, and heads to bed, leaving Ellie with a hot shower. It’s incredible, and she takes her time as she washes away the days grime and dirt and sweat, letting the hot water wash over her face, between her ears and under her feet. She takes the process of cleaning herself as slow as she can and curses the world when she knows she has to get out from the shower. She has to remind herself that hot showers aren’t a luxury anymore. She pats herself dry with the towel, pulling on her thin and fraying pyjamas, and stuffs her dirty clothes into a ball, quietly shutting the bathroom door after her. She pulls her boots and jacket on, making her way back into the warm night, back to the barn.

When she collapses into bed, it’s not long before she’s drifting off to the sound of horses and the smell of hay. It’s the best sleep she’s had in a fucking long time.

Chapter Text

          The sun was fucking relentless today, Ellie knew it got hot up near the mountains, but it was almost goddamn September and the heat wasn’t showing any signs of letting up. She’d only just stepped outside but sweat was already forming in beads along her forehead and the nape of her neck.

            “Fuck this.” Ellie grumbles to herself, she’d woken up starving that morning, as she had most mornings since she’d started working on the ranch, but had been denied the sweet, sweet smell of fresh coffee. Walking up to the house, she’d been intercepted by a way-too-cheery-for-seven-in-the-morning Jesse, who’d thrown a pair of gloves at her and just grinned at her clear confusion.

            “What are these for?” Ellie raised her eyebrow, her stomach crying out to her.

“You might’ve missed haying, but we’ve still got a lot of shit to shift.”

            Ellie scoffed, both eyebrows raised then. “But I haven’t even eaten breakfast yet.”

            Jesse just laughed at that, a laugh that screamed ‘Dude, I don’t care’ and Ellie wanted to scream. “Tell that to the hundreds of bales we have to move. Come on.”

            “Not even a coffee?”

            “If you wanted breakfast in bed, Ell, you should’ve slept in the damn kitchen.”

            She groaned, picking up the pace to a light jog to catch up, and she knew that the extra ten minutes in bed was yet another decision she is coming to regret. This place is really doing something to her.

            So, here she was, sweat pouring down her back, soaking through her flannel, lifting hay bales onto the back of a pickup to take back to the ranch. Gabriel’s brother, Ezra, was driving the pickup, with Jesse and Ellie working the fields, and hopping onto the back when they drove to a new field. It was about mid-day yet, and they were almost done with their third load, when she was reaching her limit; her stomach panging with hunger.

            “Relax, we’re almost done.”

            Ellie looked up in surprise, she hadn’t expected Jesse to hear that, and she felt her ears burning.

            “Where’s the princess when you need her?”

            Jesse looked at her for the second time that morning in a mix of amusement and disbelief. “She goes to school.”

            “Wait, what? How old is she?” Ellie must look dumbfounded, because Jesse lets his head fall back as he lets out a huge laugh, which makes Ellie’s ears burn up even more.

            “You should see the look on your face, man. She’s eighteen, she’s graduating this year. You’re what, nineteen, right?”

            “Yeah. How’d you know?”

            Jesse throws a bale into the back of the truck and taps his nose.

            “I know everything.”

            “Ugh. Whatever.” Ellie throws the last of the hay bales into the truck and hauls herself up into the back with a grunt. Jesse follows suit, and hits the side of the truck, signalling to Ezra to start making their way back. Jesse pulls out a canister of water from a duffel stashed amongst the hay and passes it to Ellie, who gulps it down greedily.

            “Thirsty?”

            Ellie lets out a laugh under her breath as she passes the water back to Jesse, who takes a few large sips. “Just a little.”

            “It’s hard work, but you’re doing well. I hear the boss is impressed with you.”

            Ellie hums, looking out onto the field as they rattle their way back to the ranch, leaning against the hay. She’s tired, and it’s soft. 

            “Be careful with Dina though, we had a thing once and lemme tell ya, she is not-”

            Ellie’s curiosity usually would have been piqued, but something else catches her attention. She sees it before she hears it.

            “Wait. Wait! Stop the fucking truck!”

            She’s launching herself out of the truck before it even fully comes to a stop, as a strangled whinny and the thunderous beating of hooves echoes through the field. Over the horizon, a chestnut horse is coming towards the truck full-speed, and as it gets nearer, Ellie spots blood pouring from a wound on its back leg. Jesse and Ezra too, and they’re both by her side in an instant, but Ellie’s feet are already taking her towards the horse.

            “Come back, girl, that horse is wild!” Ezra’s scratchy voice is drowned in the stifling air and lost through the blood pumping coursing through Ellie’s body. She looks back to see how far from the van they are, and she sees Jesse grabbing a rope from the back of the truck, and she turns back to the horse, slowing as it comes galloping through the field, letting out high-pitched noises of distress. Ellie doesn’t know why the fuck she decided to run out to a clearly dangerous, wild horse, she’s never fucking handled a horse in her whole life, but she’s suddenly holding out her hands and whistling low keys as the horse approaches her, rearing up above Ellie. 

            “Ellie!” Jesse’s voice is full of panic, and Ellie doesn’t even look back at him, instead focusing on this horse in front of her, dodging its kicks. 

            “Give me the rope!” she calls back to the guys, they’re slowly making their way over to her.

            “Are you insane?!” 

            “Just give me the fucking rope, Jesse!”

            She’s cooing and letting out rumbled “whoa’s” to the horse now, whose injury she can see clearer, a deep scratch down from her rear to her back leg. Ellie feels a rope slip into her hand, and she takes a slow, cautious step toward the horse, who doesn’t react well and rears up again, squealing, taking off and stopping by a small pile of hay a couple of yards away, smelling it. 

            “Guys, just back up a bit.” She holds a hand out to Jesse and Ezra, the former staring at her in disbelief and the latter stomping off back towards the truck, cussing.

            “You’re gonna get yourself hurt, Ellie.”

            She looks into his eyes, and something in her steels, turning back round and making her way slowly towards the chestnut animal. 

            “Whoa, horsey. Nice horsey. I’m not gonna hurt you.” Despite the quivers in her voice, she speaks in the most soothing tone she can muster, trying to steady her voice and her racing pulse. The horse starts, staring at her, as she slowly comes to a stop, the rope by her side. As it goes back to eating the hay, she moves toward the horse, and keeps moving until she’s managed to get next to its stomach. It’s looking at her, breathing heavily, its ears pinned back. Ellie doesn’t know horses but she’s seen enough in the past couple weeks to know that pinned ears does not make a happy horse make, so she slowly bends down and picks up some hay, offering it out to the creature, which she’s suddenly realising is huge.

            The horse looks at her dubiously, Ellie swears she can see the horse contemplating whether or not this strange, red-headed human can be trusted. The horse obviously decides hunger outweighs safety and moves her head to eat the hay in Ellie’s hands, allowing her to slowly slip the rope around the horse’s neck. Ellie isn’t breathing at this point, as she gently strokes down the horse's neck, soothing it. She makes a clicking noise with her tongue, and gently guides the horse to start walking back toward the truck.

            “It’s hurt.” Ellie calls out as she guides the horse towards Jesse.

            He slowly makes his way to the horse, resting his hand on its shoulder, keeping his hand sliding round as he walks around to inspect the wound, no doubt so he doesn’t startle it.

            “Yeah, she is.”

            “It’s a girl?”

            “Yeah, and she’s not wild either, she’s got shoes.” Jesse crouches down, inspecting them. “Oh shit, we’ve gotta get these things off, no wonder she was running so fast. Ellie, can you cover her face with your flannel while I take these off?”

            “Uh, yeah sure.” Ezra takes hold of the rope while she shrugs off her flannel, slowly draping it over the horse’s face, whispering calming words to her once again as she starts from the sudden blackout. Ezra passes Jesse a spanner out of the truck, and he gets to work removing the shoes.

            “So, what’s going on?” Ellie looks at the back of Jesse’s head, as she rubs circles into the horse’s necks in an attempt to keep her grounded and feeling safe.

            “Well, the shirt is so she can’t see what I’m doing, and to calm her. And these goddamn shoes are about to puncture a hole in her foot, if she were to run any more, she’d lame herself.”

            “Lame?”

            “Uh, shit, I forgot you’re still learning. Like, injure. When a horse is lame, they can’t walk right. It’s like if we have bad joints, or a sprained ankle.”

            “Oh, okay. Are you done?”

            Jesse grunts with effort. “Almost. One more to go.”

            Ellie looks up at the mare and takes off her shirt when Jesse gives her the all-clear. 

            “That’s a good girl.” She whispers, and she swears the horse’s eyes are shimmering in the now-early afternoon heat. 

            “We’re not that far from the ranch. Ezra, you drive back, and me and Ellie will walk back with her. There’s no way we’re getting her in a trailer, and her leg isn’t that bad.”

Ezra just nods and jumps into the truck. It sputters into life, and he becomes a small speck on the horizon as he drives off. Ellie is still holding the rope, and Jesse is walking on the other side of the horse, in case anything happens. They walk in silence for a bit, the horse’s heavy breathing the only sound between the three, until Jesse clears his throat.

“I’ve worked with horses a long time, and I’ve never seen anything like that.”

Ellie hums again, letting out a breath full of adrenaline.

“I’ve never done anything like that before.”

“I’m serious, I thought you were gonna get your head kicked in. And you say you’ve never been around horses before?”

“Not really.”

“Well, I tell you something, you’ve got a way with them. That was incredible.”

She looks back up at the horse again, who is walking along, the past hour seemingly completely forgotten. Shimmer. She looked like a Shimmer, her head held high and her eyes wide.

~

“Ellie did what?”

Dina spits through a mouthful of steak and gravy, and it makes Ellie snicker like a child. When they got back to the ranch, Jesse had called the vet out, and put the mare into the round pen they had on the farm, across from the larger outside arena, so when Dina had gotten back from school, she’d obviously kicked up a fuss about it. 

            “I’m telling you, she walked right up to it, and calmed it. Horse wouldn’t let any of us touch her without a blanket over its head.” Jesse takes a sip of milk, recounting the day’s events to Dina’s family, who are all sitting around the dinner table. The conversation has been solely on Ellie’s befriending of Shimmer, (yes, she’s decided that is its name now), and Ellie honestly wants to sink into her chair with every passing minute.

            “So, we had a horse whisperer this whole time and we didn’t even know it.” Gabriel laughs, cutting at his steak. Ezra has been quiet this whole time, just shovelling food into his mouth, giving the odd grunt of affirmation when asked for.

            “Well, why don’t you try helping me train her and then we could work on some of our new trick horses?” Ellie is taking a sip of water, and almost chokes, when Dina asks this. She looks up to expect some form of smugness (or what Ellie likes to call assholeness) in the girl’s face, but she finds a genuinely earnest expression. 

            “Wait, are you serious?”

            “Yeah, some of them are rescues, so it’s kinda hard to reach them. Let’s see if it was a fluke or not.” There it is.

            “Uh, I don’t think so. Not my kind of thing.” Ellie shakes her head; she doesn’t want to make a fool of herself and give Dina to be more of a reason to be an asshole. The girl has admittedly been more tolerable to her these last couple weeks, but she’s just a lot. Ellie’s not sure how well she’d fare after a few hours of close proximity. At least when she’s working, she’s not interacting with the girl so much.

            “Man, you’d be stupid not to do it.” Jesse pipes up, and Ellie’s head whips to his direction, her right eye twitching. She’s going to fuck him up when they walk back. “I’ve never seen anything like what you pulled today. The horse trusts you, too, it’ll help her.”

Well, when he puts it like that, Ellie feels backed into a corner.

            “U-uh, okay, I guess.” She stammers. “I’ll do it.”

            “Brilliant! That’s settled then.” Gabriel claps his hands together, his smile wider than Ellie’s ever seen it before. And this guy smiles a lot. 

            Ellie’s cutting into her greens, when the scraping of chair legs against the wooden floor sounds, with the clattering of dishes, startling her.

            “Fuck-” Dina starts.

            “Language.” Her father warns.

            “Sorry, I just didn’t realise what time it was. I’ve got that-”

“Party.” Gabriel finishes. “I remember. Why don’t you take Ellie with you?”

            Ellie is halfway-through taking a bite, almost choking to death for the second time this evening. Both girls look at each other then, panic in both of their expressions, almost telepathically communicating I don’t want this. For once, they’re in agreement.

            “Thanks, but I’m good, I’ve had a really long day.”

            “Nonsense. Tomorrow is Saturday, your day off. It's Shabbat.”

            Dina cuts in then. “Father, she said she’s good.”

            Everyone at the table is looking at Ellie then, she feels everyone’s eyes boring holes into her, and the expectancy on Gabriel’s face is killing her more than the pleading on Dina’s voice She’s backed into a corner, and she knows the smile she forces looks pained.

            Fuck. 

“Sure, sounds fun.”

“Okay, rules. You can’t embarrass me, you can’t sit there all whiny in the corner like I know you’re going to, and you also can’t leave without me. You’re my ride.” 

After dinner, Ellie had showered, cleaned herself and gotten changed, eyeing her bed longingly as she stepped out into the humid evening air. Dina had been waiting by Firefly, arms crossed, face like she’d just been slapped. If Ellie wasn’t so pissed off herself, she would’ve found comfort in the fact that her presence annoyed the other girl.

“Do you even own anything other than a flannel?”

Ellie looked down at her chosen attire, the converse, the worn jeans, and classic t-shirt and flannel combination, and let out a huff of frustration, jamming the key into the ignition. She didn’t realise she was that predictable.

“Whatever. You can walk if you want, doesn’t bother me.”

Dina pulled a face at Ellie, turning to the window, attempting to turn the crank to open it, and failing. That window hadn’t opened since Ellie had gotten it and wouldn’t no matter how many times, she tried to fix the old girl up.

“How old is this fucking truck?”

“Hey, don’t insult my baby like that. Firefly, she didn’t mean it, don’t listen to the princess.” Ellie strokes the wheel, cooing at it. Dina looks at Ellie with a bemused expression, until she realizes Ellie was laughing at her expense, and she hits her arm.

“Shut up. Do you at least have radio?”

“Not out here. But-” Ellie clicks a button as she’s reversing round to pull out of the gate, and her mixtape starts playing. “I have music.”

Little Sadie starts playing, with a woman’s soft voice playing through the tinny truck speakers. Dina looks at Ellie in surprise, her thick brows furrowed.

“You know this song?”

Ellie glances at her as she changes the gear stick, speeding up down the lane leading out onto the main road. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I?”

“I dunno, it’s just different to that shit you were playing the other day.”

“Hey, rock is not shit. You just have poor taste.”

Ellie laughs, looking over again to Dina, stopping when she realises the other girl isn’t laughing. “Whoa, I, uh… I didn’t mean-”

“My sister used to love this song.”

Ellie doesn’t know what to say to that, the tone in Dina’s voice is one Ellie’s all-too familiar with. Used to. Fuck. 

“I-I can change it, if you want.” She goes to reach for the button, but Dina’s hand darts out and grabs Ellie’s, stopping her. It makes Ellie tense up.

“No, it’s okay, leave it on. I wanna hear it.”

Ellie nods, clearing her throat, taking back her hand as Dina’s grip slackens.

“Okay.”

They drive the rest of the way in silence, only broken with Dina occasionally giving out directions. Ellie doesn’t know what is going through the other girl’s head, but she knows enough from the home not to interfere when people are in their heads. You’ve gotta let them go through their shit. So, she stays quiet, just singing along to the music under her breath.

~

They’ve been at the party for about an hour now, and Ellie swears when they pull up and walk up to the front door, Dina has a transformation. Ellie had gone to knock, but Dina had just reached out, stopping her again. She’d taken a deep breath, almost as if to steady herself, and closed her eyes. When she’d opened them again, a new sparkle was there, her smile was bright, and once the door had opened, her energy was infectious. Ellie swears if she hadn’t just seen three-seconds-ago Dina, she’d never know now-Dina existed. It was scary. And what was worse, is that it reminded Ellie of herself. 

“This is Ellie,” Dina faltered, and looked at Ellie with a look in her eye that she just couldn’t quite place. “She’s helping my Dad out for a while.” 

“Uh, hey.” Ellie had her hands stuffed in the front pockets but had pulled one out to offer a small wave and an awkward smile. She hated these things. Over the last hour, she’s learnt Dina’s closest friends' names, Anthony, James, Anna, and Soraya. She’s learnt that Anthony knew Jesse and recommended him for the job at Dina’s ranch, and his twin Anna was one of Dina’s closest friends.  From what Ellie can tell, they were Mediterranean descent, olive skin, black silky hair, all curves. James was a fair-haired boy, millions of freckles that rivalled Ellie’s, but couldn’t quite outmatch her redhead appearance. Soraya was all bouncy chocolate curls and army boots and tattoos, and Ellie finds herself being reminded a lot of Cat. Who she’d forgotten to call, fuck. She makes a mental note to call her when she gets home. 

“So, where did you say you were from?” Anthony’s looking at her, warmth in his eyes. 

“I didn’t. Uh, Seattle.”

“That’s a way to go. What brings you all the way down here?” The earnest look in his expression has Ellie clenching her glass of whiskey, her knuckles turning a ghostly white. When she’d asked for her drink, Dina had given her an appalled expression.

“Are you sure?” she’d asked. Ellie had never been one for fancy cocktails, she’d used to drink whiskey with-. Yes, she was fucking sure.

“Suit yourself.”

She knew she should have been prepared for questions like this, she can hear Cat’s voice clear in her mind coming up with countless stories, but none of them were crystallising for her. Tactfulness was never Ellie’s strong suit, she had always been an awful liar, so she decides to just bend the truth instead. (It’s not the same thing, she tells herself.)

“Uh, a change of scenery, I guess. Trying something new.”

They seem to accept that, and don’t pry anymore, which suits Ellie just fine. She finds herself actually enjoying the evening after weeks of falling into bed from sheer exhaustion, which left no down time between shifts. The only sort of social life she’d had in the last few weeks was Saturday nights in Jesse’s trailer with cheap beer and old weed. Even back at the home, Ellie had (surprisingly) been pretty popular. But that might’ve been the fact that she was friends with Cat and everyone else seemed to tolerate her. Either way, she was enjoying tonight, and she’d even shared a few jokes with Dina.

Dina. 

Ellie still couldn’t figure that girl out. She was nowhere near as cold to Ellie as she was when she had first arrived, and Ellie was kinda surprised that she’d warmed up to her so quickly. She’d watched the other girl riding, pushing herself to exhaustion every day, never content. She’d seen the drive in her eyes, and then the mask of apathy strewn on her face around the ranch. Even in the truck, Ellie feels like she’s seen something she shouldn’t have, she witnessed a kind of vulnerability that she doesn’t have the right to see. But then, in this room of strangers, under lights and in clear liquids, she’s seen a different Dina; one with no cares, no doubts, no hang-ups. Ellie has always been good at just watching, noticing. She’s noticed there are complexities and chasms to Dina, that she hasn’t quite figured out just yet. 

Something strange did happen though. Soraya, with her strong arms and sharp cheekbones, had taken a liking to Ellie over the evening. Ellie may be out of it most of the time, but she wasn’t completely useless. She’d had enough experience to know what was what. She’d thought the conversation of her past had been put to bed, but Soraya had not-so-subtly hinted at the lack of a gay scene in the middle-of-nowhere JC, which Ellie took to mean, was there one in the city? Were you a part of it? She hadn’t said anything to Dina, or even Jesse, she was pretty private about those kinda things, but she guesses she kinda gave off the vibe with her flannel shirt and canvas sneakers. Ellie was usually what you’d call awkward when it came to this kind of stuff, but the other girl had gotten closer to her throughout the night, had put an arm on her shoulder here, had grabbed her hand to fetch another drink with her there, and Ellie found herself going along with it. Soraya was fucking gorgeous, even Ellie had to admit. Her mind couldn’t help wandering to Cat, back home, and Soraya had noticed, coming closer to ask Ellie what was wrong. It was at that moment that Dina decided to cause a scene, and Ellie didn’t know how she felt about it. She’d come over to Ellie, brows furrowed, and eyes glinting, screaming about the lack of booze and ice, and had taken Ellie on a mission through her friend’s barn to hunt for more. She’d grabbed hold of Ellie’s hand, tight, like Soraya had mere minutes before, and had led her out of the side door and into their barn. Ellie didn’t even know whose house it was, and she wasn’t completely sure Dina did either. But the girl seemed to know where she was going, and Ellie went along with it, grinning at a side to Dina she hadn’t seen yet. It had just started to get cold at this point, and Dina had noticed Ellie shivering, hauling the ice back to the house, and of course she’d taken the opportunity to terrorise Ellie. She was still a fucking princess, after all.

“You cold?’ She’d grinned, her face smug, as she sauntered up to Ellie’s side.

“You’re a dick for making me do this.” Ellie had laughed, curious as to where Dina was going with this. They hadn’t exactly been close the last couple of weeks, erring on the side of caution.

“You love it.” 

Ellie is standing back in the living room now with Soraya and Anna, Dina had taken it upon herself to go and get them both another drink, but apparently that wasn’t what ended up happening.

“Get the fuck off me!” She hears Dina’s voice, ringing clear through the steady white noise, and Ellie’s feet carry her into the hallway, where she finds a guy, not much younger than her, pushed up against Dina, his hands on either side of her hips, his face inches from hers. 

“C’mon, darlin’, just a little kiss? Jesse doesn’t need to know.”

Jesse?

Ellie doesn’t want to hear anymore, can’t hear anymore, her arm reaching out and swivelling the guy round by his shoulder, her knuckles colliding with his face. The room goes deathly silent, the music stopping, the only noise mingling are people’s murmurs and the crumpled guy’s heavy breathing. 

“Ellie, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

Ellie turns to Dina, her eyes wide, adrenaline coursing through her veins for the second time that day. “He had no right-”

“And you do?” Dina pushes herself off the wall she was cornered against, and straightens out the blouse she’s wearing, clearly riled. “I don’t need your fucking help, Ellie.”

The way Ellie’s name sounds in Dina’s mouth, full of anger, sends red through the red-headed girl. It makes her skin crawl. Dina launches herself out of the room, bumping roughly past Ellie’s side on the way out, leaving Ellie in the middle of a sea of different coloured eyes and shocked expressions.

“You fucking bitch.” The little bitch she landed a good swing on, who was bleeding from his nose, lunges towards her, and she doesn’t react in time, still reeling from Dina’s reaction. Anthony gets in between them, blocking Ellie.

“Spence, chill. C’mon. Let’s get you some water.” He leads him out, giving a look to Ellie telling her to get the fuck out of there. She feels a gentle grip on her arm, Soraya’s pulling her towards the door, and she feels dazed, on a dwindling high.

“C’mon, everyone’s coming back to my house.”

That snaps Ellie back into reality. “No, wait. Where’s Dina?”

Once they get outside, Soraya scans the front porch as Annie joins them, James no doubt helping out Anthony. “I don’t know, I think she’s walked home. Find her in the morning.”

“No, I gotta find her now.” Ellie knows Dina’s ranch isn’t near, not on foot. She’s only had one whiskey: she’d been nursing it all night. There was no way she was going anywhere without Firefly.

“She’ll be fine, she does this all the time.” Soraya gives a little tug on the sleeve of Ellie’s flannel. It’s getting cold out, and Dina was only wearing a thin blouse. Ellie shakes her head, and gently pulls her arm free of Soraya’s grip.

“Sorry. Thanks for tonight, but I’ve gotta make sure Dina’s okay.”

Soraya’s eyes shine with disappointment, but Ellie’s already lightly jogging towards her truck through the brisk early morning air. She’s pulling out of the driveway in a matter of seconds. 

~

            She’s been driving for a while now, shit this girl walks fast, before her headlights reveal a small figure walking along the dirt path, hunched over and shivering.

            “Need a ride?” Ellie’s got her window down, leaning out, slowing down to drive at Dina’s pace. Despite the fact she’s directly next to the other girl, so close she can hear her shivering, Dina is walking as if Ellie isn’t even there. (The fuck?)

            “It’s kind of a cold night for a walk.”

Silence.

“Listen… That was stupid.”

            Dina scoffs at that. “Yeah, it fucking was. Are you done?”

            “I thought he was hurting you, and I just…”

            Ellie sighs, she’s not going to apologise, she’d do it again if she had to. It was kind of fun knocking the lights out on a bigot, but she knows she can’t let Dina walk the rest of the way home, Gabriel would have her head on the front gate. 

            “Just get in the car, okay? It’s at least another hour walk from here.”

            Dina closes her eyes then, taking a deep breath, and nods without a word. Ellie pushes down on the breaks, bringing the car to a slow halt, giving enough time for Dina to walk around the front of Firefly and climb in the front seat next to her. They drive in silence for another couple minutes, the air tense, until Ellie has had enough.

            “Are you, uh, are you okay, though? What even happened back there?”

            Dina shoots her a look. “Fine. And nothing, until you showed up.”

            Ellie turns to look at her then, her face twisted into disbelief. “He was all over you, Dina. I don’t expect a thanks or anything, but you don’t have to be a fucking dick.”

            Dina is looking at Ellie, fire in her eyes, until it simmers out and she flops back into her seat, resigned.

            “It’s just some guy Jesse knows; he’s always had a thing for me. He’s an asshole.”

            Jesse again.

            “Oh. That sucks.” They sit in silence for a few moments again before Ellie tries again. (Since when has she been so fucking chatty?)

            “So, you and Jesse, huh?”

            Dina rolls her eyes, the ghost of a smile playing on her lips. “I was wondering when you were going to bring that up. It was a little while ago, we were on and off.”

            “And now you’re…?”

            “Off. Very off.”

            They don’t say much else the rest of the drive, and Ellie doesn’t think they’re going to say anything else to each other that night, but Dina falters as they pull up into the ranch, turning round to look at Ellie. She looks as if she’s about to say something but decides against it and jumps down lightly out of the truck.

            Ellie turns the engine off, pocketing the keys, and climbs out of Firefly herself. They’re parked in front of Dina’s front porch, across from the barn, and her eyes adjust to the dark around her, seeking out a chestnut block under the moonlight.

            “She’s really beautiful, isn’t she? If a little on the larger side.” She wasn’t wrong, Shimmer was pretty built, her stomach bulging out, visible even under the moon’s light.

            “Yeah, pretty wild, though. She seems almost… protective of something. I wonder where she came from. Jesse said she wasn’t wild, she had shoes on when we found her.”

            Dina hums thoughtfully, she’s pretty close to Ellie, she can feel the warmth from her arm pushed up against Ellie’s arm. Ellie turns her head in to look at Dina, and she finds the other girl already looking back up at her. She’s only a few inches taller than Dina, but she feels tall and clumsy compared to the petite girl.

            “It’s your day off tomorrow, right?”

            “Uh, yeah. How come?”

            “Let’s work with her tomorrow.”

            Ellie thinks for a second, glancing back at the mare, and nods. “Yeah, okay.” she breathes.

            “Cool. Well, uh, I’m gonna get to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.” Dina goes to make her way to the house, but falters again. She’s got something on her mind, Ellie thinks to herself. It’s irritating her that the girl won’t just say it. 

            But then she does.

            “What you did. Tonight. I guess it wasn’t shitty of you.”

Ellie just looks at Dina, her brown eyes shining, and just laughs. Genuinely laughs. This girl was a fucking nightmare. 

            “Whatever.” 

~

            Ellie’s never slept well when she drinks, a double shot of whiskey may as well be a can of energy drink, because it keeps her wired as shit. This morning is no exception, with sun rays bright in the barn’s loft, seeping through the covers and rudely waking Ellie up. She groans, pulling the duvet up over her head, willing herself to get back to sleep. She gets one day off a week, and her body works with the sun to pull off this kind of shit.

            Resigning herself to accept the fact that she’s not getting back to sleep, Ellie sits up in the bed, sliding herself out from underneath the covers, rubbing her eyes. They’re stinging, she really slept like shit last night. She’s snapping out of the hazy feeling quickly, though, as she hears a high-pitched whiny and a familiar voice. Throwing her legs over the side of the bed, Ellie pads barefoot to the shutters overlooking the ranch land, throwing them wide open to look down at the source of her alarm that morning, the round pen. More importantly, Shimmer and Dina in the round pen. Dina is stood in the middle of the pen, with the mare running in circles around her, changing directions, snorting, stopping. All over the place. It’s a sight to see.

            “I thought we were gonna do that together.” Ellie calls out to Dina, who looks up, her hand coming up to shield her eyes to get a clear view. When she spots Ellie, she grins.

            “Nice bedhead. I thought I’d let you sleep in.”

            Ellie’s hand instinctively goes up to her hair, forgetting she had taken it out of her usual low bun before she went to bed. She never wears it down, and she’s self-conscious of it; Cat had unevenly chopped it back at the home and it had only just started evening itself out. She rolls her eyes, and like the wonderful person she knows she is, gives Dina the finger. Not even five minutes have passed until she’s pulled the top half of her hair into a bun, has thrown on a flannel and a pair of jeans and sneakers, and is running downstairs into the barn, and outside to climb over the round pen fence.

            “Nice of you to join us. Wanna tag in?”

            Ellie walks into the middle to meet Dina, who is almost twirling in the middle to face the mare at all times as it trots round the pen, head high, ears pricked forward.

            “Sure. What exactly are you doing?”

            “It’s called join-up.” Dina is still looking at the horse, but her hand comes up to grip Ellie’s bicep lightly, motioning her to join the darker haired girl in mirroring the direction of the horse.

            “It’s to show her that she can trust us. We use our body language to move them around the pen, almost like we’re showing them we’re boss, that we know what’s best.”

            “That sounds kinda…-”

            “Forceful? Trust me, it’s one of the kindest ways to train a horse. Some of the guys round here like whips and spurs. This is gentle.” She looks at Ellie now, and back at Shimmer, her eyes bright. She still has a hand on Ellie’s arm, and she’s pulling her closer to her now. Ellie can smell her detergent, it’s kind of a chamomile earthy scent, and it makes Ellie’s head spin. It also makes her become all too aware of the fact she probably smells like horse shit.

            “Okay, so you see her inside ear is turned towards us? She’s listening to us, our conversation. So now, if I do this-” Dina lets go of Ellie and steps out in front of the horse, signalling her hands for the horse to go back. It changes direction, and Dina returns to the middle with Ellie, making clicking noises to the horse. She speeds up.

 “-she follows my lead. Try it. Use your body language to guide her.” The other girl climbs up to take a seat on the gate of the round pen, looking at Ellie encouragingly.

“Uh, okay. Like this?” Ellie walks around near Shimmer, but the horse just comes to a slow walk, snorting. Dina lets out a noise, it’s full of mirth, and it makes Ellie’s pride smart.

“You’re being too soft. Be stronger, run after her. I sometimes even growl at Japan to show him who’s boss.”

Ellie takes a deep breath and imitates the ‘tch’ noise Dina was making earlier, flapping her right arm.

“Come on girl.” The horse picks up the pace, almost frolicking into a canter. Dina whoops on the side-lines, and it makes Ellie chuckle to herself.

“That’s it. You see her tongue, how she’s licking her lips? That’s a good sign, it means she’s comfortable enough around you.”

“Cool.” Ellie feels like a fucking giddy schoolgirl, her grin stretching from ear to ear. “Now what?”

“Now, stop and turn your back to her.” Ellie hesitates, and Dina smiles. “It’s okay, just stand there and turn away from her. If she trusts you-” she doesn’t finish the sentence, but instead gasps. Ellie can’t see her expression, but instead she can feel hot breath and the gentlest of nudges against her backs. Slowly, she turns round on the spot and is face to face with the mare.

“Dina, what do I do?” she whispers, barely making a sound.

“Put your hand out, real slow.”

Ellie does as she says, slowly bringing her hand out, like she would with a frightened dog. She feels the mare sniff, and lets out a huge snort, yanking her head back, startling Ellie. Dina snorts, and Ellie shoots her a dirty look. 

“Try again.”

Shimmer is looking at her expectantly, still standing in front of her. Ellie tries again, and brings her hand to the horse's mouth, and is rewarded with Shimmer nibbling and licking her hand. Ellie lets out a low gasp, and Dina’s laughs are that of disbelief.

“Holy shit, Ellie. What the fuck? You’re a natural. We’ll have you riding her in no time.”

Ellie looks up, her smile uncharacteristically wide as Dina’s makes her way over slowly, both girls completely awestruck at the breakthrough.

As soon as Dina comes to stand next to Ellie, she reaches out to stroke Shimmer’s stomach. It all happens in a blur, a big explosion of movement. Shimmer spooks and runs sideways into the fence, kicking her hind legs out and missing Dina’s head by mere inches. Ellie instinctively reaches out to Dina, checking her over with a tenderness she didn’t even realise she possessed. 

“Are you hurt?”

“No, I’m good. What the fuck is up with that horse?”

Ellie looks back at Shimmer, eyes squinting in the heat. What the fuck? The mare is pacing at the far end of the pen, her tail swishing forward, her head violently nodding. Ellie had thought she was protective of something, she’d assumed an injury, but she’d been running around all morning with Dina. It wasn’t until she got a closer look at her that she realised what Dina had meant last night, on the larger side. But she wasn’t large, built, and strong maybe, but not big anywhere apart from her stomach.

“Oh my god.” It clicks for Ellie.

“What?” Dina’s looking at her with a puzzled expression, alarm in her eyes as Ellie makes her way slowly to the mare again, holding her hands out. Shimmer spots her, Ellie notices her eyes and ears flit to her direction, but the horse pays her no mind as she slowly kneels down by her stomach, ear against the flank near her hip bone, and that’s when she hears it. Rather, hears them. Heartbeats, two of them.

She looks over at Dina in amazement, awe-struck green eyes meeting bewildered brow ones. 

“She’s pregnant.”

Chapter Text

 “You did what”?

         Cat’s disbelief was clear through the crackled phone signal, and so was the fact that she thought Ellie was the biggest dumbass, which she’d also made sure to voice many times. Ellie had been meaning to call Cat, and that morning she’d gotten up earlier than usual, finished all her chores around midday and decided to call her. Admittedly, she had been dreading it, and she was probably right to have been putting it off; Ellie was met with a string of curse words followed with “hello, fucking stranger. How many years has it been?” Once they’d gotten the niceties out of the way, Ellie had caught her up on everything about the ranch, about Jesse, about Dina and about Shimmer. Now, the red head is sitting on her bed, eating a sandwich, attempting to understand Cat through the white noise. 

         “What the fuck, Ell? I don’t hear from you for weeks and now you’re some kind of hippie cowboy horse whisperer?”

         Ellie laughs, a low sound, and takes a bite of her sandwich, wiping the crumbs off her muddy jeans. It was nice to talk to Cat again; no matter how busy she was, she did find herself missing the girl. She’d known Cat for a couple years now, when Cat had gotten to their home, Ellie had instantly taken her under her wing. They’d been inseparable ever since.

 “Shut up. How are things with you?”

         “Fine.” Cat hesitates, and Ellie notices.

         “What? Is someone giving you trouble?”

         “No, it’s just… it’s fine.”

         “What, Cat?” Ellie’s voice is sterner now, more forceful. Cat could always handle herself, her less-than-average height didn’t stop her from being a total badass, but it also didn’t stop Ellie from worrying about her. They had history, even if they didn’t talk about it anymore. At least, Ellie thought they had buried it, but clearly the distance had gotten to Cat.

         “It’s just, it’s weird without you here. You should be here.”

         Ellie goes silent, both hands coming up to clutch her phone. Her voice comes out as barely a whisper. “I didn’t ask for this.”

         “I know, dumbass. I can’t be mad at you.”

         “You can be, though. I would be.” Ellie’s voice is husky at the best of times, but now it’s full of something she can’t quite say. It’s raw. It’s also only just past noon, and even though she’s been up for hours, Ellie feels like it’s too early for this shit. But it’s Cat.

         “Yeah.” They’re silent, but Ellie can feel the tension, even from 2,000 miles away. When they’re together, in person, millions of things can fill these moments. Ellie and Cat are notorious for getting high and watching the fuck out of cartoons in the homes, infamous for never getting caught for it, or for when they sneak out with their skateboards. But now, with only their breathing through a dodgy cell line, Ellie can feel the waves of Cat’s emotions, more than she ever could when they were sat right next to each other.

         “I just miss you, for fuck sake. You shouldn’t be there. It wasn’t even your fault.”

         She knew that was fucking coming, and yet it still takes the words from her.

         “Ellie?” 

         Ellie’s head whips round, that voice sounds too real, too near to be Cat’s. Dina’s standing at the top of the loft’s stairs, her hand resting on the bannister, her eyes curious. Ellie muses to herself; she looks like a deer caught in headlights.

         “I know you’re on the phone, but… The vet’s here. For the mare.”

         Ellie’s eyes widen, and she’s about to race down the stairs when she remembers the other girl on the line.

         “Ells, are you still there?”

         “Uh, yeah. Listen, can I call you back? Tomorrow? Something’s come up.”

         There’s a brief silence, and a resigned voice from the other end. “Fine.”

         That one word makes Ellie cringe internally, she knows she’s being a shit friend, but she’s too invested in the wellbeing of this horse to not see it through to the end. Especially now a little foal was involved. Ellie felt like she owed it to Shimmer.

         “But, Ell, can you promise-” click.

         Ellie throws her phone on her bed, and jumps up from it, stuffing the rest of the sandwich in her mouth and falling around trying to pull her shoes on. Dina’s looking at her with an unreadable expression, and Ellie knows she must look like a crazy person. They run down the stairs, and turn out through the barn, out into the pen. Dina and Ellie had finally gotten close enough a few days before to throw a blanket on Shimmer, and clean up the cut on her leg, so she’d been staying out at night in a paddock with some of the little ponies. She was still too nervous to be kept in a stall, and Jesse hadn’t wanted to risk her harming the foal or herself.

         “So, who was that?” They’re walking in step with each other to the vet’s van across the lawn.

         “Oh, uh, no-one.”

         “No-one sure sounded like someone.” Ellie doesn’t really have a smart response for that one. Her and Dina have an unspoken agreement since the party not to ask about each other’s personal lives. Ellie guesses she sort of has that agreement with everyone.

         “Just someone from-”

         “The home?” Ellie stiffens. So, Dina had caught that on her first night. Thankfully, they reach the vet’s van before she has time to answer, and Shimmer comes trotting up to the paddock gate as she spots Ellie. Ellie grabs her halter from the fence, and climbs over into the small paddock, stroking Shimmer’s neck and sliding the halter over her face, buckling it up on her cheek. 

         “Hey, girl. Hey, Shimmer.” Ellie coos, giving the mare a nice scratch behind the ears.

         “You named her Shimmer?”

         Ellie looks up, Dina’s leaning against the fence and her eyes are full of mirth. Ellie’s face instantly heats up, and she leads Shimmer out of the paddock without a word, ignoring Dina’s obnoxious cackles in favour of tying the mare up by the van and brushing her fingers through her mane. Dina’s laughter gets quieter and quieter, she’s no doubt going to tend to her own horses, or get some riding practise in. Ellie can’t say she minds.

         “You must be Ellie.”

         Ellie turns away from Shimmer, one hand still tangled in her matts, the other hand coming up to meet a darker one in a firm handshake. In front of her is who Ellie presumes to be the vet, a tall woman with white overalls and luscious ringlets piled on top of her head in a bun. Her eyes are kind, but her grip is firm. Her name tag shines in the midday sun. Marlene.

         “Uh, yeah, last time I checked.” Ellie doesn’t even know where that came from, the last word getting caught in her throat, but the other woman’s eyes just crinkle through a small smirk. 

         “Good, you’re just who I’m looking for.” She lets go of Ellie’s hand, and pulls her stethoscope from around her neck. “I’m Doctor. Marlene Dandridge, I’ve got a clinic down the road, but you’d think I lived here the amount Gabriel calls me out.”

         Ellie let out a surprised snort, she wasn’t sure exactly what a vet would be like, but for some reason she didn’t expect them to be sarcastic as shit.

         “So, is this her?”

         “Shimmer, yeah.” Ellie moves aside, patting Shimmer’s neck, stroking her and resting her hand on the horse’s back. Marlene gets to work, crouching down next to Shimmer, listening for her heartbeats, recording numbers and words that Ellie doesn’t understand. They stood in silence for a little while, Marlene engrossed in her work and Ellie just soothing Shimmer, who is still acting a little skittish, but it’s not an uncomfortable silence. It’s almost nice. Ellie starts taking note of the way Marlene acts around Shimmer, how she works, from how she touches her stomach, to how she tends to and dresses her wound. Honestly, Ellie guesses it must be a pretty cool job to have, being able to understand animals like that. It makes her think. After a while, Marlene speaks up out of nowhere, and it doesn’t scare the shit out of Ellie. (It doesn’t.)

         “Dina tells me that you’re the one who realised she was pregnant. And that you’re the one who brought her back to the ranch, right? She said it was pretty impressive.”

         “Yeah, I guess.” Ellie rubs her neck sheepishly, not sure how to feel about the other girl’s praise.

         “There’s no guessing about it. The cut didn’t make her lame, but it would’ve got infected pretty quick, which could've been dangerous for the foal.” She stands up now, giving Shimmer a little scratch behind the ears. Shimmer’s ears twitch, almost as if she’s listening to their conversation, and both of them chuckle. She doesn’t miss a trick.

         “I’m serious, though.” Marlene looks at Ellie now, and the intensity in her stare makes Ellie shift uneasily. “You clearly have a connection with her right off the bat. How did you do at school?”

         The change in topic gives Ellie whiplash, it’s unexpected, throws her off.

         “Uh-”

         “Never mind, don’t answer that.” Marlene’s eyes are full of mirth, no doubt eyeing up Ellie’s huge tattoo of ferns and moths travelling down her forearm, and the few scars on her face. “Hands-on kind of learner?”

         Ellie breaks the eye contact, looking to the floor, kicking the dust. “I guess you could say that.”

         “My clinic is only down the road. If you wanted, you could come down, see the animals. See how we work.”

         Ellie’s head flips up sharply, she feels the crick in her neck, but her eyes are wide, her breath hitched. “Like, as in-?”

         “Take my card.” Marlene reaches into her pocket, pulling out a small white card and offering it out to Ellie, which the redhead takes. She stuffs it into the back pocket of her jeans, and Marlene offers her a genuine smile, along with something else that is making Ellie’s head spin. (She’s not used to people taking an interest in her, not for the right reasons.)

         “Give me a call when the tyrant lets you free.” 

         As if summoned, the boss himself is appearing from the side of Marlene’s van, his smile bright, and he approaches the three of them.

         “Ah, Marlene, I see you’ve met Ellie.”

         He pats Ellie on the back, and it makes her heart twinge. He reminds her of someone, someone she’s spent a lot of time over the last year trying to forget. 

         “I have. She’s got a real way with Shimmer too.”

         Gabriel looks confused for a second, and then understanding shines in his eyes. He looks at Ellie, his eyes now crinkled, and squeezes her shoulder. He gets it, but he doesn’t voice it, and Ellie for the second time today, wilts a little under a weighted stare.

         “I imagine you’ve already given her your card.”

         “You know me too well, Gabe.”

         Both adults are laughing now, and Ellie feels like a small child, not quite understanding the joke. (It’s not a joke, and she knows it. But she doesn’t want to think what kind of expectations they’re putting on her. She won’t meet them.)

         “So, what’s the verdict?”

         “It’s good. I’ve applied some antibiotics to the wound and dressed it. The dressings are going to need to be changed every day. Ellie, I’ll give you the treatments.” She glances in Ellie’s direction, and the girl nods in response, trying to remember the way in which Marlene had administered them.

         “The foal is healthy, surprisingly. This horse must have a gut of steel, if she was running as fast as you said over the phone. She’s pretty far along, though, which is where I get confused.”

         “How so?” Ellie buts in now, instantly assuming the worst.

         “Well, obviously no one realised her pregnancy at first, and I’m not surprised, she’s quite a large build. But she’s showing signs of malnourishment and dehydration. You say you found her running in one of your fields?”

         “Yeah, up in the hay fields.”

         “Well, that makes me think she escaped from somewhere.”

         Gabriel cuts in. “Old man Seth’s land runs parallel to ours.”

         Ellie just flits between the two of them, apprehension clear on her face.

         “Well, whoever owns her wasn’t doing a very good job. Normally, I’d have to alert the authorities that I’ve treated a missing horse, but for now, I’m happy if you are to keep her here so we can monitor here.”

Ellie’s head turns to Gabriel, and she doesn’t even want to imagine the look in her eyes. Gabriel nods, his own eyes hard. “You’ll get no argument out of me.”

“Great. I’ve got some supplements to give to you, just give them to her once a day. Corn oil is good for additional fats if you think she needs it, and just plenty of water.”

         Ellie nods, taking it all in earnestly. She feels responsible for the mare, and something’s come over her, her hand coming up to rest on the horse’s back. 

         “I’ll be round for regular check-ups, and I’d also like her to come into the clinic maybe sometime next week. She seems to be around 11 months, so the sooner the better.”

         Gabriel nods, and they start talking schedules and timetables, and that’s when Ellie zones out. She looks at Shimmer, running her hands through the thick, matted fur on her rear. She hasn’t been brushed in what seems like a long time, and Ellie’s itching to pull out the thicker fur that’s seeping through the tangles.

         “We have a few brushes in the barn, Ellie, if you want to give her a groom. I can get Dina to show you.” Gabriel’s voice is soft, and Ellie’s eyes focus back on Marlene and Gabriel, looking at her with soft expressions. She just nods, not trusting herself to speak. Shimmer reminds her of Cat, when she first met her, and she can feel it in her throat.

         “I’ve got another call I have to get to, so I’ll take my leave. But I’ll be back next week.”

         Gabriel walks her to her car, and Marlene gives him Shimmer’s treatment. The engine revs as she pulls out of the drive, but not before stopping slowly next to Ellie, her head leaning out of the window.

         “It was really nice to meet you, Ellie. You’ve got my number; it would be great to see you at the clinic sometime.”

         Ellie nods, the paper burning a hole in her back pocket, and her sense of survival. She’s not used to this, to being handed opportunities, responsibilities. At least, not for a while now. 

         Marlene pulls away, and Gabriel walks into the house, leaving Ellie standing there with Shimmer. (Not that she’s complaining.) Ellie walks round to the barn, filling a net with hay and a bucket with water. She hauls the hay net over her shoulder, and picks up the bucket with her other hand, staggering out back to where Shimmer is tied to the hitching post outside of the paddocks. Shimmer spots Ellie straight away, or more sports the food that Ellie is carrying, and she nickers, mouthing at the sleeve of Ellie’s shirt. It makes the red head laugh, batting her away gently as she sets the water bucket down and ties the hay net up in front of the mare.

         “Calm down, girl.” She turns to Shimmer, who is now uninterested in the girl now there’s food around, and puts her arms around her neck, so they’re cheek to cheek. Ellie isn’t sure what’s come over her, but the relief she feels at the vet’s diagnosis is overwhelming. It’s making her heart soar, and she has to get it out somehow. (She just hopes no-one is around to see it. Her reputation wouldn’t survive it. Not that she has much of a reputation these days.) She puts her lips to the horse's cheek, and plants a small kiss on the bone.

         “You’re gonna be a Mama. Are you excited?”

         Shimmer is just munching through the hay, and Ellie can hear the soft noise, and feel the vibrations of teeth crunching through straw. As strange as she knows she must look right now, it’s comforting. Her head isn’t spinning as much, her pulse is coming down. (Since when the fuck does Ellie Williams get soft over anything, let alone an animal? If anyone from Seattle saw her right now, her head would be on the gates of the home.)

         “Hey.”

         Ellie has never moved so fast in her life, spluttering, her face instantly turning red.

         “Uh, hey, I was just- Fuck.”

         Dina laughs, shaking her head. “Horses, right? They do it to the best of us.”

         Ellie rubs the back of her neck sheepishly, it’s burning, and she knows she’s been caught out with this one. It’s kind of funny, though, she can see the humour in it.

         “Yeah.” It’s kind of silent for a moment, until Dina’s eyes light up, remembering something, and Ellie notices that she has a small bag hanging from her shoulder, which Dina offers to her. She grins at Ellie’s expression, the red head often looks like a lost little puppy, and she’s all too aware of it.

         “Brushes. It’s Japan’s grooming kit, I thought we could groom her together.”

         Ellie’s mouth forms an ‘oh’ shape, her voice soft. “That would be great.”

         “Cool.”

         They spend the next hour in Horse Grooming 101, and Ellie finds herself enjoying it a lot more than she probably should. Dina shows Ellie every one of her brushes, with each brush designed to groom a different part of the horse, Shimmer’s mane, coat, face, tail, legs. She guides Ellie’s hands and shows her how to pick out Shimmer’s feet, how to slightly lean against the horse to help her lift her foot for Ellie to hold and how to support her weight while gently scraping all of the mud and grass downwards. (“You should never bring the pick towards you; their frogs are sensitive.” “Their frogs?” “The bottoms of their feet.” “Huh.”) Once Ellie had learnt all of the brushes and techniques, she thought that Dina would leave her to it, but the other girl stays the whole time. They mostly work in silence, but like the silence earlier, it’s comfortable, easy. In an hour, Shimmer looks like a completely different horse, and she feels like one too; the mare is relaxed, even her taut muscles aren’t as tight anymore, her tail happily swishing, and her ears are curious, constantly flitting about and listening to her surroundings. The transformation astounds Ellie, and she feels herself puffing up with pride.

         “It’s crazy what some old-fashioned care can do for a horse.”

         Dina’s standing next to Ellie now, her hands in her pockets. 

         “Yeah, she looks amazing. It’s like it calmed her down.”

         “It did. Grooming helps create a bond; it helps them feel safe.”

         Ellie lets out a breath, her eyes wide. “That’s insane.”

         Dina laughs at that, the sound soft. “Yeah, it is.”

         They stand there for a few moments, both of them just looking at Shimmer, who is just continually grazing; blissfully unaware of how much work she is. Ellie can’t really explain what she’s feeling, and she thinks that even if she tried to, it would be too much, but it also wouldn’t be enough. She has never really been good with words, at least not with saying them. It’s a strange feeling, Ellie’s not sure if you can feel nostalgic for something that hurts, but it’s bittersweet. In front of her was something broken, something that probably didn’t even realise it, taking it as it’s reality, but now that broken thing is not so broken anymore. It’s safe. It makes something click in Ellie, something that was at the back of her mind before, but the forefront of it now. She thinks she might pull out her old journal tonight, it’s been a while, and there’s too much floating around in her mind; it’s like an endless chasm, a sea of troubled waters. She needs to withdraw it, deposit it, and close the account. That’s how she always deals when she gets like this. 

         “How about we get her turned out? She probably wants to go run around with the other ponies.”

         Ellie nods slowly, her eyes slightly glazed. “Okay.”

         It’s weird, because her and Dina have known each other a matter of months, and neither of them would even say they were friends, but Dina seems to know that there’s more to Ellie than her surface. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t be slowly untying Shimmer, gently slotting her arm into the crook of Ellie’s elbow, and leading the two girls into the paddock, with a sense of serenity that Ellie hasn’t felt in a long time. It makes her head hurt, but then soothes it too.

~

         “You know that I think you need?”

         “I have a feeling you’re gonna tell me anyway.”

         “You need a guy’s night.”

         Ellie’s sat on Jesse’s grimy futon on the porch of his trailer, they’ve got the fire going, which Jesse is currently using to spark up the joint that Ellie had just skilfully rolled for the two of them. They’d driven up here in his truck after dinner with Dina’s family. Ellie had grown to really like Gabriel and Anita, and neither of them had asked questions about her past again, so she felt more at ease getting into the flow of dinnertime conversation. The next time she visits Cat, she’s not going to be able to shut up after the months of talking to people all day, and she knows it’s going to baffle the poor girl.

“A what night?” 

“Hear me out. There’s an old saloon bar in town and it’s got everything. An electric bull, cheap beer, old rodeo stars…” Jesse takes a hit of the smoke and wiggles his eyebrows suggestively as he hands it over to Ellie. “Hot barmaids.”

She’s taking a hit when he says that, and the remark makes her splutter, the smoke and shame caught in her throat. Of course, it sends Jesse into fucking hysterics.

“Wh- Why is that a selling point for me here?” she all but chokes out.

“You think I haven’t seen you checking out Dina?” 

“You, what? Come off it. ” Ellie scoffs, trying to play it cool, but her stammering and blushing gives her away. She looks like a fucking blushing schoolgirl, which is ridiculous because she never even finished high school.

Jesse is still laughing and doesn’t comment when Ellie hogs the joint a little longer. They have a sort-of ritual. Their night-time smokes have become sacred. (They’ve bonded a lot since she’s been here, Ellie’s kinda thankful for Jesse. She’d never tell him that, though.)

“She’s got a good ass; I’ll give you that.”

“ Oh my God. You would know. ” Ellie mutters, handing Jesse the joint, painfully avoiding eye contact in fear of transforming into a fucking tomato, and failing miserably. It sends Jesse into another set of hysterics, and Ellie ends up laughing along with him. Dina does have a good ass, she can’t lie to herself, she’s seen the girl ride enough times.

“So, what do you say?”

“I don’t really have a choice, do I?”

“Nah, not really.”

That’s how they end up at a fucking cowboy bar; and how, three hours later, Ellie ends up a lot drunker than she’s been in a while. They had finished their joint, and high as kites had called Ezra to come pick them up and take them to the bar. He was a grumpy asshole, but him and Jesse had worked together long enough to build a friendship, and the older man had apparently grown a real soft spot for Ellie. He always brought her water and a muffin in the morning ever since the Shimmer incident. (She’d tried to say thank you the first time, and he’d started the engine to drown her out. Now, she just accepts it. And sometimes gives him some of her weed in return. The three of them have a system now.) so, he’d driven them, kicked them out of the car and shouted at them as he drove away to be ready to be picked up after midnight. As soon as they got there, Jesse had ordered them a round, and Ellie had gone to put some songs on the jukebox. They’d just kept drinking all night, Ellie trying to keep up with Jesse as much as she could, but he’d had a lot more experience than she had with drinking. At one point in the night, he’d decided to take a ride on the mechanical bull, his hair all mussed up, and Ellie had taken shitty quality videos on her old-as-shit phone. The whole thing was beautiful. It was nearing the end of the night now, they’d been sitting down for around half an hour now, just chatting shit to each other. Jesse was just talking about where he’d come from, his family, how he’d gotten the job with Gabriel, and Ellie was finding she was enjoying getting to know more about him.

         “You’re, what, nineteen right?”

         Ellie puts her hands against her mouth, trying and failing miserably to hold in laughter. “D-Don’t say it too loud, I’ll get kicked out.”

         Jesse waves the sentiment away, overexaggerated and messily, with the grace of a very, very wasted ranch hand. “Nah, it’s a small town. They know me.”

         Ellie laughed, picking up her beer to find it empty. Jesse notices, and makes eye contact with the barmaid, turning on the charisma. Ellie may be gay, but she can admit, he’s definitely handsome, his easy-going attitude only adding to his charm. They’re sat on stools at the bar, and so it’s not long before one of the girls behind the bar comes sauntering over to them and hands them two new fresh beers. When she turns away, her eyes linger on Ellie, only for a few seconds but enough for it to be noticeable, and then she’s serving someone else. The red head is wasted enough to have some liquid courage, there’s no doubt about that, but she’s also got a deep-rooted habit of completely freezing up around girls, especially when they show interest in her. When they had dated (briefly), it had taken Ellie months to rack up the nerve to kiss Cat, that actually it hadn’t ended up being her making the first move at all. They hadn’t dated for very long, it was more of a “will they, won’t they?”, or an “I’m going through something and I really need you to hold me.” They were young, so it never went far, and it was never toxic or anything like that. It was really sweet, actually. Ellie thinks that they both had just needed something stable, something familiar. Even after they’d broken up last year, after everything Ellie went through, they were still close. Ellie couldn’t sleep without Cat by her side for weeks after...it had happened. But they were just friends now, even if it had been kinda weird lately.

         “She just gave you the eyes, Ellie.”

         “Pfft. No. She didn’t.” Ellie took a swig of her beer. She wasn’t one to talk about her feelings. Feelings were… stupid.

         “Why don’t you ask for her number?” 

         Ellie almost choked on her drink. “Because that would be-” 

         She went blank. It would be what? What was stopping her? The girl was gorgeous, Ellie isn’t denying that. And she’s looking at her. So, she’s clearly interested, too. But her hair is too light, and her eyes are too blue, and she’s just too… flouncy.

         “She’s just not my type.” She isn’t technically lying.

         “No? So, what is your type?” Jesse asks, his expression genuine. Ellie can feel herself closing up, her walls building, but the alcohol is making it hard. Jesse’s her friend. They smoke together. He’s not out to get her. Ellie, he’s not out to get you.

         “What’s yours?” She can’t help herself. “Dina told me you guys dated.”

         Jesse scoffs, clearly not expecting that from her. “Barely. Is that jealousy I detect?”

         Ellie stays quiet because it’s not jealousy. It’s not. But she also can’t tell what it is. It’s something, though, because Jesse’s face looks like he’s just seen a pair of boobs for the first time. 

         “Dude, do you like Dina?”

         “What? No, oh my god, no. No.” She’s slurring, and she can feel it, which is making her mumble even more, which is making Jesse light up with fucking glee at the sight of Ellie flustering.

         “I don’t. I don’t.”

         “So, why do you care if we dated?”

         That stops Ellie for a moment, suddenly sobering her up. 

         “I don’t. It’s just weird.” She scrunches her nose up, for effect, a strand of hair falling into her eyes. She blows on it, which just makes it fan out across her whole face, and she sighs, visibly irritated. Jesse just laughs at her and takes another swig of beer.

         “Whatever you say.” He’s got a knowing glint in his eyes, but Ellie’s too drunk to take any notice. She likes this feeling. She’d stopped drinking for a while, it went two ways for Ellie, and this was a pleasant experience.

         “Thanks for bringing me out tonight.”

         “Don’t mention it.”

~

Ellie wakes up to the blaring of her alarm with a groan, and a splitting headache. 7AM. Tentatively, she opens her eyes, but instantly closes them again as she’s met with a spinning room and a wave of nausea. Fucking Jesse, convincing her to go out on a Thursday night, knowing that neither of them had a day off until Saturday.

They’d stayed a little while longer, until the bell rang for the last round of drinks, when Jesse had gotten a call from Ezra, who was waiting outside in his car.

         “He speaks real highly of you, Ellie.”

         “Wait, really?” Ellie had scoffed, stumbling out of the bar, leaning against Jesse.

         “Well, he hasn’t really spoken about you much. So, for him, that’s high praise.” He’d laughed, and put an arm around her shoulders, steadying her as they made their way to their ride.

         Ellie tries to snooze her alarm, but hears the horse’s downstairs, pawing loudly at their gates, and she knows she has to get up and turn them out into their fields. The thought makes her want to vomit, cry, and then curl up and go back to sleep. Instead, she steels herself, and peels the duvet from her, kicking it down with her feet. Holy shit, it’s cold this morning. She’s going to fucking kill Jesse when she sees him.

         “C’mon, Ellie, one step at a time.”

         “I’m doing it! M’not a baby. I can walk up some stairs.”

         “Yeah, that’s why you tried to get into one of the horse’s stalls and go to sleep.”

         “I thought it was my bedroom.”

         “I bet you did. You’re something else, Ellie-bear.”

         “Don’t call me that. You suck.”

         Soon, she’s dressed in dirty jeans and a hoodie that definitely doesn’t smell as fresh as it should, and she’s running downstairs, making a beeline straight for the hose. She turns it on and pours it straight into her mouth. (No one’s around, okay?) She swears water has never tasted so good, but it does nothing to ease her head. She definitely shouldn’t be handling horses in this state, but Ezra would have her head if he got here and the horses weren’t out. She gets started, putting the halters on each of the horses and leading them out to their respective paddocks. When Ezra pulls onto the ranch just after noon, she’s mucked out the stalls and changed their waters, and he seems pleased by her progress, at least for her condition, and hands her a brown bag. She looks at him, puzzled.

         “What’s this?”

         “For your head. No doubt it’s giving you grief this morning.”

         Ellie grimaces, but doesn’t argue, and takes the bag. “Thanks.”

         He nods, making his way through the barn to the office, next to the stairs leading to the loft, and shuts the door behind him. Ellie bites the top of the brown bag, as she wheels the barrow out of the back of the barn, to the muck heap and empties it. She can deal with haying the horses later when she brings them in from the field. For now, she is salivating, the smell from the bag is smelling way too heavenly and is way too close to the proximity of her face. Her stomach is growling, and her head is pounding, and she feels like she’s about to pass out, the morning’s work catching up with her. She walks out onto the front drive, towards Firefly, and clambers over into the bed of her truck. As soon as her butt hits the metal of the truck, Ellie opens up the bag and inside is literally the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen. Ezra did not hold back; fried potato pancakes, grilled tomato omelette and something she doesn’t recognise (but that still smells heavenly), in between toasted and buttered sourdough bread. Ellie isn’t proud of the way she devours it, but she can’t bring herself to care. Holy shit, it tastes so fucking good, she feels like she’s having an orgasm but in her mouth. 

         “Enjoying that, I see.”

         “Oh my god-” Ellie chokes on her food. “Why do you always do that?”

         “Do what?” Dina’s face is the picture of innocence as she opens the back of Firefly and climbs in to sit next to Ellie. The red-head doesn’t think much of it, she’s used to Dina’s brashness, and scoots over to give the darker-haired girl some room.

         “Ezra made you the full Jewish breakfast, I see.”

         Ellie is in the middle of another bite, and just looks up at Dina, grinning at the other girl as she’s bitten off more than she can chew.

         “You’re fucking gross.” Dina’s smirking at her. “He put cholent in it, he must really like you.”

         “Sholend?” Ellie asks through a full mouthful.

         “Oh my god.” The other girl is laughing now, and she hits Ellie lightly on the shoulder, making her chortle as she tries to chew through the huge mouthful.

         “Cho-lent. It’s a kind of stew, with meats and vegetables, but if you simmer it enough, you can do a lot with it. Is it good?”

         Ellie nods, and then looks down at it, longingly. Slowly, she offers it out to Dina, her eyes looking as if she’s sending a loved one out to war, and the other girl lets out a loud snort of laughter. 

         “I’m good. Besides, you probably needed it after last night.”

         Ellie rolls her eyes and groans as she swallows. “Let me guess. Jesse told you.”

         Dina cocks an eyebrow. “Ellie, you told me. You called me last night.”

         Ellie deadpans, and then it all comes back to her in a rush of force.

         “Ellie? It’s like one in the morning.”

         “You s-sound pretty awake.”

         A quiet laugh through the phone. “I do, yeah. Wait, are you drunk?”

         Stammering from Ellie’s end. “N-no. Maybe. Why, is it obvious?”

         “Oh, my God. You’re drunk.” Dina is laughing, and it’s breathy. Ellie guesses everyone is asleep in the house. “Let me guess, you went to the cowboy bar.”

         “How did you-”

         “It’s Jesse’s favourite place.”

         “Oh. Right. Did… did you ever go there with him?”

         “Once or twice. Why?”

         “M’ just wondering.” It’s quiet for a moment. “What are you doing up?” Drunk Ellie felt talkative, apparently.

         “Not much. Thinking. I don’t sleep well. It’s too quiet.”

         “Do you wanna switch? Maybe the sound of horses shitting all night can keep you company.” Dina lets out a loud laugh then, catching them both by surprise, and Ellie feels a giddy smile take over her face after making Dina laugh like that. She has a pretty laugh.

         “I think I’m good.”

         They’re quiet for a moment, they do this a lot, but it’s nice. Ellie can hear Dina breathing, and it makes her giggle. Fucking giggle.

         “What’s so funny?”

         “Nuthin’. We were just talking about you tonight.”

         “Really?” Dina sounds amused as hell. “What were you saying about me?”

         “I can’t remember.”

         “Can you not remember, or do you just not wanna tell me?”

         Dina’s met with silence and greets it with another melodic laugh. It’s comforting, and Ellie can feel her eyes drooping. 

         “Why did you wanna know if I’d gone to the bar with Jesse?”

         “Ellie?”

         Click.

“Oh, my god, I am so-” 

Dina’s resting her head on the back window of Firefly, her face turned up to the sun with her eyes closed, as she lets out an amused hum.

“It’s okay, you were cute.” Cute? 

“Yeah, or fucking embarrassing.”

“Nah, I say cute.” Dina’s got one eye open now, squinting at Ellie through the sun, and Ellie looks back at her, an embarrassed grimace on her face. The light hits Dina’s face just right, illuminating half of it, while her hair tumbles down her back. She’s got it down today. Ellie doesn’t think she’s ever seen Dina with her hair down. Her grimace melts into a smile. 

“How’s Shimmer?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Yeah?” Dina’s raising one of her eyebrows again. Fuck, Ellie’s hungover.

“ Good . She’s good. She had her check-up two days ago, and everything we’ve been doing has been working. She looks great too, so, yeah. She’s good.” Ellie’s looking at her hands now, playing with her fingers, as if she had rings on them. Looking at her fern tattoo and tracing the way it envelops her wrist. Looking. Looking anywhere but at the brown-eyed girl in front of her, who is sending her stomach into somersaults. It’s either Dina, or last night’s beer mixed with the sandwich she just ate. She can’t tell what’s the worst option.

“Would you wanna learn how to ride?”

Ellie looks up at that. “Shimmer?”

Dina hums again. “Eventually. For now, I was thinking of one of our trail ride ponies. I could teach you, and we could train Shimmer together.”

Ellie bites her lip. “I’d probably look stupid.” In front of you.

Dina nudges Ellie’s shoulder with her own. “Everyone does when they first start. That’s why you’ve gotta have a great teacher.”

Ellie grins. “Yeah, okay. When do you wanna start?”

Dina looks around, as if she’s working something out in her mind.

“Well, you’re finished with your chores for the morning, right?” When Ellie nods, she gives her a wide smile. “Why don’t we start n-”

A high-pitched squeal interrupts Dina’s train of thought. Scratch that, a familiar high-pitched squeal breaks through the slow atmosphere of the Friday afternoon. It’s followed by another familiar voice.

“Ellie! Where the fuck are you?”

Both girls are jolted out of their little bubble at the sound of Jesse’s voice, instantly perking up, searching for the location of the interruption. Jesse’s jogging out of Shimmer’s paddock, and Ellie’s eyes widen, her heartbeat pacing. Shimmer’s on the floor, and she’s frozen. Dina scrambles out of the truck, taking Ellie’s hand, and yanking her out of the truck bed behind her, forcing her to move.

“Jesse?” She calls out, both girls picking up the pace and running across the ranch to the paddocks. “What’s going on?”

Ellie’s got an iron tight grip on Dina’s hand, it’s the only thing stopping her from shaking. Jesse’s trying to coax Shimmer up, out of the paddock as the girls reach him.

“Dina, go get your old man. Tell him to get Marlene on the phone.”

Dina nods, and squeezes Ellie’s hand, gently removing it before sprinting into the house. Ellie’s looks at Jesse in alarm, crouching down to kneel next to Shimmer’s neck, taking her neck into her arms and resting it on her knees.

“What’s going on? Is she okay?”

“She’s foaling. We need to get her out of the paddock, into one of the stalls. Can you help me do that?” Ellie nods sharply, and Jesse hands her a halter from the fence, and she takes it, slowly easing it onto the mare’s head, who is letting out small, distressed noises.

Together, they coax her onto her feet, with Ellie talking to her in a high voice, gently tugging on the halter’s rope, pulling the mare up by her head. Jesse keeps the other horses away from her, and soon she’s up and walking slowly towards the direction of the barn. Shimmer tries to go down a couple of times, her legs shaky, but Ellie manages to get her into the first stall. Thank god she managed to clean them out in time. 

As soon as she gets into the stall, Shimmer starts circling, acting erratic and restless. Ellie must look like a dishevelled mess, or like she’s about to fucking bawl her eyes out, because Jesse puts a hand on her shoulder.

“This is normal, don’t worry. She’s gonna be fine.”

The stall gate is opening again, and Dina, Anita and Gabriel are all at the gate, with Dina coming into the stall with Jesse and Ellie, going straight for Shimmer’s neck. She’s got something in her hand. It’s a wet sponge, and she’s already dipping it in the water bucket and running it along Shimmer’s neck, which is slick with sweat. 

“Marlene’s on her way.” Gabriel says to Jesse, while Ellie rushes to Dina’s aid, taking the headband out of her bun without thinking, and tying up Shimmer’s hair with it to keep it off her neck. The next fifteen minutes feel like hours, with Shimmer constantly trying to lie down, and then get back up, and just swinging herself around the stall. Dina and Ellie are doing their best to soothe her, but she’s constantly looking and trying to nibble at her swollen side..

It’s not long before Marlene shows up, and immediately takes over, relieving the two girls. It’s another half an hour before Shimmer calms down, another five minutes after that until she actually goes into labour. The whole process, to Ellie’s surprise, takes around twenty minutes for the foal to actually be delivered. It’s horrific, seeing a hoof come out covered in a sac like a fucking egg, but Ellie is fascinated. She’s even more astonished when Marlene hands her a pair of gloves and tells her to grab onto one of the hooves and support the head and help her to pull the foal gently out.

“Put that foot in front, and make sure that the head is down.” Ellie complies, her heart racing, her hands slightly shaking. Marlene tells her that if it’s too much for her, Dina can step in, but Ellie shakes her head firmly, her resolve hardening. Jesse and Dina are sitting down in the stall next to Shimmer, soothing her and stroking her around her top half to keep her calm, while Anita and Gabriel are leaning against the stall gate. Ellie and Marlene are working together now, with Ellie pulling gently, and Marlene correcting the position of the foal.

“It’s almost here.” Marlene whispers to Ellie, and she readjusts herself to prepare. The whole barn is tense for a few minutes, silent except for the quiet tones between Marlene and Ellie, and then suddenly Shimmer is moving, and everyone is jumping back, and the foal fucking slides out. Ellie wants to gag, but then Shimmer is going to get up, and she’s preoccupied ripping this skin off the foal to let it breathe. It’s head pokes out, and the foal looks up at her with its little eyes and she swears she is going to bawl like a child in front of all of these people. 

Jesse and Dina stick to the walls, edging their way out of the stable to give Shimmer and her new baby some room, while Shimmer is heaving herself up and walking around the stall. 

“Hey, little guy.” Ellie coos down to the foal, who is a little dark-chestnut baby. The foal shakily brings a tiny hoof up to support itself, and heaves itself up, but it takes a couple of times before it truly finds its footing. There are limbs flailing in every direction, but finally it’s standing, and everyone gasps as the foal gets itself up. Ellie’s hands shoot out to hold it up as its legs slide out, but Marlene gently takes Ellie’s hands away.

“He’s gotta learn to do it on his own.” He.

Undeterred, the little guy tries again, and he sticks the landing, wasting no time in frolicking over to his mom. Ellie looks up at the people around the barn, and they’re all a picture of ecstasy. Dina is practically beaming at her, her smile huge, and it tugs at Ellie. She looks at the new baby, and at Shimmer already nuzzling at him.

“You did an incredible job, Ellie.”

She turns to look at a composed Marlene, a stark contrast to Ellie, allout of breath and flushed. “Did your assistant not turn up or something? You must’ve been pretty desperate to ask me.”

“Are you kidding? I can do this with my eyes closed. I wanted to see if I was right about you.”

Ellie tilts her head, furrowing her brows. “Oh-kay. And were you?”

“Mm-hmm. Let me finish up here and we can talk in the house.”

Ellie nods, and leaves Marlene to it. As soon as she shuts the gate behind her, Dina throws herself into Ellie’s arms.

“I can’t believe you did that. That was incredible, Ellie.”

Ellie laughs, her chin resting on Dina’s shoulder, her arms coming tentatively around her waist to hug her back. “Thanks.”

Gabriel clears his throat as Dina doesn’t let go, and the smug smirk that appears on Jesse’s face makes Ellie want to scream, but instead she feels cold as Dina pulls away from the hug. Gabriel pats her on the back, and Ellie feels warm again.

“I think this is a cause for celebration. Let’s let Mama and her baby bond.”

~

As soon as they’d gotten into the house, Dina had taken Ellie into her room, given her fresh clothes and a towel, and shoved her into the bathroom. She didn’t even get a say in it, but she guesses that that right was revoked when she tracked birth juice all through the kitchen. She washes off the grime under the hot water, taking special care to scrub her hair, hands, and face. Her hangover was pumped out of her blood by adrenaline the moment she’d seen Shimmer on the floor, but now it’s wearing off, she’s feeling the effects of last night and today seep deep into her joints, brought on by the hot water. When she turns the shower off, she verbally groans. She wants a good night's sleep in an actual bed, not in the shitty one in the loft. Those sheets probably still reek of beer from last night. She tries not to think about it.

Instead, she pulls on the light grey sweatpants and blue hoodie with a sappy horse quote that Dina had given her and looks in the mirror. Instinctively, her hands come up to her hair, which falls loosely down around her neck. She never wears it down, it’s always in some sort of bun, or swept off her face, and she realises everyone saw it just hanging there. She cringes internally, and checks the cupboard underneath the sink for something, anything to tie her hair back with. 

Jackpot. 

She finds a pale yellow scrunchie, which for obvious reasons wouldn’t usually be her first choice of hair tie, but she doesn’t have much of a choice. She pulls the top half of her hair into a little bun to keep it out of her face and leaves the rest down to dry. When she emerges from the shower, Anita instantly takes her dirty clothes from her, and shushes Ellie when she protests.

“Marlene is here, she wants to talk to you.”

“Anita, I can do my-”

“She’s in the kitchen.”

Ellie just rolls her eyes and smiles. It’s weird how quickly they’ve all grown accustomed to her, and how quickly she’s softened to them all. But, again, if you asked her, she wouldn’t admit that. She pads into the kitchen, not even wanting to think about what she looks like in Dina’s girly clothes, and yellow hair scrunchie paired with an eyebrow slit, and takes a seat next to Dina at the table. She doesn’t even need to think about what she looks like, as Jesse’s just sniggering at her under his breath, and Dina keeps giving her side glances, her face full of something that makes Ellie’s heart quicken. When their faces meet, both of their bodies vibrate silently, and when Ellie shoots looks their way, full-blown laughter threatens to stumble out. Fucking children . Marlene is sat opposite them, and Gabriel and Jesse are between them all. Apparently at one point Ezra appeared too, and he’s making coffee for everyone. Oh, and he’s adding whiskey too. It’s that kind of afternoon, and Ellie can’t say she’s mad about it.

“You must be exhausted, I heard you had quite the night last night too. I didn’t realise you wanted roommates.” Gabriel lets out a deep chuckle, obviously very entertained.  Ellie’s glad someone is because she feels like she’s just been hit by a truck. Everyone’s laughing at her now, and she just smiles along with it, her head bent over.

“God, please don’t remind me. It’s been a hectic couple of days.” She turns to Marlene. “How is she?”

“She was doing good; I’ve left them alone to bond uninterrupted for a while. I’ll probably stick around for a couple hours or so just to check up on them, but then it’s up to you guys to check on her and her foal regularly throughout the night.”

“Why, is something wrong?” Dina bristles at that, her hands coming to rest on the table.

“No, just a precaution. She was suffering with some malnourishment during the pregnancy, and it’s too early to tell if that’s affected the foal yet, so you’re going to have to check on them every few hours to make sure she’s letting him feed, and he’s getting what he needs.”

Dina nods, and looks at Ellie, unsure. “I can do this on my own tonight, if you wanted some time to catch up on sleep. Then you can do it while I’m at school.”

Ellie furrows her brows. “No, I’ll help. This is every night then, I take it?”

Marlene nods. “For the first few weeks, at least.”

“Do you think you girls can handle that?” Gabriel asks them, concern clear in his voice. 

Ellie and Dina nod fervently, and then look at each other, shyness finding its way into their expressions. They’ve both formed a strong attachment to this horse, and they both know it.

“Great. That’s settled. Ellie, will you see me out?” Marlene smiles politely, but her eyes are saying something more.

“Uh, sure.” Dina shoots her a look as Marlene leaves the table, and she just shrugs back, following the woman out of the shutter door.

When they get onto the porch, Marlene turns to Ellie.

“Do you still have my card?” 

Ellie nods.

“Use it. I know you didn’t finish high school.” Ellie goes to interrupt, indignation clear on her face, but Marlene holds her hands up. “Don’t be mad at Gabriel, I asked. How did you feel doing that today, with Shimmer?”

Ellie squints at Marlene, not quite trusting herself to open her mouth just yet.

“Because you had a knack for it, Ellie. You were calm when you had to be, you were quick when it was necessary. Not to mention you were the one who got Shimmer here in the first place, and who discovered she was pregnant.”

Ellie still isn’t speaking, so Marlene continues. “I want you to come to the clinic. Just try it out. Come and pick up a few shifts a week. Start with booking appointments, helping the vets prep the animals, learning basic veterinary skills.”

“And then what?” Ellie’s voice is hoarse now. Her heart is starting to race again.

“How about we just start there? What do you say?”

Ellie looks over Marlene’s shoulder at the barn, and her mind runs through the events of the past few hours, how incredible they were. She’s never experienced anything like it. Marlene is asking for a commitment, for a standard, she’s asking for a trial. After today, Ellie owes her at least that.

She nods. “Okay. Okay, I’ll do it.”

~

Satisfied, Marlene had said goodbye, and had walked over to the barn, leaving Ellie standing barefoot on the porch. She hadn’t gone in straight away, her mind needed time to process, and her pulse needed time to calm the fuck down. She’d gone inside after a couple of minutes, and instantly, she was transported into a fucking different universe, for a lack of a better way to describe it. Anita had started cooking dinner, and the whole kitchen had smelled heavenly when she walked in. Gabriel had handed her a cup of coffee, and she’d tasted the burn of whiskey and honey in the dark liquid as she had taken a sip. It was incredible. Dina and Ellie had started peeling potatoes, while Joel and Gabriel had left to discuss some of the new arrangements and finances for a new foal. It was like something out of one of those shitty re-run sitcoms you see on tv, except it was happening to Ellie. She was in fresh clothes, a yellow fucking scrunchie, living on a horse farm, peeling potatoes. This kind of shit didn’t happen to Ellie, this isn’t even something she ever could’ve dreamt of, and she savours every second of it. She savours Anita’s perfume, the smell of coffee throughout the kitchen, the soft potatoes in her hand as Dina tries to put potato peel in her hair. Dina’s laugh as she does it, and the twinkle in her eyes as Ellie pulls faces in response. The close proximity of Dina, whose chair is scraped up right next to Ellie’s, whose shoulder is bunched up next to Ellie’s, whose hands are so close to Ellie’s that their knuckles are brushing. It’s setting Ellie’s skin on fire, and she can’t tell why.

Dinner’s not ready too long after, and even Ezra has joined them for dinner. The atmosphere at dinner is always happy, pleasant, or at worst polite. (It’s become a done thing now, Ellie’s presence at dinner every night. It’s another thing that if Ellie spends too much time thinking about it, her brain threatens to explode.) But tonight, it’s… it’s different. It’s like they’re proud of her. Ellie’s not going to kid herself, she’s never going to truly belong there, she’s never going to be a part of their family, and she wouldn’t want to be. She’s survived this long on her own fine, and having loved ones is having collateral. But, for now, she’s content. 

After dinner, Ezra goes to check on the foal on his way home, so that the girls can have their evening. They’re all sitting in the living room, drinking the last of the coffee, and just enjoying each other’s company. Ellie’s sitting with her legs pulled up into her, her hands wrapped around a coffee cup. Dina’s almost cuddled into her, wrapped in a blanket, and it’s almost too much for Ellie to handle. She really is a princess, and the thought makes Ellie laugh more than it should, considering how they first met. Jesse excuses himself for an early night, and Ellie gets up to leave with him, until Dina lightly touches Ellie’s leg.

“Did you wanna… maybe watch a movie or something?” She sees Ellie’s expression, and falters. “Actually, scratch that. You’re probably tired from today, and-”

“No,” Ellie nods her head slowly, slightly tilting it. “I’ll watch a movie.” 

It’s silent for a beat, and Ellie can’t put her finger on the feeling that just flitted over the room. Jesse’s rolling his eyes, and Ellie resists the urge to flip him off. But Gabriel and Anita are quiet, their eyes going between the two girls, until Gabriel smiles at them.

“That’ll be nice. You two have to be up in a few hours to check on the foal, too. You can do it together.”

Ellie nodded. He had a point; they might as well stay together until they had to go check. Dina had the same sentiment and got up from the couch. “We’ll watch a movie in my room, then. We’ll see you out first, Jesse.”

“Nah, I’ve got it. Have fun.”

Dina shrugs, and leads Ellie out of the room. Ellie walks past Jesse, and to her surprise, he pats her on the back, and the action takes her by surprise. Her eyebrows shoot up into her hairline, but they soften at Jesse’s expression. And then he ruins it.

“Keep the door open, use protection.”

Once she’s out of sight of Dina’s parents, she flips him off. 

He just laughs, the asshole.

~

“How the fuck have you never seen Jurassic Park?”

“Ellie, I wasn’t allowed to watch TV until I was like, 14.”

“Okay, I get that, but Jurassic Park?” 

         They’re on Dina’s bed, blankets over them, scrolling on Dina’s old laptop, trying to illegally download movies without the whole damn thing exploding. It’s pretty weird, because for the loud-mouthed, confident girl that Dina is, she’s actually pretty… funny? Kinda shy? Maybe shy is taking it too far, but the more Ellie’s gotten to know her over the course of the last couple months, the more she’s realised it’s all a bit of an act. Ellie guesses she’s guilty of that too, they’re a lot more similar than she originally would have thought. If you’d have asked her if they could ever get along after they’d have first met, she would have laughed in your face and told you to go fuck yourself.

         “Okay, Jurassic Park it is, I guess.” Dina rolls her eyes, bringing the laptop to rest on her lap as she finds a site to watch the movie on. When she’s satisfied that she finds one, she turns off the lights and they both get comfortable as the opening credits start to play. Ellie can’t lie to herself, she’s kind of excited, she hasn’t seen this movie in years, and it’s one of her all-time favourites. She first watched it with him. 

         They’re watching the movie, trying to find how to be comfortable around each other and also trying to listen because it’s a video of someone filming the actual screen in a theatre. It’s weird, because before today, Ellie would never have called the two girl’s friends. They had started to get along lately, sure, even starting to become comfortable around each other, but they hadn’t hung out together like this before. Besides the party, which Gabriel had insisted that Dina bring Ellie along to, the only times they really saw each other was at dinner times and in passing when Ellie was working and Dina was with the horses. Ellie spent most of her days with Ezra and Jesse. So, now, with them sitting so close next to each other, Ellie is just  exploring the idea that she could be dreaming, that she’s not actually in Dina’s room, watching a movie when talking that definitely isn’t in the script starts blaring through the laptop.

         “Wait, is this dude like, discussing the movie?” Ellie’s eyebrows are in her hair.

         Dina listens again and lets out an astonished laugh as the guy filming whispers excitedly offscreen; “This is the best bit, guys!”

         Ellie’s laughing, her chin resting in her hand, her throat vibrating. “Dina, out of all of the millions of sites out there, this is the one you chose.”

         Dina rolls her eyes, and smacks Ellie lightly with a pillow. “I’m a horse girl, Ellie, I don’t understand technology.” She goes to try and close down the site with her other hand, but Ellie has other ideas.

“Hey!” Ellie shields herself from the pillow attack, looking back at the screen. “I think we should keep it on, he’s kinda funny.”

Dina puts down the pillow and moves the laptop to the end of the bed, lying on her front in front of the screen, her chin resting in her palms. Ellie shrugs and follows suit, and presses play again. They actually watch the rest of the movie like that, and it’s fucking hilarious hearing this dude’s reactions. He’s swearing, coming up with chaotic conspiracy theories, and his reactions alone send the two girls into hysterics. At one point, he gets told to shut up by a woman in front of him and Dina laughs so hard that she has to bury her face in Ellie’s shoulder blade, and Ellie feels her snorting into her back. It sends Ellie into reels of laughter, and they have to try and keep it down, so they don’t disturb the rest of the house. Ellie and Dina come up with their own conspiracies, debating them throughout the film, and even though Ellie knows the ending, she finds herself coming up with crazy ideas anyway. She finds herself enjoying the film a lot more than she has any other time she’s watched it. Apart from the first time. 

Once the film ends, and Dina’s ranted about the ending for about 20 minutes, getting all up in Ellie’s face and personal space to do so (which Ellie doesn’t mind, seeing Dina just let loose is fun to watch), they realise it’s like, almost midnight and they both have to be up in a few hours to check on the foal. The thought of going back to the loft after she’s spent the last few hours here in hoodies and blankets makes Ellie’s blood run cold, but she goes to make a move anyway.

“You could probably just stay here. We have to go check on the foal together, anyway.”

Ellie’s mouth forms an ‘oh’, and Dina’s tucking a strand of dark hair behind her ear, not quite making eye contact with Ellie.

“Uh, okay. Shall I go sleep on the couch?”

Dina rolls her eyes. “Don’t be an idiot, stay in here.”

Oh.

“Just, please don’t say you’re a cuddler.”

Ellie lets out a strangled laugh at that. “No, you’re all good.”

Dina shuts the laptop and sets it on the ground. She then dives into the covers, making herself comfy, and Ellie slips in next to her, and audibly gasps when she brings the covers right up to her chin.

“Oh my God, this bed is insane.”

         Ellie can’t see Dina’s face anymore, her eyes haven’t adjusted to the dark, but she hears Dina let out a breathy chuckle. Her voice is a lot nearer to Ellie’s ear than she thought it would be.

         “The attic bed not luxurious enough for you?” Dina teases.

         “Hey, I wasn’t complaining!” she whispers, feigning outrage.

         “Whatever.” Dina scoffs and rolls over, facing away from Ellie. She can still feel the other girl’s warmth, but she follows suit and turns over, puffing up her pillows to get comfortable. It’s quiet for a couple moments, only the sound of two girl’s breathing audible, and the crinkling of the duvet as their chests rise and fall. Dina breaks it, her voice barely a whisper.

         “Goodnight, Ellie.”

         “Night, Dina.”

Chapter Text

“Actually, kiddo, this was way before my time.”

“No fuckin’ way,” the young girl laughs, leaning forward from the backseat of their wagon, pushing the older man out of the way, to get to the radio. 

“Jesus, watch what you’re doin’.” He bats her away, and she dodges, climbing over the seats to sit in the front next to him. She slides the tape into the stereo, and it envelops it, suddenly playing out a twang of country music, with a young voice, and it sounds weird.

“What the fuck is this?”

“It’s better than nothing, baby girl.”

“Hm, true.” She looks at him, grinning, and he grins back. 

The girl looks out of the window, at the tall trees and highway, and all of the colours that blend into one unfocused blur as the car speeds down the road with a force she can’t quite believe. It’s late morning, she’s learnt how to tell by the position of the sun, and she rolls the window down, resting her head on her arms against the car door, the early morning chilled air biting her skin instantly. It wakes her up, refreshes her instantly. Her hair is tied back, but the wind rushes through it anyway, and she breathes it all in. She’s content, happier than she’s been in a long time. She’s safer than she’s been in a long time. She stays like that for a long time, until she feels herself becoming restless, eager to reach their destination.

“Where are we even going anyway, old man?”

She turns round to face the older man, and her smile vanishes, that once calm feeling violated into a feeling of absolute terror. The man that taught her how to swim, how to play guitar, how to ride a fucking bike, isn’t the man sat next to her. This one has a slack jaw, a cold expression, and he’s not even holding on to the wheel.

“Joel? Joel!” She grabs onto the wheel, panic building in her chest, tears forming in her eyes. “Joel, wake up!”

He’s just looking at her, with expressionless eyes, and she sees her own terrified eyes reflected back in his. “Joel, take the fucking wheel!” 

         They’re speeding down a mountain path, she’s not even sure how they got here, when he starts spluttering, gargling, and she screams. Thick, clotted blood erupts from his mouth, a strangled cry escaping from his throat. It coats her, her hair, her skin, her clothes, and she’s screaming. She can’t stop screaming.

         “No,” she’s sobbing. “This isn’t happening. Joel, fucking get up!” She slaps his face, her other hand still desperately clamped onto the wheel, her knuckles white. Blood is spraying from his mouth now, spraying the entirety of the car’s interior, and it’s running from his eyes, his ears. She can’t hear over the sound of her own screams. She looks in the side mirror, and she’s met with an older face, that’s familiar but she doesn’t recognise it, with her own red-hair and freckles, but more defined of a jaw, and blood trickling down her face. She can see Joel in the reflection too, blood now pouring from holes through his shirt, and she’s hysterical. She has to get to a hospital, or somewhere safe, off this road. It’s gotten dark, all of a sudden.

         Leaning over even more and grabbing the steering wheel with both hands, she keeps her eyes on the road. They’re coming down the mountain, and she’s struggling to see through the red haze in her eyesight, until she sees two blinding white beams. They look like headlights, but she can’t be sure, bringing a hand up to her eyes to shield some of the light and get a clearer picture. 

         “Joel, stay with me.” She takes a quick glance at him, his breath coming out strained, his eyes bloodshot. “You’ve got to tell me what to do. Fuck.”

         She turns back round to the road, but it’s a second too late. Those white beams are in front of her now, and the sound of a horn is blaring, Everything is too much, it’s overwhelming, and scary, and real and the sound is coming from a huge fucking truck and it’s right in front of them and holy shit it-

         “Ellie-” The older guy gargles her name, butchering it.

         “Ellie-”

         “Ellie!” Ellie wakes up screaming, sweat glistening over her skin, tears streaming down her face. Her chest is tight, her head is pounding, and she can’t fucking breathe. 

         “Hey, I’ve got you, I’ve got you. You’re safe.” She feels a pair of arms snake around her neck, and she’s buried into a soft body, to which she clings onto. She still can’t breathe, but the scent of chamomile is familiar and comforting, and she buries her face to breathe it in.

         “Just breathe, Ellie. Breathe. You got this.” Ellie feebly clings on, as her breath comes back to her, albeit laboured. “That’s it, just in and out.”

         Ellie starts sobbing again, fresh tears streaming down her face, and the cycle starts again, her breath being taken from her once more. All she can picture is cold skin, a slack jaw, and she can’t stop fucking shaking. But those arms don’t let up, they stay strong and warm around her, and she stays clinging onto them. It’s a fucking while before she can properly breathe again, and even longer until she can stop crying. But that voice keeps whispering to her, keeps talking her through it, and the scent of chamomile lulls her. 

         “Hey, you okay?” A hand is stroking the top of her head gently now, a chin resting on it. She’s still shaking, her teeth chattering, her skin covered in goosebumps, but she’s calmer now, the image slowly fading, replaced by darkness. She can’t picture anything else right now, she doesn’t know what other tricks her mind has up its sleeve.

         She’s quiet for a couple of minutes, slowly loosening her grip, and she finally looks up into a pair of familiar brown eyes. Dina’s expression is uncharacteristically tender, and she hasn’t let go of Ellie, until the red-head coughs awkwardly, and she releases her, a sad smile stretched across her face. 

         “Do you wanna talk about it?” Ellie shakes her head, and she looks towards the window, no light peeking through. It’s still dark outside, she realises.

         “What time is it?” Her voice comes out weak, her throat hoarse.

         “A little past four.” Dina whispers back. “I thought we could check on the foal for the last time together.”

         Ellie nods, letting out a shaky breath. “Okay, let me throw on some clothes.”

         “Sure. I’ll be downstairs.” Dina says, getting up from Ellie’s crumpled sheets. She seems reluctant, or anxious, to leave; she gives Ellie a second look as she walks downstairs, and Ellie’s left alone in the quiet loft. As soon as Dina is in the barn, she takes a deep breath in, holds it, and then releases it. She does this a couple times, and she slowly feels less lightheaded, more grounded. She’s been having these nightmares for a couple weeks now, ever since the foal was born, but they’ve never been that intense, that real. 

         Ellie rubs her eyes, willing herself awake; she’s exhausted in every possible way. Pulling on a pair of tracksuits, Dina’s jumper she still hadn’t managed to give back (it was the closest thing to her, okay?), and her converse, she takes another deep breath, closing her eyes. 

         “You’re fine. You’re okay.” She whispers to herself. “Fuck.” She lets out a sharp breath, devoid of all humour, as she looks in the small mirror on the top of her drawers. She looks like shit. She’s got puffy eyes, swollen cheeks, and her hair is a fucking mess, chestnut strands sticking up every which shitting way. She attempts to smooth it down, re-tying it into a low bun, but it still looks wild. Ellie knows that’s as good as she’s going to get, and she can’t bring herself to care. She hops down the stairs of the loft into the barn, the early morning air hitting her, bringing some colour into her cheeks. It’s nice.

         When she gets into the barn, Dina smiles at her, her eyes full of pity. Ellie looks away, she can’t stand that look. She’s seen it way too fucking much this year. Dina’s already turned the lights on at the end of the barn, so they walk side by side down to Shimmer’s stall, neither of them saying a word, the air too heavy after what had happened in the loft. Ellie hadn’t had an attack like that, not since Jesse had seen her after dinner, not since the accident. She doesn’t like people seeing her vulnerable, it changes the way they are around her, what they expect of her, and it makes her feel weak, embarrassed. If she were ever to be vulnerable in Seattle, it wouldn’t end well. There, to show your emotions was to show your hand, your weak spot. She hasn’t quite come around to the idea that it might not be like that here. She’s still keeping her cards close to her chest.

         When they get to the end stall, she peers over the gate, pulling open the bolt, and steps inside. Dina follows her, and Shimmer instantly saunters over to Ellie, nickering, nipping at her pockets. Ellie laughs.

         “Sorry girl, I’m all out.”

         She hears Dina laugh softly behind her, as the other girl kneels down at the foal, scratching it behind the ears. It leans against her, it’s spindly legs almost give way, and both girls laugh as it nudges Dina to keep scratching it.

         “We still haven’t given a name to the little guy.”

         Ellie hums in agreement, checking the water bucket.

         “They don’t have much hay left.” Ellie sniffs, and Dina just looks at her. 

“They had like four sections between them last night.”

“That was last night. It’s cold now.”

Dina laughs, rolling her eyes. “Oh my God, you’re like an overprotective Dad. They’re fine. You don’t wanna overfeed them.”

Ellie huffs. “If you say so.” 

Dina narrows her eyes at Ellie, who is looking anywhere but at her. Her eyes are glazed over, and she’s just staring at Shimmer, but she’s looking past her, into nothing. 

“Okay, you wanna tell me what ‘s going on with you?”

Ellie looks up, snapping out of it. She scowls. “Nothing’s going on with me.”

“Don’t even fucking try it, Ellie, I just saw you have a full-blown panic attack.”

Ellie’s head turns sharply to look Dina in the eyes, and her expression resembles that of a trapped animal, a deer caught in headlines. Dina’s demeanour softens, and she takes a seat on the mount of hay on the floor of the stable. The foal is nursing from Shimmer in the corner, and Ellie is just looking at them, her face unreadable.

Dina pats the hay next to her, and Ellie gives her a small smile, coming to sit next to her. They’re quiet for a couple moments, and Ellie doesn’t think that Dina’s going to push it anymore, until she hears the other girl take a deep breath, not too dissimilar from the one she took herself upstairs.

“Are you okay?” Dina looks at Ellie, who unsurprisingly, is looking at the floor, at her converse and Dina’s boots.

“It was just a nightmare.” She mumbles. Dina doesn’t seem satisfied with that, but she seems to accept it, going quiet.

“You’ve barely even looked at the foal, you know.”

Ellie scrunches her face, incredulity taking a stance on her expression. That shock comes to recognition as she realises that the other girl’s words are true. She’s barely given the little guy a second glance since she helped birth him, she’s been focused solely on Shimmer.

“It’s not on purpose,” she starts. “I just- He just-”

“You don’t have to tell me.” Dina smiles at her, and it twists her insides. Ellie sighs, knocking her head back, closing her eyes. She feels resigned, defeated. This shit isn’t letting up, the nightmares had been slowly terrorising her nights, and they’d created a dark cloud over her days. It was a fucking lot to deal with. Dina was right, she wasn’t talking, she wasn’t really sleeping, or eating. Jesse had even commented on that. She squeezes her eyes tight, the rumble it creates echoing in her head. She knows she’s being fucking ridiculous, they care, they want to help, but Ellie can’t handle that. It’s unfamiliar, and it leaves her open to being hurt, which fucking terrifies her. But, she also finds herself starting to trust the people around her, they’re good people, and she finds herself wanting to talk to Dina, wanting to talk to the person who held her that morning as she went through it, and that scares her even more. Her eyes are still screwed shut, and she’s leaning fully against the stable wall.

“I… I got in trouble with the law last year.”

Dina’s silent, she knows this is taking a lot from Ellie, that she should take what she can get from the red head, because she won’t get much more. Ellie keeps her eyes closed, taking a shaky breath.

“Something fucked up happened last year, and someone decided to comment on it, and I just- I saw red.” Dina’s still staying quiet, so Ellie continues. “I beat the shit out of him. He almost died. The court ordered me to do parole, I was eighteen when it happened. It’s why I’m here.”

She slowly opens her eyes, studying every part of Dina’s expression for some kind of disgust, or recoil, or anything that will confirm her fears. Instead, she finds a blank canvas, wide eyes. Dina is just looking at her, processing, and it makes Ellie shift amongst the hay, uncomfortable. She’s shivering again, not from the cold, but from expecting the worst. She can feel herself tensing up again, her brain threatening to go into overdrive, until Dina reaches out, gently touching her shoulder.

“Did he deserve it?”

Ellie breathes out, her voice coming out a whisper. “Yeah, he did.”

Dina squeezes. “Then fuck him.”

Ellie’s eyes are wide, and she scoffs. Dina wasn’t as much of a princess as she first let on, and Ellie can’t quite handle it on top of the morning’s events. She collapses against the wall again, laughing out loud, the tightness leaving her chest with every sound. Dina joins in, quieter, but still bright. They look at each other, and their laughs get louder. Ellie thinks they’re both kinda going insane, but she likes it. It’s poetic, in a fucked up kinda way.

“Okay, come on. Let’s go.” Dina gets up and reaches a handout. Ellie takes it.

“What? Go where?” Ellie raises an eyebrow.

“Ugh, just come on. You’ll see.” Dina still hasn’t let go of Ellie’s hand, and clearly isn’t planning to, as she leads her out of the stall and to the other end of the barn, near the office. She lets go of Ellie’s hand, reaches for a saddle and bridle, and then looks back at Ellie.

“Can you grab that saddle blanket? Oh, and a riding hat.”

Ellie does as she’s told, her palms sweating. “What are you doing, Dina?”

Mischief gleams in Dina’s eyes, and Ellie wants to curse the God that made this girl, because she’s going to be the death of her. She follows the darker-haired girl into another stall, Japan’s stable, and watches as the girl starts tacking up her horse. Realisation hits her.

“Oh, no, not happening. Don’t you have school in, like, a couple hours?”

Dina looks up at her, the picture of innocence. “That’s in a couple of hours.”

~

Ellie regrets every single decision she has ever made leading up to this moment. This moment, where she’s holding onto the reins for dear life, trying to lift this hat that’s definitely too big for her out of her eyes, while also trying to stay on top of this horse when he’s bouncing all over the goddamn place. And to top it off, Dina’s standing there in hysterics, watching Ellie try to ride this shit stain of a horse. 

“You’re a real natural.” She calls out, to which Ellie responds with the finger, eliciting more laughter from the other girl.

“Fuck you.” And then; “What am I doing wrong?”

Dina smiles, as Ellie trots round the small round pen on Japan. “Okay, well first, sit back and relax your shoulders. You won’t bounce as much. And put your goddamn hands down, you need to be able to steer him.”

Ellie concentrates, doing everything Dina asked, and she feels herself going with him rather than against the horse as he trots. He starts speeding up as her confidence grows, and she lets out a surprised sound.

“Shorten your reins, you need to feel some contact with his mouth, so that he knows you’re there and can’t run away with you. And stop hugging him with your feet, it’s confusing him.”

“Can horses even get confused?” Ellie grimaces, trying to slide her hands down the reins while also relaxing her shoulders, while also sitting up straight. Dina’s just smirking at her, the smug princess making her comeback.

“Yeah, your leg is what tells him to go, and your reins are what controls him and tells him to stop. So, don’t be a dick.”

“Hey!” Ellie laughs, but she’s getting it. She sits back into her seat, putting her weight behind her, and it feels a lot more comfortable. She’s doing it.

“Oh my God, I’m riding a fucking horse, this is awesome!”

Dina laughs. “Do you wanna try a canter? Just give him a little kick and go with him. Don’t tense up.” 

Ellie takes a deep breath, looking at the back of Japan’s fluffy ears.

“Okay, good pony, I’m not Dina, please don’t run off with me.”

She gives his stomach a slight squeeze with her feet, and he transitions into a canter. It’s a weird feeling, it’s faster but smoother, but also a lot more jolted than she expected. It takes a few strides, but she finds herself going with the motion, her posture naturally straightening out. She feels like she’s fucking gliding, her hair is flying everywhere and Dina’s whooping.

“Now that’s what I’m talking about! I told you we’d have you riding in no time.”

Ellie’s on a high, a shit-eating grin plastered across her face, when Dina suddenly curses. “ Fuck, I didn’t even realise the time.”

Ellie pulls gently on the reins, signalling Japan to come back to a walk, and he comes back to her smoothly. Ellie turns him into the middle, next to Dina, and swings her leg over to dismount.

“Go and get ready, I’ll untack him.”

Dina looks at her, brows furrowed. “Are you sure? I mean, I dragged you out here.” She goes to take Japan's reins from Ellie, who bats her hand away, laughing.

“Just go, I’ll deal with it.”

Dina nods, hesitating slightly, but then is running across the drive to the house, and it makes Ellie chuckle. She looks at the horse to her right, who is nuzzling against her, and her smile gets even wider.

“Is someone itchy?” She coos, scratching his head underneath the leather bridle, and he responds by tilting his head towards her, pushing it into her body. “That’s a good boy, come on, let’s get this off you.”

Twenty minutes later, she’s taken all of the tack from Japan and hung it up, washed off the sweat with warm water, and is leading him out of the barn when Dina runs out of the house, swinging her backpack on her shoulders.

“ Wait!” She screams, and Ellie looks in her direction to see the school bus pulling away from down the road. She looks to the horse next to her, his ears pricked forwards, and grins as a lightbulb pings bright in her mind. How hard can this be? Looking around her for something she can stand on, she spots an old tractor, and she leads Japan over to it, using it to give her some height to be able to jump over Japan’s back, swinging her body round to sit straight on him. Looping the rope through a gap in the halter, she makes a makeshift set of reins and kicks him off. He jumps up with a start and canters down the ranch; it’s different without a saddle, and holy shit, Ellie was not expecting to feel like she was about to go flying, this shit was a lot bumpier bareback, but Japan’s gait was smooth enough that she could sink her weight into his back, and stay upright.

“Dina! Jump on!” She calls out, and the girl’s eyes light up. She lets out a laugh of absolute amazement, and Ellie wishes she had a camera to capture Dina’s expression, it’s truly priceless.

Ellie moves forward onto his shoulders to give the other girl some space, and Dina effortlessly puts both hands onto Japan’s rear, jumping on to his back and swinging her body round a lot more gracefully than Ellie did just a few moments ago. Of fucking course, she did, show off. Dina snakes her arms around Ellie’s waist, and Ellie kicks him on, which Japan takes gleefully, his ears going forward, his hooves thundering down the drive out of the ranch. Ellie whoops, while Dina laughs, squeezing onto Ellie, her breath hot in the girl’s ear. 

“What the fuck has gotten into you? You’re amazing!” She sounds breathless, and Ellie can relate, she feels dizzy in the best possible way.

Ellie shrugs, smirking, trying to conceal an even bigger smile. They’re literally flying down the dirt path, their legs hugging tight onto Japan’s stomach, both of them holding on tight until they pull up next to the bus. They’re shouting out now, for the driver to stop.

“Hey! Hey, over here!” Dina’s shouting, and her laugh is electric. Ellie’s got goosebumps again, but these make her feel like she’s on fire, not like she’s drowning. The driver notices them, their jaw dropping, and they slow down the bus, bringing it to a stop. Japan slows too as Ellie leans back in her seat, and Dina can’t stop laughing. Without thinking, she squeezes Ellie tighter, kissing her cheek, and jumps down from her horse, running onto the bus as the doors are opened. Ellie watches her run down to sit next to her friends, Anna, and Anthony wave at her through the window, and Dina looks out the window at her, flushed and still grinning. She mouths thank you through the window, and Ellie can still feel her cheek burning as the bus shuts its door and pulls away. She looks down to Japan, who’s snorting from the rush of adrenaline, and pats his neck, I feel you, boy. Dina’s a fucking whirlwind, and everything inside of Ellie is racing, her blood pumping in her ears. They’re both breathing hard, and Ellie sighs, content, as she turns him around and trots back up to the ranch.

When she gets back up to the farm, Jesse’s coming out of the house, with a mug of coffee in his hand, and he raises an eyebrow at her.

“Quite a show you put on there.” The implications are obvious, and Ellie doesn’t miss them, rolling her eyes. She’s still in her track pants and Dina’s hoodie, which makes her face burn.

“Shut the fuck up.” She gives him the finger, and he smirks, looking at her outfit and taking a swig of coffee.

“I didn’t say anything. Now hurry up, we don’t have much time this morning. Go put your girlfriend’s horse in the stables.”

“Oh, my God.” Ellie mutters, jumping down from Japan, leading him into the paddock. Jesse was going to get an earful later.

~

         “Early morning?”

         Marlene glances up at Ellie from the small kitten on the tabletop, and Ellie blushes, embarrassed. They’re at the clinic, Ellie’s sitting in on a routine check of one of Marlene’s clients, and she’s watching her give vaccinations to a young kitten. It’s cute, and it keeps mewling at Ellie as she holds it still. The gloves she’s wearing must be cold.

         “Yeah, sorry. The little guy’s still keeping us pretty busy.”

         “He’s a couple weeks old now, you don’t need to check on him as much, you know.” Marlene’s packing up the medical supplies, that was their last client of the afternoon. Ellie had started coming to the clinic a couple times a week ever since the foal was born, and Marlene had been slowly letting her get more involved beyond receptionist duties. It was pretty fucking cool; Ellie had found herself looking forward to her shifts every week. Even if they came after a whole morning of her stable chores, it was a nice change of pace. 

         “I know, I think it’s just-”

         “I get it. They’re pretty cute, right?”

         Ellie gives a small smile, kicking at the floor. “Somethin’ like that.”

         Marlene smiles, disposing of the waste, and Ellie picks up the kitten gently, petting it as it purrs, and lifts it back into its cage. “There you go, little one.”

         She turns back to Marlene, who is looking at her with a strange look in her eyes. Ellie’s mind instantly looks down at herself, second-guessing everything. Marlene’s not a big talker, and that’s just fine with Ellie, but her looks are always heavy.  Ellie’s self-doubt manifests and has a field day with them.

         “How are you finding it here?”

         That hits Ellie by surprise, her head tilting, her brows sharp. That’s a loaded question if she’s ever heard one. And trust her, she’s definitely heard some.

         “Uh, it’s great. I like it.” She coughs. “A lot.”

         Marlene eases up, and her expression turns thoughtful. “Have you thought about what you’re gonna do once your parole is up?”

         Ellie takes a sharp breath in, it’s still a sensitive topic, a sore spot. “Uh, I haven’t.”

         “Have you ever thought about carrying on working with animals?”

         Ellie raises an eyebrow now, removing her clear gloves, and tossing them into the medical waste trash can. “Like…?”

         Marlene follows suit. “Like here. Have you ever thought about being a vet?”

         Ellie scoffs at that, tidying away the rest of the materials they used over the afternoon. “Yeah, sure that would be pretty cool. However, I never even finished high school.”

         Marlene shrugs, shrugging off her white overalls. “There are plenty of places around here to finish your GED.” Ellie removes hers too, and takes Marlene’s, and they both walk together to the staff room, to put them in the laundry basket. They get washed after every shift by the janitors.

         “That sounds like a pipe dream.” Ellie whispers as she’s loading the machine, so low that Marlene almost doesn’t catch it. But she does, and Ellie curses her for it, wanting to drop this conversation forever. She goes to grab her backpack and coat, but Marlene’s standing in front of her locker, and Ellie sighs, the tone weary. She’s exhausted.

“Marlene, I know you mean well, but-”

“ Ellie. I’m serious. You finish your high school diploma; you’ve got an instant job here. You’ve got serious potential.”

Ellie opens her mouth to retort, but clamps it shut instantly when she thinks about it. She hasn’t really thought much about what she’s going to do after Jackson, she spent the first weeks hating it, hating Dina, hating the work, but now she’s finding that she kinda likes it here. More than likes it. She feels safe here. She’s come to revel in the early mornings before anyone else is up, and it’s her and the horses, she loves Shimmer, she’s grown to really look forward to her shifts at the clinic. Not to mention, the friends she’s made in Jesse, and even Dina. To her surprise, the thought of never seeing Dina or Jesse again twists something inside of her, and it’s a dark feeling. She’s slowly getting used to a life of routine, and warm food, and hot showers, and laughter. Don’t get her wrong, it’s fucking terrifying, she’s always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for any resemblance of happiness to be ripped away from her because it always has been in her life. Maybe that explains why she hasn’t been able to get too close to the foal, she doesn’t want to corrupt it. To ruin it. But, maybe, just maybe this could be it, this could be something that fucking works. This could be something she had to grab with both hands before it was too late.

“Like, an actual job? With pay?”

Marlene laughs. “Yes, you’d begin on the starting wage, but if you then decided you wanted to start studying to be a vet, that could go up in a couple of years.”

“Dr. Williams.” Ellie’s eyes have glazed over, the words foreign in her mouth. “That sounds cool as fuck.”

“It does. It’s not easy, though, Ellie. It’s a lot of hard work, but it pays off.” Marlene’s eyes are twinkling, and they’re boring right into Ellie, but she finds she doesn’t mind. The thought of actually being able to make something of herself, to get the fuck out of Seattle, now that feels like a pipe dream. 

“I’ll think about it.” She nods, her mind full of possibilities and scenarios.

“That’s all I can ask from you. I’ll see you next week.”

Ellie walks out into the parking lot, waving at the older woman as she clambers into Firefly, and she roars into life. She can see Marlene watching her in her mirror as she drives away.

~

When she gets back, Ellie goes straight into the house, taking off her jacket and hoodie at the door, hanging them up on the hooks on the wall. The smell of fresh coffee and sugar greets her, enrapturing her instantly in a warm, comforting hug. She hadn’t had time to have a cup that morning, so she wastes no time going in for the kill. Anita’s in the kitchen, preparing dinner, and she smiles warmly as she spots Ellie, handing her a mug down from one of the cupboards.

“How was your shift?” Her voice is soft, gentle.

“It was good. I got to hold a little kitten.”

Anita laughs, the sound melodic. “Lovely. Sit down, sit down. I just made muffins.”

Ellie smiles, so that’s what she could smell. She takes a seat at the kitchen table, and Anita presents her with the most beautiful thing Ellie has ever seen in that moment. A fluffy muffin, with blueberry juice drizzled down the side, piping hot. Ellie is practically salivating, and half of the sweet treat is gone in seconds. She moans, it’s a whole experience.

“Goodness, Ellie, it’s like you’ve never eaten before. I hope my husband isn’t working you too hard.”

Ellie coughs, laughing through her mouthful. She swallows and grins sheepishly at Anita.

“Sorry. I didn’t have time to eat this morning.”

Anita just smiles at her, hesitating, but then pats her head. Ellie melts at the touch, it pulls on her chest. “Don’t apologise, this is your home too.”

Ellie just stays quiet, munching away at the rest of the muffin, and taking big gulps of black coffee. It’s heavenly. She doesn’t notice that Anita has stopped cooking and is looking at her, until Dina’s mother clears her throat, and Ellie sets down her mug.

“I wanted to apologise to you. I’ve been meaning to for a while, but… I didn’t realise that your… circumstances weren’t common knowledge when you first got here. I hope you know that you’ve got a home here.”

Ellie’s silent, her eyes wide, her breath halted. Dina’s mother has her big, kind eyes, looking at the red head with the same tenderness that Dina had that very morning, and it’s too much for Ellie. She looks back down to her mug, playing with the handle.

“It’s fine, Anita, please don’t worry about it.”

Anita takes a seat next to her then, and she takes one of Ellie’s hands. “Really, Ellie, I want you to know in the few months you’ve been here, you’ve become part of the family. Gabriel loves you, and Dina doesn’t stop talking about you. You make this house brighter.”

She doesn’t?

“You are always welcome here.”

Ellie goes to say something, fuck knows what she could possibly reply to something like that when all she wants to do is sob, when Gabriel and Jesse walk into the kitchen, no doubt coming from the office, and their eyes light up as they spots Ellie.

“Ah, it’s the girl of the hour.” Jesse winks at her, and Ellie’s face burns.

“Leave her alone,” Anita warns, her voice full of humour as she fixes both men mugs of coffee and muffins, which they take gratefully. 

She looks across the small kitchen table at Gabriel, who has a file full of papers in his hand, and she instantly recognises the logo, and it makes her palms sweat. St. Mary’s Foster Home. 

“What is that?” she blurts out, and Gabriel’s eyes are alarmed, until he realises what she’s talking about, and they soften.

“Relax, Ellie. I was just coming to find you to. Your probation officer called, he’s arranged a visit to come out here and check on you next week. It’s just a routine check, to see how you’re getting on here.” Gabriel explains, but it does nothing to ease the tension that’s taken over her body. Jesse notices.

“No doubt to check if you’re causing any trouble,” he smirks at her, and she offers a weak smile back.

“Little chance of that, you keep me too busy.”

The four of them share a laugh, and Gabriel takes a sip of coffee, looking at Ellie. He takes Anita’s hand, and they both have this look in their eyes, and Ellie knows what’s coming. She knows they’re going to reject her, tell her it was nice to have her, but that they want her to move out as soon as her probation is up, and she steels herself, waiting for it.

But instead, they ask how she’s doing.

“What?” She asks, eloquent as fuck, she might add

“Do you like it here?” What is up with the adults around here asking her this?

         “Um-” she doesn’t even get a chance to speak, her bewildered expression eliciting a chuckle out of Jesse, who shakes his head at her idiocy.

         “We want you to stay, man. You can stop sweating.”

         Ellie’s head turns sharply to Jesse, letting out a sharp breath. “What?”

         “Oh my god, you’re a tool.”

         “Jesse-” Gabriel interrupts, and Ellie can’t do anything but just blink, watching this scene unfold on what was already the weirdest fucking day.

         “We just want you to know, that no matter what you decide to do, that bed in the loft is still open to you, and so is this job.” Anita holds out a hand to Ellie, squeezing her shoulder delicately. Dina’s more like her than Ellie’s willing to admit.

         “Are you fucking serious?”

         Gabriel scoffs and smiles at her, his eyes crinkling. “Marlene told me about the offer she made you this morning, and you’re welcome to stay here if that’s the path you choose.”

         Ellie lets out a bark of disbelief, her face a picture of suspension. She can’t fucking believe this is happening. She pinches herself under the table, and they’re still staring at her. Her eyes flit between Dina’s parents and Jesse, and she feels like she’s going to throw up. Scratch that, she is going to throw up. 

         “Could you just- excuse-” she gets up from the table, and makes her way back through the kitchen, onto the porch, where she collapses onto the small bench they’ve got, looking out onto the estate. Her head’s in her hands, and she wills her breath to come. Not two in one fucking day, Ellie, get a hold of yourself. She keeps breathing, but that tight feeling doesn’t leave. What comes instead is the sound of boots, and Jesse taking a seat next to her.

         “What the fuck was that?”

         She lifts her head up, scowling at him. “Nothing. It was nothing.”

         “Ellie, you panic every time someone mentions where you came from, what you’re going to do, what you’ve done. I’m not one to pry but, man, what is eating you up?”

         She looks at him, not quite meeting his eyes for a couple seconds, her mouth open, trying to find the right words. “It’s just a lot.”

         “What? Good opportunities?”

         “Fuck you.” She pinches her nose, looking out over the fields. Jesse sneers at her, but then clocks her expression, and leans forward, his expression apprehensive.

         “Seriously, what’s stopping you?”

         “I don’t-” Ellie plays with her hands, she does this a lot, and it distracts her from what she’s feeling. Jesse’s having none of it.

         “Seriously, what’s stopping you? Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter anymore. You’ve found something good, real good, and that doesn’t happen a lot.”

         She meets his eyes then, and he starts as there are tears in hers. She didn’t even realise they had formed, fuck. 

         “Hey.” He pulls her into a bear hug, her arms staying by her side, but it helps. 

         “I’m just scared.”

         “That’s normal, man. You gotta push past it.” He whispers to her.

         Ellie nods, twisting her face so that it’s in his neck. Jesse’s a fucking good guy.

         “Yeah, I know.”

         He lets go, and grins at her. “Come on, help me bring in the horses, and we’ll go smoke. My dealer got me some new shit, it’s wild.”

         Ellie scoffs, wiping her eyes, and nods, following him down the porch steps. She looks back at the house, and sees Anita looking out of the window at her. She holds a thumbs up to her, and the older woman smiles back. Maybe it shouldn’t be so scary, after all.

~

The first thing she wakes up to that morning is Dina’s face in hers. Although it’s a welcome change to the bloody face that invades every dream, it still scares the shit out of her.

“Oh, my G- Dina, what the fuck?” Ellie sits up with lightning speed, the blood rushing to her head. “Why is this becoming a weekly thing for you?”

Dina just laughs, and jumps up from the bed, scanning the room around her.

“What are you doing?” Ellie rubs her eyes, it’s still dark outside. If this is becoming one of Dina’s habits, Ellie isn’t a fan. She looks at her phone. 5:26am. It’s a fucking Sunday.

“Looking for clothes- Aha!” Dina opens Ellie’s drawers, ignoring the older girl’s protests, and throws a pair of jeans and a jumper at her. “Get dressed.”

“For what?” Ellie questions, but starts pulling the jumper over her head anyway. She eyes up the jeans, and Dina turns around while she yanks them on. She knows not to argue with the other girl when she’s in this kind of mood, not unless she wants her skinny ass handed to her on a plate.

“Hurry up. We’re going somewhere.” She goes to turn round to Ellie, but Ellie shouts at her to turn back, jeans halfway up her thighs, and the girl laughs. When she’s ready, Ellie yanks on a pair of boots (courtesy of Anita’s hand me downs) and Dina grabs her hand, yanking her down the stairs of the loft.

“What’s so important that it couldn’t wait until-” Elle stops dead in her tracks, in front of her are two horses completely tacked up in the barn. But it’s not just the fact that there are two horses standing in front of her that gets her, it’s the fact that Shimmer is one of those horses. The chestnut mare is adorned with an ochre leather bridle, a gorgeous saddle she doesn’t recognise, and the horse starts nickering as she spots Ellie, who holds out a hand to the horse, which she licks and nibbles. Ellie’s about to fucking cry, and she looks at Dina, her eyes bulging and her mouth hanging open. 

“But she- How did you-”

Dina just grins. “If we’re doing this, we’re doing it my way. The foal’s old enough to be in the stall on his own and Marlene cleared Shimmer for riding last night.”

“But, when?”

“While you were at Jesse’s.” Ellie’s mind is racing, had he known about this?

“And the saddle?”

Dina just smiles at Ellie, her acorn eyes blazing under the dim barn lights. “We were going to wait until after your probation officer came today, but… I couldn’t wait.” She looks almost guilty and it sends Ellie reeling - it’s for her?

“But why?”

“We thought if you’re going to be staying for a while, then you’re going to need to learn how to be a real rancher.” 

Ellie can’t believe it, Shimmer looks so gorgeous and majestic, and her hands are over her mouth trying to contain her fucking giddiness over this. The saddle blanket underneath is navy blue with brown checks, and Ellie realises with a start that she has a shirt exactly like that. She reaches out to touch it, and it’s soft. Dina’s looking at her solemnly, almost like she doesn’t know if Ellie will like it, but her face practically melts as Ellie just whispers.

“This is so awesome, are you kidding me? Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Now, shall we go?”

Ellie tilts her head, her brows knitting together. “I can’t. My probation officer’s coming today, and I’ve got loads of shit I need to get done before he gets here. Your Dad will kill me if it’s not all done, and I didn’t really plan on dying today.”

Dina rolls her eyes. “You underestimate me, drama queen. It’s almost like I’m not the boss's daughter.”

Her eyes are still ablaze, and Ellie can see a challenge flickering in them. She grins and rushes over to the box where the safety helmets are, until Dina stops her.

“You don’t need one of those anymore.” Ellie’s eyes follow Dina as she walks into the office, shutting the door behind her. A few seconds later, the door opens, and Dina’s hands are full; she hands Ellie a fucking cowboy hat. It’s got Stetson written across it in gold lettering, and when Ellie’s hands run across the surface, it’s smooth and strong. It’s expensive. Dina’s fitting her one on her head, it’s the black version of Ellie’s brown one, and she’s beaming at Ellie, who is fixing her hair in a low bun, putting the hat on top of her scalp. They’re matching.

“You look like a certified rancher now, Ells.”

“This is so fucking cool.” Ellie whispers, her eyes gleaming. She feels like a kid who's been giving a shit ton of candy on Halloween. “You’re the fucking best.”

Dina laughs at the cursing, and shakes her head, her expression full of affection.

“Hey, come on. I’ll give you a leg up.” Ellie nods, and Dina holds out her hands, which Ellie steps onto to hoist herself up onto Shimmer. Dina adjusts her stirrup lengths, and checks her girth around her body, making sure everything is intact and ready, before she jumps on Japan herself. Ellie shifts in her saddle, Shimmer’s definitely wider than Japan, but she feels like an armchair, and Ellie sinks into the saddle. It’s insanely comfortable, and as she takes the reins in her hand, she looks at Dina, letting out small laughs of wonder and incredulity. 

They kick on their horses, clicking with their tongues, and they’re trotting out of the barn, through the drive of the ranch. Ellie feels like she’s on fucking cloud nine, side by side, riding next to Dina. The sun hasn’t risen yet, but Ellie can see rays of light escaping over the horizon, and it’s illuminating the acres of land across the ranch. It’s illuminating Dina’s face, whose smile is stretching from ear to ear across her face, and it’s twinkling against the metal loops on their saddles, the shine of the gold on their hats, and it’s making Ellie feel things that she didn’t even realise people could feel. They’re out of the gates now, walking down the dirt road, and Dina looks to her, as she gathers up her reins. Ellie copies, and she knows what’s coming?

“You ready?” The other girl glances at her, mischief twinkling clear in her eyes.

Ellie gives a quick nod. “Ready.” Deep breath.

They kick their horses on, and they fly like the fucking wind.

“So, how long have you been riding?”

         They’ve come out of the other side of the first now, back on grass, and Shimmer’s head is bouncing up and down, her walk fast paced. Her gallop was incredible, Ellie had felt invincible. Even now, she was forward going, like she loved to be outside, and like she trusted the girl on her back. Japan is next to her, a lot fitter than her, but Shimmer still managed to keep up. All of the work they’d been doing with her had clearly built up some muscle.

         “Since I could walk, pretty much. My Dad put me on a horse before I said my first words.” The image makes Ellie smile, tiny Dina on a tiny little pony. Sweet.

         “And the trick riding?” Ellie had spent countless hours eating sandwiches with Jesse after their morning chores, watching Dina ride at the weekends, and Dina practised most days after school. She was an incredible rider, and Ellie would never admit it, but watching Dina ride was one of her favourite parts of the day. Dina looked so free, and bright. It made Ellie feel that way, too, if only for an hour.

         “That’s new. I’ve been trick riding for a couple years and competing since I bought this guy.” She pats Japan’s neck, and his ears prick forward in response.

         “Isn’t it scary? You make it look so easy.”

         Dina laughs, the sound echoing throughout the empty field. It goes for miles. “Oh, it’s fucking terrifying, trust me. But the thrill is the best part. It helps me… feel something, I guess.”

         Ellie can get with that.

         “Okay, so what do you want to do once you graduate?”

         Dina side-eyes Ellie, her expression unreadable. “What’s with all the questions?”

         Ellie shrugs. “Humour me.”

         “I kinda wanna compete for a couple years, but then… I wanna work with troubled horses. Kinda like we did with Shimmer. Train them, get them to trust me, give them another chance.” Dina’s expression is solemn now, distant. Ellie understands though, when you stare at your future flat in the face, it can be intimidating. For Ellie, it’s almost nauseating. 

         “That’s noble of you.”

         “Ugh, shut up.” The girls laugh, the morning sun rays streaming through the trees and on to the back of their backs. They’re quiet for a moment as the horse’s march along the field, Ellie doesn’t have a clue where they are. They’ve been riding for the better part of an hour now.

         “So, do you know what you’re gonna do once your probation is up?”

         Ellie glances at Dina, her face pensive. “I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it.” That’s a lie, Dina, it’s all I’ve been thinking about. I’d kinda like to stop thinking about it.

         Dina hums, the sound a low one. Ellie can feel the vibration. 

         “Wait, where are we? What’s that?” 

         They’re reaching the top of the field now, and Ellie can just make out a small holding, it looks almost derelict, the wood holding up the shack a dark brown, the windows green. Shimmer’s snorting, and Ellie pats her neck as the horse starts jig-jagging to the side, almost colliding with Japan, who bites out at Shimmer as a warning.

         “Whoa, girl. Whoa. What’s gotten into you?”

         “She recognises this place.” Dina says, and Ellie’s face scrunches up, trying to make sense of it. How would Shimmer recognise this place? They’re still on the edge of Dina’s land, unless-

         “Please don’t tell me we’re at Seth’s place.”

         “Ellie-”

         “Are you fucking insane? What if he sees her, or worse, recognises her? What were you thinking?” Ellie can feel the panic rising in her, causing her to tense up, which translates right through into Shimmer, who stops dead in her tracks, spinning her body round homeward bound.

         “Ellie, just relax. Deep breaths. C’mon, let’s go round.”

         Ellie pulls Shimmer up, following Dina, following the path along Seth’s estate. The house seems empty, disused, and Ellie can’t help but try and peer in through the windows from a distance, her heart beating hard.

         “Is he even inside?”

         “Who knows at this point. There’s a reason I brought you here, though.” Dina gently tugs on the reins, so that Japan comes to a halt, facing the ramshackle house. Ellie followed suit, and the two girls were side-by-side, their horses leaning their heads down to graze on the grass beneath them. Ellie just looks at the ranch, her eyes narrowed. It looks creepy as shit.

         “We’re in the top field, right? We’re still technically on your land? What was the point in bringing me here?” She pulls her gaze away from the house, to look at the girl next to her, to find she’s staring her dead in the face. Dina was already looking at her.

“I brought you here because I thought if Shimmer and her baby can escape this place, and Shimmer can come back here, stronger, then you can escape whatever else is haunting you. I know there’s something else, I can see it in your eyes, in the way you act. You still don’t even go near the foal.” Ellie’s throat has gone dry, and Dina’s eyes are dead-set, earnest, almost like they’re seeing through Ellie. Like they’re seeing past her, past the Ellie that she’s created for strangers, the one that if people judge, it doesn’t hurt as much, because that’s what she wanted. That’s who she chose to be. But, right now, Ellie doesn’t feel like that Ellie; she feels different. 

Because she’s right. Last week passed by in a blur. Ellie had to just push down her emotions, and just work through them. But then, she also tried a lot harder to let people in. She smoked with Jesse most nights, and they talked shit about their childhoods, the places they’ve been and places they want to go, and he teased her relentlessly about Dina (which she doesn’t really get). In between shifts and ranch work, she’s been getting riding lessons from Dina (she’s gotten pretty good, honestly) and she’s even started looking up local community colleges and their night classes so she can finish high school. But it wasn’t enough. There was something missing, lacking, pulling, and Ellie knows what it is. The poor little guy, she still can’t even look at him, and she knows it’s to do with the dreams. Every time she looks at his face, she sees her own younger face reflected back at her. She sees the Ellie from her dreams, and it haunts her. She doesn’t want to go near him, in fear of… of corrupting him, which she knows is fucking stupid. She feels protective of Shimmer, in a way that she can’t feel protective of- 

The whole thing just makes feels pathetic, shame threatening to burn her insides, making its way through her bloodstream. Unaware of the waves of contrasting emotions crashing around inside of Ellie, Dina continues.

“You are not your mistakes, Ellie. And you’re not defined by what you’ve gone through.” To say Ellie can’t fathom words right now would be an understatement, she’s forgotten how to speak, how to think, how to fucking breathe. She’s forgotten how to do everything but hang on to every word that comes out of Dina’s mouth, and get lost in those intense brandy brown eyes. She doesn’t understand how Dina can possibly understand it like she does, how she can read Ellie like a fucking book, until she remembers that night in the van. Dina’s sister. And then it clicks. She changes the subject, her eyes examining the suddenly very interesting grass beneath her.

“What’ll we do if he wants Shimmer back? He’s definitely noticed she’s gone by now. What if he comes after her?”

“Hey. Hey. Look at me. He won’t. My Dad will take care of it. Shimmer is yours now, she’s not going anywhere. I promise.”

Ellie nods unbelievably touched. She knows Dina can’t promise something like that, but she looks so determined, Ellie has to believe it. That has to be enough for now.

“I know my Dad offered you a permanent job, and he kinda let something slip about Marlene offering you more hours too. You haven’t thought about it, huh?” Dina’s smile is shy, her long dark lashes fucking fluttering at Ellie, mocking her. 

Ellie closes her eyes, “Fucking Jesse. He can’t keep his mouth shut.”

“Actually, I was the one who brought up the idea to my Dad.”

“You did what?” Ellie’s head looks up sharply now, staring right at Dina, who wilts under Ellie’s intense forest-green eyes. 

“I just thought it made sense, and… and I like having you around. You’re infuriating, but you’re actually pretty cool. You even started a fight in my honour.”

Ellie’s eyebrows shoot up, did she really just say that?

“Are we still talking about that?” Her voice is husky, her green eyes not quite meeting brown. “That was a mistake. I said I wouldn’t do it again.”

Dina smiles now, her breath expelled in one amused huff. “I thought it was kinda hot.”

Ellie chokes, air trapped in her throat, and even Dina’s face looks warm, despite the frosty morning air. “Come on, let’s head back. It’s getting late.”

Ellie nods, and they kick their horses on, racing each other down the hill to the end of the field.

When they get to familiar ground, they slow down to a slow trot, until they make their way onto the dirt path leading up to the ranch. They haven’t really spoken since Seth’s and Ellie’s legs are shaking in her stirrups, reality catching up with her. 

“You nervous for today?” Dina guesses, eyeing up Ellie’s shaking foot. Shimmer’s tail swishes irritably, and Ellie lets out a mirthless laugh, willing her foot to still.

“You could say that. Isaac’s nice and all, but-” she takes a deep breath in, and her body sags as she exhales. “What I did was fucked up. I’m just waiting for more bad news, further sentencing. I guess this being my punishment is too good to be true.”

“You fucked up, sure. But you’re learning from it.” Dina hums back.

“Do you think?” Ellie’s eyes flash at Dina, the other girl’s not giving away much.

“I think so. And we both know my Dad is going to sing your praises, so I don’t think you have much to worry about.”

“Okay. Good.” Ellie nods to herself quietly, taking it all in, weighing up every possibility in her head. Dina laughs lightly at her, and she scowls at the other girl. “What?”

She just laughs, shaking her head, a few thick dark curls escaping from the top of her hat. “Nothing. You’re just- nothing.”

Ellie smiles, her face showing her discomfort. “Alright.”

“Just… Listen, we’re all going to a karaoke bar tonight. We’ve got fake IDs. You wanna come?” Her eyes are innocent, but her smile’s inviting, and Ellie swears at her silently. Dina knows what she’s doing, her eyes are like fucking puppy dogs.

“Are you sure I won’t cramp your style again?” Ellie asks, her smile only could be described as bashful. She’s a fucking tool, and she knows it.

“I thought we weren’t talking about that.” Dina’s face is mock outrage, and it makes Ellie’s neck burn. Lucky she’s got this huge ass cowboy hat on to cover up how much she’s enjoying this banter they’ve got going on.

“If you promise not to punch anyone this time, I’m sure we’re good.” Dina’s attitude was something Ellie hated at first, and now she grins at the response. Crazy. 

“Okay, I’ll come.” Ellie tips her hat forward, and Dina rolls her eyes, but her face is radiant. She really is beautiful, Ellie finds herself thinking, and the intrusive thought weirds her out. It’s Dina, get a hold of yourself.

“Great. Hey, is that- was his name Isaac?”

They’re coming to the front gates now, and even though her hat’s shielding the sun from her eyes, they’re far enough away that she has to squint to make out the unfamiliar car parked in the drive. It’s a Mercedes, go fucking figure, and Isaac’s leaning against it, talking to what looks like Gabriel. Isaac Dixon was the probation officer for their neighbourhood in Seattle, and he worked with the young offenders, hence why he was assigned to Ellie, and why she recognised him so easily. Every kid in the home had had a run in that led to their acquaintance with him at some point. She could make out his deep brown skin, as well as his greying short beard, and she knew it was him. But-

“Who's that with him?” Dina asks, and Ellie’s eyes whip over to the smaller figure next to him. She doesn’t even need to take a second glance, instantly recognising the warm skin, and dark hair pulled into two bunches. 

“You’re fucking kidding me, oh my god.” Ellie laughs, kicking Shimmer on. Dina shouts out to Ellie, urging Japan to catch up, and they canter right across the lawn, coming to a quick halt just in front of Isaac’s navy car. Ellie swings herself with force over Shimmer’s body and hands the reins to Dina as the other girl lands on the ground next to Japan.

“ Cat? Are you fucking serious?” 

Chapter Text

“Cat? Are you fucking kidding me?”

Ellie breathes, she’s flushed and excited and probably looks a fucking mess, not to mention ridiculous with this hat on, but she flings herself at the other girl, who’s almost fucking singing from happiness, as they hug each other tight.

“Happy to see me?” The girl’s high voice is shrill, no doubt from her air supply being cut off from Ellie’s bear hug. 

“Why are you- How did you- What the hell are you doing here?”

“It’s nice to see you too. Isaac brought me.”

“Well, she begged. ” Isaac’s deep voice rumbles, and Ellie lets go of Cat to turn to the older man, straightening herself up. She offers out a hand, which he takes, a low chuckle vibrating from his throat.

“How you doin’, Ellie?”

“Good. Really good.” She smiles back, a toothy smile, a genuine smile. His older eyes are wide, Ellie realises he’s probably never seen her smile before. Scowl, sure, but not smile.

Dina’s come to stand next to Gabriel now, and the family resemblance is clear between their raised eyebrows and amused expressions. Well, Gabriel’s amused. Dina’s…. Dina’s something else, and Ellie shoots her a curious look, trying to make eye contact, but the other girl just looks at Isaac, refusing to meet Ellie’s eyes. She furrows her brows, but Cat’s demanding her attention, and the weird moment is forgotten.

Gabriel puts an arm around Dina’s shoulder, and gestures to the two new arrivals.

“Come in, come in. You’re here earlier than we thought, but my wife has just made fresh rugelach, uh, pastries. You must try some.” He ushers Isaac and Cat into the house, with Isaac instantly making small talk with Anita and Gabriel, while Ellie introduces Cat and Dina. Ellie knows they’re going to get along just great, but it’s fucking weird. Cat is all beaming smiles, high-pitched hellos, and good vibes, but Dina is… She’s off-kilter. Ellie knows Dina isn’t the friendliest to strangers, she’s had first-hand experience of that herself, and Dina isn’t impolite in any way to Cat. She’s just cold, distant. There’s an awkward moment between them, until Isaac addresses Ellie, and they all move into the dining room for coffee and breakfast. The clock reads 9:01 and Ellie realises they were out for hours. No wonder she’s so hungry.

“So, you say you stayed overnight here? How was it?” Anita asks, refilling Isaac’s cup with a pot of fresh coffee. He thanks her, graciously.

“It was hospitable. Nice folks around here, a lot nicer than Seattle. We’re staying again tonight, it’s too long of a drive. We’ve got two rooms booked in a hotel in town.”

Gabriel shakes his head, his face abhorred. “That is unacceptable. We have guest rooms here, you’re welcome to stay here for the night.”

“Really, Gabe, that’s very kind of you, but we’re here on official-” Isaac starts, as Dina chimes in with; “Dad-” but Gabriel waves their sentiments away.

“That’s the last I’ll hear of it. You’ll stay here.”

Ellie is halfway through her second rugelach, her hands covered in chocolate from the little pastry parcels, when she realises. “Wait, there’s a guest room, and I’m sleeping in the barn?” which makes Dina snigger momentarily, until her father shoots her a look.

“It works perfectly.” Gabriel continues, ignoring Ellie’s outburst. “Dina, you and Ellie are going out with friends tonight, yes? Take Cat.” 

Dina’s horror is clear on her face, but Ellie doesn’t see it, too busy beaming at Cat, who’s grinning back. “Yes, that’d be awesome, please come.”

“You don’t have to ask me twice.” Cat winks at her, and Ellie stuffs the rest of her pastry into her mouth, licking her fingers. “Ugh, you’re still gross.” Cat scoffs, which Ellie responds to by trying to wipe the rest of the chocolate on Cat’s cheek. 

Dina’s just staring at them, and she narrows her eyes. “We’re going with my friends though; you won’t know them.”

“Good thing I’m not shy.” Cat quips back, and there’s something between them, a moment, that Ellie doesn’t quite understand. Ellie just smiles, uncertain, and drains the last of her coffee.

“Neither is Ellie, though, but surely she’s told you all about what we used to get up to.”

Dina’s eyes are glinting, and she looks bristled. “Actually, she hasn’t mentioned you.”

Cat looks to Ellie, hurt clear in her eyes, but Ellie can’t take this. It’s too awkward, they’re talking about her as if she isn’t there, and it’s pricking at her.

“I’ve just been really busy with the horses.” She’s looking down into her mug, swirling the dregs of the coffee granules around the bottom. 

“I’ve been teaching her how to ride.” Dina smiles, her face smug, but Ellie doesn’t catch it, she’s gone passive, quiet. Cat just giggles, hitting Ellie lightly on the arm.

“Who are you, and what have you done with Ellie? The Ellie I knew was all trucks and weed, and-” 

“ Okay.” Ellie’s whole face is on fire, and she’s pretty sure the flames she can feel burning up in her face can be seen too. She’s tried pretty hard to make a good impression on these people, make them respect her, and she knows Cat means well, but her stomach’s in her fucking pants right now. Ellie’s changed, sure, but it wasn’t that long ago that she was getting into trouble, and she doesn’t need anyone reminding Gabriel and Anita of that.

“How about we show you round the place?” Ellie slides out her chair, reaching for Cat’s plate, when Isaac clears his throat.

“Actually, Ellie, before you do that, I was hoping that we’d all get a chance to catch up.”

Ellie stares at Isaac, then her eyes flit to Gabriel, and she nods slowly, setting the crockery back down. “O-okay.”

“The girls and I will clean up,” Anita smiles, to which Dina groans, but she’s silenced with a kick under the chair from her mother, and it’s a sight to see.

“Perfect.” Gabriel plants a kiss on his wife’s cheek, and then gestures to Isaac and Ellie. “We can talk in the office.”

~

         “Her logbook is all up to date,” Gabriel answers. “She’s been working long days six days a week and working at the veterinary clinic in town.” Gabriel looks at her then, and she thinks she sees pride in his eyes, but she clears her throat, and looks at Isaac. She’s seeing things.

         “She’s doing well.” Ellie can feel holes on both sides of her skull, both men looking at her with different expressions, and she feels like a deer caught in headlights. She’s waiting for an ultimatum, for bad news, for something to go wrong. But it doesn’t come. (That still doesn’t make it any easier to breathe, though.)

         “Well, I’m surely glad to hear it.” Isaac lets out a deep-belly laugh, and it vibrates, Ellie can feel it in her feet. “Well, Williams, your probation is up in three months. I’ve managed to secure you a few interviews at the job centre in Seattle, and seeing your progress here, I’d be glad to make a few calls and see if we can’t get you some connections at St. Mary’s.”

         Ellie watches Isaac, searching for some sign of mockery, but instead she finds genuine content. Gabriel’s quick to interrupt with a small cough, before she even has time to respond.

         “Actually, we’ve offered Ellie a permanent job… here. But” he looks at her now, one eyebrow raised. “She hasn’t given us an answer yet.”

         Ellie’s pinching her nose, letting out a mirthless chuckle. Fuck. She should have seen this coming; she knows she needs to give an answer, and she was sure she had one, but seeing Cat has sent her reeling. She knows Cat relies on her more than she lets on, and she relies on Cat, too. They were each other’s rock at the home and have been inseparable ever since the accident. She feels like she owes it to Cat to go back to Seattle, that it would be selfish for her not to, but images of everything she has here race through her mind. She can literally hear Shimmer whinnying in the barn next door, for fuck sake.

         “Am I interrupting?” All three heads snap to the office door, which Jesse is peering in through, his expression cautious. Ellie grins at him, his stupid fucking face, and he smiles at her, his face looking confused as hell, but her grin is contagious. She thinks of the evenings they’ve spent smoking together, drinking, but also of every time he’s dealt with her sorry ass, and every time they’ve laughed together. He trusted her with Shimmer, and she’s trusted him with her vulnerability. Jesse’s a great fucking friend, and she knows what her decision is. (There is also someone who she can’t leave, she won’t leave, not just yet, but she can’t bring herself to admit that.)

         “No, you’re not.” She looks back at Isaac and Gabriel, their expressions expectant. “I’m staying here. Once I finish my probation, I’ll stay.” 

         Gabriel’s eyes light up, and his beam is precious, and he gets up from where he’s leaning against the desk, and pulls her into a crushing hug, patting her back, as he laughs. It makes her smile, breathless, as the wind is ripped from her lungs. Isaac’s smiling, scribbling down on Ellie’s file, and he looks up at her, something in his eyes.

         “I feel like that’s a smart choice, Williams.”

         “Thanks, Dixon.”

         “Watch it.” He warns, but his eyes are crinkled, and his face is mellow.

         Jesse comes in, and he reeks of horse shit as he grabs Ellie into a chokehold, no doubt from doing her chores as well as his that morning, but she doesn’t mind. They’re both goofy as fuck, laughing, as Jesse musses up her hair, and she tries to escape to no avail. Gabriel attempts to calm them down, but he’s rolling his eyes and chuckling along with them. 

         “Okay, okay, pack it in. The girls are waiting for us. Isaac, if you want to leave those files on my desk, I’ll look over them tonight.” 

         Isaac nods, setting the papers down gently, and shakes the hand of the older Jewish man, and then Ellie’s hand, and he squeezes gently.

         “I’m seriously proud of how you’re getting along here, Ellie. After everything you’ve been through, I think this is a good place for you.”

         She feels like she’s going to well up, her lips curling as she smiles, her eyes scrunched up. She grips hard onto his hand, and then let’s go. They all make their way back out into the barn, Ellie stroking Shimmer as she goes past her, the mare showing off her teeth to take in Ellie’s smell. (Dina had had to explain that they smell through their teeth when Shimmer first did it, and Ellie had howled with laughter. It was still funny as fuck.) When they get out onto the ranch, heading back to the house, Jesse’s in step with her, and Dina’s coming running towards them. Cat and Anita are still on the porch, mugs of coffee no doubt in their hands, but Dina’s launching herself into Ellie’s arms before she knows what’s going on. It’s like she knows.

         “So, what’s the verdict?” Dina grins, breathless, her hair falling out of her bun and blowing into her face. Ellie just smiles, her face a picture of shyness, and Dina beams.

         “You’re staying?” She lets out a scoff, it’s a high sound, as she throws her arms around Ellie, squeezing the life out of the other girl. 

         “Yes, oh my god, I’d like to breathe too.” Ellie laughs, freeing her right arm from Dina’s embrace, and Jesse just laughs, taking her arm as the three of them just act like fucking idiots. Dina lets go, but she’s got her right arm around Ellie’s waist, as Jesse’s got his left arm around her shoulder, and they walk up to the front porch like the three dumbasses, with Isaac and Gabriel trailing behind, talking shop.

         Ellie’s grinning, her smile splitting her face into two, hanging off of Dina and Jesse, as they stumble up the porch stairs. Cat and Anita are waiting for them, but Cat’s expression is stony, her eyes searching, distant. Ellie slowly untangles herself from the other two, and offers a smile to Cat, which the girl instantly returns, her face brightening.

         “What’s going on? You guys look happy.”

         “Uh, nothin’.” Ellie quips back, and she can feel Dina and Jesse exchanging glances, and her heartbeat spikes.

         “Nothing sure looked like something,” Cat’s eyes are wide now, her eyebrows raised, and she’s prying, Ellie knows she doesn’t believe her, she can see it in the other girl’s demeanour, but now’s not the time to tell her. Not in front of everyone.

         “Don’t worry about it, let’s show you around.” Ellie grins, slinking her arm around Cat’s shoulder, as she leads Cat down towards the paddocks, throwing a glance back at Dina and Jesse. Sorry.

~

         “Okay, who are you and what have you done with Ellie Williams?”

         “Shut up.” Ellie lets out a low laugh, hanging her Stetson on her bedpost. Cat’s lying on her front across Ellie’s bed, legs kicking in the air, looking through the Horse & Pony care for beginners’ book that Dina had thought it would be hilarious to give her after their first riding lesson. (The book was pink, with a photo of a pony and a young girl on the front and was clearly meant for five-year olds. Ellie had rolled her eyes at first, but it was actually pretty informative. Not that she’d tell Dina that.) 

         “No, seriously, the hat, the horses. What’s happened to you?” Cat’s eyes are glinting, and Ellie just smirks, refusing to meet the other girl’s eyes. She doesn’t want to know whether that’s a genuine question or not. Dinner had gone as smoothly as it could have, with Cat only slightly trying to embarrass Ellie, Dina being weirdly stand-offish but not a complete asshole, and the adults mainly taking over the conversation. Ellie had just pushed her peas around her plate, she didn’t have much of an appetite. They’d helped clear up, and Ellie had ushered Cat upstairs, she doesn’t know what was wrong with Dina, but the girl looked like she wanted to murder something. It baffles Ellie, Dina wasn’t exactly chair of the welcoming committee to her (but then Ellie had almost run over her horse), but now Ellie would say they were good, she’d even go as far to say they were friends. They were close. Cat had an attitude with everyone she met, and Dina was no exception either, so Ellie just shrugs it off. Maybe tonight they’ll get a chance to talk.

         “Have you played guitar much since you’ve been here?” Cat’s looking at a diagram of the different kinds of bridles, labelled in frilly pink boxes.

         Ellie shakes her head, pulling a dark red button-up of the drawers, and sniffing it. Eh, smells clean. She pulls it over her head, and pairs it with a pair of clean jeans, and worn red canvas sneakers. Cat smiles at Ellie, shaking her head.

         “What?” Ellie pulls at the hem of her shirt, suddenly feeling self-conscious. She liked this shirt.

         “Nothing. You’re just… You’re still Ellie. Come here.” Cat’s face is soft, and she sits up, setting the book aside. Ellie takes a seat in front of Cat, who starts separating her hairline into two sections. She did this a lot when Ellie wasn’t taking care of herself, and when she used to wake up in the night from night terrors. Ellie closes her eyes, and just breathes. She’s missed Cat more than she even realised.

         “I get the feeling your friend might not like me.” Cat’s French braiding Ellie’s hair into two small braids, starting with the left side. The gentle tugs and fingers running through her hair is heavenly, and Ellie just hums, smiling goofily.

         “Nah, she’s just a princess. You’ve just got to get to know her.” 

         “If you say so.” Cat’s finishing the first braid, leaving half of Ellie’s still down, so that it keeps her hair out of her eyes. She ties it up and gets started on the other side.

         “Your hair’s gotten lighter in the sun.” Cat muses, Ellie’s auburn hair between her fingers. “It’s going to go back to being brown when you come back to Seattle. I like it like this, though.”

         Ellie keeps her eyes closed, holding her breath for a beat. Now would be the perfect time, Ellie. She knows she has to tell the other girl; it would be cruel not to, but they haven’t had a moment like this in so long. It feels cruel to shatter it. Tell her tomorrow. She’ll do it tomorrow, on a trail ride or something. Let her enjoy the night first, Ellie tells herself, it’s not selfish if you’re doing it for Cat.

         “Yeah.” She breathes, it’s all she trusts herself to say. 

         “Okay, done.” 

         Ellie opens her eyes, turning to look into the rusty mirror on her dresser, and grins. She hasn’t had her hair like this in a while, and it takes her back. She turns to Cat and smiles at the other girl, whispering a thank you. It’s a special moment, both of them know it, and both of them do it at the same time. Cat’s arms go around Ellie, and vice versa, Ellie just taking in Cat’s smell. 

         “I’ve missed you.” She breathes. Seeing Cat brings back things that have already been weighing on her mind, being so far away from where it happened, but still not being free from the memory. It’s not Cat’s fault, but she’s a reminder, a presence, and Ellie isn’t sad, but she’s remembering. Cat squeezes her tight, and Ellie just breathes. 

         “Come on.” The smaller girl whispers. “Let’s go.”

         ~

         “Next rounds on me!” Anthony laughs, holding up his empty beer glass as he gets up to make his way to the bar. They’d managed to grab two tables right by the stage, pushed up against each other to make one bigger table. Ellie was between Cat and Anna, opposite Dina with Anthony, James, and Soraya on the table next to them. They’d only had a few drinks so far, Ellie was driving, so she’d been switching between beer and coke, but her insides were warm from the little she’d drank. It was getting a lot colder now, they were into October, and the truck had struggled to start at first, sputtering and stalling as Ellie had turned the key. Dina had just rolled her eyes, pushed to the far side of the truck.

         “You need a new truck.”

         Ellie had been horrified, shooting a look over Cat’s shoulder to Dina. “You’ll hurt her feelings.”

         Dina had just rolled her eyes and turned over to look out of the window as Firefly had roared to life. To say the drive had been weird was an understatement, Dina had barely said two words until they got to the bar, and when she did, they came out uninterested apathetic. It was fine, Cat wasn’t exactly shy or scared to fill a quiet room, so it wasn’t like it was filled with awkward pauses. Ellie still felt awkward, though.

         Tonight, was fun, though, Ellie was actually having a pretty awesome time. The others were pretty tipsy already, and Anthony and James had already been up and expertly performed a spoken word rendition of Wayfaring Stranger, which had brought tears to Ellie’s eyes. She’d bought the guys a beer for that one, her ribs aching by the end of their performance from her laughter. To her surprise, some of the old cowboy’s and barmaids had even gotten up onstage, and she felt herself clapping along and singing along with the harmonies of the crowds. A young guy was up there, clearly on some sort of dare from his friends, stumbling his way through Bohemian Rhapsody, when Ellie looks at Dina, taking a sip from her tumbler. She’s been weird tonight, she’s been full of snide remarks, mostly directed towards her and Cat, and she doesn’t understand why. She’s noticed it coming from Cat, too, and she doesn’t want to think it’s about her, but she can’t help it. Cat is pretty fucking territorial, and Dina’s been acting weird since she got here, and Ellie just feels stupid, like she’s some sort of idiotic catalyst. Dina’s barely been looking at her all night, so right now, the other girl doesn’t notice Ellie looking at her, but that’s fine with her, because Dina’s smile is so fucking incredible. It lights up her whole face, and Ellie can feel the ends of her mouth tugging up in a smile, just from looking at her. Maybe I’ve had more than I thought, Ellie falters. She feels fine, though, her head is clear. Her mind, though, is running in fucking circles. She curses herself for choosing tonight to stay sober.

         “I’m going for a smoke, wanna come?” Ellie feels hot breath in her ear, and she glances to her right, where Soraya is standing, hand on hip, other hand on the back of her chair. Ellie looks at the table, where everyone is occupied paying attention to the stage, then back at Soraya, nodding. She needs some fresh air.

         “Uh, sure.”

         They make their way through the dingy hallway out into the front of the building, where Soraya pulls out a box of cigarettes from her shoulder bag, and holds it out to Ellie, who shakes her head, leaning against the brick wall.

         “Suit yourself.” Soraya shrugs, taking one out and lighting it up. She puts the box back in her bag and takes a drag, letting out a cloud of smoke into the cold night air. Ellie watches the smoke swirl and dissipate as the wind blows it away. It’s mixed with the cold air biting at her face, and she closes her eyes, taking a deep breath. The whiskey’s going to her head now that she’s outside, and she opens her eyes and Soraya starts to laugh. She opens her eyes, rolling her head to look at the girl on the left of her, dressed in dark dungarees and a little crop top, and Ellie wonders how she’s not freezing. Or if she is, how she’s hiding it.

         “You could cut the tension in there with a knife.”

         Ellie raises an eyebrow, scoffing as she stares at Soraya. “So, there is something going on.” She puts one foot against the brick wall to keep her steady as she shakes her head. “I have no idea what it is, though.”

         Soraya just lets out a sharp breath, but it’s full of mirth. “Fuck, you’re so cute.” She’s just smiling at Ellie, and it makes the redhead shift, rolling out her shoulders. “You don’t even see it.”

         “See what?” Ellie’s expression is concerned now, like she’s trying to figure out the first step of the equation, when Soraya’s finished the paper. She feels like she’s always a step behind everybody else. She ignores the cute comment though, she knows her face would go fucking ablaze if she even thought about it. Soraya hasn’t exactly been subtle about her crush on the girl with the auburn hair and face full of freckles.

         Now though, Soraya just shakes her head, looking at her feet, which are now stubbing out the finished cigarette onto the pavement. “Nuthin’, cowgirl. Let’s go inside.”

         Ellie nods, and follows her back into the bar, where to her glee she is met with a definitely-drunker-now-than-before-she-left Dina and Anna, belting out in possibly the most out of key voices she has ever heard. They’re warbling along to When We Were Young by Adele, Dina’s arm slung around Anna, and Anna’s wrapped around Dina’s waist as they both sing dramatically into the cheap microphone stand. It’s fucking hilarious, and as Ellie lowers back down into her seat, she meets Dina’s eyes, and she swears Dina’s smile grows a little wider. Dina’s dark hair is painted a dark blue, lit up by the shitty lights on the stage, but she looks breath-taking, drunk red cheeks and all. Her hair is in a fishtail, with escaped strands hanging by her cheeks, framing her face. When she’d come out of the hair with that hair, Ellie hadn’t said anything, but she knew her expression had given her away, because Dina had tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and just jumped right into the truck. It wasn’t the first time that Ellie had stood there feeling like a schoolgirl crushing on the cheerleader. (Ouch.)

         They’re singing the last lines to each other now, holding each other’s faces as they over-act their little duet, and as they belt out the last note, making the microphone crackle and feedback, Ellie is laughing again. Even Cat is grinning, and when the girl’s finish, their whole group is on their feet, clapping, whooping, cheering. Anna and Dina take their bows, and stumble elegantly (see: drunkenly) down the stairs, back to their table. To Ellie’s surprise, Dina doesn’t sit straight back down, but walks towards her, hands outstretched. Ellie looks at her with mild alarm in her eyes, Dina hasn’t made much acknowledgement tonight in the way of her presence, but now she’s grabbing Ellie’s hands, trying to pull her up out of her seat.

         “It’s your turn, you haven’t sung yet.” 

         Ellie laughs at Dina’s feeble attempts to pull her out of her chair and shakes her head. “I’m good, Di, I’m really okay.”

         Apparently, that’s not a good enough response, because Dina’s response is just to tug harder as the others look on in amusement. Anthony claps Ellie on the back, encouraging her to go up.

         “If you think you’re getting out of embarrassing yourself tonight, you’re dead wrong.” Dina says to her, concentration clear on her face, and Ellie rolls her eyes, smiling.

         The host, a middle-aged guy, is standing on the stage, and he’s now looking at Ellie. “Is that a volunteer we have down there?” All the eyes in the place are on Ellie, and she feels her cheeks burning as she looks desperately at Cat and Soraya next to her.

         “Any help here?”

         Cat and Soraya feign ignorance, suddenly finding things interesting in any direction but hers, and she sighs, pinching her nose, letting Dina drag her up. It elicits whoops and whistles from their group, and Ellie’s heart is beating. She looks to Cat, who’s looking at her through hooded eyes, for any form of reassurance. She hasn’t sung, or even picked up a guitar, since last year. Since the reason she loved music so much was the reason she now couldn’t make it anymore. She isn’t prepared for this, but the look on Dina’s face when she stood up twisted something in her. Cat’s expression is doing the same to her.

         “Ask if there’s a guitar.” Cat knows what she’s doing, but Ellie finds she doesn’t mind. With the whiskey still warm in her stomach, and Dina’s friends (her friends) cheering her on, she feels kinda ready, she wants to do this. Like it’s the time for this block to be smashed down.

         Dina looks at her, confusion registering clearly in her dark eyes. “Wait, you play guitar? Why didn’t I know this?”

         Ellie shrugs. “You never asked.”

         Dina’s eyes glint, as Ellie walks up to the stage, and the guy up onstage introduces her, drawing out cheers from the crowd as her heart falls down into her fucking stomach. She asks for a guitar, and he hands her one.

         “Looks like we have a real musician in the house tonight, folks. She’s too good for our tracks, better than us regular folk.” The audience’s laughs fill up the small room, and Ellie’s just grinning, her foot tapping nervously as she positions herself on a chair in front of the microphone. She can’t believe she’s doing this, who the fuck let her do this? Her heart is going a million times a second, and she can’t feel her hands from the way they’re shaking, but she steadies herself, taking a deep breath and pressing her fingers into the frets.

         The room goes silent as she takes her first strum, her fingers slowly sweeping over the strings. She adjusts the turning keys and tries again. When she’s satisfied, she looks up at the crowd, their faces too dark for her to make out until her eyes adjust, and she just lets out a pathetic laugh.

         “Here I go, I guess.” A scatter of tittering and low chuckles sweeps around the room from the audience, and Ellie knows what she’s going to play. She knows, because she hasn’t played it since it was played on the radio in a truck on a highway. But she knows she has to do this, so she does.

         The first few chords come out quiet underneath her hands, and she can see people leaning forward to hear her. She’s rusty, her fingers unused to the motions again, so she keeps going until she gains her confidence, and the notes come out louder, stronger. Then, she starts singing.

“We're talking away,

I don't know what,

I'm to say I'll say it anyway,

Today's another day to find you.”

         Ellie’s voice comes out shaky at first, she’s not even looking up at the audience, but she can feel their eyes. The room is silent, she swears she could hear a pin drop, but she carries on. 

         “Shying away,

I'll be coming for your love, okay?”

Ellie’s been told so many times that her voice is a mystery to people, it’s gentle, so gentle, but husky and guarded, especially in times of pain. But when she sings, people listen. Her voice isn’t amazing, it’s a little weak when it gets high, but she’s got a sweet voice, and she used to sing for the younger kids at the homes when they were new arrivals, singing them lullabies and nursery rhymes to send them off to sleep.

“Take on me,

Take me on,

I'll be gone,

In a day or two.”

 Her voice is soft now, breathy, as a million emotions rush through her whole being. She’s doing this, she’s really doing this. She looks up now, and she’s looking at the faces of her friends as her voice strains slightly to reach the highest night, but she smiles through the lyrics as she plays, seeing the expressions on their faces. Seeing the expression on Cat’s face.

“So needless to say,

I'm odds and ends,

But I'll be stumbling away.”

         It’s at that moment that she meets eyes with Dina, whose mouth is parted, whose eyes are wide. Ellie pours herself into this verse, feeling the lyrics, because she knows Dina can feel them too. She’s found a home here, and it’s then that Ellie realises what this song means to her, what it really means to her. What Dina means to her.

“Slowly learning that life is okay,

Say after me,

It's no better to be safe than sorry.”

         Dina’s staring at her, mouth open, her eyes full of awe and something else Ellie can’t quite place, but that she can’t tear herself away from. She’s fucking singing to Dina, and she doesn’t know why. She doesn’t know how. All she knows is that she’s feeling a million different fucking things that can’t be put into words here, the adrenaline would overtake her bloodstream, but that it’s changing her. That this place is changing her. So, she ends the song with her eyes closed, in fear of not being able to finish it, of fucking welling up. (She’s a fucking badass, but you wouldn’t know it.)

“Take on me,

Take me on,

I'll be gone,

In a day or two.”

She opens her eyes now, and Dina’s haven’t left hers.

“In a day or two.”

         She slowly stops playing, her eyes adjusting to the blurs of faces looking up at her, as the audience erupt into cheers. The host comes over to her, taking the guitar, and shaking her hand and she shakily gets up. Her knees are wobbly, her legs are numb, but her spirits are high as she’s met with hugs as she reaches everyone. She looks at Dina, who is just standing there, looking at her as if she’s just seen a ghost or some shit, and Ellie’s about to go to her, when she sees Cat just past her face. Cat is looking between her and Dina, and her eyes are flickering, her lips quivering. Ellie furrows her brows as she extracts herself from Anthony and James, but Dina is throwing herself into Ellie’s arms, seemingly recovered, before she can get to Cat. 

         “That was incredible! I didn’t know you could sing too, holy shit. Now you’re staying, you’re going to have to teach me how to play. We’ve got time now.” Dina’s practically beaming at her, that Ellie forgets about Cat for a second, placing her hands tentatively on Dina’s waist, until she hears it.

         “You’re staying?” Ellie’s entire face falls, her head flitting up to Cat, who is standing there, and her face looks fucking heartbroken, blinking back tears. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

         Ellie takes a step towards Cat, removing her hands from Dina, who’s standing there, speechless, realisation dawning on her face. 

         “I was gonna tell you, I’m gonna finish my GED. I got a job here.”

         “When were you gonna tell me? Were you even going to, or were you just going to fucking abandon me again?” Cat’s eyes are red, her hands balled up into fists by her side.

         “Cat-” Ellie takes another few steps towards Cat, but the girl holds up her hands, shaking her head.

         “Fucking save it, Ellie.” She backs up, and makes a run for the exit, storming out of the bar. Ellie whips back to look at the others, who are all standing there dumbstruck, clearly at a loss for words. Ellie looks at Dina, who stutters out, reaching for her.

         “I’m so sorry, Ellie, I didn’t know she-”

         Ellie shakes her arm free of Dina. “Excuse me, guys.” She takes off after Cat, weaving in and out of the tables, running after the girl, calling out her name. As she leaves, she hears the host talk to the crowd.

         “Looks like we’ve got a little drama in the room tonight.”

         Asshole.

She finds Cat waiting by her truck, leaning against the passenger door, her face tear-stained, her cheeks puffy. Ellie slows down her pace to a light jog as she reaches Cat, coming to stand in front of her. She goes to speak, but Cat cuts her off, looking down at the floor, kicking at stones.

         “Take me home, please.”

         “Cat.”

“ Please.”

“Okay.”

         Ellie doesn’t try and make conversation after that, the drive home is silent, she doesn’t even put the radio on. The euphoric high she was on crashed a long time ago, the adrenaline seeping out of her. Any sense of warmth she’d been feeling had given way to cold; the drive home could only be described as fucking icy. Cat’s turned away from her and doesn’t say a word or look at her the entire time. She doesn’t even react when they pull onto the ranch, only stirring when Ellie turns off the engine, throwing herself out of the truck and charging her way to the house. 

         “Fuck. Cat!” Ellie rips the key out of the ignition, stuffing it into her pocket, and jumps out of the truck. She runs after Cat, grabbing the small girl’s hand as she reaches her, and flinches when Cat spins round, anger clear in her eyes.

         “Please will you just fucking listen to me?” She pleads. She feels herself getting angry, she knows she should’ve told Cat, but fuck, she isn’t her keeper, Ellie shouldn’t have to explain herself or ask for fucking permission. 

         “What, so you can lie to me again?” Cat’s face is pained, her dark brows knitted together, her eyes bulging, creating lines of anger on her pale skin. “I asked you what was going on, I talked about going back to Seattle, and you didn’t say anything. You could’ve told me. You should’ve told me.” Cat pushes Ellie back, not really doing much damage, but it hurts, nonetheless.

         “I fucking know, Cat.” Ellie holds her palms out; her whole body feels dizzy. She’s resisting the urge to start shouting. “I know I should’ve said something. But you were already angry at me for leaving which, by the way, wasn’t my fucking fault, and I just- I didn’t wanna upset you anymore. I wanted-”

         “Let me guess. To find the right time. To not hurt me. Well, guess what Ellie, you-”

         “Cat, not everything is fucking about you!”

         Cat goes silent, her eyes wide, her jaw clenched.

         “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

         Ellie runs her hands through her hair, pulling it out of the bun it’s twirled into.

         “Did you ever think that maybe I wanted to stay because I feel good here? I’m laughing again, I’m sleeping through the night and- and I’m fucking playing again for the first time since- since the accident. I like it here, I’ve got a job, two jobs, I’ve got friends, I’ve got Shimmer.” 

I’ve got Dina.

         Cat is just rooted to the spot, her face tight, her hands coming to wrap around her body.

         “I feel like I can actually make something out of myself, like I can actually be better than fucking Manny or Abby.” The names make Cat flinch. “I’m gonna finally finish fucking high school. I’m not gonna have to cause trouble and sleep with one eye open anymore. Seattle’s a fucking hellhole, Cat, and I’ve got a chance to get out of there.”

         Cat’s eyes flutter. “But what about me?”

         Ellie’s face recoils, her chin jutting out. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to abandon you, and that’s not what I wanna do now. But this is a really great place for me here.”

         Cat nods, fresh tears springing to her eyes. “I know. I know it is. I can see it.”

         Ellie kicks the dirt at the ground. “This is stupid.”

         Cat snorts, wringing her hands together. “I know.”

         Ellie looks up at her, mouth parted. “Can we be okay? I’m not leaving you or turning my back on you. Got that?”

         Ellie nudges Cat’s foot with her own, tilting her head to catch Cat’s eyeline, and the other girl gives a small nod. “Yeah. Okay.”

         Ellie looks over at the barn, spotting the soft lights twinkling through the cracks in the wood panels. Jesse must still be in there. She gently takes Cat’s hand. “Come on.”

         They sit on the hay bales for hours just talking, talking about everything they could possibly talk about. They hadn’t seen each other for a few months at most, but it felt like the first time they were really talking in a long time, the first time Ellie could talk. They talked about the high school classes Ellie wanted to sign up for that started in the fall, about the shifts at the clinic, about Ellie maybe wanting to become a vet, and then about Jesse and Gabriel and Anita, Shimmer, even fucking Ezra, and Dina. They talked about Cat’s life back at the home, how Manny got moved after Ellie knocked his fucking teeth out, how Abby had become even bitchier since Ellie had left, but how she’d got knocked with community service of her own (that had given Ellie some satisfaction. Abby had always been a bitch to her, and when Manny had opened his goddamn mouth, that had been the last straw.) They spoke about everything, just laying on those stacks and bales for hours, they’d heard a truck pull up, no doubt to drop Dina off, but they’d kept talking.

         “You’ve changed.” Cat’s face is turned upwards towards Ellie now, and Ellie rolls her body round to face Cat fully.

         “I know. But I think it was about time, don’t you?” She rests her head on the side of her bicep.

         “Yeah. It was. You’re right, as fucking usual.” Both girls just giggle, and Cat turns serious once more, leaning forward towards Ellie. “I just hate change. I just… I miss you.”

         “I miss you too.”

         They lay there for a couple of beats, just letting the dust settle. Their faces are almost touching, Cat’s breath fanning over Ellie’s face, her eyes meeting Ellie’s through her lashes, and there’s a moment that feels all too familiar to every moment like this that came before it. Ellie feels the pull she’s felt a thousand times before, years ago, in moments of youth, Cat’s within reach of her, and she sees it in Cat’s eyes. But the pull isn’t as strong, it’s dull, a feeling of muscle memory rather than genuine feeling. Ellie’s mind is thinking of big brown eyes, curled dark ringlets, tanned skin. She can’t do this to Cat, she can’t give her false hope, and so she sits up. Cat looks visibly let down, but Ellie clears her throat, straightening her back, she can’t see that. She won’t see that.

         “Ahem.”

         Both girls' heads whip up to the sound of the intrusion, and Ellie lets out a small gasp when her green eyes are met with Dina’s dark ones. They’re looking at her with a strange look to them, searching hers for something that Ellie doesn’t know if she can give her. She doesn’t know what the question is, and she doesn’t know her answer.

         “Sorry, I’m interrupting. I just wanted to check you guys got home safe. I-” Dina rambles, but comes up short. She opens her mouth to talk again, her eyes glassy, her movements hesitant, until she just shakes her head slightly, and backs out of the door as Ellie goes to answer her. She doesn’t even get the first word out before the side door of the barn is shut.

         They end up crashing in opposite ends of Ellie’s bed, with her head by Cat’s feet, and the other girl falls asleep almost instantly. Sleep doesn’t come so easily to Ellie, though, she feels jittery, her body full of fuel, and her mind full of the look on Dina’s face when she found Cat and Ellie on the hay bales. Ellie just can’t fucking figure this girl out, or what she feels for her, or what is going on between them. Something shifted tonight, but it’s overwhelming after everything that’s happened. Everything that’s happening. Ellie can’t keep up, she wants to scream into her pillow, into the dark, into a goddamn abyss. Her head feels like a personal cinema, and it's shit, because it keeps playing the adverts, and when it finally gets to the conflict, it cuts out, and the ads start again. Until it goes dark, and the credits roll, and Ellie falls into the worst sleep she’s had in awhile. 

~

         “So, a vet, huh?”

         Ellie glances over her shoulder, to Cat, who is holding onto her from the back of the saddle. She’s leaving this morning, and so Ellie had wanted to take her out on Shimmer before she left, to leave things on a good note. There’s still some residual awkwardness on Ellie’s part from last night, even if there seemingly isn’t any on Cat’s side. They were over in the meadows round the back of all the paddocks, and the sun was just starting to rise. Ellie hadn’t been able to sleep, and had woken up Cat pretty early, much to the other girl’s chagrin, but she had figured Cat would get over it pretty quickly. She was right, because as soon as they got out onto the open field, Cat hadn’t been able to contain her awe, and Ellie would be lying if it didn’t make her a little smug.

         “Yeah, I don’t know, Marlene said I’d be good at it or somethin’.” Ellie mumbles.

         Cat grins, resting her head on Ellie’s shoulder, last night’s moment clearly forgotten. “Stop underselling yourself. It makes sense that you’re a secret animal whisperer.”

         “How’d you figure that?”

         “Well, you’re shit with people, Ells, I don’t know if you’ve noticed.”

         “Hey!” Ellie chuckles, swatting at Cat with her free hand, the reins gripped in her left. Cat dodges and laughs. Ellie doesn’t think that’s the case anymore, though, she thinks about how much she’s gelled with the people she’s met here in Jackson, if you don’t count that one guy she punched in the face, and she smiles. It’s a small smile, a private tug of the lips. 

         “I know it sucks, and I’m not great at showing it, but…” Cat lets out a deep breath. Ellie’s eyes are cast downward, catching glimpses of Cat’s hanging sneakers, waiting. “This place is incredible, Ells, really. I can see why you love it here so much.”

         “Thanks, Cat.” She knows that took a lot, so she doesn’t tease her about it, instead turning Shimmer homeward bound.

When they get back to the ranch, Ellie helps Cat pack up the last of her belongings, and they hug as she says goodbye to her. Cat climbs into Isaac’s car, Anita has set them with a whole Tupperware of leftovers from the day before, and Ellie waves them off as they start the mammoth of a journey that is the drive back to Seattle. She takes a deep breath, watching the dusty smoke swirl up off the path from the tires of Isaac’s car, until they disappear, and she turns back towards the house, in search of a cup of coffee. When she gets inside, the house is normal, but she feels different. 

“Hey Anita, is Dina around?”

Anita turns round and gives Ellie a warm smile, but confusion registers on her face.

“No, she went out early this morning. I assumed you’d gone with her.”

Ellie hums, her brows furrowing slightly. Dina knew that Monday’s were Ellie’s free days, and they always exercised some of the horses before Dina had school and went out for a trail ride when she got back. Ellie didn’t mind that she’d missed it, maybe she was hungover from last night and had just gotten up late for school, but it was weird for the girl not to even say anything. She shrugged it off, figuring she’d see the girl after school and sat down to eat breakfast. She spent the rest of the day with Jesse, helping him with chores, and sitting in the Quonset with him, fixing up old motorcycles and machinery that needed repairing. The day came and went, they’d driven into town to go to The Tipsy Bison for lunch, into the feed stores to order supplies for the horses, so that by the time Jesse was pulling up into the drive, Ellie was itching to jump out and go and see Dina. She wanted one last ride before the sun went down, to get rid of some of the jitters she was carrying from the night before.

“Whoa, cowgirl. Everything okay, freckles?”

“Shut up.” Ellie rolls her eyes at Jesse, and jumps out of the passenger seat as soon as Jesse pulls up, not even waiting for him to turn off the engine, as she’s speed-walking up to the front door, trying not to look pathetic as she stops herself from breaking into a sprint. Jesse just shouts after her, something about carrying everything himself, but she doesn’t hear it. No-one’s in the kitchen, but Anita and Gabriel are sitting in the living room, as Gabriel is filling in paperwork, and Anita is reading, and Ellie stops just behind them, breathless.

“Is Dina in her room?”

Gabriel turns round in surprise, arching an eyebrow at Ellie’s state.

“No, she called us to tell us she was going to a friend’s house. Is everything OK?”

Ellie blushes, stammering. “Uh, yeah. Yeah, everything’s fine.”

She was such a fucking idiot. Ellie backs out of the house, shutting the door behind her, looking out onto the land. Dina had gone out; she had no reason to be as upset as she was. The girl had other friends, for fuck sake. Ellie wasn’t special. It just stung. 

Me [5:17pm]: Hey, everything okay?

Me [5:53pm]: I just gave Japan an apple with his feed, he was so cute 

Me [6:49pm]: Outgoing call to Princess.

Me [9:00pm]: Have I done something wrong 

         Ellie deletes the last text message before she sends it and stuffs her phone under her pillow. Dina isn’t her fucking girlfriend, but she would just be lying to herself if she tried to act naive to the reason why she cares so much. (Especially after the other night.) But what she doesn’t get is why the other girl has completely turned on her, especially since she had thrown herself into Ellie’s arms back at the bar. She’d even come to check on them that night when they were sitting on the hay bales. She stifles a scream, Seattle may have been tough but at least you knew where you stood with everyone, and you knew exactly what they wanted from you or to do to you. Here, she was thrown into the deep end, and she was drowning.

         She falls asleep, swearing she can hear the text tone of her phone, so the first thing she does once she opens her eyes in the morning is unlock her phone.

         No new messages.

Chapter Text

“Why do they always go in the house when there’s clearly something spooky happening?”

            Ellie takes a swig of her beer and laughs, only grimacing slightly as the girl onscreen creeps into the house, despite the obvious shadow lurking there. It’s the last week of October, and today had been particularly tough, with the weather cooling down and the horses getting bolder and more energetic, so Ellie and Jesse had finished early out of sheer exhaustion. They’d ordered pizza, got in beers and rented old slasher movies from the old blockbuster down the road, and they’d been lounging on the sofa in Jesse’s trailer all evening drinking, eating and screaming at the tiny box Jesse called a TV. 

            “Because it’s a dumb movie, how else are they gonna do it?”

            Ellie makes a face, as the girl gets jumped on by the killer, and gets her throat slashed. “Hm, true. At least she’s hot.”

            Jesse chokes on his beer, and Ellie cackles at him as she takes another slice of pizza. They’d demolished their way through one large already and had another one waiting just in case they were still hungry after. Good move on their part, she thinks as she takes a huge bite, the cheese and tomato melting in her mouth as she groans happily. It was fucking good pizza. They’d asked Dina if she’d wanted to join once she had gotten in from school, but she’d mumbled something about homework and had run upstairs to her room. Ellie wasn’t buying it, the girl still hadn’t talked to her properly since that night at karaoke, and she’d barely replied to her texts. Dina loved junk food, shitty beer, and movies, but apparently what she didn’t like was Ellie, which was bugging the other girl to no avail. She takes one quick glance at Jesse, then back at the movie, steadying her nerves.

            “Hey, listen, has Dina been kinda… I don’t know, weird with you lately?” Ellie doesn’t look away from the screen, but she can feel Jesse’s eyes on her.

            “Weird how?”

            She shrugs. “Just kinda, like… distant, I guess.”

            Jesse takes a bite of a slice of pizza, chewing slowly, his face thoughtful. “I mean, she’s got a show next month,” he says through a mouth of cheese and pepperoni, “and she’s training like crazy. I wouldn’t take it too personal.”

            Ellie hums, finishing off the slice in her hand, not making direct eye contact with Jesse. It was true, she had seen Dina practising every day before and after school. At first, she didn’t think much of it, but as Dina made excuse after excuse to not ride with her, and responded to less and less of her messages, Ellie had started to think it might have been a way of avoiding her. Ellie hadn’t heard anything about a show, normally Dina told her stuff like that, especially after she’d opened up to the other girl. But she hadn’t heard anything at all from Dina lately, and honestly, it was starting to get to her.

            “Hey.” She looks up, knocked out of her thoughts, and Jesse’s looking at her, something resembling concern in his eyes. “Don’t sweat it.”

            She expects a tirade of mockery, and for him to not shut the fuck up about how she’s soft for the owner’s daughter, but he doesn’t. She kinda hates it though, because she’d rather be preoccupied with dealing with his stupid ass than the time in her own head to rethink the moment, they locked eyes while she was onstage. While she was singing. She can’t get the look on Dina’s face out of her head, which makes this weird silent treatment all the more fucking irritating. 

            “Listen, it’s cattle drive season soon.” Jesse rests the back of his head against his arm, taking another swig of beer as the movie plays quietly in the background.

            “What the fuck is a cattle drive?” Ellie looks at him half-heartedly, paying more attention to the friends discovering the girl’s body onscreen than she probably should. 

            “Me, boss man and a few of the ranchers near here are helpin’ move Ezra’s cattle over to the other fields for the winter.” Jesse gives his bottle a small shake, and shots the rest of it, chucking into the small trash can across the room with a flick of his wrist, and clapping when he gets it in.

            “So, what? You move them on horses?”

            “No, we run next to the cows on foot.” He deadpans, and then scoffs when he sees Ellie’s baffled expression. “Yes, dumbass, we ride cuttin’ horses to round them up. To let the grass breathe. I was thinking you could come along, maybe even bring Shimmer.”

            Ellie raises her eyebrows. “Do you think she’d be up for that?”

            Jesse shrugs. “I don’t see why not. We’re only moving them up past old man Seth’s land. It’s not much further than that. Whaddya say?”

            Ellie nods fervently, the thought of getting out her Stetson hat again making her giddy, she feels like she’s a child waiting to dress up for a game of cowboys and Indians. “Holy shit, yes, I wanna join. That sounds so cool.”

            “Nice. Take Shimmer out, see if you can pin Dina down to help you teachin’ her how to cut. The girl’s not half-bad.” That briefly dulls Ellie’s excitement, but she pushes the feeling aside, she knows this is going to be fucking awesome. Wind in their hair, cowboy hats on, galloping across fields.

            “We’re gonna be badass cowboys.” She whispers, eyes wide, chin resting on the top of her beer bottle, and is met with a pillow to the face.

            “You’re lame as fuck, dude. Watch the fucking movie.”

~

            Little, beady eyes are staring up at her, the black orbs staring into her soul and Ellie swallows, her throat dry, as the little thing mewls as she injects clear liquid into it. She feels like a goddamn kitten strangler, but this little guy is on the last of its vaccinations, and it’s her first successful patient. She feels pretty fucking giddy about it if she’s honest. She takes out the needle, and strokes the kitten’s head, who instantly starts purring and rubbing its head against her knuckles, and she lets out a small chuckle. Oh, to be a tiny fur ball, with not a worry in the world.

            “This fella is ready to get picked up today, would you mind calling Mrs. Grace to tell her?” Marlene smiles at Ellie, scooping up the small fluffball, and Ellie nods. Marlene takes the kitten into another room, no doubt for some sort of bath, and Ellie walks through to the reception, and practically collapses down into the seat next to Leah, the receptionist who, objectively, was gorgeous. Not that Ellie was paying attention.

            “Tough day?” Leah grins at her, her dark blonde hair tied back into a fishtail braid, thick-rimmed glasses resting on her pointed nose. Ellie rolls her eyes, reaching for the phone, and looking for the kitten’s owner’s telephone numbers in the disarrayed mess of post-it note reminders on the desk.

            “Better now I’ve seen you.” Ellie can’t help but admit, she’s gotten a lot more confidence lately, and it’s not that she’s flirty or anything, but she’s finding it a lot easier lately to click with people. Leah was no exception, in the time she’d been taking shifts at the clinic, she and Leah had found a surprisingly easy banter between them. They’d started taking lunch breaks together, and Ellie would come and irritate her whenever she had a gap between clients.

            “Nah, it’s okay, just gotta call a client and tell her to pick her little fluff ball up.” Ellie picks up a yellow post-it note with the words 601-555-0174 - CALL TODAY ASAP!! and starts punching in the numbers. The phone is ancient, so it takes a couple of tries to get it right, and Leah shakes her head at Ellie, batting the auburn-haired girl away with her hands.

            “This is painful to watch, let me do it.” She takes the phone lightly from Ellie’s hands, she’s incredibly graceful compared to Ellie’s clumsy grip, and has the dial tone within seconds. Ellie blushes, hands coming to rub the nape of her neck, and she just watches as the other girl chats away amicably through the receiver. She’s getting the hang of the whole people thing, but she doesn’t think she’ll ever be that good. 

            “There. All done. Anything else you need, boss?” Leah’s eyes twinkle, and Ellie just grins sheepishly. Leah takes off her glasses, and is polishing them against her cardigan, when Ellie notices the older girl’s left hand, and the lack of something sparkly.

            “He didn’t propose?” Her eyebrows are in her hairline, and confusion is clear on Leah’s face, until understanding registers in her eyes, followed by annoyance.

            “Sometimes I think I wear the pants in this relationship, I swear to God. Still no ring.” She jokes, and Ellie laughs along with her. Last week, on one of their lunch breaks, Leah had ordered in burgers for everyone, and they’d sat in the back rooms chatting about the huge dinner Leah’s boyfriend, Jordan, had been planning for them. Leah was sure he’d propose, but apparently, he’d chickened out. Ellie couldn’t blame the guy; Leah was a force of nature. She reminded her of Dina. When Dina wasn’t actively ignoring Ellie’s existence. She shakes her head; she doesn’t need to be reminded of that right now.

            “Why don’t you propose to him?” Ellie asks, genuinely. She never got the whole guy having to propose. It could be down to the fact of her being a huge raging lesbian, but honestly, it would be cool as fuck to see Leah propose to Jordan. He’s come in a couple of times to bring her coffee, and they’re cute as fuck together. 

            “Hm.” Leah ponders that over for a second, then looks up at Ellie. “You just might be onto something there, Williams.” she grins, her southern accent coming through ever so slightly.

            “Glad I could help.” Ellie’s got her legs up against the desk, but she takes them down now, clearing her throat as she takes a stand from her seat. “I gotta get back, we’ve got another couple check-ups to do before lunch.”

            “I’ll try not to miss you too much.”

            “Oh my god. Whatever.”

            She walks back into the surgery room, Leah’s cackles fading behind her.

            “And that’s the last of them.”

Marlene scratches behind the ears of an old-timer, a border-collie, as the owner attaches its leash to its collar, and Ellie rushes to help lift her slowly down from the tabletop. It was having some joint issues, after having spent its life helping on herding sheep and cattle drives, and just needed some veterinary TLC. As the dog turns round in her arms to slobber all over her face, Ellie laughs, and the love for this job grows. As reluctant as she was to start working with Marlene, it really is one of the best parts of her week. The owner signs out at the front desk, and Leah locks the front doors behind them, sighing as she removes her glasses and pinches her nose. Ellie feels that. After everything is put back into place, and ordered, they make their way into the back rooms to collect their belongings and clock out for the day. Ellie and Leah are laughing, opening the side door to make their way to the parking lot, until Marlene’s voice rings out loud and clear, interrupting the easy atmosphere between the two girls.

            “Not so fast, Ellie.”

            Ellie groans quietly, her eyes going up into their sockets, as Leah giggles. Ellie thought she would have been able to avoid this, but she should’ve known better. Leah gives the red head a sly wink, singing her goodbye, and walks to her little outdated Buick, leaving Ellie alone. Until Marlene catches up with her.

            “I thought we could take a little trip.” Marlene smiles at her, dangling her keys in front of Ellie, who musters a half-smile, eyes looking longingly at Firefly. If I could just-

            “It won’t take that long. Promise.” Marlene sees Ellie’s line of sight, this woman is fucking psychic, and Ellie knows this isn’t a battle worth fighting.

            “Fine.” She sighs, following Marlene to her truck.

            God help me.

~

            “Marlene.”

The pipe dream of finishing high school had always been a distant dream of Ellie’s, and it was only in the last couple of weeks that it was shifting from smoke, that she could only waft her hands through, into something real, something she could hold onto. She’d started looking up classes, even telling people she wanted to finish her GED, but in no way had she actually signed up to anything. She knows she’s been putting it off, but apparently, she can’t do that anymore because in front of her is a huge, can’t-miss-it sign that reads JACKSON COUNTY COMMUNITY COLLEGE and she wants to scream.

            “What are we doing here?” It’s nice, because that feeling of panic isn’t so immediate, her breath is still very much coming to her, which it wouldn’t have done a month ago if Marlene had dropped this on her. But what sucks is that she still wants to fucking run and bury her head in the sand.

            “Relax, Ellie. We’re just having a look.” 

            Ellie looks helplessly at Marlene, who ignores her, turning off the ignition of her truck, and stuffs her keys in her pocket. They both get out of the vehicle, and Ellie trudges up to the main entrance of the college, and she is not prepared for what she sees. She’s instantly enveloped in a sea of people leaving as the last bell rings out, every one of them different. She gets community college is open to everyone but holy shit she’s never seen so many different types of people in one place in her life. (If you don’t count the home, that is).

            They walk in through the front sliding doors, and Ellie looks around in what can only be described as wide-eyed amazement, her mouth gaping open, her feet stuck to the ground, unable to move her forward. She doesn’t notice Marlene looking at her through crinkled eyes, but she notices the buzz that’s in the hallways.

            “Come on, I wanna show you something.”

            Ellie’s head flits back to Marlene, who has already started walking down the hallway. Ellie picks up a light jog to catch up, and they walk through the halls, down winding corridors, and Ellie wonders how Marlene knows her way around this building so well. They pass a couple of nondescript doors, which Ellie doesn’t think too much about, until Marlene throws a sharp turn into one of them, and Ellie’s left spinning as she stumbles after the older woman.

            “Marlene! What are you doin’ here?”

            Ellie peers out behind Marlene, and her eyes lock onto a woman sitting behind a desk at the end of the room, which Ellie realises is a small lecture hall. The woman is older than both her and Marlene, dark skin and sharp, wrinkled eyes, but her expression is soft as she gets up from the desk to make her way over to the two of them, throwing her arms around Marlene.

            “Hey, Iris. How you been?” Marlene laughs as the older woman fusses over her.

            “Same as ever, girlie. Who’s this you brought to see me?” The woman looks Ellie over, squinting at her, no doubt over the slit in her eyebrow and huge tattoo down her arm, but she gives her a warm smile nonetheless as she holds out her hand. Ellie takes it, shaking her hand, and she’s taken aback at the grip the elderly woman has, Jesus Christ.

            “This is Ellie, she’s working at the clinic a couple of times a week.”

            Iris looks at Marlene, even though the woman next to Ellie is a fair amount taller than the older woman, Iris still seems to be looking down at her. It makes Ellie laugh. Joel would have had a field day with the woman’s fire, but the thought of it makes Ellie’s heart pang.

            “I’m guessing this visit has a purpose. You’re not just droppin’ in on your old teacher for the heck of it, are you?” she sniffs. Ellie grins, until it clicks.

            “Wait, teacher?” She gapes, her head flitting between the two women. 

            Marlene chuckles, incredulity plastered across faces. “I know this may come as a shock to you, Ellie, but I wasn’t always on the right track either. Especially not at your age.”

            Iris guffaws then, whacking Marlene across her shoulder. Or at least, trying, but she’s a good foot taller than the younger woman, and she hits just above her elbow instead. 

            “I’ve known this once since she was a little’un. Always causing trouble.”

            Ellie’s still slack-jawed, struggling to picture Marlene, who holds herself so fucking tall and sure of herself, getting into scrapes as a kid. 

            “Not here, though, right?” Out of the corner of her eye she sees Iris look at her in confusion, so she continues. “Like, tell me she taught you at a proper university, and not a community college?” She stammers.

            “She, ha! Talkin’ bout me like I’m not standing right here.” Ellie winces, fuck, her mind is just spinning. She feels like she’s a walking rubix cube. 

            “As a matter of fact, it was in this very classroom, girl.” Iris puts a hand on her hip and gestures to the empty auditorium, her voice echoing. Ellie’s mouth parts open as she really takes in the room around her, memorising every detail, every chair, every stain, every spot. She looks back at Marlene, her brows slightly furrowed. The other woman has one eyebrow raised and a smug smile on her face, and Ellie really doesn’t like where this is going. Her pride is already wounded.

            “She’s right. I saw something in you, Ellie, and that something was me. I started my journey to be a vet in this very room. And you know who put me on that path?”

            She stares at Ellie, and the redhead just tilts her head, unsure of what she wants her to say. “Gabriel.”

            Ellie scoffs. This isn’t happening right now. 

            “I was getting into trouble, just like you. And, I was in that loft, just like you are.”

“What?” Ellie breathes, her whole face scrunched, her palms sweaty. She doesn’t have words; it’s all hitting a little too close to home for her. It’s all becoming too real. She could really do this, and she know Marlene is trying to show her that it’s possible, but honestly, it’s fucking terrifying.

“I did the classes here. Night classes, admittedly. I know how hard Gabe can work you.”

Ellie just blinks, expelling a breath of amused disbelief.  

“You’re fucking kidding me.” She’s shaking her head to herself, eyes darting to the floor.

“Language.” Iris scolds, but then smiles warmly when Ellie turns towards her, a living montage of emotions. “Come sit. I got a few things for you to see.”

They spent the next hour looking through countless class textbooks, handbooks, curriculum specs, and listening to Iris talk about the course she taught, and endless anecdotes about a younger Marlene. Almost all of them involved Marlene falling asleep in classes, making the whole room stink of horse shit (although Iris had put this more eloquently) and causing general trouble. It comforted Ellie a hell of a lot more than she thought it would, the thought of Marlene being as much of a mess as she was. The thought of Marlene sleeping in the loft where she now slept, mucking out the same stalls she did. She wondered if it even would have been the same horses, how old Marlene really was. She knew Marlene was younger than Gabe, and she’d figured they’d have just known each other through her business, but she hadn’t realised the bond went that deep. She knew Gabriel was a good man, but holy shit apparently, he was a fucking saint. She must have zoned out for a second, because both women are now looking at her, reading her, and she turns a dark red, blending in with her freckles.

            “Whaddya say, Ellie?” Iris asks.

            “Uh, what?” Ellie stammers. She’s embarrassing herself; she knows it from the expression on the professor’s face, but she can’t help it. This isn’t how she expected to spend this evening.

            “Classes.” Marlene interrupts. “Night classes are already underway, but there’s an opening that starts in a few weeks, why don’t you go along? We can sign you up today.”

            “Oh, I dunno, there’s a lot of work to do at the ranch, and I don’t know if-”

            “Just… Try it out for a few weeks, and if it gets too much, fine. But at least try them, Ellie.” Marlene looks at her, her eyes full, full of almost desperation. Ellie doesn’t understand why the woman wants her to do this so bad, but part of her knows that she doesn’t have to understand, that she just needs to do it. So she nods.

            “Okay. I’ll give them a go.”

            The two women cheer, and over the course of the next half an hour, they get her signed up to classes, get her equipped with some textbooks, and her brain is spinning when they leave, waving goodbye to Iris as they walk back through the corridors as students start to arrive for their late night learning. They pass a group of kids her age, none of them paying her any mind, except from one girl. She’s maybe a year or two older than Ellie, with light brown skin and wide eyes, a hard jaw. But she offers Ellie a small smile, which Ellie awkwardly returns, and they keep eye contact for a few beats. Then, one of the other teenagers is talking to the girl and the moment’s gone, just as Marlene and Ellie reach the front doors. Ellie’s looking down at the papers in her hand, and her mind is reeling. She walked into this building Ellie the high school dropout, and she’s leaving a fucking college student. This place was doing things to her, but it feels good. It feels right.

~

            Her fingers are fumbling as she attempts for the umpteenth time to roll the set of bandages she’s holding around this horse's leg, but it just comes out lopsided again. Now that Halloween is coming up, Gabriel has started renting out some of his horses for events and hayrides. Jesse’s been busy helping Dina train, and so that means the extra work has been handed to Ellie, who had never wrapped a bandage around anything let alone a horse's leg before. Apparently, it was something that required a real knack to it. Who fucking knew, right?

            The horse standing in front of her starts shuffling, stomping his back legs on the floor, clearly getting irritated at her incompetence. She doesn’t blame the guy, she’s useless.

            “Can you just hold still, fucker?” She whispers through her teeth, as the horse shakes off the bandage, the brown cloth crumpling to the floor. She wants to scream, so instead she just settles for letting out a high-pitched whine into her hands, resisting the urge to bite her arm and scream into that. This was not her day. She bends down to pick up the brown cloth so that she can roll it up again, when her ears prick as she hears a commotion outside. Or she hears a scream outside, coming from a voice she knows way too well.

            “I can’t fucking do this, Jesse!” Dina shouts, leaning back as she brings Japan to a slow canter from a gallop. Ellie’s walking towards the sand school, rolling the bandage in her hands as she walks. Jesse’s sitting on the fence, while Dina and Japan are in the pen together, galloping round, no doubt practising for her fall show. When Ellie reaches the fence, she slots her foot between two of the slats, and pulls herself to clamber over the wood, perching next to Jesse.

            “What’s she doing?” she asks, looking down at the bandage in her hand, which has come slightly undone. She sighs and unrolls it again, starting the process again.

            “The death drag.” Jesse sniggers at the look on Ellie’s face, and bashes her with his elbow. “Relax, it’s just a name. It’s a hard move, though, we’ve been working on it all week.”

            Yeah, I know, I’ve been doing all your chores this week, jackass. Ellie rolls her eyes at him, but he’s too busy focusing on Dina, and so the redhead turns towards the girl, curiosity piqued. 

            “You got this, Dina! Go on girl!” Jesse shouts, cupping his mouth with his hands. 

            Ellie’s hands falter as Dina kicks Japan on back into a gallop, flying around the rink as she steadies herself, bringing her left foot up to Japan’s shoulder as she grips her right into a loop on the saddle. It looks uncomfortable, but she’s not in it for long before she’s hurling herself over the fucking horse what the fuck is she doing oh my god, and Ellie audibly gasps, her eyes bulging as Dina’s hanging on the side of Japan with one leg in the air, the other still attached to the loop as he gallops past Jesse and Ellie.

            Jesse cackles as Dina whirs past, the pure impact making her rock in her position as Japan thunders around the arena. Ellie on the other hand, looks like an idiot, mouth wide open, unable to form sounds, let alone words.

            “Okay, now get back up.” Jesse shouts out, and Dina throws a thumbs up at him, as she tries to throw her body back up towards the saddle. But she doesn’t get up, instead jolting unnaturally back down by Japan’s legs, farther back than she was before as he turns a corner, his hooves mere inches from her face. She cries out, her neck bent at a weird angle.

            “Dina!” Jesse shouts, his face a picture of panic. “Get the fuck up!”

            “I can’t!” She screams, her voice piercing holes in Ellie’s ears, her left leg flailing in the air. Jesse launches himself off the fence, running towards Japan, his arms outstretched, as the horse lets out a high pitched whiny, kicking his back legs out in retaliation, his legs going for miles in the air. That’s when Dina’s foot comes free, and she is pelted into the sand with fucking force, and she lets out a cry of pain, pure agony coming through. The second Dina hits the floor, Ellie’s throat opens, and her legs are taking her sprinting towards the girl crumpled on the floor, the bandage dropped behind her.

            “Dina!” she screams, her voice raw. Ellie throws herself down towards Dina, who’s in a foetal position on the floor, clutching her ankle. “Are you okay?”

            “Do I fucking look okay?” Dina cries out, tears of pure shock running down her face. Jesse gently pushes Ellie aside, hands reaching towards Dina’s ankle, slowly removing her boot, and holding her ankle over in his large hands. When he gently prods the arch of her foot, she cries out in pain, fresh tears springing to her eyes. Ellie crouches there, helplessly, as Jesse assesses her ankle. She knows she’s being unhelpful, she feels like dead weight, and Japan’s still trotting around, snorting, so she gets up and goes to get hold of him, calming him down. When she’s got hold of his reins, Jesse’s got Dina leaning against his shoulders, her arm around his neck, and she’s limping as he leads her out of the school, towards the barn, no doubt to find her something to sit on. The house is too far to get her to right now, so Ellie trails after them with Japan, her chest tight. Dina’s ankle looks pretty swollen, and considering she’s got a show in a few weeks, Ellie’s worried. 

            Jesse tries as gently as he can to help Dina down onto a hay bale in the barn, but she slumps down, and hisses through her teeth at the sharp jolt. He disappears into the office while Ellie takes Japan into his stall, manoeuvring past the horse already tied up, and starts instantly untacking him. She removes the saddle, bridle and then bandages, and balances them over his stable door. When she’s done, she lets herself out of his stable door, and makes her way over to Dina, looking at the floor.

            “Is it hurting?” she asks, quietly. It’s the first time her and Dina have really spoken all week, except at the dinner table, where even then Dina’s been quiet or excused.

            “No, it feels fantastic, Ellie, thanks for asking.” Dina squints at her, her lips turned town as she scoffs. Her face is red hot from something, maybe embarrassment, and it takes Ellie aback, her hands opening up in front of her. She’s about to respond when Jesse comes back from the office with a little sports ice pack, one of the ones that you crack, and it starts cooling down for you to use. He hands it to Dina, who accepts it gratefully and presses it into her ankle. 

            “Is it broken?” Dina asks Jesse, her eyes worried.

            “Nah,” he looks it over again, his eyes narrowing as he scans the swelling. “Just swollen from impact. Just make you stay off it for a couple days.” 

            “Thank fuck for that.” Dina breathes a sigh of relief, her whole body untensing and slumping further down into the hay. “I’ll still be able to do my show.”

            “Focus on the next couple of days first. We should get you to a hospital though, just to double check.” She nods, and he helps her up. 

            Ellie plays with her fingers, not really knowing what to do with herself. “Do you want me to drive?” she asks, and Jesse shakes his head as he leads Dina out of the barn towards his truck. 

            “Nah, just let Gabriel and Anita know what's going on.”

            They leave the barn, and she’s left standing there alone, feeling weirdly pushed to the side. Which is, you know, really shitty of her, when Dina could’ve broken her foot, but it’s whatever.

~

            Gabriel and Anita weren’t exactly happy with the news, but it’s been a couple days now, and Dina’s been off school, so they’ve just been doting on her since the whole thing happened. She’s been moping around the ranch for the last few days, with everyone treading on eggshells and, honestly, Ellie finds it kind of laughable. She’d broken a few of her fingers from an unfortunate incident, and Joel had just laughed at her, and handed her a hammer, and told her to get to work. She laughs to herself, coffee mug in hand as she leans against the barn door, looking out onto the late afternoon sun over the ranch, and finds herself feeling warm. It’s been a long time since she could think of Joel and not feel that gut-wrenching drop of her stomach. Instead, she downs the last of her coffee, and sets it down on the floor outside of the barn, as she goes back to what she was doing. Anita had brought her coffee and cookies and she’s been seriously waylaid with her chores that day.

            She’s halfway-through scrubbing a saddle when she hears a thumb and a cry of pain. Her head whips up, auburn hair in her eyes, as she makes out Dina stood there next to one of the saddle’s she hasn’t gotten around to cleaning yet.

            “Ugh. Can you put this saddle back where it belongs please?” Dina snipes at her.

            Ellie rises to her feet instantly from her perch on the hay bale outside of Shimmer’s stall, and scoffs. “Whoa, okay, I was going to. I’ve just been busy, okay? I’m in the middle of cleaning them all.”

            “Well, you weren’t busy enough to watch me the other day, were you? That’s an expensive saddle on the fucking floor, Ellie.” she bites back.

            Ellie sets the saddle she’s holding aside, and warily makes her way over to the saddle laying in front of Dina, slowly picking it up as she eyes up Dina. “Sorry.” Dina raises her eyebrows, almost as if to provoke Ellie. “Sorry. I didn’t know.”

            She shoves the saddle back on its hook against the wall, but then scoffs at herself. Back in Seattle, if someone even looked at her funny, she’d have gone ape shit, and it’d have ended in a bloody nose. Why the fuck was she apologising?

            “I was watching you for five minutes, Dina, not an hour. Sorry your saddle was on the floor, but your Dad’s bringing more horses in by the day, you think I have time to make sure every little thing is put away while mucking out thirty horses and cleaning their tack?” Ellie’s getting irritated the more she runs her mouth, her fists bunching up next to her, her face heating up.

            “Isn’t that what Jesse is for?”

            “Pfft, yeah, right. When he’s not helping you train or organising the cattle drive. I’ve got to pick up his slack. I’ve still gotta exercise and groom Shimmer, like, I don’t even have time for my own horse right now. I’ve still gotta clean the rest of this tack.” Ellie’s brows are furrowed, her chest out. She never explains herself to people, and it feels weird on her tongue.

            “Well you know what, Ellie? That’s what hired hands do. It’s their job.”

            Ellie fucking snorts at that, Dina stood there, fucked up ankle and all in a medical boot, hands on her hips.

            “What the fuck Dina? What is your problem with me lately?” Ellie’s voice is raised now, her patience running thin. This weird attitude had been going on for a couple weeks now, and Ellie’s had enough. If Dina didn’t like Cat, that’s her business, but to take it out on Ellie was a shitty thing to do. 

            “I don’t have a fucking problem, Ellie.” Dina spits back.

            “That’s a joke if I’ve ever heard one.” Ellie runs her hair through her hair, messing up the half of her hair that’s pulled into a loose bun on the top of her head, but she doesn’t care. “You’ve been nothing but shitty to me lately, and it’s like you’re avoiding me.”

            Dina looks at the floor at that, and Ellie knows that she’s got her with that.

            “You’re acting like I’ve done something to piss you off. I’m staying, aren’t I?” The fierceness that was behind her voice just seconds ago sizzles out, and it gives away to desperation. Fuck this. She misses Dina, and she feels like shit that they haven’t been talking. It hurts, and she hasn’t wanted to admit it, her pride too important, but this is too much for her. It sucks.

            Dina just looks at her, her bottom lip quivering, but her eyes fiery. “Are you sure you even want to? Don’t you wanna check with your little girlfriend?”

            Ellie’s eyebrows snapped together, her mouth taking in a sharp inhale of air.  “What? Is that what this is about? Cat?”

            Ellie swears that Dina’s eyes are glistening because Dina’s voice comes out raw. “You fucking tell me, Ellie. You barely speak about her, and then she turns up here, acting like she owns you?”

            Ellie is truly baffled, why the fuck does Dina care about her and Cat? Even if they were something, which they’re not, why would it elicit a response like this from the other girl? Ellie has long since accepted that whatever feelings or fondness of Dina she has are unrequited, so this doesn’t make any fucking sense.

            “That is rich coming from you. You didn’t even tell me about your show next month, I had to hear it from fucking Jesse. Because you’ve been ignoring the fact I even exist for weeks.”

            They’re staring at each other now, Ellie breathing heavily, her arms spread wide either side of her, and Dina’s just crossing her arms, narrowing her eyes at the red head.

            “Why? What have I done?” Ellie is pleading now, her pride floating out of the window.

            Dina doesn’t respond, nor does she meet Ellie’s eyes, she just pinches her nose and shakes her head. “I can’t fucking deal with this right now, just make sure the tack is cleaned, okay?” 

            Ellie scoffs, her nostrils flaring, as Dina backs up and just walks out of the barn like that whole conversation hadn’t just happened. Words fail the redhead, Dina’s acting like she had when Ellie first got to the ranch, like they hadn’t spent the last couple of months growing closer, like Ellie hadn’t fucking confided in Dina, hadn’t let her in. This is why Ellie had such high walls, why she was on her guard every waking moment of every day, why she trusted no one in Seattle. She’d let Dina in, and had trusted her with things she hadn’t even shared with Jesse, and the darker haired girl had just thrown it back in her face. Ellie was hurt, her pride was smarting, and she felt so stupid. For the second time that week, she was left standing in the barn alone, feeling like the floor she was standing on had been ripped out from underneath her, leaving her bruised and breathless. She lashes out, kicking over some of the feed buckets, and cursing when the contents spills out all over the floor, creating more mess for her to clean up. She’d thought they were empty. Fuck.

~

            “C’mon, kiddo, you just gotta put your fingers like that and- yeah, perfect.” 

            Ellie narrows her eyes in concentration, her tongue poking out as she wills her hands to move across the strings in the way she’s seen Joel do a thousand times over. But it’s useless, because the sound that comes out is out-of-tune and tinny and sounds nothing like the opening chord to ‘Future Days’. She grunts in frustration, looking up at Joel with wide, helpless eyes, sending the older man into a bout of laughter.

            “Don’t give me those puppy dog eyes, I’m getting too soft in my old age.” He grins, ruffling her hair as she pokes her tongue out at him.

            “So you admit it, you’re old, ancient, practically about to blow away into dust.”

            “Jeez, kiddo, don’t send me to my grave just yet.” Joel takes a sip of coffee as he takes a seat on the stool in front of her, his eyes crinkled in Ellie’s direction, and she gives him a goofy smile in return, before she turns back to the guitar, trying again. The chord comes out okay, and she keeps going, the opening notes sounding quiet and unsure but tuneful, and Joel hums his approval. She stops, and looks at the older man, for something, encouragement maybe? Whatever it is she’s looking for, he gives it to her, with a warm smile and a curt nod. She plays again, and starts singing, the words embodied in her young, high voice.

            “If I ever were to lose you,

            I’d surely lose myself.”

            She looks up at Joel for some sort of confirmation that that was okay, but he’s got his eyes closed, his hands gripped around his coffee mug of a poorly painted owl that she’d made for him for Christmas the year before, and so she smiles and carries on.

            “ Everything I have found dear

I've not found by myself.”

            She looks up at Joel again, and he’s smiling at her, a big toothy grin this time, and she finds herself grinning back at him. “Sounding good, kiddo.”

            “I don’t really know this next bit, so I’ll just- yeah, I’ll just carry on.” She stammers, embarrassment heating up her freckled face. Joel just scoffs at her, but it’s full of humour and warmth, so she takes that as a good sign, considering she’s butchering his favourite song, and finishes.

            “I believe,

And I believe 'cause I can see,

Our future days,

Days of you and me.”

            Ellie waits a beat before looking up, nervousness leaking out of her in waves. She’d wanted this to be special, but the chords in the middle of the verse were too tricky, but she hoped she’d done the rest justice. He’d spent so much time teaching her and singing to her when she first came to him, that she wanted to do this. She wanted to make him proud.

            “Well now, that didn’t suck.”

            She rolls her eyes, her face stretched into a wide grin barely concealing a laugh, and she sets aside her guitar next to her.

            “Shut up.” She scoffs and plays with her fingers. It’s a nervous habit she’s always had.

            “Happy birthday old man.”

~

            “Hey, little guy.” Ellie coos, the little foal knocking her out of her daydreams and memories. She’s in the paddock, she was bringing in the last of the horses, when Shimmer and her foal had come trotting up to her. They were now nipping at her pockets, looking for some sort of treats, but she bats them away gently.

            “I don’t have anything.” She chuckles, but it’s devoid of humour.

            The foal is backing up onto her, and Ellie rolls her eyes; she knows exactly what the little dude wants. She reaches out and buries her hands in his back, scratching up and down along his spine. The little guy obviously enjoys it, because he’s got his teeth on show, his lips curled up and his neck stretched out. Ellie smiles, real genuinity behind it. Ever since she’d ridden with Dina up to Seth’s land, she’d made more of an effort to try with the foal; and she found the more she could think about Joel without throwing up, the more time she could spend with Shimmer and the foal. Honestly though, he’d grown so quick over the last few weeks, you could hardly call him a foal anymore. And she hadn’t even named the little guy yet. In her thoughts, her hands had stilled, and the foal snaps her out of them for the second time by nipping at her hands gently, pushing his back end into her again, urging her to carry on scratching his back. This little fucker, she thinks to herself, grinning.  Shimmer’s eating grass next to them, not paying the two any mind, so Ellie carries on. It’s kinda cool, she muses, that Shimmer trusts her near the foal; she is insanely protective of him. He’s got an attitude, so Ellie’s not surprised that Shimmer doesn’t like people around him, he’s a troublemaker. He proves her point by turning round and using her as a scratching post for an itch he apparently has on his cheekbone. She laughs, he reminds her of a younger version of herself, with Shimmer keeping him out of trouble like Joel used to do with her. 

            “Look at you, cowgirl! Dina’s been hiding you all this time.” 

            Ellie’s head whips up, the foal running off with Shimmer from the shrill intrusion, and her stance is defensive until she sees the driver of the car that’s just parked up next to the paddock. She’s not with it today anyway, especially not after her fight with Dina, so she’s not all that surprised that she didn’t hear the car pull up. She’s embarrassed though, she knows she looks like shit with saddle soap stains and messy, unbrushed hair. Soraya doesn’t seem to care though, as she leans out of the driver seat window, one hand on the steering wheel, the other propping up her head as she calls out to Ellie.

“If I’d have known you look like that while you work, I’d have started coming over more often a long ol’ time ago.” She teases, her eyes flashing with something Ellie pretends not to notice. She jogs over to the fence, climbing over it to make her way to Soraya’s car. She leans her hand on the top of the car and bends down so that she’s face to face with Soraya. Of course the girl has a brand new, bright red ride, with the license plate reading S0R4Y4 X. Ellie just shakes her head, offering the other girl a toothy grin.

“I’m just a girl, working on a ranch. I am the opposite of glamorous.”

Soraya looks her up and down, her eyes raking across Ellie’s body, and Ellie would be lying through her teeth if she said it didn’t make her feel some sort of way. 

“Nah, the view still looks pretty good to me.”

Ellie lets out a breathy laugh, her gaze sliding down to the floor. She looks up at Soraya through her lashes, and grins again at the girl with her chin jutting out to look up at Ellie. She’s been out since she was 13, she knows how to do this.

“You’re coming next week, right?” Soraya asks, her face inches from Ellie, who tilts her head, knitting her eyebrows together.

“What’s next week?” Ellie wracks her brain as to what she might be forgetting, but she comes up short. They have the cattle drive early Sunday morning, but other than that, it’s blank.

“Dina didn’t tell you? I’m having a Halloween party. My dad just had a huge bonfire installed in our yard, so it’s gonna be pretty cool. You up for it?” Soraya’s eyebrows are raised, her head tilted, like a challenge.

Ellie grimaces, she’s not surprised Dina didn’t tell her. Even before their fight, she wasn’t exactly part of the Ellie Williams (Or Cat, for that matter) fan club. She presses her lips together, because it’s obvious Dina doesn’t want her there, especially not after today, but also it sounds pretty fucking cool. She can’t remember the last time she went to a Halloween party where someone wasn’t in the hospital by the end of it. (Maybe there was one, but it was a few years ago now, and she’s not ready to talk about it just yet.) There’s no way she’s missing out on this, but she knows she can’t rock up alone, her and Dina are fighting after all.

“Can Jesse come?”

Soraya shrugs. “Sure.”

Ellie nods, one side of her mouth curling upwards. “Cool, okay. We’ll be there.”

Soraya licks her lips as she keeps eye contact with Ellie. “I can’t believe she hasn’t told you; she probably wants to keep you all for herself. We were all there at karaoke.”

Trust me, Ellie thinks, bitterly, that’s really not it.

“I hope your friend’s okay, though, that was rough.” Ellie pushes herself up from the car and fakes an easy smile, everything feels messy all of a sudden.

“Yeah.” She can’t think of anything else to say. The other girl shrugs and waves goodbye, as she reverses back onto the drive, and up towards the house, no doubt going to visit Dina on her deathbed. Ellie offers a small wave, and shoves her hands in her pockets as she watches the red car park up in front of the drive and Dina come out of the front door, running (as well as she can with a fucked up foot) up to Soraya to hug her. She pulls her phone out and finds Jesse’s name in her contacts.

Me [6:18PM]: Yo, Halloween party. You in 

The reply comes almost instantly.

Jessie <3 [6:18PM]: Nah I hate those things.

Me [6:18PM]: Cmonnnnnn think of the cool costumes we could do. I could be Woody you could be Buzz

Jessie <3 [6:19PM]: Wtf man I’m definitely the Woody here

Me [6:19PM]: Lol you’re stupid, keep telling urself that. Wb Shaggy and Scooby

It takes a little while to get a response, Ellie can practically feel the mental battle raging in Jesse’s mind as she’s gotten back to her task of bringing in the rest of the horses. She’s bolting the latch on the last stable when her phone vibrates in her pocket, and she’s got a grin on her face before she’s even opening the message.

Jessie <3 [6:34PM]: You owe me SO much weed for this, freckles

Jessie <3 [6:35PM]: And your the dog

~

            Ellie’s fucking frozen, the weather has taken a turn for the worse the last couple days, and she’s regretting not bringing a jacket down with her, but the thought of going back into the barn is enough to put her off. Today was hard, even for a Friday, with two different sets of horses having to be prepped for Halloween rides, and more people renting out Gabriel’s stalls for their horses, and she feels drunk from exhaustion already. She’s leaning against her truck; Jesse and his friends are supposed to be picking her up any minute. She should probably have asked Soraya if more than just her and Jesse could come, but knowing the other girl, it was whatever. The more the merrier, right?

She’s watching the outlines of the horses grazing in the field under the sunset, when the loud screech of a horn invades her senses, and a half-beaten truck comes rattling down the drive to slow in front of her. The truck had definitely seen better days, and Ellie grins as Jesse pokes his head out from the truck bed, a beer already in hand, a cigarette in the other. Ellie had come to learn over the last few months that they worked fucking hard in Jackson, but they definitely made up for it in the sheer amount of beer they drank and tobacco they smoked. Ellie isn’t complaining though, she launches herself over the side of the van into the back of the truck, and one of Jesse’s friends, a tall guy with blonde-ish hair and stubble wolf-whistles her.

“Looking good, Williams.” He grins, batting away Jesse’s shoves as he passes a beer to Ellie, who accepts it gracefully and takes a few huge gulps. She’s thirsty as fuck after the day of work she’s had, and she wipes her sleeve across her mouth. She is grace.

“Don’t you forget it, Kyle.” Jesse gives her an appreciative look, his friends are a lot, but she handles her own. Kyle’s pretty cool, a bit of a lady’s man, but he seems to treat them nice, so Ellie couldn’t really care any less. Even though he’s painted a lopsided skeleton onto his face, the comment still makes her look down at herself, because she knows sarcasm when she hears it. As they pull away from the ranch, she finds herself baffled more and more by the fact that she actually thought this was a good idea. She had donned a brown long-sleeved shirt, with tight sepia trousers, and her trusted canvas sneakers. That was fine, if she had to admit it, she’d say it hugged her figure pretty well. She was quite slim, from the years in Seattle and the trousers picked up on it, her collarbones on show too. What had the blonde guy laughing, his blue eyes fucking ablaze was the mess she’d made on her face; a misshapen puppy nose badly drawn on with eyeliner, and cheap drugstore dog ears on her head, which almost blended into her hair. She had thought she’d done an okay job considering the fact that she’d never owned eyeliner in her life, let alone applied it. Her and Jesse had gone out a few days before to grab supplies for the weekend cattle drive and had gone past a costume store in town. She meets Jesse’s eyes now and they both snort in unison, even thinking of the day sending them both into hysterics. They were such dumbasses, trying on costumes and both terrified of half of the costumes on sale. Ellie had been even more helpless than Jesse in the women’s section, and they’d stayed clear of the sexy maid outfits, instead going for something a lot safer. He’s now wearing his bright green top, a pair of old cargo pants and his ranch boots. They were meant to be Shaggy and Scooby, but honestly, she looks more like Garfield and he looks like a homeless guy. Ellie crosses her arms; the chicken shit definitely still has the better deal. She has fucking whiskers on her face. She doesn’t even know if dogs had whiskers.

“I’m hopin’ to score tonight. Ain’t a bonfire without a little action.” Kyle leers, taking a sip of his beer. Ellie rolls her eyes, okay, the guy’s a massive tool. 

“Please, she’s way too nice for you.” She gives him a once over, one eyebrow raised.

“Like you’re one to talk, we all know you’re going to be getting some with a certain brunette tonight.” He teases, stretching out his legs in the back of the truck as they go over a bump in the road. Ellie stiffens, her jaw locking, as her eyes flit frantically to Jesse. Brunette? Ellie knows he’s gotta be talking about Dina, and her heart is racing. She’d never told him specifically not to say anything, they’d never even really discussed what her and Dina meant to each other if they meant anything to each other. The whole thing was fucking weird. Jesse had always struck Ellie as someone who kept his mouth shut, who didn’t care enough about the business of others to take part in bitching or gossip. Her brain wasn't really focusing on that sentiment right now, instead her palms were sweaty, and her stomach was in her sneakers, because something Ellie hates more than anything is people knowing her business. They didn’t know it in Seattle, and they don’t know it here. Her eyes must be bulging out of their sockets, because Jesse’s got a glint in his eye, and he’s giving a small shake of his head, so minute you wouldn’t see it unless it was meant for you. She squints at him, until understanding registers in her hormone-filled teenage brain, and she breathes a silent sigh of relief. Kyle, blissfully aware of the gay panic that had just ensued, looks up from the cooler bag he has, bringing out three more beers, tossing them to Jesse and Ellie.

“Soraya has taken a liking to you, I hear.” He twists the cap off the beer, his muscles clenched in concentration. Soraya?

Jesse scoffs. “Come off it, Soraya’s like that with everyone.”

“Nah, man, I’m serious. Apparently, she talks about our little Ellie here all the time.” Ellie rolls her eyes, she does not know this guy well enough for him to be coming out with pet names for her, but she lets it slide. The beer is already going to her head, and the sudden spike in adrenaline did not do her any favours. Any thoughts of Soraya though are quickly forgotten, as the truck pulls into a small, unlit lane, and the sound of voices and distant music grows from a distance. Her heart speeds right back up, and she won’t admit to herself why it’s going a million miles a second, or why she’s got this jittery feeling, but Jesse obviously can tell, because he nudges her gently with his foot, tilting his head to look at her. She offers a weak smile and downs the rest of her beer, tossing it aside as she opens her next one. She’s fucking nervous, the closer they get, the more her confidence chips away in blocks. She hasn’t spoken to Dina since their fight, once the girl’s ankle had healed, she’d been sure to make herself busy with training, or going out with her friends, and Ellie had barely been able to say a word to her. But she’s there tonight, and alcohol is involved, and Ellie doesn’t know what to expect.

They pull into a spot by the rest of the cars, and the three of them hop out of the truck. The two guys in the front jump out, and she recognises them as the two brothers often helping Jesse in the fields, Jack and Owen, and they slap Ellie on the back as they all follow the smoke and the sound of voices. Her knuckles are white around the neck of her bottle, as they walk up the trail, the music becoming clearer, the vibrations of the bass humming beneath their feet. Ellie grins as the fire comes into full view; it’s fucking huge. There’s fancy wooden chairs and blankets draped around the fire, some full of groups of people sitting in them, laughing and drinking. A couple is making out practically piled on top of each other on one side of it, and Ellie chuckles at the empty seats around them; get a room, guys. The guys notice her expression, and must find it hilarious, because Owen lets out a laugh.

“You clearly haven’t been to one of Soraya’s parties yet, they’re wild.”

Ellie’s mouth curls into a smile, teeth showing, as Jesse’s friends make a beeline for the alcohol, a goldmine of it all stacked up on a huge table by the gate. They’re in an opening, and Ellie can make out bright lights in the distance along the pathway, Soraya’s house. Or mansion, because the whole thing is made of glass and metal, and there’s about four floors to it. Ellie’s mouth is gaping open, and she quickly shuts it as Jesse cackles at her, grabbing her by the shoulders and leading her up to the alcohol to fix her a drink.

“You realise we’ve got the roundup tomorrow, right?” She asks, one eyebrow raised as he shrugs and puts an alarming amount of whiskey into two red cups. Reaching for the Coca-Cola, she unscrews the cap and adds it to their cups, to Jesse’s protests. “We are not drinking this neat, baby boy, even though it’s good whiskey.”

“Hey, man, fuck you. I can handle my drink.”

“Whatever you say, but I am not carrying you home.” Ellie rolls her eyes, and shoves the full cup at him, taking a sip from her own. Once they all have their drinks, the five of them join the party and holy shit, Owen wasn’t joking when he said it was wild. Around them is something straight out of a movie scene, and it’s something Ellie never thought she’d experience. The last party she went to was fun and all, but this was something different. There were so many costumes, she’d already spotted a John and Yoko, a Kurt Cobain, several carbon copies of the same maid and kitten outfits, zombie versions of every type of costume, and even Owen and Jake themselves have dressed up as two brothers from this weird Indiana-Jones type video game they like. They spent the next part of the evening chilling round the fire catching up to the rest of the parties’ level of drunk, until Jake had decided it was a good idea to do a fucking keg stand.

“No, you’ve got to be kidding me.” Ellie practically guffaws, this was too much, even for her. She can see the innocence in it though, any parties in Seattle were rife with drugs and pills, so it was nice to chant for something kinda wholesome. Jake strides up to the keg, while the other guys grab hold of his legs, lifting the guy up (who is not small by any means) and they all start chanting, some even recording. Apparently, he does this a lot, Jesse tells her, and Ellie just laughs, chanting along with it. He lasts an impressive time, and practically falls down when his legs are released, letting out the loudest burp she’s ever heard. Aside from her own, that is. She claps her hands, her face hurting from the grin that’s stretching from either side of it, when they lock eyes.

“Let’s see what you got, Williams.” He points, already starting to slur. Her eyes go wide, her grip tightening on her cup. Ellie looks around, uneasy, as the crowd around her cheers. Even Jesse’s laughing along, clapping her behind the back with his free hand.

“No fucking way.” She grimaces. 

“What, are you scared?” Jake teases, coming up to her and ruffling her hair. She bats him away, her hand instinctively coming up to fix the dog ears on her head. She’d almost forgotten she was wearing those.

“No, I just know I’ll show you up. That was kinda lame.” She’s lying through her fucking teeth, but there’s no way she’s getting up there. She’s just going to look stupid. But everyone’s looking at her, and cheering, and Jake’s got hold of her hand and he’s pulling her over to the metal barrel on the floor and handing her the funnel. Ellie knows she’s not getting out of this, so she snatches the funnel from him, handing him her cup, which he starts drinking from instantly. Rolling her eyes, Ellie readies herself and kneels on the ground, tilting her head up to the sky. There’s no way she’s giving herself a concussion the night before the roundup, so this will have to do. The crowd around her cheers regardless, and they start counting down, and she’s laughing until someone turns the tap on the keg, and shitty beer comes through the funnel. She holds it just above her mouth and chugs for her life. She’s looking up at the sky, concentrating as everyone’s counting and holy shit, it’s a lot more difficult than she thought it would be. Ellie realises about halfway through the countdown that she hasn’t actually eaten dinner before coming out, there wasn’t enough time after she brought the last horses in, and so she feels herself getting more and more lightheaded the more she drinks. She’s about to pass out when Jesse signals the person controlling the valve, and she gasps for air when she swallows the last mouthful of beer, hacking her lungs out, doubled over. Jesse is practically howling with glee, and pride, as he pats her on the back, takes hold of her hand and lifts it in the air.

“Ellie Williams, everyone!” The crowd cheers, and it’s onto the next person as she struggles to recover. She’s drunk. She’s definitely drunk. 

“That was awesome.” She breathes, her face flushed, the ears on her head lopsided. Jesse fixes them for her and pats her on the back again. Joel used to do that to her. Joel. She misses him.

“Ellie? Oh, my god, I did not just see you drink a keg.” 

Ellie doesn’t even have time to look for the face of the voice, because it’s suddenly in hers, a cloud of sweet perfume and fruity cocktail enveloping her as Anna is wrapping her arms around Ellie. Soraya’s not far behind, and upon seeing the flurry of girls, Jesse excuses himself to go find another drink, leaving Ellie alone. 

“Don’t, I was pressured into it.” She beams, eyes crinkled. She’s a lot drunker than she thought. Anna just giggles at her, and then takes in her costume.

“Cute. Are you that orange cat on TV? The one that eats lasagne?” she asks, her face genuine.

Ellie scoffs. “I’m Scooby Doo.”

Anna shrugs, arms still wrapped around Ellie. “But you don’t have the collar.”

Ellie falters, she knew there was something she’d forgotten. She goes to respond, but is interrupted by Soraya, who is all curls and curves and who looks really pretty. 

“Hey, Garfield.” She smirks, as Anna lets go of Ellie.

“I’m not- oh my god, it’s not even worth it.” She pinches her nose, sighing, as the other two girls laugh at her. She looks at their costumes, dressed all in leather and shiny material, and she’s confused. “What are you guys meant to be?”

Soraya rolls her eyes, shifting her weight on to one leg as she crosses her arms. “Charlie’s Angels, but Dina is nowhere to be found.”

Dina.

Ellie’s throat suddenly dries up, and she coughs, her hand coming up to cover her mouth. She’d almost forgotten about Dina in the mayhem that was the last hour. She hadn’t seen Dina either, though, and it made her uneasy. The more she hyped it up, the more anxious she got. She lived with the girl, yet the thought of seeing her at a party was making her dizzy, leaving her shallow-breathed.

“Whoa, are you okay?” Soraya rests a hand gently on Ellie’s back, as the red-head nods, clearing her throat. “C’mon, let’s get you another drink.”

She spends the rest of the evening with Anna and Soraya, playing drinking games and getting introduced to more of their circle, and she loses the dog ears within minutes. After a while, they’re joined by Anthony and James, who, when Ellie catches sight of their costume, look incredibly proud of themselves as she doubles over in a fit of laughter. She’s never seen anything like it. They’re dressed in a two-person suit of a horse, with Anthony at the front and James at the back, and Ellie can’t explain her glee. 

            “What the fuck is wrong with you two?” She cackles, as they struggle to manoeuvre themselves to walk in a straight line. “Please let me take a photo.” 

            Ellie gets out her phone, and snaps a picture of the two of them, before Soraya whips the phone out of her hand, and turns it into selfie mode, shouting at everyone to get in. Ellie’s eyebrows go into her hairline, it’s one of those moments where everything feels surreal, like it’s too good to be real, like she’s not even in her own body, before she’s snapped out of it by Soraya pulling her into the photo. It’s an old phone, so the screen is small, and they have to squish together to all fit. She’s slotted in on Soraya’s side, her head resting on the girl’s shoulder, getting ready to smile when the flash goes off.

            “Hey, I wasn’t-” She starts.

            “Oh, my God, you look so stoned, dude.” Anthony laughs, taking the phone from Soraya’s hands and zooming in on Ellie’s face. He’s right, she looks like she’s just hit about ten blunts. 

            “Yeah, laugh it up guys, laugh it up.” She takes the phone back, pocketing it. “See what happens.” She’s not deleting it, even if it’s not exactly the greatest photo of her.

            “Has anyone seen Dina? I’m getting kind of worried now.” Anna interjects, arms folded in on herself, and the group goes quiet. No-one’s seen her. The party’s in full swing, and it’s hard to see through the sea of people. James suggests for them all to split up, have a look for her, and they all agree. Ellie stands there awkwardly, she wants to know Dina’s safe, but she doubts the other girl wants to see her right now.

            Soraya gives Ellie a lopsided grin, clearly tipsy too, and grabs her by the hand, yanking her through the crowds. “Come on, we’ll look for her.” 

            They spend a little while looking around for her, near the entrance and where Ellie did the keg stand; even asking Jesse’s group, who are all sitting around the fire drinking. But no-one’s seen her. Ellie’s starting to sweat now, nothing ever really bad happens around here like that, she’s been here enough to know that the kind of trouble this town gets is from hunters and oil guys, but she still feels uneasy. 

            “What do we do now?” Ellie asks, and Soraya looks at her, shrugging, her eyes wide.

            “I don’t know. Wait for the others, see if they’ve found her, I guess.” 

            Ellie nods, her expression vacant, as the song blaring from the speaker’s changes, into a song she doesn’t recognise. It’s cool, though, slow but still a pretty decent beat, and she starts nodding her head to it. The other girl looks at her, her face slinking into a smile, as she takes Ellie’s hand, putting it on her waist. 

            “How are you at dancing?” She teases, as Ellie’s eyes go wide. 

            “If having two left feet is dancing, then I’m… I’m pretty great.” Ellie manages, which causes Soraya to throw her head back and laugh, her hands coming up to Ellie’s shoulders.

            “Show me some moves.” Soraya’s waggling her eyebrows, each one perfectly shaped and drawn in, and her nose ring glints next to the bonfire. That’s new. Ellie hadn’t even realised the girl had a nose ring, but then she hasn’t been up close to Soraya all that much lately.

            “Uh, okay.” Ellie holds up her hand, and Soraya twirls round, her chocolate locks falling down her back in cascades, and Ellie gulps. This was flirting if she’d ever experienced it, and honestly, she was at a loss for words. “Not bad, huh?”

            “Pleasantly surprised.” Soraya’s eyes flit down to Ellie’s lips, which the auburn-haired girl doesn’t miss, and her lips part open slightly. They’re still dancing when Anthony’s voice rings out.

            “Ellie.” The two girls break away instantly, Ellie’s face aflame, but her embarrassment is quickly pushed to the side when she spots James and Anthony, carrying a wasted Dina. She runs to help them instantly, taking James’ place on Dina’s left side, hooking her shoulder under Dina’s arm, supporting her weight. 

            “I’m fine, I’m literally fine.” She slurs, pushing Ellie off of her with force. The red-head scoffs, Dina reeks of booze. “I don’t need your fucking help.”

            “You clearly do. You’re wasted.” Ellie pinches her nose as Dina stands shakily in front of her, wiping herself off. “I’ll take you home. I’ll get one of the guys to drive us.”

            Soraya starts fixing Dina’s hair. “You guys are welcome to stay here.” It’s as if the moment before didn’t happen, and she’s looking at Ellie, her face full of genuine concern.

            Ellie shakes her head. “I’ve got a roundup tomorrow, I can’t. She needs to wake up in her own bed too.”

            Dina scoffs, the action exaggerated. “Stop talking about me like I’m not here, I’m fine. I wanna stay.” She’s swaying on her feet, and Ellie just glares at her. Ellie’s head is suddenly clear, shock sobering her up, and she knows there’s no way Dina can stay here like this. Gabriel would have her head if Dina didn’t come home. 

            “No. I don’t care. Come on.” She gets her phone out, and dials Jesse’s number. It rings for a few tones, and then goes straight to voicemail. “Fuck.” she breathes.

            Soraya just studies Ellie’s expression, and after a few beats, sighs. “Just stay here. Trust me, you’d rather her crash in our spare room than her Dad see her in this state anyway.”

            Ellie mulls it over, grimacing as she weighs over her options. Jesse’s friends have probably all had way too much liquor to drive, and there’s no way anyone was going to be able to call a cab to the middle of nowhere this late. And Soraya was right, Gabriel would have her head if Dina weren’t home, but he’d have her heart, legs, and soul if he saw how wasted Dina was. 

            “Fine, I’ll go up with her. Thanks.” 

            Soraya nods, and Ellie turns to the others, hugging them goodbye. Dina grumbles something about being okay, that everyone ignores, and Ellie takes her arm, helping to steady her. “If anyone sees Jesse, tell him he’s gotta pick us up in the morning.” 

            They nod, and she smiles at them, turning Dina in the direction of the house and leading her up the path behind Soraya. They don’t have to be ready and tacked up until nine, and it’s barely one now, so as long as Jesse picks them up before eight, they should be okay. Ellie glances at Dina, who is avoiding eye contact with her, and bites her bottom lip, kneading it between her teeth. She just doesn’t get this girl, she knows Dina is a partygoer, but this is a new extreme, even for her. 

            When they reach the house, they remove their shoes (some with more ease than others) and sneak through the quiet house to the guest quarters. If Ellie was impressed by the house from the outside, she’s mesmerised by it now. It’s not a house typical of cattle country, but it’s gorgeous, and Ellie feels like she’s dirtying it just by walking through the halls. When they reach the guest room, Soraya hands them clean pyjamas and blankets, and leans on the doorframe as Dina stumbles into the bathroom to get changed, leaving Ellie standing in the middle of the room.

            “Are you gonna come re-join the party?” She asks, her arms crossed.

            Ellie shakes her head, her hand coming up to rub the nape of her neck. “I should probably call it, too. I’m pushing it already by coming out.”

            “Understandable. Still a shame, though.” Soraya says, but there isn’t any hint of flirting or anything. She’s cooled down, and Ellie’s slightly thankful for it. “Thanks for coming, though. I guess I’ll see you around.” Ellie nods, and Soraya leaves her to it.

            She pulls off the shirt and her trousers as she changes into the shorts and tank top Soraya had given her and rubs off her badly drawn dog features with good old-fashioned spit and the night’s clothes. She can wash her face in the morning. She chucks herself onto the bed, the alcohol catching up with her, as her eyes feel heavy all of a sudden. She’s drifting off when she hears the door creak open, and the light sound of feet padding along the wooden floor. 

            “Wait, we’re sharing a bed?” Dina’s voice is definitely clearer than it was before, but it’s still slower, louder. Ellie sighs, rolling over to face her.

            “No. I’ll sleep on the floor.” Not even bothering to argue with Dina, not anymore, she takes a small bundle of blankets that Soraya had given to her, and goes to lift herself up from the bed, when Dina puts a hand out on her wrist to stop her.

            “It’s okay.” 

            Ellie nods slowly, eyes not quite meeting Dina’s, and settles back down onto the furthest side of the bed, back turned to the dark-haired girl. She doesn’t know what the fuck is going on in Dina’s head, and honestly, she’s not in the mood to try and figure it out, especially not when the other girl is like this. It’s just going to hurt too much, and her head is reeling from her moment with Soraya earlier. She doesn’t know how she feels, so she does what she does best; ignores it.

            Dina climbs into the bed next to her, pulling the covers up to her neck. It’s silent for a while, the only sound being the two of them breathing, the distant music and voices faint. Ellie doesn’t think they’re going to talk anymore, and sleep is pulling her under, but she feels the rustle of bedsheets before she hears them, Dina turning over to face Ellie.

            “I really hate you.”

            Ellie’s eyes flit open, her brows knitting, as she slowly turns round to face the other girl, letting out a sharp breath as she realises how close their faces are, mere inches. She doesn’t say anything, she doesn’t have anything to say to that. But she’s drunk too, and she can feel her eyes getting glassy. It’s quiet again, and she doesn’t know if Dina’s going to say anymore, until she does.

            “Why did you come here?”

            “Why do you care?” Ellie finds her voice again, it coming out in a harsh whisper, causing both girls to flinch. She feels Dina let out a deep breath, she feels her breath fanning over her face. It smells like pineapple, and sweet liquor.

            “Why didn’t you bring Cat, she’s your girlfriend, isn’t she?”

            Ellie scoffs, burying her face into the mattress. “Are we back on this? Cat isn’t my girlfriend, Dina, and even if she was, why would you care?”

            Dina doesn’t respond straight away, and so Ellie tilts her head up a little, one eye open, and she’s taken aback by the expression on Dina’s face.

            “She’s not?” Dina’s lips are open, she’s practically gawking, the moonlight streaming in through the curtains making her eyes shine in the dark.

            “I…” Ellie knits her eyebrows together, confused, until she gets it. Her mouth forms a silent ‘oh’. She realises, in the heat of the moment, she’d never actually told Dina that Cat wasn’t her girlfriend. But that still didn’t answer her question.

            “I saw you guys.” Dina carries on. “You were about to kiss.”

            Ellie shifts her face so that she’s completely face to face with Dina now, her wide green eyes staring into darker ones. “Maybe. But we didn’t. Why do you care so much?” Her voice is desperate now. She just wants her friend back, but Dina’s staying silent.

            “Is that why you got so drunk?” Ellie tries again. “Dina-”

            But Ellie doesn’t get to finish that sentence, because Dina’s lips are on hers, her bottom lip caught between Ellie's. They’re warm, and pressed against Ellie’s cold lips they feel like home, and Dina just keeps them there for a moment, Ellie too stunned to do anything. Her eyebrows are in her hairline, and her heart is hammering all over her body, and her mind is hazy from the alcohol, but her lips are on fire as Dina kisses her, pressing her lips once again into Ellie’s. Ellie finds herself slowly kissing Dina back, her lips tingling, a fire in her stomach as she brings a hand to gently cup Dina’s face, which the other girl takes as an encouragement to push her whole body against Ellie’s, her lips mouthing slightly messily against Ellie’s. Ellie’s mind is spinning, emotional whiplash is in force here, but Dina’s against her mouth, Dina’s hands are on her hips, Dina’s legs are tangled in hers, Dina’s-

            “No.” She breathes, breaking away, dizzy and breathless. It pains her, it fucking hurts, because she hasn’t realised quite how much she wanted to kiss Dina until that moment, how deep her feelings ran for the other girl until they were ripped from her, but she knows they can’t do this. “We- we can’t do this. You’re drunk.”

            Dina looks hurt, her pupils dilated, her hair strewn across her face. She looks so fucking beautiful; it makes Ellie’s heart hurt. She doesn’t want it to be like this, she wants it to be right, to mean something. She doesn’t even know if Dina likes her, or if she’s just wasted.

            But she doesn’t get to ask, and she doesn’t get to explain herself, because Dina’s turned over already, and the room suddenly feels cold. Ellie feels cold. She waits a couple of moments, to see if Dina’s going to turn back around, but she doesn’t, and soon her breaths are deep, and Ellie knows she’s asleep. She tosses her body onto her back, staring up at the ceiling, hands coming up to rub the shit out of her face, her eyes, through her hair.

            Fuck.

Chapter Text

- @MikanRopp on twitter.

Ellie’s eyes blink open, and she’s hit instantly with a wave of nausea, rolling over her whole body in vicious waves. Her eyes are stinging, raw, and her mouth feels disgustingly dry but damp at the same time, like her saliva has congealed on the roof of her mouth. It’s fucking disgusting, and it takes her a second to get past that, to adjust her eyes to the light attacking her eye sockets, and her throat to the stale air of the room, before she realises how she’s awake, or rather, why she’s awake. She also realises there’s an arm thrown over her side, her chest rising and falling with deep breaths, and she sees a familiar bracelet on the wrist of said arm, which brings back every moment of last night to her, and makes her cringe internally. Dina had been so drunk, and she doesn’t even know if the other girl was going to remember last night, and if she did, if she was going to bring it up. Ellie wasn’t going to read into it, she-

         “My fucking head.” Dina groans next to her, drawing her arm back to rest her hand on her forehead, breathing deeply as she starts rubbing her temples. Ellie’s side is cold from the loss of Dina’s body warmth, and it makes her feel weird. She cranes her neck round to look at Dina, she feels like shit, so she can’t even begin to imagine the state of the other girl’s head. Dina isn’t returning her look, and is already rolling out of bed, searching for her clothes from the night before, as a large bang on the bedroom door startles both of them.

         “You better both be up and ready, we gotta go.” Jesse’s voice is muffled through the wood, but both of them get the message. Ellie’s scrambling out of bed, pulling on last night’s outfit, and stuffing the shorts and tank top in the laundry basket in the corner of the room. Both girls are pulling on their sneakers, and Dina’s opening the door as Ellie’s tying up her laces. She stands up as she finishes, and turns to look at Jesse, who just scoffs at their appearance.

         “I can’t stand you guys. Truck. Now.” He’s got a glint in his eyes, and Ellie groans at him, rolling her eyes. Whatever. She follows Dina out of the door, Dina who hasn’t said a word to her yet, or even looked in her direction, when they hear a small voice from down the corridor.

         “Guys?” Soraya pads down the hallway barefoot, dressed in an oversized t-shirt and braids falling down her back. Dina doesn’t even stop to look at her, and just paces through the house, disappearing round the corner, with Jesse jogging to keep up to the girl, even though she’s like, a third of his height. She didn’t even acknowledge Soraya’s existence, and Ellie knows that she heard the girl, and it leaves the red-head even more confused than she was last night. Because, you know, she kissed her. She can still feel the ghost of Dina’s lips on hers, and remembering it sends shock waves through her. Ellie pivots back round to Soraya, hand coming up to rub at the base of her neck, her head pounding as the other girl reaches her.

         “Thanks for letting us crash last night.”

         Soraya crosses her arms, balancing on one foot, and it’s the first time Ellie has ever seen the brunette shy, like she’s sheepish. She seems small. “It’s okay.” She sniffs, and then looks past Ellie. “Is everything okay with her?”

         Ellie guffaws lightly, and then shrugs, bringing her hand back down to trace the ink across her wrist. “Beats me.”

         Soraya bites her lip; she’s almost hugging herself now. She looks like she wants to say more, but Ellie’s head snaps towards the direction of the back door. Jesse’s honking the horn of his truck, and she knows she has to hurry up.

         “Shit, I’m coming.” She mumbles, turning back to offer Soraya an awkward smile, which Soraya only half-returns. “Catch you later?” she asks, eyebrows slightly raised.

         Soraya half-shrugs, and gives Ellie a lacklustre smile in return, almost accepting defeat of something that Ellie can’t put her finger on. She gets it, but it’s confusing. “Sure.”

         Ellie’s backing away and down the hallway before she even hears Soraya’s answer.

~

“Your old man’s gonna fucking kill me if we’re not there in time.” Jesse’s fingers are drumming against the steering wheel, his foot on the accelerator as they speed down the country lanes. Ellie hasn’t even looked at the time, she’s sat in the back of the truck, head stuck out of the window like a fucking animal, feeling the fresh air on her face. It’s helping, but only slightly.

         “He’ll get over it.” Dina groans, rubbing at her temples again. Jesse had brought them a bottle of water each, and Ellie was clutching hers like it was a stuffed teddy bear. She hadn’t thought she’d drank that much, until she remembered the fucking keg.

         “Was nice of Soraya to let you guys crash though.” Jesse comments, turning a sharp corner, sending whole new waves of nausea through Ellie’s stomach. Dina doesn’t comment, and instead puts the cold-water bottle against her head, turning away from Jesse to look out of the window. Ellie stares at her, resting her head against the rolled down window. She doesn’t get it, Dina hasn’t looked at her all morning, nor has she even acknowledged what happened last night. She didn’t even look at Soraya, and now she’s just acting like she didn’t get dangerously drunk last night, and kiss Ellie and then roll over and go to fucking sleep a second after. Ellie’s head is spinning, and while it could be from the beer, she knows it’s from this fucker of a princess. 

         “Shit, shit, shit.” Jesse utters, turning another corner, which makes both girls groan audibly as they’re tossed to the side. “We’re gonna have like five minutes to spare before we’re meant to set off. That work for you?” He glances up at the rear-view mirror, meeting Ellie’s line of sight, and she nods, grimacing.

         “Thank god I’m not doing it this year,” Dina murmurs, her head tilted back to rest against the seat, her eyes closed. “I’m going to sleep for a fucking year when we get home.”

         “I wouldn’t be so sure.” Jesse clicks his tongue, as they pull into the ranch. Ellie hadn’t even realised they were that close, but Jesse’s tearing down the lane, dust, and smoke in the truck’s wake, so she’s not all that surprised. The front yard is full of around seven or eight horses all tied up, Shimmer included, and Ellie thanks whatever force that decided to favour her this morning. Jesse rolls his eyes at her.

         “You’re welcome.”

         As soon as they pull up, the three of them are jumping out of the truck, Ellie already running up to the loft before Dina’s even undone her seatbelt. She chugs the rest of the water along with an aspirin, and shimmies out of her costume into worn jeans, boots, and a hoodie and jacket duo. She’s overheating, and she knows it’s the alcohol in her system, along with the flight of stairs she just ran up, but it’s the first day of November and the weather changes dramatically in Jackson, plus she’s kinda hoping she can sweat out the beer she drank last night. Ellie pulls her hair into a low bun, grabs her Stetson, and shoves it on her head, as she runs back down the stairs of the loft, through the barn, back onto the yard. She’s not even there moments when Gabriel emerges from the house, staring at the three of them, who are a real sight to behold. Ellie can’t even hold in her laughs when she looks at them. 

         Jesse, although the only one dressed and showered, has huge dark circles under his eyes, and the biggest case of bed-head Ellie has ever seen. (And she’s seen herself in the mornings.) Dina’s still in her jeans and boots from last night, the only difference being that she’s clearly gotten one of Jesse’s shirts from the floor of his van and shoved it over her head. It’s got black stains on it too, where she’s tried to wipe away the black smudges from last night’s mascara from her eyes, and only half-succeeded. Ellie’s probably the one in the best shape, with no visible makeup stains and her messy mop of hair hidden underneath her hat. The three of them look a fucking mess, and Gabriel seems to agree, when he catches sight of them and just shakes his head, pinching his nose.

         “What am I going to do with you three?” he sighs.

         Dina just grimaces, shielding her eyes from the sun with her hand, and starts walking past her father, up to the house, when he stops her. “Where do you think you’re going?”

         She halts, swivelling round to look at Gabriel, tilting her head to look at him. “You said I didn’t have to do the drive this year.”

         Gabriel laughs, his hand clutching his stomach. “I said no such thing. One of the men dropped out this morning, so you’re taking his place. Go get your hat.” He pats Dina on the back lovingly, and walks past the three of them, towards the other ranchers, who are gathered around their horses, starting to load them into the trailers.

         “Are you fucking kidding me?” Dina exclaims, bewilderment clear in her voice and expression. Ellie and Jesse exchange glances, holding back sniggers, as they turn away from her, making their ways towards their horses. Ellie doesn’t know how to feel about Dina coming, not after last night. She wants to talk to the other girl, clear the air, find out what the fuck is going on inside her head, but she can’t; not with all of these people around, not when they don’t have time. She doesn’t want to be forcing, or rushing, anything. Dina hasn’t even made eye contact with her yet, or said more than two words to her, but they’re going to be stuck together for the rest of the day, so she can’t avoid her forever. (Maybe she’s underestimating the dark-haired girl though, because they live together, and she still managed to act like Ellie didn’t exist for weeks.)

         “Looks like we made it just in time.” Jesse whispers to her, knocking Ellie out of her spiral. “Record timing.” She grins back at him as she reaches Shimmer, and the horse nickers as she spots Ellie. 

         “Hey Shim-Sham,” Ellie coos, giving Shimmer a rub behind her ears as they shift towards the red-head, the mare listening to her voice. “That’s a good girl.” Shimmer nickers as Ellie gives her a good scratch, and then Gabriel’s calling out to the group.

         “Load ‘em up, people. We’re leaving in five.” He bellows, and Ellie unties Shimmer by her halter, following Jesse with his horse up to a smaller trailer, as they load the two horses in, tying them up next to each other. She secures the horses, making sure everything is in place, checks their bridles are in the back, and jumps into the front seat. Ellie sees Jesse stop to talk to Dina; can’t hear them but she can see them through the side mirror, Dina looking irritated and Jesse rolling his eyes, pointing towards another truck as Ezra loads Japan onto one of the other trailers. Dina narrows her eyes as Jesse spins on his heels, a hop in his step as he runs back over to the truck, climbing up into the driver's seat next to Ellie as she quickly looks at anything else, not wanting to be caught spying. Of course, that was never going to work. Jesse turns the key, the truck roaring to life as Ellie brings her legs up on the seat, wrapping her arms around them, resting her chin on her knees. Jesse just scoffs at her, as he waits for the other trailers to start pulling out of the driveway.

         “Girls, man. I can’t figure you two out.”

         Ellie tilts her head, her cheek pressed against her knee as she furrows her brows at him. Her hats on the seat between them. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

         Jesse doesn’t even look at her, as he pulls out behind Ezra’s van. “Nothing. How you feeling?” He asks, changing gears as he speeds up down the lane. She grunts, closing her eyes when they go over a rock, her stomach doing somersaults.

         “Hungover as shit.” Ellie opens her eyes again, staring down at the pedals. “I’m excited though, for this.”

         “Yeah, they’re always a lot of fun. We cook up burgers and shit later too, have a few beers after we set up camp.”

         “After we what? I thought we were only going by Seth’s place.” Ellie jerks up, causing Jesse to cackle at her, his arm resting out of the window.

         “I said past it.” He’s looking straight ahead at the road, but the side of his mouth is twitching, and Ellie swears she could ring his fucking neck out.

         “No, I specifically remember you saying it wasn’t that much further out.” She seethes. She’s hungover as shit, about to do a ten-hour ride on an empty stomach, and she reeks of beer. There’s no way she’s adding the smell of dirt, and damp from a tent to that. She hadn’t even packed anything to sleep in overnight. Jesse doesn’t even respond, the asshole. 

         “How much farther is it?!” she asks again, stomping her feet down on the floor of the truck, sitting up straight. She hears a whinny from the back.

         “There’s like over 600 acres to this land, Ellie.” 

         “You’re the worst.” 

They reach the cattle in a little over twenty minutes. She’d realised there was more land than she’d seen, but she hadn’t realised Dina owned an empire. Ellie wasn’t even sure they were still on their land anymore; they’d long passed Seth’s farm. They’d veered off the main highway around five minutes ago, and now the trucks were all gathering in a small dirt lot, next to a huge field. She can see the cattle in the distance, and it’s not until Ezra pulls up and jumps over the fence to unlock the gate for the trucks, that she realises this is his land.

         “I thought he lived in a trailer.” She marvels, her breath fogging up the glass as she presses her face against it. 

         “I told you it wasn’t that much farther.” Jesse’s looking at her, grinning. She must look like a child, staring out of the window, mouth open. “He’s pretty low key about it, but Dina’s family has serious money invested in the cattle business.”

         “Is that why we’re driving them onto our land?” Ellie reaches for her Stetson, shoving it ungracefully on top of her head, as Jesse nods. She realises she said our, but neither of them comments on it. Jesse veers into the field after the rest of the trucks, and Ezra shuts the gate behind him. He turns off the ignition, and opens the driver’s door, jumping out, with Ellie following suit. She looks around and marvels, he must have hundreds of cows here, and Ellie is beginning to understand why they need so many bodies to do this. Another rancher is already helping Jesse unload the horses, so Ellie runs around the truck to help open the hatch, running up the ramp to untie Shimmer and lead her out. Jesse follows with his horse, Champ, an American paint horse, and they tie them up to the side of the trailer, letting them graze on the short grass. 

         “Damn, this grass really needs a breather.” Jesse comments, scuffing the ground with his boots, as he reaches into the truck bed for the bridles, tossing one to Ellie. As they’re slipping the bridles on their horses, Jesse glances at the red head, almost as if he wants to say something, but is considering it. He probably thinks he’s safe, that Ellie didn’t notice, but she did.

         “Spit it out.” She doesn’t even look at him, just blows her side fringe out of her face as she ties up the throatlatch. 

         “Just wondering what happened last night. I heard you had quite the night.” 

         Ellie looks at him, eyebrow raised, shaking her head. “I dunno what you’re talkin’ bout.”

         Jesse spots something in the distance, but then quickly looks back to Ellie, like a child caught looking at something they shouldn’t be. She follows his eyeline, and spots Dina, who is helping unload horses from Ezra’s horses, and she freezes, unable to do anything but study the darker-haired girl. Even though she’s hungover, Dina comes to life around horses, her voice ringing out above the others, and the early morning sun illuminates her tan skin. She’s glowing, and Ellie finds it makes her heart twist in her chest, not being able to know where they stand, what’s going on in Dina’s head. Jesse lets out a low whistle, his eyebrows in his hairline.

         “Don’t know what I’m talking about, huh?” he says, doing up the girth around Champ’s stomach. Ellie rolls her eyes, and does the same with Shimmer, making sure the saddle’s secure.

         “Shut up.” 

         Jesse just chuckles at her, as they both put one foot in their stirrups, and haul themselves up onto the saddles with ease. Ellie didn’t have any upper body strength when she first came to the ranch, but now she finds herself doing shit like this like it’s nothing, and she’d be lying if it didn’t make her feel extremely cool. She feels her phone buzz in her pocket, she’d forgotten she even had it, surprised it isn’t completely dead, and pulls it out to look at it.

1 New Message. She opens it, to find a message from Cat.

         Cat [8:39am]: good luck today! :)

         Ellie smiles, and starts typing out her reply, when her phone dies. Fuck. She makes a mental note to call Cat when she gets back tomorrow. The two of them had been pretty good since her visit, all things considered, and Ellie had even started to tell her about some of the classes she had started to take. It was cool. She stuffs her phone back in her pocket, and takes the reins with her left hand, rubbing Shimmer’s neck with her right. Jesse clicks Champ on to stand with the other horses, and Ellie follows behind him, pulling her mare up to stand next to Jesse. She leans over to him as the other ranchers’ huddle round, she counts about three or four more than there were, bringing the overall number to around thirteen, and whispers.

         “Aren’t these things usually done in the spring?” She asks, to which Jesse just scoffs.

         “Tell that to Ezra.” He adjusts his own cowboy hat, tilting it forward. “It’s his way or the highway. It’s also… it’s also a kind of social thing.”

         Ellie shrugs, she’s not about to argue with Ezra’s logic, she’s got enough sense to know to stay on his good side. Plus, it does sound like fun. Gabriel comes to the front of the crowd, horses all in a row, and addresses the group, Dina by his left and Ezra by his right.

         “Welcome and thank you for joining us again this year. We’re not expecting snow yet, so hopefully Mother Nature stays on our sides.” The crowd lets out a few laughs and Gabriel continues. “We’re driving the cattle from these fields all through my dear brother’s land, which will take us the better part of the day, and then we’re camping at the top of our land, just past Seth’s place. Sound good to everyone?”

         There are murmurs and noises of affirmation from the crowd, the early morning still with everyone, and Gabriel just lets out an amused chuckle. “My lovely wife also packed home cooking and lots of beer. Does that sound good to everyone?” he asks again, and this time is met with cheers and laughter. Ellie holds onto her hat, and finds her mouth being pulled into a huge smile, from ear to ear, at the feeling of togetherness in the group right now.

         “Well, good drive everyone! Let’s go.” 

         Everyone cheers as Ezra takes the lead, and they kick their horses up to a canter, everyone riding up to the cattle at the top of the field, all standing in a metal gated enclosure. Ellie looks at it, and knits her eyebrows, as a woman jumps down from her horse to open the hatch of the gate, and they all start to take their positions. Ellie looks down at Shimmer’s pricked ears as she clicks her on with her tongue, thanking every higher power that she had time earlier that week to practise cutting with Jesse. Ever since she’d heard about the drive, she’d made sure to squeeze in a couple of sessions with her mare, get them working as a team. She just prayed that Shimmer remembered it all, but it seems she does, because she’s already swerving when Ellie pulls her reins left and right, and Ellie gives a whoop.

         “Looking good, Ellie!” Gabriel shouts to her, and she gives him a thumbs up, alongside a huge shit-eating grin. She’s fucking pumped. The cows start running out of the pen, mooing and roaring, and her and Jesse instantly take their place at the side of the herd, making sure no rogue steer breaks away from the others, and they trot next to them as others steam ahead, or come behind the herd to round them up. She looks ahead, and Dina’s at the front, next to Ezra, flapping her free arm at the cows, shouting commands to the other ranchers. If Ellie thought she looked good handling the horses, she clearly didn’t think she’d ever see Dina like this; she looks so badass, so free, and her years of riding are shining through; her and Japan look like a team, a unit. Her Stetson is jet black, with trim round the sides, and her saddle is sleek, and she’s got an aura of strength about her. Ellie almost loses focus, but Jesse’s yips and shouts of “Hyah!” knock her out of it, and she’s back in the moment. 

         “Take a picture, Freckles, it’ll last longer.” Jesse shouts at her.

         She politely flips him off in return.

They’ve been riding for a couple hours now, the early afternoon sun beating down on them as they drive the herd over the hills of Ezra’s land. Ellie thinks they must be near the end of his land, but she doesn’t pin her hopes on it, this is a two-day drive after all. The cattle seem pretty relaxed, trudging steadily along the grass, and so she half-halts on the reins, slowing down to wait for Jesse. She pulls up next to him, and he grins at her in response.

         “How ya doing, cowgirl?” he asks, tipping his hat at her.

         “Good.” She breathes, her breath creating smoke in the cold air. “Shimmer seems to like it.” As if listening, Shimmer whinnies loudly, earning responses from the other horses in return. Ellie beams, and lets her grip on her reins lax a little, taking in the scenery. It's breath-taking, they’re on the top of the hill, and she can see the stretches of land, and the mountains that go for miles. She’s never experienced anything like this. She focuses on it, so that she doesn’t have to see Dina cantering along with one of the rancher’s sons, giggling with him and racing him against the herd. Instead, she keeps her sights set on the colours in the sky. She wants to paint them.

         “I’ve been meaning to talk to you.” Jesse says, and she turns her body to look at him, caution clear in her eyes, her body instantly tense.

         “Whoa, relax, man. I just wanted to ask about school, about what you want out of this.”

         “This?” Ellie raises one eyebrow, tilting her head. Shimmer snorts at one of the steers as it gets too close, and Ellie feels herself tighten on the reins.

         “The ranch, the clinic. Here. I hear you’re signing up for classes.” How does everyone know everything around here? “What’s the plan?” He looks at her, expectantly. She realises with a start that she hadn’t even really spoken to Jesse about it since her freak-out, and she knows it’s shitty of her. She’s not very good at that, opening up, sharing things. Better to keep things close to your chest, where no one can use them to hurt you. (She has to keep reminding herself, that no one wants to hurt her. Not here, anyway. Old habits die hard.)

         “I, uh- I’ve been thinking about vet school. After my GED.” She offers meekly, bowing her head, avoiding eye contact. She hasn’t really shared that with anyone yet.

         “Vet school. That’s the dream.” Jesse nods, letting out a hum of appreciation. “Are you gonna stay here to do that?” 

         Ellie blinks, and looks up at him with her head still down. “I hadn’t thought about it. I like it here, and I guess I’d wanna stay. There’s not much left for me back in Seattle anyway.”

         “You have Cat.” he offers.

         “I’d have Cat.” She agrees, slowly. She doesn’t understand what he’s getting at, she’s used to flipping him off and calling him an asshole, but not this.

         “But I think you should consider staying here. You’re pretty cool, Ellie, be a shame to lose someone like you.” He doesn’t look at her, or say anymore, but she knows what he means. She gets it, and her lips part, taking in a small breath of air, as her eyebrows raise. Jesse’s pretty fucking special to her, and she hopes he knows it, because she sure as hell isn’t telling him.

         “What was your plan? How’d you end up here?” Ellie changes the subject.

         He lets out a sharp breath, full of mirth. “My parents were good people, but they were immigrants, and we didn’t have much growing up. I wanted to be a big-time rodeo star, travelling the circuit, winning buckles and medals, but I got in a real big accident.” He lifts up his mop of hair and cranes his neck round, revealing a scar on the left of his scalp for Ellie to see.

         “How the fuck have I never seen that before?” she marvels. Jesse shrugs, scoffing as he lets the hair flip back down again, and adjusts his hat to sit back upright on his head.

         “I hide it pretty well. Anyway, I couldn’t do rodeo after that, so I got a job with Gabriel, and have been with him ever since. It’s a good job, and it pays well, so I don’t mind. They treat me well, I’m like one of the family, and I get to see my own on the holidays.”

         Ellie stays silent, her mind whirring as they walk side-by-side. She realises she’s never asked about his past before. She’s always scared that if she gets onto the topic of the past, she’ll have to relive her own, and that’s too painful, too unbearable. So, her mantra for the last year has been don’t ask, don’t tell. It’s worked for her so far, but something about Jesse’s expression makes her want to say something. Anything. So she blurts out the first thing that comes to mind.

         “I got, uh, I got this eyebrow slit in a really dumb way.” 

         Jesse barks out a laugh. “Let’s hear it.”

         “So, my uh-” her throat dries up, and she swallows through it. “My dad had this woodworking shop, and I’d just started learning how to handle the heavy stuff, right? The machinery, the saws and shit.” Jesse’s laughing already, and Ellie starts grinning as she tells the story, remembering it well. “Well, I’d just turned fifteen and…”

         “I’ve seen you do this enough times, I got it, I got it.”

         The older man chuckles, his hair starting to grey, but no-one dared to tell him, in fear of losing a finger, or vision in one of their eyes. “I’ve seen what you did to my guitar, I ain’t letting you do this on your own.”

         She cringes internally, the young girl was hoping he wouldn’t realise how she’d messed up trying to change the strings, but he’s not blind just yet. Heading that way, though, as she’s told him a thousand times before.

         “You noticed that huh?” she bites her lip, grimacing.

         “Sure did. Now-” he places a hand on the wood to steady it. He’s showing her how to use the contractor saw, a huge blade attached to a table top that cuts through planks, so that they can get them down to the right height. He’s never even let her near it before, but she’d just turned fifteen, and she’d been begging for the best part of a year to gain more experience in the shop, and he’d finally given in. There were only so many statues of astronauts she could carve before she went out of her mind.

         “-you secure that there, right? And you put the saw a couple centimetres above the wood.” He helps her, as she lines up the plank by the saw, and they both push it through together, the saw cutting through the wood effortlessly. Ellie’s mouth is wide open, and she’s giggling like crazy.

         “That’s so cool. It cut the shit out of that wood.” She beams, and crouches down on the floor to get a closer look at how the blade worked, one hand still on the wood, as he goes to get another plank to try another. The blade is still going, but the wood is cut, so she takes her hand off to try and fiddle with the settings, like she’s seen her old man do a hundred times before.

         “Wait, kiddo, what are you doing?” His voice sounds panicked, and she turns to look at him, an eyebrow raised, her palms resting against the edge of the table.

“Hold onto the wood, Ellie, hold onto the-”

She looks back round to the plank that has now been caught in the saw, and sees it slash through it with lightning speed, thanks to her setting change. But, it all happens so fast, because she isn’t prepared for the gush of blood running down the right side of her face, nor is she prepared for the blunt force that nicks her right eyebrow, splitting open the skin, because all she sees is red, and all she hears is ringing, and the sound of her own scream.

“FUCK!”

Jesse’s in hysterics, as she shakes her head, pinching her nose as she looks out on the horizon. “So, let me get this straight, a piece of wood hit you so hard that it actually scarred your eyebrow?” 

“Yeah.” Ellie rolls her eyes, grinning. “I had to get stitches and everything. It just hasn’t grown back since, so now I have a permanent eyebrow slit.” 

“That’s gold, man. You really are lacking a few brain cells.” He reaches out and hits her shoulder lightly, and Ellie laughs, swatting him back. It’s nice to remember, and to laugh. It’s nice to feel the cold air in her lungs and breathe deeply. This whole day, it’s just nice. 

“Your old man, what’s his name?”

Ellie is looking out of the horizon, and she feels her chest tighten at the mention of him. Even after a year, it still hurts. But she smiles, as she narrows her eyes at the view, taking it all in for the hundredth time that day. He would’ve fucking loved it out here.

“Joel. His name was Joel.”

~

         They’ve reached the creek now, a huge river flowing across the field connecting Ezra’s fields to protected lands that runs in between Seth’s place and Ezra’s. Dina and a few of the other ranchers are already wading through the water, and Jesse urges Champ on, who takes a few cautious steps into the water, to then make his way proudly through the lake, keeping the herd in line. Ellie kicks Shimmer on, but the mare throws her head back, backing away from the running water, squealing. 

         “Whoa, hey girl, c’mon. It’s not gonna hurt you.” Ellie tries to soothe the horse, and urge her on, but Shimmer just spins on her hind legs, trying to make her way back home. Ellie halts on the reins, and manages to get her facing the stream again, but every time she kicks her on, Shimmer just backs up into a steer, or another horse, and Ellie wants to scream.

         “Everything okay over there?” she hears a voice call out, and she sees Jesse whispering to Dina, indicating to Ellie with a nod of his head. Subtle, she snaps wordlessly. As if she isn’t filled with shame enough, Dina’s trudging back through the stream to her rescue, and now she really wants to scream. Dina hasn’t spoken a word to her all day, and now she’s having to rescue Ellie across a creek that Shimmer apparently thinks is going to drown her.

         “She scared of the water?” Dina asks, a smug grin on her face.

         “It’s more like she’s scared of what’s after it.” Ellie looks at Shimmer, the horse’s ears pinned back against her skull, and Dina pouts, in thought.

         “Seth’s place isn’t too far up ahead, so it makes sense. Give me your leg.”

         Ellie’s head snaps up, her face a picture of bewilderment. “My what?”

         “Oh my god, just give me your leg.” Dina snaps, and Ellie takes both feet out of the stirrup, bringing her left over so that she’s sitting on the saddle with both legs facing the other girl. Dina pulls up to stand their horses next to each other and takes her own foot out of her stirrup. “Okay, put your foot in there.”

         Ellie obliges, tipping forward, about to let out a shout when Dina’s hand comes up under her arm to steady her. “You ready?” Ellie nods, and suddenly Dina’s pulling her over towards her, and Ellie’s swinging her right leg over Japan’s body as she sits behind the saddle, her arms wrapped around Dina’s middle, clinging on for her life. The other girl has hold of Shimmer’s reins, and is kicking Japan on, Ellie falling backwards slightly as the horse picks up immediately into a trot, Shimmer trailing behind them, head being pulled forward by Dina.

         “Holy fuck, Dina.” Ellie breathes, her chin almost resting on the girl’s shoulder, and it elicits a genuine laugh from Dina. It’s as if last night didn’t happen, with both girls whooping, and Jesse rolling his eyes at the show they’re putting on. 

“Hold on tight!” she calls back to Ellie, who squeezes the other girl, and laughs as her legs dangle around Japan’s stomach, Dina having taken back her stirrup. It’s a large creek, and so it takes a couple minutes to cross, Japan moving slowly through the water with Shimmer behind them and bringing up the back end of the drive. When they reach dry land, Dina brings Japan to stand, and Ellie jumps down, to haul herself back on Shimmer.

“Something tells me you’ve done that more than once.” Ellie breathes, flushed.

Dina grins back at her. “Just a few times.”

After the river, they’ve all switched places, with Jesse at the head of the drive, and Ellie and Dina bringing up the rest of the cows behind. They canter to catch up to the rest of the ride, and slow down next to each other, walking side by side as they carry on with the rest of the ride.

It’s silent for a while, both girls just enjoying the silence, still nursing hangovers, but Ellie starts to get twitchy after a while, stealing glances at Dina, trying to make sense of everything. She’s not even sure how much of the night Dina actually remembers, as she’d gone back to treating Ellie exactly how she had been the past few weeks, and she’s trying to work up the nerve to ask her when Dina interrupts her train of thought.

“Just say it, Ellie.”

Ellie’s head whips up to look at the darker-haired girl, her mouth open like a fish, and she closes it instantly. She tries again. “I-uh, I just wanted to say sorry for freaking out last night,” she quickly adds, “y’know, making you crash there.”

Dina gives a small smile, licking her lips as she looks down at her gloved hands. “Oh, that. Yeah, it’s okay. I totally get it; I was pretty drunk.”

“Yeah, you were….” Ellie bites the inside of her cheek, taking a deep breath before starting again, her heart racing. “Do you remember-”

“-kissing you?” Dina finishes, her chin lifted, her lips pursed. “Yeah, I do.”

Ellie’s mouth forms an ‘oh’, Dina’s chocolate eyes boring straight into hers, and breathing suddenly doesn’t come so easy to her anymore. She breaks the eye contact first, swallowing audibly as she glances away, her eyes widening. Ellie bites her lips, get a fucking grip, Ellie, and furrows her brows, snapping her head back up to look at Dina. She can’t keep doing this, it’s not fair anymore.

“What’s been going on with us, Dina?”

Guilt swallows Dina and is clear in the way she shifts in her saddle, in the way her eyes flit to look at anywhere but Ellie, and the way her breath hitches.

“I shouldn’t have kissed you like that. I shouldn’t have started this whole thing.”

“Stop, I know you were drunk and-” Ellie starts, she doesn’t want to hear all of this. She doesn’t want to know that Dina doesn’t feel that way about her, not in the way that Ellie feels about the other girl. She was stupid to think anything else could be possible.

         “No, that’s not it, Ellie-”

         “I’m not reading into it or anything, don’t-”

         Dina grunts in frustration, looking at Ellie through thick eyelashes. “Will you just let me finish? Ellie, I-” but she doesn’t get to finish, because a booming noise interrupts their conversation, and it’s deafening, like a gunshot, and it causes the horses to spook, and the cows to start rioting.

         “What the fuck are you doing with my horse?” 

Ellie looks up, ears still ringing, and sees an older man, charging straight for her, shotgun in hand. The horses are going feral, a few of the ranchers are already galloping off to round up escaping cattle, with one rancher thrown from his horse, laying on the floor. Ellie tightens on her reins, trying to soothe a frightened Shimmer, but to no avail, as the man makes a beeline for her, getting all up in Shimmer’s face. Gabriel’s already riding up to them but hasn’t caught up just yet. Dina’s shouting, but Ellie’s gone into shock from the sound, her mind foggy, and she can’t hear what the girl is saying.

         “What the fuck is your deal, man?” Ellie shouts, swerving Shimmer away from the crazy fucker. He doesn’t give up, though, because he’s trying to grab at Shimmer’s reins.

         “That’s my horse you’re riding on, girl! That’s my deal!” He shouts back at her, as he takes hold of Shimmer’s bridle, yanking her head down. The horse instantly lets out a panicked whinny, and rears up on her hind legs, and Ellie loses a stirrup, but holds onto the reins and saddle with every morsel of strength she has. She can feel herself slipping from the saddle, as she buries her head in Shimmer’s mane, but she jolts back down again as the mare lands back down on the ground.

         “Ellie!” Dina cries out, and that’s when Gabriel reaches them. 

         “Seth, what in God’s name, do you think you’re doing?” He’s jumping down from his horse, storming up to the older guy, who apparently is Old man Seth. He gets in his face, and Ellie can only watch the scene unfold, her heart still going a million miles an hour after Shimmer’s freak-out. 

         “That’s my fucking horse, Jew. You’re a thief,” Seth spits out, and Gabriel tenses up. “I want back what’s mine.” He goes to grab Shimmer by her bridle again, but Gabriel catches his arm and pushes him back.

         “I can always call animal protection and tell them how we found her; they might say differently.” Gabriel warns, a hard edge in his voice that Ellie’s never heard before, and never wants to hear again. Seth is clearly riled up, as he starts to square up to the other man, as another rancher joins to see the commotion, and dismounts from his horse with a thud. Ellie steals a glance at the rest of the riders, who have managed to get the herd back together, but are still riding on, and back at the men in front of her. Gabriel nods toward Dina, signalling her to keep riding.

         “Take Ellie, ride past the herd, I’ll deal with this.” There’s urgency behind his voice, and Dina falters for a second, before Seth reaches for his shotgun. “Go, girls.”

         “Ellie, c’mon!” Dina shouts out, fear clear in her voice, and adrenaline courses through Ellie, as she kicks on Shimmer. The mare doesn’t need much persuading, nervous energy running through the both of them, as they take off flat-out across the field, both girls galloping away from Seth, whose shouts they can still hear in the distance. Ellie risks a glance back, Seth’s gun has been snatched by the other cowboy, and Gabriel’s restraining Seth, but she has to turn back to see where she’s going, in fear of losing balance, before she can see it unfold. As they pass the herd, Dina shouts out to Ezra, explaining where they were going, and he holds a thumb up to her, relaying it back to the riders behind them. 

         They gallop until the horses tire out, covering a good mile, before they slow to a trot, and then to a walk. They give the horses their heads, letting them stretch out their necks, before Ellie takes the first deep breath, she feels like she’s taken since they started galloping.

         “Holy fucking shit,” is all she can manage. Dina just lets out an incredulous laugh, hand coming to rub her forehead, as if she can’t quite believe the events that just unfolded. Ellie isn’t sure she can believe them either if she’s being honest.

         “Mood.” She deadpans, and they meet eyes, both catching their breaths again.

         “So, that was Seth.” Ellie spits. “What a bigot.” 

         Dina lets out an unamused snort of laughter. “He’s always hated my family; this just gave him an excuse to spew that shit. He’s usually harmless. Fuck. He sure as hell isn’t getting any leftover sandwiches.” 

         Ellie’s eyes aren't sure where to settle, everything feels too much, and they’re flitting all around her, her whole body on edge, full of nervous energy drumming throughout it.

         “He’s not gonna get her.” Ellie looks up, hunched over, and Dina’s smiling at her, her eyes soft. Compassionate. “My Dad’s not gonna let that happen.”

         Ellie gives a weak nod, still shaken, and she can’t take it anymore, not on top of everything else that has just happened. “Dina, are we okay?”

         Dina nods, her face softening into a small smile. “Yeah, we’re good.”

         Ellie hums, blinking slowly, processing the last twenty-four hours when she spots a small glint in the distance. The sun’s starting to set now, so she can’t make it out. “What’s that?”

         Dina squints, bringing her hat over her head to shade the sun, and perks up as she recognises it. “It’s my Mom’s truck.”

         “Wait, Anita’s here?” Ellie raises an eyebrow, as Dina kicks Japan on into a trot, and Ellie follows suit. Dina looks back at her as the silver truck gets clearer the closer, they get. There’s another glint to the right of it, and Ellie notices an almost-exact replica of the enclosure at Ezra’s ranch standing tall. They must be at the start of Dina’s land.

         “Yeah, she’s brought all the tents and food. She does it every year, drives up a couple hours here and back to bring us everything. It’s kind of a tradition.” Dina smiles, and Ellie finds herself smiling back because man, Anita’s a fucking great mom.

         They reach Anita, and Ellie finds herself enveloped in a cloud of perfume and cotton as soon as she jumps down from Shimmer. Anita pulls her into a big embrace, fussing over her, as Dina watches on in amusement, letting herself down from her own horse. 

         “I just got a call from Gabe, are you okay?” Dina’s mother holds Ellie’s face in her hands, checking her over for scratches or marks, and only let’s go when she’s satisfied, pulling Dina into a hug immediately afterwards. It’s Ellie’s time to grin at the display of affection.

         They immediately untack their horses, tying them up and letting them graze on the grass. The girls start setting up the tents, their earlier conversation put on hold for the time being, and Anita begins setting up a dinner spread, and they’re almost finished when they hear the thundering of hooves, and then voices crying out, loudly. They look up, Ellie sees the ranchers herding the cattle into the pen, and she hears the bellows of the steers in protest, but grins. It’s such a cool thing to be able to see from the ground.

         Once all the cows are in the pen, the ranchers ride over, galloping in a group, all of them coming to a halt around the camp they’ve set up. Gabriel jumps down from his horse, letting her graze, and rushes to the aid of his family. 

         “What happened?” Dina asks immediately, her mouth set in a hard line.

         Gabriel shakes his head. “Better you don’t know. Come, let’s tie up the horses and eat.”

         Ellie stays quiet, a feeling of uneasiness settling in her stomach; she’s dealt with enough men like Seth back in Seattle to know how they work. Hatred and bigotry rule their lives, and the need to control things is like a drug to them. This may be the first time she’s had the misfortune of meeting Seth, but Ellie knows it isn’t the last. She takes one last look at Shimmer, who is calm, the incident seemingly forgotten, and follows the three of them back to the camp.

~

         It didn’t take long for everyone to sit around the campfire, eating Anita’s barbecue and drinking various forms of alcohol. The horses were all tied up with long ropes against the trees, grazing on the grass and hay that Anita had hauled up to the fields. The guy Dina had been riding with earlier, whose name Ellie had learnt was Benji, had come over and sat with them earlier, until his Dad had called him over to help with the barbecuing. Now, Ellie, Dina and Jesse are sitting in a huddle on a blanket, while others are perching on fold-up chairs or blankets of their own. Ellie has never seen anything like this, felt anything like this, it’s surreal. Jesse hadn’t commented on the fact that Dina was talking to Ellie again, nor did he touch on the topic of Joel again, just gave her a shoulder nudge when he’d caught up to them, and she’s thankful for it. 

         “Man, you should’ve seen how Ellie stayed on.” Dina’s face is bright, her cheeks flushed from the warm food and beer, her hair messy from sitting beneath her hat all day. “It was so incredible.”

         Ellie takes a bite of her burger, rolling her eyes. “No, it wasn’t.”

         Dina scoffs and shoves Ellie gently, making the other girl laugh with her mouth full, almost choking. “Stop being modest.”

         Jesse laughs at them both, chugging down beer to follow his own burger. Their private bubble is pierced by the sound of clinking glasses, and Gabriel clearing his throat, as the chatter from the rest of the camp dies down, everyone turning to look at the older man. 

         “I just wanted to thank everyone for coming again, I know times have been tough lately with the hot summer but seeing the faces of my dear friends makes me very happy. Seeing my lovely daughter, Dina, with competition season coming up, makes me so proud.” Ellie hears Dina shift next to her and smiles softly as the girl takes her hand into her own, rubbing her thumb over Ellie’s. 

“Seeing my gorgeous wife as beautiful today as she was the day, we met makes me feel like the luckiest man in the world.” He winds his other arm around Anita, squeezing her and kissing the side of her head as he continues, raising his glass towards Ezra. “My brother, Ezra, who has been my partner throughout our lives, Jesse, who has come to be like a son to me after all these years, who supports me every day, and finally, Ellie.” 

She feels eyes turn to her, both familiar and unfamiliar, as Dina squeezes her land, still resting in the other girl’s lap. “Ellie, who has only recently joined us, but who has turned our world’s upside down. I am thankful for you all, as I am thankful for everyone in this group tonight. To us.”

         He raises a glass, and Ellie can feel her eyes stinging, the tiredness and emotion washing over her in waves. She raises her glass. “To us.”

The next hour is filled up with old stories and legends passed down through generations, retold again around this campfire, folk songs, talks of memories gone, and just general warm feelings. Ellie’s buzzed, her eyelids droopy, her head on Dina’s shoulder. She’s drifting off to sleep against the other girl when she feels a tap on her shoulder, and she realises the sound around her has drowned out. Opening her eyes, she’s met with Ezra crouching in front of her, a mischievous smile plastered across his face, and a guitar in his hand.

         “For you.” He grins, shoving it into her hands, and that’s when she realises Dina’s grinning too, so is Jesse, and everyone at this fucking campfire is staring at her.

         “Uh, what’s going on?” her eyes are bulging, as she grips the guitar loosely.

         “Dina told us you can play. Shame on you for hiding it from us.” Ezra grunts, it’s more than she’s heard him ever say, and her face starts to burn.

         “Oh, shit, uh, no, I couldn’t-”

         “Nonsense!” Gabriel interjects from his seat across the small fire. “Play something for us Ellie, Dina says you have a sweet voice.”

         Ellie offers an awkward smile as she takes the guitar, putting on a smile as she whispers to Dina under her breath. “I’m going to kill you.” Dina nudges her shoulder against Ellie’s, smiling back, her voice low. 

“I’d like to see you try.”

Ellie sighs, the tone resigned yet amused simultaneously, and checks the tuning of the guitar. The ranchers around her clap, refilling their cups for the final drink of the night, and she strums the first chord. The people around her fade away, and she plays the song Joel had taught her how to play the first time she’d had her heart broken. And now she played it for Dina.

“Modern woman, let's make a home,

Go do what you wanted,

But don't leave me alone.”

She feels everything that’s happened in the last day catch up to her, the uncertainty, the longing, the excitement, the adrenaline, the feeling of belonging, all crashing over her at once, and she pours it all into the song.

         “Modern woman, let's make a family,

Don't stop chasing your dreams,

But please, be kind to your baby.”

She feels Dina go still next to her, and she feels the hush take over the clearing, the only sound being the horses gentle grazing and the sounds of the leaves rustling in the early November wind. 

         “Modern woman, modern woman,

Please, make this peasant your man,

Modern woman, modern woman,

I will love you the best that I can,”

Dina’s arm is pressed up right into hers, and it’s setting every nerve of hers on fire.

“The best that I can,

The best that I can.”

She strums the last note, and lets it sit in the air for a moment before looking up, her eyes wide. Gabriel and Anita are looking at it in a way that makes her insides twist, in the way that Joel looked at her when she mastered her first song on his guitar. The ranchers and families, connections, friends are staring at her, some with their eyes closed, just enjoying the music, others with warmth in their eyes, but all with smiles on their mouths. She looks to her left, Jesse, and Dina, who are just looking at her, Jesse with appreciation, Dina with something more and she lets out a shaky breath. 

         “That was wonderful, Ellie, truly.” Gabriel speaks, and she flits her gaze towards him, offering a shy smile in return, shrinking back behind the guitar. Everyone claps quietly, and the atmosphere is cosy, a stark contrast to the biting chill of the night. Ellie sets the guitar down next to her, as Gabriel turns back to everybody.

         “I think we can safely say it’s time to call it a night, we still have a way to go tomorrow.”

         Everyone packs up, claiming each of their tents, but Ellie can’t bring herself to move. She’s still reeling, her mind catching up with what just happened. Dina gives her a gentle tap, but she doesn’t stir, only looking up when Dina takes hold of her arm and gently tugs her to stand up.

         “Come on.” She cocks her head, her eyes trained on Ellie with amusement sparkling behind them, as Ellie follows her wordlessly to Anita’s truck, pulling out sleeping bags and clean clothes from the bed of the truck. Anita kisses them both goodnights, and they walk back to their tent, Dina gently pushing Ellie, guiding her into the small space. Ellie pretends she didn’t see the look that passed between Mother and daughter, and Dina pretends she isn’t worried about the other girl. It’s a weird dynamic between them in that moment, with so many things left unsaid, but with a million more things being communicated between them, in the way they held themselves, in the way they handled the other. Ellie can’t put it into words, not that she has any sort of coherency with words right now.

         Dina hands Ellie an oversized shirt and a pair of thick pyjama pants, along with one of her sweatshirts and both girls change silently, backs turned to each other. Dina puts their sleeping bags into one larger one, padding underneath them with the saddle blankets from their horses, and both girls climb in. They don’t face away from each other, but they don’t say anything, either, until Dina reaches out and tucks a flyaway strand of Ellie’s hair behind her ear.

         “You and Soraya seemed pretty close last night.” Dina muses, her tone light, but Ellie understands the weight of it. So much for a peaceful night.

         “I’m surprised you even remember anything from last night.” Ellie whispers back, her voice wavering. Dina’s hand is resting just behind her neck, and she feels every auburn hair on the back of her neck stand up on edge from the contact. Dina’s eyes are wide, and it’s impossible to avoid them, and Ellie finds herself not wanting to, instead staring straight into them.

         “Hm, not much, but I remember that.” Ellie straightens her spine at that, the cogs whirring in her mind. 

         “What were you going to say earlier?”

         “Hm?” Dina’s eyes are wide, innocent, but Ellie knows that she understands exactly what the redhead is talking about.

         “Earlier, by the water. What was up with you last night?” Ellie pushes, the slight desperation in her voice giving her away a lot more than she would’ve liked. She blamed the alcohol, and the lack of sleep, and the last three weeks of yearning.

         “Can’t a girl just want to get wasted?” Dina jokes, but sighs when Ellie doesn’t move an inch. “Ellie, don’t make me say it.”

         “Say what, Dina?” Ellie asks, exasperated. Dina just stares at her, mouth open. Ellie sighs, done with the conversation. rolling over to go to sleep when Dina grabs her.

         “I just, I saw you at the party, and then with Soraya, and it just… It got to me, okay?”

         Ellie shakes her head, no it’s not okay, because she still doesn’t understand. Dina looks at her in wonder, probably at how someone can be so street smart and yet so out-of-her-depth when it comes to people, and she rolls onto her back, staring up at the top of the tent, speechless. She tilts her head up at Ellie after a moment, and something glints in her eye. Ellie doesn’t like it.

         “I’m not good with words, so let me ask you something.” Dina pulls herself up to learn on her elbow now, her face hovering above Ellie’s, who shrinks back into the sleeping bag at the sudden close contact. “How would you rate our kiss from last night?”

         Ellie scoffs, cheeks instantly red. She doesn’t understand this girl, how Dina can shift from one extreme to the other, how she can give Ellie such whiplash but in her fucking mind. Suddenly everything but Dina’s face is interesting, and she’s mentally counting the number of threads in the sleeping bag as she deliberates her answer. “Are we still talking about this? You said it was a mistake.”

         “Did I say that?” Dina tilts her head, as Ellie’s head raises up instantly, her eyes studying Dina for any sense of what the fuck she was meant to take from that?

         She sits up, so that their faces are equal, her eyes narrowed, her heart still. “What are you doing?” she asks, adrenaline coursing through her for the second time that day.

         “I’m asking you to rate our kiss.” Dina smiles slowly, and Ellie can hear the blood pumping in her head, half out of anticipation, the other half out of sheer confusion. She raises an eyebrow, looking down at the space between them.

         “I don’t know.”

         Dina lays back down, eyes pointed upwards towards Ellie, looking at the redhead through thick lashes. “Eh, I’d give it a six.”

         Ellie guffaws, glaring at the girl beneath her. “A six?”

         Dina grins, she knows she’s got Ellie now. “Yeah, it was pretty sloppy, it didn’t last that long either.”

         Ellie feigns indignation at that one, the girl has a point. “Okay, but a six seems harsh.”

         Dina scrunches up her nose, her pink tongue slightly poking out of her lips. “Oh? Now I really wanna know how you’d rate it.”

         Ellie turns slightly away from her, clutching her elbows, almost cuddling her own body. “I don’t think you do.” Her mouth is dry, her hair sticking to her forehead.

         She hears a rustling behind her and turns back around to peek at Dina, who’s resting her cheek on her elbow again. The two girls’ just stare at each other, the air thick with tension from everything left unsaid between them, and Ellie licks her lips, a shiver running down her spine as she catches her bottom lip with her teeth.

         “You’re infuriating.” Dina rolls her eyes, and Ellie presses her lips together to stop herself from grinning, giving a light shake of her head.

         “Have you met you? We haven't talked in weeks. You literally refused to acknowledge my existence.”

         Dina winces at that one, and Ellie knows she hit close to him. She hadn’t brought that up yet, but she knows Dina was waiting for it. Good. 

         “You make me wanna do it again.” Dina lifts her head up, using her right arm to push herself up slowly, her chest puffed out as she comes face to face with Ellie, both girls upright in the cramped tent.

         Ellie steels her own body, her defence mechanisms almost instinctual at this point. “Fine, go ahead, no one is stopping you.”

         It’s not until she really looks at Dina, and sees that glint in her eyes, that she realises what’s happening here, and her whole body is on fire. Because it can’t be real, because Dina must be drunk again. But Ellie knows for a fact she’s not, both girls had stuck to juice the whole night, still wrecked from the night before. It’s only when Dina’s leaning in towards her, her unruly black hair gently brushing against Ellie’s forehead, her warm arm touching Ellie’s chilled one, that Ellie lets herself live in the moment. She tilts her head to fit around Dina’s like a jigsaw piece, and they fit perfectly, Ellie unable to take her eyes away from Dina’s until she catches sight of the other girl’s lips, slightly parted.

         Both girls are slightly panting now, anticipation prickling in the air, and Dina bites her lip.

         “This better be better than a six.”

         And that’s when Ellie leaves all sense and reason outside of the tent and crashes her lips onto Dina’s. Ellie’s hands are acting of their own accord, taking hold of Dina’s cheeks, entangling them in her hair, as the other girl gets over her initial shock of seeing Ellie so strong and brings a hand up to gently cup the redhead’s cheek. At the touch, Ellie deepens the kiss, her lips tingling, her body on fire and for a second, she has to pull away, hands still in Dina’s hair, just to look at her - just to make sure this is real, that this is happening - and she finds confirmation in Dina’s eyes. She finds love in Dina’s eyes, and so she crashes her lips back onto Dina’s once more, as the other girl snakes both arms around Ellie’s shoulders, pressing her body closer to her own. Ellie slots one leg in between Dina’s thighs, and rests her mouth against the other girl’s as she slowly lowers her down. Dina tightens her hold on the freckled girl, clearly unimpressed, and pulls Ellie on top of her, her hands sliding underneath the sweatshirt onto the skin of Ellie’s back, her fingers surprisingly cold against it. (Then again, Ellie feels like she’s going to explode.) 

         Dina lets out a quiet giggle as Ellie plants kisses down her neck, stopping at her collarbone to pepper that with kisses too. “Now do you see why I wanted you to rate our kiss?”

         Ellie hums into her collarbone, and it elicits a shiver from the darker-haired girl, which makes Ellie fucking beam like a child. “Because you had the hots for me this whole time?”

         “Shut up.” Dina breathes, neither of them quite believing this is happening, or where Ellie’s newfound confidence has come from, one of her hands gripping at Dina’s hip, the other holding herself up by Dina’s ear. “I’d give this a- Oh my god.” 

         “A what?” Ellie laughs quietly into her neck, suddenly remembering that there are other people in the clearing, and just praying that no one hears them. Especially not Jesse, please not Jesse. 

         “You’re way too smug for me right now, Ellie.” Dina scolds, but it’s full of humour and she pulls Ellie down to lie next to her, instantly nestling herself into the older girl’s arms. She leans up and plants another kiss on Ellie’s lips, a slow one this time, gentle, and it lasts a while, the two girls’ just getting a feel for each other, creating a rhythm. It’s warm, and it’s comforting, and it’s safe, Ellie feels safe. She feels happy. She’s not foolish enough to think that this solves everything, that they won’t still have things to resolve, especially not after the last few weeks, but at least some of it makes sense to her now. She’s connecting the dots. 

         They pull away, and Dina lays flat on her back, Ellie curled up next to her. She cranes her neck, looking at Ellie, and brings a hand up to her cheek, just studying her face.

         “I’ve always liked this.” Her fingers trace the scar on Ellie’s eyebrow, bare skin that creates a gap in the mousy brown hair. “It’s badass.”

         Ellie snorts, and leans into the touch. “You’re not going to think that once you hear how I got it.” She finds herself recounting that story for the second time that day, but she doesn’t mind, because Dina laughs at Joel’s reaction, and the morbidity of it all, and Ellie finds herself telling her more stories about Joel; how he taught her to swim by throwing her in the local lake, how he taught her to play guitar, how one time she made weed brownies and he accidentally ate one, and he spent the whole rest of the day trying to make a life-size wood sculpture of her, but was so high that he’d just fallen asleep on the front desk. She’d come home from school that day, and he’d never lived it down. She even told Dina something she hadn’t told anyone here yet.

         “He, uh, he died. Last year. In a car accident.”

         Dina’s arm around Ellie instinctively tightens, ensnaring her in a tight embrace. Ellie prepares herself for a look of pity, a distance in Dina’s eyes, but what comes is understanding, patience, and it throws Ellie off-kilter. 

         “Was he your real Dad?”

         Ellie shook her head. “No. No, he fostered me when I was like, fourteen. I don’t remember my real parents. They, uh, left me at St Mary’s when I was a kid. I was in and out of there for my whole life, until I got a job at Joel’s woodwork shop, and uh, the rest was history, as they say.” She smiles weakly, and Dina brings a hand gently to Ellie’s cheek, just looking at her, something more behind those dark eyes, something that Ellie knows runs deep.

         “Had he lost someone too?” she asks, and Ellie knits her eyebrows together, her mouth open, surprise clear on her face.

         “Yeah, he’d lost his daughter. Before I was born, actually.”

         Dina nods, and Ellie feels strangely calm, lighter. This moment feels too fragile, like it would break if she spoke too loudly, like the picture would become fuzzy until it faded out, the volume lowering to zero. She starts to shake, and Dina knows the conversation is over, because she brings Ellie close to her, her chin resting on auburn hair. There’s so much more to the story, so much more that Ellie wants to tell Dina, she feels like a fountain, spilling her guts once someone switches the on button, unable to stop. But her drains are clogged, there’s something still in the way, and it just needs time, patience. She’s still shaking slightly, but she feels at ease, her body intertwined with Dina’s. She’s almost asleep when she hears it, so much so that she thinks she dreamt it.

         “He would be so proud of you.”

~

It doesn’t take them long the next day to drive the rest of the cattle over to the field. Once they’d set up, Anita had driven back with the camping equipment and leftovers, leaving them to make the rest of the way back on horseback. The cattle were now in the larger middle fields of Gabriel’s land, a good hundred acres away from any of the horses, but close enough that they could check on them easily throughout the winter. Anita had prepared a spread with the leftovers, and a shit ton of coffee that was just waiting for them once they got back, and everyone had rushed to dig in, heads fuzzy after the whiskey from last night. Ellie realises she’s drank more in the past couple months than she has in her entire life, and that's saying something. Cowboys can drink. She’s slotted between Ezra and Jessie at the dinner table, crowds of people both standing and sitting around her in Dina’s living room. She’s helping herself to a shit ton of cholent, and it tastes even better than the one Ezra cooked up for her the night after her and Jesse’s heavy night of drinking, because it’s made from last night's leftover barbecue. Ellie’s scoffing it down, and Jesse has to remind her to breathe and chew because it’s not going anywhere, and this sets Dina off.

         They’ve been giving each other sly looks all morning, the knowledge that they’d woken up in each other’s arms that morning, with the taste of the other still lingering on their lips, a secret between them. Or at least Ellie had thought so.

         “Sounds like you two had a lot of fun last night. Looks like it too.” Jesse catches her off guard, murmuring into his coffee cup, just low enough for only Ellie to hear, and she chokes on her mouthful.

         “Oh, my God.” Jesse pats her back, sniggering to himself as she splutters, trying to compose herself, a few strange looks being thrown her way at the sudden outburst.

         “You were the talk of the ride this morning, by the way. That’s a real nice song you sang last night.” Ellie looks at him now, still slightly winded from, you know, choking, but she’s reaching for her coffee cup, leaning back in her chair. She’s cradling it like a child and takes a sip to wash away some of the embarrassment.

         “Thanks.” It’s all she can say.

         “You’re welcome. Teach me how to play a few songs and I won’t tell the boss man you spent all of last night eating his daughter’s face off.” The moment’s ruined, and Ellie swats at him, but he dodges her attacks pretty easily. She is like, half his height.

         “Where’s your fucking loyalty?” she jibes, and it earns her the middle finger in response.

         “I wanna learn the opening to that song you played last week, you know that Dynamo one?” He starts trying to sing it, different pitches of the word Dynamo! violating Ellie’s ears and she puts a hand on his mouth to shut him up. The guy can’t carry a tune to save his life.

“That songs played with an electric guitar, Jesse.” Ellie just laughs at him as his eyes bulge out in understanding. Dumbass.

~

Everyone’s left now, Dina had stayed in the kitchen to help Anita tidy up, while Ellie and the boys had gotten started on the chores they’d missed while they were on the drive. She’s done now, and she’s sitting in the field, the afternoon winter sun warm on her face. Shimmer and her foal are grazing by Ellie’s feet, occasionally nudging them with their noses as they tug the grass from the ground with their teeth. She’s lost in thought, body, and mind separate when she feels a body collapse down next to her. Dina instantly lays down on the ground next to her, resting her head in Ellie’s lap, looking up at her. She looks so beautiful, the sunlight hitting the side of her face, illuminating the brown in her eyes, making it seem like there are bronze flames underneath their surface. Ellie thinks she’s the most beautiful girl she’s ever seen, and she instantly brings a hand up to cradle her cheek, bruising away a loose strand of hair.

“I’m sorry I’ve been such an asshole.” 

Dina’s looking up at her, her eyes crinkled, and Ellie’s hand stops moving. She’s not sure if she’s ready for this, but she knows it has to happen.

“I shouldn’t have pushed you away like that. I’m just used to losing people.”

That comes as a shock to Ellie because Dina always seems so bright, so confident, so sure of her worth and value as a person, as a rider. But then, maybe it doesn’t surprise her, because she’s seen how hard Dina is on herself when she’s riding, she saw Dina on the night of the first party, where she caved in on herself hearing that song, and things start clicking into place. 

“Is that why you asked if Joel had lost someone?” Ellie whispers, her voice faint, small.

“Lost people have a funny way of finding each other.” Like us, goes unsaid.

Both girls are quiet now, Dina closing her eyes, her chest rising and falling with deep breaths, and Ellie watching the mare and her foal, who’s grown so much in these last few weeks. He comes trotting over to the two of them, and Ellie chuckles lightly, giving him a good scratch behind his ears as he cranes his neck to sniff at her pockets for treats.

“Have you named him yet?” Dina asks, one eye open.

Ellie doesn’t take her eyes away from the foal, but she smiles to herself, the name coming to her instantly. “Yeah. His name is JJ.” 

Joel Junior.

Dina takes Ellie’s left hand, and brings it up to her mouth, placing soft kisses against each individual finger, and one longer one on her palm, before placing it gently against her heart.

They stay like that for hours.

Chapter Text

            “Couldn’t resist me, huh?” Ellie breathes against Dina’s mouth, catching the other girl’s lower lip between two teeth, tugging gently. Dina hums her approval, pulling the other girl closer to her, deepening the kiss as she slips her tongue into Ellie’s mouth. One of Ellie’s hands comes to rest on the wooden panel next to Dina’s face, holding her up over the darker-haired girl, while the other hand throws the rake she was holding in favour of gripping Dina’s waist, thumbs digging under the girl’s shirt into the flesh of her hips. Ellie had gotten an early start to the day, turning out the horses to the paddocks, and was a few stables into mucking out all of their stalls, when a hand had grabbed her from Japan’s empty stable, pulling her into the corner, and up against a familiar warm body. Dina had kissed her instantly, hands in Ellie’s hair, one leg shoved in between the red head’s thighs. Needless to say, it had caught Ellie by complete surprise, but she wasn’t complaining as her heart raced, her left hand sliding down Dina’s body to grip at her thigh, hiking it up by her waist, slightly lifting the girl, as she presses quick kisses down her neck, into her hair, as the girl beneath her lets out a small gasp. They’re both flushed, and Ellie’s burning up way too much for a cold winter morning in Mid-November, but they’re both alert enough to hear the growing sound of voices.

            “Shit.” Dina breathes, sliding down the wooden wall of the stable at lightning speed, grabbing hold of Ellie and pulling her down with her. Ellie lands on top of the other girl, both of them breathing hard, and Dina holds her still, stopping her from moving. They’d landed in the fresh bed she’d just made up, and Ellie can feel strands of hair and bits of shavings, in her mouth, over her eyes, and she attempts to blow them out of her face with her breath, failing miserably as they settle back in her eyesight, the shavings not budging. Dina’s body vibrates with silent laughter, barely suppressed, at Ellie’s visible irritation. Both girls still as the sound of Gabriel’s deep voice rumbles throughout the barn, and the sound of several footsteps’ cuts through the early morning stillness left in the girl’s wake. 

            “-so once Marlene signs off, we have a strong enough case to get the papers. I’m just nervous that it won’t be enough.” Gabriel says, his voice only audible halfway through a sentence, but it piques Ellie’s curiosity, nonetheless. Her eyes squint as she raises her head, straining her ears to hear the rest of the conversation, as another voice pipes up.

            “You gonna tell Ellie?” It’s Jesse, and Ellie’s head snaps back to Dina’s, and she’s met with wide, burning eyes. She starts pushing herself up from Dina, but the other girl’s arm shoots out to touch Ellie’s cheek, tugging it gently to get eye contact with the girl above her, slightly shaking her head. Don’t. Ellie knows she’s right, she’s not even sure what she would say, or how she’d explain the fact that she’s on top of Gabriel’s daughter, both of them covered in wood chip shavings.

            “No. I want to know for certain, build a stronger case first. That girl’s been through a lot in her life, I fear this would be too much.” The hand on Ellie’s cheek presses into it tighter, and she feels Dina’s other hand squeeze her shoulder, almost as if it were a reflex, an instinct. Ellie’s whole body is stiff, every sense overloading her, and as much as she wants to lean into Dina’s touch, melt into it, she can’t, her survival instinct kicks in. She feels like she’s back in Seattle, her body pricked, ready to defend herself, so much so that she feels the shuddering of the stable door latch as it’s bolted shut next to them, and she feels Dina’s sharp intake of breath. Her head snaps up, and is met with a face of pure shock, shifting into annoyance, and then settling on mild annoyance, all battling across Jesse’s features. He’s leaning against the stable door, knuckles white against the latch. They’d forgotten to close it. Both girls grimace, and the tension leaves Ellie’s body as she shoots him a quick salute paired with a shameful smile. Her smile grows a little wider as she sees the amused disappointment plain across his face, staring at his dumbass of a friend. 

            “Yeah,” he deadpans, looking directly at Ellie, “wouldn’t want to worry her.”

            Both girl’s whole bodies vibrate, their laughter barely suppressed as Ellie knocks her forehead onto Dina’s shoulder, burying it in the other girl’s neck as she desperately clings on to her last thread of restraint. Props to Jessie, he’s holding his shit together well, as he pushes himself off of the door and follows the older man into the office opposite the stall. Dina shushes her quietly, still holding back giggles, as she buries her nose into Ellie’s hair, planting gentle kisses into the auburn mess, her hands around Ellie’s shoulders. 

            “Okay, okay,” Dina breathes through choked laughter, “I gotta get to school. Get off me.”

            Ellie grins, carefully climbing up from Dina, extending a hand out to help her. Dina takes it, and Ellie pulls her up to stand, and they both try to brush off any shavings that have stuck to them. Dina reaches out, gently twirling Ellie’s hair around her fingers, shavings falling free. Ellie now leans into the touch, Dina’s hand brushing a strand of hair behind her hair.

            “Don’t you have a bus to catch?” Ellie asks, one eyebrow raised.

            “Fuck, yes.” Dina’s eyes bulge out, her body instantly hyper-aware, and she rushes to the stable door, unlocking it from the outside. Ellie laughs at the scene unfolding in front of her, but she’s cut off when Dina twirls on her heels back to Ellie, kissing her for one last time. It’s a shy kiss, however, and she pulls away ever so slightly, a slow smile spreading across her face, and Ellie’s sure she has one to match. It’s a moment where they don’t need words because they’re just looking into each other’s eyes, and thinking how is this real? How did we get here? It’s almost like neither of them can quite believe they’ve got to this point, that they’ve really got each other, like they’re going to wake up and realise they dreamt up the last few weeks.

            Ellie rolls her eyes, breaking the moment, and lightly spinning Dina round to face the open barn doors by her shoulders. “Go.”

            Dina breaks out into a run, shouting as the bus pulls up down the drive, and Ellie shakes her head, grinning, until serenity settles back on the barn, and she’s alone with her thoughts. The conversation she’d just overheard plays like a broken cassette, over and over, in her mind, every word emphasised, every syllable stressed. The adrenaline that was coursing through her at the interruption had dwindled, and now anxiety was kicking in. She’s so deep in thought that she doesn’t notice Jesse slide up behind her, until his hands clamp down on her shoulders, and the rake she was holding is halfway across the stable.

            “Dude, what the fuck?” She breathes, face burning from the sound she just made.

            “I could ask you the same thing.” Jesse’s expression says everything, and Ellie’s face burns up even hotter in shame. “So you guys finally worked out whatever it was. Clearly.”

            Ellie rubs the snape of her neck, shrugging as she lets out a sheepish laugh. She picks up the fork again, and turns away from Jesse, knowing her eyes would betray her. She keeps her tone light. “Uh, we haven’t exactly… spoken about things-”

            “Too busy doing other things?” She hears the thud of Jesse leaning against the stable door, and she cringes instinctively at the impact. The shovel feels slick in her sweaty palms, and the straw she had on the fork falls through the tines as it slips through her fingers, Ellie grunting in frustration.

            “Oh, my- Give me that.” Jesse gently takes the fork from Ellie’s hands, and she steps aside, shrinking back to lean against the wall as he works. His words play over in her head, and she can feel a storm brewing. It wasn’t that they hadn’t talked, or that things were awkward, because things were great, but it was more the things that they weren’t talking about. Two people more than things; Cat and Soraya. Dina hadn’t seen much of Soraya since the party, and Ellie tried not to bring Cat up around Dina, but both of them know that it’s unsustainable, these are people inexplicably woven into their lives that can only go ignored for so long. They’ve been low-key about it too, Ellie’s not an idiot, she knows that this town isn’t exactly liberal, and she knows that Dina’s parents are crazy religious, so they’ve just been going on as normal around everyone else. Ellie doesn’t mind it, she’s not in any rush for people to start knowing her business, and it feels nice having Dina like this, something shared between the two of them.

            “Listen, about what you heard earlier,” Jesse starts, knocking Ellie out of her spiral, “don’t worry about it, okay?” the barrows full, and Ellie realises with a start that he’s finished the stall already. Wow, Dina was way more of a distraction than she’d realised.

            “I mean, it sounded pretty serious.” She bites her bottom lip, kneading it between her teeth in worry. She’s picking at her nails and fingers too, a habit she’s had from a child. Gabriel had mentioned Marlene, and although they hadn’t heard from Seth since the cattle drive incident, Ellie was just praying to any God who would listen that it had nothing to do with Shimmer. That he wasn’t trying to take her away from Ellie.

            “Nah, I got your back.” Jesse looks at her, holding out a fist. Ellie cocks her head, not understanding, but rolls her eyes, letting out a small laugh as she realises. She brings her fist up to his, and he bumps it gently with hers. What a sap, she thinks to herself, but it kinda warms her. He hands the fork to her as he wheels the full barrow out of the stable, and they travel round to the muck heap. Jesse stays with her for the rest of the morning, and she doesn’t question it, helping him with a few chores of his own. It’s getting colder in the days now, both of them in hoodies and jackets and thick boots, Ellie’s favourite flannels discarded in favour of layers. Gabriel comes out of the office at some point, stopping to chat to them both, but Ellie doesn’t bring up what she overheard. The guy looks stressed enough as it is. He ambles up into the house, and they aren’t too far behind when they race up to the house themselves, bustling in with the laughter and brightness that comes with a good morning. Both Ellie and Jesse make a break straight for the goods, with Ellie pouring two mugs of coffee and Jesse retrieving last night's leftovers from the fridge. They get to work on making turkey sandwiches, and it’s embarrassingly quick until they’re fighting over the meat and best slices of bread, and Ellie resorts to stuffing a shit ton of turkey in her mouth, which causes Jesse to grab her in a playful chokehold, both of them grinning and spluttering like fucking children.

            “I wonder every day why my brother hired you two.” The two of them swirl around, Ellie still trapped in Jesse’s hold, mouth still full and sheepish, until they see the source of the gruff voice. Ezra walks into the kitchen, helping himself to one half of Ellie’s sandwich, her audible protests ignored, and Jesse lets go of her, cackling. She huffs, but Jesse gives her his plate as he makes another for himself. 

            “Shut up and go sit down.” She doesn’t have to be told twice. Only when they sit down, does Ellie stop to listen to the house, and notice how quiet it is. This house is never quiet. 

“Where is everyone?” She asks, taking a sip of her coffee. It burns her tongue, and she curses, setting it down again as Jesse just stares at her, shaking his head.

“I think they’ve got some sort of lunch date.” Jesse quips, his back still turned as he butters another slice of bread. Ellie shrugs, taking a huge bite of her sandwich, groaning loudly as her taste buds thank her for gracing them with the heavenly taste of mayo, turkey and crusty as fuck bread. Ezra just looks up from his paper, sitting across from her at the table, wrinkling his nose in distaste and grumbling something in Hebrew.

“Hey, fuck you too, man.” She grins through a full mouthful, and he reaches across the table to steal a crust she’d left. She lets him have that one, crusts are foul. 

“How are classes going, Ells?” Jesse sits down, sucking a bit of butter from his finger, as he sits down in the chair next to Ellie. She swallows, she was trying not to think about it.

“They, uh, they actually start on Monday.” She grimaces, knowing it’s her last weekend of early nights and a full eight hours of sleep each night. “I’ve gotta go into town and pick up my textbooks.”

“Want some company?” He asks, taking a swig of coffee. Ellie raises her eyebrows, normally she’d say fuck yeah, but uh…

“Uh, I’m good, actually. I’m going this weekend.” She stares down at her plate, not quite meeting Jesse’s eyes as he tries to gauge what’s going on with her. He doesn’t get to though because Ezra just looks up from his coffee mug.

“She’s going with Dina. I heard her talking about it to her friends on the phone.”

It’s quiet for a moment, the air tense (for Ellie anyway), Ellie’s heart dropping through her stomach as she slowly lifts her head, her face screwed up, unsure of Jesse’s reaction. He just stares at her, his expression unreadable, until he barks out a sharp laugh, that turns into a full-throttled fit. Ezra just rolls his eyes, getting up to move to the living room away, muttering Hebrew mixed with the odd English word, leaving Ellie there, face red. Again.

“You are too much, man.”

~

            The winter sun on her face feels fucking incredible, and Ellie breathes in the November air, the bite of the cold stinging her throat. Her breath comes out in clouds, and Shimmer snorts beneath her, the condensation puffing out like a dragon’s smoke. They’ve come to a halt on the top of a field, a different route than their usual, she hasn’t been back near Seth’s since their encounter. They’re overlooking a clearing now, and Ellie can’t get over how fucking cool the mountains look like this, the sky peeking through them, whiter than anything she’s ever seen. It hasn’t started snowing quite yet, but Ellie can feel it coming. This place would be awesome to look at the stars over the lookout, and Ellie makes a mental note to remember the route, she’d kill to come out here. The ranch suddenly seems a lot smaller in comparison, and Ellie likes the feeling. It’s not that she’s having her panic attacks or nightmares again, because they never truly went away, but they had definitely subsided since the night of the bonfire, only to slip their way back into Ellie’s routine in the last week. It might be the classes, the fact that mentioning Joel out loud has brought back a shit ton of stuff she’s been purposefully not dealing with, or it might be the fact that she gets to kiss Dina every day, and she feels like it’s too good to be true. The thought of kissing Dina, the thought of Dina’s mouth on hers, her hands in Ellie’s hair, makes the red-head dizzy, her heart thrumming in her chest. Shimmer throws her head up, backing away from the land’s edge, and Ellie grins at the mare’s impatience. She reaches up to Shimmer’s head, stroking at her neck, patting the thick winter coat that’s grown through, cooing to the horse to calm her. It doesn’t work, the mare only snorting back at her, and Ellie rolls her eyes, kicking Shimmer on, a sudden wave of adrenaline coursing through her. Shimmer instantly perks up, jumping into a run with a high-pitched squeal, and they’re galloping through the field, home.

            When she gets back to the ranch, Shimmer’s gait a jog, Ellie’s smile widens as she sees the scene before her in the riding pen. Gabriel’s standing in the middle of the pen, barking orders at Dina, who is standing up in her stirrups, Japan pounding furiously around the pen at a speed which can only be described as lightning. Gabriel’s holding a long rope line, attached to Japan’s bridle, keeping Dina in a circle close to him, presumably so he can watch her technique. Ellie didn’t even realise Gabriel knew that much about competition riding, but she guesses that a ranch life does that automatically for you. Ellie turns Shimmer into the drive, her reins long, as Shimmer comes to stand next to Jesse, grazing at the grass as Jesse throws a nod of acknowledgment in Ellie's way.

            “Her show’s next weekend, right?” Ellie asks, swinging her body round to land with a thud on the ground, throwing her stirrups up on the saddle and loosening Shimmer’s girth band. The mare lets out a deep breath, and Ellie pats her neck, letting her reins drop to the floor. 

            “Yeah, she’s been pushing herself hard since her ankle healed.” Ellie hums, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth, as she watches Dina intently. Gabriel’s still shouting out exercises and drills, which Dina follows, and as she rides past the two of them, Ellie can see a sheen of sweat on her forehead, her dark brows knitted in concentration. 

            “Okay, are you ready to try it?” Gabriel asks, clasping his hands together.

            “Uh, I guess so.” Dina shouts back, her voice slightly wavering, but her posture instantly tenses, her shoulders stiff, and Ellie bites so hard on her lip that she draws blood.

            “She’s not gonna do it.” She whispers to herself, and Jesse shoots a glance her way, studying her expression, before he turns back to watch Dina with narrowed eyes. Dina kicks Japan on, and he thunders on as she takes a deep breath, taking her feet out of the stirrups as the gelding beneath her continues circling around Gabe. Ellie recognises the move, and her brain remembers the last time she saw Dina try to do this move, and she swears she feels her blood run cold. Dina slowly brings her right foot to hook into a loophole at the top of her saddle, and Ellie’s entire body stills, Jesse also gripping on a little too tight to the fence in front of him. Their breaths stop simultaneously as Dina swings her leg up in the air as if going into the drag, but instead she catapults herself from Japan, landing on her feet next to him, her face taught.

            “I can’t do it,” she’s shaking her head, and Gabriel brings Japan to a stop almost instantly. Dina’s doubled over, and Ellie can see her whole body expand and contract with deep lungsful of air, and she goes to climb over the fence, but Jesse’s hand on her shoulder and a sharp shake of his head stops her. Ellie huffs, turning back to the arena, concern etched on her freckled face. Gabriel sighs, pulling Japan towards him as he turns to his daughter.

            “You won’t be able to do it if you don’t at least try, Dina.”

            “I can’t, Dad. I’m never gonna get it and the show is fucking next week.” Dina shouts back, her hand balled into a fist, clutching at her sweat-soaked t-shirt. Ellie squints at the shirt, and realises it has a college logo. She didn’t even know Dina had applied.

            “You’re talented, and you’re my daughter, of course you will.” Dina’s just standing there, where she landed, her posture completely rigid, his words not even registering, and it sends Ellie over the edge. She jumps over the fence, leaving Jesse with Shimmer, and jogs over to Gabriel, taking the rope attached to Japan, shortening it in her hands. Gabe passes them over with a grateful breath, and Ellie looks away as he makes his way over to his daughter, placing both hands on her shoulder. She hears his low voice mutter something to her, planting a small kiss on Dina’s forehead, and it makes Ellie’s heart twist in her gut. It feels too private a moment between a father and daughter, and so she looks down to Japan next to her, holding out her hand, which he starts mouthing at, in search of food. 

            “Hey, buddy.” She whispers, and his breathing is deep as he licks her hand. “Gross.” She grins at him, wiping her hands on her jeans. “Hey, guys, I think he’s had enough.” 

            Dina and Gabe both look up at her, and Gabe nods, patting Dina on the back. “I think we’ve done enough today. We’ll try again tomorrow.” Dina nods and smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. Gabe backs up, making his way over to Jesse, and they talk in low tones as Dina reaches her hand out to take Japan from Ellie.

            “It’s okay, I got him.” Ellie moves the rope out of Dina’s reach, and the girl furrows her eyebrows, not understanding. “I gotta brush down Shimmer anyway. I’ll turn them out together.” 

            Dina nods, and they stand there for a moment, Ellie looking down at her feet as she waits for Dina to respond. A few seconds of silence passes, and Ellie’s head lifts up, her eyes immediately finding Dina’s dark ones already waiting for her. It’s not a sight Ellie wants to get accustomed to. “You’re gonna get it, you know. It’s gonna be okay.”

            Dina takes a tentative step towards her, and Ellie swallows, her eyes flitting to Jesse and Gabe, who are paying them no mind, deep in conversation at the edge of the arena. 

            “Honestly, I think I’m gonna need all the luck in the world.” Dina scoffs, her hand reaching out to stroke Japan behind the ears, her body turned towards the red head. Ellie just looks up at her through dark lashes, her head tilted as she takes in Dina’s side profile. Even with her baby hairs damp from sweat, and dust across her cheeks from her dismount, Ellie swears she isn’t real, that something this beautiful can’t just be standing in front of her. She’s staring now, and she knows it, but the way the gentle afternoon fits around Dina is breath-taking and she can’t rip her eyes away.

            “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” Dina’s head is cocked towards Ellie now, her expression shifting into something akin of amusement, rather than the downtrodden one it was just moments ago. Ellie rolls her eyes, scoffing, and she goes to dig her elbow into Dina’s side, but the other girl catches it, pulling Ellie closer to her in a swift movement. Fuck. Ellie’s stomach instantly flops into her fucking pants, and her breath hitches. A small smile tugs at the corner of the mouth of the girl standing in front of her, and with one quick look at the two men still distracted, she leans in and presses a quick, light kiss on Ellie’s lips. They break apart, and Ellie swears she sees stars in Dina’s eyes, both of them grinning goofily at each other. It’s sickening, and Ellie hates them both for it. (Except she doesn’t.)

            “C’mon, let’s go. I’ll get you pie after if you want.” Ellie’s eyes glint, as she clicks Japan to walk on with her Dina following beside her, their arms touching from their shoulders to their wrists.

~

            “I swear to fucking God, it was so embarrassing.” Ellie groans, recounting her exchange with Ezra from the day before, one hand on the steering wheel, the other changing gears as the truck groans down the dirt road. Dina chuckles lightly, her chin resting in her palm on the side of the open window, her expression thoughtful, something clearly playing on her mind.

            “You okay, babe?” Ellie asks, her eyes flitting to Dina, and then back onto the road as she turns onto the highway that leads into town. 

“Hm? Oh, yeah, I’m fine.” Dina turns her head, cheek now in her palm to look at Ellie, but the red-head’s eyes are still on the road. Ellie feels a hand smaller than her own ensnare hers, small fingers lacing through her long ones, and she feels a small squeeze of pressure. Smiling, she squeezes back gently, and she has to bite the inside of her cheek to stop herself from beaming at the darker haired girl sitting next to her. The radio’s playing softly in the background, and Ellie can feel Dina’s fingers from her other hand tracing the fern leaves etched onto her skin, leaving swirls of tingling and electricity in their wake. 

“You’ve never really told me about these. When’d you get them?” 

Ellie swallows, her hand instantly tightening in Dina’s. “Uh, Cat did them.” She coughs once, clearing her throat. “A couple years ago.”

“Oh.” Dina’s fingers come to a slow stop, but she doesn’t let go of Ellie’s hand. “Do they mean anything?”

“Yeah, they do.” Ellie’s knuckles are white on the steering wheel, her throat dry, and not because of their conversation. She hasn’t spoken about her past since the night of the cattle drive. Ellie knows she should expect people to ask questions about her tattoo, it’s a huge ink stain on her skin. Usually when people do, she can dodge it pretty easily. It’s different with Dina, and she’s feeling dizzy from the sudden whirlwind of emotions that course through her. Dina knows about Joel, she reminds herself, even if it’s just the small parts of the story she’s given up, and so she takes a quick glance at the girl beside her, her forest eyes met with brown.

“I think it was my fifteenth birthday. Joel got me a guitar, and that little moth was engraved on it.” Dina gently turns Ellie’s arm in her hands, her fingers once again tracing the ink wings along Ellie’s forearm. “And the ferns are, uh… It’s kinda stupid but Joel kinda gave me a second chance, you know?” The rest dies on Ellie’s tongue, the rest left unsaid.

Dina squeezes her hand, and Ellie lets out a shaky breath as she pulls onto the main street of the town. “Ferns signify life, right?”

Ellie nods, breathing easier. “New beginnings.”

They’re quiet for a while as Ellie manoeuvres Firefly into a parking space, her arm coming to rest on the headboard behind Dina’s neck after she changes the gear, her body swivelling to check through the rear window behind her. She can feel Dina’s eyes watching her, studying her face, the girl’s head turned towards her. She pretends she doesn’t notice.

“We’re here. Ready?”

They meet eyes, and Dina nods her head, so small against the headboard, and it messes up her hair, a few wisps escaping from their place behind her ear. Ellie reaches out without a thought, her hand coming to rest on the other girl’s cheek, tracing circles across her jaw with her thumb, and Dina leans into the touch, her eyelids heavy.

“Come on.” Ellie whispers, and Dina nods as Ellie grabs their bags from the backseat, handing one to Dina, whose hand lingers over Ellie’s a second longer than it should.

Ellie really hates them, except she really, really, fucking doesn’t.

~

            “That’ll be $112.48.” The cashier rings her up, and the sum total makes Ellie cringe inwardly, although she’s careful to remain impassive as she fishes out two hundred-dollar bills. She knows she’s comfortable right now, she might work long hours, but Gabriel pays well, even though he could pay her minimum wage due to her probation. It’s just the fear of having nothing and having to give away her means for something as trivial as books, a fear engrained deep into her. The older woman behind the counter hands over her textbooks in a patched canvas bag, and offers Ellie a warm smile, which Ellie struggles to return. It’s not that she doesn’t want to smile, it’s that her body feels like it’s crumbling the weight of what she’s doing, the idea of walking through the doors of that community college come Monday morning hitting her like a ton of bricks. Dina beams brightly at the woman to make up for Ellie’s lack of social awareness, and the woman gives Ellie an understanding look, and loops her arm through Ellie’s, guiding her out of the bookstore as Ellie numbly follows. The cold air hits her face, tickling the lobes of her ears and the end of her nose, and she takes a deep breath. Dina just huffs, but it’s affectionate, as she holds her hands out, clearing taking pity on Ellie.

            “Give me your books and turn round.” Dina instructs, and Ellie complies, brows knitting together, watching the other girl out of the corner of her eye as she unzips Ellie’s backpack, shoving the canvas bag inside, and zipping it back up after. “There. Pie?”

            Ellie nods, and they walk across the street to the local diner, The Tipsy Bison, where Ellie had been a million times with Jesse before. They do pretty good burgers, pies and coffees, and Ellie’s stomach rumbles loudly in anticipation. The smell of freshly ground coffee hits Ellie’s sense of smell as soon as the two girls step foot into the warm diner, wafting around her like a warm hug. Dina brings her hands up to her mouth, breathing hot air into them. She’d made the mistake of not bringing gloves and had refused to take Ellie’s when she’d offered them to the other girl. Ellie doesn’t take her hand, though, because they haven’t done that yet, or even talked about that yet and that’s fucking scary. Ellie isn’t even sure of what they are, what they’re doing, and she isn’t about to find out an answer that isn’t the one she wants. They haven’t even been on a proper date yet.

            “Hey.” Dina says, snapping Ellie out of her spiral. “I’m proud of you.”

            Ellie struggles to force her lips together in a hard smile, but does anyway, accepting the statement for what it is. The smile Dina gives her in return is fucking worth it, her eyes crinkled, her dimples prominent. Ellie feels the air leave her lungs, and Dina takes it with her as she saunters up to the counter, and Ellie follows her, an invisible string attaching the two of them together, inexplicably pulling Ellie towards wherever Dina goes. 

            “Hi, Dina sugar, what can I get you?” The woman behind the counter smiles warmly at Dina, her name tag reading Emily, and they start making conversation about how the woman’s kids have been, how her husband is, and Dina starts telling her about all the new horses they have at the ranch. Honestly, Ellie kinda zones out. Small talk has never really been her strong suit, and instead she takes up the task of mapping out every small freckle and mole on Dina’s face, making stars out of them as the girl talks with more animation than Ellie could ever dream of possessing. At some point she thinks she hears Dina order for them, and she’s proven right when the woman behind the counter disappears into the kitchen to shout out their order, and Dina angles her head to catch eyes with Ellie.

            “You’re not very good at the whole being subtle thing, you know that, right?” Dina’s eyes are twinkling, almost smug, and Ellie just casts her eyes downward, muttering a meek sorry. Dina nudges her with her shoulder, and when Ellie doesn’t look up, she scoffs, but it’s a light sound. Ellie’s leaning against the counter, and Dina brings her head gently to rest on the other girl’s shoulder, the air around her suddenly going quiet. Ellie lowers her head to rest on the top of Dina’s head, and she presses a small kiss into Dina’s hair, breathing in the smell of her apple shampoo. Dina hums in appreciation, her eyes fluttering shut, before she remembers where they are, and straightens up as the woman comes back. Ellie’s paying for their food when a voice interrupts them, dashing any hopes they’d had of having the afternoon together.

            “Yo, Dina!” Anthony’s bellow elicits murmurs from disgruntled diners, and Ellie’s head whips over to the booth by the window, where Dina’s friends are all sitting. He gives an embarrassed smile at his disruption but waves them over. Dina lowers her voice as they make their way over to the window, whispering in a hushed tone to Ellie.

            “Fuck. I forgot they were gonna be here.” Ellie raises an eyebrow.

            “You knew they were gonna be here?”

            “Yeah, we were both invited, but I told them we had family plans.”

Ellie sniggers, because damn Dina was fucking cold when she wanted to be. Judging by their faces, though, they were finding the whole situation fucking hilarious. Ellie realises there is a very real possibility that they bore witness to the moment just between the two girls, and Ellie’s stomach does a fucking flop as she spots Soraya, because judging by her expression, if not everyone, she definitely saw it. She flashes her a weak smile, and Dina holds up her hand in a small wave when they reach the table, her face the most sheepish she’s ever seen it. “Hey, guys.”

“Family, was it?” James teases from the other side of the table. Dina scoffs in response, and goes to slide into the booth beside Anna, but is stopped by the girl in question.

“Nope, I’m dying to pee, let me out, will you?” Dina falters, and Anna clambers out of the booth, glossy dark locks bouncing as she makes her way to the light up Cowgirls! sign. Ellie shoves Anthony over to make room for her, scooting in next to him as Dina stays standing. Ellie looks at her, head cocked in confusion at the other girl, until she realises the cause of Dina’s hesitation. Anna had been sitting next to Soraya, who is looking extremely awkward as she fidgets with the buttons on her denim dress. 

“You okay, Di?” Ellie asks, snapping out of whatever trance Dina was seemingly in, and her head whips up, eyes boring straight into Ellie’s.

“Yeah, yeah, sorry, I just, uh, zoned out for a second there. All good.” Ellie’s eyebrows are in her hairline, she’s never seen Dina stutter since she’s known her, and an uneasy silence takes over the group as Dina slides in next to Soraya, both of them sending small, flitting smiles in the other’s direction, not quite meeting eye contact. The chatter starts back up again slowly, and it’s not long before a waitress brings out the group's food, with Ellie and Dina’s pies just minutes after the rest of them. Ellie knows they’re a tight-knit group, and so there’s no way the weird atmosphere between Dina and Soraya has gone unnoticed, but as Ellie dives into her pie, joking around with the guys, she sees Dina and Soraya talking. They talk in low tones as Anna slides onto the end of the booth, chatting happily along with Ellie, and as she looks down at her last mouthful of pie, out of the corner of her eye, Ellie sees them hugging in the corner of the booth, exchanging awkward, but relieved, smiles. Thank fuck for that. 

The rest of the afternoon goes by in a blur, they sit there and chat for a couple hours with Dina’s friends, Ellie even ends up ordering another slice of pie and sharing it with Anna opposite from her. It’s a struggle to eat it though because she swears Dina’s eyes follow her every move, every bite, and there’s something in her eyes that makes Ellie’s appetite dissipate pretty quickly. She’s on her like, shit, third coffee when the group finally decide to pack it in, and Ellie’s buzzed from all the caffeine, but it’s that weird state between buzzed and fucking exhausted from the crash, and all she wants is to bury her face in Dina’s neck and breathe her in. It’s getting dark outside, she hasn’t even checked the time, but she knows it must be early evening by the dusky hue of the sky. As soon as they’ve said their goodbyes, and are out of sight of the others, Dina slots her fingers through Ellie’s, gripping the other girl’s hand tight in hers. Ellie pretends it doesn’t make her heart flutter like there’s a hundred stupid butterflies going batshit in there.

“I know what you’re going to say, but don’t.” Dina mumbles under her breath, and Ellie can’t help but laugh at the small girl’s demeanour, she looks like a small puppy with her tail between her legs, and it’s fucking adorable. “I still hate her for dancing with you.”

Ellie barks out a laugh at that, a cloud of condensation swirling around her from it. “You don’t hate her, she’s your best friend.” They’re nearing Firefly now, and Ellie goes to fish for her keys in her back pocket, but instead, the air is taken out of her lungs for the second time that day as Dina pushes her up against the side of her truck. She jerks her right knee between Ellie’s legs, and both of her hands are entwined with Ellie’s, their bodies pressed together.

“Should I hate you instead then?” she breathes, her nose brushing against Ellie’s. Ellie’s a good deal taller than the other girl, but she feels fucking weak at the knees, in Dina’s thrall. The smaller girl is leaning against Ellie now, and she’s tilting her head so theirs slot perfectly against each other, their foreheads together, her lips ghosting over Ellie’s.

“I wanted to kiss you so bad today.” Dina’s eyes flit down to Ellie’s lips.

“You should’ve.”

There’s a moment of hesitation, they’re out in the open in an albeit empty parking lot, against Ellie’s car, and it hangs in the air. Ellie can feel Dina’s breath fan over her face, and it’s sweet from the sugared fruit, and warm from the coffee, and it makes Ellie dizzy as Dina’s top lip sweeps across hers. She wants to let go of Dina’s hands and run hers all over the dark-haired girl, through her hair, down her waist, her thighs, but Dina yanks Ellie towards her, and their lips crash together. Their breaths mingle as Ellie lets Dina part her lips, her tongue slipping into Ellie’s mouth, and she takes it willingly. Dina finally let’s go of her hands, and they shoot instantly into Ellie’s hair, entangling them with the half that isn’t tied up, while Ellie’s snake around Dina’s waist, pulling the girl even closer onto her. Their bodies are pressed together, and Ellie can feel fire in every spot of her skin that touches Dina, she’s fucking burning up, the feel of Dina under her hands, the taste of Dina on her mouth. She lets out a light moan into the kiss as Dina runs her hands through the hair on the nape of her neck, and her own hands start to roam down the groove of Dina’s back, down to the waistband of her jeans. The other girl is quick to grab her hands and scrape them back up her body onto the small of her back, which makes Ellie chuckle against Dina’s mouth. Dina smiles into the kiss, and Ellie’s only grows wider, catching her lips into another light kiss. When they break away, their foreheads resting together, they’re both breathing heavily. 

“This can’t be real.” Ellie whispers, and it breaks the silence of the lot.

“I know what you mean.” Dina whispers back, her thumbs sweeping over Ellie’s jaw, holding her so carefully, her lips pressing another small kiss onto Ellie’s. She pushes herself off from the taller girl with a laugh and walks around the front of the truck to jump into the passenger seat, leaving Ellie standing there while her body groans with the loss of heat. She follows suit, jumping up into the driver’s seat, arching her back to grab the keys she’d never managed to retrieve from her back pocket, and jamming them into the ignition.

They’re about halfway home when Dina decides she wants some music on.

“Check the glove box, I’ve got a shit ton of CD’s in there.” Ellie tells her, winding down the window a little to feel the bite of the evening air. It’s even darker now, and without the lights of the town, the stars are starting to come through in the night sky. Dina leans forward, opening the compartment, and reaching in to rummage around it. Ellie keeps her eyes on the road, with the odd glance to Dina, who’s piling Ellie’s mixtapes on her lap, studying them, or rather the intricate designs and patterns sketched onto the plastic cases.

“Did you do these?” Dina asks, turning a particular CD in her hands, one she’d made for Joel for his birthday when she was like, sixteen. It was adorned in fern and palm leaves, Ellie remembers vividly how difficult they’d been to sketch at the time, along with owl’s perching on the leaves, and the track list. Even with the years on them, the covers colours hadn’t faded, and the different hues of forest greens, woodland browns, deep golds still visible, the hours that had gone into agonizing over a colour scheme clearly worth the aggravation.

“Uh, yeah.” Ellie clears her throat, keeping her eyes on the road. “I used to draw a lot, back in Seattle. I had a shit ton of journals and art books.” She hasn’t had time to even think about drawing lately, and it makes her feel kinda shitty. She used to make Joel sit still for hours so she could get better at drawing faces, at shading, or she’d sketch every one of his wooden sculptures, following him round the shop, getting under her feet. He’d always swat her away, but she knew he loved having her around. She’s pretty sure she’s got a sketch of his guitar laying around somewhere too. 

“Do you still have them?” Dina asks, her voice cautious.

“Yeah, I do,” Ellie’s voice comes out a little raspy, and her grip on the gear stick is tight as she changes gear to speed down the country road. “They’re, uh, in the loft, actually.”

“How come I’ve never seen them?” Dina hides it well, but one look at her, and Ellie can see the hurt flickering in the backs of her eyes. She wants to groan, and bang her head against something, anything, because she knows she’s bad at this. At talking, at opening up. Ellie doesn’t tell anyone shit, it’s a habit deeply entrenched into her DNA, and it’s gotten to the point where she doesn’t even think about sharing parts like that about herself. She knows it’s something she needs to work on, but she doesn’t like the feeling of… well, feeling vulnerable. 

“Honestly? I haven’t even looked at them myself lately.” Ellie says, and it’s not far from the truth. She’s had a peek once or twice, in the middle of the night when she’s been ripped out of her sleep by nightmares, but she was never able to add to them in those moments, and it made her even more distressed. So, she shoved them in the bottom drawer of her dresser one night after a particularly awful night terror and hasn’t given them a second look since.

“I’d like to see them some time.” Dina mumbles after a while, so quiet that Ellie could pretend she never heard, and Dina would never really know, but she doesn’t want that. She doesn’t want to keep hiding herself from the girl sitting next to her.

“I’d like that too.” She meets Dina’s eyes, and she finds something in them, something that feels bigger than her, and she has to tear her eyes away again, fixing them back on the road. Dina reaches into the glove box again, and they’re in a quiet rhythm as Dina decides on a CD, opening it to retrieve the disc, when a squeal makes Ellie jump out of her fucking skin.

“What the fuck was that?” Ellie breathes, her heart hammering in her chest. She looks over to Dina, who is staring at something in her hands, laughing like a child who’s stumbled upon a mountain of their favourite candy. “What?”

Dina turns to her and holds up a pre-rolled joint in Ellie’s eyeline, and Ellie can feel her eyes widen as she realises what it is. “Holy shit, I didn’t even know I had that in there.”

The darker haired girl continues rummaging in the glove box and makes a grunt when she apparently finds what she had been looking for; a black lighter, the face of a dinosaur with weed leaves for eyes printed on it. Ellie sniggers at it, she’d picked it up when her and Cat had taken a road trip to Nevada, stopping in a town overnight to stay there. It was Ellie’s birthday, and she hadn’t been on good terms with Joel for a while at that point, so her and Cat had planned a whole trip, but had forgotten the key essential; pot. Luckily, the shitty motel they were staying at had plenty of dealers, it basically came with the territory. They’d scored too, even if they had been ridiculously ripped off, and the lighter had been thrown in with it. Ellie’s twenty next spring, and it’s proven to be a solid companion for the last two years.

“What are you doing with that?” Ellie grins, trying to balance her focus on both the road and the girl next to her, who was looking way too pleased with herself.

“We’re smoking this.” Dina tells her, and Ellie falters.

“I-” she starts.

“Have a day off tomorrow? It’s a Friday night, you don’t really have an excuse.”

Ellie rolls her eyes, because she knows she doesn’t have a good enough comeback for that, and Dina knows it too, because her smile is growing wider by the second. Sunday’s were her day off, and even though she’d wanted to get up early to prepare herself for her first day of night classes on Monday, the look Dina is shooting her way right now is way too hard to resist.

“Fuck it,” she grins, swerving the car into a three-point turn, going back on herself. 

“What are you doing?” Dina laughs, disbelief clear in her voice. 

“If we’re going to smoke it, we’re gonna go somewhere fucking cool to do it.”

They’re looking over the hilltop that Ellie had been not even twelve hours earlier that day, and she was right, it looks fucking incredible at night. The stars look like diamonds in the sky, and they make the dew resting on everything around them fucking shine under their light. Poetic as shit, but Ellie can’t think of how you could look at this view and not be blown away. They’re sitting in the bed of her truck, looking out onto the mountains, on the top of a ratty old blanket, as Ellie lights up the joint, inhaling a thick cloud of heavy smoke, and exhaling it.

“This is fucking beautiful.” Dina marvels, leaning against the back of the truck, her backpack as a pillow. Ellie takes another inhale, passing the joint to Dina as she gets comfy against the other girl, blowing out the smoke. The temperatures dropped a shit ton now, and they’re huddled up against each other to keep warm. Dina takes a deep hit, instantly coughing and spluttering as she hacks it out, and it sends Ellie into a fit of laughs. She’s rewarded with a punch to the arm.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the art, or the guitar.” Ellie mumbles, and it comes out of nowhere, taking them both by surprise. Ellie figures the weed’s probably hitting her, but she goes with it. She’s not about to have a paranoia trip.

“It’s okay.” Dina whispers, passing the joint back to Ellie, who takes another deep hit from it. “I get you’ve got a lot of shit. I just…” she falters. Ellie turns to look at her, blowing the smoke out from the side of her mouth, away from Dina’s face. “If you did ever wanna talk about it, you know I’ll listen, right?”

“I know.” Ellie smiles, and she does. It doesn’t make it any easier to open up, or any less terrifying or uncomfortable, but it makes it an option. Even Dina just saying that aloud, the words out there in the open, is more than Ellie could ever have asked for. They finish the joint in a companionable silence, Dina taking Ellie’s phone and putting on a random song in the background, the words and melodies mixed with a smoky haze washing over them both.

“ Will you be ready for me?

When I'm ready for you?

In that moment, we'll be,

If our timing is true.”

Ellie finishes the last of the joint, stubbing it out on the side of her truck, throwing it back up onto the roof of Firefly. She shuffles forward to lay down in the truck, grabbing her backpack to use as a pillow, and Dina reacts to her movement instantly, scooting over to cross her legs next to Ellie. She takes the red-head’s backpack from her hands, putting it behind her own back to lean against, and Ellie brings her head to rest down on Dina’s lap, her face turned out towards the view. 

“And will you answer my call?

When I'm calling for you?

Oh, you'll be just down the hall,

If our timing is true.”

Dina’s fingers are gently running through Ellie’s hair, tucking, and untucking strands behind her ears, only to twirl them around in her thumbs, smooth them down and repeat the process. Ellie makes a hum, and it’s the most content she’s felt in a long time, the song’s gentle piano and guitar sounds wrapping around them, almost weaving its way between them both. Ellie shifts and turns her upper body around, so that she’s looking directly up at Dina.

            “Joel hated me when we first met.”

            Dina’s visibly caught off guard, if the sound that escapes her throat is any indication to go by, and it makes Ellie grin. “Okay…”

            “Isaac made us all get weekend jobs the second we turned fourteen, and I got a job at Joel’s shop.” Ellie chuckles at the memory, pinching her nose, the weed making her brain fuzzy, and the memory probably a million times funnier than it really was. “Tommy, Joel’s brother was the one that hired me, back when they were partners and, oh boy, when Joel first met me, he couldn’t stand me.”

            Dina laughs at that, her left hand resuming its role of playing with Ellie’s auburn hair. “You mean to tell me your attitude problem isn’t a new thing?”

            Ellie squeezes her thigh, protesting, before she presses a kiss into the denim of her jeans. “Believe it or not, I haven’t always been the ray of fucking sunshine that I am now.”

            Dina rolls her eyes at that, an affectionate smirk worn on her face, and Ellie continues. “I had, uh, some anger issues I needed to sort through, and a vast knowledge of curses for a fourteen-year-old.” Ellie grins at the memory, closing her eyes, and it’s like she’s watching the memories on a screen. 

“I don’t know why you hired this girl, little brother. She’s got the mouth of a fuckin’ sailor.”

“Maybe, but she’s got spirit, and this place needs a bit of that.”

“No, Tommy, what it needs is hard workers, not care home kids.”

“Stop talking about me like I’m not fuckin’ here, asshole!”

“Jesus,” Dina giggles, the back of her head leant against the truck. “I thought I was bad.”

Ellie laughs at that. “I can imagine you, a force of nature.”

“Yeah, compared to Talia, I was the spawn of the devil.” Dina laughs, but Ellie looks at her, bewildered. “Talia?”

“Fuck.” Dina’s demeanour instantly shifts, snatching her hands back from Ellie’s hair, and her body tensing up. Ellie’s up instantly, her palms resting on either side of Dina’s crossed legs, holding them eye level. “I didn’t mean to… ignore I said that. Shit.”

“What? Who’s Talia?” Ellie shakes her head slowly, her brows furrowed. She’s fucking confused, until it registers.

“Your sister.”

Her mind goes back to that night Gabe had made Dina drag Ellie to a party, and that moment in her truck. They’d been through so much since then, and Dina hadn’t ever brought it up again, that Ellie had almost forgotten about it. Guilt must be seeping its way visibly onto her face, because Dina’s eyes are huge, and they’re so dark, and Ellie feels like an asshole.

“Dina, I’m so sorry, I completely-” Dina cuts her off.

“It’s okay. It’s probably about time I told you.” She opens her legs, her knees in the air, making room for Ellie to crawl between them, and nestle herself into Dina’s arms, her cheek pressed into the girl’s chest. It’s weird, and it shouldn’t work considering how much taller and lankier Ellie is than the girl beneath her, but they still fit. Dina takes a deep breath.

“She’s, was, older than me. She was the star of the family, always dragging me to synagogue every week.” She absentmindedly slides her hands under Ellie’s denim jacket, and Ellie tries not to hiss at her cold fingers against the thin material of her hoodie underneath. 

“She got top grades in her classes, and was dating the most popular guy at school, who also happened to be Jewish, which my parents fucking loved.” Ellie thinks she hears a trace of bitterness in Dina’s voice, but she doesn’t comment on it. “She was going to do such great things, and even though she drove me crazy, and we fought for years, she was still my sister. I worshipped her.” Ellie buries her face further into Dina, pressing soft kiss into Dina’s jacket, where her ribs are, and the girl continues with a shaky breath.

“She was the first one I came out to, right before she left for college.” Dina whispers, her hands wrapping tighter around Ellie, her grip solid, almost as if she’s scared of losing the memory, of losing herself. “And she hugged me the tightest I’ve ever been hugged in my life.” Ellie can hear Dina’s heartbeat pummelling against her ribcage. “She, uh, never made it through her first year of college.”

Ellie looks up at Dina, and her eyes are pricking with tears. “Hey, I got you, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” She brings a hand up to cup Dina’s cheek, and Dina smiles at her, but it’s sad, as she leans into the touch.

“She called me one, with a really bad hangover. She’d been out drinking with her friends; she’d never really done that before. I told her to sleep it off, told her it was normal.” Dina sniffs, closing her eyes, a tear escaping, cascading down her cheek. “A few days later she was in hospital, with fucking bacterial meningitis. She passed away a few days later.”

Dina’s words settle in the air for a few moments, but it’s not long before Dina lets out a sob, and Ellie’s sitting up, pulling Dina close to her, cradling her in her arms this time. She’s never had to do this with anyone else before, so she just tries to remember the way Dina holds her in the middle of the night when she can’t breathe, and do that for Dina, her head resting atop the smaller girl’s, her voice whispering words of comfort.

“It was my fault, Ellie. I should have told her to get checked out, I should have told our parents, I should have done anything other than what I did. It’s my fault.”

“Hey.” Ellie clutches tight onto Dina, guiding the girl back to look at her, cocking her head to meet Dina’s eyes when she doesn’t look up at Ellie. “It is not your fault, you hear me? There’s no way you would have known.” She’s holding Dina’s face so tenderly in her hands, so scared that the girl might break with any sort of pressure as her thumbs wipe away more tears that threaten to spill from those dark eyes. “It is not your fault.”

“But they got stuck with me, the shitty disappointment.”

“What?” Ellie can’t believe what she’s hearing, she doesn’t even know where it’s coming from, and she realises it’s probably the weed mixed with the sugar and caffeine having this effect, making Dina spill her guts out, giving light to her darkest thoughts. The idea that Dina walks around, with this view of herself in her head, while putting on a brave face, makes Ellie want to fucking start bawling. It hurts, because she knows that feeling all too well, she knows the pain of loss, that debilitating pang of guilt. Dina’s words come back to her; lost people have a funny way of finding each other.

“Joel lost his daughter, too.” Dina nods, confused, Ellie’s told her this already. “And that was why he hated me because he didn’t want another daughter. He didn’t want to open himself up to anyone else.” Dina sniffs, and Ellie lets out a small sigh.

“If you keep hating yourself, and beating yourself up over this, you’re never going to see how much your parents love you, and how much you deserve their love.” Ellie feels her throat close up, but she swallows through it. “You’re not a disappointment, and you have to believe me, I’ve been a disappointment my whole life.” 

Dina chuckles at that, pressing her lips into Ellie’s palm against her cheek, her hand coming up to grip at the red-head’s bony wrist.

“Okay? You’re fucking amazing, to your mom, to your dad, to Jesse, your friends, me, Japan. C’mon, that little guy loves you.” Ellie smiles, and it’s soft, softer than she’s smiled in a long fucking time. “And if you give up, or talk yourself down, you’re never going to learn that fucking trick.”

Dina laughs now, the sound fucking musical in the silent clearing. “Talia would be so proud of you, Dina.” She echoes her words back to her, and it hits something in her chest.

Dina pulls her head back, Ellie’s hands coming limp by her side, as she wipes her eyes roughly. “I’m sorry, I don’t know where that came from.”

“Seems like you needed to get it off your chest.” Ellie quips, and Dina just looks at her, as she wipes her cheeks. They both have secrets, they both have a past, and Ellie doesn’t know why, but she finds it wild. Dina is so strong, and Ellie is in awe of the girl sitting in front of her, puffy eyes, snotty nose, and the rest. Ellie’s head is a lot clearer now, the weed wearing off, exhaustion kicking in. It’s been a fucking long day.

“Hey, let’s go home.”

~

It’s pitch black, and eerily quiet when they get back to the ranch, Ellie’s hood lights illuminating outlines of horses in the paddocks, their quiet muffling the only noise audible, mixed with a few other animal noises that Ellie does not want to stick around to find the sources of. She pulls up into the drive, turning the engine off gently, and both girls climb out of the car, pulling their bags out from the truck bed.

“C’mon, I’ll walk you up.” Ellie says, nodding her head in the direction of the house. Dina falters, though, and Ellie stops mid-step, tilting her head at Dina, raising one sharp eyebrow.

“Is it okay if, uh, I stay with you tonight?”

Oh.

Ellie doesn’t know why that feels the way it does, why it feels like a switch has just been pulled on her veins, electrifying them. They’ve slept in the same bed a bunch of times before, after movie nights, after parties, but they haven’t slept in the same bed since the night of the cattle drive, the night they kissed. That was for practical reasons, there were only so many tents to go around, but this feels different. This feels... Ellie doesn’t even have words for how this feels.

“Sure.” She nods, her voice coming out weak, and they walk silently beside each other, straight through the barn and up to the loft. It’s too late at this point to go and brush their teeth in the house, Ellie guesses Dina’s still pretty stoned, and the last thing she wants to do is wake Gabe and Anita up, and have to explain to the devout religious couple why she’s bringing their teenage daughter back at one in the morning, stoned out of her mind. They get up to the loft, and instantly start stripping down, removing their outer layers and shoes, and Ellie pads over to her dresser, bringing out two large shirts, and a pair of shorts for Dina.

“No shorts for you?” Dina asks, one eyebrow raised.

“I wear boxers anyway.” Ellie shrugs, pulling her hoodie over her head and chucking it on the floor, to pull on the large black t-shirt she’d gotten to replace it. It was a joke present Tommy’s wife had bought Joel, who was infamous for his coffee addiction, and it read More Espresso, Less Despresso! Joel had hated it, which meant that Ellie instantly fucking adored it. It was one of his possessions that Ellie had fought for after the funeral. Dina’s eyebrows are now in her hairline, but she doesn’t question it. Instead, she takes the clothes Ellie hands to her, and pulls on the large navy shirt, that has illustrations of all the planets. That one was from when Joel had taken her to the Space Needle in Seattle on their first big day out together. It was awesome. 

“You’re secretly a huge fuckin’ nerd, Ellie Williams.” Dina grins, and Ellie flips her off in response, a criminal smile strapped across her face. The two girls climb into Ellie’s small bed, diving under the duvet, shielding themselves from the bitter outside air. Ellie hisses at the cold comforter wrapping around her bare legs, and instantly reaches for Dina to bring her closer to her, snaking her arms around her waist as the smaller girl shuffles in, her legs tangling with Ellie’s. If Ellie had any doubts about this, or any worries that it wasn’t going to be what she’d thought, they weren’t present. They fit perfectly, Dina slotting into Ellie’s arms like she was made for them, and Ellie welcomed her, like she’d been waiting her entire life for the girl. Granted, the last few months had felt like a lifetime, but if you’d have asked her three months ago about the boss’ spoiled brat of a daughter, she wouldn’t have imagined anything even close to this. Ellie breathes in that familiar smell, the chamomile of Dina’s detergent on her clothes, and the tart smell of apple from her shampoo, now on Ellie’s sheets. Dina fidgets again, her head coming to rest directly under Ellie’s chin, and the red head can feel her nestling her face into Ellie’s chest, taking deep breaths. Ellie wonders what she smells like to the other girl, and she can only pray it’s not Eau De horse shit. 

“Thank you.” 

It’s so quiet, but it echoes throughout the tiny room. Ellie’s left arm is still ensnared around Dina’s body, but her right is strewn across Dina’s shoulder, her arm bent, her long fingers in Dina’s hair, brushing through unruly dark curls. 

“Ditto.”

It’s quiet for a long time after that, the only sounds are their heavy breathing, the crinkling of the bedsheets from the rising and falling of their chests. Ellie’s drifting off, her eyes closed, when Dina speaks up again, jolting her back into the land of the living.

“I fucked up today.”

Ellie instantly knows what she’s referring to, the ordeal this morning seeming like a lifetime ago. And she gets it, too, because she couldn’t pick up a guitar, or a pencil, for months after Joel’s death. She thought she never would again. 

“I think you’re scared.”

“No shit, Sherlock. I sprained my fucking ankle.”

Ellie chuckles silently, her body vibrating as she buries her nose into the top of Dina’s head, the soft curls scratching at her face. “No, you asshole.”

She’s scared of trying, of letting everyone down, of being a disappointment, and Ellie knows nothing she can say will take that fear away instantly, because that’s something Dina’s been carrying around with her every day for god knows how long. She’s never been good with words, but she tries, in the only way she knows how.

“You know, even if you don’t become a big, famous Olympic medal winning trick rider, you’ll still be a daughter, you’ll still be Dina, and that’s pretty fucking awesome too.”

She can feel the girl smile against her chest through her worn shirt, and Dina clenches her fists into the shirt, burying her face into the girl’s chest with such force that Ellie’s surprised she can even breathe. She almost doesn’t hear it, the sound muffled.

“Will you help me train next week?”

Ellie grins. “I don’t know the first thing about trick riding.”

Dina peeks up at her, the redness in her eyes subsiding. “You don’t have to.”

Ellie just stares at Dina, studying her face, analysing her expression, trying to find something in them, anything, but she’s taken aback. Dina’s eyes are wide, the lines in her forehead prominent, and Ellie’s heart restricts at the vulnerability in the girl’s expression. Ellie can tell this is hard for her, that asking for help is something neither of them are good at, but this is Dina trying. So, she nods.

 “Yeah, I’ll help you.”

“Can you teach me how to handle weed better too?” Ellie lets out a bark of laughter at that, her head thrown back into the pillow, the moment over. 

“Rome wasn’t built in a day.” 

It earns her a poke in her stomach, and she grins as they settle back down, limbs intertwined, Dina tucked underneath the taller girl. Ellie swears, and this time she fucking means it; it’s the deepest sleep she's had in a long fucking time.

“We will be one and not two, darling,

If our timing is true.”

Chapter Text

"we fell, i promise."

- @mikanropp on twitter / redbubble

Ellie takes a deep breath and turns the key in the ignition. The truck’s engine quiets, and she’s left in a silent space, the only light coming from the big JACKSON COUNTY COMMUNITY COLLEGE letters lit up on the preface of the building. Ellie sits there for a few minutes, the sound of her deep breaths and the bitter evening wind clashing, and it does little to quell her anxious mind. Sighing, she grabs her backpack and books, and swings herself out of the truck, locking it as she makes her way across the parking lot, pulling her thin denim jacket closer around her. The doors slide open for her as she nears them, and Ellie’s body instantly relaxes as she’s hit with the warmth of the building, rubbing her hands together. She’s fucking exhausted , today had been a long fucking day and she’d barely gotten a moment to herself, and the warmth seeps into her joints, dragging her down. She could use a fucking nap and some actual food, as hungry as she was after the tough day, she’d been too nervous to eat anything so she’d skipped dinner, unable to sit still with her whole body radiating nervous waves of energy. Anita had packed it in a Tupperware for Ellie to eat when she got home, and Ellie’s stomach rumbles at the thought of it. 

         “Hey, you’re here for Veterinary studies too, right?” A voice comes from her right side, and Ellie looks up, greeted with a warm smile and a wide pair of eyes.

         “Uh, yeah.” Ellie smiles at her, trying to place where she’s seen her before, until she realises. “How’d you-?”

         “You walked out of Iris’ class a couple weeks ago, right? She’s the only one that teaches this course here.” The girl clarifies, and Ellie offers her a shy smile. “I’m Nora, by the way.”

         “Ellie.”

         “Nice to meet you. This your first class?”

         Ellie nods, and she’s sure her nerves are showing, because Nora gives her a light laugh, and gestures to a group of people milling down the hall. “Come meet everyone.”

         They walk down the hall, and eyes flick up to greet them. Ellie instantly shifts, she still hasn’t gotten used to how friendly people seem to be here, and how someone looking at you isn’t a challenge, but more an invitation.

         “This is Ellie.” Nora gestures to Ellie, who gives a small wave and an awkward smile. She’s not great at this. “Ellie, this is everyone.”

         They all introduce themselves, and Ellie finds her brain racing trying to remember everyone's names. Sam is the smaller guy, probably her age, with dark skin, a huge smile and a bright pair of sneakers, and Ellie likes him instantly when he greets her with fucking finger guns. Henry is next to him, with kind eyes and a shadow over his jaw, but he shakes her hand with a firm grip, and Ellie finds herself grinning, easing into an easy energy. She guesses they’re brothers from the way their eyes crinkle in the same places, and the way Henry grabs Sam into a headlock, teasing him, as Nora shouts at them to cut it out. 

         “Ignore them, they’re kinda assholes.” Nora’s face is bright, and Ellie’s eyebrow is arched as she lets out a light laugh. A hand stretches out to hers, and Ellie takes it, looking up at the person it belongs to. It’s a girl, with cropped dirty-blonde hair, and big eyes behind even bigger glasses. She introduces herself as Cassie, and Ellie’s taken aback, she’s younger than the rest of them, and it makes Ellie wonder what she’s doing at a community college.

         “My parents move around a lot, so I enrol wherever has a space.” The girl prompts, and Ellie’s face burns in shame as she realises her question must have been written all over her expression. She puts her hands up, her expression amused.

         “Hey, no judgement here, I never even finished high school.”

The hallway around them is slightly busier now, with more people joining their group that Ellie can’t remember all the names of, and they all start to pile into the classroom. Ellie follows behind Nora, clutching the strap of her backpack on her shoulder, shoving her other hand in her pocket to stop it from shaking. She can’t remember the last time she was in a classroom that she didn’t get kicked out of, let alone one she walked into willingly.

         “Nervous?” Nora asks, shooting Ellie a sympathetic smile. 

         “Kinda.” 

         “It’ll be fine, you haven’t even missed that much.”

Ellie knows she’s lying through her fucking teeth, but she doesn’t call Nora out on it as they take their seats in the middle of the lecture hall. Students trickle in behind her, and Ellie finds herself people watching for a while, some of these guys are fucking old, and she finds herself squirming with a pang of guilt as she catches herself feeling better about the fact that she’s almost twenty without a high school diploma. She’s been trying though, Sunday afternoon had been spent taking notes and revising Vet 101 with Dina, who had also been studying for her finals. (Although, by the end of it, it wasn’t the textbook Ellie’s hands were roaming over.) Someone clears their throat, and Ellie sits up straight, hitting her knee against the seat in front of her, causing the person to turn round and fix her with a sharp glare. Miles and Henry are sniggering at her, while Nora offers her a small, amused smile. 

         “Sorry.” Ellie mutters, face burning, as she realises, they just witnessed her daydream about Dina’s- just Dina. It just sends the boys into a new wave of laughter, and Ellie isn’t liking what’s happening to her reputation lately. She used to be fucking cool. 

         “Okay, class, open your textbooks and we’ll pick up where we left off last week.” Iris saunters in through the door, the two brothers still silently vibrating with their amusement, and Iris catches Ellie’s eye. The older woman raises an eyebrow, an acknowledgement, a message, something unspoken, and then she’s diving straight into content. Ellie’s brain whirs to keep up, cogs turning, and mechanics being used that were left to rust for a long time now booting up. She keeps up with the class pretty well, only getting confused on a few concepts, and making notes of anything she’s missed with a mental note to search anything up before the next class. It’s fucking hard, don’t get her wrong, but Ellie finds she likes the challenge. Iris quizzes the class about the basic antibiotics and medicines for the different kinds of cases, the different categories of animals and their differences, and a few other elementary style concepts that Ellie is grateful for. It’s one thing to read it, but to actually be able to talk about it and hear someone lecture on the topic makes Ellie lean in towards the front of the room, her hand scribbling notes away furiously. She hated high school, and was always getting into trouble, or fights, or suspensions, so no one is more surprised than her at the sheer number of pages filled in her shitty old notebook. A few times she has to swallow her pride and whisper across to Nora if she can copy something she had missed, expecting the other girl to tell her to go fuck herself, but Nora’s awesome and just slides her notes over while she carries on writing on the other page. Ellie throws a look over at Henry and Sam as Iris touches on something she’d read the night before, and the focused seriousness that plagues their expressions surprises her. It’s a lot different from the school she’d been at in Seattle, the people here actually wanted to be. It’s refreshing, and Ellie tunes back into the class.

         Iris wraps it up at nine on the dot, and Ellie breathes a sigh of relief when the low hum of chatter washes over the room, rubbing and twisting out her aching wrist. She thinks she did pretty well, even if her brain feels like it’s about to explode, and apparently, she’s not the only one who thinks so, as Nora lets out a low whistle.

         “Damn. You’re putting us all to shame.” Ellie hangs her head and gives a small chuckle as she packs her books and pens into her worn backpack. “How’d you find it?”

         “Yeah, it was alright.” Ellie slings one strap over her shoulder, standing up and shimmying her way out of the aisle, the others following after her. Henry catches up with Nora to talk about upcoming assignments for another class they take, and Sam falls in step with Ellie, with Cassie slipping in on her other side.

         “Okay, I have to ask, just because it’s too much of a coincidence.” Ellie’s eyebrows instantly shoot up, and Sam just jabs his finger into her backpack, the force catching her off guard and making the redhead stumble. She’s about to protest when he smirks.

 “Is that a Savage starlight pin on your backpack?”

Cassie rolls her eyes. “Not this again.”

Ellie’s eyes are fucking planets. “You’re kidding me. You read it too?”

“Holy shit, yes! ” The kid’s face is practically split in half with a huge ass grin, and Ellie’s finds one tugging at her lips as he throws his fist into the air. “I’ve never met anyone else who reads these comics. Are you caught up?”

Ellie just laughs and shakes her head. “I’m still on Deep Phase, so you better not spoil it for me, dude.” 

“That is such an awesome volume. That’s the one with the phase-shift device, right?”

“ Yes, it’s so cool.” 

Ellie feels like a child on Christmas day, she hasn’t picked up one of those comics since she came to Jackson, she hasn’t had the time, and they reminded her too much of Joel, but she finds herself itching to pick them back up again. The way Sam’s talking about it is making her picture the world, the villains, and Dr. Daniella Star, the cause of her gay awakening, and she offers up a few remarks of her own. By the time they’ve switched numbers and Sam has promised to let Ellie borrow his copies of the latest editions, they’ve almost reached the door leading out to the hallway. Then, Ellie hears her name being called out, and the air is ripped from her lungs. 

“Ellie! God, kiddo, I-”

“No, you fucking know what, Joel? You don’t get to call me that anymore. You don’t get to talk to me anymore. You’re not my fucking Dad.”

“Ellie?” Sam’s eyes are huge, worry swirling up dark storms.

“Huh?” she breathes, a wave of nausea pulsing through her, her head dizzy, her fingers tingling. Her heart’s pounding, and she can practically smell the adrenaline seeping through her skin, but she knows herself and she knows Jackson, and she knows there’s no danger, there’s no threat. Ellie takes a deep breath, willing her heart to slow, and turns round to the direction of the voice. Iris is looking at her with kind eyes, and Sam falters next to her, the others turned round to them. 

“You want us to wait for you? We normally go out for burgers after.” Henry gives an easy smile to Ellie, and her chest constricts in return, as she takes in a deep breath.

“It’s okay. Next time.” Ellie offers them the sincerest smile she can muster, and they nod reluctantly. Disappointment is rife in Sam’s body language, and Ellie feels guilt pull at her, but she’s shivering and sweating at the same time, and her head is pounding. Even if burgers sound godly right now.

“I’ll text you! You need to lend me those comics anyway.” Sam brightens up at that and throws Ellie a thumbs up as they make their way out of the classroom, along with the rest of the class, and Ellie finds herself standing in an empty classroom with Iris staring at her expectantly. 

“How’s it going?” Ellie ‘s hand comes to rub at the nape of her neck, the blood thrumming in her veins. Iris just smiles at her from behind her glasses.

“How did you find the class?”

“It was… good. Yeah, it was pretty good.” Ellie lets her hand fall from her neck, and she clasps her hands together, pulling at her fingers. She doesn’t know why, but she feels nervous, like she’s about to get detention or some shit. It’s stupid.

“Well, great. I’m glad to hear it. You made some friends too, I see.”

Ellie casts her eyes down to the floor, kicking at a scuff mark on the worn carpet with her converse. “I wouldn’t call them that.”

“Then what would you call them?” There’s a spark in Iris’ eyes and Ellie hesitates, because she had a point. Sam had saved himself in Ellie’s phone as Savage Sam and had saved her in his as Extraordinary Ellie , which is pretty lame of them, but it makes Ellie smile just thinking about it. She’s gotten soft, (or maybe she always was.) Ellie’s smiling at the floor when Iris scribbles something down on a piece of paper and hands it to Ellie. The redhead takes it cautiously, and it’s a website.

“I noticed there’s a few things you struggled on. That’ll help.”

Ellie nods, pocketing the scrunched-up piece of paper, adjusting the strap on her shoulder. “Thanks, that’s- that’s actually really helpful.”

“You’re welcome. Now, go home, I know Gabe’s going to have you up early.”

Ellie stands there, her eyes wide, a smug smile tugging at the side of her mouth, and there’s a moment of silence, of understanding before Ellie excuses herself. She considers saying thank you again, but her pride gets the better of her, and so she backs up, leaving the room and shutting the door behind her with a gentle click. The hallway is pretty empty now, so she makes her way to the car park, spotting the red hue of Firefly in the distance. Picking up a light jog, Ellie reaches the truck, clambering into the driver's seat and turning on the ignition. The engine thrums to life, and the shitty heating splutters as it struggles to pump out hot air, but the sound is comforting. Ellie sits there for a second, her backpack slung on the seat next to her, her legs up on the seat, knees against the wheel, hands in her lap. Deep breaths intermingle with the hot air, and Ellie feels the colour and warmth rush to her cheeks, and a weird exhaustion weighs her down. She did it. She fucking did it and liked it. A part of her wants to tell her to calm the hell down, that it’s not a big deal and is kinda embarrassing, but an even bigger part of her is practically gyrating right in her nervous system, because this feels huge. Ellie buries her head in her hands and screams quietly, screwing her eyes tight shut and letting it all out. It feels like a step, a moment, something that she can’t explain. It feels like hope, and it’s taking over her. When she’s got nothing left to give, she blows out her cheeks, her mouth stretched across her face in what can only be described as glee. 

“Holy shit.” Ellie whispers to herself, into her hands, and she slowly lifts her head up, looking out of the truck window, checking her freak out went unnoticed, and her reputation intact. When she’s satisfied, she pushes her legs down for her feet to find the pedals, and she starts the truck.

“You’ve fucking got this, Ellie.”

~

Ellie doesn’t even manage to get both of her sneakers off before she’s bowled over on the porch of the ranch house, and the familiar scent of chamomile fills her nose.

         “You’re back! How was it?” Ellie looks down and her smile grows soft, as Dina’s staring up at her with huge, excited eyes. She’s thrown her arms around Ellie’s waist, and the red head finds her own hands reaching for Dina’s hair, pushing it back from her face as she looks at Dina, just staring. 

         “So, you feel like a genius yet?” 

         Ellie looks up at Jesse, who’s leaning on the door frame leading to the kitchen, and she removes one hand from Dina to flip him off, which he cackles in response to. It doesn’t hit Ellie for a couple of moments, but then she realises it’s like, almost ten. And this house should not be awake.

         “Isn’t it, like, way past your bedtime?” she asks, gently extracting herself from Dina to finish taking off her sneakers. She doesn’t miss the way Dina and Jesse look at each other.

         “What’s going on?” Ellie’s eyes are narrowed, and while Jesse just looks smug, Dina’s head whips to look at her, eyes shifting, like a child who’s just been caught eating candy they weren’t supposed to.

         “Well, no one actually ate dinner. We wanted to wait for you.”

         “What?”

         As a response, Dina just grabs Ellie’s hands and leads her through the kitchen into the dining room and Ellie practically chokes when she sees Gabriel and Anita sitting at the table, sleepy-eyed yet smiling, and the plates filled with lasagne and vegetables all set out for them. The whole family fucking waited up for her to finish class, her first class, and hear all about it over dinner. She’d just assumed they’d had it without her, she’s missed meals before and has just raided the fridge for leftovers, but never in her wildest dreams did she expect this.

         “Are you kidding?” Ellie asks, her hand slapped over her mouth in surprise.

         “Don’t get used to it.” Jesse murmurs, his voice tired but his eyes full of humour. “I’m starving, so you better get your ass sat down.” 

         “Manners, Jesse.” Anita scolds, and Gabe puts his hand over hers, chuckling at his wife. Ellie just rolls her eyes and collapses into a chair. They say a prayer, and Ellie dives into her meal, her stomach rumbling like fucking crazy the second it had smelled food. It was heavenly, and Ellie ate it without qualm, and despite the late hour, the room was abuzz the entire evening. Gabe and Anita had wanted to know all about the class, Marlene, and what the classes worked towards, Dina had wanted every detail on the people she had met while recounting her own day at school, and Jesse was just content in listening in, his face practically in his plate the entire time. It’s only when Ellie feels a hand take hers under the table that her heart soars, and she spares a tiny glance at Dina out of the corner of her eye, to see the other girl doing the exact same. Her heart is thundering in her chest, it feels as though it’s going to burst out, because they’ve been at this for almost a month now, and they haven’t spoken about what they are or what they’re doing, but this feels like something. Ellie doesn’t know exactly what it feels like, but it feels like something.

         After dinner, Dina offers to clear up so the rest of them can head to bed, and Ellie stays behind to help her. She’s clearing up the plates, stacking the cutlery messily on top of them when she hears the tap going, and the sounds of plates clattering in the kitchen. Sneaking around into the kitchen, being careful not to drop anything, she sidle’s up behind Dina, slipping the plates into the sink and wrapping her arms around Dina’s ribs, peppering kisses against her neck and down her shoulders.

         “Oh my god, Ellie.” 

         “You want me to stop?” Ellie whispers between kisses, and she’s swaying now, her hands sliding down to rest on Dina’s hips. The smaller girl goes quiet, just humming, as she lets her head rest back against Ellie’s collarbone.

         “Not really.”

         Ellie chuckles at that, her lips humming against the soft skin behind Dina’s ear, dark curls tickling against the tip of her nose. She lets go and picks up a plate to dry and put away, and they carry on like that, in a companionable silence until everything is washed up and returned to its place. Ellie leans against the counter as Dina puts away the last few cups, unsure of what to do next, of what they’re going to do next. She’s still unsure of her place in this, this thing between them, so she just waits for Dina, just content on watching her work. She’s so beautiful, even in an old t-shirt and pyjama shorts. 

         “Take a picture, babe, it’ll last longer.” Dina’s standing across from her, one hand on her hip, her eyes twinkling, and Ellie coughs from embarrassment. She had definitely just been caught checking out Dina’s ass, and what’s worse is that it wasn’t her first offence. Ellie scratches the back of her neck, as Dina shuts a cabinet door, turning round to look at her.

         “You didn’t have to do this, you know.” Ellie starts, and she gets a raised dark eyebrow in return. “Wait up for me.”

         “I wasn’t the only one who wanted to.” Dina quips, her face nonchalant, but her words weighted. And Ellie knows what she means. Ellie’s a part of this family now, she feels it in some part of her, but there’s just something not letting her accept it. Or rather, someone.

         “Do you wanna stay here tonight?” 

         Ellie shakes her head. “It’s okay, I gotta be up extra early for the horses.”

         “Oh, yeah. You’ve got a shift at the clinic, right?” Dina asks, her hands coming to rest on the back of a chair tucked in at the kitchen table. Ellie nods in response, tiredness hitting her in waves again, dragging her eyelids, making them heavy. 

         “Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow then, I guess.” Dina smiles, and it’s genuine.

         “See you tomorrow.” 

         Dina nods, and backs out of the kitchen, her footsteps echoing throughout the house as she climbs up the stairs to her room, the sound of a door shutting faint in the silent house. Ellie stays there for a moment, just breathing, before she quietly puts her shoes back on and makes her way over to the barn and up to the loft, the world around her quiet.

~

         “I told you, kiddo, you don’t have parents.”

         “That’s so fucking stupid, everyone has parents.”

         The man in front of her looks like Joel, he sounds like Joel, he even smells like him, the faint smell of sandalwood soap is unmistakable, but there’s something off. His eyes aren’t the same, there’s darkness behind them, and Ellie finds herself peering into them, searching.

         “Not you, Ellie, nobody wanted you.”

         “Ouch,” she jokes, but there’s no humour in it. In fact, it doesn’t even sound like her voice, and it doesn’t feel like her, and it’s weird, and there’s a build-up in her chest, and suddenly she can’t breathe and- 

The room around her turns dark.

         “Joel? Where did you go?”

         The lights go up, but they’re dim, and the room around her is desolate, but unmistakable. She’s at St. Mary’s, in her old dorm room, she can see her bunk bed from here, the one she shared with Cat. It’s just like she remembers, except it looks abandoned, with vines suffocating it, wrapping themselves all around the metal poles and the frames. There are vines everywhere, and there's moss on the floor, and the buildings are crumbled, and it’s the home, but it’s not. She runs down the room, passing the beds she’s slept next to every night for the past year, just without the other kids. A dank smell invades her nostrils, the air weighted and wet, making the wallpaper peel from the walls like skin from a wound. It’s disgusting, and Ellie covers her mouth and nose with the top of her shirt as she sprints to the door, pulling it with every morsel of strength she has, and screaming when it doesn’t open. There’s a thud next to her, and a sticky liquid attaching itself to the bottom of her sneaker, a copper smell hitting her nose. Ellie looks down by her right foot, and chokes. 

         “You did this.” It’s a voice, and it’s low and chilling, but it sounds like hers. She crouches down to the body on the floor, her stomach convulsing, her throat closing, and she brushes aside the hair against the eyes. It’s a boy, his face is caved in, blood trickling down his cheek, and Ellie falls back, scrambling to the wall behind her, sobs escaping her throat.

         “I didn’t kill him,” she gargles, the words struggling to come out, strangled. “I didn’t, he was okay.” Her whole body is shuddering, her hands have lost all feeling, and she can’t take her eyes away from him. It’s Manny. She shuts her eyes, real tight, and just fucking wills it away, the whole nightmare. But, when she opens them, the body’s still there, and the room looks worse than before. It’s lighter though, half of the floor has crumbled, leaving a gaping hole in the side of the building, and she can see the whole of Seattle over the horizon. Ellie pulls herself up, staggering over to the light, one hand shielding her eyes from the bright light. It’s Salt Lake City, she knows this much, because the young girl can see the aquarium that Joel used to take her to, and the pier where her and Cat first kissed, but it’s in ruins, destroyed and decayed.

         “My little baby girl.” 

         Ellie spins round on her heels, expecting Joel, but is met with a woman staring down at her, standing between two of the bunk beds, in front of Manny’s body. She’s tall, with long hair, a similar shade of auburn to Ellie’s, but her face is blurred, disfigured, like it doesn’t exist at all.

         “Who the fuck are you?” Ellie screams, hands coming out in front of her to keep the distance. She stumbles back but focuses on keeping her footing and not plummeting to her death.

         “My little angel.” The woman holds out a hand, her wrists dainty, but her arms strong, and Ellie flinches, ducking out of the way. She circles the woman, who mirrors her, watching her with hawk eyes, never taking her eyes off the woman’s face. Only when Ellie gets closer, does the woman’s face become more visible, her freckles more prominent, her green eyes murky, and Ellie finds her own eyes widen, and feels her breath hitch.

         “Mom?” she whispers, tears forming. “Is that you?”

         The woman smiles, her expression soft, and she looks beautiful. Her clothes are dirty, and her hair is knotted, but her face isn’t disfigured anymore. It’s young, with full lips and almond eyes, and stray hairs, and she’s looking at Ellie in a way she’s always yearned to be looked at. Ellie starts to run to her, arms outstretched, when her Mother’s face changes, and a blood-curdling screech leaves her body, blood pouring out of her mouth. Her eyes go slack, as a knife pokes through her stomach, pools of deep crimson pulsing out of the wound, and she crumples to the floor. Ellie can’t hear her own screams, because all she can hear is a loud ringing in her eyes, rendering her immobile, as Joel steps over the body, coming towards her.

         “Stay away from me!” Ellie grabs a brick next to her, throwing it at him with as much force as she can, but it simply hits at his feet, clattering to the side. 

         “I want my Mom, I want- Mom-” Ellie sobs, curling in on herself. Groans are coming from Joel now, and he’s dragging his feet along the floor, but Ellie doesn’t care anymore. She’s hyperventilating, her eyes are shut tight, and the world around her is black. There’s a sharp pressure on her neck, a hand, and she tried to let out a scream, but it comes out strangled, guttural, and she’s staring into Joel’s eyes but it’s not Joel, and he’s lifting her into the air and she can’t breathe and-

         Ellie’s whole-body jolts, her breath catching before her eyes have time to catch up. She’s laying on her side, coughing and spluttering as she sits up, clutching her chest. Every hair on her skin is standing on edge, goosebumps run up her arms and legs, and her whole body feels like it’s been hit with a fucking truck, damp with sweat and tears. Ellie can’t remember the last time she cried, but she’s racked with sobs now, chest heaving. She knew her life was going too fucking well lately, that yesterday had to come with a price, and the tears streaming down her face and onto her comforter are telling. She stays like that for a while, catching her breath, her whole body hunched over, red hair falling over her face. She feels weak, shaky, and doesn’t even dare to look at the clock, instead forcing herself up when she feels strong enough to do so. Legs kick back the duvet, and feet gingerly land on the cold wood of the barn, knees shaking as Ellie’s weight is pressed into them. She takes a few steps over to her dresser and pulls on a hoodie and jeans, pulling the hood up over her head. Ellie’s eyes are sore and tight, swollen, and bleary from the salty tears, but she sniffles past it, pulling on a pair of boots. She makes her way downstairs, not even bothering to make her bed or grab her phone, and heads straight for Shimmer’s stable. The mare snuffles when she sees Ellie, instantly fussing over her, looking for treats as JJ rubs his head on the back of Ellie’s legs. She leans against Shimmer, practically falling against her, hands coming up to clutch at the mare’s mane and neck, as she buries her face into the coarse hair, breathing in the smell of sweet pine and wildfire. 

         “Hey, girl.” The words scratch at her throat, but they’re well received as Shimmer nips at Ellie’s jacket, scratching an itch against the girl’s body. It elicits a small sound of mirth from the redhead, and she closes her eyes, just for a second, sucking all the air in that she can muster and releasing it in a deep breath, steadying herself. And then she gets to work.

~

         Marlene’s smile is way too smug for how tired Ellie is this morning, but she smiles brightly back, her eyes sore, the bags underneath them way too prominent for her liking.

         “Class run late?” Marlene asks, eyebrow raised as Ellie struggles with her locker in the staffroom, tiredness clearly rendering her useless. She still feels uneasy, and her hands are shaking, gripping weakly at the lock.

         “Something like that.” She mutters, finally pulling the locker door open.

         “How was it?” Marlene’s voice is light, her eyes trained on her fingernails as she inspects them, inspects her watch, inspects everything that isn’t Ellie’s face. She’s dying to know, Ellie can tell, so she goes along with it. Shoving her bag into the small cupboard, and slamming it shut, she follows Marlene out into the surgical room. 

         “It was actually, uh, pretty great.” She takes the appointment book, skimming over it to find an empty morning and scattered afternoon. Confusion clear on her face, she looks up at the older woman. “Why’s it empty? I thought you needed me in today for extra hands.”

         “I do. Today, Ellie,” Marlene starts, lining up utensils on the table. “We are doing house calls. I figured your first class was a big step, and this is another. You good with that?”

         Ellie grins, her eyes wide, her head cocked. “Are you kidding?”

         Marlene just chuckles, and grabs her keys from her back pocket, dangling them at the redhead. “Come on, you can tell me everything on the way there.”

         They’re on the road for around twenty minutes, the clinic’s further in town, with the ranches and farmland further out. Ellie spends the journey telling Marlene about the class, what she’d learnt, but also asking questions, and getting excited when Marlene applied them to some of the procedures Ellie had already witnessed. She’d never taken herself for a studious person, she was more creative and practical, but there was something about being able to understand another living being, and having the tools to help them, that was just so fucking cool. There’s something in Marlene’s eyes, and it looks like pride, but Ellie snatches her view away when it gets too much. It’s not long before they pull into a dirt road, leading up to a huge farm, in a part of town that Ellie’s never been before. While Dina’s ranch is more near the mountains, in the West, Ellie’s guessing they’re more East. Marlene pulls up into the drive, swerving slightly into a spot and puts the truck into park. Both of them jump out of the truck, and out of the corner of her eye, Ellie spots two figures coming out of the outhouses, and she lets out a bark of laughter when she sees who it is.

         “Anthony?” she barks, dumbfounded. “What are you doing here?”

         He laughs as he gets closer, jogging up to give her a bear hug. “I mean, I live here, Ellie.” She shoves him lightly and laughs. Marlene’s looking at her in amusement, and she knows she’s probably being unprofessional, but it’s fucking Anthony. Ellie realises she’s only ever been to Soraya’s house out of Dina’s friends, so it’s no wonder she had no clue this place was his. She hadn’t looked at the appointment sheet either.

         “No, you asshole. Don’t you have school?” 

         Anthony scratches the back of his neck, almost sheepish. “Yeah, one of our workers fell sick, so I had to skip to help out. Don’t rat me out.”

         Ellie laughs again at that, shaking her head. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

         An older man, who Ellie assumes is Anthony’s dad, reaches them and catches Marlene’s hand in a firm shake. He leads them to the barn with Marlene beside him, the two teenagers trailing behind them.

         “How’ve you been? We’ve barely seen you lately.”

         “You literally saw me like three days ago.” 

         Anthony rolls his eyes, running a hand through his dark hair with gloved hands. It’s cold today. “For the first time in weeks, Ell. Gabe’s got you working hard, huh? And you’re what, working at the clinic now? When did that happen?”

         Ellie grins. “Over a month or two now. I, uh, also started classes last night.”

         “No fucking way.” Anthony’s face is lit up. “Studying vet science?”

         She nods, her cheeks burning. This is embarrassing. “Yeah, Marlene’s been talking about vet school and, I don’t know, I thought I’d give it a try.” 

         She’s underplaying it, and they both know it, but Anthony just slaps her on the back, hitting her hard even through her jacket with his enthusiasm. “Well, look at you. That’s good, Ellie, really.”

         “Shut up, don’t make it weird.”

They reach the barn now, it’s a lot bigger than hers, and the two adults are already disappearing down a hatch, their voices carrying throughout the structure, leading Ellie, and Anthony to them. Dina’s ranch is one for horses, and their cattle live out, but Ellie’s guessing this is a dairy farm, the barn less so a barn more a huge metal warehouse. It’s sparse right now, the rest of the cattle must be in the fields, but at the end of the room is a number of small stalls, one of which is open. They pick up the pace, making their way over to the stall, and are met with a large beige cow, and Marlene at its feet, checking them over.

         “Looks like foot rot to me.” Marlene’s crouched by the cow’s rear leg, its hoof resting on her knee as she injects it with a sedative. Ellie circles round to get a closer look, and gags at the sight; the hoof has yellow pustules in the grooves, and the skin has turned a crimson around it, scabbing and bleeding. It’s gross, and Ellie is reluctant to get any closer, but Marlene beckons her closer, passing over the hoof for Ellie to hold so that she can rummage through her vet case.

         “What exactly is foot rot?” Ellie asks, feeling kinda stupid. She’s pretty sure it’s self-explanatory, but she wants to be sure.

         “It happens when a cow gets a cut in its foot, and then gets infected.” Andrew offers, and Marlene shoots him an appreciative look. “We didn’t find it until yesterday evening, after she’d been in the field all day, and what with this cold weather, the wound got infected.”

         Marlene nods, pulling out strips of wraps and bandages, and vials of clear liquid. “Clean it for me, would you, Ellie? Only downward strokes, we don’t want the skin to get contaminated.”

         “Sure.” Ellie nods, putting on clear gloves and taking the wet cloth from the older woman, getting to work on the oozing wound. She gently picks up the bottle of saline, cleaning out the wound before flossing out the grooves of the foot with the cloths. When she’s satisfied, Marlene hands her a syringe, showing her where to inject it, and then smothering it with some kind of topical antibiotic after. Ellie wraps it in gauze while Marlene gets started on the other feet, and Anthony chips in, his father, Matthew, talking to Marlene while she works. It’s not long before all of the hooves are done, and the girls are cleaning up after themselves.

         “Give her less water and hay for a few days until the swelling goes down, or she’ll struggle to stand on those feet, and apply the antibiotics twice a day on the wounds, and she should be good in about a week.” Marlene hands the medicine and equipment over to Matthew, and they talk amongst themselves for a moment. Ellie turns back to the cow, running her hand over the soft fur as the creature comes back into focus, waking up. 

         “This suits you.” She looks up, her eyes finding Anthony’s dark ones, and she returns his smile, a warm feeling in her chest.

         “Yeah, it does.”

~

         It’s late when Ellie gets back, and most of the horses are already in the barn, the paddocks bare, when she pulls up. Shimmer and JJ are still in their field, and so she jumps out of Firefly, and heads straight for their paddock. Jumping over the fence, she searches for a halter, but comes up empty. There’s no way she’s going back to the barn only to have to come back in the cold, so she braves it out, and shimmies out of her coat, and then her hoodie.

         “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.” she hisses through her teeth, putting her jacket back on, and wrapping the hoodie around Shimmer’s neck. “C’mon, girl.” She pulls lightly with the two arms gripped in her fist, clucking her tongue, and Shimmer walks beside her, JJ trotting behind them, the little guy desperate to not be left behind. She’s just thrown their feed over the stable door into their feed bucket when a hand grabs her from behind, the container clattering on the floor, Shimmer whinnying at the spook. 

         “Oh my, Dina?” Ellie breathes, her heart hammering. The other girl just laughs in her ear as Ellie turns round in her arms, her hands coming up to rest on the girl’s shoulders. “What are you doing?”

         “I’m about to practise, if you wanna come watch.” Dina beams, her eyes bright, holding up the bridle that had been dangling from her forearm. “You said you’d train me, so, you kinda have to.”

         Ellie lets out a small chuckle, knitting her brows together as she grins. “I told you, I don’t know the first thing about trick riding.”

         “True.” Dina pouts, and Ellie’s eyes flit down to her lips. “But you seem to know horses.”

         Ellie mulls it over, or pretends to, before she’s sighing dramatically, taking the bridle from Dina, and leading the way to Japan’s stall. Once he’s tacked up, Dina leads him out to the arena, but Ellie stops her.

         “Why don’t we try it in the circle pen?”

         Dina looks at her, a quizzical expression on her face. “You can’t trick ride in a circle pen, Ellie.” Both girls lock eyes, Dina with one eyebrow raised, Ellie’s earnest, and she puts her hands up, pivoting round to walk Japan towards the small sand pen. Ellie closes the gate behind them, and Dina has pulled herself up into the saddle when Ellie turns back round, gathering the reins in her hands.

         “You won’t need those.” Ellie teases, striding over to take the reins from Dina, tying them in a knot by Japan’s neck and tucking them into his neck strap. 

         “You’re kidding me, right?” Dina deadpans, her hands coming to rest on her thighs. 

         “Just try it.” Ellie’s voice raises in pitch, the friendly challenge in her voice causing Dina’s eyes to narrow, her mouth to press into a tight, smug smile. She kicks Japan into a trot, and they march around the outside of Ellie, Dina bouncing in the saddle until she eases into the gait. 

         “Okay, easy. Remind me what the point of all this is.”

         “Trust.” 

         Dina just shoots her a look. “I trust my horse.”

         “Okay, but does he trust you?” Ellie asks plainly, and it catches Dina off-guard, her hands darting forward instinctively to grip her hands into Japan’s mane.

         “What the fuck, Ellie?” She asks, her voice wobbling.

         “Just- just take your hands off.” Dina shakily removes her hands, and settles back into the pace of the trot, her hands on her thighs. “Stretch your arms out at your sides.” Dina shoots her another look, but doesn’t question it, and does what the redhead says. Her arms come out beside her, so that her body is in the shape of a cross, and Ellie clicks Japan on, his trot becoming faster. Dina takes a few seconds to get her bearings, but soon they’re speeding in circles around Ellie, and the darker haired girl is whooping. 

         “I’m fucking doing it!”

         Ellie laughs at her glee, but a mischievous smile comes over her. “Okay, now take your feet out of the stirrups.” Dina’s hands come down again, and she pulls on the knotted reins to bring Japan back down to a trot and starts untying the reins.

         “I’ve been riding all my life, Ellie, let’s try something that I haven’t done before.”

         “I didn’t say you could undo your reins,” Ellie arches a slitted eyebrow, and Dina’s face is taken aback, clearly never having seen this side of the other girl before. 

         “Come on.” Dina laments, but Ellie just tightens up more.

         “Do them back up. Throw your stirrups over his neck.”

         Dina sighs, making a show of rolling her eyes, but once again, does what Ellie tells her to. Her legs hang by Japan’s stomach, and her arms are stretched out wide as she kicks him on gently, the horse beneath her picking up a fast-paced trot once again. They do a few laps around the pen, Ellie laughing at the way Japan’s ears are pricked forward, and the concentration on Dina’s face, before she clicks the horse on, and he leaps into a canter. Dina’s laugh and hoots are loud, but they’re full of life, and soon they’re charging around the pen, Dina practically flying on his back with her arms outstretched, her face up towards the sun. Ellie thinks of it every time she witnesses Dina ride, but this time it’s different, the girl looks mesmerising. For a winter evening, it’s a warm hue, a sign of incoming snow, but it brings out the warm tones in Japan’s coat, and the warm flecks in Dina’s eyes and hair. 

         “Look at you go!” Ellie shouts, and Dina just lets out another ‘whoop!’ in response. They look so free, so loose, even Japan looks like he’s having the time of his life without any contact against his belly or mouth, and Dina looks so happy. Ellie knew this was what they needed, to reconnect that trust, that bond, and she can’t believe Dina trusted her with doing that. Ellie knows that the show is at the weekend, the first weekend of December, and she knows how much it’s been playing on Dina’s mind. Dina can sense this too, because she takes hold of the reins again, untying them, and dropping the stirrups back down to hang, and Ellie's eyes widen.

         “Uh, Dina?” she asks, erring on the side of caution with her tone.

         “Don’t try and talk me out of this. It’s now or never.” They both know what she’s talking about, and Ellie stays rooted in the middle of the pen; it’s a smaller space, and so less can go wrong, the speed not as fast as it would be in the bigger arena. She watches, frozen to the spot, her breath hitched as Dina brings her right foot up to a large loop, securing it there as she brings her left leg round. She can see Dina’s breath rise and fall as she takes in a few deep, steadying breaths, and she drops back.     

Ellie’s heart fucking soars as Dina’s on her back against Japan’s side, her leg high up in the air, kicking from the impact of the canter, her arms dragging along the floor, her ponytail mere inches from the ground. Both girls are laughing, and Dina hits her hands against the sand, shoving it towards Ellie, the dust and sand in an explosion aimed at the freckled girl.

“Hey!” Ellie shouts, and Dina just lets out a screech of laughter, her tongue poking out of her lips as she tenses her stomach. Ellie’s eyes widen again, and she has her bottom lip caught between two teeth, worrying it against them. Dina’s left leg bends and rests against Japan’s shoulders, as her stomach muscles work to lift her up just enough for her to grab onto the horn of the saddle and heave herself back up into a sitting position. Her hair is darting every which way, her eyes are flowing, and her cheeks are flushed, but she fucking did it. 

“Oh, my fucking God, Dina, you did it!” Ellie’s cheering now, and Dina pulls on the reins, bringing Japan to a halt. She frantically swings herself over and down from her horse, and flings herself towards Ellie, catching the girl’s neck in the crooks of her arms and her lips crushed against hers. Ellie’s eyes are wide open as she’s taken by surprise, but she winds her arms around Dina’s waist and her eyelids flutter shut as she leans into the kiss. Dina’s lips are cold, but her body is warm, and when they pull apart, their foreheads lean against each other, both girls smiling as the tips of their cold noses touch. Ellie presses another soft kiss onto Dina’s lips, and gives the girl a good squeeze.

“See, what did I tell you? You’re fucking amazing. You’re going to kick ass at that show.”

Dina pulls away, and her hand comes up to press delicately against Ellie’s cheek, tracing the patterns of her freckled skin with her fingers. “I’d feel better if you were there. You’re, like, my good luck charm.”

“I don’t believe in luck.” Ellie whispers back, her grip tight.

“Well, I do.” Dina presses a soft kiss on Ellie’s cheek. “Will you be there?”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” 

~

That night at dinner, spirits were high, or rather Dina was high on her win, and Ellie was high on Dina’s happiness, and Jesse was actually high, his eyes bloodshot and his smile goofy. Anita and Gabriel had gone out to dinner with some friends, and so the three of them had rented a movie, ordered pizza, and sat on the couch for the entirety of the evening. Ellie and Jesse had protested the movie, The Polar Express, and had complained since they’d turned it on ten minutes ago, but Dina had been adamant.

“Hey, we don’t celebrate Christmas, let me have this.”

Ellie blinked owlishly; her mind slow to catch up. “You don’t celebrate Christmas?”

Jesse and Dina just stare at her, their eyebrows raised, their expressions incredulous, and it makes her shift in her seat. Jesse just coughs out a strangled laugh and hits her on the back. “She’s Jewish, idiot. They celebrate Hanukkah.”

Ellie gasps, tilting her head to look at Dina, who was leaning against her. “Oh, shit. That’s in December?”

Dina hits her with a pillow, getting a protest from the other girl. “You’re lucky you’re cute, Ell. Yes, it’s a Jewish holiday,” she sits up, pausing the movie. “It lasts eight days, and it’s like a festival of light. It’s our Christmas. We give presents, play games, light candles, eat lots of food.”

“That sounds awesome.” Ellie marvels, absentmindedly playing with a tassel on the pillow she had just been brutally attacked with. “It’s like eight days of Christmas.”

Dina laughs at her. “Yeah, I guess so.”

Jesse pipes up from his perch on the other sofa. “Ezra brings pretty good kosher beer, too, Ellie. I’m sure he’ll let you drink some this year.”

“Wait, me?” Ellie asks, cocking her head, brows knitted as her gaze flicks to Dina. Dina just rolls her eyes at Ellie, head resting in her hand, elbow propped up on the side of the sofa. 

“Yes, you. It’s in like, two weeks. Are you planning to disappear in that time?”

“No,” Ellie mumbles, “that’d be, that’d be pretty great.” 

Blissfully ignorant to the breakdown and screaming inside of Ellie’s brain, Dina un-pauses the movie and settles back down next to Ellie again, her head in her lap, and Ellie’s hands come to stroke Dina’s hair, twirling the curls around her fingers and smoothing them down. Jesse pays them no notice, he knows about them, and even though Ellie thought it’d be weird because of his and Dina’s past, he seems pretty cool about them. Happy for them, even. And Dina feels comfortable around him to act like they do when no-one is around, so Ellie does too. She realises with a jolt that Jesse’s probably her best friend, apart from Cat anyway, and so is Dina. They both are. She spends most of the movie just staring at the two of them, and they pretend not to notice, and it goes unspoken, like a lot does in this house, but not in a bad way. It goes unspoken because it’s one of those moments where words just wouldn’t do it justice, they wouldn’t capture it. Dina ends up dozing off in her lap, and Jesse follows suit, curled up in a ball and wrapped in a blanket. 

“Dina, hey.” Ellie whispers, shaking the girl on her lap gently. The girl stirs, and looks up at Ellie through bleary eyes, her smile soft as she buries her face into Ellie’s hoodie.

“Hi.” 

“You fell asleep.” Ellie whispers, tucking a girl back behind Dina’s ear. “Let’s get you to bed, babe.” Dina nods and lets Ellie gently extract herself out from underneath the smaller girl. Ellie takes her hand, and gently leads her upstairs, leaving Jesse to keep snoozing on the couch. They reach Dina’s room, and it’s freezing, so Ellie pushes the window shut as Dina climbs into bed, having spent the evening in her pyjamas already. Ellie kisses her forehead, making sure she’s tucked in and comfortable before she tries to slip out of the door. She’s stopped though, by a small hand grabbing her longer one, and brown eyes peering up at her in the dark.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

Ellie grins, and wastes no time in shimmying out of her jeans, teeth hissing at the cold. She brings back the duvet, and Dina shuffles over, Ellie sliding in next to her, bringing her hood up over her head to keep her ears warm. Dina turns around, facing away from her, and Ellie wraps her arms around the darker haired girl, her nose burying in her hair, her front pressed against Dina’s back, and there’s no space between them.

I love you.

She thinks it, she thinks it and she knows it but she won’t say it. They haven’t even given a label to what they are yet, so it’s ridiculous for Ellie to even think she could possibly love the girl in her arms, and it would just freak Dina out for her to express it, but she knows deep down that that’s bullshit. 

Nobody wants you, Ellie.

Nobody ever wanted you.

You know why?

Because everyone you love dies.

Ellie screws her eyes shut, pressing her face into the nape of Dina’s neck, breathing in the comforting scent of chamomile, and willing the nightmares away. They can’t touch her, not when Dina’s here. That’s what she’s telling herself. A hand comes up to squeeze hers, and she knows Dina can feel the tall girl’s racing heart against her back, but she doesn’t say anything. She just holds on.

Ellie hopes she holds on forever.

Chapter Text

“So, you feel ready, Di?” 

“Yeah,” Dina breathes, pushing her food around her plate, bringing up small mouthfuls to her lips and biting at them daintily. “I’m gonna practise one last time before school tomorrow, and then get an early night to prepare Saturday.”

Jesse nods and blows on his forkful of mashed potatoes, shoving it into his mouth, the picture of grace. Ellie just elbows him in his side, making him splutter as he chews, and dodging his attacks when he goes to steal the rest of her potatoes. They’re children, and Anita scolds them both, manners at the dinner table, but there’s warmth and humour in the undertones.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. There’s a storm coming in, Dina. There’ll be snow.” Gabriel interjects, cutting into a slice of braised lamb. “The arena will be all iced up.”

“Well, then, I’ll sand it, Dad. I don’t have anywhere else to practise.” Dina rolls her eyes, taking a sip of hot tea. “You up for that, Coach?”

Ellie takes a second to realise she’s being addressed, and stumbles over her words as she nods her head, Jesse just snorting under his breath, her kicking him under the table in response. “Uh, yeah, yeah, sounds good.”

“Just be careful.”

They carry on eating, Ellie taking a sip of water in between mouthfuls, her mind racing to her last class of the week tomorrow and calculating exactly how much sleep she’ll get in after she helps sanding the school and doing the reading for tomorrow. It’s not a lot, but one look at the smile on Dina’s face makes her forget about it, energy thrumming through her veins. They still haven’t really told anyone, and they still hold hands under the table, or rest their socked feet on the other’s when they sit opposite each other, and Ellie finds she doesn’t mind it. Dina sleeps in her bed more often than not, making sure to sneak out in the morning to practise with Japan before anyone wakes up, but not before smothering Ellie in morning-breath kisses before she goes. It’s nice. It feels safe, and cosy and it takes the chill out of the bitter mornings. The season’s just turned December, and the weather turned with it too.

“So, how were your first week of classes, Ellie, dear?” Anita’s melodic voice pulls Ellie out of her thoughts, and her green eyes find their way to Anita’s kind, lined ones. 

“They were actually pretty awesome.” Ellie breathes, her cheeks flushed from the warmth of the gravy on her plate. “I caught up on all of the basic anatomy stuff, so now we’re learning animal’s physiology. Like, cells and stuff.”

“Cells and stuff? Sounds interesting.” Anita takes a sip of wine, and Ellie flushes an even deeper shade of red. It sounded smarter in her head. She wishes she’d taken the wine Anita had offered her earlier, even if the taste makes her want to gag. They talk for a while longer, everyone around the dinner table laughing, Ezra offering the odd grunt and word, Jesse and Dina bantering back and forth, Ellie just happy to watch them as she guards her plate from Ezra and Jesse’s wandering forks. Anita and Gabriel hold hands on the top of the table, and it pulls on something in Ellie, the feeling in her chest a stark contrast from what she’s used to when night-time falls. Her dreams have been getting worse, even when Dina’s there, and it’s been taking its toll on her this week.

“Dishes, everybody.” Dina scrapes back her chair to her Mother’s chagrin, and collects the plates around the table, Anita following suit with the cutlery, both of them disappearing into the kitchen. Ezra and Gabriel retire to the couches, taking their drinks with them, no doubt to discuss the incoming storm, and how to prepare the ranch for it. Following Jesse into the kitchen, Ellie slides up next to Dina, taking the soapy plates from her hands, her own fingers lingering a little too long on Dina’s, and drying them, passing them to Jesse to put away.

“You girls better get started on the arena,” Anita says, wrapping up the leftovers for lunch the next day. “It’s going to get even colder out there.”

Dina nods, letting go of the plate she’s holding, the china clattering in the warm water in the sink. Ellie dries her hands on the towel she’s holding, passing it over to Dina, who does the same, and they waste no time in pulling on their shoes and jackets, and running outside, leaving an indignant Jesse calling after them. 

“So, you’re just leaving me to finish these dishes? By myself?” 

Their laughs are heard the whole way down the ranch.

“I’m into it, so it’s like a show and a competition in one?” Ellie grunts, running her fork through the mounds of sand, evening them out on the floor of the arena. 

            “I guess.” Dina walks beside her, tipping out small mounds of sand from the barrow for Ellie to shovel. “It’s just like any sport, there’s always a way you can win or lose.”

            “Awesome.” 

They carry on like that for a little while, until most of the school is done before Dina speaks up. “You’re gonna be there right?”

Ellie’s whole-body freezes, she knows that tone, she’s spoken in that tone before, when the going got tough with Joel, and when she thought he’d leave. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Dina’s eyes are downcast to the floor, her foot kicking at the wheels of the barrow, curling in on herself. It takes Ellie a second until she realises what’s going on, and she gently places her fork onto the mound of sand, making her way over to Dina with soft feet. This is the Dina she doesn’t get to see often, the one that has an Ellie counterpart that the red head knows all too well, the one that’s vulnerable. 

“Hey, look at me.” Dina doesn’t respond, so Ellie reaches out to her, taking the girl’s face in her hands, brushing back her curls with her thumbs, her neck craning to catch Dina’s eyes.

“Look at me.” Brown eyes lift, and they meet with her olive ones. “Hey, I’m gonna be there. I’m gonna be cheering you on so fucking loud, you’re gonna wish I didn’t come.”

Dina lets out a small laugh at that, her hand coming up to grip at Ellie’s wrist, and the red head laughs with her. “I’m serious, Dina, you’re gonna be so embarrassed.”

“Fuck you.” Dina whispers, and both girl’s faces are split open with goofy smiles, their foreheads knocked together, their breaths mingling in smoke rings from the cold night. Ellie presses a firm kiss against Dina’s mouth, and the darker-haired girl meets her instantly, with a sense of urgency that Ellie hasn’t felt from the other girl before. Ellie ghosts her lips over Dina’s, before pressing a softer kiss into them, leaning her forehead against Dina’s when she pulls away.

“I’m serious.” She whispers, her hands running down to Dina’s neck, her thumbs rubbing circles into her jaw. “I meant it when I said I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I have to let all your new fans know that you’re mine.”

Dina’s eyes widen, and Ellie’s breath hitches slightly, when she realises the implication behind her words. They still haven’t discussed it, and the sentiment sits between them for a minute before Dina nods, both hands gripping at Ellie’s wrists tightly, before she lets go and straightens herself out, picking up the barrow like they hadn’t just had that moment. Ellie knows that the conversation is over, that today won’t be the day they put a label on what they are, and so, deflated, she picks up the fork, and they’re silent until the rest of the arena is sanded over. When they’re done, Ellie wheels the barrow and fork back into the barn, and Dina’s gone when she comes back out. Ellie pretends she doesn’t see the outline of Gabriel at the window, staring out onto the ranch, and she pretends she doesn’t feel her stomach drop. 

~

“Dr. Ellie Williams sounds pretty fucking awesome if you ask me.” Cat’s voice is tinny through Ellie’s speakerphone, and her face is too pixelated for Ellie to see the girl’s expression, but the sentiment is clear. Ellie lets out a chuckle as she combs a brush through Shimmer’s mane. 

“Hold your horses, let me finish my first week of classes first.” She grins, the heater beside her blowing hot air into the evening, but she’s still on edge from the night before. Shimmer and the little guy were out in the paddock when she’d finished her jobs for the day, so she’d decided to bring them in and take Shimmer out for a ride. Light snow had fallen overnight, and it made for some glorious views, which Ellie had taken advantage of. 

“Well, excuse me for being excited. Maybe Dr. Ellie will actually call me.” Ouch, that one stings. A wave of guilt washes over Ellie, she knows she’s crap with the whole communication thing, she has been working on it, but she knows she’s far from perfect. She was actually kinda lucky that Cat had video-called her halfway through her journey home, she’d answered, and they hadn’t hung up since. Cat obviously enjoys her sheepish expression because she cackles through the phone.

“Yeah, that’s right, feel guilty, you asshole.”

“You’re the asshole.” Ellie grumbles, eliciting further laughs from the other girl, the canned laughter echoing through the barn. They chat a little more, Cat drawing in her sketchbooks and Ellie finishing off picking out Shimmer’s feet. They’re in a comfortable silence for a little while, just like they used to share when Ellie was back at the home, and it makes Ellie hopeful. They haven’t spoken about Dina or much about Cat’s visit here since the other girl’s been back in Seattle, and Ellie was worried it’d be weird, but she had underestimated Cat; the girl doesn’t do weird. At least, not in a bad way. 

“Hey, there was a reason I called.” Ellie’s head whips up towards the phone as she releases Shimmer’s leg, hoof pick in one hand, halter in the other. “I, uh, I applied for some art schools. In the city.”

“What? Are you kidding? That’s fucking awesome, Cat!” Ellie marvels, picking up the phone and holding it to her face. “When did this happen?”

“Uh, pretty much straight after I got back from seeing you.” Cat won’t look at the camera, focusing on something out of view, and it’s unlike her. “I maybe, um, got in.”

“You what? Jesus, Cat, and you waited this long to tell me? You are an asshole, you know that?” Ellie laughs, her left-hand gripping at the phone, her right gently tossing the hoof pick back into the groom box. Cat just snorts in response, and even through the shitty reception and Wi-Fi, Ellie can see a blush come over the other girl’s cheeks, and a shy smile on her face. 

“Seriously, that’s so great.”

“Shut the fuck up already.”

Ellie snickers at that, she can’t explain their dynamic, how they’re both extremely shitty with their emotions, but also both so filled with them. So, she doesn’t try to, and they fall back into a silence.

“Hey, you wanna see something cool?” Ellie’s cheeks are burning from the heater, her body toasted from the thick lumber jacket she’s wearing, and Cat hums through the phone, one sharp eyebrow angled up. “‘Kay, wait here.”

Ellie balances her phone against one of the haybales and slings the rope of the halter she’s holding onto loosely around Shimmer’s neck in a loop, clicking her on into her stall. As Shimmer clops into the wide stall, JJ nickers at Ellie, nipping at her pockets. 

“Alright, alright, hang on.” She chuckles, reaching for his small halter on the stable door, and fitting it carefully over his head, leading him out of the stall. He plants his feet, and stiffens his neck, reluctant to leave his Mom, but as soon as Ellie reaches for her pocket, he’s trotting after her, in search of treats.

“Oh. My. God. He’s gotten so big.” Cat screeches as soon as he comes into view on Ellie’s phone screen. “Have you thought of a name for him yet?”

Ellie’s crouched in front of the phone, JJ at eye level with her, scratching his face against her shoulder and then resting against it, blowing hot air through his nose at her face. Ellie’s got her arms wrapped around his neck, scratching at his ears and face, playing with him.

“Yeah,” she laughs as he jolts his head away from her hands, to only continue nipping at her playfully. They’ve really bonded since she named him, and she’s glad for it. “JJ.”

“JJ? What does that stand for?”

Ellie’s smile tightens, and she just kisses the top of his head. JJ, not being the brightest horse, doesn’t really pick up on her body language, and carries on nuzzling at her. It’s cute though, and it gets her head angled towards the phone screen, which Ellie knows wouldn’t have happened otherwise, so she resigns and looks at Cat, an awkward smile on her face.

“Joel Junior.”

“Oh.” Cat’s face is wide, her eyes dilated, and there’s a beat of quiet between them. Cat opens her mouth, and Ellie feels guilty, because Cat’s going to want to talk about it, and Ellie knows that a few weeks ago she would’ve opened up, but the nightmares and the images she sees at night are returning, fresh in her mind, and she doesn’t want Cat to worry. The smaller girl knows her too well, she’d sense something’s up, and Ellie couldn’t deal with that. She doesn’t have to, though, because JJ spooks as a pair of hands snake their way around Ellie’s face, covering her eyes, as the scent of chamomile overloads her senses.

“Wha-?”

“Surprise. I got home early. Who are you on the phone to?” Dina asks, pressing a kiss into the crown of Ellie’s hairline, running her hands back through her tied back auburn hair, highlighting the flecks of gold running through it under the dim light of the barn.

“Hey, Dina.” Cat tries, and Ellie has to hand it to her, considering the topic they were just on, Cat’s voice is surprisingly steady. But then, Ellie sees her face, and realises that she hasn’t actually told Cat about her and Dina yet, and her stomach does a flip. It’s not that she’s been hiding it, but with everything that’s been going on lately, her days crammed to the max, there just hasn’t been the right time. That’s what she’s telling herself, but Ellie knows it’s more than that; that moment between them in the barn had proven there were still feelings there, and she just doesn’t want to hurt the other girl. Ellie still cares deeply for Cat, and they were never really right for each other, but that doesn’t mean she wants to see the other girl hurt, especially not at her own doing.

“Oh, it’s you, Cat. Hey.” Dina’s voice is perfectly polite, but Ellie hears the clipped tone to it. Man, this just got awkward as fuck, Ellie’s cringing internally, and she swears that JJ isn’t digging the vibe. Dina’s grip tightens slowly around Ellie, her hands touching slightly as she rests her wrists on Ellie’s shoulders, her chin resting slightly on Ellie’s auburn hairline.

Ellie shimmers slightly out of Dina’s grip, letting out an awkward chuckle as the other girl raises an eyebrow at her, and turns towards JJ, giving him a back scratch, which he laps up. 

“Cat just got, uh, accepted into art school.” 

“Oh, that’s, that’s great! Well done, Cat.” Dina smiles towards the phone, and Cat thanks her in return, but the beat that follows feels like an eternity, the air heavy. Ellie just wrings her hands out, squinting back up at the phone as Cat speaks up.

“Well, I’ll leave you guys to it. Don’t be a stranger, okay, Ell?”

“Yeah, yeah, I won’t.” Ellie wrinkles her nose as the call disconnects, and pulls herself up to stand straight, leading JJ back into the stall wordlessly, leaving her phone abandoned on the hay bale. Dina stands up herself, hands stuffed into her back pockets, chest out, and she just looks at Ellie, her eyebrow still angled.

“Everything okay with you?”

Ellie lets out a small grunt, shutting the lock on the stable door with more force than she intended, cringing slightly at the clang. If she wanted to convince Dina that she wasn’t annoyed, she wasn’t doing a very good job at it. She wasn’t even sure how she felt herself at that little debacle that had just developed. 

“That’s not really an answer.”

Ellie sighs, exasperation clear in it as she turns round to face Dina, but she’s cut short by the expression on the girl’s face. It’s almost smug, victorious, and it makes Ellie more irritated than it probably should.

“You knew I was on the phone to Cat, didn’t you?”

Dina’s expression gives it away; the glint is there only for a second, but it’s there, and Ellie spots it instantly, her teeth gritting instantly as she scoffs, brushing past Dina to make up Shimmer’s feed.

“Hey, hey, Ellie. I didn’t, okay?”

“That’s- Stop with the bullshit.” If she’s being honest, this whole gimmick is getting old for her, and the fact that they hadn’t spoken about what Dina had put her through, or what had happened between them was starting to show in small cracks. 

“Whoa, what the fuck, Ellie? Where’s this coming from?”

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” Dina had ignored Ellie for weeks, after she thought she’d seen something she hadn’t, and then had acted crazy when Ellie had danced with Soraya. The fierceness and protectiveness that comes over Dina is fucking hot, that’s for sure, but it’s not fair when it comes without explanation or discussion, and Ellie’s tired of walking on eggshells. 

“Why are you so mad about this? Haven’t you told her about us?” Dina asks, her tone light, but one look at the look on Ellie’s face, and her face turns dark.

“I fucking knew it.”

“What, like you’ve told anyone about us? Your parents? Like you told me that you didn’t want me to dance with Soraya, like you told me you liked me, like you told me anything while you were ignoring me for fucking weeks?” Ellie’s voice is raised now, and she doesn’t know why it’s all coming out now, of all times, but that little show made her feel dirty, used. She’s spent her whole life in care homes, being passed around to foster homes like a new fucking toy that they returned once she didn’t do what it said on the label, but it’s different when it comes from someone she cares about.

“That’s not fair, Ellie, that-”

“What? You wanted to make Cat jealous? Good job, you probably did, you probably also really hurt her too. That wasn’t your place to do, Dina, it was fucking shitty of you.” Ellie’s eyes are welling up, and she knows she’s projecting now, but she can’t help it. She hasn’t slept in about a week, she can’t close her eyes for more than an hour at a time, and she knows she shouldn’t be taking it out on Dina, but that’s what happens when people get too close to her, she hurts them. She turns away from the dark-eyed girl next to her, shoving two portions of pellets into two buckets, adding some turmeric and supplements as Dina puts a hand on her shoulder, turning her back round.

            “Come on, Ellie, I’m sorry okay? But Cat would have found out about us sooner or later.”

            Ellie’s voice is tight now, she can’t deal with this. She doesn’t wanna talk about it anymore. “Find out what, Dina? I don’t even think I know what we are.”

            She pushes past Dina this time, still gently but with more force than before, and throws the feed buckets into Shimmer and JJ’s stall. She doesn’t even look at Dina as she makes a beeline for the stairs to the loft, clambering up the stairs, leaving the other girl just standing in the barn, backpack still slung over her shoulder. Ellie knows she’s being a brat, but she can’t bring herself to care.

~

            Ellie shoves a fry into her mouth, grinning as Sam animatedly describes a scene from one of the older volumes of Savage Starlight. Ellie had managed to catch up between chores and meals, even reading in the parking lot of the feed store as she waited for the ranch’s orders to be brought out to her truck from the warehouse. They’re both long-standing fans already, and now both of them can recite most of the comics perfectly from memory.

            “And don’t even get me started on what she did to Captain Ryan, holy crap.” His face is wide, ketchup smeared across his mouth as he takes a bite from his burger, and Ellie laughs at how much of a nerd he is. They’re the same age, but you’d think the kid was a lot younger than he was. It’s endearing, though, and Henry probably encourages it, which makes Ellie think it’s probably a good thing. The world is shitty enough, and his naivety is refreshing.

            “You can’t tell me he didn’t deserve it, though.” Ellie quips, and her mind is transported back to Seattle, back to Joel’s wood shop, where the two of them had this exact same conversation.

            “True.” Sam concedes, before shoving a bunch of fries smothered in ketchup into his mouth and speaking through his mouthful. “And their escape?” 

            “Oh, my God, you’re an animal. Chew.” Nora scoffs, opposite Sam, on Ellie’s left. They’re all sitting in a diner down the road from Jackson college, having just finished their Friday class. It was pretty cool, but Ellie could barely concentrate through it, her stomach rumbles echoing throughout the room; she hadn’t gone down for dinner, she couldn’t have faced that after her argument with Dina earlier that afternoon. 

            “Don’t play with your goddamn food.” Henry just grins, rubbing his little brother’s head with greasy hands, getting batted in return with a plastic straw. The diner is busy, not as busy as the one that Ellie usually goes to with Dina and Jesse, it’s on the other side of town, but it’s just as nice. They’d all ordered burgers and fries, milkshakes, and cokes, and had been sat just going over the classes, getting Ellie up to speed on some topics she wasn’t too sure on, and just talking about their lives. It was nice, her mind still preoccupied with Dina, but it lightened the weight of that load, even just slightly.

            “Yo, earth to Ellie?” Nora’s face is peering over at Ellie, her fingers clicking in the red-head’s face.

            “Huh?” 

            “Girl, you’re tripping. We were saying we might catch a movie tomorrow night, wanna join?” Ellie just stares at Nora, replaying the question over in her mind until it registers. 

“Oh, I don’t know…” She’s supposed to spend tomorrow night with Dina before her big show on Sunday, but she realises that after their fight, she’s not even sure Dina would want to do that. Still, it feels weird to make other plans.

“Come on, Ellie, you have to. Who else is gonna sit there and discuss the whole movie with me?” Sam pleads, his eyes widening in an attempt to win her over.

“Man, I swear to God, if you guys talk through the movie, I’ll kick you out myself.” Henry interjects, but Sam just rolls his eyes, ignoring his older brother, focusing instead on Ellie. He’s like a fucking puppy dog. But, honestly, it is probably time that Ellie makes her own friends in Jackson, ones that are outside of the ranch, and outside of Dina. And it’s probably better that she stays out of Dina’s way until she calms down. So, she says yes. 

            “Awesome. I’ll swing round and pick you up. Text me your address?”

            “Uh, yeah, sounds good.” Ellie grins, rubbing at the back of her neck. Sam whoops, flushing when a few looks get thrown his way, but he just pops another fry into his mouth, eyes glistening. The conversation moves to what movies are showing, and a debate as to what the best flavour of popcorn is, and Ellie just joins in, smiling and eating and just enjoying the night, before sleep brings what she knows it will. As much as she tries, she still doesn’t sleep well that night.

~

            Her alarm blares at 6:05, and it takes Ellie’s eyes a few seconds to adjust; the sky outside is still pitch black, and so her hands stumble around the bedside table next to her, searching for the switch to a light. Groaning, she rubs her eyes, screwing them tight as the sharp cold of her attic room hits the tip of her nose, and she bunches up the covers over her mouth for the tiniest bit of warmth. A few moments pass, and her whole lights up with a notification sound, and Ellie groans, knowing that it’s time to start the day. She takes a few steadying breaths, it’s kinda dramatic but it’s fucking cold in the loft, she can feel it already. Throwing back the duvet, she launches herself out of bed, sucking in a sharp breath of air through clenched teeth as she runs to her dresser.

            “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” Ellie hisses, rummaging through her drawer, trying to find a clean pair of jeans. Picking up the least dirty pair, she shimmies into them, throwing on one of Dina’s sweatshirts that she’d left in her room, and a pair of socks. She throws on her boots and her jean jacket, and rushes downstairs to get to the heater. She finds the heater pretty quick, but it comes with something she didn’t expect. Gabriel.

“What are you doing here?” It’s the first thing she blurts out, and considering he’s her boss and it’s his barn, she feels pretty stupid, blushing and stammering instantly. “Not, like, what are you doing- it’s just, it’s so early, and-”

Gabriel just chuckles at her. “I thought it would be nice for me and you to go for a trail-ride this morning.”

Ellie’s eyes are wide, her mouth hanging open, and she almost forgets to answer, dumbfounded. “Uh, yeah, okay.”

Gabriel’s eyes light up, and he claps his hands, letting out a genuine laugh. “Perfect, I’ve already tacked up the horses.”

Ellie chokes, the guy is a madman. The barn is warm, the heater pumping out hot air, and she thinks he must have got here at like five. Smiling with her eyebrows pulled forward, tilting her head at Gabe, she makes her way over to Shimmer’s stable. Sure enough, the mare is all tacked up, her hair braided down her neck, and her hooves are shined. Damn, Gabriel’s the real deal, Ellie marvels. He means business. She lets herself into the stable, giving Shimmer and JJ some love before leading the mare out of the stable, tightening her saddle strap and pulling herself up onto the horse, foot in one stirrup.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Gabriel asks as Ellie gathers up her reins in one hand, head flicking up to look at him standing next to her, hand outstretched and holding her Stetson hat. Grinning, she takes it from him, fixing it on top of her head, giving him a small nod. Gabe returns it with a subtle grin of his own, and he hoists himself up onto his own horse, a gorgeous American paint horse, white and grey with huge splashes of mahogany covering her.

“This beauty here is Isha. She’s been with me for more than fifteen years.” He pats her neck, and her ears turn round towards him, listening to the tone of his voice. It’s soft, and she’s visibly relaxed, full of trust and respect for her rider. They spur their horses on, and trot out of the barn doors, and Ellie starts when she sees the sight outside; the ranch, the same as before, but covered in a layer of soft, crisp snow. Everything is sparkling, and light is reflecting in every which way, and Ellie can’t help but marvel at it like a child. 

“Awesome.” She whispers to herself, adjusting her hat back so that she can catch snowflakes on her tongue. She hears Gabriel let out a deep-bellied laugh, and her face reddens, she’d forgotten he was there, and now her face matches her fucking hair.

“You are so much like Marlene, Ellie, more than you know.”

They’re riding next to each other now, on the dirt road now covered in white, the ranch growing smaller and smaller in the distance. Ellie looks at the older man out of the corner of her eye, and he pays her no mind, just sitting back into the saddle like he belongs there.

“She told me she used to live up in the loft. You never told me about that.” Ellie doesn’t want her tone to be accusatory, Gabriel’s given her everything, and she will forever be grateful to him, but it is something that has bugged her since she found out.

“I know you, Ellie. It may be because I’ve seen Marlene grow up, and I see her, and myself in you, but I knew it would do you no good to tell you. This had to be something you wanted on your own. Do you know?”

“Do I know what?” Ellie asks, one eyebrow raised.

“What you want.”

Ellie’s slightly taken aback, the conversation taking a turn she didn’t really expect it to. 

“I guess, uh, being a vet would be pretty cool. It seems far-off, and kinda impossible, but the classes are cool, and I’ve made some friends, so…” she shrugs, her mouth upturned in an awkward smile. “I’m just gonna stick it out.”

Gabriel nods, humming, his gaze long into the distance, like he’s faraway.

“What did you want to be when you were young?”

Another one-eighty, Ellie muses. She’s keeping up with him now.

“You might laugh but… I-I wanted to be an astronaut.”

That elicits a surprised laugh out of Gabriel, and the sound is infectious, Ellie finding herself offering a shy chuckle. “I know, I get it, but the thought of being away from the earth, something tiny in a huge void, around billions of things that we don’t even know about yet. You’d feel so small, like nothing that worried you on earth mattered.”

Both of them are silent then, and Ellie knows she’s unknowingly revealed a part of herself, an insecurity, but she’s not sure if Gabriel’s picked up on it. If he has, he’s not letting it show, but Ellie knows his eyes have changed, and she chooses to ignore it.

“Ah. Has Dina ever told you what she wanted to be?”

Ellie shakes her head, the corner of her mouth pulling into a curious smile.

“She wanted to be a trick rider.” Ellie raises an eyebrow, and Ezra continues. “She’s known what she’s wanted to be since she was younger, not like her school friends who wanted to be princesses, pop singers and movie stars. Now they all want to be vets, doctors, writers, and they all know where their life is going, what the great passion they hold is. But Dina? I’m not so sure she knows anymore.”

Ellie keeps her eyes in front of her, just above Shimmer’s pricked ears, and she feels a lump in her throat. It’s weird; she can see how big of a part trick riding is in Dina’s life, how much she depends on it, how much it drives her, but lately, Ellie’s noticed that she’s struggling to find her love for it. Like the light’s gone out.

“Doesn’t she want to go to the Olympics?”

Gabriel nods, letting out a small snort, adjusting his Stetson. “That’s always been her plan. After the winter shows, there’s try-outs for a pre-Olympian team in the spring. She’s been planning this since she was walking.” Ellie balks, Dina’s never mentioned this before.

“But you don’t think she wants it anymore?”

“I think that something else came along.”

Ellie tenses then, swallowing the lump that was previously in her throat, her whole body frozen. She tries to keep her voice light, unaffected, but does an awful job of it.

“What came along?”

“It came into all our lives, Ellie, but it’s changed Dina’s… You have to understand, she wasn’t the same after Talia’s passing,” Ellie shivers, and it’s not from the snowflakes falling on her shoulders. “Her riding suffered, she stopped seeing her friends, her and Jesse parted ways. He thought he’d marry her, but she pulled away from us all. Withdrew herself.”

Ellie knew Jesse and Dina had underplayed it, and she knew there was more to Dina the first time she’d met her, but she hadn’t expected this. She hadn’t expected to be some sort of saving grace, and she doesn’t know how that makes her feel. She’s only ever needed them before, but she’s never had to take on the role herself. (Or maybe she had, but she hadn’t even realised.) Joel flashes behind her eyes, but he’s gone before he sticks.

“In fact, the party you went along to on your first night here, that was the first time Dina had seen her friends in a while.”

Ellie’s eyebrows are pulled forward, the muscles in her face tight. The pieces were fitting together, things Dina hadn’t told her but had shown her, her oblivious brain too naive to put them together until now. The way Dina had taken a steadying breath before she knocked on the door, the way her friends had dismissed Dina’s antics as personality, the way something was stopping her when she was riding, and it wasn’t ability. 

“You might be wondering why I’m telling you this, Ellie.” They come to a river, a break in the mountain, and Isha takes a tentative step into it, before launching herself through it. “But I’m worried.”

And Ellie knows where this is going, because it’s something that has worried her since the day Joel died, since she ended things with Cat, since she got here and first saw Dina in a new light.

“I’m worried that she will give up her dreams for her happiness, but what really worried me is that that happiness will leave her.” Gabriel looks at Ellie for the first time since they set off, really looks at her, his hooded eyes boring right through her earthy ones. He knows, he saw that night at the window. Ellie gulps, her hands tightening and untightening on the reins. It’s a wonder Shimmer hasn’t bolted off with her yet, the nervous energy must be sending the mare into a fight or flight state. 

Ellie knows she can be flighty, that she’s a broken mess inside held together by duct tape, guitar notes and unfinished poems. She knows that sometimes she’s unreadable, unreachable, and her walls are a mile high and her barriers metres deep. She has an innate need for self-preservation, with bouts of self-deprecation thrown in for good measure, and it makes her a whirlwind to keep up with. She doesn’t talk about her feelings, and she doesn’t like to feel them, but despite all of this, Dina still chose her. At first, she’d wondered if she was the thing keeping Dina and Jesse apart, that she was their excuse for not being together, that she was caught in their crossfire, but now she knows it isn’t true. Dina chose her, and she’s chosen Dina, but fuck, she was terrified that wouldn’t be enough to stop her from hurting the other girl with the heavy weight of all her fucking baggage. 

“You are like family to us, Ellie, I hope you know that.”

Ellie nods, finding her words, and pulls her eyes away, breaking eye contact. “I know, thank you. For everything you’ve done for me.”

            Gabriel waves her away, like he doesn’t want to hear it, and Ellie just breathes a small sigh of relief, contentment, anxiety, she doesn’t know, but she breathes.

~

            Nora [7:13PM]: outside! You ready? X

            Me [7:14PM]: Coming

Ellie curses, stubbing out her joint on the loft’s windowsill, and spraying cheap body spray over her to mask the scent. She pulls on her converse along with her canvas jacket, swinging her backpack over her shoulder, and runs down the stairs, through the barn, and towards the purple Toyota parked up, a dark colour amongst all the snow, made golden by the lights around the drive.

            “Get your ass over here!” Nora shouts, winding the window down, music blaring from inside the car. Ellie picks up the pace, jogging over to the car, jumping into the backseat, Sam next to her. The second she gets into the car, Henry’s looking back at her, amusement clear in his eyes, his laugh fucking gleeful. 

            “Are you high, man?”

            Ellie freezes, just staring at him, a slow, sheepish smile taking over her face, which just gives way to a bark of laughter from the older guy. “You’re crazy.”

            She wasn’t - crazy, that is. She’s been anxious as shit since her morning ride, anxiety racking her body throughout the day, making it harder than normal to complete her chores. It hadn’t taken them longer than an hour to get back to the ranch after the river, and Ellie had actually had a lot of fun, surprised at how much of Gabriel she hadn’t seen yet, they’d spent the rest of the time just talking, laughing, and they’d had a gallop or two. Ellie was surprised that he still had the fire of a young rider in him, having been in the saddle for so many years, but she struggled to keep up with him. Yet, it wasn’t the ride that made her anxious, or even the conversation, but the thought of Dina. Ellie had spent the whole day in brain overload, replaying their argument over and over in her head; it wasn’t even their worst fight, or not-fight, considering Dina had ignored Ellie for weeks. It’s more what had been said that Ellie was unable to take it back, that she didn’t want to. She’d wanted to hurt Dina, because she was scared of getting hurt, and she knew it was inevitable that she’d be the one to cause pain between them anyway. It’s what she did, it’s what she did with Joel, with Cat, and now it’s going to be what she did with Dina. She’d rather not prolong the inevitable, but there’s also something that stops her; that the other girl has given more to Ellie than she’d even realised, and they’ve both been too blind to see it. She had actively avoided Dina for the rest of the day, knowing that the only thing to come out of her in this state would be word vomit, and she knew it wasn’t worth it. So, once again, after she’d finished her chores, she’d skipped dinner, opting instead for a joint and movie theatre popcorn and hotdogs. 

            She was quiet for the car journey, the other’s chatting excitedly to each other over the music, and she’d just sat there, watching the world go by out of the back-seat window. The weed is wearing out by the time they get there, and so Ellie steps out into the frosty air, clearer-minded. Sam immediately links arms with her, chatting about this zombie video game he’d just started, and they fell into step, walking through the dim lights of the movie theatre, up to the kiosk.

            Nora’s picked the movie, it’s some dumb movie about a girl and her werewolf lover, and while Ellie can’t say it’s her cup of tea, she also can’t say she’s any better with her comics. They get their tickets and snacks, Ellie, and Sam with both large hot dogs and popcorn and a huge ass soda to share, and they make their way over to the screen. 

            “What is this movie called anyway?” Henry asks, scratching his head at the cardboard cut-out of the main werewolf guy next to the doors to the screen. Ellie can’t imagine it’s his kind of film either, but something tells her that whatever Nora says, goes. At least, whenever Henry’s involved.

            “Dawn of the Wolf, you dumbass.”

            “I bet he totally guts her at the end.” Ellie grins, traces of weed still lingering in her brain.

            “Oh my- You guys are the fucking worst.”

            Laughter ensues as they’re let into the theatre by the guy who looks like he’d rather be anywhere but here, and they take their seats, whispering amongst themselves while the adverts play. There’s a couple of cool movie ads, and a video game or two, not that Ellie has a console, but her and Sam hype about the movies through most of the adverts, eating their hotdogs and trying not to get ketchup everywhere.

            They fall quiet when the movie starts, the only sound of popcorn rustling alongside the dialogue. It’s kind of slow to start, with flashbacks of main girl Nessa going through the start of the apocalypse with her family, which is exactly like the beginning of every apocalypse movie, except that it’s brought about by a virus which turns people into these wolf-people, or at least that’s what Ellie’s got so far, and they join the kingdom of wolves that’s taking over the world. The girl, Nessa, kind of looks like Soraya with straight hair, and it makes Ellie mildly uncomfortable at the thought, so she focuses on the story - right now they’re showing how her Mother died when she was young, leaving her to look after her depressed Dad and younger sister. It’s kinda depressing for Ellie, but it’s only when the film is about twenty minutes in when Ellie’s interest is actually piqued; the girl’s younger sister is taken by the werewolves, and Nessa’s dad is killed trying to defend her. So, she goes on a revenge mission.

            Ellie didn’t expect that scene to hit her so hard, but holy fuck, she’s got tears in her eyes and she knows that the others are looking at her in amusement, ready to rip the shit out of her for being soppy, but fuck, the actress looks so broken and it hits something in her. It’s not long before Nessa looks bad as fuck, wielding a gun and a knife, and is setting out to rescue her sister, but that’s when the main guy from the cardboard cut-out makes his debut. He’s Rafe, the son of the werewolf leader, because obviously who else would he be, and there’s already so much sexual tension between them, and Ellie can already see where this is going to go. The movie was starting to look decent, but now she prepares for a snooze fest, teen straight couples have never really been that much of an interesting trope for her, but she doesn’t expect is the emotional journey she’s taken on.

            They face foes, their demons, other wolves, until his Father’s goonies find him, threatening Nessa’s life if he doesn’t betray her; so of course, he goes back to his family to save her from being hurt, leaving her alone, the night after they shared their traumas and broke down their walls. Ellie feels like having a fucking breakdown, this was supposed to be a dumb teen movie, and instead it’s ripping her heart out, she’s stuffing popcorn in her face like the fate of the world depends on it. Nessa, being Nessa, goes after him, finding him, and he has to make an impossible decision, his family, or the love of his life. Ellie has no shame during his speech to her, she’s holding onto Sam’s hand and sobbing. 

            “I hate what you do to me, Nessa. I hate that I want to betray everyone I know just to keep you safe, even if it means betraying you. I hate that you make me want to choose between right and wrong, good, and bad, and I hate that I was so sure what side I was on, but you’ve taken that from me. I hate that you have faith in me, that you make me want to be good, good for you. I hate that I’ve told you I don’t want you here, that I left you, and you’ve still come back.”

            Nessa’s clutching her little sister behind her, Rafe’s father sitting behind them from his throne, his eyes dark, his smirk chilling. Ellie likes this guy, and it’s not because he’s attacked her insecurities with his characterisation, but maybe it is also because of how much Ellie relates to him, and how much she sees Dina in Nessa. 

            “You are good, Rafe, you are so good. I see it in you, I see the real you bursting at the seams, wanting to show himself to the world. You’re a good man, and I-I love you.”

            The closeup of their eyes, and their expressions, sends Ellie over the edge, she sniffs loudly, and squeezes Sam hand and ignores the snigger that comes from beside her, except it doesn’t, because Sam’s also sniffling, tears wet down his cheeks. They’re both pathetic, and she wouldn’t have it any other way. Ellie watches at the edge of her seat as his voice rings in her head, Rafe telepathically talking to her (because, of course) to swing at the vase on the table beside her with her sword. When she does it, he knocks out the light in the room, using his superhuman speed to grab Nessa and her sister, and flit out of the castle window, into the moonlight, the girls on his back, running far away. Faintly, they hear “GET THEM!” from his Father, and the film ends with the characters looking at each other, in a way Dina and Ellie have looked at each other many times before, Nessa’s head resting on his shoulder.

            “What do we do now?”

            “Now, we run.”

            The movie ends, the credits rolling with DAWN OF THE WOLF: PART 1 plastered across the screen, and the theatre erupts into claps and cheers. Ellie sinks into her chair, knowing half of the people in here are young teenage girls, and she just cried harder than most of them, but fuck that was a better movie than she thought it would be. They all get up as the credits roll, Henry wasting no fucking time in ripping the shit out of Ellie and Sam for bawling their eyes out, even Nora’s giggling at them, and that’s when Ellie’s embarrassed. San, however, defends their emotions, going on a tirade of how impeccable the characterisation was, and the premise, and Ellie looks at him with soft eyes before she joins in, explaining the lore of the werewolves to the other two, so that they understand the gravity and seriousness of Rafe betraying his family for the woman he loves.

            They’re all still laughing when they reach Nora’s car, and when they drop Ellie back at the ranch, and she promises to text them all the next day, climbing out of the car and waving goodbye as they pull out of the drive. The redhead trudges her way through the snow, making her way over to the barn, but falters halfway there, still thinking about that fucking movie, and the speech at the end, and she knows it’s dumb and embarrassing and cliche as fuck, but her feet make their way to the house, and she quietly lets herself in, pulling off her sneakers in the doorway and hanging up her jacket. If Dina’s light is on, she tells herself, she’ll knock, but if it isn’t, she’ll leave it alone and go back to her loft, tail between her legs and all. Taking the stairs two at a time, she finds herself almost wishing that the light is switched off, that Dina is fast asleep, it’s nearing eleven, but there’s a faint glow coming through the gaps between the threshold and the oak door, and Ellie takes a steeling breath before she knocks gently on the door.

            Dina opens the door after a couple of beats, and Ellie feels like she wants the door to swallow her in those small moments, but her breath is taken from her as soon as she sees Dina. The smaller girl has one of Ellie’s dumb huge shirts on, this one with the slogan This T-Rex hates Push-Ups! with her dark, unruly hair pulled into a low bun, her feet bare, and her eyes wide.

            “Hey.” Ellie breathes, her hands stuffed into her back pockets.

            “Hi.” Dina just blinks back at her, her voice coming out barely a whisper.

            “Can I come in?” Ellie asks, looking at a dark spot on the wooden floor, kicking at it with her socked foot. Dina just steps aside, and she makes her way into the room, with her back to the other girl, taking a deep breath as she stares at the ribbons on Dina’s wall.

            “Yesterday was so stupid, and-”

            She doesn’t get very far, because Dina’s tugging at her hand, spinning the taller girl round to face her, and with lightning speed, has her arms wrapped around Ellie’s neck, and her mouth pressed against the red-heads thin lips. Ellie is caught off-guard at first, her eyes wide open, but she melts into it, hands coming to snake around Dina’s waist, pulling her close, kissing her back fervently. 

            “I’m sorry for being jealous,” Dina whispers against Ellie’s mouth as they stop for breath, and Ellie just smiles against her, catching Dina’s bottom lip between her own.

            “I’m sorry that you were jealous.”

            “You asshole.” Dina snorts, batting Ellie away lightly, as the taller girl laughs and catches her hips between her hands once again, swaying slightly to the quiet music coming from Dina’s computer. 

            “I’m kidding. I’m sorry for, you know, blowing up.”

            Dina shrugs, and lets herself sway, her head resting against Ellie’s chest, the girl’s heartbeat steady and comforting underneath her. They stay like that for a moment, and a new song comes on. It’s familiar, and Ellie’s eyebrows are pulled together, until she realises with a start that it’s the song she sang at the bonfire, when they were camping on the cattle drive. Dina’s eyes fly open when she realises too, and she attempts to untangle herself from Ellie’s arms, flushing with embarrassment, angled towards the music. Ellie just scoffs, tightening her grip, Dina embarrassed is a sight she didn’t know she needed to see, but now that she has, she doesn’t know how she’s survived without it.

            “Is this the song I sang to you?” Ellie teases, as Dina covers her face with her hands, Ellie peppering kisses all over them, squeaks of laughter muffled through fingers. Ellie sings a line from the song between kisses and quiet laughs, and it gets Dina going even more.

            My odds and ends,

            I’ll be stumbling away.

            “Shut up.” Dina grumbles, but Ellie can hear the smile in her voice, and brown eyes peek through small hands, and Ellie places light kisses on each of her fingers, drawing more laughs from the other girl. When her hands fall to rest on Ellie’s forearms, the two girls’ just look at each other, and Ellie’s reminded of the last scene of the movie they’d watched, which makes her feel warm and violently cringed out at the same time. 

            “Are we good?” She whispers, and Dina only nods, a hooded expression spilling over onto her face, dark eyes looking up at her through even darker lashes, and something pools in Ellie’s stomach, making her knees weak. Dina feels it too, and leans in towards Ellie, their noses brushing, before her face wrinkles up.

            “You smell like weed.”

            Ellie laughs, and kisses Dina, body vibrating with silent laughs as the other girl lets out an amused hum through pursed lips, and she feels herself being pulled, her feet stumbling forward, trying not to fall over onto the other girl. It’s only when Dina’s hands slide along Ellie’s arms, and down to the hem of her shirt, that Ellie really does fall, but her hands land on something soft, and Dina’s warm hands are pushing Ellie’s shirt up, exposing her skin to the cold, and it sends Ellie’s senses into overdrive.

            Her eyes fly open, and she lifts her mouth from Dina’s for a fraction of a second, assessing the burning look in the eyes of the girl beneath her, searching for something, anything to tell her to stop, but Dina’s hands are raking through Ellie’s hair, the shirt along for the ride, letting the white fabric drop on the floor with a light thud before bringing the red head back down to her with surprising force. They’d never been this far before, and Ellie’s heart is hammering in her chest, her breathing heavy, and her whole body on fire, and she thinks she’s going to pass out when Dina wraps her legs around her waist, hands sneaking down to undo her jean buttons while her legs push them down Ellie’s long legs. Ellie wriggles out of them, kicking them off with her feet, breaking away from Dina to concentrate, pressing kisses against the girl’s clavicle, and trailing them just beneath her collarbones. Dina lets out a shaky breath, her chest rising and falling beneath Ellie, and they meet eyes again.

            “Stay here tonight.” Dina whispers, hand lifting to gently tuck a strand of Ellie’s hair behind her ear, out of her face. Ellie just nods, unable to find words, and Dina lifts her head up to meet Ellie’s lips once more, but this time it’s urgent, a deepness to it that wasn’t there moments ago. Ellie’s stomach heats up again, her hands clam up as she clutches the duvet underneath her fingers. She feels cold fingers that were warm moments ago clutch her hand and drag it towards the other girl’s hips, hiking up her shirt to her navel on the way. Ellie breaks the kiss, squeezing Dina’s hip against her own, elbow hiking the girl’s knee further up her back.

            “Are you sure?” Ellie asks, the only response being the tightening of Dina’s legs around Ellie’s waist, and she swears she’s fucking seeing fucking stars, her thumbs digging circles into the soft skin beneath her. She pushes herself into this kiss with more feeling than she thought possible, her upper body pressed flush against the smaller girl beneath her, her hands roaming down the side of Dina’s bare thighs, her olive skin like silk against the pads of Ellie’s calloused fingers. Hands snake around her cheeks, thumbs roughly pushing back auburn strands of hair, and when Ellie slips her hand under the waistband of Dina’s underwear, teeth scrape and nip at her chin and jaw and she feels like she’s about to wake up from a dream. When she presses down and hears the small sound that escapes Dina’s lips, she thinks she’s going to fucking die. 

            They lay there for a while, it’s almost midnight, and both of them know they have to sleep, that Dina needs rest before the show tomorrow, but they’d both be rotten liars if they said their nerves aren’t still fried and their bodies aren’t still humming with adrenaline. Dina’s tracing constellations on Ellie’s arms, hands, cheeks, connecting every small freckle and mole into her own little creation, while Ellie just dozes, one hand resting lightly on Dina’s waist, other curled up, resting under her chin, their bodies on their side, turned to each other.

            “You should really sleep.” Ellie mumbles sleepily, humming as Dina traces swirls into Ellie’s temples, just along her hairline. “You got a big day tomorrow.”

            “I’ll be fine if you’re there.” Dina whispers, and Ellie’s eyes flutter open, searching Dina’s own. The smaller girl shuffles closer to Ellie, and it’s almost instinctive the way in which the red-head shifts, her arms scooping under Dina’s body, her thighs between Dina’s as the girl hikes her leg on Ellie’s hips, her head nestling under Ellie’s, her dark curls tickling Ellie’s nose. She kisses the crown of Dina’s head softly, and rests her chin, cheek pushed against the pillows.

            “I’m gonna be standing next to you from the moment we get there, to the moment we leave.” She whispers, closing her eyes again, listening to the steady rhythm of Dina’s breathing. “I’ll even come in the ring. I don’t care if it gets you disqualified.”

            Dina’s laugh is silent, but her body shakes with humour, and her breathing evens out, and Ellie listens as she drifts into sleep. It feels surreal, to have this girl in her arms, to have Dina in her arms like this, and sometimes it still doesn’t feel like it’s her reality, like she’s an imposter living a stolen life. Deep breaths bring the scent of chamomile, sandalwood, sweat and just Dina, and it’s intoxicating. Ellie swears it’s the best thing she’s ever smelled that Dina’s the softest fucking human she’s ever touched, and she wants to just burrow herself in this moment, in the comfort this moment has brought her, something she’s been searching for a long time, but only now just realising how much she needed it. 

            “I love you.” She whispers into unruly curls, the room silent bar Dina’s breathing, and the sounds of the land outside, the horses. She feels like she’s just shared a secret, the room around them enveloping it, keeping it secret, a constant. It’ll follow Dina, keep her safe, unaware. It’s only a matter of time until Dina realises that she’s a lot more broken than she lets on, but for now, this secret keeps the nightmares and the danger away. For tonight, at least.

            I love you.

~

            “What do you mean, they don’t want me?”

            “Now, that’s not what I said, kiddo-”

            “But you might as fucking well have! ‘They think it’s best if there’s no contact’ - that’s what you said! That’s what you fucking said!” 

            “What do you want from me, Ellie?”

            “I want you to stop lying to my face, Joel, I want you to stop with the bullshit. I asked you to promise that everything you told me about them was true, and you said it was, and I believed you. I fucking believed you!”

            It’s quiet for a moment, but that moment feels like a lifetime.

            “Tell me the truth.”

            The same quiet again.

            “Tell me the truth Joel, or I swear, I’m gone. I’ll leave right now, and you’ll never see me again. But, if you just tell me what really happened, I’ll stay. I’ll stay here with you. No matter what you tell me. I have to know, Joel. They’re my parents.”

            He meets her red eyes with his own, opening his mouth as if to speak.

            Ellie startles, jostling the girl still in her arms, and huge brown eyes look up at her startled, as she catches her breath.

            “What time is it? Everythin’ okay?” Dina mumbles, and Ellie cringes when she looks at the alarm clock, it’s five-thirty, and they don’t have to be up for another hour, so she just kisses the top of Dina’s head, untangling herself from the smaller girl’s arms.

            “Where you goin’?” 

            “Just go back to sleep, baby.” Ellie whispers, and Dina nods, bleary eyed, before instantly falling, closing her eyes, her breathing deep again once more. Ellie takes a moment, just looking at Dina amongst the blankets, and smiles to herself, before grabbing her clothes from the floor, a towel from Dina’s dresser, and slipping quietly down the hall into the bathroom.

            The hot water does wonders for her restless mind, and for washing off last night’s dream from her skin. Granted, last night wasn’t as bad as some of the nights she’s spent writhing in her bed, waking up with screams and sweats, it was more of a memory, but it doesn’t make it any less haunting. It doesn’t weigh her down any less, the feeling of guilt clogged in her throat, stuck between her toes, as heavy as it was a year ago. But the water helps. She takes a second in the bathroom mirror, looking at the scar through her eyebrow as if it hasn’t been there for most of her life, and the freckles on her face as if someone had painted them on overnight. Brushing through her wet hair with her fingers, and putting her clothes back on, she makes her way downstairs as quietly as she can, determined to slip out undetected. She’s tying her laces when the clearing of a throat lets her know of her failed mission, and she looks up, Ezra’s expression making her ears burn.

            “I was just, uh-” she begins, knowing that her being in the house this early in the morning really wasn’t too out of the usual; the loft doesn’t have a shower after all, but she can still feel Dina underneath her, and it makes her unable to look Dina’s uncle in the eye.

            Ezra just puts up a hand, stopping Ellie in her tracks, and she’s insanely grateful for it, breathing out a relieved chuckle as he holds his coffee mug up to the fresh pot made on the stove. She shakes her head, wanting to get into some clean clothes, but Ezra’s already pouring her a mug and placing it on the kitchen table, staring at her expectantly. 

            Eyes wide, she blows out her cheeks, taking the few steps to the table and taking a seat, hands coming to cup around the mug, instantly warming. Ezra refills his own mug, taking a long sip, and exhales a little ‘ah’ after, Ellie slurping quietly in the otherwise silent kitchen. They stay like that for a beat or two, Ellie playing with her hands, drawing pictures around the creases in them, digging her nails into them, making the lines deeper. She’s about halfway through her cup when Ezra speaks up, her head flitting up to look at the older man, who's pulling out a chair of his own to take a seat on, bringing the coffee pot with him.

            “You’re coming today.”

            “Uh, yeah. Are you?”

            He just grunts his affirmance, and Ellie takes another sip. It’s stronger than Anita makes it, with a slightly bitter aftertaste, but Ellie doesn’t mind it. It’s closer to the way Joel used to make it, and it comforts her, warm in her stomach. Ezra kinda reminds her of Joel, the more she thinks about it, both brothers do, and Ellie’s not sure how she feels about it. 

            “Gabe tells me you’re staying here after.”

            “After...?” she asks, tilting her head, confusion clear on her face. 

            “After your sentence.” Ellie flinches at the word, it sounds harsh, but the question is what takes her off guard. Ezra’s never shown that much of an interest in conversation like this before, aside from the odd comment and nice deed, but in the early hours of the morning, his voice is low and hoarse, and it fits perfectly, so Ellie answers.

            “I think so, yeah.” It feels real, it always kind of did, but the more she says it, the more Ellie envisions it, and the more it brings about a shiver through her, the thought of a life here.

            “What’d you do?”

            That one makes Ellie choke on her coffee, her body doubled over as she struggles to keep the hot liquid from coming through her fucking nose. She doesn’t even have to ask him to elaborate, she knows what he’s asking, but in all her time here, no-ones come out and asked her outright what she’d done to get put on probation, and she waits for him to tell her she doesn’t have to answer, but he sits there, drinking the dregs out of his mug and filling it up once again. It’s like almost six, and Ellie’s already witnessed Ezra have at least three cups of coffee. Jesus Christ, the guy’s an animal.

            He’s still looking at her when she’s recovered from her little fit, but it’s not an intruding glare, nor is it a pressuring one, and Ellie finds herself actually wanting to tell him. She doesn’t know why, every part of her screaming for her not to tell someone in Dina’s family why she almost went to juvie, but she does it anyway, because fuck her issues, right?

            “I, uh,” she coughs, “beat the shit out of someone, uh, this guy.” I put him in a coma.

            She doesn’t elaborate, and he doesn’t ask her to, at least not straight away anyway, and it’s a thoughtful silence for a few moments, the older man just scratching at his stubble in thought, Ellie swirling around the few leftover coffee grounds at the bottom of her mug.

            “Did he deserve it?”

            Ellie’s eyes snap up to Ezra’s, expecting some sort of judgement, or anything, but there’s nothing. “Does anyone?” she whispers softly. 

Ezra looks at her again, his dark eyes piercing through her own, and she cuts the bullshit. She knows he doesn’t really believe in her answer, hell, she doesn’t believe in it either. Maybe Manny hadn’t deserved it, but Ellie remembers the moment so clear, the hate in her heart, the thoughts racing through her mind. She’d wanted him dead. It had terrified her, the Ellie in that moment was not the one she knew now, but she could still feel her in the background, waiting, ready to take over when sleep came, and the fact he was appearing in her dreams was just the icing on top of the cake. She clenches her fists around the mug, knuckles white, when she thinks about it again.

            “Yeah, he did.”

            “Attagirl.”

~

            Ellie hadn’t taken long to get dressed, opting for one of her nicer checked flannels and boots, and it’s not long before she’s helping Dina load Japan into the trailer, the other girl already having loaded all of the tack and other essentials. The trailer’s attached to the back of Firefly, the two girls having decided to drive together with the rest of the clan in Gabriel’s car. Ellie had thought they all only owned trucks, but apparently, they had a fancy range rover for special occasions. She’s made a joke about asking Gabriel to up her pay, and Dina had hit her in the arm in return. Jesse had texted and told them he would meet them there in time for the competition, and so they were on the road pretty quickly, making good time.

            Ellie’s got one hand on the centre of the wheel as they sail down the highway, the other on Dina’s thigh, only leaving it to change gears, returning it immediately. It’s only when Dina rests her hand atop Ellie’s that Ellie notices she’s got a small brown leather band on her dainty wrist, with a small metal pendant of a hand, adorned with a small blue beaded eye in the centre of the hand. The metal glints in the morning sun, and Ellie gestures down to the bracelet with a nod of her head.

            “What’s that? I’ve never seen you wear it before.”

            Dina looks down at it, her leg jittering, her fingers brushing over the bracelet as she looks at it with a faraway stare in her eyes. “It was Talia’s. She wore it every day for good luck, good omens. I thought I might need some luck today.”

            Ellie knows there’s more to it, but she leaves it, instead giving Dina’s leg a small squeeze, and smiling, eyes crinkled when the girl looks up at her.

            “I don’t believe in luck.”

            “I know.”

            The venue’s seriously packed when they get there, and Ellie thrums her fingers on the steering wheel, both hands gripping tight, as the wardens guide her round to the competitors’ quarters. When they arrive, the two girls make quick work of unloading Japan into the stalls in the back of the arena, the rest of her family joining them to help unload the rest of her truck. There’s Christmas decorations everywhere, and when she expresses her confusion, Dina just laughs and reminds her it’s mid-December. Ellie just marvels at it, taking everything in.

            Gabe and Anita find the desk to sign Dina in, Ezra follows them in search of more coffee, and it leaves Ellie and Dina alone to finish grooming and tacking up Japan, taking extra care to make sure everything is secure and done right. Dina’s halfway through braiding her horse's mane when Ellie slides up behind her, snaking her hands around the girl’s waist and trailing kisses upwards behind her ear. Dina laughs, caught by surprise, trying to bat Ellie away with her elbows while keeping a grip on the braids in her hand.

            “You’re gonna crinkle up my outfit.” Dina scolds, but there’s humour in it as Ellie looks the smaller girl up and down. Ellie’s seen the fancy competing outfits that some of the girls strut around in while she’s been in town, or the posh jumping outfits she’s seen while out on vet calls with Marlene, so she had an idea of what to expect. This, however, was far from what she was expecting; but in a way, it made total sense. Dina was tucked into a dark red leotard, the fabric soft and the colour deep. It’s adorned with swirls and patterns, and a few rhinestones for good measure in a neat line alongside her collarbones. Japan’s dressed up too, with a matching deep red mask on his face, adorned with sparkles, and a red poncho underneath his trick saddle. Dina’s outfit is also paired with black tight leggings, the same crimson swirling down her legs like vines. Honestly, she looked hot as fuck, and Ellie barely rips her eyes away from the way the fabric hugs Dina’s body, especially when the girl turns round to finish off Japan’s braid, but the sound of Anita’s voice does the trick. Ellie straightens up, and her parents appear from around the stable wall.

            Both adults envelop Dina in a huge embrace, and it tugs on something in Ellie’s chest as Dina only complains about her outfit, which they all know can’t get crinkled, even though her smile has only widened. They’re a gorgeous family, Ellie thinks to herself, and when Dina takes her hand, pulling her into the hug, she relents instantly. (Not that there’d been much resistance in the first place.)

            “We’re going to take our seats, my love, give you a chance to warm up. Ellie?” Anita gestures to Ellie, lightly taking a hold of her shoulder. Ellie starts to make a move, she guesses Gabe stays behind to give Dina one last pep talk, but Dina interrupts.

            “Do you mind if Ellie comes into the practise ring with me?” Dina asks shyly, and Ellie tenses, her eyes flitting over to Gabriel, searching for a reaction, for some hostility towards her. What she finds is surprise, followed closely by understanding and genuinity, and it takes her aback when he nods, placing a tender kiss on his daughter’s forehead, and making his leave, the two of them exiting the stall.

            “Practise ring?” Ellie asks, one eyebrow raised. 

            “Just follow me.” Dina looks over at Ellie, her back turned to her as she tightens the girth band around Japan’s stomach, and Ellie grins back at her.

            The practise ring is awesome, and it’s awesome not just because Ellie says it is, but because it’s just the size of a fucking football arena. Dina’s on Japan, walking into the ring, where literally Ellie can count around seven horses just galloping round, their owners doing all kinds of small tricks on them. Dina gets Japan up to a trot, letting him stretch out his muscles and warm up his joints, before she kicks him up into a slow, controlled canter. Ellie’s seen her do this before, and considering what she’s learnt about horse’s basic anatomy and bone structure so far, Dina cares a lot about Japan and his health, and honestly, it’s a sight to see. Ellie’s looking at all of the other riders, and while they look amazing, there’s not a lot of warming up, or praising of the horses. She gets that it’s a competition, and competitions mean business, but when Dina gets Japan up into a gallop, he instantly flies, and Ellie swears she’s never seen anything quite like them. Dina doesn’t ride for long, around twenty minutes before the first contestant is called up, and Dina’s making her way over to Ellie again, face flushed and Japan breathing deep, but they both seem ready, and Ellie reaches out, giving Japan a pat on the neck, and giving Dina’s ankle a squeeze. She walks next to the duo towards the starting arena, to the gate, and she watches the girl on the horse above her as she scans the crowd, no doubt in search of her family waiting in the stands.

            “I’m so fuckin’ nervous.” Dina takes in a deep breath, and Ellie can see her instantly tightening her grip on the reins, and Japan snorts in response.

            “Whoa, hey, hey.” Ellie reaches out a hand instinctively to rest atop of Dina’s, slowly coaxing them out of their death grip. “Trust him, he’s got this. So do you.”

            “How can you be so sure?” Dina’s eyes have fluttered shut now, as she takes long breaths in and out, her legs slightly shaking.

            “Look at me.” Dina’s jaw tightens, her muscles tense, but Ellie just squeezes her hand and sets her brows. “Fucking look at me, Dina.” The girl drags her head towards Ellie, the angle odd, as if an invisible string’s pulling on her neck. The speakers produce feedback, making both girls flinch, and the booming voice of the tannoy erupts from them, welcoming everybody and calling on the first contestant. Ellie ignores it, carrying on.

            “Just forget about everything for a second. Forget about the show, the people, the try-outs.” That must hit a nerve, or some shred of guilt, because Dina’s jaw flexes again, but Ellie ignores it. “Just be here with Japan. He’s all that matters. Do you trust him?”

            Dina nods once, unsure, but then again, with a vigour to it, her eyes screwing even tighter shut. “Yeah.” Her voice is small, and Ellie knows she can’t fuck this up.

            “Remember what that feels like, to have no hold on him, but to trust him. Remember how it feels to just be in sync with him, like you have been every time I’ve seen you ride. You’re a team, he’s got you, and you've got him. Nothing else matters.”

            Dina nods, her eyes slowly opening. The second contestant passes them into the arena.

            “You know what I noticed in that ring?” Ellie asks, leaning against Japan’s shoulder. Dina shakes her head, and Ellie takes it as her cue to keep going, eyes boring into the ones above her. She holds the leather band around Dina’s wrist between two fingers, and tucks it underneath the dark red fabric, making sure it’s pressed tight against Dina’s skin as a reminder.

            “There was no pressure, it was just you and him, and you fucking flew, Dina.” Ellie takes her hands back, and runs them down Japan’s neck, feeling the smooth, thick hair underneath her fingers, and the muscles underneath the skin.

            “No one has a connection like you two do, and that’s what’s gonna win this.”

            The second contestant has finished now, the third making their way past them, and Ellie can see the reflection in Dina’s eyes, the insecurity that lies behind the images. “I’m scared I won’t pull this off.”

            Ellie knows what she’s talking about, the trick she’s been working herself into the ground to try and master, but she puts it to one side, shaking her head. “All you’ve gotta do is trust him and trust yourself. You’re so good, Dina, you’ve got this.”

            Dina screws her eyes shut once more, her whole-body hunching as she holds her breath, jittering her legs once more, but then she lets it out, and everything comes out with it, and when her eyes open, she’s clear, focused. It makes Ellie’s hurt in the best way.

            “I love you.” She breathes, and instantly clams up, eyes wide like a deer caught in headlights. Another rider has now finished, the young blonde girl on a jet-black horse trotting out of the ring, past the two girls, who are transfixed in their own little world.

            “Shit, fuck, oh my god, I’m so sorry, that was literally the worst thing to say, that doesn’t help you at all, please ignore me-” Dina just is staring at her, and she can feel the word vomit spewing out of her, her demeanour a stark contrast from what it was moments ago, and why isn’t she saying anything, her mouth open to speak, she looks like she’s about to, and-

            “Rider Dina from Linden Ranch, on Japan. Give it up, everybody.”

            Dina gathers the reins, her throat exposed as she swallows audibly, clicking her tongue, coaxing the gelding below her into a walk. Ellie watches, arms crossed, fingers in her mouth as she chews on them anxiously. She knows she doesn’t need to be anxious, though, because the second Dina enters the threshold of the arena, every morsel of anxiety or tension leaves her body, as if she hadn’t a care in the world, as if one had never been there at all.

            Ellie watches from the gate, the arena is huge so she can’t quite spot the others, not that she’s taking her eyes off Dina anyway, but the minute Dina kicks Japan on into a gallop, it’s like the world slows, and Dina’s the cause of it. Japan leaps up into a gallop, and Dina’s up instantly, both of them a blur of red and gold, and she’s already into her first trick, one leg in the stirrup, one thrown back into the air behind her, the small girl leaning against Japan’s neck. She throws herself off of his side, her feet landing on the ground for a split second, only to flip herself back up onto his neck backwards. Even from here, Ellie can see the taut muscles in her arms and thighs working at Godspeed, the concentration on her face hidden behind the world’s cheesiest grin. Ellie sees why the dark-haired girl loves this sport so much, why it’s her passion, because she looks so fucking good doing it.

            Dina’s sitting on Japan’s neck now, facing his rear end as the commentator narrates each trick, showering her with compliments, getting the crowd amped up. It’s what’s motivating Dina, and Ellie can see it clear as day, as she tumbles off the side of her horse, one hand gripped onto the horn of the saddle, one thigh slotting into a loop on the saddle, hanging off the side of the horse as he thunders around the ring, huge smile on her face, her body light and fluid as the impact of his hooves throws her around. 

“The sidewards backbend everybody, made to look easy by this dynamic duo!”

The crowd cheers, but Dina stays solid and stoic as she swings herself back to sit on his saddle. She takes a steadying breath, for all of nil seconds, and Ellie swears the world goes quiet and slows down as the girl in the ring shoves her right foot into the loop high on the side of her saddle, and launches herself back, her left leg up in the air, her swaying hands almost dragging along the floor as she dangles down the side of Japan.

The world goes silent as Dina sways there, unmoving and then it’s alive again, Dina pulling herself back up to sit upright in the saddle, the deafening roars of the crowd flooding Ellie’s ears. She’s screaming and whistling herself, as the announcer shouts into the tannoy.

“There she goes, folks, with the first one of today, the Russian suicide drag! Hanging off the side of her horse with one point of contact, one strap, everybody. That right there is an incredible performance. Dina and Japan everybody!”

Dina brings Japan back down into a trot, making her way out of the gate, and as soon as she’s out of the arena, the girl instantly launches herself down from the saddle, making a beeline straight for Ellie.

“I did it, I fucking did it!”

Ellie’s laughing with her, and then suddenly Dina’s mouth is against hers, and she’s kissing the shit out of the older girl. Ellie’s face is a picture of shock to begin with, and then she melts into it, wrapping her arms so tight around the smaller girl that she’s worried she’s going to squeeze the air out of her, but Dina’s hands just grip tighter around her neck, fingers splayed across her jawline, and so Ellie just kisses her deeper.

“Looks like someone’s happy!”

Both girls freeze, forgetting that while they’re technically in the riders’ ring, and not the actual arena, they’re still visible to the audience, and apparently, the commentator. They break apart, and for some reason, it’s that moment that Ellie meets eyes with Dina’s family, spotting them not too far away from the arena entrance. Fuck. Dina’s face is a picture of shock, her cheeks even more flushed than they were from the riding, but once again, they don’t have any time to talk about it, because the last contestant is already in the ring, performing his stunts, and one of the grooms’ backstage tells Dina to get back on her horse for the results.

Dina puts one foot in the saddle and climbs back up into her seat, as the last competitor finishes his last trick, standing upright, both feet in two loops by his mare’s shoulders. Dina and the other contestants all line up by the gate, Ellie taking a step back to stand with the other friends and family backstage, as they all make their way into the arena.

“This has been a mighty fine show we’ve had here today, guys and gals, and our judges are absolutely blown away by some of the fire we’ve seen in this ring. Each trick is weighted and rated by the difficulty level, the smoothness of the execution, and the performance factor.”

Ellie’s thumb is bleeding now, from where she’s bitten the skin around her cuticle, and she sucks on it, the blood leaving a copper taste in her mouth. There are around five or six different competitors in the arena, but only three placing awards.

            “With that said, in third place is Tyler from Westwood Farm, riding Athena’s wind.”

            It’s the guy who rode last, and Ellie claps for him, but her heart’s not in it, her heart hammering, anxiety fraying every single nerve end in her body.

            “In second place, we have Amber from Hollow Point, riding Captain.”

            The blonde girl that rode past them earlier takes her ribbon, smiling and waving to the crowd, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. Ellie sees her eyes flit towards an older blonde woman with a face like thunder, and Ellie guesses they had a lot riding on this.

            “Now, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for, folks, first place.”

            Ellie’s eyes immediately find Gabriel’s again, and Jesse’s, and then they flit back to Dina, and she nods. Even if you don’t win this, you’ll still be Dina, and that’s pretty fucking awesome.

            Time slows, and the world goes still once again, Ellie’s own heartbeat drowning out her ears, the whole stadium quiet, full of delicious anticipation.

            “Dina from Linden Ranch, riding Japan!”

            Ellie doesn’t register it for a split second, her face deadpan, until it hits her, and she’s fucking screaming the whole arena down, fingers in her mouth, whistling as loud as she can. Dina’s family are instantly up in their seats, standing and clapping, even Ezra’s stood, and Ellie thinks she sees Anita sobbing. A woman dressed in fancy cowboy clothes hands Dina a trophy and a bow, while another young girl drapes a winner’s blanket around Japan’s rear. A photographer instantly comes up to take the winning picture of the two of them, and Dina’s looking at Ellie, signalling her over. 

            “Me?” she mouths, and Dina rolls her eyes, so Ellie jogs over, heart beating, and stands beside the two of them, teeth showing in a toothy grin as she smiles wide for the photo, hand holding onto one of the loops of Japan’s trick saddle. A light hand rests on hers, startling her, but Dina doesn’t glance at her, continuing to look forward and smile bright for the photo. The photographer takes a few and the riders make their way back to the stables behind the arena, the announcer wishing everyone goodbye, and reminding them to check out the stalls and markets in the entrance, listing out sponsorships and companies.

            When they get back behind the stalls, Dina jumps down from Japan, sets her trophy down on her belongings and launches herself at Ellie again, tears streaming down her face, but complete ecstasy in her expression. Ellie laughs, holding onto Dina as she jumps on her, Japan snorting at the sudden commotion.

            “I can’t believe I fucking did it!”

            “Language, Dina.” Anita’s voice sings from the stable door, and Dina lets out a surprised noise, but instantly is launching herself at her parents, and then Jesse, and even tackling a disgruntled Ezra with a hug. Dina’s full-on blubbering now, and Ellie just watches from the side-lines at the display, untacking Japan as Jesse and Dina joke around, and the adults chat amongst themselves. Ellie’s struggling with a stiff buckle on Japan’s bridle, cursing quietly to herself, when she feels a hand softly ghost over her shoulder. and when she turns round, Anita’s looking up at her with big brown eyes, so similar to ones she’s stared into hundreds of times before. 

            “Here, let me.” Anita’s voice is soft, and Ellie moves aside, the older woman's hands making light work of the rest of the bridle, deftly undoing the straps, and lifting it from Japan’s head. He shakes his mane out as Anita starts on his braids too, and Ellie goes for his tail, loosening the waterfall braid Dina had woven down the coarse hair.

            She’s waiting for the other shoe to drop, for someone to mention what they saw between the two girls, but nothing comes. She’s not sure if Gabriel already knew, he’d hinted at it pretty heavily, but adults were funny like that.

            “What do you say we all celebrate?” Gabriel asks, patting Japan’s back with a thump, but the horse takes no mind. “Go for a drink or two.”

            “But Ellie’s driving, Dad.” Dina’s face is still flushed, and her eyes are glistening as she gestures to her horse, munching on hay on the stable floor.

            “Nonsense,” the older man waves away the notion, “Ezra can take Japan back in Ellie’s truck, you both can ride with us.” Ezra grunts, eyebrows raised at his brother’s curtness, but the promise of a drink makes his mind up pretty quickly. They don’t take long to pack everything back up, and soon they’re piling into the back of Ezra’s car, Dina sitting in between Jesse and Ellie, the three of them joking around and laughing as Gabriel pulls out of the parking lot. 

            “Wait, didn’t you drive here?” Ellie asks Jesse pointedly, head cocked.

            “Uh, no. I got dropped here.” Jesse’s tight-lipped, elbow leaning on the window of the car, and Ellie’s face lights up instantly. Dina takes a while to catch on, but when she does, she has the tact of a bucking bronc.

            “Oh my God, Jesse Chang, are you seeing someone?” 

            If Ellie didn’t know Jesse any better, she’d say he regretted them finding out the second they did, but she knows him like the back of her hand now, and his eyes are full of humour. Joel had always taught Ellie to read people through their eyes, windows to the soul he had called them. She’d laughed him off, calling him an old man or a dinosaur, but she was pretty glad for that lesson now.

            They go to a restaurant halfway home, with fancy cutlery and expensive beers served in tall glasses, and entrees that were the size of the joints Ellie and Jesse roll. She’s never been anywhere this fancy, and the food portions aren’t as big as she’d like, but she spends the whole time laughing, grilling Jesse on his new mystery girl, talking, and just joking around with Dina’s family. Honestly, it’s perfect, and Ellie finds herself just living in the moment, not questioning her right to be there, or overthinking anything. She’s just Ellie. Ezra joins them after their starters, and slips into the dynamic easily, coming out of his shell after a few beers, joking around with his brother and sister-in-law. When Dina holds her hand under the table, Ellie knows that every set of eyes on their table sees it, so without overthinking, she brings Dina’s hand up to her mouth and presses a light kiss onto her knuckle. Dina freezes mid-bite, just for a second, and she chews quickly, but hers is the only reaction. It’s subtle, and perfect, and Dina keeps clutching onto her hand, their fingers entwined, but this time it’s not under the table.

~

            It’s dark when they set off home, and Jesse’s napping in the backseat after a few too many beers, Ezra in his own car, and Gabriel and Anita just chatting quietly amongst themselves, the lull of the classical radio station tuned in the background.

            Dina’s doing that thing that Ellie likes again, when she traces swirls and patterns and poems into the freckles on Ellie’s skin, and Ellie’s head is resting on Dina’s lap, her body curled up, slightly cramped, across the middle and backseat, dozing in and out. Dina’s hands move to her hair, her fingers running gently through the red strands, twirling them between her thumb and forefingers, tickling her ears, and it’s sending Ellie to sleep. Something buzzes in her pocket, and she pulls out her phone, staring at it bleary eyed. A notification for a new message pops up, and she opens it, not even registering the name on the top of the message at first.

            Dina [8:46pm]: I love you too.

            Green eyes widen, and her neck cranes round to look up at the girl behind her, above her, finding brown eyes with something in them that takes her breath away, leaving her dizzy. Dina’s phone is in her hand, and her smile is shy, but her eyes are ablaze, matching the orange hue across her face. Ellie’s mouth parts open slightly, words failing her, until something pulls her out of the moment. Dina’s face shouldn’t be orange. The sky is pitch black outside.

            “What is that?” Anita’s voice has an edge to it, and Ellie feels the car speeding up, as she rolls back into Dina, hitting her with the impact. She scrambles to sit up, and now Jesse’s awake too. She rolls down the window, head poking out of the car, and what she sees makes her heart drop down into her stomach, a sick feeling taking over her, her hands slick with sweat. 

            Gabriel tears down the road, at an almost dangerous speed considering the snow and ice on the roads, but no one reprimands him, or asks him to slow down. As they get closer to the ranch, she sees it. She fucking hears it. It’s when they pull up into the drive, and they fly out of the car, that everything hits her at once.

            The sound of high-pitched desperate whinnies from horses trapped inside, the crackling of wood, the bright oranges and reds burning tall, ravaging everything in its path. The barn that Ellie has called home for the last four months, the loft in which all of her art, textbooks, clothes, everything rest, is on fire.

            It’s burning to the ground, and Ellie’s running inside.

Chapter Text

Her eyes are streaming, and she can’t breathe, the only sounds audible are the crackling flames and the screams of the horses, coming out strangled and desperate. The smoke hits her lungs instantly, clawing through her rapidly closing throat, her airways full of brimstone. The noises are deafening, yet she heads for them, hands burning on metal, but she unlocks every stable she can. The horses gallop out, whinnying wildly, their legs kicking in every direction, and Ellie makes sure to stay out of their way as they run from the burning building. They say you can only breathe in smoke for a few minutes before passing out, yet Ellie swears she’s close to fainting a few seconds in, but she can’t leave, not yet. 

         She hears her name being called out now, and sirens, or at least what she thinks are sirens, but her ears and ringing and her eyes and nose are streaming, and she can’t quite be sure anymore. A million things are happening at once, and she feels like sandpaper is being pushed down her throat, so she carries on, bringing her flannel up to her nose, shielding her eyes with her other hand as she pushes forward to the end of the barn. Flames rise up in front of her as a beam from the ceiling crashes down onto the floor, mere inches from her feet, and she falls backwards, coughing and spluttering as the ashes hit her face. It’s a struggle to haul herself to her feet, but she’s on them soon enough, unsteadily and she runs to the end of the barn, to Shimmer’s stall. When she gets there, she almost cries; it’s empty. It’s empty. She breathes a sigh of relief, but it comes out in a choked laugh, Shimmer and JJ must still be in the field. She must’ve missed them in her adrenaline, as they’d probably run to the edge of their paddock from the blaze.

         The building’s coming down rapidly now, and it’s definitely sirens Ellie can hear, because they’re getting closer, and she knows it’s incredibly dangerous, but she has to do it. Making a break for it, she takes the stairs two at a time, feet pounding against the wooden planks. She dashes into the loft, the flames rising to the top of the building, and she’s feeling it now; her body is burning up, her clothes sticking to her, her skin ablaze. She can hear cries from outside the house, Dina’s cries, but she ignores them. She’s got about thirty seconds before this whole building goes up into complete flames, and so she grabs the one thing she could never lose; something tucked away deep into one of her sketchbooks, something she’d found herself drawn to in the silent nights when Dina slept beside her, and she stuffs it into her pockets. She doesn’t know why she needs it, but she does, and Ellie knows everything else is beyond repair, and so she doesn’t dwell, but fucking runs for her life.

         “Ellie! Ellie.” Dina runs to her, throwing herself at the taller girl, sobs wracking her body at the sight of Ellie; soot and ash covering her face, scrapes along her arms and legs, her face tear-stained and her eyes bloodshot. “What the fuck were you thinking?” 

         Ellie wasn’t thinking, and when she looks back at the mess behind her, and the mess of the family in front of her, guilt washes over her in waves, suffocating her once again.  

         She was right, though, the fire brigade is here, sirens screaming in her ear, their lights flashing bright along the driveway, and Dina and Ellie move back to join the others. Anita is sobbing, and Gabriel and Ezra are stoic, with tight jaws and tensed bodies. The horses are running into the paddocks, Jesse must’ve opened the gates when Ellie had let all the horses out, and he’s shutting the front gates now after the fire trucks. The horses can be heard over the sound of the flames, and Ellie just has to hope with all of her being that Shimmer and JJ are with them. There’s no way any of these horses are coming back to the ranch house before dawn, and all of them know it, so they just look on, helpless, as the barn burns to the ground. She knows she needs to be strong for Dina, but Ellie can’t help the tears that stream down her face as everything she owns, every single possession, and memory, are destroyed, in cruel flames before her. She knows she needs to be strong, but then it hits her, every sketchbook, every shitty t-shirt, every one of his jackets, every song, every poem she’d ever written or drawn or worn. Gone. Dina holds her as she cries, and tries to hold her up as she falls, but it proves to be a job for all of them, because it wasn’t only Ellie’s things destroyed; Talia’s saddle and bridle were in there too.

~

         They all slept at Ezra’s that night, none of them wanting to be so close to the smoke, thick around the ranch’s expanse. They’d dropped Jesse off on the way and had sat around Ezra’s kitchen table into the early hours of the morning in stressed tones on weary faces.

         “I’ll call the insurance company first thing.” Anita assures her husband, her small, dainty fingers clasped over his large hand. 

         “We won’t get the full amount for the barn, it’s decades old.” Gabriel pulls at his chin, rubbing his face with the pads of his palm and fingers. “All the horses need to be rounded up tomorrow too.”

         “I can help with that.” Ellie chips in, instantly, leaning against the chair Dina has claimed around the table. She’d be lying if she said she didn’t have a personal reason for doing so. “Shimmer wasn’t in the barn, so she must’ve already been out in the paddocks.”

         Ezra looks at her, and then frowns. “Only JJ was in the field, we didn’t see Shimmer.”

         Ellie’s heart freezes, her blood running cold. “What?”

         Dina grips hold of Ellie instantly, her hand coming up to wind around Ellie’s wrist, to keep her grounded, collected. 

         “Her stable was open, I saw it, so she must’ve gotten out. Or she was never brought in. She’s gotta be in the paddocks.”

         Ezra looks at Ellie plainly, letting no hint of emotion seep through, Ellie’s anxiety already radiating off of her in waves, sending signals to every atom in the room. Ellie knows what he’s thinking, but if he fucking says it, she’s scared of what she might do.

         So, he doesn’t, and he leaves it until the morning. “She’ll be there.”

         Dina brings Ellie’s wrist to her mouth and presses a light kiss into it, and all Ellie can do is nod, words taken from her, shock racking her body and taking over her senses. Dina excuses them, planting a kiss goodnight on her parents' heads, and her and Ellie retire to the sofas. You can see the smoke in the distance from the bedroom windows, and Ellie can’t deal with that right now.

         They get into bed, but they don’t say much. Both girls’ just hold onto each other, for reasons each their own, but they don’t let go all night. Nothing either of them can ask or say will bring either girl as much peace as the grounding presence of the other’s touch, of a stroke of fingers through red hair, and a light kiss pressed onto olive skin. They barely sleep through the night, but they feign it for the other one, at least that’s what Ellie thinks. She’s stayed in rooms and dorms with other kids long enough that she knows what a sleeping breath sounds like, and Dina’s not wise enough, or broken enough, to be able to fake it. At one point, Ellie hears a sob, and her arms tighten instinctively. She’s pretty sure she’s let out a few of her own over the course of the night, but her eyes are heavy, and her brain is foggy and it’s messing with her.

         So, when they both wake up, and trudge into the kitchen, it’s not surprising that Anita rushes to them, brushing away the dark circles underneath their eyes with steaming mugs of coffee and plates of eggs, which neither of them touch. 

         “The insurance company was at the ranch this morning.” Gabriel starts, reading a newspaper without really reading it, his mind elsewhere. 

         “What did they say?” Dina stops all pretence of eating her breakfast, slamming her fork down a little too sharply for the early morning. 

         “They’ve managed to salvage some of your belongings Ellie.” Ellie could cry, but the tears won’t come, and her body won’t move. “They can also reimburse us for the most part of the barn’s cost,” he begins, and Dina’s cutting in again before he can continue.

         “Well, that’s a good thing, right?” She’s on the edge of her chair, both palms splayed on the tabletop, but Gabriel looks down at his paper again, before taking a deep breath. Ellie’s own breath stills, and she doesn’t like where he’s taking this.

         “Yes, Dina, it’s good. But they found something.” He clears his throat, biting the bullet, and looks up straight at both girls opposite him. “They found the heater in the barn, and they’re calling it negligence on our part. We’re going to have to come up with the rest, and-”

         His eyes whip to Ellie, and she chokes. “N-no.”

         “Now, Ellie, no-one’s saying-” He knows where her mind is rushing to, where it was always bound to go to, because she destroys everything she touches, and it was only a matter of time before they figured it out.

         “I turned it off. I always turn it off. I didn’t even switch it on yesterday morning, we were out all day, and-” Ellie’s gotten up from her chair now, and Anita’s risen instantly, like a mother sensing fear rising up in a small, frightened child. That’s what Ellie feels like right now, she feels like she’s reverting back to her fourteen-year-old self, the one who was always in fear of being outcast, or never being wanted, and it’s all rushing back to her.

         “Ellie, dear-” Anita starts, reaching a hand out as she makes her way around the table. Ellie can’t even look down to her left, to Dina, who hasn’t said a word, who hasn’t looked up from her plate since Ellie opened her goddamn mouth.

         Ellie looks at Anita now, her eyes pleading, her voice breaking, her face desperate. “I didn’t start it.” She chokes out, tears pricking her eyes. “I didn’t.”

         “Oh, we know, baby. We know.” Anita takes Ellie in her arms, and Ellie lets go.

Sobs wrack her body, and she finds herself letting out everything that never came the night before. She hates it, and it’s awful, because she’s being her most vulnerable, she’s breaking down in front of the people who she’s come to trust most, but it still feels wrong, selfish. Everything that she’s worked for, every wall she’s spent years building, is down, and it’s scaring her, but the sobs won’t stop, they just keep coming, and small arms are around her, and they’re guiding her out of the kitchen, whispering soothing sounds to her.

         She hears whispers far away, and whispers in her ear, and softness behind her calves. Anita pulls her down gently to sit on the couch beside her, and she holds Ellie until every tear is shed, and every sob is drawn. Another indent in the couch, and a strong hand is on her back, dark eyes catching hers.

         “I believe you, Ellie.” Gabriel’s gruff voice has never been more welcome, and Ellie roughly shoves away her tears, nodding helplessly, mute. She’s ashamed of herself for showing weakness, for breaking down like this, but then she remembers the drawings, the songs, the memories in those drawers of hers, most of them lost to the fire, and the thought of responsibility takes her breath away once more. 

         “I didn’t do it.” She sounds like a broken record, stuck on one line, but it’s all she knows how to say, what to do. The defence line was always hers to cross, to protect, and she’s painted it on her skin, thick lines imprinted on every part of her. Dina’s leaning against the doorframe, and Ellie knows she’s hurting because once again, she didn’t let her in, she didn’t show her the bad parts, but she can’t think about that right now. Something else bursts into her mind.

         “Shimmer.” Ellie breathes, the wind knocked out of her yet again. “Did you see her?”

         Gabriel shakes his head, and Ellie can feel her teeth clench, her jaw shake. “We’re about to go out now and round up the horses. Ezra-”

         “I’ll help.” There’s a look in Ellie’s eyes, a way set about her, and Gabriel doesn’t argue. He nods, and that’s the end of it. She doesn’t ask if he wants to be followed when he rises, or when he heads out to Ezra’s stables, but she follows him anywhere, hot on his heels. Dina doesn’t follow. Ezra’s already there, with two tacked up horses, but when he spots Ellie, he disappears into a nearby stall instantly, and emerges with another horse, saddle and bridle donned, and he hands her the reins. It’s a gorgeous horse, brown with white patches, and its eyes are gentle, both of them an icy blue with black dotted through them, unlike any horse Ellie had seen before. 

         “He’s a quarter horse.” Ezra grunts, and scratches the gelding behind its ears. “Real gentle. He’ll take care of you.”

         Ellie eyes up the horse, he looks old, and Gabriel laughs at her expression, looking down at her from atop a much bigger, spritely looking horse.

         “Horses are good sympathisers, Ellie.” She shoots him a look, to which he simply raises an eyebrow. “The amount of nervous energy you have around you now would set any young horse off. You’d be thrown off and no help to anyone.”

         Ellie scoffs, but it’s light, and full of mirth. “Fair enough.”

         “His name’s Bruiser.” Ezra’s on his horse now and making his way towards the field. Ellie looks at the old boy and lets out a small chuckle at the name. She doesn’t doubt he was once a fierce thing, but he’s sweetened in his old age, and she hoists herself up into the saddle gently, careful not to put too much stress on his back. Bruiser starts with a cough, and jogs into a trot as Ellie lightly kicks him on, catching up to the two men in front of them. 

         It’s about an hour until they reach the outskirts of Gabriel’s land, the land still covered in a light white blanket from the early December snow, but Bruiser feels a lot more supple from the ride, and Ellie’s thankful for it. As soon as the trio spot a coloured blur in the distance, Ezra and Gabriel are shooting off, leaving black sludge in their wake. It’s still icy out, and Bruiser slips from excitement, but Ellie holds him upright with the reins, gripping him with her legs to support him, and in no time, he’s hot on their trail. For an old boy, Ellie’s surprised at the speed he gathers, close to being left behind as the sudden amp in pace takes her aback, but she recovers quickly. Shimmer’s not an easy horse to ride, especially not after what Ellie imagines she went through at Seth’s farm, and so she’s used to quirky horses.

         They’re out for a few hours, galloping around the outskirts of acres of land, herding the horses into the middle paddock, Ezra jumping off from his horse to open the gates, and close ones behind them. Ellie’s had some practise with herd work from the cattle drives back in the Autumn, and Bruiser takes to it like a champ, turning on his haunches, and cutting in and out of the horses as they try to escape the herd. It’s fun, and it almost makes her forget about everything that has happened. Almost.

         “Any sign of Shimmer or JJ?” Ellie shouts as Ezra locks the last of the horses into the paddock that overlooks the ranch’s drive. They’ve been at it for a few hours now, but the mare and her foal were nowhere to be seen. Gabriel shakes his head, taking his Stetson off and scratching his scalp underneath, sweat dripping down from his hairline.

         “Let’s take a break, and we’ll carry on looking after.”

         “What? No, we can’t.” Ellie’s instantly tightening on the reins, her chest puffing out, panic rising in it once again. “We need to keep moving, if we split up, we’ll cover the rest in a couple hours-”

         “Ellie.” Gabriel’s voice is stern, and it stops the redhead in her tracks. “Look at the horses, they’re exhausted. They need a drink and some grass.” 

         Ellie looks down at Bruiser, and guilt slicks over her like sweat. Bruiser’s brown coat is white from foam and sweat, even in the cold temperature, and he’s breathing heavily. It makes her feel fucking awful, and she instantly let’s go of the reins, giving the horse his head to bob his head down, stretching out his neck muscles.

         The ranch isn’t far in the distance, and the three of them walk through the paddocks, Ellie trailing behind the two men, when her stomach drops. Smoke rises from the rubble, still ashy from the night before, cars parked outside, and the smell of burnt wood is strong in the air. Ezra jumps down from his horse, making a beeline straight for the hay bales salvaged from the fire, throwing mounds of it over into the paddock for the horses. They’re ravenous after the night without warm food, and they all come thundering over, fighting and nipping one another over the straw. Ellie slides down from her horse, tying up his reins and stirrups, and leaving him to get some of the hay for himself. 

         She doesn’t even spare him a second glance, because outside of the broken barn, is a pile of belongings, some scorched and some survivors, that is awfully familiar to her. Her legs carry her through the paddock, scrambling over the fence and over to the pile, her hands reaching out for the remains. 

         A few textbooks, scorched beyond recognition, melted plastic cases with disks inside, and a trunk, surprisingly unscathed.

“Glass wool.” Gabriel is behind her now, a hand on her shoulder as she runs her hands along the trunk’s surface. “I refurbished part of the attic a few years ago. Thankful for that now.”

Ellie lets out a strangled sob, as her hands fumble, rushing to open the burnt clasp of the box. The scrap of paper she had rescued the night before was burning a hole in her pocket, but she can’t say she’d have done any differently, it’s origin in ashes in the mound beside her. The latch breaks open, the buckle snapping off, and Ellie’s clutching the box when the lid is lifted.

Notebooks, journals are bung inside, their pages scattered, but Ellie’s drawings still clear. She sees glimpses of eyes, hair, wrinkles, and it brings a wave of emotion over her, relief and another feeling she can’t quite place pulling on her joints, weighing her down sweetly. Her hands rummage through the papers, brushing aside stray drawings and pages of rhymes before it settles on something scratchy, something material. Ellie pulls her hand back out of the trunk, gripping the material in it, and her mouth falls open when she spots the object in her hand, something she’d forgotten she’d stuffed in there in a moment of hurt all those months ago. Joel’s workman jacket falls from her fingers, the Sherpa material rough and itchy after the neglect of the last year inside the stuffy trunk. Ellie lets the material slip through her fingers, only to run the pads of them over the jacket.

“I had one like that once. Every great man does.” Ellie had forgotten Gabriel was there, had forgotten this wasn’t a private moment, but she’s not ungrateful for the comment. Joel was an incredible man, and she hated herself for wasting her last moments with him, only left with a jacket in his place. She knows by now they must’ve pieced together a faint picture of her past, or the outline of her story, as she feeds them titbits of information, memories, flashbacks. 

“Try it on.” Gabriel whispers, and Ellie’s head flits up to the older man, his eyes soft. Dina is so incredibly lucky, she thinks to herself, an unexpected pang of jealousy hitting her heart. Scrambling off the floor, shaky legs lift up a thin body, and she’s sliding her hands through the sleeves, pulling the jacket close around her. After a year, it’s lost most of his smell, but she still smells the faint fumes of the workshop, of roasted coffee beans, and it envelops her.

“What’re you drinkin’?”

“Coffee.” He doesn’t even look up from his newspaper, and he knows that it bugs the shit out of the fourteen-year-old standing in front of him. It’s a quiet day at the shop, and Ellie’s been tiptoeing around the older man all day. He’s been ready to blow at her ever since she got here. True, she’s not the politest kid, and she’s got a lot of growing up to do, but it’s more the fact she reminds him of what he’s lost, even if she doesn’t know it.

“Will you quit-” Green eyes bore into his, and he lets out a deep, exasperated sigh. “Did you wanna try some?” 

Those same eyes widen, two perfectly arched eyebrows lifting into the heavens, and she sleuths forward to stand in front of the counter, the air around her different to any day before. Joel’s perturbed by it, the kid’s usually full of quips and curse words, dirty jokes, and cackles, but today she looks like a lost puppy, quiet and cautious. Although, now she’s closer, the dark bruise blooming under her right eye is painfully visible, and shame pulls at his neck, sinking back into his shoulders, clicking out every bone in them. Sometimes he forgets she’s got it tough, living in the hellhole St Mary’s, and not just a spoiled brat from one of the wealthy neighbourhoods further out. He offers out his cup, sliding it across the counter, and small hands take it gingerly, like they’re scared he’s going to snatch the mug back.

“Oh my god, that’s fucking gross.” Ellie’s small nose is scrunched up, her eyebrows furrowed forward, her eyes clenched. She looks like she’s straining to take a huge dump, and Joel’s surprised that he barks out a laugh. It’s been a while since he’s let out one of those.

“It’s an acquired taste, that’s for sure.” He chuckles, and it’s deep in his throat.

“Acquired taste, my ass.” She hands the cup back to him, eyeing it up like it’s the devil’s nectar, and the sight is one for sore eyes. He happily takes a huge gulp, the young girl still eyeing him up like he’ll explode on her, but they settle into a silence once again, but it’s not uncomfortable. This crossword puzzle is beating his ass, and his cheap glasses aren’t helping anyone, but Ellie’s peering over his shoulder, and her voice rings out clear.

“47 is Titiana.”

Joel starts, his head whipping to look at her, and then back at the puzzle.

47, 7 down, The Queen in A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

“How in the hell did you know that?” He marvels, scribbling the letters down the column. Ellie shrugs, her fingers fiddling with the handle of his mug, but he doesn’t say anything. 

“We learnt it in English class last year.”

“They make you go to class in that place?” Joel doesn’t know why he’s surprised, she’s about Sarah’s age, and he faintly remembers helping her with her homework, even after all those years.

“Well, duh,” Ellie grins, “I’m an orphan but I’m not illiterate.”

Joel does choke on his coffee then, having just brought it up to his lips, and Ellie stares at him with wide eyes, as he chokes back laughter. She’s instantly on edge again, and he doesn’t blame her, not with the way he’s been with her the last few months. He never wanted to hire anyone, let alone her, in the first place and he didn’t bother to hide it. Feeling guilty about that now.

She helps him with the rest of his crossword until it’s time to close up shop, and Joel’s pleasantly surprised at the girl. Her first words to him were “fuck you” and so he’d written her off as a troublemaker, a fucked-up kid, but this afternoon had been… different. He was pretty sure he’d laughed a few times, Ellie pulling up a chair beside him, and she’d let go of the breath she’d been holding, whether she realised she was holding it close to her chest or not. 

They close quickly, both of them working through this strange turn of events and channelling it into their tasks. Joel steals a glance at the young Ellie, but what he finds breaches through the walls he’s built around his heart more than anything else ever has done before.

Her shoulders are sagged, her eyes are clouded, and he can see the reflection of St Mary’s in them. The light is dim in the shop now, the night outside cold and dark, and the purple in the bloom around her eye shadows over her face. He has no doubt in his mind what waits for her when she gets back, and so, he does something that neither of them would ever have expected.

“I know it’s Sunday, and you don’t usually work Sunday’s, but I've got some jobs I need to do around the shop if... if you want to come in tomorrow.”

She’s spinning on her heels, drawing in a sharp breath, searching his expression for any sense of malice, or disingenuity. Her eyes are so wide, he sees blonde where red lies, and he has to clear his throat, look down at the floor, break the contact.

“Y-yeah, sure.” A small reply. “Only if you get something for me to drink that isn’t going to burn my taste buds off.” A bolder one.

He chuckles and switches off the light in the back room.

“Deal.”

         They’ve got her belongings, or what’s left of them, packed up in bags hanging from their saddles, weight spread evenly between the three of them, and they’ve set out again in search of the mare and the foal. The jacket’s weighing Ellie down, but it’s warm, and it smells like freshly cut wood. It’s helping, her head clearer than it has been all morning. They search for another few hours, but they come back with nothing. Anita had said they’d seen JJ in the field, but Ellie’s beginning to think they imagined it, because there’s no trace of them anywhere, nothing to track them by, no evidence of them ever even existing. Ellie’s angry by the end of the ride, angry at herself, angry at the world, and it’s setting Bruiser off, his ears twitching, his legs jogging sideways across the open fields.

         “This isn’t working!” Ezra shouts, the wind picking up around them, their line of sight becoming fainter as the snow is lifted by the strong gusts. “I can’t see anything.”

         “We have to keep looking!” Ellie shouts back, refusing to give up, to believe that they’re gone, that they’re not just a few miles further. “We still haven’t looked up by Seth’s farm.”

         “The wind is getting too strong for the horses, Ellie.” Gabriel’s right, because Ellie can feel Bruiser struggling uphill, his legs fumbling to keep a grip on the incline. “We have to go back.”

         “Fuck.” Ellie curses to herself, and is readying herself to argue back, but one look at the expressions on the two men’s faces, and the eyes of the horses, and she knows she can’t. They’ve done so much for her already, and she can feel their hunger and exhaustion from here. Reluctantly, she nods, defeated. Tomorrow will have to do.

~

         Thin fingers trace over harsh pencil markings, scratched over eyes and facial features. She hadn’t been able to draw Joel’s eyes for a long time after the accident and looking at the lines scrawled across the coarse pages pulls at her insides. She’d made a beeline for the shower when they’d gotten back to Ezra’s, untacking Bruiser with lightning speed and making a run for the stairs. She’d stayed there for longer than she cared to admit, washing away the tingling in her veins, replacing it with lead, pulling down on her bones, making her feel heavy. Dina hasn’t come up to see her, and she knows it’s nothing to be worried about, but they’ve barely spoken since they held each other the night before. Ellie knows that they’re just giving each other space, but she can’t tell whether or not it’s actually what they need.

         Like magic, fingertips ghost over her shoulders, lips tickle her exposed neck, a nose tickling red still-damp hair. Ellie leans back into the touch, not bothering to shut the old drawings. She hadn’t even heard Dina come in, her back to the door, sat on the bed, her head in another world.

         “Whatcha got there?” Dina peers over her shoulder, pressing firm kisses into Ellie’s clavicle, arms snaking round her ribcage from behind. Ellie hesitates for a moment, whether to show her, or to stuff them away out of the light for another year. But Dina’s seen them already, and Ellie’s thankful for it, because she knows she wouldn’t have had the courage to show this part of herself on her own. “Is that Joel?”

         Ellie nods, her fingers still tracing along the rough paper, but they’re steadier when Dina slots her fingers through her freckled ones. Dina gently lifts their hands to turn the pages back a few, and she stops when it lands on a sketch that fills Ellie’s heart up. On the page is Joel with a cowboy hat made with light and dark lines, and a dinosaur face behind him.

         “I get the cowboy hat, but the alien behind him has me stumped. Were you guys obsessed with cowboys versus aliens or something?” Dina asks, and Ellie hates that her puzzlement is genuine.

         “Hey,” Ellie feigns indignation, but a grin cracks through. “It’s a dinosaur, not an alien. We went on a camping trip for my sixteenth birthday, and there was a museum not far from where we stayed. It was awesome.”

         “It’s called a Hat-o-Saur.” Ellie grins, her teeth on display. Joel just shakes his head, pinching his nose with his fingers, but a guffaw escapes his lips anyway. She knows he loves her being a goofy shit, even if he acts like it’s the most annoying thing in the world.

         “Right, okay.” 

         Little giggles come from her left, and two pairs of small eyes stare up at her, as she leaps up to take the hat from the dinosaur model, making sure no security guards are looking her way. The Mother isn’t paying attention to the twins, but to their older sibling who is posing for a photo besides the triceratops. Joel isn’t looking at her either, and so she takes the opportunity to sneak up behind him, using her incredible stealth skills, to place the cowboy hat on his head. The sound he makes is one of the most embarrassing things Ellie has ever heard, and she bursts out into laughter, small chimes joining her as the twins behind her see the indignation coming from the older man. He reaches to take the hat off, before spotting their audience, and opts to cross his arms instead, shooting a stare at Ellie, the hat tipping down onto his face. She knows she’s got him here.

         “Hey. My birthday, my rules, old man.”

         “That’s cute.” Dina grins, pressing more kisses into Ellie’s shoulder, trailing them up her neck, behind her ear, on her cheek. Ellie will never get tired of Dina’s kisses. 

         “Hey, hey, focus.” Ellie scolds, and she forgets about everything for a second, turning the pages further back, to a drawing of Tommy and Joel, both with chef aprons on, wielding carving knives. “This was thanksgiving together, the first at Tommy and Maria’s. Joel got so jealous,” she laughs, remembering the way in which both men tried to assert their dominance, and Ellie and Maria had ended up carving the turkey and serving up the dinner themselves, the two men dumbfounded when they realised, they’d been shown up.

         “This is what happens, little brother, when you try and show me up.”

         “They showed you up too, Joel.”

         Dina chuckles, and it vibrates low in Ellie’s ear, sending shockwaves through her. 

         “They sound amazing.” Dina muses, and Ellie lets her head fall back gently onto Dina’s shoulder, her eyes trained on the ceiling. She swears she can see the three of them in the swirls of the paint above her.

         “Yeah, they were.”

         “Would you draw them for me sometime?”

         Ellie tilts her head, settling it to look up into Dina’s eyes, her nose brushing lightly against Dina’s cheek. Every day, Ellie is taken aback by her, by the way her eyes shine whenever she looks at Ellie, and the way they fucking glow in certain lights. She’s taken aback by the immense kindness in the girl, that she knows she’s entirely undeserving of, except maybe she’s starting to think that’s not true anymore. She lifts her head from Dina’s shoulder, and their mouths find their way to each other. The kiss is so painfully sweet, Ellie feels something twist and contract inside her, a deep affection coursing through her, rising up for the girl opposite her, on her mouth. She really loves her; she really fucking does. 

         Dina’s hands dance across Ellie’s face, tracing the swarms of freckles that dot her skin. Ellie’s hands are preoccupied, still clutching onto the sketchbooks, but her body twists to reach more of Dina, the angle uncomfortable, her chest jutting out at a painful angle, but she doesn’t care. Dina breaks away, and her hand brushes away a small escaping tear, running down Ellie’s left cheek, that she hadn’t even realised was there. Her hand comes to rest around Ellie’s neck, and she presses a rough kiss onto her forehead, like they’ve been reunited, like she’s never going to let go. The way Dina stares into Ellie’s eyes makes her feel so vulnerable, entirely on display for her love to see, but the redhead stares back. Dina smiles, and it’s full of hope.

         “We’re gonna find her. I promise. Now, will you come downstairs with me?

         Ellie nods, and they go.

~

         Ellie had smelt the waft of cooking coming from Ezra’s kitchen, and she’d heard the faint music as she walked down the stairs, but what she hadn’t expected to see was the scene laid out in front of her. On the dining room table is an incredible spread of foods that Ellie has come to know and love, plus others. Plates of latkes, rugelach, and sufganiyah, which she found out later were jelly filled donuts, covered in sugar and cinnamon. There’s beef and cranberry brisket, steam wafting from the top, filling Ellie’s nose with the sweet smell, and her mouth water. The table is adorned with beautiful gold-rimmed wine glasses, china cutlery and a grand candelabra with nine candles above it, the menorah, all on top of a deep navy tablecloth.

         “Wha-?” Ellie turns round to Dina standing one step behind her, her mouth open, and the darker haired girl just laughs, a wicked gleam in her eye. “It’s Hanukkah?”

         “No one wanted to stress you out even further Ellie, not with…” She sees the expression on Ellie’s face, and quickly brushes over it, and her eyes are soft. “Happy Hanukkah.”

         Ellie’s mouth is wide open now, she could catch flies with it, and she takes Dina’s hand, pulling her gently down the rest of the stairs, and then the smaller girl takes the lead, guiding Ellie through Ezra’s hallways to the kitchen, where they’re met with business, and Anita giving out orders, the men dutifully doing their part of serving up dishes and taking out plates.

         Anita spots the two girls instantly, her face brightening up, her eyes glistening, and she hands them both a small glass chalice each, both rimmed with golden flowers, filled with sweet-smelling, milky liquid.

         Ellie lifts up the glass to her nose, taking in a small whiff of the drink, and it makes both mother and daughter suppress a giggle at her.

         “It’s a family recipe.” Anita explains, pouring the others a glass before serving herself one. “When Dina was younger, we would give her chocolate coins to mark the first night of Hanukkah. Now, we have this. Drink.”

         Ellie isn’t one to wait around when given an order regarding food, and she takes a small, tentative sip. Aside from the burning from which she recognises instantly as strong-ass vodka, it’s got a sweet kick to it, and Anita tells her it’s a rich chocolate liqueur mixed with potato vodka, as well as gold flecks thrown in. 

         “What’s the deal with all the gold?” Ellie asks after another sip, and then cringes at her own tone. Anita just laughs, handing Ezra a glass as he walks back into the kitchen. He thanks her gracefully. 

         “Hanukkah celebrates the brave Jewish soldiers who rededicated the second temple, and the sacred oil that miraculously burned for eight days.” Anita explains, as she swats away hands reaching for latkes, Dina, and Ezra clearly not as sneaky as they think.

         “The gold, gelt, is just tradition, almost as a token of prosperity for all of the Jewish cities and communities affected by the attacks. It’s sort of a nod to our heritage, and- will you stop?” Ellie grins as Dina cradles the hand just slapped away by her Mother, her eyes full of mock betrayal. Ellie takes another sip of her cocktail and it warms her inside. She feels guilty for not knowing about any of this, no wonder Dina had stayed behind today, but she knows a lot has been going on. Her expression is a faraway one, it’s cold outside and she can’t help but think of Shimmer and JJ all alone out there. She knows the wind outside makes it impossible to go out looking for them, not to mention the sun is setting, but it doesn’t stop her from feeling guilty. Anita places a hand on her shoulder, and squeezes, and Ellie is grateful for it. The timing of this holiday couldn’t be worse, with Dina’s show and the fire, but she’s amazed at the resilience of Dina’s family, of how they constantly pull through, support each other, and prop one another up. They’ve done it for her countless times, and she knows she has to at least try and do the same for them. Anita struggles with a large dish out of the oven, and Ellie instantly is at her side, glass propped on the counter, gently taking the oven gloves from Anita’s hands and straining, picking up the hot dish with care.

         “Where do you want it?” She asks, and Anita smiles at her, pride in her eyes.

         “Follow Ezra, he’ll show you.”

         Ellie and Ezra make their way out of the kitchen, arms laden with hot dishes and laughing as they hear Anita gasp, exasperated.

         “Dina!”

         Anita and Dina follow not long after, Dina carrying their drinks on a small tray, and Anita with a big box, setting it down onto one of the lamp tables, before joining everyone at the table. No one has sat down yet, and Ellie had taken that as something important, so she’d stayed standing, and keeps her drink clutched in her hand as Dina passes it to her. Shimmer pops into her mind when she sees roasted carrots on the table, and she quickly pushes down the bile rising in her throat, as Gabriel starts speaking.

         “Ezra, care to do the honour?” He addresses his brother, who smiles and reaches out to Dina, beckoning her over to him. Dina hands her glass to Ellie to hold and joins her uncle on the other side of the table. He has a long, rustic lighter in his hand, and she places her small hand on top of his large one, and they light the first candle together, the far left, on the Menorah, in the middle of the table. It’s gorgeous, and Ellie finds her gaze glued to the flame for a second, unable to process anything else but the flickering, and the way the light dances along their faces. She wants to draw it, which scares her, because the only time she’s picked up a pencil is in the middle of the night, and her sketches haven’t seen daylight in the better part of a year. She’s going to draw it. 

         Anita’s arm has come to rest around Ellie now, and Ellie’s side is drawn close into the sweet smell of chamomile, and she smiles. She’s a part of this now.

         “Wait, where’s Jesse?” she asks, her expression puzzled.

         For the second time tonight, Ellie finds herself stunned, because the doorbell rings out a small hymn, and Anita rushes to open the door. The stomping of ungraceful boot-clad feet echoes throughout the house, and a deep voice rumbles, and Ellie finds herself running towards Jesse as soon as he enters the threshold of the dining room.

         “Jesus-” he starts, but his arms go around Ellie pretty quickly, and he squeezes tight. It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours since she’d seen him last, but she finds herself less on edge than she had been ten minutes ago. He’s her closest tie to Shimmer.

         “Happy Hanukkah.” She whispers, and extracts herself, cheeks burning.

         “Happy Hanukkah, you big sap.” Jesse grins, and graciously accepts a glass of gelt from Anita, coming to join the others around the table. Ellie slots herself between Dina and Jesse, and they all take their seats. It feels almost like the first dinner they all had together, because they all join hands, and Ezra recites a prayer, followed by Gabriel, which Dina quietly translates for Ellie and Jesse. It’s gorgeous, and it’s everything Ellie has never experienced before, with talk of the universe and ancestors and miracles, and she’s enraptured by them. When it’s time to eat, Ellie simply can’t eat enough.

         “The menorah is as gorgeous as ever, Anita.” Jesse says between mouthfuls, and Anita thanks him, spilling her secrets on how she gets the gold to shine just so, and of her family heirlooms. Ellie smiles to herself as she listens, and a small pressure splays over her knee, Dina’s hand squeezing gently. Ellie loops her own fingers over Dina’s and squeezes back. The food is incredible, just as Anita’s always is, with sweet yet tart cranberries with beef pairing, baked onions and carrots, rich red-wine infused sauces, and Ellie would be lying if she said she didn’t have eyes way bigger than her stomach when it came to dessert. Dina had made rugelach with brown sugar, cinnamon, raisins, and they were so fucking good that Ellie polished off around four. In her defence, they were tiny. What she couldn’t justify was the jelly filled donut she’d eaten, and the extra one she’d split with Jesse. Her stomach is filled to the brim, and Ellie feels like she’s going to explode, but she’s not the only one, both Dina and Jesse are on either side of her, writhing in pain from their own doing. She can only laugh at the sight of the three of them, but they gather themselves and clean up the table for the adults. It helps to relieve her stomach only a tiny bit, but it helps, nonetheless. 

         “Ezra, do you still have the dreidel? I wanna show Ellie.” Dina asks when they get back into the dining room, and she kisses her Mother’s forehead as she sits down next to her. Anita nods, her smile bright, agreeing with the idea.

         “What a wonderful idea!” Gabriel booms. Ellie thinks this is the most intoxicated she’s ever seen him, and he’s barely flushed. God knows the vodka has gone to her head already.

         Ezra excuses himself to leave the room, and emerges minutes later with a small contraption, a small spinning top, carved from delicate wood, Hebrew letters etched onto each of the four sides.

         “What did you say it was? A dray-del?” Ellie asks, eyeing up the small wooden toy.

         “A dreidel. It means ‘great miracle.’” Dina corrects, eyes crinkling. “When I was a kid, we used to play to win gelt. You spin the top, and on each of the sides are the words whole, half, nothing and so on.” 

         “Gelt? So you won… something gold?” Ellie asks, trying to make sense of it all. 

         “Chocolate coins.” Gabriel interjects. “But Dina got too old to be interested.”

         Dina just rolls her eyes, before an idea pops into her brain like a coiled spring. “Let’s gamble for the last of Ma’s gelt martini.”

         Ellie watches as the parents laugh, taken aback by the brazen idea. Ezra’s all for it, though, and since he’s the host, Dina’s suggestion becomes reality. They play for a few hours, spinning the top and constantly pouring liquid into each other’s glasses, only to have it stolen back, or in Anita’s case, have it stolen in the forms of sips from her sneaky daughter. Ellie doesn’t think it would’ve been possible to laugh like this under the circumstances, but her stomach feels rock hard, and her cheeks ache from the strain of laughter. Finally, Dina wins, but ever the graceful winner, she splits her winnings with everyone in the room, and they all toast their last drink to each other. To family.

         “To finding Shimmer.” Ezra adds, his solemn voice a stark contrast from the jovial tones just moments ago, and the room hushes. Ellie can feel eyes on her, and she swallows, holding up her glass, her eyes steel. 

         “To Shimmer. And to JJ.”

         They’ve all retired to the couches, the dishwashers loaded with the night’s dishes, the leftovers wrapped up tight in the fridge, their bellies full. Dina had made herbal tea for everyone, but the men were on nightcaps. Flames blazed in the fireplace, and they flicker all around the room, illuminating the lamp-lit room. Ezra’s telling a story of his ancestors, and Ezra’s joining in with comical voices, and the room is filled with laughter. The single flame from the Menorah is beside them, having been brought in by Anita, watching over them all.

         “Now, this has only become a tradition since we had young Dina,” Gabriel musses the top of Dina’s hair, her head leaning against his leg from her seat on the floor, and he looks to Ellie. “But each year we exchange a small present each night of Hanukkah.”

         “Or one big one.” Dina butts in. “I got the coolest bridle one year.”

         “O-kay.” Ellie laughs, but turns back to Gabriel, who is being handed the box from earlier by Anita and undoing the lid. He hands out a small gift to each of them. One by one they open theirs, and Anita has a small pearl mirror, Dina has a pair of gorgeous leather riding gloves, Jesse a golden keychain, with a small, adorned bottle opener, and Ezra has a box of expensive-looking cigars. They’re all classy gifts, and Ellie marvels at them all. She’s empty-handed, but she barely notices, instead taking the moment to take it all in. Dina hands out hers, and she’s made them all small trinkets out of old bridles and metal, Anita gorgeous earrings from the real marbles on one of Japan’s bridles, Ezra has a keyholder made from old horseshoes and she hands her Father a plaque, with Isha’s first ever mouth bit-bar hung up on it. They’re all beautiful thoughtful gifts, and Anita’s hands out hers; nostalgic games or sweet treats from their childhoods, and a bottle of good rum for Jesse. Jesse just gives one present for all of them, and it’s a set of gorgeous metal napkin rings, which Anita fawns over, and Ellie marvels over how intricate their metalwork is. She’s noticing the thoughtfulness of these gifts, the personal feel they have to them and it reminds her of Joel, and the years of shitty wooden figures she’d slaved away for weeks before Christmas, or weirdly composed songs with simple lyrics, only for him to absolutely adore them, because they came from her.

         Eyes are all turned to her now, and she realises that she’s being addressed.

         “We know you probably celebrate Christmas, and you know that we do not, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t combine the two for you.” Gabriel says, and Ellie arches an eyebrow as Anita saunters out of the room, Dina scrambling after her.

         “I’m so sorry, I had no idea, I haven’t got you guys anything.” She blurts out. She’s aware that she hasn’t received anything either, but she didn’t expect it, nor did she want anything. To be a part of the evening was more than she could ever have asked for, but apparently the family that surrounds her have different ideas. Gabriel simply waves her away, letting out a deep-bellied chuckle as the two women come back into the room, and what Ellie sees takes the floor out from beneath her, her chest puffing out, drawing in a sharp breath.

         In their hands is something so familiar to her, yet something so far away in her mind she wouldn’t have remembered it for a long time, but now that she’s seeing it, tears are pricking her eyes. Dina’s holding a shape of deep chestnut wood, the waxed edges glinting in the low light, the sturdy, silver strings screaming out to her, and the engraving of a moth identical to the one etched onto her arm laying in the top corner of the guitar’s handle.

         “How did you…?” Ellie chokes back a sob, her hand coming up to make a fist at her mouth. Dina’s hands transform into Joel’s, the room lighting up, the smell of machinery and the scratching of unvarnished wood all enveloping her. 

         “If you want it, it’s yours.”

         “Wait, are you fucking kidding me? But this guitar is your baby.”

         Joel laughs, his eyes trained on the figure in front of him, his hands steady as he carves out a pair of majestic antlers on the wooden statue. It’s taking on the outline of a stag, and Ellie has spent countless hours watching the process. He hasn’t let her near one of the machine’s yet, but she can feel her moment is coming soon, and she’s ready for it.

         “Nah, I’ve been meaning to finish the one I started making. This’ll motivate me. She’s yours. But I added a small detail for you.”

         Ellie runs her hands over the guitar and feels the groove in the wood under her small fingers, running her hand over a small moth carved into the head of the guitar.

         “Hey, didn’t I draw this for you last year?”

         Her head snaps up to Joel, who’s eyes haven’t left the Stag statue, but there’s a soft tug of his mouth, and Ellie just watches him. Careful not to disturb the moment, she looks back down at the wood in her hands, heart bursting, and plays.

         “I remembered you told me about the guitar, and the moth. I took a photo of your tattoo when you weren’t looking.” Dina smiles bashfully, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear.

         “This is- This is incredible.” Dina hands Ellie the guitar, and it slots into her hands like a missing puzzle piece, the chords going through her head like clockwork. She strums on the strings, the guitar already perfectly in tune, and she breathes in deeply, savouring the weight of the instrument in her grip. 

         “Will you play for us?” Anita’s voice is soothing, and Ellie meets eyes with her. The older woman’s face is full of pure warmth, and Dina gives her a nod of encouragement when her eyes shift to the girl. A steadying breath, and a flex of her fingers is all she needs, because she knows exactly what to play. The chords become their own, it’s not a full sound, not from the way she’s holding up the strings, but it’s a lilting, mellow sound, and she starts slow at first. The notes come out quiet, her thumb and index fingers plucking lightly between them. The flickering of the flames of the fireplace in front of her, the light shadowing over her face, and the crackling of the wood provide her with a foundation. And she sings.

         “Oh when shall I see Jesus and reign with him above,

And from the flowing fountain drink everlasting love,

Oh had I wings I would fly away and be at rest,

And I'd praise God in his bright abode.”

The room is silent, until she hears another melody chime in. Next to her is Ezra with a guitar of his own, she hadn’t even realised he’d left the room, but he plucks at his guitar strings, tuning them as he plays. This was one of Joel’s favourite songs, and she has no doubt in her mind that Ezra knows it well, so she carries on. What surprises her is when he hums and sings in a low tone below her.

         “Whene'er you meet with troubles and trials on your way,

Cast all your cares on Jesus and don't forget to pray,

Oh, had I wings I would fly away and be at rest,

And I'd praise God in his bright abode.”

Ellie plays the tune, while Ezra takes over, with intricate beats and chords over the top of her, both guitars filling up the room with their melodies, both of them filled with everything Ellie could never say, but everything she felt.

         “Gird on the gospel armor of faith and hope and love,

And when the combat's ended he'll carry you above,

Oh had I wings I would fly away and be at rest,

And I'd praise God in his bright abode.”

Ellie’s voice is as sweet as ever, if a little bit freer than normal from the alcohol, but she feels it in the pit of her stomach, everything coming out in her voice. Ezra playing with her, matching her speed, slowing down to her pace, or quickening his strings, is propelling her deeper into the music, and it feels like just the two of them are in the room. Ellie hadn’t realised he was so talented, but it makes sense. The next verse is high, and Ellie’s voice is breathy, but Ezra’s voice below her octave grounds her, adding small runs of his own. His voice is eerily similar to Joel’s when he sings, the slight twang in it pricking at her eyes.

“Oh, do not be discouraged for Jesus is your friend,

And if you lack for knowledge he'll not refuse to lend,

Oh had I wings I would fly away and be at rest,

And I'd praise God in his bright abode.”

When she puts down the guitar, she’s pushed forward by Ezra, his hand clapping at her shoulder, his mouth tugging at one side. She thinks he’s proud, or at least impressed, because he carries on playing as the others clap, experimenting with the chords and keys.

         “It’s been a while since I’ve played with someone like that.” He says, and Ellie grins at him. Turning to Dina, she’s met with watery eyes, and is barrelled over with force as the younger girl wraps herself around Ellie. 

         “That was so beautiful.” She whispers, and Ellie buries her face into the crook of her neck, holding her close. When Dina pulls away, Ellie smirks at her, until her face drops.

         “I can’t accept this. I don’t have anything to give back to you.”

         Jesse, ever graceful, just snorts at her. “You already played the damn thing, man, no take backs. We all pitched in to get it.”

         Ellie nods, her brows knitted, until her mouth forms an ‘oh’ and her eyebrows are in her hairline. Without another word, she’s running out of the room, and up the stairs. Rummaging through the little belongings she has, her hands find a small piece of folded up paper, slightly torn from the hasty journey it had the night of the fire, and she holds it close to her chest. She stands upright, straightening out her slumped shoulders, heart galloping, and she makes her way outside. She’s met with wide eyes, varying expressions, and she lets out a breath.

         “I couldn’t draw for so long, and then one night, I just started.”

         Her arms are folded, her head is hung, but she makes her way to come and sit in front of Dina and her parents, and hands them the paper she’s clutching. Dina takes it gently, unfolding the small mound gently, careful not to tear it anymore. When it’s opened, and three pairs of eyes sweep over it, a gasp escapes Dina’s mouth, and her eyes find Ellie’s.

         “This is beautiful.” 

In her hands lies charred marks across a page, smudges resembling textures, a mural of eyes and hairs and details. Japan stares back at her, his eyes full of stories, his stance full of grace, and his anatomy made of rushed charcoal strokes on paper. Anita takes the drawing, one hand feather over the paper, and the other comes to rest on her chest. Gabriel peers over her shoulder, and Ellie feels vulnerable, exposed. The lines vary from rough and dark to light and soft, and Ellie knows it’s not her best work, but it’s the most she could manage.

“I saved it from the fire.” Ellie lets out a breath, both full of mirth and devoid of humour, wringing out her hands. “Don’t ask me why.” 

“Thank you.” Dina’s voice is incredibly soft, almost like she’s scared of shattering the moment, and Ellie meets her eyes, and something goes unsaid between them, but they both feel it. 

“Okay, there is way too much emotion in the room for me. I say we play a few more folk songs.” Jesse interrupts, and it elicits chuckles from the rest of them. “I’m guessing I’m staying here, Ez? We’ve all had a drink.”

“You know where the spare room is.” Ezra grunts, and Jesse pats him on the back. They don’t get to play any more songs, or start any new conversations, though, because a phone is ringing in the background. Ezra’s landline, and he’s up in a flash to answer it.

“Gabe, it’s for you.”

Ellie’s instantly on edge, and the second Gabriel picks up the phone, the rest of the room is too, listening in. She knows it’s to do with the fire as soon as his voice takes on a serious tone, and his body stiffens instantly. He’s got the phone balanced between his shoulder and his ear, and he’s twisting his wedding ring round on his finger. Ellie does the same with her hands when she’s at a loss for what else to do, and she’s praying with every fibre of her being that it’s not bad news, or about Shimmer.

“I understand. Okay, thank you. Keep in touch.”

He presses the phone down onto the receiver, and swivels round on the spot, scratching at his chin as he makes his way over to the rest of them. 

“That was the insurance company.” He stares straight at Ellie, and she feels her throat close up. “The good news is that they took the heater in for analysis, and the switch was off, there was no way the fire could’ve been started by the heater.”

Ellie’s whole body relaxes, and Dina reaches for her instantly, her grip strong. Gabriel collapses down onto the sofa, and Ellie knows that isn’t all there is to it.

“Unfortunately, now without that as a theory, they’re suspecting foul play, and they need to make sure it’s on our side. They’re opening up an investigation. We could lose everything.”

“ What? Are you fucking serious? Why would we burn down our own barn, and endanger our own horses?” Dina fumes, and no one scolds her for her cursing. 

“The barn is old,” Jesse starts, and holds his hands up when Dina shoots daggers at him. “What I’m saying is, it’s not unheard of for people to burn down their own properties in the interest of big insurance pay-outs. They’ve probably gotta cover their asses.”

“Seth.”

Every eye in the room is on her, and Ellie’s fucking kicking herself, because her mind should have thought of this in the first place, it should have fucking known. 

“Ellie-” Jesse starts.

“ No. Think about it.” She’s on her knees now, back straight, guitar to the side. “It wasn’t the heater, right? Those wires wouldn’t have faulted on their own. I know bad wiring, the whole care home was a fire hazard, and the barn’s wiring was fine. Don’t you find it weird that it happened once Ezra had returned the horses, and left? That it happened on the day of Dina’s show? That Shimmer is missing? JJ too?”

Light bulbs go off in their eyes, an uneasy aura washing over the room, and Ellie continues. “You guys said you sorted him out, right? Roughed him up a little?”

“I bet he didn’t like that.” Jesse muses, and Ezra and Gabriel exchange looks.

“She’s right, you know.” Ezra interjects. “Who else would have the motive? When I left, we couldn’t have been gone more than a couple hours. Who would have the time to start a fire of that size, and be out of the way that quickly? And who else would’ve known that Shimmer had a foal?”

“ Fuck.” The swear doesn’t come from Dina, or Jesse, but Gabriel, and it’s shocking.

“Say you’re right,” Dina looks at Ellie, and then to her Father. “How would we prove it?”

“We’d have to find proof of a motive, we’d-” Gabriel starts.

“We’d have to find Shimmer.” Ellie finishes.

The older man nods at Ellie, and Dina sighs, her hand still on Ellie’s arm. Everyone is silent, the tension in the room could be cut by a knife, and Ellie can’t take it anymore. She jumps up, startling the people around her.

“ Ellie.” Gabriel warns, and she’s never heard this tone from him, at least not directed at her, but she can’t help herself. She feels her survival mode, ingrained into the depths of her DNA from years in Seattle, rise up through her. 

“I’ve gotta go get her. I can’t leave her there with him. You saw how he treated her; you saw her when we first found her. We can’t abandon her.” Ellie’s voice is fierce, and Gabriel rises to meet her now, towering over her.

“And we won’t . But she’s safe for now, at least we know where she is.”

Ellie scoffs, shaking her head. “Sure, she’s safe until he sells her to an auction, or God forbid, a slaughterhouse. We might as well be putting the bullet in her head ourselves.” She tries to barge past the older man, but he sees it coming, grabbing hold of her shoulders.

“What are you going to do, Ellie? Barge in there, steal back his horse?”

“She’s not his horse.” Ellie blocks his arm, anger boiling over. She’s a picture of the angry kid she was five years ago, and she hates it, but she can’t lose Shimmer. She can’t lose anyone else. Gabriel looks in her eyes, and the anger melts away from his, his voice sad. She sees pity clear across his face, and she hates that even more.

“He owns a shotgun, Ellie. He’s licensed. You’ll get yourself killed.”

Light fingers are brushing her arm, and she knows Dina’s there, cooling her down. A classic cease and desist. Ellie backs down, the happy feeling she had just moments ago gone. The evening’s over, ending on a sour, yet bittersweet note. She’s safe, Shimmer’s safe, and Ellie can only pray that JJ’s with her. She’s not a religious person, but she’s going to ask Dina to say a prayer for them both tonight. Hell, she might even say one herself.

“Now, listen. Let’s sleep on it, clear our heads. We can talk about what to do tomorrow, and how to do it smart. Okay?” Gabriel asks, and when Ellie doesn’t respond, he repeats himself. They stare at each other for a few moments, neither of them backing down, before Ellie reluctantly nods. Dina is quick to pull the red-head away, kissing her parents and Ezra goodnight, but Jesse stops her before she goes upstairs.

“Don’t do anything stupid.” He murmurs under his breath, and Ellie sneers, before he grabs her arm and pulls her close again. “I’m serious.”

She doesn’t like this trend, but she knows they see the fire in her. Fire is dangerous when it’s left untamed, and Lord knows she wouldn’t be here in the first place if she didn’t have her fair share of it. Ellie nods once, and Jesse doesn’t look convinced, but she doesn’t care. Dina pulls her up the stairs, and she doesn’t look back.

~

In her defence, she’d really, really wanted to just go to sleep.

She’d asked Dina to say a prayer for them, and Dina had been so touched by it that Ellie had sidled up beside her, arms wrapped around the smaller girl’s waist, with the sole intention of burying herself into Dina’s neck and finding respite there. She’d tried to slow her breathing when Dina whispered the prayer to her again, and she’d tried to slow it down even further when Dina’s own breath evened out, but she had found herself lying awake, facing upwards, pictures of Shimmer and JJ scared, frightened, alone projecting onto the ceiling. Ellie had felt the pull towards the mare, she could feel the cries of the horse in the air, and before she knew it, she was extracting herself from Dina’s arms, the other girl curling in on herself to preserve the lost heat. Pulling on her jeans, hoodie, and Joel’s jacket over her pyjama shirt, she’d tip-toed down the stairs of Ezra’s house, every other step creaking and setting off explosions throughout the quiet house. She’d tugged on her converse and was slipping out of the door before she could even begin to question what she was doing.

Now though, after almost three hours of walking through snow, her feet frozen, she was beginning to question what she was doing. She had too much pride to back down, but every morsel of her being was screeching at her to stop dead in her tracks, turn back and pretend this had never happened. To accept her defeat, tail between her legs, and wait for the adults. Unfortunately, Ellie had never been one to back down, that was something Joel had taught her, and this was no exception. She pulls her jacket closer around her and carries on jogging through the field. It can’t be later than two a.m., and Ellie knows she doesn’t have much time before the sun starts to rise again, so she doesn’t slow down until she sees the outline of Seth’s farm in the distance. It’s a derelict house, the windows tinged with grime and dust, the structural foundations weak, but the sorry excuse of a barn is unmistakable, and Ellie heads straight for it. 

The wind is still thick from the blizzard the day before, biting at Ellie’s extremities, but she takes her time once she reaches his property. Gabriel’s warning of a shotgun stays with her, and she doesn’t feel like starting the day with a bullet in her chest. She circles the barn, looking for a quiet way in, one that won’t attract attention, the gate bolted shut, and she knows the force it would take to break open the lock would wake every house for miles. It takes her a while to spot it, wasting precious minutes, but she spots a window high up on the back of the building, and grins to herself. It’s high up, though, and she won’t make the jump without making a huge noise.

“Fuck.” She groans to herself, blowing on her hands. The land is filled with scrap metal, and half broken trash cans, but Ellie can’t spot anything strong enough to hold her weight. Nothing that wouldn’t break and give her a healthy dose of tetanus in the process. It’s another few minutes until she spots a heavy barrel on its side, but she says another prayer when she does, someone up there is on her side. She makes a beeline for it, careful not to knock into anything en route, and rolls it over to the window, turning it upright with a clang. She stills for a moment, waiting for a tell that someone has heard her, but when none comes, she climbs up onto the barrel and makes a jump for the ledge. Her fingers catch on the edge, and they shake as she grips on with everything she has, her arms pulling her body weight up to the ledge, and through the window. She lands with a soft thump, and she hears a weak knicker in response.

“Shimmer.” She breathes, and Ellie looks around, her eyes adjusting to the darkness, scanning her surroundings. She’s in what looks like a feed room long abandoned, bags of old chaff and forage spilled across the floor, half rotten. Opening the door with a click, Ellie peers out into the barn, and is met with a sight for sore eyes. Shimmer is standing in a small stable, the metal exposed on the door, and clear cuts on her face from where she’s scratched against the frame or kicked to get out. JJ’s standing beside her, Ellie can tell from his whinnies, faint yet desperate, and he’s restless. 

“Hi, girl.” She coos, slowly making her way over to the door so as not to startle the horses and reaches out a hand to gently stroke Shimmer’s face and neck. The horse nickers at her, the sound low, but it makes Ellie breathe a sigh of relief. She unlocks the stable door, slipping in through the small opening, and kneels down to check over JJ. He seems fine, aside from his distress, and Ellie wishes she had brought something to feed him, to settle his nerves, to let him know he’s safe. Shimmer still has her halter on, Gabriel’s initials still sewn into the cheek bar, and Ellie curses herself for not grabbing her phone on the way. The photos she would have taken would have sent Seth to jail before he could reload his gun. The bastard, Ellie thinks bitterly to herself, but she can’t dwell on her burning hatred for the man, because she’s guessing she only has an hour or two before the sun starts to come up, and she wants to be well away from this place when that happens.

She’s searching for a rope to tie around Shimmer’s halter as makeshift reins and has found one when she stumbles back into JJ, who’s caught between her legs, and she falls back onto a water bucket, half full of water and rust, and it makes a loud crash that echoes throughout the barn and no doubt the house above, turning her blood cold. 

“Oh, shit.” She seethes, scrabbling to bring herself up. She’s attempting to loop the rope around Shimmer’s halter when there’s a commotion above her. It’s faint, but it echoes loudly throughout the barn, and Ellie knows she’s in deep shit. Footsteps clomp across the floor, and Ellie’s hesitating, torn between finishing the rope and rushing the two horses out of the stable, or hiding until the coast is clear. Before she knows it, her legs are running out of the stable. She’s no help to Shimmer if she’s dead, even a shotgun’s range isn’t one to bat an eyelid at. The footsteps are getting closer now, she can hear doors opening and shutting, and her heart is hammering, her hands sweating. Ellie’s head whips around, frantically scanning the building around her for somewhere to hide, and she’s backing into a corner when a door slams and the house goes quiet, and Ellie knows what’s about to happen. She can hear the bolted lock outside, the chain rattling against the wooden doors to the barn, and for the third time that day, she says a quiet prayer in her head. If she makes it out of this alive, she’s going to start going to church, she swears. She lays her life on it.

She’s backed up against the wall now, and she hears the tell of a lock dropped to the floor, the latch on the door creaking loudly. This is it, this is how she goes, and the dusk is starting to stream in through a gap in the door, her eyes trained on the door, when a hand clamps over her mouth, and she’s yanked into a small cupboard. 

A small yelp escapes her lips, but it’s muffled by a large, clammy hand slapped over her mouth, another arm wrapped around her front as it pulls her into the shadows. She starts to fight against the grip, kicking the legs behind her, but she stays deathly still when she hears the doors of the barn are thrown open, her heart fucking thundering in her chest, blood pumping in her ears, her head dizzy. The barn is invaded with light now, and she cringes, sinking into the warm body behind her as she hears a shrill whinny escape from Shimmer, and curse words shouted at her from a croaky voice, from Seth. Ellie screws her eyes shut, and just as quickly as he came in, he leaves, and the lock is bolted up tight behind him.

Her eyes flutter open slowly, her ears trained on the sounds of outside, listening for footsteps. When noises are heard above her again, she lets out a breath and her eyes widen as the hand slowly relaxes, releasing her. Ellie instantly swivels round, and the sight that greets her makes her fucking heart drop.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” It comes out in one single breath, and she’s gasping for air after.

“You really think I’d let you do this on your own?”

Chapter Text

- @MikanRopp on Twitter.

“You think I’d let you do this on your own?”

She’d known he wouldn’t, she’d known he would be there for her every step of the way, but she wouldn’t be Ellie if she didn’t try and push him away right up to the second. He’d donned his best suit and tie, trimmed his beard, and he was standing in front of her, hand outstretched to the door, beckoning her to walk through it.

            Her name was Riley, and she’d shown Ellie everything she knows about surviving, yet she was the first to fall. The world was a cruel, sick place, its jokes twisted, and Ellie is standing in front of one; Riley’s photo and name plastered across every church noticeboard.

            Ellie does something in that moment, something that neither one of them had ever done before. She hooks her arm in his, and she takes a deep breath.

            She knew he’d have never let her do this on her own, but now she believed it.

            “Are you an idiot?” Ellie’s mouth is wide open, her mind blank, but Jesse just shoots her a look, and the tables turn.

            “I could say the same to you, freckles.” 

            Jesse’s head whips around, and he’s on the move, Ellie following after him. They don’t have much time until the sunrise, another hour at most, and Ellie wants to be halfway home by then. 

            “How were you even planning to do this? Like, what was your plan?” Ellie asks.

            “Same way as you, I’m guessing - lead them back. I brought my horse.”

            “You were gonna tie up a mare and a foal to another horse?” Ellie raises an eyebrow, as she opens the latch to the stable again, reaching out a hand for Shimmer to smell, letting the mare know she’s safe.

            “I said it was a plan, not a good one.” Jesse stops as he crouches down to fix a small halter around JJ’s face. “Wait, did you walk here? Were you gonna walk them back?”

            “No,” Ellie snorts, taking the halter he’s passed to her, unbuckling it. “I was gonna… ride Shimmer back.”

            “Without a saddle? Holding onto JJ?” Jesse’s grinning way too much for the situation they’re in, but it’s infectious, and Ellie sort of, kinda forgets that they’re in a psycho’s basement stealing a whole ass horse for a second. “You ever ridden bareback before?”

            “I mean, Dina said she’d teach me in the summer so… how hard can it be?”

            “Damn, Ellie, you got nerve.” They both chuckle, and the vibration hangs in the air for a moment, reminding them of the tenseness of the situation. The air around them is heavy, and they’re quick to move once the halters are secured on the horses. They lead Shimmer and JJ out of the stable one by one, and Ellie takes hold of both ropes as Jesse quietly unlocks the barn doors, both their heartbeats loud in the quiet room. She clicks them on quietly, jogging alongside the horses as they trot out of the barn into the morning, and her eyes are blinded by how light it’s gotten outside. Shit, they’d been in there longer than she’d thought. 

            Jesse’s just locking the barn up behind him when they both hear it; it’s quiet, but it’s there, a click of a window. Ellie’s senses go into overdrive, adrenaline coursing through her in currents, and Jesse’s at her side in an instant, taking hold of Shimmer.

            “C’mon, I left her round the corner, let’s go!”

            Ellie’s running now, JJ and Shimmer rushing behind her to keep up. She’s trying to keep calm for them, to not freak them out, but she’s an open book and JJ’s already making noise, sensing Ellie’s panic. There’s noise coming from inside the house now, and Ellie’s pretty sure she heard a door slam. Her eyes are shot in the snow and wind, but she spots a brown spot through the barren trees, and Jesse’s running up to her. When they catch up, Jesse’s already handing her the reins, and stops her when she starts to protest.

            “I’ll ride Shimmer back; you just focus on getting JJ out of here.”

            “I’m not leaving her!” Ellie whispers furiously.

            “She won’t leave him, Ellie, we don’t have time.” Jesse snaps back, and Ellie feels her resolve harden even more. She shoves JJ’s rope in his hand and ties Shimmer’s around her halter into a sort of makeshift reins. She leads Shimmer over to a log, clambering on top of it to launch herself over Shimmer’s back. It takes a few moments to get used to the way Shimmer’s bare back feels, no saddle to cling to, no stirrups to balance on, but she gets it pretty quick. She’s kicking Shimmer on already.

“Then you better keep up.”

 Jesse’s looking at her, and there’s definite irritation there, but Ellie also swears she sees reluctant pride in his eyes. He’s pulling himself up onto his horse, JJ at his side, and he’s hot on Ellie’s tail in an instant. They’re over the hill now, cantering down when Seth emerges from his house, running to the barn. Ellie can only look back for a second, the lack of stirrups and proper reins providing her with little support, before she has to turn forward again, clutching on for dear life. Shimmer’s ears are pricked, and she’s fucking thundering across the land, Jesse with JJ in hand not far behind. Even the little guy’s keeping up, and it’s not long before they’ve put considerable distance between Seth's farm and the ranch, all the horses slowing down to a steady canter. Not much is said between the two, the gravity of what they've just pulled off catching up with them. The sun is well and truly up now, and Ellie knows that the whole house will be waiting for them, but she can’t think about it right now, not when Shimmer and JJ aren’t completely safe. It’s a bridge she’ll cross when she comes to it. It’s a while before they slow down.

“Holy fucking shit, Ellie.” Jesse breathes, coming down to a walk beside Ellie, JJ nipping at his mother, his nose grazing Ellie’s feet. “We just did that.”

“We just did that.” Ellie’s facing forwards, her heartbeat still beating fast in her chest, the organ feeling like it’s about to rip her open and fly out at any given second.

“He’s going to come back, though, even if he didn’t see us. The ranch is gonna be the first place he looks when he realises they’re missing.” Ellie shoots him a glare, but Jesse just raises an eyebrow at her. “I just don’t want to see you get into any more shit, Ellie, lord knows you’ve had your share.”

Ellie freezes at the comment. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Jesse realises his error, guilt clear in his eyes. “Ezra-”

“That asshole.” Ellie knows this isn’t the time to be having this conversation, not when she could fall off Shimmer at any given moment, but it’s pissed her off. “What did he tell you? That I’m bad news? That you should keep your distance?”

“Yo, nothing like that, let’s drop it.” Jesse clicks his tongue, but Ellie tries her best, but she can’t let it go. Her past is still something of a ghost for her, every time she thinks it’s been put to bed, it comes back just to haunt her, spite her, and the shame pulls itself over her eyes again.

They ride in silence for the rest of the way, and Ellie can see the ranch in the distance as they turn over a hill. “He fucking deserved it.”

Jesse whistles, and it’s a low sound. He doesn’t miss a beat. “What’d he do?”

“He, uh,” Ellie doesn’t know why she’s doing this, especially not at the crack of dawn after a rescue mission, but she’s too far away now. It caught her by surprise. “He said some fucked up shit about Joel. That his, uh, death was my fault.” Her voice trails off by the end of the sentence.

“That’s messed up.” Ellie can tell by the side-eye shooting her way that he’s expecting more, and she hates it, because he’s come to know her too well.

“I, uh, transferred from a home in Boston.” Ellie takes a steadying breath, careful not to tense up at the memory, lest it rile Shimmer up again. “With a girl. My girl.” She’s never admitted what they were out loud before. She never got the chance. “Her name was Riley, and she was my best friend.”

“What, he tried to sleep with her too?”

Ellie’s eyelids flutter, and she feels Jesse cringe at the bad joke, a cheap shot at humour to alleviate what he must see as pure agony flash in Ellie’s eyes. 

“She died on my last night in Boston.” Jesse takes a sharp breath in, and it sounds like a curse. “We were out on a-” a date, “we went out to say goodbye, and we got jumped on our way back. We were only fourteen. They wanted our money, and she wanted to give it to them, but I had such a fucking mouth on me. I didn’t know when to walk away.... She was shot, I was beat up pretty bad, and by the time the cops were called, she’d stopped breathing.”

A tear falls down her cheek, and she shoves it away roughly, her legs tightening around Shimmer to offset the imbalance. “She died next to me. I was holding her.”

“Jesus Christ, Ellie. Man, I don’t know what to say.”

Ellie just shakes her head; she doesn’t expect him to know. No one ever does, not even her. “Basically, the asshole kindly reminded me that everyone I love dies, and everything I touch turns to shit. So I beat the crap out of him.”

“And got arrested for it? Seems like overkill.”

Ellie winces again, and she can’t meet Jesse’s eyes. “He’s in a coma.”

“Oh, shit.” 

            Ellie braves a glance, terrified of the mix of clear judgement and sheer disgust she’s come to know all too well, but instead she finds studying eyes, deep brown and warm. Honestly, she hasn’t heard from him, and doesn’t even know if the kids still in a coma, and she’s not sure if not knowing is better than knowing. Not that she has much of a choice. Eventually, Ellie has to look away again because it’s becoming too much. She’s learning something every day in Jackson.

            “Have you told-?”

            “No.” Jesse raises an eyebrow, and Ellie stutters. “N-no. I don’t want her to… think differently, see me differently.”

            “You should give her more credit.” Jesse clicks on his horse, little JJ trotting on behind. “That girl would do anything for you.”

            “Maybe.” Ellie whispers, but it’s more to herself than anything.

~

            “Dude, you’re kidding, right?” 

            “Do I look like I’m kidding?”

            “We’re gonna get so busted.”

The two of them know the dangers if they’re caught, the beatings they’ll get, but the pull of a great adventure is just too great. The adrenaline buzzes between them, and it hammers in the red head’s chest as a dark brown hand fits in her own, and she pulls it up over the ledge that she’s perched on. Riley’s shoe kicks at metal, and the metal echoes throughout the alleyway.

            “You’re so graceful, you know that?”

            “Ha-ha.” Riley grins back, and her brown eyes are huge, and they’re right in front of Ellie’s and there’s a moment between them, before Riley’s jumping down the other side of the wall, and it’s broken. 

            “Hey, can you give me a hand with this?”

            Ellie scrambles to the edge of the ledge, dropping down, landing funny on her ankle. It’s her own fault for wearing sneakers every day, but Riley liked them, so she wore them. Ellie rushes to Riley and helps her move a huge, wheeled bin out of the way of a side entrance.

            “Where are we even going? My last night here and you bring me to see some trash? We see enough of that at school.”

            Riley just laughs, and the sun hits her just right. Dusk is here, and the sky is a violent orange, but while it washes Ellie out, it brings Riley to life in a way that is absolutely mesmerising, and Ellie’s not so sure she’s hiding her awe. Another moment, and a shy smile from Riley, and they’re inside a building. It smells like piss and there’s broken glass and exposed nails everywhere, but Riley keeps on going, and Ellie followers her.

            “I’m still not seeing anything worth the beating we’re gonna get if we’re caught.”

            “Will you just-” Riley laughs, and swats Ellie, but the younger girl makes a swift dodge, and the older girl just sighs, but it’s full of humour and something else, and it fades as they reach the top of the stairs. Ellie stares at the grey door in front of her, weirdly metal for a broken-down brick alley house. A quick, cautious glance is thrown Riley’s way, and it’s met with a roll of brown eyes, a giggle, and a click of an unlocked latch.

            What Ellie’s eyes see and what her brain computes are two immensely different things, because the sky is burning, bright oranges and reds sear the backs of her eyelids, and for a second Ellie wants to turn on her heels and run, back into the dark, back into the alleys and back into the home. Riley’s too quick though, because she’s taking Ellie’s hand which Ellie knows is clammy as fuck, but she doesn’t say anything, she just laughs at the dumb expression on the red head’s face. The sky is red, and orange and Riley’s eyes are huge, and the sky looks like a fucking lightsaber pissed all over it, but Riley looks so fucking pretty and goddamit, all Ellie can do is look out on the horizon, over the cityscape, kicking herself internally for being such a pathetic nerd.

            “Nice, huh?” Riley grins, looking at Ellie out of the corner of her eye.

            Ellie sighs, and takes a deep breath in. The city air smells like garbage and overpopulation, and it leaves a weird aftertaste in her mouth, but it’s home. She’s leaning against the rooftop barrier, arms crossed, and her chin falls with a light thud into her arms.

            “You can’t deny the view.” Ellie sighs, and Riley lets out a small breath, which Ellie picks up on instantly, her face shifting to the side, into the older girl’s direction.

            “Something on your mind?” Ellie asks, but she already knows the answer.

~

            “He does not look happy.” 

            Jesse nods, his face almost unreadable, but Ellie sees the twitch in his brow, and it puts her on edge. They’re a couple minutes away from Ezra’s ranch, trotting through the paddocks with the horses in tow, winter sunlight visible now through the barren trees. Gabriel’s not hard to spot, and neither is Dina, or Anita and Ezra for that matter, because they’re all waiting outside of the house. For them.

            No one speaks a word as Ellie and Jesse get closer, not even when they jump off and Dina and Ezra are instantly at Shimmer and JJ’s sides, taking them from Ellie and Jesse. Gabriel is the quietest of them all, but Ellie can feel the rage pulsating out of him in waves, rising from him like smoke. It’s a quiet, collected anger, and she knows she’s seriously fucked up.

            “I know what you’re gonna-” she starts but she’s cut off.

            “No. You have no idea what I’m going to say.” Gabriel’s tone is short, clipped, and Ellie physically cringes. He looks at Jesse, who puts his hands up, and Gabriel just sighs before turning to Ellie. There’s anger in his eyes, but Ellie also recognises fear, a type of fear she’s seen before in eyes not so different from these ones. Its fear born out of fierce protectiveness, out of something only a parent can feel, and it makes Ellie’s throat close up. Fuck. She wants to say so much to him, her brain working a million miles an hour to try and find the right words to convey everything, but he’s turned his back on her, walking back up to the house. And it fucking hurts. Ezra takes the horses from Dina, and leads them away, as the rest of them follow Gabriel back into the house, everyone else sitting around Ezra’s kitchen table. Ellie takes her place on the doorframe, on the threshold of both rooms, watching from the outside.

            “What else was I supposed to do?” she spits out when it’s clear Gabriel’s not going to say anything, and Dina, who was reaching out a hand to her, snatches it back sharply, almost like the tone in Ellie’s voice has left a harsh mark. 

            “You were supposed to let the police handle it!” Gabriel’s looking up at her now, leaning heavily against the kitchen counter. “You’re already on probation, Ellie, if you were caught, that’s instant time behind bars. They wouldn’t hesitate after a stunt like this.”

            “You think they’d hesitate anyway?” Tears prick Ellie’s eyes, and the room turns silent so quick, her voice ringing, the meaning behind her words echoing throughout the kitchen.

“You think a cop would do anything but take one look at me and decide that whatever happened, it was my fault?” Ellie’s voice is rising now, hysteria swirling in her, tears dangerously close to falling. “I’ve dealt with cops my whole life, Gabe. I’ve been in handcuffs more than once, arrested more than once, and you want me to trust them? No fucking way.”

“Ellie.” Gabe relents, and he pinches his nose between his thumb and his forefinger. “I know you think the world is on your shoulders, but it’s not. Not everyone is out to get you.”

That hits a nerve for Ellie, and it all becomes too much, every pair of eyes in the room staring right at her, a plethora of emotions running through them all, running through her. Fight of flight takes the fuck over, and she does what she does best, she runs. Shoes still on her feet, she slams the shutter door behind her, and her hand flies to her chest, clutching the worn fabric like it’s sticking to her body. Sobs wrack her in giant heaves, and they come instantly with no warning, her breath wheezing, warm puffs of condensation in the cold air. There’s a pair of arms around her instantly, the smell of comfort and chamomile surrounds her, and she falls into Dina, hands still curled in on herself, but now both girls' shirts are tight in her fists, keeping them together. Dina whispers words of comfort in her ear, and Ellie can’t help but think she’s cried in the last few months more than she has ever in her life. She fucking hates it. She hates being so dependent on people, for letting them get through her walls, because she always disappoints them in the end.

“C’mon, let’s get you cleaned up.” Dina leans back, her hands finding Ellie’s neck, her thumbs rubbing circles into a freckled jawline. Green eyes trail up reluctantly to meet brown ones, and they meet no form of pity, but instead, meet understanding, and love, and they let themselves be led back into the house, through the side door away from any eyes, and upstairs. Dina sits Ellie down on their bed, and disappears into the other room, emerging with a towel and fresh clothes in her hands. The taller girl just raises an eyebrow.

            “You don’t smell that great, babe.” Dina’s nose is scrunched, and Ellie swears, if it weren’t so fucking cute, she’d throw a tantrum just for the sake of it. Instead, she takes the shit Dina is holding, and shuts the door behind her. The hot water does wonders for clearing her mind, the stress that was once radiating through her now rushes off in waves, and she knows it won’t be long before they’re back, so she enjoys it for as long as she can. She revels in it until her skin is red, her fingers are pruned, and she hears Dina’s small footsteps echo down the stairs. Her hair is strewn across her face in wet straws, and when she steps out of the shower, she takes a towel to it, roughly drying it with the towel. Ellie pulls on the jeans and shirt left for her and takes a second to herself. Green eyes stare back at her in the mirror, but they’re dull with dark circles underneath them. The hollowness of her cheeks is gone, she’s put weight on since being at the ranch, and she’s thankful for it, but even the Jackson sun hasn’t managed to get rid of the dark rings etched permanently on around her eyes. They’re like scars, weathering. 

            Ellie takes a shaky breath, both hands on either side of the bathroom sink, and she lets her hair just fall forwards, leaning her weight into her wrists. 

It’s gone before it’s even on her face, and whatever it was is replaced with a smirk.

“You didn’t think this was the only thing I had planned tonight?” Riley launches herself off from the railing, and her feet move in a blur as Ellie struggles to keep up.

“What are you talking about?”

The glint in Riley’s eyes takes Ellie aback, and still does every time she thinks about them, even now. They’re full of bodied swirls and mischief, and they were taking her back the way they came, through the doorway, but not through the same entrance. Riley kicks aside a bolt on a door, grabbing hold of a freckles hand and keeping it in a tight grip all the way. The hallway is dank, and it smells of mould, and something else that Ellie hopes she never has to name. She swears she can feel the spores of dust and damp in her throat. It ends, though, through a door and another alley, until they’re at a complex, and Ellie’s jaw is swinging.

“Are you kidding me?”

            It’s quiet in Ezra’s barn, and smaller than Dina’s, but it smells like sweet hay and the radio in the corner is playing quiet country music. There are buckles on the wall, Ellie guesses they’re from Ezra’s rodeo days, and old photographs of podiums printed in sepia. It’s quaint, but charming, and Ellie steps inside tentatively, her black converse a sharp contrast to the rustic hues. She’s careful not to break the serenity of the barn, each of the horses grazing on their hay in their stalls, the occasional knock of a hoof on gate, as she walks through the barn.

            “Hey, Shimmer.” The lock opens with a clank, and Ellie slips into the stall, met immediately with nickering and hot air fanning across her face as Shimmer searches Ellie for food. “How ya doing, girl?”

            A smaller mouth brushes against Ellie’s hand, and JJ nibbles at her fingers. Smiling, she takes a seat in the hay pile on the floor of the stall, and both horses are at her side in an instant, munching the straw around her, keeping close to her side. 

            It’s peaceful, and Ellie’s not sure how long she stays on the floor there, but her shoulders are lighter, and her mind is quieter, and she closes her eyes for a moment.

            “Don’t go.”

            Ellie’s eyes flutter open, and it takes a second for her eyes to adjust to the dim lighting. Her eyes are sore, and she rubs them with her fists, but it doesn’t help much. Shimmer and JJ are still eating, on the last of their hay, and Ellie stretches out along the floor, wiggling her toes to bring back the feeling. It’s quiet, until Ellie hears small noises in the barn. Standing up, she brushes herself off and with one last fuss of the horses, lets herself out of their stable.

Ezra’s barn doesn’t have an office, not a fancy one like the one back at the ranch, but it does have a small table and sofa. Gabriel’s sitting on the worn leather, murmuring on the phone, writing down numbers that Ellie recognises instantly as case numbers. Steeling her nerves, she makes her way over to the end of the barn, standing there awkwardly, fiddling with her fingers, kicking a small mark on the floor with her foot as he clicks end.

“Who was that on the phone?” She asks, her voice cracking slightly.

            “The sheriff,” Gabriel looks up and sees something in Ellie’s eyes, because he softens. “For the fire.”

Through the barn doors, Jesse and Ezra are fixing up one of the gates at the edge of Ezra’s drive, and it’s a filled silence apart from the clanking sounds of their tools.

“I’m not angry, Ellie.”

“I know.” She sighs, still picking at her nails, not quite meeting his eyes.

            Another silence, but it’s not awkward. “How are they doing?”

            “They seem fine. Settled. I don’t think he hurt them.”

            “Well, that’s good.” 

            Ellie’s arms are crossed now, she’s almost closed in on herself, until Gabriel sighs and moves over, leaving a spot for Ellie to sit, which she takes gratefully.

            “I wasn’t just saying that before. The world isn’t mad at you, Ellie. I know you’ve been through a lot, more than any teenager should ever have to go through, but you’re safe here. You’re a part of this family now. We’re not going to let anything bad happen to you.”

            Ellie sighs, pulling the sleeves of her jumper over her hands to stop herself from picking them raw. “I know you’re right; I know I should believe you, but I just can’t.”

            “And that’s okay.” Gabriel sighs. “But we’ve got to figure out our next move, kid.”

            Ellie nods, and it’s grim. “He’s going to report me, isn’t he?”

            “I’m not sure. If he had something to do with the barn, I doubt he’d risk getting the police involved, but God knows what runs through that man's mind.” 

            Both of them have their faces in their hands now, Ellie rubbing her eyes and Gabriel scratching his nose. They’re both deep in thought, but it’s like the saying goes, talk of the devil and may he appear.

            There’s a commotion coming from outside the barn, with raised voices and sounds of conflict. Ellie and Gabriel are up in an instant and running through the barn doors.

            “I know you’ve got them in there, I ain’t no fool!” Seth’s face is angry, a deep red and twisted with hatred. It makes Ellie feel sick, his bulging eyes trained on her the second her face hits the light of day.

            “You. You stole my horses; I saw you on my land this morning.”

            “I didn’t steal shit, old man. I think you’re getting the story wrong.” Ellie spits back, walking down towards the gate, which Jesse and Ezra are holding shut, Seth on the other side. 

            “Bullshit. My horse found its way home after being neglected by you. You can’t steal what’s rightfully yours.” Seth’s grin is vile and smug, the deep creases in his forehead red. “Now give me back what’s mine.”

            Ellie goes for him, seeing red, but a hand stops her. Gabriel takes a step forward, coming to stand in front of Seth now, and speaks calmly. Jesse stands back, in line with Ellie.

            “You have no proof of anything. You also, as I can imagine, don’t have a legal bill of sale for that horse.”

            Ellie’s eyebrows go into her hairline, as the whole tone of the interaction shifts. Seth is hit unaware, his whole body tensing up, but with the idiocy of a thief caught red-handed. 

            “You’re just trying to scare me. It ain’t gonna work, Jew.”

            “Maybe.” Gabriel continues. “But what I find funny, and I think the Sheriff will find amusing is that our barn burns down the week after our little chat, and our horse suddenly finds its way into your barn. It’s a funny little coincidence, how empty the house is when it burns down, and how every horse was brought back safe, but the one you had your eye on.”

            Seth splutters now, his face a different sort of red, the tomato kind over the crimson. 

            “It’s my horse.” His words are harsh and venomous, but a light voice cuts through them, and Ellie has never been so glad to hear a woman’s voice.

            “Well, then, if she’s your horse, I’d be happy to give you her bill.”

            Anita and Dina have joined them now, hearing the commotion. Dina’s hand is ghosting over Ellie’s bicep, taking a hold of it to keep them both grounded while Anita saunters up to her husband’s side with a confidence Ellie has never seen in the woman before.

            “What the hell are you talkin’ about, bill?” Seth shouts. Anita keeps her cool.

            “Well, when she came to us, Shimmer was injured.” Seth looks confused at the name, but then anger takes over his dark features when he realises. “We of course had to get Marlene out here, with blood samples, treatment, medicine. As I’m sure you're aware, her services don’t come cheap. That’s not even to mention the price of boarding, food, training, vaccinations that she’d missed in your care... Oh, she was also pregnant, if you weren’t aware. So we had to double the original price of her stay to accommodate the little one. He’s lovely, little JJ. But you’ve met him, haven’t you?”

            Anita trails off, and Ellie’s face is a picture of absolute amazement as the older woman pulls out a fancy-looking piece of paper from her pocket and hands it over to the old man, which he takes gingerly, his eyes trained on Ellie. There’s malice in them.

            “I actually went through the trouble myself to draw up a bill for you, and as soon as you pay it, you’re free to take Shimmer home with you.”

            Everyone around Anita is silent, in absolute awe of this badass, genius woman standing before them, because Ellie can see from here the number of zeros in ink bleeding through the back of the paper, and she knows there’s no way Seth is going to be able to afford that.

            He knows it too because he scrunches it up and shoves it right back at her.

            “This is bullshit, and criminal, and you aren’t going to get away with this. You can bet I’ll be speaking to the police.”

            “Well, maybe you should speak to them about that bandage on your hand too. The fire company thought there was something wrong with our wires, but they looked fine to me. Funny, that.”

            Holy shit, Ellie thinks to herself, her eyes wide, remind me to never piss Anita off.

            The tone in Anita’s voice sends Seth into a rage, and Ellie knows this battle is won, they all do, they can see the cogs whirring in his brain. Does he fight, does he flee, does he admit everything? What Seth does is he yanks the door of his beaten truck open, flings himself inside and slams it shut after him. 

            “I should’ve burnt down that barn with you in it.”

            None of them say anything, and it takes Ellie every morsel of being and strength she has to not go over there and beat the living shit out of him, old man or not. But Dina’s arm keeps her grounded as Seth reverses out of the drive and rips down the dirt road with violent force.

            They all collectively breathe a sigh of relief, Shimmer is safe, away from the cruel hands of Seth, at least for the time being.

            “Mom, you were amazing.” Dina gives her Mother a huge bear hug, and the rest of them agree, a few relieved laughs escaping them until the high wears off, the reminder of the barn bring them back down, and the mood is sombre again.

            “I wish we could’ve gotten his confession on tape or something.” Dina sighs, and it’s a bleak reminder of how dangerous a scorned man is. Yet, Jesse doesn’t seem phased, instead reaching behind his back and pulling out his phone, pressing a button, grinning.

            “Lucky I did then, huh?”

~

            “This is awesome.” Ellie breathes, dropping her backpack at her feet and running towards the scene in front of her. “How did you find out about this?!”

            Riley just laughs, and Ellie stares ahead of her in wonder. Before her is a huge structure, a carousel; rusty and mossy from years of disuse, but a carousel, nonetheless. She reaches a handout, running her fingers over the chipped paint of the horse's head in front of her. She’d always wondered what it would be like to ride a horse.

            “Now’s my chance.” She whispers to herself, and pulls herself atop the metal statue, resting her feet on the metal poles and her fingers on the ears. 

“It’s too bad it doesn’t work.” Ellie calls out, but Riley’s busy, and it takes a second before Ellie realises what she’s doing, because the carousel groans with effort and a tune sparks up, and the wheel begins to turn. Ellie holds on as the horse beneath her bops up and down, and she lets out a cackle as she’s bumped into the air.

“Look at you go!”

She feels pretty cool, like she’s a warrior about to head into battle, the wind through her hair, her coat clinging to her body. It’s awesome, until Riley barks out laughter.

            “You look like such a dork.” She smiles, walking over to stand below Ellie, who’s high up on her horse. “Can I, a lowly maid, join you on your quest?”

            “Why, only if the lady thanks me with her hand.” Ellie puts on a high, regal voice, her hand reaching out for Riley to take, which she takes. She pulls Riley onto the horse next to her, and they go round in circles, laughing until their stomachs hurt.

            “This is awesome. How did you find it? How is it even here?” Ellie hadn’t even thought to ask, just blindly following Riley through old back doors and courtyards before they got here. They’re in the middle of a city, but Riley’s always been good at finding little adventures.

            “This was an old mall, but it shut down when the super mall got opened up downtown. I guess no one’s been here in months, but the power still works.” 

            As if on cue, the mechanism grinds to a slow halt, screeching it’s protest as it slows, and the two girls are left back in the dark courtyard. Riley complains, rushing to apologise, but Ellie just grins. She’s on a kind-of high, resting against the metal pole of her horse.

            “This is phooey. I’m sorry, Ell.”

            “Well, I loved it. It’s like a place that only we know, and that’s pretty cool, so…” Ellie trails off, and there’s a small moment between them, a silent beat, but it’s gone as Riley leaps down from her perch, onto the floor.

            “You coming?”

~

            “That was the Sheriff. They’re on their way to arrest Seth now.” Gabriel announces, and the tension in the room is quite literally cut with a knife, as Dina digs her butterknife into some strawberry jam, spreading it thick on a sweet biscuit. 

            “Thank fuck for that.” Ellie breathes, but then it’s the question of what comes next. “Are we…?”

            “In trouble for breaking and entering? Going to prison for theft?” Gabriel’s eyeline whips over to Ellie and Jesse with a hard look in his eye, but it doesn’t last, softening like butter. “I managed to convince him to look the other way. He’s agreed to forget this little incident ever happened. Your files will be erased...” 

Jesse and Ellie both breathe huge sighs of relief, their bodies deflating. But it doesn’t last for long. “As long as you both do a month of community service each.”

“Are you-?” Ellie starts, but Gabe holds his hand up, stopping her in her tracks. 

“Jesse will be joining you at the clinic doing deliveries, and you’ll carry on doing what you’re doing. Unpaid.”

It takes a moment for the last word to sink in before Ellie’s groaning again, but she knows she’s gotten off unbelievably well, that nowhere else on the goddamn planet would’ve given her this hundredth chance, knowing she will most likely fuck it up again. Knowing that no one else in the world would give this scruffy looking teenager, with a record longer than the fucking bible, another glance, much less another life. So, she nods. And she grins. And she breathes.

“Now, I believe a celebration is in order.” 

And her eyes go wide.

~

            It was her first kiss, and holy shit, she couldn’t stop replaying it over and over in her brain, her nerves on fire throughout her, every hair standing on edge, every goosebump standing tall like a mountain along her skin. A darker hand was clasped over hers, pulling her through the alleys and through heavy set doors, her legs on autopilot as she ran after Riley.

            She remembers it like it was yesterday, because when you’re grieving, there’s no difference between a day and a week, a week and a month, or a month and a year. It still hurts just as much. She doesn’t know how much longer she’s going to last, Riley had family, and it made her angry, because they never tried with her when she was in the home, and Ellie knew that they knew where to find her. But here they are now, talking at her funeral, like she was the sun and the moon to them, and they doted on her like stars in the sky. It makes her blood boil, because to Ellie, she was the sun, and the moon. She was every star, every planet, every fucking milky way and wormhole and sentient life force in the universe and she was ripped from Ellie so cruelly, so quick, that for the past week, she’s been waking up screaming in the middle of the night, because she’s so sure Riley will be there next to her, to comfort her, like she did when they were kids.

            But Riley is never there.

            She hasn’t been there since they got in the middle of a gang fight, since they burst through a set of heavy doors, giggling, and laughing, after they’d shared that moment, only to be met with sets of eyes staring back at them, glinting of metal and fire power in their faces. It had all happened so quickly, the shouting, the screaming, the orders that the girls were too paralysed with fear to follow, the gun pointing at Ellie, and the shot as Riley jumped in front of her. The footsteps as the guys had realised what they’d done, and the silence and hollowness that followed in the now empty alley, but not before they’d gotten in a few kicks and blows to Ellie’s body, to scare her from ever talking.

            “Oh, god, oh god, oh god, Riley, what do I do? Tell me what to do.” Tears are streaming down Ellie’s face, but she doesn’t feel them. Pulling herself up from the foetal position she’s locked herself into, she doesn’t feel anything but shock, and dread. Her stomach is in her pants, and her heart is in her throat, and everything feels wrong.

            “You have two options.” Riley whispers, her breath shaky, yet her hands are steady over Ellie’s quivering ones, the ones covered in blood that she can’t distinguish between Riley’s and her own. “You either leave me here, and run and get help…” She takes a deep breath, Ellie’s hands rising with her. “I don’t like that option.”

            “What’s option two?” Ellie breathes, salt in her mouth.

            “You wait with me here, and we talk shit about the kids back at the home, and you tell me-” A cry of pain escapes Riley’s lips as she tries to move to get a better look at Ellie, but the redhead just shushes her, moving her gentle back where she was.

            “I tell you what?”

            “That you like me.”

            “I mean, I definitely like that option more…”

            Even like this, how they are, Riley takes Ellie’s breath away. She leans down, tears still streaming, eyes and cheeks puffy, and plants a light kiss against Riley’s mouth.

            It wasn’t long before the ambulance came before Ellie heard the sirens. They’d no doubt heard the gunshot, or someone had reported it. It wasn’t uncommon around here for this sort of shit to happen. She remembers not leaving Riley’s side, not until Joel had come and pried her from the chair beside her bed and taken her home kicking and screaming. She’d passed out as soon as her head hit Joel’s pillow. He’d slept on the floor next to her. He’d kept an eye on her all night.

Joel had never met Riley, she’d known the older girl long before Joel was in the picture, and Riley had her own shit going on when he was. She’d learnt from Isaac later that Riley was planning on leaving, and she’d made her own guess that that night was Riley’s way of saying goodbye. Only, no one could have predicted how final of a goodbye it was.

She feels a pressure on her arm, and she realises she had gone to stand up, but a strong hand grounded her. Joel’s hand is placed gently on her arm, the squeeze it gives gentle, and she melts into it. Ellie didn’t let go the entire time, not until the ceremony was over. She wasn’t even allowed to speak at her funeral, because it was a state funded one, and family was the priority. It was total bullshit. But Ellie sat there and grieved in her own way, and it wasn’t until they got home, until Joel had led her to his garden where some of the kids from the home were waiting, and where there was a small lit up memoriam to Riley, that she let the tears flow. 

            When all was said and done, and Riley had been celebrated, and tears and laughter had been intertwined, Ellie looked at Joel, had smiled at him for the first time since Riley had been taken from her, and knew that things would be okay.

            She’s got that feeling now. 

            Ellie’s hair is haphazardly tucked behind her ears underneath her Stetson, the heels of her boots dug into metal, and the leather reins loose in her hands. They’re flying across the back lands of Gabriel’s estate, heading towards the mountains and the waterfalls. Jesse, Dina, and Ezra are to her left, and Anita and Gabriel are to her right. Ellie doesn’t think she’s ever seen Anita on a horse before, she knew she could ride but to actually see it was breath-taking. To see all of them together, riding as one group, was more exhilarating than anything Ellie could have imagined. The cries and whoops coming from the group sends Ellie on a high, and Dina’s next to her, spurring on Japan to go even faster, perking Shimmer up instantly, the mare’s competitive side kicking in.

            Ellie thinks they all needed this, to forget everything, to just let go. People don’t realise, but horses are like humans, and right now, Shimmer is flying, running through the pain. Ellie is stood up in her stirrups, her body moving with the rhythm of hooves pounding against the snow and grass. They all look a picture in their thick coats and cowboy hats amongst the wind and snow, but when the group reach the edge of one of the hills, and they look out alongside the horizon, where the sun is starting to set in the West, it’s the view that takes Ellie’s breath away. 

            Ellie knows there’s still a lot of shit left to do, she’s not an idiot; she knows there’s still a burnt down bar waiting for them, with horses needing extra care, she knows there’s community service, college, vet school, and so much more to go back to and stress about. Ellie glances sideways at Dina, and she knows there’s so much she has to tell her, how much more she has to give to this girl, and how hard it’s going to be. She's lost a lot of people in her lifetime, more people in nineteen years than most lose in ninety, and it's not something you get over easily. But, at this moment, none of it matters. She looks around at her, at the group of people who she’s come to know as family, and the horse beneath her that has turned her life around, something she had never thought would have been possible, and she’s hopeful. She’s safe.

Chapter Text

“Hey, you still with me, Ellie?”

She blinks, looking straight at Jesse, but only now seeing him. Her mind had wandered, but now it was back in reality, and reality was the huge pile of horse shit at her feet. It had been two weeks since the barn burnt down, and the extra hours they’d all been pulling to get it back up and fixed, as well as to care for the horses, was taking its toll on her. Especially mixed with the fact it was mid-December, finals week and she was up at 5am on a Saturday - which should’ve been her day off. It’s a holy day, she has it off every week, with Gabriel taking care of the horses, but with the building of the new barn and the extra upkeep of changing the horse’s blankets every morning and night, Ellie hasn’t had a minute to herself in the past two weeks. All the horses are living in the paddocks, and right now, so is Ellie.

“How much longer till it’s built?” Ellie asks, as if she didn’t ask yesterday morning, or the morning before that. Jesse just rolls his eyes at her, letting out a chuckle.

“It’ll probably be done when it’s done.”

“Yeah, real helpful, jackass.” Now it’s Ellie’s turn to roll her eyes. 

Jesse laughs again and gets stuck back into shovelling horse manure into a wheelbarrow. They usually pick the paddocks once every two weeks, but with the horses living out all the time, they’re doing it three times a week.

“You out with Dina tonight? I know she’s going to The Tipsy Bison tonight with some of the girls.” Ellie shakes her head in response, scrunching up her nose.

“Nah, I got a shift at the clinic.”

Jesse lets out a low whistle. “Damn, I thought that was tomorrow. I’ll give you a ride then, I’m in tonight too. This community service shit isn’t all that fun.”

Ellie nods, not looking up from her shovel. “Tell me about it. I like working there but Jesus, the extra hours have been killing me.”

“Could be worse.”

They work in silence for a while after that, the only sounds being their grunts of effort and the clattering of tools, until Jesses stops abruptly, wiping his forehead with the back of his gloved hand, and leaning his chin against his shovel.

“What?”

“It’s nothing.” There’s a bemused glint in Jesse’s eye and Ellie isn’t sure how to feel.

“Okay…” She carries on shovelling for a couple seconds, but upon seeing Jesse stay still, she huffs and pitches her fork into the ground.

“Seriously, what?”

“I realise no one ever had time to talk about it because of everything that happened, but you know you kissed Dina in front of her parents, right?” Jesse’s grin is wide.

Ellie burns up instantly, she actually hadn’t had time to even think about that amidst everything else that was going on, but now that Jesse mentioned it, he was right. They’d made out in front of her parents at Dina’s show, and it hadn’t been spoken about. Like, at all.

“What’s your point?” Ellie can feel her cheeks burning, and she damns the world.

“Just wondering if you guys had made it, like, official yet. You haven’t been on a date yet, right?”

“We went to buy my textbooks.” Ellie mumbled, pulling her right hand out of her glove to scratch the back of her neck, which was also boiling. She was beginning to feel self-conscious now; her and Dina hadn’t had the time to be a normal couple, or even have those conversations, with how crazy both of their lives were at the moment. But that didn’t mean Ellie didn’t think about calling Dina her girlfriend all the time.

Jesse just scoffs, and Ellie knows it’s light-hearted, so she lets it sit for a minute before she replies. “Where would you go, on a… date?”

Jesse’s eyes flint, and they’re full of warmth. “Well, I know the lights in the town square are going up tonight, at midnight. Shame we’re gonna miss it.”

“Huh.” Ellie ponders over that for a moment, before shovelling the last of the muck heap into the barrow, throwing her fork in and picking up both handles of the barrow. Jesse follows suit, and they walk back towards the construction of the barn, both of them done for the morning.

Christmas lights. It’s been a while since she’s seen those.

~

“What? You’ve never had a Christmas tree before?” Ellie marvels, and Joel waves her away, other hand gripping a mug of coffee. (Because who would Joel be without it?)

            “I have, I have,” he starts in his southern drawl, “just not since- “

            The silence is only for a beat, but Ellie just smiles and nods, digging through the cardboard box she’d begged Joel to get her from the attic. It was safe of Joel to assume that Ellie had never really had a Christmas before, not a proper one anyway, and Joel wasn’t even sure if he’d give her one this year. The wound of Sarah was too fresh, even after 20 years, but he found himself wanting to do that for her, for the young girl, as he often did when it concerned Ellie, and so he’d brought down the boxes from the attic while she had been closing up at the shop with Tommy.

            His brother had driven her home, even if Joel only lived a block away it was dark outside with it being a week till Christmas, and the look on her face had made it completely worth the effort. He’d taken the liberty of hanging up some of the fairy lights above the fireplace, give the place a real homely feel, but he’d kept the two stockings at the bottom of the box. It was instinctive, out of sight, out of mind for the old man.

            “Are you kidding? This is so cool.” Ellie’s face shone in the lights, the greens of her eyes shining in the gold, and Joel ruffles her hair.

            There hasn’t been this much laughter in this house for a long time, and Ellie comes with it, like it’s tied up and intertwined in her very being. There’s a hole in his heart, but there’s one in hers too, and they’re filling the others in.

            “What do you think about maybe getting a tree this year?”

            He’s never seen a kid beam quite so hard.

            Well, maybe one.

~

            “Here you go,” Leah drops down another three boxes of supplies, as well as a list as long as the floor of orders. “Sorry it’s so much, we’re always so busy in the holidays.”

            She’s wearing a pale blue sweater with a pair of white ice-skates on it, with pink ribbons hanging from the laces. It’s sweet, and she looks rosy-cheeked, her bag hanging from her shoulder, no doubt getting ready to go home. The whole clinic has been decorated for the holidays, and Ellie finds herself just smiling, not minding.

            “Nah, it’s okay. I don’t mind, Jesse should be back soon, I’ll get him to help me.”

            Leah lets out a small chuckle and looks around her before leaning in closer to Ellie. “Everyone thinks what you did was really cool. Marlene won’t say anything, but she came in here almost jumping for joy. You’re really brave, Ellie.”

            Embarrassed, Ellie shrugs it off. “It’s nothing.”

            Leah rolls her eyes. “It really is. Listen, me and Jordan are planning a dinner at our house in the New year, I want you there.”

            Ellie’s mouth forms into a small oh. There must be some kind of mistake here, Leah must be hallucinating that she’s someone else. The woman sees Ellie’s expression and lets out a genuine laugh. “Don’t feel pressured, but it would be great to have you there.”

            Ellie just nods, and Leah reaches down into her bag, pulling out her keys, and moving towards the sliding doors of the clinic, before faltering and turning back towards Ellie at the desk, a hint of a smile pulling at the corner of her mouth.

            “Who knows, maybe Dina might wanna come.”

            She’s gone before Ellie can reply, and all she does is blush anyway. How does Leah even know about Dina? Then it hits her as the devil himself walks in.

            Jesse.

~

            “Well, I came upon a man at the top of a hill!” They both sing, at the top of their voices, as Joel drives down the highway.

            “He called himself,” Joel starts.

            “The saviour of the human race!” Ellie finishes, adding offkey runs and riffs into the last word, trying to match Joel’s low pitch and failing miserably, which has the older man chuckling loudly. They sing the last couple lines of the chorus, and just grin at each other as the man on the track starts whistling.

            Joel turns down the volume slightly, and Ellie looks at him.

            “So, I’ve seen uh…” He clears his throat. “You and Cat have been getting real close lately.”

            Ellie instantly narrows her eyes, shifting. “Okay, so?”

            “So,” Joel’s face is burning, but he’d deny it if you asked him. All he remembers is Maria and Tommy preaching at him to have the talk with Ellie, seeing as he’s now her parental figure. So, he gets it over with.

            “I just hope you two are being… y’know,”

            “No, I don’t know. Being what, Joel?” Ellie challenges.

            It takes him a moment to say it.

            “Safe.” He says, and Ellie’s instantly groaning, throwing her hands up in the air.

            “Safe, Joel? Really? I’m fifteen.” He’s trying to get a word in edgeways, but the young girl is just pinching the bridge of her nose, using the lord’s name in vain in a string of profanities.

            “Now, hang on a minute,” He starts.

            “Safe? Do you even know what you’re saying right now?”

            “I just feel like it’s my responsibility to-”

            “Oh my God, can you please stop talking?”

            “Ellie, this is serious-”

            “It really isn’t, Joel, please stop talking.”

            It goes on like this for another couple of minutes, until they’re both huffing, and then chuckling, and then both letting out full-bellied laughs at the other.

            “Fuck, Joel, where did that even come from?”

            “Blame your uncle and aunt for that one, kiddo,” Joel half grumbles, but a smile pulls at his mouth the whole time. He doesn’t think he’s ever called Tommy and Maria that to Ellie before, but it just came out, and she didn’t correct him.

            “Well, that’s the funniest shit I’ve ever heard.”

            Joel realises he probably should’ve started with telling her to cool it with the potty mouth, but he laughs it off. This kid is going to be the death of him.

~

            Ellie’s so tired of stickering, she hates stickers, she doesn’t see the point in them anymore. What even makes them sticky? Who decided that one day, when good old-fashioned glue exists, that they were going to make paper sticky – but the kind of sticky that you had to peel off and get fifty million splinters in the process.

            “Fuck,” she curses, as another slice against her fingers pulls her out of her internal complaining. She brings the cut to her mouth and sucks on it.

            “Don’t worry, Freckles, we’re almost done.” Jesse chuckles, and Ellie hits him. She still hasn’t forgotten his little indiscretion, but strangely, she finds herself not minding it. Kinda takes the scariness out of it, her whatever with Dina being discussed.

            Almost like magic, there’s a knock on the glass door, outside of the clinic, and both Jesse and Ellie look up to see a Dina, waving to let her in.

            “Christ.” Ellie laughs, and gets up to let the dark-haired girl in, who brings the chill in with her. It’s so warm in the clinic, and Ellie shivers from the brisk wind.

            “Aren’t you supposed to be out with everyone?” Ellie asks, her head tilting, and Dina grins in response. She just shrugs and changes the subject.

“You do realise it’s like, past eleven, right?” Dina is already struggling to shrug out of her jacket, and Ellie’s instantly at her side, helping her. “You guys have been here for hours.”

            Ellie glances at the clock, not believing Dina, until she sees the clock read 11:15.

            “Whoa,” she grimaces. She didn’t realise. They still had a fair number of boxes left, Ellie frowns at them, and Dina follows her gaze.

            “Why don’t I help you with them? Jesse can go home.” Dina quips, and both of them look up at her in surprise.

            “Nah, it’s alright, Di.” Jesse dismisses her. “We got ourselves into this.”

            “Nope, I insist!” She’s tugging at his arm to get the man up, but Ellie knows she must’ve had a few to drink, because she gives up early, huffing, folding her arms. Honestly, as bad as she feels, with all of the extra hours she’s been putting in in the last few weeks, Ellie wouldn’t mind the alone time with Dina, but she knows how proud Jesse is.

            A second later, it’s like a lightbulb goes off in her head, and Ellie sidles up behind Dina, wrapping her arms around the girl’s waist from behind, bringing her close to the redhead. She plants a kiss on Dina’s cheek, and starts rocking their hips side to side, like a little dance. The shorter girl lets out a happy hum, closing her eyes, letting herself be led.

            Jesse laughs instantly, coughing. “Jesus, Ellie, okay, I get the hint. I’ll go.”

            Ellie’s grinning and letting out low chuckles between kisses on Dina’s neck, and it’s not long before Jesse has packed up and they’ve waved him goodbye, and while Ellie turns back to the rest of the orders, it’s clear Dina has other plans.

            “I’ve missed you,” she sings, while clinging on to the older girl. Ellie laughs, and despite the lack of people, turns insanely red when the dark-haired girl crawls into her lap, facing Ellie, and latches on while Ellie does the rest of the stickering. It’s not comfortable, but it’s not uncomfortable and Ellie gets the rest of the packages done with the warmth from Dina making her heart race. She’s pretty sure Dina has fallen asleep, but the girl stirs when Ellie reaches for the pile.

            “Hey, sleepyhead.” Ellie whispers, reaching up to brush the hair out of Dina’s face, and tuck it behind her ear. “I’m done.”

            “Finally. Take me home.”

            Ellie just grins and taps Dina to let her up. They both help each other up, and while Ellie’s cleaning up all of the orders from the floor where her and Jesse had perched, she can feel Dina’s eyes staring through her. Her heart stops a beat, as she remembers the text Dina had sent her, seconds before their lives went up in flames, quite literally. They haven’t spoken about it since, they hadn’t had a moment to even think on it, and it’s heavy in the room now.

I love you too.

She’d read it, as clear as day. If she wanted, Ellie could dig through her pockets to her phone, and pull out the words right now, but her fingers were stiff and her body was struggling to breathe, and so she does the only thing she can and takes Dina’s hand in hers as they leave the clinic, locking the doors behind them.

~

            “Take your pick, kiddo.”

            “Wait, I get to pick?” Ellie’s nose is red in the cold, but she looks right at home amongst all of the noise. It was Christmas Eve and damned kid kept going on about having a tree, and so Joel and Ellie had donned their thickest coats and layers to drive over to the next town for their evening festive market that stayed open late. There are lines and lines of trees, as well as trinkets, ornaments, hot chestnuts, and hot drink stalls. Something tells Joel that Ellie had only ever looked in from the outside to places like this, and truth be told, since Sarah, that was the case with him too. So, he’d let her run free, so he could take everything in.

            He can still hear Sarah’s little laugh, and feel her hand in his, tugging him towards the warm gingerbread cookies and hot milk they would get every year. Ellie doesn’t know it, but she’s standing in the exact spot Sarah stood in when she picked out the tree every year, and it makes his heart constrict. Always one to ignore his feelings, he pushes it down and walks up to the concession stall, the smell of roasting chestnuts and caramel almonds filling his nose.

            “Two coffees please.” He gruffs at the woman handing out drinks, before even thinking. She hands him the coffees, black, and he hands her over a note, telling her to keep the change. It’s the holidays, after all. Maybe Ellie is making him soft.

            Either way, he spots the mess of red hair in the crowd, making his way over to Ellie, who is standing in front of a misshapen tree, almost toppling over, but from the look on her expression, you’d think it was the most beautiful thing the kid had ever seen.

            Joel clears his throat, and hands Ellie the paper cup, but it’s not until she takes a sip and her features scrunch into distaste that he realises. Kids don’t drink coffee. Every other child around them is drinking small hot chocolates with whipped cream and marshmallows, or apple juice from little plastic cups. It’s been such a long time since he’s done this, since he’s strayed from his own routine, and he finds himself feeling guilty, shame washing through him.

            “Shit, Ellie, I didn’t even think, I’ll get y-” He reaches out for the cup, embarrassed.

            But Ellie clutches it tighter.

            “It’s okay, Joel. I like it. Really.”

            He stares at her with hard eyes, for a long beat, and then brings his hand back.

            “I can get you something else. A hot chocolate or something, with… I don’t know, marshmallows or something.”

            “Nope. This is fine.”

            Joel knew it really was too, because she kept drinking it, failing miserably at hiding how awful it tasted to her. “So, this the tree you want? Isn’t it a little, dumpy?”

            “Hah,” she guffaws, “dumpy. I like it. He’s perfect.”

            “Well, then. Dumpy,” Joel signals over to the guy tending the trees, and he starts making his way over to wrap it for them. “You’re coming with us.”

~

            They’re walking to Ellie’s car, hands linked, and their breaths coming out as clouds in the cold air. Ellie pulls her canvas jacket tighter around her, as they hurry to the car. When they climb into Firefly, Ellie turns on the ignition, warming up her hands as the engine excerpts hot air.

            “Huh, it’s almost midnight already,” Dina muses, turning on the radio.

            Ellie lets the fact sink in for a moment before Jesse’s words from that morning replay in her mind. The lights. Ellie’s face lights up, and she glances at the old clock on the radio.

            11:48.

            The clinic is just on the edge of the town centre, they’ll be there in 3 minutes, 2 if Ellie pushes it. So, she does, turning the ignition and revving the truck into life.

            “Oh my god, Ellie. What are you doing?” Dina’s looking at her, one eyebrow raised but Ellie’s just grinning, Firefly already chugging down the road. She sees the crowd from down the road, fairly big, and swerves into one of the parking spaces, yanking her keys out and jumping down from the truck.

            “Ellie, what is going on?” Dina laughs, but Ellie’s response is running to her side of the truck, throwing open the door, and grabbing Dina bridal style, bringing her out into the cold air, shutting the door behind them with a kick.

            “Oh my god, Ellie Williams, are you taking me to see them light up the Christmas tree?” Dina cackles with delight, her arms wrapping around Ellie’s neck.

            “What if I am?” Ellie’s grin stretches from ear to ear, and she sets Dina down gently, but doesn’t let up, pulling the girl towards the crowd and the tree, just as someone calls out her name. As they both look up, she sees Anthony waving at them, and my heart warms. She hasn’t been able to see everyone in a while, but they’re all there.

            “Oh God,” Dina groans. “I told them I wasn’t feeling well so I could leave early.”

            Ellie’s head whips back to Dina. “Why would you say that?”

            Dina looks down at the ground and blushes. “I wanted to see you.”

            Ellie’s mouth falls open, and the pure glee that comes out makes Dina blush even further, she’s never letting her live that one down. “C’mon.”

            She pulls Dina towards the crowd, weaving in and out of people until they’re met with familiar faces. Anthony and Soraya are stood next to each other, while James has one arm around Anna, and it makes Ellie’s eyebrow go up.

            “She’s alive, everybody!” James cheers, and Ellie scoffs.

            “Sorry,” she offers, but the others just dismiss her. She gets a wave of greetings and hugs, and a genuine smile from Soraya, which she hastily returns, and Dina gets the worst of it.

            “Sick, or just, lovesick?” Anthony teases, to which Dina just slaps his arm. They’re all in a huddle, almost towards the front, and Ellie is so happy they didn’t miss this. She wraps her arms around Dina, the shorter girl coming to fit perfectly just below her head, letting her chin rest on a bed of dark curls. Dina’s hands come up to clutch at Ellie’s arms and she feels the pressure of Dina’s mouth gently kiss her arm through the canvas material.

            The mayor of the town is saying a few words, and Ellie’s laughing to something James said, and adrenaline is coursing through her. Her nose is red, but her heart is warm, and its mere minutes after they’re settled that the lights boom on, snaking their way up the Christmas tree like a snowfall, illuminating the entire square. The lights hit Ellie’s eyes, and she’s transported back to that night, four years ago, with a similar fullness in her heart that she’d never thought she’d feel again.

            It felt like home.

            Home is in her arms.

            The entire crowd erupts into cheers, and Ellie laughs along with them.

~

            Joel will never forget the look on that kid’s face when they turned on those lights for the first time. They were dingy lights, Joel had picked them up at a yard sale when Sarah was young, but by some miracle they still worked, and Joel thanked the Lord they did.

            Dumpy was just that, dumpy and ill-fitting, yet still managed to slot in perfectly in Joel’s little home. His house isn’t fancy, with faded red walls and rugged carpet but the little guy brought the place to life. Although Joel thinks that probably has something to do with Ellie being here.

            “How’s he look?”

            “He’s perfect.” She whispers, and he hands her a small, wrapped object.

            “What’s this?” Her eyes are wide, full of puzzles.

            “Open it.”

            “Joel, I can’t accept-”

            He interrupts her. “Just open it.”

            She wasted no time in ripping it open, and the expression on her face made it all worth it. He’d been working on it for a few weeks now, getting Maria and Tommy to help him figure out how to do it, but he’d done it, and Joel would be lying if he said he wasn’t damn proud. Ellie looks at the cassette tape, and flies over to her backpack, yanking out the Walkman. She’s like a live wire, zipping across the room, until she puts the cassette in and just goes quiet, listening.

            It’s every song they’ve ever listened to together, every piece of music he’d taught her how to play, every lyric they’d butchered singing in the car, all tied up into one tape.

            “Joel, are you kidding me?”

            He’s not expecting the grapple she throws his way, but he probably should’ve been, and the old man pats her back. “I love it.”

“You’re welcome, kiddo.”

~

            Dina’s looking up at her, those huge brown eyes crinkled into a warm smile, and Dina’s turning in her arms, and Dina’s kissing her. It elicits cheers and laughs from their friends around them, who knew it was coming, and could see it long before either of them ever could, and Ellie can feel the other girl smile through the kiss, pressing more tiny ones in between each fraction of her smile. Ellie can taste the faintness of beer on Dina’s tongue, and the adrenaline in the air, and they part, smiling at each other, foreheads knocking forward. The crowds start to disperse, no doubt heading into their cars and homes, but their group stay for a bit, catching up, messing around, laughing until Dina yawns and tugs on Ellie’s jacket.

“I think we’re gonna make a move guys. I think someone’s getting sleepy.” Ellie grins, and the others spare good-natured chuckles at the sleep-ridden expression on Dina’s face. Ellie says goodbye to everyone, dishing out hugs and promises to speak soon, and it’s not long before she’s got her arm around Dina’s shoulder and they’re walking back to Firefly.

“Thank you for that,” Dina starts once they’re on the road. “It was really special.”

She’s leaning against the door, but her feet are up on the seat, and Ellie’s hand is on the gearstick, and they exchange a smile. Ellie just nods.

“Of course.”

“I’m serious. I don’t think anyone’s ever done anything that nice for me before.” Dina insists, and Ellie throws a quizzical glance her way.

“It really wasn’t anything. Jesse never do anything like that for you?”

Dina just stares at her, before she sees the mirth in Ellie’s eyes, giving her a light shove and groaning. “Come off it.” She’s quiet for a second, chin in her hands, looking out on the road. “We were never really like that.”

“I know.”

It’s quiet for a beat, but Ellie should know with Dina, there’s always something.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

Dina takes a breath before speaking. “Did you go to the home after Joel had died?”

Ellie furrows her brows. That came out of nowhere. “Uh, it’s complicated.”

“Y-Yeah, I know. I just, whenever you talk about him, it’s always from when you ere younger. And I know you said he died last year.”

Ellie’s fidgeting now. She’s been so selective in what she’s revealed, and she was hoping the other girl wouldn’t catch on. It seems Ellie’s let her guard down more than she thought. She’s underestimated Dina.

“Has someone said something, or?”

“What?” Now Dina’s eyebrows are knitted together. “No, no.” She falters, but then turns her body round to Ellie. “I’m just trying to get to know you.”

“Oh.” Ellie nods, her eyes wide, turned back to the road. “Uh, well, no, I didn’t actually. We, um…” she swallows, her mouth dry. “We had a, I guess you could say, a falling out. A big one. And I, moved to St. Mary’s about a year before his death.”

“Oh. I’m sorry, I didn’t realise, I shouldn’t have asked-”

“No, it’s fine.” Ellie quickly interjects. She feels that guilt again, she’s come a long way from being the scared little kid, but she’s still in there. “It’s probably time I told you anyway.”

“Okay… Why did you fall out?”

            Her fingers tap on the driving wheel, and her eyes stay forward. “He, uh, hid something from me. Something that I would probably have liked to have known. For years, too. It was one of those ones where your world turns upside down. And so, in the year before his death, we were practically strangers.”

            “Oh, Ellie.”

            “Its fine.”

            It’s not fine, and Ellie can feel her eyes burning, but it feels good to say it out loud.

            “If it’s any consolation, he wouldn’t blame you. I know he wouldn’t.”

            “Thank you.” It’s barely a whisper.

            Dina reaches out to squeeze Ellie’s hand, stopping her fingers from drumming on the wheel, and Ellie squeezes back. Dina takes her hand back, and curls up next to Ellie, face just resting slightly on Ellie’s thigh, legs curled up on the seat.

Ellie concentrates on the road for a second, and soon enough, light snoring comes from beside her, and Ellie just stifles a laugh. If someone would have told her that the prissy princess that tried to run her over with a horse on their first meeting, would turn out to be a sleepy, cuddly mess of a girl who would get her to finally open up, she wouldn’t have believed it. She doesn’t put any music on, mostly because she doesn’t want to wake Dina, but also because she’s enjoying the silence after the unexpected heaviness that has settled in her chest. The driver’s window is slightly down, and so she’s getting a breeze and the sound of winds and the roads peek through to her. It’s relaxing, and the rest of the drive goes by with ease.

They’re pulling up on the drive of the ranch now, the barn towering over the ranch with its construction and white sheets. It’s looking better every day, but it’s still got a couple more weeks to go, with it having to be built from the ground up again, but Ellie finds she doesn’t mind the displacement, not with the warmth of the fireplace every night. Although Gabe and Anita haven’t directly said anything, they also didn’t say Ellie could crash in Dina’s room, and she’s been assigned to the couch. It’s probably for the best, and Ellie doesn’t mind.

“Dina. Dina, we’re home.” She gently shakes the curled-up girl awake, and Dina’s eyes slowly blink open, legs stretching out as she yawns herself to life. They get out quietly, it’s gone past one in the morning, and tiptoe across the drive and up to the front porch, taking their shoes off outside and taking great care to open the squeaky porch door, and a warmth envelops them as they step inside.

Both girls jump at Gabe sitting in the kitchen, a small light coming from a few candles beside him, face in papers and documents. He looks up, and his eyes are tired, dark underneath, but he smiles at them both.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Dina moves towards her father, kissing the top of his hair. “Couldn’t sleep?”

The older man shakes his head. “Too much to do. This insurance business is tricky.”

Dina just lets out a mphm in response. (What else is there to say?)

“Do you need any help?” Dina opens the fridge, reaching for the glass jug of water, and Ellie takes it as her cue to go to the cupboard for three glasses. She sets them down on the table, and Dina fills them each with water. Ellie picks up her glass and brings it to her mouth, it’s slightly too cold for her, but she drinks it all anyway. Dina takes hers slowly, sipping it. Gabe’s stays untouched.

“No, I’m fine.” He waves them away, eyes never drifting from the paper. “You girls go to sleep.”

Dina frowns, and Ellie sees the worry in her eyes. They’ve all been working more than they should be, but it’s clear to see Gabe is struggling under the weight of everything, but he’s a proud man, and he won’t accept anyone’s help. It’s why Ellie doesn’t mind the long hours. They stay there for a moment, both unsure, before Gabe looks up and takes off his glasses, pinching his nose. He looks older by the candlelight.

“Really, girls. It’s okay.”

“If you say so.” Dina laments, taking hers and Ellie’s glasses and setting them gently down in the sink. “Goodnight, papa.”

She pats his shoulder as she moves out of the kitchen as a goodbye, and Ellie follows her lead. She’s almost out of the kitchen when Gabriel raises a hand.

“Ellie, you got a letter today. I put it on the couch for you.”

She raises an eyebrow but nods her thanks. Everyone she knows in this town either has her cell, or they live within driving distance. She doesn’t think too much of it, and carries on following Dina, who’s now stood on the first step of the staircase leading to upstairs and turned towards Ellie. This, Ellie knows, and she steps into the other girl’s arms and their lips meet gently, Dina giving Ellie’s a slight tug with her teeth.

“I wish you could come upstairs.”

Ellie just fucking giggles, and sighs. “Me too. Goodnight.”

“Night.”

Ellie’s eyes follow Dina as she goes up the stairs, with the girl giving her one last look, her eyes full of something, until she’s in her room, and Ellie’s feet are carrying her to the bathroom, her hands reaching for her toothbrush.

She’s brushing her teeth and staring in the mirror, something she doesn’t often do anymore, for lack of time. She’s looking at the slight slice between her eyebrow, the freckles that adorn her face, millions of them splattered everywhere, like flicks of a paintbrush. She’s looking at her rough cheeks, the sunset rosiness in them that never really goes away, no matter how hard she scrubs in the shower. She’s looking at herself in the mirror, and all she can see is Joel.

~

“You’re gonna have to tell her, Joel.”

He peeks in through the glass doors, Ellie had fallen asleep on the sofa in the middle of one of a Christmas eve special that was on television, and was laying sprawled across the sofa, mouth wide open. The phone had rang, and so not wanting to disturb her, Joel had taken it outside onto the back porch, and he was glad for it now.

“What the hell am I supposed to tell her? The woman’s an addict, Tommy.”

“So were you once, brother. You can’t hide this from her, it’s the girl’s Mother we’re talking about. Maria agrees with me.”

“What am I supposed to say, ‘I know your Mother was declared missing, but she’s now alive, an addict, and wants custody of you?’ There’s no way I’m letting go of that kid, god knows where she’ll end up. Probably on the street again.”

“Joel, that ain’t right. And you know it.”

Joel feels the anger rising up in him, but it’s not really anger, it’s panic. Panic that she’ll get taken from him, because if he wants to admit it or not, Ellie’s become a daughter to him, a part of his home and his routine, and he’s scared. Scared to lose her.

“I don’t care. I’m not telling her, she’s only fifteen.”

“Okay, brother, whatever you say.”

Click.

~

It hadn’t taken Ellie long to get herself ready for bed, donning trusted sweatpants and a hoodie for the cold night, getting the blankets from the hot air cupboard beside the boiler, and saying a goodnight to Gabriel once he’d retired himself to bed. She had the whole of the living room to herself, and this was her favourite time of night, sitting by the fireplace, which had been out for some time, but was still emitting a small amount of warmth from it’s embers. Swaddled in blankets, Ellie’s eyes catch sight of a yellow folded end jutting out of them. The letter. She must have forgotten about it and sat on it.

She pulled it out, expecting a college newsletter about returning in the spring, or something from Marlene, but that wasn’t what she got.

She’d recognise that handwriting anywhere.

Her heart feels like it’s dropped through the couch onto the hardwood floor beneath her, her feet numb, her hands shaking. Suddenly the blankets feel like they’re drowning her, strangling her, and all she can do is choke.

Recipient:

Ellie Williams,

Linden Ranch,

Jackson County.

That was her address, sure, she knew that.

Send back to:

Tommy Miller,

28 Constance Way,

City of Seattle.

Now, that. That wasn’t hers.

But she knew exactly who it belonged to.

A name Ellie never thought she’d see again, there, in black pen, in her hands.

She was going to be sick.

Chapter Text

Return to Sender.

Bile forces its way up through her throat, bringing tears to her eyes and shooting pains to her sinuses. Throwing the blankets draped on her aside, her feet carry her through the quiet house until she’s throwing open the front door and heaving, doubled over the porch railing. 

            Ellie heaves until there’s nothing left to give, her head spinning, her throat sore, sweat pouring down her forehead. She wipes her mouth with the sleeve of her hoodie, and that warm content feeling she had is just a memory, replaced by a deep-bone chill. 

Tommy Miller.

            Ellie hadn’t even opened the letter, hadn’t even read the first word, and was now bent over, gasping for breath, vision blurry. The night air was sub-zero, biting at her ears, yet she felt stifled, suffocated. She willed her feet to take her back inside, but they wouldn’t move. The last time she’d seen Tommy was at the funeral, and Ellie couldn’t think about that right now. She still remembers the moment she had found out, the feeling of her blood running cold, the sound of her ears ringing, and the rest of the world fading away. The funeral had come quite soon after his death, and Ellie almost didn’t go, couldn’t go. But she did. 

            She went, and stood at the back, and held it all in, avoiding Joel’s family like the plague. Not because she didn’t want to see them, because she desperately did, but because she was ashamed. That same white-hot feeling of shame is coursing through her now.

            28 Constance Way.

            Ellie takes a steadying breath, letting her head fall forward, her arms pushing her away from the railing, outstretched. Her hair falls into her face, and she closes her eyes, letting herself settle. The adrenaline is wearing off, her toes and fingers feeling the chill of winter, and she straightens herself up. Ezra’s land around her is quiet, and the redhead takes it all in for a few moments more. She doesn’t know what is waiting for her in that envelope, but she knows she has to open it. For Joel. So, she wills her feet to move, to take her inside and this time, they do.

            City of Seattle.

            She doesn’t sleep a wink that night.

~

            “If there was something wrong, you’d tell me, right?”

            They’re both sitting at the breakfast table, young green eyes opposite older brown. Ellie has been living with Joel for just under a year now, but neither of them are used to the mornings together yet. Sure, they’ve memorised each other’s sleep schedules, how they like their eggs, the ratio of coffee to hot water in the French press, and of blueberry to syrup on Ellie’s pancakes. They’ve gotten used to all of that, it’s the way it comes naturally to both of them that throws the two. 

            Joel takes a few seconds to respond and changes the course of their journey more than they both ever could imagine.

            “Of course, kiddo. What’s this about?”

            “N-nothing.” Ellie hadn’t thought that far ahead. She’d drifted off last night during a Christmas special that was playing on TV and had awoken to angry tones in hushed voices but hadn’t been able to make any of them out. She hacks at her pancakes and stuffs a big bite into her mouth. She cringes, he’s put too many blueberries in them this morning.

            “I’m just checking we’re still good on Operation Christmas Miracle.”

            Joel chokes on his coffee. “Are we still on this?”

            Ellie has been asking, practically begging for a puppy for the better part of six months for a puppy, but Joel had always made the excuse of them both working at the shop, to which Ellie had pointed out that the puppy could come to work, but Joel had brushed her off.

            “We never left it, Joel.” Ellie deadpans, but his expression makes her falter.

            He notices, and there’s a moment of silence between them.

            “Well, it ain’t happening, so quit dreamin’ and get ready.”

            Joel says it with a chuckle, and a ruffle of Ellie’s hair as he gets up and puts his finished coffee mug in the sink. Ellie pouts and carries on eating her pancakes as he leaves the room, the overwhelming tartness of the blueberries making her grimace through every bite, but she finishes it anyway. There’s a sour taste left on her tongue when she’s finished, and it doesn’t leave for the rest of the day.

~

            “Good morning, sleepyhead.”

            Ellie’s green eyes flutter open and, like so many mornings before, are met with huge brown ones smiling at her, crinkled at the edges. She’s in that rare moment only found in the early mornings, before reality is remembered, and blissful ignorance has her temporary hold. Dina takes her breath away, and then those brown eyes turn into the older ones from her dreams, last night flooding back to her, and she truly can’t breathe. 

            “Are you okay?” Dina’s smile drops, and Ellie can’t reply, her chest tight. 

            Dina goes into autopilot, she’s slept beside Ellie enough times now to know what was happening, and what to do. Fitting herself beside the taller girl, Dina burrows herself into Ellie’s side, wrapping her arms around her waist, and Ellie’s shaking hands are on top of them instantly, clutching on as if she would be lost if she let go.

            It doesn’t last long, with Dina whispering comforting words into her ear, and Ellie’s breathing evens out, her chest rising and falling slower with each breath, her hands becoming steadier. When it’s over, Ellie brings a hand up to rub her eyes, a final shaky breath escaping her.

            “You haven’t had one of those in a while.” Dina whispers beside her, and Ellie squeezes the smaller girl’s arm with her free hand, the other now pinching her nose, her eyes still closed.

            “Mhmm.”

            When Ellie finally opens her eyes again, Dina’s are boring into hers, and the sight makes her heart constrict a little, but she’s able to breathe normally.

            “Is everything okay? Should I be worried?” Dina asks, and Ellie rolls over to face the younger girl, the hand that was on her face now slides underneath Dina’s neck, snaking round the dark-haired girl's shoulders, and pulling her closer to the redhead.

            “I’m fine.”

            Dina looks at her dubiously, which makes Ellie give a tight chuckle.

            “I’m fine. It just… still happens sometimes. I don’t know why.”

            Ellie hopes her lie isn’t obvious, and if Dina thinks it is, she doesn’t show it. Dina leans up and presses a soft kiss onto Ellie’s mouth, which Ellie smiles into and returns.

            “You’d tell me if there was something wrong, right?” 

            That one hurt.

            “Of course.”

The fresh air was doing little to clear her mind, Ellie’s brain rereading every single word in that goddamn letter, over and over again, making her feel just as nauseous as she did the night before.

Gabe had given her the day off after her extra shift yesterday, with him and Ezra taking over the duties for the day so she and Jesse could have some rest. So, naturally, she had found herself being persuaded by a certain brunette that a trail ride was exactly what they needed that morning, and that is exactly how she found herself beside Dina, riding Shimmer, who was getting sick of her nervous energy, and wasn’t being quiet about it either.

“Are you sure there’s nothing wrong? You’re so quiet.” Dina’s looking straight at her again, and Ellie can’t meet her eyes, instead opting to stare out onto the open space in front of them, the horses carrying on their steady pace.

“I told you, I’m fine. I’m just tired.”

Ellie finds she hates lying to Dina, she’s never had to do it before, never wanted to and she never wants too again. The envelope is in her pocket, she hadn’t trusted herself to hide it well at Ezra’s, scared someone would find it. She could just get it out right now, hand it to Dina, and be done with the burden. Except, every time she even thinks about telling the other girl about the letter, that bile rises up her throat again, and it takes everything in her to keep it down.

Dina’s quiet for a moment, the only noise between them is the jingling of the horse’s tack. She looks like she wants to ask something, and Ellie’s stomach curdles.

Please don’t ask about the letter, please don’t ask about-

“Is it because of our conversation yesterday? Did I, like, cross a line?”

An array of emotions make their way onto Ellie’s face before understanding dawns on the older girl. “Oh. Oh. Oh god, Dina, no way. This has nothing to do with you. Please trust me on that.”

Relief is clear on Dina’s face, before it’s her turn to look confused.

“So, it is something?”

            “Dina, no. It’s nothing. Please just drop it.”

            Dina flinches slightly at that, which Ellie catches out of the corner of her eye, and guilt floods through Ellie instantly. She hates everything about this, every single emotion is swirling inside of her, and she just wants the subject dropped. They’re quiet for a while, and it’s slightly awkward. They've had fights and arguments, but it’s always been explosive, and they’ve always laid everything out for the other, this is different. This feels different.

            After a while, Dina changes the subject, always so quick to bounce back quickly.

            “So, uh, I think the twins are thinking of holding a little get together for the holidays if you wanna-”

            “Yes.” Ellie breathes, but it’s too quick and they both know it.

            It’s quiet again, and Ellie can’t stand it. They’re homeward bound now, and her conversation with Jesse the night before plays on her mind.

            “Will you go on a date with me?” she blurts out.

            Dina starts laughing, but then falters, as a look of disbelief makes its way onto her features, which amuses Ellie. They’ve never been on a real date, as Jesse so kindly had reminded her. And the lights didn’t count. Ellie tells Dina as much before the darker haired girl can get a word in.

            “It’s okay if you don’t want to, I just thought it could be-”

            “Yes,” Dina’s laughing again, the awkwardness between them forgotten. “Of course I’ll go on a date with you. Ellie. I’d love to.”

            “Okay, cool.” Ellie’s grinning now, the letter momentarily pushed aside. She’s fine, she can deal with it when she gets home, even though it’s burning a hole in her jacket pocket. Her mind is already running through date ideas, activities, things Dina likes, and a part of her knows that while she’s already been wanting to do this for a while, the other part knows she’s just found another way to do what she knows how to do best; run.

~

            When the two girls get back to Eza’s ranch, Gabriel and Ezra are pulling into the drive. They’ve clearly been out to Linden, Gabe’s ranch, as the older brother is on the phone, talking animatedly, and it looks like good news. He hangs up as the girls reach the two men and shoots the biggest smile Ellie has seen from him all week their way.

            “That was the insurance company, the recording Jesse sent was proof enough. The barn is being covered!” He’s all but jumping for joy, and the girls jump down from their horses, laughing.

            “That’s incredible, Dad!” Dina throws herself into her father’s arms, both of their laugh’s musical in the late morning air. Ellie grins, taking the reins of both horses in one hand and offering out the other for the older man to shake, which he ignores and instead uses to pull her in on the daily hug. The horses jerk their heads at the sudden movement, which just makes the three of them laugh. Ezra has jumped out of his truck now, and takes both horses from the redhead, smiling at the scene before him.

            “I’m so happy to hear that, Gabe.” Ellie grins, and she hates to admit but it’s still a sore spot for her after the whole ordeal with the heater.

            Gabe smiles at her, his eyes warm, and just squeezes her shoulder. “Thank you, Ellie.”

            Dina starts chatting excitedly, full of ideas and upgrade plans for the barn, arm linked with her Father’s as they start making their way up to Ezra’s house. Ellie lingers back, and lets them talk, instead choosing to take in the air around her. Ezra’s land is different to Gabriel’s; the barn is a faded red, whereas the one Ellie calls home is, was, a deep oak, with the round pen directly next to it and a bigger riding arena across the way - Ezra only has a round pen around the side of his house. There’s no attic in his loft either, with his business being mostly cattle, unlike Gabe’s riding school and trail rides. They’re not bad differences, they’re just that; differences. While they’ve all moved back into Gabe’s house, Ellie finds that they’re all still spending a lot of time at Ezra’s, which makes sense, seeing as all of the horses are in his fields. She just misses her little loft, and her barn, and the routine she’d built for herself. Ellie wonders if they’ll be herded back over once the barn is finished being built. As Ellie walks over to where Ezra is untacking both horses, she finds herself missing her little loft and tiny bed.

            “Hey, I’ll do the rest.” Ellie reaches Ezra and starts undoing belts and fastenings around Japan’s stomach.

            “You sure?” Ezra grunts, and when Ellie nods, he tips his hat in thanks, and heads out of the barn, leaving the young girl alone. It doesn’t take her long to untack both horses, and she spends a while grooming them, picking their feet out, spraying their tails and manes, brushing their coats. It calms her, distracts her, and she finds herself forgetting about the world for a little while. It’s nice and does a little to ease her tight chest. 

            She can’t brush them forever, so once they’ve been fed and turned out into the paddock, Ellie’s back to her own devices. It’s her day off, and while she could just jump into Firefly and head back to Dina’s, Ellie instead finds herself walking aimlessly around Ezra’s barn, looking at his cork boards full of old rodeo photos. The photos amuse the redhead, as did the idea that he’d ever joined the circuit. Yet, she’s not surprised, the thought of Ezra roping cattle or riding bulls is the most Ezra thing she’s ever heard, and she wonders if Joel would have been the rodeo sort if he’d ever lived here instead of in the city.

            Joel.

            Just like that, Ellie’s brought back to reality, the envelope that had been sitting in her pocket all day started to feel heavy, and her eyes blurry. She carries on walking through the barn, around the corner to the hay piles, and climbs up on top. Freckled fingers shuffle around in her pocket, and as she settles into the hay, hidden from the view of the barn, she pulls it out. Ellie looks it over like she did for hours the night before, memorising every swirl of the writing on the front, the grooves of her name, in a way she used to see every week in the shop books. She doesn’t know why she brought it with her. Her sight blurs again, as she pulls the paper out of the envelope, opening it to read it for the thousandth time. 

~

            “Hey.”

            Ellie looks up, her uncle looking down at her, warmth, and caution both present in his expression. She shoots up, too quick and lets out an awkward cough, which the older man smiles at.

            “Uh, hey.”

            She looks at her feet, faded red converse scuffing at the cement ground beneath them. 

            “Wanna go get something to eat?”

            Ellie looks up again, Tommy’s expression earnest, he’s trying here. She doesn’t really eat much anymore, but he doesn’t need to know that. So, she agrees.

            “Yeah, sure.”

~

            “Ellie?”

            Ellie’s head whips up, stuffing the letter back into the envelope and into her pocket. Footsteps echo in the barn, and Dina’s voice fills the large room.

            “Over here.” Ellie calls back, and it’s not long before she hears the telling crunch of the younger girl climbing over the hay bales.

            “What are you doing behind here?” Dina laughs, all but falling Ellie as she tries to climb down into the spot the redhead has taken residence in. She lands clumsily in Ellie’s lap, inches away from the paper in Ellie’s pocket, and turns to the older girl, giddy. “Cosy.”

            Ellie just chuckles and snakes her arms around the brunette’s waist. “What’s got you in such a good mood?”

            “Oh, nothing. Just that the horses should be going home by next week.”

            Ellie grins at that. “Next week? Sick.”

            Dina burrows into Ellie, both of them laying in the hay, not for the first time. Ellie’s mind wanders to the time they hid in the stable from Gabriel, only for Jesse to see them in the corner of the stall. It makes her vibrate with silent laughter, and Dina looks up at her, her eyes glinting, as if she’d had the same memory. They grin at each other, but Ellie’s mind is still heavy. She can’t think about it anymore, can’t spend any more of the day feeling like her heart is about to fall out of her chest. Her face falls slightly, and it doesn’t go unnoticed.

Dina goes to say something, probably about this morning, but Ellie cuts her off with a kiss. Dina makes a sound of surprise, which makes the redhead grin into the kiss, propelling her further. Arms already wrapped around Dina, she manoeuvres the other girl and flips her onto her back, Ellie hovering over her.

Dina just gasps, hair ruffled, eyes wide. “Well, hi.”

“Hi.” Ellie breathes back.

She wastes no time in darting back down, her lips finding Dina’s, but it’s her turn to be surprised. Dina’s over the initial shock, and before Ellie knows it, Dina’s arms are wound around her neck tightly, the darker girl’s back arching up into her front. Ellie feels lightheaded, every time they find themselves in this position, she can’t quite believe that it’s real. Dina’s still kissing her, with so much intensity, their mouths crushed against each other and Ellie feels like she’s going to pass out. Her hands are running up and down the younger girl’s body, hiking her thigh up against Ellie’s waist. She’s being pushed back on her heels now, expecting Dina to follow to sit on her lap, but instead, she’s flipped onto her back with a yelp, a flushed Dina towering over her, grinning triumphantly. Ellie’s eyes are wide, her mouth parted.

“What are you-” She starts, but Dina crashes her lips onto Ellie’s to quiet her. 

It’s not that Ellie’s always the one that naturally takes the lead in these things, but Ellie is always the one that takes the lead in these things, and she’s not sure if it’s the sudden movement or the way Dina is mouthing kisses down her neck that has the air knocked out of her chest. Ellie lets out a small moan at the contact, and a hand darts to her mouth. 

“Anyone could walk in.” Ellie grins, words muffled underneath Dina’s olive hand.

“You better be quiet then.” Dina quips back, and Ellie swears she’s seeing stars.

Dina’s hands are now running down her waist, coming to rest on her hip bones, thumbs pressing down, rubbing circles into the skin there. It sends shockwaves through Ellie, she’s struggling to breathe evenly, her body reacting instinctively to every tiny movement Dina makes. They’ve slept together before, but it’s always been in the quiet hours of the morning, always soft, always Ellie in the driver's seat. When Dina’s hands snake up Ellie’s jacket, and the other starts undoing the buttons, Ellie stops breathing altogether. No one has ever touched her like this, and she breaks away from the kiss, her mind going into overdrive.

“Is everything okay?” Dina’s hands still almost instantly, her brown eyes full of worry. Ellie’s eyes are closed, her breathing still erratic, and when they open, she’s greeted with the most gorgeous sight she’s ever seen. Dina’s ponytail is now a haphazard mess on her head, half filled with straw, her cheeks are flushed, and her eyes are staring into Ellie, filled with something she can’t begin to explain. Ellie grins and pulls Dina towards her again.

“Yeah. More than okay.”

Their mouths crash together again, and Dina’s hands are pulling at Ellie’s jacket, her hoodie, until she’s down to the checked shirt and Ellie’s bare stomach is exposed. She should be freezing in the middle of winter, but Ellie’s burning from the inside out. Dina’s peppering kisses along Ellie’s jaw, and Ellie has never felt so loved. They’re gentle kisses, pressed with the utmost care into the freckles that dance along Ellie’s entire body. Dina’s hands mirror this softness, as one hand comes to rest on the button of Ellie’s jeans. 

“Can I?” Dina whispers into Ellie’s jaw, and the redhead can all but manage a nod back.

Dina’s hand makes light work of Ellie’s zipper, and when she slips it into Ellie’s underwear, her vision blacks out.

            “You’re so handsome, you know.” Dina smiles down at Ellie, head propped up with one elbow, and Ellie raises an eyebrow. The adrenaline is only just wearing off, her breathing slowing again, and the cold has come back. She shivers and reaches for her hoodie. 

            “Handsome?” Ellie has to admit, she likes the sound of that. She knows she’s pleasant looking, but the redhead has never really felt desirable, never paid much attention to her appearance. That word hits a spot she didn’t know she had, and Ellie finds she likes the way the word makes her feel.

            “Yeah. You’re so, like, rugged. That eyebrow slit really gets me going.”

            Ellie laughs at that, pulling the hoodie over her head. When her face peeks through, Dina’s waiting there, pecking a quick kiss onto Ellie’s mouth. The brunette goes to pull away, but Ellie grabs her by the waist, holding Dina still and showering her with kisses, the other girl laughing and swatting Ellie away. 

            “Come on.” Ellie rolls her eyes, and gets up, brushing the hay from her clothes. Dina’s just sitting still, grinning at the redhead.

            “What’s so funny?” Ellie suddenly feels self-conscious. “Is there hay in my hair?”

            “There’s hay in your hair.”

            Ellie scoffs, holding out a hand, which Dina takes, and they tumble down the hay bales, failing miserably at avoiding getting hay anywhere else, as Dina falls and takes Ellie down with her. Their laughter fills the quiet barn, eliciting a couple of nickers from a few of the horses, which makes the two girls laugh more. Their hands are still entwined, and Ellie brings them up to press her mouth lightly against Dina’s, which earns her a squeeze in return.

            “So, when are we going on that date?”

            Ellie grins again, but it’s mischievous this time.

~

            They’re sat at a diner booth, opposite each other, both picking at their untouched plates. Tommy’s had around three coffees, and Ellie’s hot chocolate is half drunk, cold, marshmallows melted and congealed over the top of the brown liquid. They’ve been doing this every so often, just coming to this diner, sitting opposite each other with meals they know they won’t finish, not really talking. It’s awkward every time, Ellie has completely closed off, and every time, Tommy recognises the young girl sat opposite him less and less, as she withdraws back into herself, back into the girl she was at the home. He feels helpless to stop it.

            “School going okay?”

            “I dropped out of school when I was 15, Tommy.” Ellie deadpans, looking out of the window when her plate got boring. She’s only seventeen now, on the brink of eighteen, but she feels so much older. There’s a weight she carries herself with that adds years onto her.

            “Oh, yeah. ‘Course. Sorry.”

            Ellie sighs at that, guilt stinging at her. “I’m sorry, I know this took a lot. Thank you for bringing me here.”

            Tommy breathes out some of his tension, visibly deflating. “You don’t have to thank me, Ellie. We’re still family.” A pause. “How are things? You eatin’ okay?”

            “Things are… fine.” She struggles with that. “Uh, a little rough, but I’m doing okay.”

            The bags under her eyes, the scabs across her knuckles and the gauntness of her face speaks a different story to the older man, and he lets out a sharp breath of air, which has Ellie tensing up, a hand grabbing a cold fry and stuffing it into her mouth. It tastes like cardboard.

            “How’s uh, things with you?” she manages, knowing he sees right through her.

            “Things are fine.” Tommy nods, thankful for the conversation. “Shop’s doing well, Maria convinced me to finally get that extension, and Joel is-” He stops, deadpan.

            Ellie’s whole body goes cold, but she pushes past it. 

            “You can say his name, Tommy.”

            “I know, I know.” He laments, and pauses, but Ellie can tell more is coming. It’s always on the tip of his tongue. “He misses you; you know. We all do.”

            Ellie smiles, but it’s more of a grimace. 

            “And I know you don’t wanna talk to him, I get it, I do, but he’s worried sick about you. Just… Could you just let him know you’re okay?” He’s pleading, in his own way, she can tell.

            “I…” Ellie breathes, breath forcing its way through gritted teeth. “I can’t.” She stares into the older man’s face now, brown eyes meeting green. “I can’t, Tommy. I can’t talk to him, I can’t be reminded of-”

            “I know he hurt you, Ellie, we all know that. What he did was wrong, but he-”

            Ellie goes to speak, to interrupt, but chokes up. She hasn’t spoken to Joel in months, he calls and emails, but she never answers, she avoids the shop, avoids his street, avoids him. After their fight, she stuffed her belongings into her worn backpack and turned up at the home in the middle of the night, where she’d been taken in. Joel had been in the process of becoming her adoptive father, but the paperwork hadn’t been processed yet, and so Ellie had been in the home since that night. She was back to her bunk bed, back to always having one eye open, back to barely eating, barely sleeping, barely processing. She felt the weight of what she now knew on her shoulders all of the time, crushing her windpipes, crushing her. She couldn’t deal with her emotions, with what he had taken from her, and so she ran from it. It was going to kill her, she knew it, keeping it in. Anytime someone asks about her sudden return to the home, it ends with a brawl, her fight or flight kicking in, and more often than not, the smaller girl fights her way out of these things, her attitude too big for her small frame. She would rather be thrown a punch than a lifeline. The feeling of betrayal cuts deeper than any fist ever could.

            But what’s worse is, more often than not, she misses Joel so much she can’t breathe.

            “I can’t-” She tries again, but this time her body is wracked with sobs. Tommy had done a good job of avoiding the topic of his brother in their meetings before, but the skinnier Ellie got, the more they all just wanted her home. This time was different.

            It wasn’t going to be long before she broke down, they both knew it was coming, but neither of them would have guessed it would be in a diner in the middle of Seattle.

            “Hey, hey,” Tommy is up in an instant, walking around their booth to sit beside Ellie, and she collapses against him in an instant. He brings his arms around her, hands smoothing down her unbrushed hair, and Ellie clings to him. “It’s okay.”

            They sit like that for a while, Ellie finally breaking, and Tommy holding her together. When she calms down, eyes as red as her hair, puffed up and sore, Tommy pats her back and chucks a twenty on the counter.

            “Come on, let’s get you home.”

~

Ellie’s still picking straw out of her hair by the time dinner time comes around, but she can’t shake the idiotic grin plastered on her face, nor the way her face turns a burning red directly afterwards. Dina had headed home for some homework she had to catch up on for school the next day, while Ellie had agreed to help out with bringing in some of the horses, and so they hadn’t been able to see each other for the rest of the day, but Ellie didn’t mind. It gave her some time to think about everything, and the letter didn’t seem like such a daunting thing after all.

The letter.

Shit. Ellie realises she never picked up her jacket when they left the barn.

She has the last two of Ezra’s horses in each of her hands, and so picks up the pace a little bit on the way back from the field, the horses trotting behind her. She leads them into their stalls, chucking their feed buckets over the gate as she bolts both shut. Jogging over to the end of the barn where they were just hours earlier, she climbs over the piles and squints in the evening lighting for a pile of green but finds only the gold of the hay pile. 

“Fuck.” She breathes, “fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.”

Clambering down, Ellie jogs past the other horses, and Ezra is nowhere to be found. Ellie spends the next twenty minutes searching the land, and when she comes up short, the redhead jumps into Firefly, and makes the journey back to Linden.

The entire journey, Ellie drums her fingers anxiously against the wheel, her legs shaking, and her eyes wide. She feels like she’s on high alert, every sense in her body heightened, every nerve standing on edge. When she pulls into the familiar drive of Gabe’s ranch, she floors it, and swerves Firefly next to the other trucks, pulling her key out of the ignition, and slamming the door behind her as she jumps out of the truck. She doesn’t even bother to lock the doors behind her.

Ellie swings open the front door, throwing herself through the threshold and into the familiar kitchen. Gabe is standing over the stove, with Anita prepping vegetables, and both of them startle at her abrupt arrival.

“Everything okay, Ellie?” Anita asks, slight amusement in her face.

“Sorry,” Ellie grimaces, her breath short. “Have you seen a green jacket anywhere?”

Anita pauses her chopping, thinking for a moment, her eyebrows furrowed, but Gabe interjects before she has a chance to answer. “I brought it in from Ezra’s. It should be hung up in the hallway.”

Ellie breathes a sigh of relief. “Thank you, Gabe.”

“You’re we-” Gabe starts, but Ellie is out of the room before he can finish his sentence. Anita just smiles, shaking her head, going back to her vegetables.

            The perfect shade of green mixed with just the right amount of wear is slung over the coat stand in the hallway, just like Gabe said, and Ellie grabs it quickly, her heart hammering through her chest. It’s not that she’s hiding it from anyone, it’s just that she hasn’t even had time to process it herself, let alone have it together enough to tell someone else. And if she was being honest with herself, she didn’t want to process it. Inside those four paper walls were a path, and it was one she didn’t trust herself not to take. Ellie’s always been curious, always done things without thought of the consequences, taken every risk she possibly could, and for once in her life, things were stable. Things were good. And she really didn’t want them to change. 

            She misses the loft. The couch just doesn’t have the same feel.

            Folding the jacket over her arms, Ellie tiptoes into the living room, stuffing the letter in her duffel bags that had taken up residence in the corner of the room. She can’t trust herself. Out of sight, out of mind. She glances at the clock, it’s early evening, she has an hour or so before dinner, and so she climbs the stairs to Dina’s room.

            “Come in.” A light voice calls out, and Ellie opens the door.

            She’s enveloped by the smell of steam and chamomile and is greeted with the sight of Dina sprawled across her bed in her sweats, hair wet, huddled over her laptop. Ellie grins and climbs into the space Dina makes for her without even realising. They’ve become two pieces of the same puzzle, constantly making space for each other in every scenario. Ellie has always thought of herself as an independent person, but her routines with Dina, with Joel, felt like the most natural thing in the world.

            “I’m almost done, I promise.” Dina hums as Ellie presses her lips on the brunette’s ear.

            “You won’t mind if I take a shower then.” 

            “Go for it.”

Ellie takes her time under the hot water, as she always does now, no longer feeling unsafe or vulnerable like the home had taught her, but instead revelling in the heat. She scrubs away the cold, the uncertainty of the day, and just sits in the tub as the water rains down on her. When she emerges, the room is filled with steam, and she takes her time getting dressed, donning a pair of checked pyjama bottoms, and sweatshirt. She’s developed a sort of ritual, wiping the steam from the mirror, counting each of her freckles in the mirror, combing her fingers through her short hair and pulling half of it up into a small bun, leaving the other half hanging. It’s still slightly choppy despite her having grown it out since coming to Jackson, and so her uneven bangs fall out instantly, framing her face. It’s thicker, though, and it has a shine to it that she’s never seen before. Her face has filled out a little too, her cheeks flushed. She looks healthy. Ellie lets out a breath, filled with warmth, and makes her way back into Dina’s room.

            “Hey. How’s it going?” Ellie asks, taking her place once again by a tired Dina’s side.

            “It’s going.” The darker haired girl answers, a yawn taking over, as she closes the laptop screen. “I’ll finish it after dinner.”

            Ellie takes that as her opportunity to wrap her arms around Dina as they both lay down across the bed, legs tangled, two pieces of that same puzzle again. Dina just smiles and burrows her head into the crook of Ellie’s neck, arm slung across the taller girl’s waist.

            “Do you think my parents know we’re together?”

            Together. 

            “I mean, you did make out with me in front of them.”

            Dina stiffens, and Ellie stops breathing for just a second, before Dina is laughing, really laughing. “Oh my God, I did, didn’t I?”

            Ellie leans back now, head propped up by her elbow. “What the fuck? Did you forget?” She’s laughing, pure shock plastered across her face.

            “I totally forgot,” the look on Ellie’s face sends her into another set of hysterics. 

            “You’re the worst.” Ellie gives Dina a light push, but then her expression changes.

            “You just said we’re together.”

            Dina’s laughter dies almost instantly, her head tilted towards Ellie, one eyebrow raised. “Are we not together? Did I miss something?” The other girl is pulling herself to sit up now, anxiety emitting from her in waves.

            Ellie realises where she went wrong. “No, I mean, yes, uh-” She pinches her nose, her eyes screwed shut, this is the last conversation she expected to have tonight. Peeking through one eye, she’s met with an unamused Dina and smiles sheepishly.

            “I kinda hoped we were. It just never felt like the right time to ask.”

            Dina nods, a small smile making its way onto her face. “Yeah.”

            Ellie’s feeling braver, but it all comes out as one word. “I think about calling you my girlfriend all the time.”

            Dina’s smile is even bigger now. “So, why don’t you?”

            “Wait, really?” Ellie’s eyes feel like they’re going to pop out of their sockets. 

            Dark curls shake as Dina nods her head, but the younger girl doesn’t get to respond as Ellie launches herself at her, pale pink lips crashing against brown ones.

            Ellie doesn’t think she’ll ever tire of kissing Dina, her girlfriend, because she feels giddy against her right now, her arms wrapped for the millionth time that day around her girlfriend’s body, pulling her closer. Their bodies slot together perfectly.

            They pull away, grinning to each other, just as a voice calls them down for dinner.

            “Let’s go, girlfriend.”

            “You make me want to throw up.”

            Ellie’s cackle is heard from downstairs.

~

            “This is you, kiddo.”

            Ellie doesn’t even respond, her body faced towards the window, her eyes lost to the storm outside. Tommy’s never really been someone with that much of a soft spot, he and his brother were on their own pretty young, Seattle was a harsh city. Yet, the sight of Ellie, skinnier than he’d seen her in years, with limp hair and a slouch that wasn’t natural for her, sat beside him, was hurting him more than he cared to let on. Never in a million years did he think that his weekend hire for the shop would have ended up making such an impact on their lives. They’d pulled up to St Mary’s, and any sign of life in Ellie had been lost in the drive. 

            “Ellie?” 

            She stirs at that, head turning to face Tommy, but eyes never quite reaching. 

            “Huh? Oh. Okay.” She unclips her seatbelt, and reaches for her bag, bringing it to sit on her lap. “Thanks, Tommy.”

            The young girl goes to open the car door, but falters, and Tommy watches as she drifts into another world again, knuckles white on the car door, but body slumped in defeat. To hell with everything, he can’t sit by and watch this anymore.

            “Put your bag down. You’re stayin’ with me and Maria for the night.”

            Ellie protests, but it’s half-hearted, she knows this is a battle she’s lost before it began, and she simply nods, mute. 

            “This is ridiculous,” Tommy reverses out of the space, and they’re on the road again, the rain picking up as he floors it down the road. “And it’s gone on long enough. I’m not sitting by while you waste away, Ellie. It ain’t right.”

            The young girl doesn’t respond, she doesn’t have any fight left in her.

~

            “Christmas is next weekend, are you going to the twins again this year?”

            They’re all sat at the table, Dina sat beside Ellie, Gabe at the head of the table, Anita to his left, and Ezra has joined them for dinner again. Jesse’s usual spot is empty, and Ellie wonders if he’s with his mystery woman. 

            “Yeah, I think we’re both gonna go.” Dina nods, taking a sip of her water. The spread this evening is simple, matzo ball soup with fresh sourdough bread rolls. Ellie’s had two huge bowls and three rolls, and her stomach feels like it’s going to explode, but she can’t stop eating. She’s tearing into her fourth roll now when Dina nods at her.

            “Yeah, it should be fun.” She adds eloquently, mouth full of soup and bread.

            Dina just rolls her eyes but is grinning into her soup. Ellie doesn’t miss the way Dina’s parents meet eyes, or their knowing smiles, and she doesn’t think Dina does either, because the darker haired girl is suddenly clearing her throat, and Ellie feels a hand slip through hers. Their hands are intertwined on top of the dining table, for everyone to see, and Ellie almost chokes on her matzo ball.

            “What?” Dina asks, her voice light and humours, but with a challenge to it. 

            Ellie just snorts, Dina had always had a fire to her, but lately she was something else. She was becoming unapologetic, and it was making Ellie fall dangerously more for her by the second. The redhead was sure that her parents already knew, like she had said, they had made out in front of them at the show, and Ellie was sure they’d been suspicious for a while. Her mind goes back to the trail ride she’d gone on with Gabe, and his words to her, and now she’s sure of it. Still, this was concrete, this was acknowledgement.

            “We were starting to wonder if you were ever going to tell us.” Ellie has never seen Gabriel’s face come anything close to a smirk before, but this was as close as she was ever going to get, her cheeks burning, wanting to bury her head in the sand.

            “We’re telling you now.” Dina smiles back, and she’s met with two wide smiles from her parents, mirroring hers. It’s crazy how much they all look alike, Ellie muses, the same olive complexions, dark eyebrows, striking features. Even Ezra, who’s sat there looking slightly amused, can be seen on Dina’s face. They’re a very beautiful family, and it tugs at her heart, because she used to look at her own like this. Her own. Ellie draws in on herself then, they were never officially her family, but to call them anything else would have been lying to herself.

            “Before I forget, what was the letter you got yesterday, Ellie?”

            Gabe is smiling, genuinely curious, and suddenly everyone’s eyes are on her, and she feels her heart drop. It’s just a simple question, with such a simple answer.

            She could say it, she could blurt it out right now, lift the weight from her shoulders. 

            But she can’t. Everyone is smiling too wide, and Dina’s hand is warm in hers, and she doesn’t want to ruin this moment of acceptance, and of laughter.

            So, she doesn’t.

            “Oh, just school stuff.”

~

            “Oh, Ellie.” 

            Maria is at her side in an instant, fussing over the younger girl, whose eyes are swollen, and hands are blue. She’s wrapping Ellie in a blanket that the younger girl didn’t even see her pick up, and she’s shoving something warm in her small hands. It burns Ellie’s hands, but she doesn’t care, it smells like sugar and cinnamon. Maria orders her to take a sip, so the young girl does, and it tastes like Christmas. 

            “Tommy texted me while you were on your way here, I can’t believe this.”

            Ellie always loved Maria, she loved Tommy and Joel, but she’d never had a motherly figure in her life, and Maria felt so familiar. Ellie didn’t have many memories of her Mother, just stories that people would tell her of addiction and battles, and the lingering feeling of unsafety from her few years in her mother’s care. Ellie once read that even if children don’t remember their childhoods, which she doesn’t, they remember the way they were made to feel, which Ellie definitely does. The home made her look over her shoulder constantly, but she was already a light sleeper.

            “Does no one at that place have their eyes open?”

            She was grumbling to herself, fussing over Ellie as Tommy was setting down Ellie’s bag, but Ellie couldn’t bring herself to argue. It’s not that they didn’t care, Isaac cared, but Seattle was a bad city. The families of the kids that ended up in that place were bad. They were all doomed from the start, there’s only so much the workers can help when everything is done behind closed doors and in alleyways. 

            She’s eighteen, but she feels like Atlas, carrying the world on her shoulders.

            Ellie starts shivering, and Maria doesn’t miss a beat, shooing her towards the bathroom, not that she needed any guidance. The older woman wastes no time in getting the hot water going in their tub, Ellie always loved that tub, and setting the young girl down to sit on the toilet as she checks the temperature.

            Maria takes another glance at Ellie and just sighs, coming to sit beside her from the floor. The freckled girl smiles weakly in response, she’s yet to say a word, and Maria takes a small hand in her larger one and gives it a light squeeze.

            “You’re family still, Ellie, you know that right?”

            Ellie just nods, once, because she does know it, and that’s the painful part. Maria sighs again and the noise reminds the younger girl of the weight of her burden. The woman checks the temperature again, and once she’s satisfied, she stands up, presses a kiss into Ellie’s hairline, and is met with the smell of smoke. She goes to leave, to give Ellie some privacy, but a small hand grabs tightly onto her.

            “Will you…” Ellie doesn’t look up at her. “Will you stay please?”

            Maria nods and tries not to break inside.

            She washes Ellie’s hair with as much care as she can, careful not to get bubbles in the girl’s eyes, which she knows are sensitive from all of the times she’s seen Ellie after she’s spent too long in the shop, from all of the times they’ve done Maria’s face masks together. That girl is not the one sitting before her, knees pulled up, bony back hunched over them, and Maria is angry. At Joel, at Tommy, at the world. But not at Ellie.

            Never at Ellie.

            “There you go, all done.” Maria hums when the last of the conditioner is out of Ellie’s hair, and the bathwater has a grey tinge to it from the dirt on the girl’s skin. She hands Ellie a towel and looks away as the girl drapes it around her.

            “Come on, I think I’ve got some of your old pyjamas.”

            ~

            “So, like this?” 

            “Uh, kinda.”

            Dina’s sitting cross legged on her bed, guitar propped up awkwardly on her knee, plucking at random strings, and it’s making Ellie itch. It’s painful to watch, but Ellie would be lying if she said it wasn’t kinda hilarious to see Dina be bad at something.

            The darker haired girl just huffs as she plucks another string, the note coming out questionable. “Can you please help me?”

            Ellie grins and makes her way from Dina’s desk over to the bed, the other girl scooting over to make room for her. Ellie’s arms go around Dina and she guides Dina’s left hand to the neck of the guitar, running the girl’s hands over the frets.

            “These are important. They change the tone of each string.”

            Long fingers brush over smaller ones, and they guide the other hand to come to hover above the strings that stretch over the sound hole. She plucks a few of the strings, and a little bar is made, and she smiles, pleased with the tutorial. But when Ellie looks over at Dina, the brunette isn’t looking at her hand anymore, but right up at Ellie, her head tilted back.

            “Hi.” Ellie says for the second time that day.

            “Hi.” Dina whispers back. “What was that?”

            “What was what?” Ellie can’t help but feel a little self-conscious at how close they are, her face towering over Dina’s.

            “What you just played. What is it?”

            “Oh.” The redhead had just played whatever came to mind, not even thinking about it. She blushes a little when she replies. “It’s just a song me and Joel used to sing together.”

            Dina just nods and looks back down at Ellie’s hand over hers. 

            “Will you play it for me?”

            Ellie startles then, that’s the last thing she expected the other girl to ask, and honestly it makes her that little bit more self-conscious. She doesn’t know why, she’s played in front of Dina before, to Dina before, but other people have always been around. While that should have been more embarrassing, this feels more intimate, more vulnerable, and Ellie swallows.

            “Uh, sure.”

            Dina shuffles out of Ellie’s lap, leaning over the taller girl to grab a pillow, and then settles herself across from Ellie, laying on her side with her head burrowed into it. Ellie settles back, feeling the familiar weight of the guitar in her arms, and begins tuning it. The other girl just watches Ellie’s hands work, the delicacy in which they turn the keys, the way they pluck at the strings, her eyes never leaving those freckles, until Ellie clears her throat. There’s no shame in Dina’s eyes, just a wicked glimmer, and it makes Ellie blush.

            “You ready?” Ellie asks, voice light.

            “Always.” 

            Ellie breathes, steadying herself, and her fingers pluck the first four chords. When they sound okay, she gets into it. Hands strumming the strings lightly, she plays the intro, and when it’s time for her to sing, she does so quietly.

“ I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger

Travelling through this world below

There's no sickness, no toil or danger

In that bright land to which I go.”

Her voice is quiet, husky and light at the same time; she hasn’t sang in a while, so it takes her a few notes to get her voice into it, but she settles right in. Dina doesn’t look like she’s heard of this one before, and in a way, Ellie prefers it that way. She carries on.

            “I'm going there to see my mother,

She said she'd meet me when I come

I'm just a-goin' over Jordan

I'm just a-goin' over home.”

Ellie has never been superstitious, but she swears she can feel Joel in the room with her. There are tiny bumps on her arms, a chill through her, and she’s not sure whether it’s just the memory of the last time they sang this song together haunting her, or the man himself, but this is the most connected with Joel the redhead has felt in a long time. Her voice shakes a little over the next course, and she feels a hand come to rest lightly on her knee, rubbing small circles into it.

“I know dark clouds will gather 'round me

I know my way is rough and steep

But beauteous fields lie just before me

Where gods redeemed their vigils keep.”

Ellie’s voice is still quiet, but the rawness in it is undeniable. Her fingers the chords like she learnt them yesterday, and not three years ago, and she sings it like the older man is sitting with her, about to take over for his part.

“I’m going there to see my father

I'm going there, no more to roam

I'm just a-goin' over Jordan

I'm just a-goin' over home.”

Joel would pick up from her here, share the burden of the spotlight, support her when she was running out of breath, but he’s not here anymore, and so this is where the song ends, but Ellie’s glad for it. Her voice goes quiet under the weight of it all.

            “I'm just a-goin' over Jordan

I'm just a-goin' over home.”

Her hands still, and she licks her lips, looking up at the girl sitting before her. The room feels quiet now, the only noise the faint tell of the television downstairs, and Ellie’s heart is hammering so intensely, she’s sure it can be heard in the quiet room. She raises her eyebrows, her mouth pulling into a small smile, eyes looking down as she lets out a breath. When they raise again, they meet Dina’s, whose expression is an exact mirror of Ellie’s.

            “That was beautiful.”

            “Thanks.”

            “Did…” Dina falters, only for a beat, but then carries on. “Did you and- When was the last time you sang that?”

            “Uh…” Ellie’s hand is resting on the neck of the guitar, and she lets her chin drop down onto her hand while she’s thinking. She can feel her rough hand on her cheek, and it’s grounding. “Not long before he died, actually”

            Dina’s eyebrows furrow. “Weren’t you guys estranged?”

            Ellie nods, not quite meeting Dina’s eyes.

“Yeah, but things had… started, uh, to get a little better. I-” She doesn’t have the words to describe her and Joel before he died. It was complicated, their wound healing but with fucked up marks and cysts where it should be clean, neither of them knowing any better. “I’d kept in contact, or rather, Tommy and Maria kept in contact with me.”

“Tommy was, is, Joel’s brother, right?” 

Ellie nods, chin now propped up with her elbow. “Yeah, and Maria’s his wife. She was like a Mother to me.” The older girl shifts now, guitar on her lap, hands coming to fiddle together on the body of it, legs crossed, and she’s still not looking at Dina. She doesn’t know why she can’t look at Dina. “Anyway, uh… They knew all along what he did, and I cut off contact with everyone for a while, until Tommy showed up at the home and wouldn’t leave until I agreed to go out for pancakes with him.”

Both girls share a chuckle at that, the thought of it makes Ellie laugh, despite the reality being a lot grimmer. She forgets about those few months, the events that came in the months after always take priority in her nightmares. 

“Me and Joel had started to, like, heal.” Ellie was nodding, more to herself than anything, she’d never said that aloud before, never acknowledged it. And it was scary because they had. 

~

            Her eyes are sore, sunlight streaming in through the shutters straight into Ellie’s line of sight, and she groans at the sudden intrusion, pulling the duvet over her head. Her mind was slow, wondering why sunlight was the cause of her awakening, when her dorm at the home was in the shadow of the building next door. It hits her all at once, and the freckled girl shoots up, heart racing. It takes her a few seconds to calm down as her head whips wildly around her, taking in the surroundings. There are photographs on the lilac walls, old badges, guitar picks and she realises this was her old room. Ellie had lived with Joel, but Tommy and Maria weren’t able to have children, so she’d been the closest they’d ever had, and they’d made sure she had a room in their home. In these last few months, Ellie’s blocked out so much, forgotten so much, that the last few years of her life were a blur now. She thinks that’s another trauma response from her childhood, not that she fucking remembers any of it. Tentatively getting out of the bed, barefoot landing gingerly on cold hardboard flooring, Ellie takes a few minutes to look around the room, photographs of her pinned up on the walls, but it doesn’t feel like her anymore. It looks like her, but there’s a wide smile, rosy cheeks, and there are people around her. The only person she has now is Cat, and she’s even started pushing her away. Cat’s not one to be rid of so easily though, and she wonders how the girl will react when she gets back.

Voices are heard downstairs, Tommy, and Maria she recognises, expects, but there’s one that makes her blood run cold, and her palms sweat.

“She’s upstairs?” Joel whispers, but he was never any good at it. “Christ Tommy, you should’ve said somethin’. I wouldn’t have come; she doesn’t want to see me.” 

Ellie doesn’t hear Tommy’s reply, he’s actually whispering, and Ellie battles a war in her mind. She feels better, she feels stronger. She’d laid by the fire last night, Maria stroking her hair, Tommy sat on the recliner next to them, and they’d all just watched shitty reruns of old shows late into the night. She’d laid there until she’d fallen asleep, which was a surprisingly long time, and then hadn’t stirred until this morning. Her guess was that Tommy carried her up, and the thought makes her heart pang. 

Ellie’s feet are moving, and before she knows it, she’s quietly opening the door to her room, peeking down the stairs, and she quietly tiptoes out. Their voices are louder now, nearer, and she takes one steadying breath as she walks down the stairs. They’re all standing in the kitchen, their house open plan, and so she peers around the wall from the living room, and she sees him. Greying hair, stout build, donning the same brown coat he’s worn religiously every day since she’s known him, hands on his hips. Joel. He’s facing away from her, Tommy and Maria in her direction, and their faces are strained, but both adults stop when they see her. Joel’s confused as to what is going on, and so he turns around to get a look at what the two adults are staring at, and that’s when Ellie and Joel meet eyes.

            “Hey, Joel.” Ellie’s voice is quiet.

            The older man is visibly taken aback, his eyes wide in disbelief, shock, something else Ellie can’t quite name. She feels vulnerable, standing across from them all like that, so she does what she knows best, does what they’ve done since they’ve known each other.

            “You look like shit.”

            Joel guffaws, his eyes even wider, which Ellie hadn’t thought was possible. They look like they’re going to pop out of their sockets. Tommy and Maria are just watching, not wanting to interrupt this moment. It's been months since Ellie and Joel have spoken, let alone stood in the same room.

            “You don’t look so hot yourself, kiddo.” They slip into it too easily, but Joel tenses once he realises the word he’s used, they both do, because it’s too familiar. Ellie would be able to take anything, hear anything, but not that. Her body is going into overdrive, adrenaline, fear, loneliness all overwhelming her and so she looks to Tommy, taking in a big breath of air.

            “Tommy, can you take me home? Please?”

            Tommy nods, and the moment is broken. Joel looks at his feet, he looks sheepish, and it’s weird for her to see the older man like it. He was always so strong, so sure, a little rough around the edges, but he always moved forward, never looked back. Now, he’s softer, more unsure. It hasn’t even been a year, but it’s taken more of a toll on the both of them than either of them want to admit.

            “Of course, Ellie. Go get your stuff.”

            Ellie nods, and turns to go away, but falters for a second, looking back over her shoulder, not quite meeting the eyes of the man behind her. “It was good to see you, Joel.”

            “Y- You too.”

            She nods, and makes her way back up the stairs, her entire body shaking when she’s out of sight. Ellie wastes no time in changing back into her clothes from the night before, which Maria has washed and left on the side of the bed for her. She must have been up most of the night to do that. She stuffs everything back into her backpack, haphazardly throws the covers over the bed, smoothing them down. She knows Maria will come back in and go over it, but she feels like it’s the nice thing to do. Ellie pulls on her converse and jacket, and takes one last look at the room, drawing in a big steadying breath, before she heads back downstairs.

            When she gets there, Joel is gone.

            “You ready?”

            ~

            Dina’s breathing is slow, her chest rising and falling steadily, and her eyes are shut, her face peaceful. Her dark lashes are like feathers on her face, and even in the darkness, Ellie is taken aback at how breath-taking the other girl is. She reaches out a hand, careful to be gentle, and tucks a stray dark curl behind her girlfriend’s ear. Her girlfriend.

            Ellie can’t sleep tonight, they’d stayed up just talking, talking about Joel, Tommy, and Maria, but also about Talia and Dina’s family, her heritage, their struggles with running the ranch, everything. They spoke until the early hours of the morning, until sleep was pulling Dina into its clutches, and Ellie had felt guilty, the other girl had school in the morning. So, the darker haired girl had let sleep take her, and Ellie had laid awake since, just watching her, studying every dark freckle and mole on Dina’s face, counting each individual one. It might be weird, but Ellie knows how quick she can lose someone, and so she treasures moments like this. 

            “Have you spoken to Tommy since the funeral?” Dina had asked, and the letter had made an unwelcome appearance in the backs of Ellie’s eyes, but she screwed her eyes shut so tightly that it hurt. 

            “No. Not since the funeral.” Another lie, more painful than the last, because while it was technically true, her heart knew what she was doing to the one person she trusted most in the world.

            That same lie was what was haunting her now, keeping her awake, and she couldn’t take it anymore. Ellie presses a small kiss into the top of Dina’s hairline, and silently gets up from the bed, moving noiselessly through Dina’s room. She takes the wooden stairs one step at a time, this house is old and it creaks, and the last thing Ellie needs right now is waking up everyone in the house. She needs to be alone. Really alone.

            Ellie shivers as her bare feet touch the wooden floor, it’s icy, and she takes a sharp inhale as she lays them flat against it, but she moves quickly, making a beeline for her bags. She’s so predictable, and the redhead can’t help but feel a tad pathetic, but she needs this. She needs her lies to Dina, to everyone, to be worth something. Ellie’s long fingers open paper for what feels like the millionth time that day, and she reads it. 

~

Ellie,

I know I’m probably the last person you expected to be writing to you, and I hope you don’t mind that I am. We’ve been trying to find you for a while now, no one at St Mary’s would tell us where you were. Maria grew up near Jackson, we was visiting her family and we saw your face in the local paper, from the horse show, and I struggled for so long not to reach out to you that I had to try.

I know you said you never wanted to see me again, but I’ve been in contact with your Mama, Ellie. She’s alive, she’s not far from Seattle, and she wants to see you.

I know this is hard, and I know after everything that has happened, you have every right not to come home. But please think about it.

We miss you.

I haven't changed my number. I'll be waiting for your call, and if it never comes, I’ll never write to you again.

Tommy.

Chapter Text

Iris is talking about something Ellie knows is incredibly important, something she really should be giving her full attention to, but the words are going in one ear and out of the other. They have exams next week, important exams they should have spent the last term studying for, which is exactly what Iris is telling them now. With everything that has happened in the last few months, exams have been the last thing on Ellie’s mind and the redhead knows she’s going to be paying for that next week. But right now, she can barely keep her eyes open; she hasn’t been sleeping all that well, her mind racing in the late hours.

         “These exams count towards a third of your final grade for the year, and this grade decides whether you get into the veterinary programme next year.” 

         This makes Ellie perk up. She knew it counted towards her final grade, but anxiety pools in the pit of her stomach at the thought of failing the year, of letting down Marlene, of not getting on that vet programme. She feels sick, hands balling into fists, nails digging into palms and drawing blood, all in an attempt to ground her.

         Ellie guesses she must be a painful sight to see, because Sam pushes a note towards her, and her eyes catch scrawled writing across lined paper. The redhead visibly deflates.

         Study group after?

         “Okay, so a 3-year-old Thoroughbred colt is evaluated because of a two-day history of nasal discharge and a decreased appetite. He is housed in a stable with 15 other horses and three have similar signs. Physical examination shows moderate mucoid nasal discharge bilaterally. Mucous membranes are moist and pink. Capillary refill time is less than 2 seconds. Submandibular lymph nodes are enlarged, warm, and painful on palpation. Thoracic and abdominal auscultation discloses no abnormalities. What would you do first?”

         Ellie’s head is swimming from all of the words and concepts at play, none of it sounding like English to her, but her mind whirs to put it all into context. She’d been on a visit with Marlene once, to a farm with an outbreak of sick horses, and they’d dealt with symptoms like this, and it pops into Ellie’s mind.

         “You just isolate the horses with a fever and monitor the rest of them.”

         “What?” Sam is scratching his head, and Ellie takes a small bite of her sandwich. Her appetite still isn’t fully back yet. They’d come to the usual diner after class, the only one that stayed open late enough, and they’d sat in a booth at the back. “It’s that simple?”

         Ellie smiles triumphantly, but sympathy is swirled in the mix. Working at the clinic has taught her more than she realises, has given Ellie practice, and she knows how lucky she is to have that advantage. She’s learnt a lifetime in a month, and Ellie didn’t realise just how valuable experience is. It gives her a slight confidence boost, and the feeling of despair isn’t so looming anymore. Sam is still in the throes of it, so Ellie just grins, and starts going through it with the younger boy. They study for a few hours, the place is almost closed when they’re finished, and Sam looks like he’s about to pass out.

         “Okay, I think we’ve done enough,” Ellie laughs, drool coming out of the corner of his mouth, his eyes drooping shut. “Come on, I’ll drop you home.”

~

         It’s past midnight when Ellie pulls into the drive of the ranch, but Dina’s light glows from her window, and the sight of it makes the freckled girl feel warm inside. She parks Firefly in front of the house, and turns off the ignition, taking a moment to just sit in the deafening silence. The land around her is quiet, all the horses are in the paddocks, and her breath comes out in frosted clouds in the cold of the truck. Pulling her keys out of the ignition, Ellie reaches for her backpack, and jumps out, hissing as the cold air hits her nose. Walking up to the front door, the barn stands tall, almost complete, and Ellie finds herself missing it, the thought of getting her attic back makes her insides warm again. She didn’t realise how much of a comfort her little room, and the smell of hay every morning, had become to her.

         Ellie’s careful to be quiet as she opens the front door, pulls off her old sneakers and makes her way up to Dina’s room. She’s still technically supposed to be sleeping downstairs, but they’ve fallen into a little routine of her slipping into Dina’s room late into the night and heading back downstairs early in the morning. It means they don’t get to wake up together, but Ellie’s fine with that, because she gets Dina in the moments of the early hours, where it’s just the two of them, and it’s quiet and sleepy and warm. It gets harder to leave every morning, and easier to go every night.

         Dina’s door creaks slightly when Ellie opens it, and the darker haired girl stirs at the intrusion, clearly having fallen asleep whilst waiting up for the older girl. Ellie just chuckles quietly to herself, Dina’s surprisingly not very good at the whole waking up thing, and takes a while to come around, but is always coherent enough to latch onto the redhead girl when she’s nearby. Ellie shimmies out of her jeans and hoodie, and into one of her large slogan T-Shirts that always mysteriously disappear and resurface in Dina’s room. The room has a chill, just like the house, it’s age showing, but as soon as Ellie slips into the covers, she’s greeted with warmth.

         “Hey, babe.” Without hesitation, she reaches for Dina, pulling the girl close to her, planting soft kisses into her neck, eliciting a hum from the darker haired girl.

         “Hi.” Dina settles herself into Ellie’s arms, her back fitted perfectly against the taller girl’s front, two pieces of that same puzzle they always seem to fit. “How was class?”

         “Good.” Ellie whispers into olive skin, and she feels the hairs on Dina’s neck raise, goosebumps breaking out. Both girls know they’re not from the cold, and the thought lights a fire in Ellie’s stomach. Dina’s awake now, her body reacting to every little touch, and Ellie’s feeling brazen. Her hands make their way across Dina’s body, her nails lightly grazing down the other girl’s waist, coming to rest on hips, where they lightly dig in.

         Dina’s breath hitches, and Ellie knows she’s got her, the room silent bar the sounds of breathing and light kisses. Darker hands snake round Ellie’s neck now, Dina’s arm coming up to pull the taller girl closer, and her head turns, her mouth seeking out Ellie’s own.

         Ellie’s kisses Dina fervently, a burst of adrenaline coursing through her, her hands raking across Dina’s hips, the other girl pulling her close by the nape of the neck. Ellie has to be honest with herself, they started with pining and angst, so she shouldn’t be surprised, they’ve always been so drawn to each other, but their chemistry catches her off-guard every time, pulling the air from her lungs. Ellie has never really been one to easily give away affection, give away vulnerability, but with Dina, it’s as easy as breathing.

         “Ellie,” Dina whispers, and Ellie breaks away, brows furrowed.

         “Are you okay?” Ellie studies Dina’s face, her flushed cheeks, concern etched onto the redhead’s face, before she realises what Dina is asking. “Oh.”

         Ellie doesn’t think she’s ever seen Dina like this, and when the brunette bites her lip and looks up at the redhead, she never wants to see her any other way. She obliges, her mouth darting behind Dina’s ears, onto her neck, her shoulders, collarbones. Long fingers dig into exposed skin, Dina’s shirt has ridden up, and the skin beneath is smooth. Ellie wastes no time in admiring it, hands scraping past, down onto thighs, and when the other girl’s breathing becomes uneven, they go down even lower.

         At one point, Dina is too noisy, and Ellie has to quiet her with her mouth.

         For some reason, she sleeps fine that night.

~

         “Hey, grab that bag of feed while I get the other stuff, would you?”

         Ellie looks up from the counter, over to the direction of Jesse’s voice, and nods. They’ve come into town to pick up some things for the horses, a lot of their supplies burnt down in the fire, and so Jesse and Ellie have been blessed with the duty of restocking the supplies. She makes her way through the store to the counter, and while she’s waiting for the guy at the counter to bring out their feed, her phone buzzes in her pocket.

Cat [11:47am]: hey cowboy. how is studying going?

         Ellie grins, and as a reply, holds her phone up, snapping a picture of her next to the cardboard cut-out of a horse that has been there since she first stepped foot in the store. It’s blurry, and her eyes look a little crazy. It’s perfect. Ellie presses send.

Me [11:48am]: It’s not

         Cat’s reply is instantaneous, and it makes Ellie grin.

         Cat [11:48am]: you stress me out

She’s taken away from the conversation by the huge feed bags dumped into her arms, and she lets out a small grunt at the sheer impact of it, her arms taking the full weight of it. Ellie mutters her thanks, and her eyes begin searching for Jesse, grinning when she spots a mop of jet-black hair on the other side of the counter. She’s making her way towards him, feed bag in tow, when something in one of the displays catches her attention. Ellie’s never been one for jewellery, she’s never worn a single piece in her life, but for some reason, this causes her to stop dead in her tracks. The feed bag drops to her feet, and Ellie crouches down to take a closer look; on the cushioned display is a small brown bracelet, two leather straps wrapping around, and adorned with a small metal hand. She squints, it’s so intricate, but inside the hand is a small glass eye, and Ellie recognises it instantly; she’s seen it before, Dina has a dreamcatcher above her bed with the exact same eye, and she’s seen it dotted around the girl's house.

         “It’s called a Hamsa.” Jesse’s voice gives Ellie a fright, the girl jumping out of her skin at the sudden intrusion to her moment. The redhead’s eyes wander back to the bracelet, and the small metal hand on the bracelet, it really is gorgeous. “Dina told me about it once.”

         “What’s it for?” Ellie asks, at the risk of sounding ignorant.

         “I think it wards off evil or protects against evil presence. Something like that.” Jesse’s looking at it now, and then back at Ellie, a slight grin pulling at the corner of his mouth. “You should buy it for her.”

         Ellie’s brows raise at that, the thought had definitely crossed her mind, but she can’t help but feel the tiniest morsel of fear at the thought. She doesn’t understand this block that keeps building in her mind, the thought of real dates, mornings together, small gifts, private moments. Ellie’s never let anyone in like this before, and god knows that Dina is aware of that, because Ellie has started to think it’s the same for the other girl. Jesse has a look on his face, an eyebrow arched, and he’s looking at Ellie like he’s not sure whether she’s going to stay or run a hundred miles. Ellie’s tired of feeling cautious, of being scared, of knowing that everyone always carries a little bit of doubt in her, and so she nods, grinning.

         She leaves the store with the feed bag and a small little leather pouch.

“Just don’t take her to a fancy restaurant, I tried that once and it was the most awkward couple of hours of my life.” Jesse takes a hit of the joint rolled between his fingers, and exhales, a swirl of smoke releasing from his lips.

He passes it to Ellie, who takes it gratefully. They’re sitting outside of Jesse’s trailer; he’s put an old sofa out the front of it and set up a small little fire in front of it. It’s been a while since they’ve gotten to hang out, and it had been a long day of errands and getting ready for the barn to finish construction. Ellie thinks she’ll be back in the attic by the end of the week, which to her surprise, fills her with mixed emotions; on one hand, she’s excited to have her little haven back, but on the other, it means an end to waking up next to Dina every morning, which she’s grown to seek every night, even if she has to sneak back downstairs in the early hours.

         “Okay, so no fancy dinner.” Ellie nods, taking a mental note as she takes a hit. It’s going to her head pretty quickly. She mumbles the next part, no matter how many times she’s spoken about Dina to Jesse, she never gets any less embarrassed. Ellie has never really done this sort of thing before, gotten to be a normal teenager with the worries of dating for the first time, and it’s the weirdest feeling in the world. “I was thinking like, an activity?”

         Jesse whistles, brows raised, and Ellie takes another hit, just for something to occupy her hands with as he lets out a chuckle. “What kind of activities?”

         “Shut the fuck up.” Ellie coughs and passes the joint back to him. She can see the shit-eating grin on his face, he’s teased her relentlessly about how she’s wrapped around Dina’s finger, and she knows she can’t claim different, he’s completely right. Her voice is quiet as she mumbles the sentence, Jesse’s eyebrows now in his hairline, and he grins.

         “Ellie goddamn Williams, did you just suggest taking Dina ice skating?”

         Ellie groans at his reaction, grabbing a pillow next to her on the sofa, and bringing it to her face, letting out a strangled noise into the fibres. It smells like smoke, but Ellie’s head is ringing anyway. “Is that a lame idea?”

         “Nah, she’ll love it.”

         A green eye peeks out of the side of the pillow, meeting brown ones, but they’re full of genuine humour, and something else Ellie can’t quite place.

         “You sure?”

         “Yeah man, just be prepared to have your ass handed to you.”

         That earns him a hit with the pillow.

         Ellie finds she’s missed Jesse, they used to work together most days, but with everyone split between the two ranches, and with how busy Ellie has been with college and everything else, they’ve barely seen each other. This is nice though. Despite the cold temperature, Ellie’s warm beside the fire, and they’re both sprawled out, her on the old couch, Jesse on the deck chair, a blanket pulled around his shoulders. It looks like it’s going to snow again soon, and Ellie can’t even say she’s not looking stupidly forward to it. It never really snowed in Seattle, and when it did, it turned brown around the home. There was one year where Joel and Tommy took her sledding after it had snowed, and even though the snow wasn’t really thick enough for it, Ellie remembers the day fondly. As it always does when her mind wanders to Joel, her heart constricts, and she coughs, phantom smoke in her lungs. She hadn’t plucked up the nerve to call Tommy yet, not even sure if she was going to, if she could bear to. She needed to change the conversation.

         “You still haven’t told me about this mystery girl you keep disappearing to go and see.” Ellie holds out her hand, and Jesse passes the weed back to her, a schoolboy grin appearing across his face. He fails miserably at hiding it, which makes him smile even more as Ellie chides him.

         “There’s nothing to tell, we’re just… spending time together.” Jesse grins, rubbing the side of his face, scratching his chin, and it takes Ellie a second to clock.

         “Oh my God, you’re disgusting.” The redhead pinches her nose, she hasn’t even taken a hit of the cigarette in her hand yet, but she’s spluttering as if she had.

         “No, no, not like that. I mean, yes like that, but she’s a nice girl. I met her at Soraya’s party, the night before the cattle drive.” Ellie winces at that part, that night has been sort of blocked from her memory, and she realises she and Dina had a way of making a scene when they wanted. It had really been too long since she and Jesse had got to hang out and she felt a sting of guilt, so much had happened since that night. Ellie doesn’t think she’s ever seen Jesse lose his cool, but he’s fumbling now, and she’s marvelling. In Jesse’s books, this is love. The thought makes Ellie smile, if anyone deserves to be happy, it’s him.

         “What’s her name?”

         “Astrid.”

         Jesse almost looks shy, and Ellie finds it endearing. It doesn’t mean she’s not going to make his life a living hell about it, though, and judging by the look on Jesse’s face, she’s made it clear on hers.

         “Get out of my house, Williams.”

         Ellie cackles, and they spend the rest of the evening just talking, sitting by the fire, until it dies down, then the weed wears off, and it’s time for Ellie to get back. It’s the usual routine from there; shower to get rid of the smell, tiptoe up to Dina’s room and fall asleep in dark arms.

~

         “What do you say we go and get you some new guitar strings today, kiddo?”

         Joel saunters into the kitchen, the smell of fresh coffee too enticing for the older man to stay away for too long. Ellie’s learnt this, so every morning she puts a fresh pot on. She wasn’t very good at it at first, but the young girl watched the older man do it enough that she now has it to an art. Meanwhile, she’s sitting at the table with a slice of toast, smothered in butter and jelly. It’s the first breakfast she had at Joel’s house, the man didn’t buy a lot of food when he lived on his own, he always claimed it was a waste when it was just him. Now, the fridge is always stocked, but Ellie goes back to what she knows.

         “Sure.”

         Joel pours himself a cup of the bitter liquid, Ellie always wonders how it smells so inviting yet tastes like acid, and drags out a chair at the table, sitting opposite the young girl. It’s a Sunday, and it’s early, neither of them ones to sleep in, and so their whole day is free. Tommy knows both of them would work themselves into the ground, and so he and Maria run the shop on Sunday’s. Ellie also thinks it’s because that’s the easiest day to work there, less customers.

         “I was thinking we could also do some shopping after.”

         A wad of toasted bread and sugar gets stuck in Ellie’s throat then, and she’s coughing, looking at Joel in disbelief. The man notoriously hated shopping with a burning passion, so much so, he made everything homemade for each of their birthdays so he wouldn’t have to step foot in one. Joel rubs his neck and shrugs, he looks sheepish, and Ellie finds it amusing. Last week’s overheard conversation has been forgotten, or rather, pushed to the side and they’re both carrying on like nothing is happening. It’s uneasy peace, and they both can feel it, but Ellie finds herself clinging on helplessly to it.

         “I know, I know, I’ve just left it too late to make anything for your Aunt and Uncle, and so I gotta find something. Christmas is next week… I’ll buy you pancakes after.”

         That’s his way of begging, and Ellie knows she’s got him. The younger girl laughs, finishing off her piece of toast with one final bite, and grins, throwing him a thumbs up.

         “You got yourself a deal.”

“Whoa, these ones are awesome.”

 face is pressed up against the glass, her breath fogging it all up, and she knows she’s being gross, but she doesn’t care. These strings are beautiful, and Ellie knows there’s no way they’d be able to afford them, especially when she can’t play more than half a song on the guitar yet, but the girl can’t rip her eyes away. They’re a forest green colour with flecks of gold spun throughout them, and they’re the most magical things Elie thinks she’s ever seen.

         Joel whistles, the sound low. “Those are some mighty fine strings, I’ll admit.”

         Ellie pulls away from the glass, one hand left longingly on the glass, straightening herself up. “Sucks they’re so expensive.” She goes to search around the rest of the shop, hand dragging along the glass, until Joel holds out a hand, stopping her.

         “Now wait a minute, they’re not that bad.”

         Ellie halts instantly, spinning round to face him, eyes wide. Her mouth is wide, her brain struggling to process the sentence that has just come from the older man.

         “For someone who knows how to play guitar.” He finishes, and Ellie deflates. To her chagrin, this reaction makes Joel chuckle, and she’d be lying if she says she didn’t feel a little bit cheated.

         “But… And this is a but…” He starts again, and Ellie has whiplash, but she’s too invested to protest. “If you were to dedicate more time to the guitar, I think this would be a mighty fine Christmas present. Whaddya think?”

         Ellie gasps, and as it registers in her mind, her head almost detaches from her neck as she starts nodding. Joel chuckles, and gestures to the store clerk. “Go and ask the lady to get them out for you then.”

         Ellie’s grin is face-splitting, and she makes a beeline for the clerk. She halts in her tracks, though, and Joel’s face is a picture of bewilderment, when she spins in her tracks, throwing herself at Joel, arms wrapped tight around him. It takes the older man by surprise, but his face settles into a warm smile, and his arms wind around the small frame as he gives her a squeeze, patting her back.

         “Thank you.” She whispers into the same brown coat he wears every day, that is drenched in the smell of shaven wood and coffee.

         “You’re welcome, kiddo.”

         Neither of them knows to savour this moment, and the few nice moments they have over the next few weeks, they have no reason to know that, but hindsight is a funny thing.

~

         Ellie has it all planned out, she’s got the tickets, the timings, the nerve, and she’s feeling pretty good about tonight. That is, until Dina comes down the stairs in the tightest leather pants Ellie has ever seen anyone wear and suddenly, she forgets how to breathe. She’s instantly insecure that she didn’t go with the dinner option after all.

         The redhead is sitting on the couch with Jesse and Gabriel, as the two play a game of cards before dinner, they are all deep into the game, but the two turn their heads to see what Ellie is gawking at, and the room goes still. Jesse lets out a low whistle, respectful, and Gabriel raises an eyebrow, but a smug pride is clear on his face, almost as if to say that’s my girl. Ellie has to agree, Dina looks… There isn’t a word to describe how Dina looks.

         She shoots up, spluttering to get her words out, which makes Dina tug at the sweater she’s wearing. Ellie’s seen Dina’s shyness a few times now, which is probably more than anyone else has, and she recognises it in the younger girl now.

         “Have I got something on my face?” Dina laughs, but it’s tight.

         “N-no, you’re… you look perfect.” Ellie breathes, and Jesse snorts, to which Gabriel whacks him lightly around the head with his hand of cards. She doesn’t let it phase her though, the smile on her face too wide, the feeling in her chest too overwhelming. Dina’s just wearing a pair of leather leggings, matched with a deep red sweater, a pair of boots and a leather jacket. It’s simple, but she looks badass, and Ellie’s glad she tried a little harder with her outfit. Ellie kept it to her simple style, but with a button-up, clean jeans, and donning a pair of boots in favour of her usual Chuck Taylor’s.

         “You ready?” Ellie smiles, and Dina returns it warmly, nodding.

         “Wait, wait, before you girls go, let me take a photograph.” Gabriel gets up now, and Dina groans, but Ellie notices the faint blush on the girl’s cheeks, and the weird belly flop going on in her own body right now. Anita has now come through into the living room, and is making a fuss over Dina, and Ellie feels warm inside. It reminds her of when she went on her first date with Cat, and Maria made a huge fuss over them as they walked out of the door, and Ellie had complained, but she had never felt more accepted by anyone than she did in that moment. Or when she played her first song on the guitar and Joel took her out for pancakes to celebrate and rented out her favourite movie for them to watch that night. It feels like belonging, and so when that flash goes off, her smile is wide and genuine. She has her arm draped around Dina’s shoulder, and she feels Dina’s hands tight around her waist, and when they look at the photo after, it’s Ellie’s turn to blush.

         “Okay, we really have to go,” Dina insists, and the way she’s still got a grip on Ellie’s side lights a fire in the taller girl, so she goes along with it. Truthfully, she knew this would happen, and so they’re leaving a lot earlier than they should be, but Ellie would be lying if kissing Dina senseless isn’t on her high priority list of things to do right now.

         “Okay, okay, go. You look so beautiful.” Anita kisses her daughter’s forehead, and gives Ellie a squeeze, and anyone would think they were going off to war, never to return.

         They finally get out of the door a while later, Ellie grabbing her trusty green jacket and brown suede gloves, Dina with her jacket and matching scarf. The temperature drops when they get outside, and the two girls are giddy in the cold air when they reach the truck, both of them launching themselves up into the seats of the car, their lips crashing the second they’re both sat inside. Dina’s lips are warm against Ellie’s freezing ones, and the redhead swears she could drown in the other girl.

         “Hey, hey, we’re gonna be late.” Dina breathes into the kiss, and Ellie feels the smile tugging against her own.

         “You don’t even know where we’re going.” Ellie whispers back, but she pulls away reluctantly, quickly pressing one last kiss onto Dina’s mouth, and turns to the road. She turns her key into the ignition, and Firefly roars to life, the lights blinking on, illuminating the dark ranch around them. “You ready?”

         Dina nods, and Ellie pulls out of the ranch.

They’ve been driving for around twenty minutes now, the place Ellie has chosen is the next town over, and Dina’s getting fidgety, and Ellie being as aware as she is, has noticed. The road is dark in front of them, save for the beam of Firefly’s lights on the gravel, and an upbeat country song is playing quietly around them, the twang of the guitar on the song sending vibrations throughout the rickety truck.

“You okay over there?” She doesn’t take her eyes off the road, but she can feel the weird energy practically radiating off the other girl.

“Can we turn this up?” Dina blurts out, but doesn’t wait for an answer, just cranking up the volume on the song.

Babygirl, twist away,

When you’re talking to me,

I can’t breathe.

“Uh, okay.” Ellie isn’t sure how to react, so she stays quiet. The Dina sitting next to her right now is starkly different to the one that was kissing her twenty minutes ago, and she’s not sure what to make of it. After another beat of silence, she bites the bullet.

“You want to tell me what’s going on with you?” She keeps her tone light, eyes trained on the road ahead of her.

Dina doesn’t miss a beat.

“Where are we going?”

That takes Ellie by surprise, and her head whips in Dina’s direction, stealing a glance at the other girl. She doesn’t know what expression she expected to rest on the other girl’s face, but it wasn’t one of anxiety.

“Is that what you’re worried about? Why?”

She’s trying to hide the smile from her face when she hears Dina’s reply.

“I just want to know. Am I overdressed, underdressed? Will there be a lot of people, will there be anyone we know?” Dina’s voice gets higher, her pace faster, until Ellie can’t help the laughs that rip from her, stopping the younger girl dead in her tracks.

“Oh, my god. I knew I was right about you. You’re a princess.”

“ What?” Dina deadpans, and then she realises. “So that’s where that name came from, it was you?”

Ellie’s cackling now, and Dina whacks her lightly, making a harumph noise, arms crossed. The redhead would have fallen for it, but she knows Dina’s tells, and it’s not long before both of them break, the car filled with laughter.

“You’ll know when we get there.”

         Ten years later,

         I still feel like a child of one.

         “I wanna know now.”

~

         Dina’s reaction was nothing short of humiliating, and not because she didn’t like it, she loved it, but because they’re on the ice rink, and she is skating circles around Ellie, and looks fucking good while doing it.

         “Are you fucking kidding me?” Ellie whispers, all long legs and stumbles, while Dina is over there, no doubt her balance from trick riding coming into clutch, spinning in the middle of the rink. The redhead’s fingers are clutching for their dear life onto the railing, her knuckles white, and if Joel had been here right now, he’d have laughed at her. Jesse had said the girl was good, but Ellie hadn't expected her to be great. 

         Still, Dina’s reaction was magical.

         They’d parked up round the back of the market, a purposeful move on Ellie’s part, and when they’d turned the corner, Dina had gasped. The scene in front of them was magical, and even Ellie had to admit she was not expecting it to be the way it was. Wooden huts lined the perimeter, all covered in golden lights, with deep oak panels, selling all kinds of trinkets and goodies. The smells that wafted from them were heavenly, and Ellie’s mouth watered the second they wafted to her, with the smell of melted chocolate and cinnamon wafting with the burning of smoked meats, barbeques, mulled wines. Families were running around, other couples holding hands as they walked around, a live band played on a bandstand in the middle of the big open space, Ellie guesses they’re in the middle of a park, and sat around them are people on benches, sitting with their hot drinks and food, laughing and singing along to the music. It was incredible, and it took Ellie back to the little makeshift one in Seattle where she picked out her first Christmas tree.

         “Ellie, this is incredible.” Dina’s face is a sight, her mouth wide open, her eyes sparkling. Ellie swears she sees the lights swirling in them, but Ellie thinks that’s how she always sees Dina’s eyes.

         “Just wait till the best part.” Ellie takes Dina’s hand, giving it a gentle squeeze, and leads her to the main event. They make their way through the crowds, both of them taking everything in, eyes wandering everywhere. Ellie has to keep tugging lightly at Dina’s arm, reminding them they’ll have time to see everything, when they stumble upon it. The ice rink in front of them is stationed at the back of the park, but she can see why, it’s huge. The skaters are making their way off, and a huge machine is smoothing over the ice as they make their way around it. The rink is magical, sure, but the cherry on top is the gigantic Christmas tree that is planted in the middle of it, adorned with huge lights, decorations, and bows. It must be the size of a building, and Ellie feels so small next to it. Dina looks like an awe-struck child, and Ellie’s heart swells, and she feels a little smug, knowing that she’s been part of the reason why.

         “We’re going skating?” Dina laughs, but it’s full of genuine excitement, and Ellie nods in response, to which the darker haired girl reacts by throwing her arms around the older girl. Ellie doesn’t expect it, and so she stumbles back a little, chuckling while steadying both of them, the wind taken out of her. Her arms wrap around Dina, pulling her close, and to her surprise, Dina places a gentle kiss on Ellie’s open mouth, which the older girl returns, smiling into it.

         “I love it. Thank you.”

         Dina’s nose nuzzles against Ellie’s, and six months ago, if anyone had told Ellie that she’d be this happy, this open and reliant on someone else, she’d have laughed, probably sneered at the thought, thrown a punch or two, but now she welcomes it. Their foreheads are pressed together, their breaths mingling in the cold air, Dina’s scarf scratching her neck, but she doesn’t care. They only pull away when they hear the tannoy announcing the next skate session, and Dina’s all but running to the skate collect, dragging Ellie behind her, her laugh lost in the crowd.

         They get on the ice in no time, and that’s how Ellie finds out just how bad she is at ice skating, and how embarrassingly good Dina was.

         “Ellie, come on, you have to let go of the rail.” Dina’s cheeks are flushed, and her smile is bright, and Ellie knows she’s finding this incredibly funny.

         “And risk certain death? I don’t think so.” The thought of trying to skate among other people makes her heart race, and she instinctively grips harder onto the rail. Dina just crosses her arms and sighs, but it’s good natured, and all Ellie can think about is how in the fuck Dina is just standing still on the ice, holding herself up.

         “Ellie, come on… What if I held your hand?”

         Ellie has never felt more embarrassed in her life, she can feel her face burning, and it’s no doubt bright red, because Dina’s smile grows wider the hotter Ellie’s face gets. She saunters over, feet perfectly in sync, and slows down to stand in front of Ellie, at the side of the rink. She reaches for Ellie’s hand, and her smile turns mischievous, which sets alarm bells off in Ellie’s head. Dina’s got an iron grip on her hand now, and Ellie’s eyes are wide as the darker haired girl starts slowly skating back into the centre of the rink, still holding on to the older girl’s hand.

         “Dina, no. Let go.” Ellie’s eyes are dilated now, her heart rate picking up, but Dina isn’t letting go, and she can feel the grip her other hand has on the railing loosen, slicked with nervous sweat. “Dina…”

         “C’mon, it’s easy. Stop treating it like it’s walking, you have to push each foot like you’re trying to move away from the ice.” Ellie’s grip is almost non-existent on the railing now, and when it comes free, and she stumbles, Dina’s there to catch her. Two dark hands connect with two freckled ones, and Dina’s steadying Ellie on the ice, bringing her to stand straight.

         “Oh, my God. Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Ellie lets out a string of curses as she gets her footing, and Dina just smiles at her, her expression full of love, as she waits for her girlfriend to come to grips with standing on the ice. When Ellie looks a little calmer, still freaking out, but calmer, Dina slowly starts pulling her forwards, the younger girl skating slowly backwards, so they keep eye contact.

         “Just one foot in front of the other. Push off the ice.” Dina’s voice is low, private, just for Ellie to hear, and the girl listens. Ellie’s first few steps are clunky, her head bowed low, and her head whips up, panic clear in her eyes.

         “How are you seeing where you’re going? We’re gonna crash.”

         Dina just smiles. “Don’t worry about me, just focus on you. Keep your eyes up and push off. Like you would on a skateboard.” That seems to register in Ellie’s mind, because her form instantly changes, her back’s a little straighter, and she starts gliding. After a few successful strides, her demeanour shifts, and the taller girl doesn’t look so flailing anymore.

         “There you go, you got it.” Dina goes to let go of one of her hands, but Ellie isn’t that confident yet, and grips on tight to the brunette’s wrist. “Ellie, you got this.”

         “Okay. Okay, I got this.” The redhead lets out a short breath, all pent-up anxious energy and fear, and slowly releases her grip on Dina’s wrist, holding it out to balance herself. The other girl takes a few strides back, so she’s by Ellie’s side, her left hand still tangled in Ellie’s right, and they take off together. They’re slow at first, but as Ellie’s confidence grows, so does their speed, and soon they’re whizzing around the rink. It’s only when Ellie can spare enough energy to take in her surroundings, the fearing for her life part of the whole experience behind her, that she realises what song is playing around them.

         This common feeling ends,

         When you enter,

         Not many cigarettes left.

         “Hey, we were listening to this on the way here.” She grins, and Dina’s brows furrow, listening until she recognises the drum beat and voice.

         “We totally were.”

         Ellie’s struggling again, the song throwing her off beat, and she’s wobbling, her hand still gripping onto Dina’s, threatening to take them both down. Dina spots a space against the railing, and makes a beeline for it, a shaky Ellie in tow. They approach it with a desperate speed, and crash into it when they arrive, Dina first, and then Ellie into her arms. Dina’s back arches against the wood as Ellie impacts onto her, but Ellie’s hands are at her sides, her body pressed against her front, her lips against her forehead, and she sinks into them.

         “Hi.” Ellie whispers, their faces close, her cheeks flushed, aware of how bad at this she is, and how much it was her idea.

         “Hey.” Dina whispers back, and they both take their places next to each other, just taking in the sight around them. A child falls in front of them, and the two girls watch as his father scoops him up off the ground, brushes the ice from his jacket, and holds his hand as they carry on their round of the rink.

         Think I’ll wait till you get back,

         Till you arrive,

         To be relieved.

         They’re stood to the left of the tree, on the side of the market and the lights, and Ellie’s breath is taken away at the scope of it all. She’s always loved Christmas, loved the idea of it, the feel, and she was lucky enough to have a few with Joel, but nothing compares to where she finds herself now. Who she’s with now.

         “Thank you for bringing me here.” Dina’s voice knocks her out of her thoughts, and she’s looking down at brown eyes now, a soft smile on her features.

         “You’re welcome. I can’t lie, though,” Ellie starts, and Dina raises an eyebrow. “It’s not completely selfless, I wanted to come too.”

         The younger girl lets out a laugh, her grip on both her girlfriend and the bannister tightening. “Oh, I’m sure. How did you find this place? I’ve lived here my whole life and I didn’t even know this was here.”

         Ellie’s eyes twinkle at that, and she taps her nose. “I’ve got my sources.”

         She doesn’t tell Dina that she spent hours researching on the old computer tucked away in Gabe’s study, and then Jesse helped her book it because she’s technologically challenged, and that she even drove out here a few days ago to make sure it was all it claimed to be.

         “Oh wow, I’m impressed. It’s beautiful.” Dina’s giggle is sweet, and it sends waves through Ellie. They’re both quiet for a moment, just drinking it all in, until the darker haired girl speaks up again, but her voice wavering, less sure than it was moments ago.

         “Would you wanna, like, take a picture?”

         Ellie’s brows shoot into her hairline, her head in Dina’s direction, and then over to the Christmas tree behind them, then to the lights to the side of them, and then back at her girlfriend, who those same lights catch perfectly.

         “Never mind, it’s stupid, we don’t-” Dina’s rambling again, in that same tone she had on the way over here, and Ellie finds it unbelievably endearing.

         “Yes, I would love to take a photo with you.”

         Brown eyes sparkle, and Dina gives a sharp nod, smile shy, as she lets go of Ellie’s hand to fish for her phone in her pocket. A few moments later, she pulls it out, and Ellie moves to her side to pose for the photo. Seconds go by, and Dina lowers her phone, the taller girl not realising what was happening, until the other girl is looking at her sheepishly, and Ellie clocks. She’s just that, too tall.

         “Do you mind?”

         Ellie just laughs and takes the phone, holding it out in position. Dina settles herself against Ellie’s side, her arms snaking around the girl’s waist, and she finds her arm draping around the backs of the brunette’s shoulders, fingers gripping at Dina’s arm, pulling her close. They smile, and it’s not forced or posed, Ellie’s smile is so genuine, and her head instinctively tilts towards the other girl, both their heads do, and she takes the picture. Her head is dizzy, and her eyes are full of bright lights, but when she goes to check the photo, Dina stops her.

         “Can we take one more?” Her smile is still shy, and Ellie doesn’t catch on, so she smiles, and nods, thinking the girl must have just smiled weird and wanted a do-over.

         “Yeah, course.”

         She keeps her arms out and settles back into Dina. But, when she goes to take the picture, a hand is on her cheek, pulling her face inward, and a pair of lips are upon hers. Out of sheer shock, her finger pushes the button before she realises what is happening. When she does, she grins like hell into the other girl’s mouth, and snaps another.

         You’re the one,

         I know you are.

         They pull away, and Ellie shakes her head at her girlfriend, her grin splitting their entirety of her face with its width. Dina just looks at her, her expression fucking angelic, and it takes everything Ellie has not to jump on her there and then. When she takes a look at the photo, her expression falters, her eyes widening, and her mouth parts just slightly, because it’s so fucking cool. Their faces are slightly blurred, the lights twinkling behind them, and because Ellie can’t take a photo to save her life, it’s super zoomed in, but it’s also perfect.

         “Show me.” Ellie passes the phone to Dina, who takes one look at it, and mimics Ellie’s reaction perfectly. Dark eyes whip up to look into green ones, and smiles that hold so much are exchanged, but their moment is cut short.

         “Did you girls want me to take a picture of you?”

         A lady next to them is looking at them, Ellie forgets that they’re in public and not in their own little bubble, and shyness takes over, the instinctive to say no takes over, but Dina gets in there first.

         “We would love that, thank you.”

         Ellie looks down at the younger girl, eyebrows furrowed, but Dina’s are arched, challenging her. They have an invisible battle, but both of them knew the winner from the start, as Dina hands her phone over to the lady. Ellie finds herself standing up straight, arm never having left Dina, but what she doesn’t expect is for Dina’s hand to come up and rest against Ellie’s stomach, her whole body leant into the taller girl, and Ellie looks down at her, pressing a kiss into dark curls, heart bursting at the seams as the lady takes a photo.

         “Oh, that’s beautiful. I’ll take one more to be sure.”

         Ellie turns to the camera for this one, her smile wider than she thinks it’s ever been, more genuine, and even though the flash blinds, she keeps it, confident with Dina by her side, standing taller than she’s stood her whole life.

         Meredith, I miss you,

         When you go anywhere.

         They take photos of the woman and her family after, Dina taking so many photos it makes Ellie’s eyes blurry just watching, and they spend the rest of the session racing each other around the rink, Ellie falling over more than once, their laughs that little bit louder than everyone else’s. When it’s time to get off, they make a beeline for the shoe collection, sitting on a bench as they remove their skates and put their normal shoes back on. Dina shows Ellie the photo the lady took while she’s waiting for Ellie to tie up the laces of her boots, and the freckled girl’s face has that same wondrous expression it did on the rink. She doesn’t even recognise herself in these photos, she’s standing tall, Dina pressed into her, and her mouth makes an oh as she scrolls to the one where she’s kissing the top of Dina’s head.

         “That one’s my favourite too.” Dina’s grinning, peering over her shoulder.

         Ellie is taken aback at the photo in front of her, but she doesn’t get long to dwell on it, as Dina’s yanking the phone out of her hand, pressing a quick kiss onto a spatter of freckles.

         “Come on, I’m hungry. I want a hot dog.”

         Ellie is smiling again now, and has her boots on her in no time, Dina’s nose dragging them out of the door, in search of food.

         She’s so lovely,

         She still loves me.

Ellie still thinks the selfies are her favourite.

~

“I think the soaps are really nice, but they’re a little generic.”

Ellie’s peering over the counter at the expensive lavender soaps Joel had his eye on, her fingers clutching around the little red gift bag, wrapping peeking out the top. She still can’t quite believe Joel bought them for her, and she knows she’s not supposed to have them until Christmas morning, but the young girl had insisted on holding the bag. It was her first proper Christmas with Joel, last Christmas she’d still been living at the home, and she was savouring every moment, every detail. In hindsight, she should’ve realised why she was so compelled to do so, because even in the moment, it felt too good to be true. Especially for someone like her.

“I think you might be right.” Joel scratches his chin, and sighs. “I’m stumped.”

Ellie just grins, her eyes darting around the huge store they’re in. Joel wasn’t kidding when he said he wanted to shop, they’ve come to a nice neighbourhood on the other side of Seattle, and Ellie knows they look a little out of place, but she can’t bring herself to care. The store is too gorgeous, and the weight of the bag is keeping her grounded.

“What about over there?”

         Joel follows Ellie’s eyeline, and he raises a thick brow as he sees where she’s gesturing. “Oh, I don’t know…”

         But Ellie’s already running over, and her hands find soft material of a cotton bath robe, her fingers running over the soft material to the matching slippers, and the girl’s eyes find the set they’re a part of it.

         “A spa set.” Ellie grins, triumphantly, and Joel’s eyebrows are now in his hairline. “She does so much for all of us, and is always complaining that spas are too expensive, so we should bring one to her.”

         Joel, with his brows still raised, looks over at the rattan box. Sure enough, inside is the robe, the slippers, but also essential oils, a woven headband, bath salts, and a bunch of other things he wouldn’t know the first thing about.

         “That’s… That’s actually not a half bad idea, kiddo.”

         Ellie grin is a beam now, her face threatening to split in half, and Joel picks up the box. They’re on their way to the men’s section for Tommy when they’re stopped in their tracks.

         “Excuse me. Hello?”

         Joel carries on walking and Ellie’s quick to follow. She definitely heard someone call out, but it takes her a couple of seconds to catch on to where it came from, or if it was even directed towards them, this place is packed.

         “Hi, sorry, excuse me.” Ellie’s confusion grows, because she’s starting to think it’s definitely directed at them, and her suspicions are confirmed when she feels a light tap on her shoulder, and she spins round, finding a woman staring down at her. Joel stops dead in his tracks once he realises what’s going on.

         “Oh, my. You’re the spittin’ image. Are you Anna’s girl, by any chance?”

         Ellie’s face screws up, nose scrunching, bewilderment clear on her face. The woman is staring at her with kindness in her eyes, but it’s mixed with shock, and Ellie doesn’t understand what is going on. Not even when she feels Joel’s hand rest on her shoulder, as the older man goes into parental mode.

         “Who are you, I might ask?”

         “I’m just an old friend. I knew your Mother; you just like her.”

         Joel’s grip on Ellie’s shoulder tightens, but the freckled girls shaking her head before he can react any further. “I think you’ve got the wrong person, my Mom’s dead.”

         “I definitely do not. Ellie, right?”

         That leaves Ellie speechless, and Joel’s kicked into gear before she can even process what just unfolded. “I think you’re done here.”

         “I know Anna’s girl when I see her.” The woman tries to argue, but Joel’s not having any of it. He’s turning away now, hand still gripped on Ellie’s shoulder.

         “I said, enough.” Joel’s standing in front of Ellie now, acting as a physical barrier between her and the woman, and he’s ushering her away now, away from the woman, away from the moment that has just thrown a spanner in the works of her life.

         “W-Wait, Joel, just-” But Joel isn’t listening, and she’s being dragged away, and the last thing she remembers of that store is staring into the grey eyes of that lady, and the crowd of onlookers they’d attracted with their little scene. Joel’s quick to pay, hurrying out of the store, and Ellie’s dragged along with him, shock rendering the girl numb, useless. The guitar strings feel cheap and heavy in her hand. She doesn’t say a word until they reach the truck.

~

         Ellie swears bread and meat has never tasted so good.

         “Oh my god, this is insane.” Dina is all but moaning, and Ellie just cackles to herself, giving evils to the horrified children that sit not even three feet away from them on the benches. She has to admit, the hot dog is good, rivalling to Anita’s own cooking. They bought the hot dogs but had stuck to hot chocolates as she was sure they’d have ID’d at a family event like this. Dina’s tucking into hers now, and takes a huge bite.

         “Oh wait, you got a little something just-” Dina’s hand flies to her face, where there is just a hint of mustard in the corner of her mouth. She misses it completely, and the sight amuses Ellie, now the other girl’s turn to make a fool of herself. Dina tries again, but to no avail, and the girl grows visibly frustrated. Green eyes whip around to check the coast is clear, and when it is, her hand flits out, fingers caressing the side of Dina’s jaw, thumb wiping away where the mess is on the corner of Dina’s mouth. They’ve met eyes, both of their faces flushed, and Ellie brings her thumb back to her own mouth, her nose scrunching when it hits her tongue.

         “You don’t like it?” Dina asks, the side of her mouth pulled into a bashful smile.

         “It’s… spicy.” Ellie’s looking down at the rest of her plain hot dog now.

         Dina lets out a bark of laughter. “Mustard is not spicy, Ellie. What the fuck is wrong with you?” The redhead’s face flushes an even deeper red than it was a moment ago, her indignation clear.

         “Hey, now, hear me out. Joel never liked spice, so I never ate it. Mustard was like, the closest I’d ever come to spicy food before your Mom’s cooking, okay?”

         “Oh, my God, that’s the best thing I’ve ever heard. But you always ate so much, always do eat so much at dinner. How have I never realised?” Dina’s eyes are wide

         “Because it’s still a million times better than anything I’d ever eaten at the home or Joel’s house.”

         Both girls are laughing now, taking bites of their respective meals, and the band starts playing again, having come back from their dinner break. They re-tune their instruments, and the announcer speaks his greetings into the crowd.

         “How are we all doing tonight?”

         Dina cheers along with the crowd, sending a few whoops his way, and Ellie finds herself joining in with a few of her own. The band start playing, and it’s a folk song, or she thinks it is, until she realises it’s a folk cover of a Lady Gaga song, and Ellie’s mid sip of her hot chocolate as realisation dawns.

         “He’s in love with who?” Ellie can’t breathe, laughter racking her body, which is clearly infectious, because it’s not long until Dina’s body is vibrating too, her laugh silent and her breath restricted.

         “Do you think he wants to ride my disco stick?” Dina snorts, and it sends Ellie into a whole new wave of laughter. She’s pretty sure she can feel the hot chocolate coming back through her nose, and it just makes the laughs wrack her body harder. They’re definitely getting disapproving looks from the same family sitting on the next table over, but neither of them can bring themselves to care. Not tonight.

         They’ve finished their food and are just chilling with their hot drinks, now lukewarm, hands wrapped tight around them, shoulders pressed together, just enjoying the music. Ellie presses a soft kiss into the side of Dina’s head, curls tickling her nose. She used to cringe at PDA, at any sort of affection, but it’s become clear to her in the last couple of years how much she needs it, relies on it. Her love language is physical touch, acts of service. Words are incredible, don’t get her wrong, but they aren’t tangible. It’s the actions, the being there that counts. Plus, words haven’t always been kind to her.

         “Penny for your thoughts?” Not for the first time tonight, Dina’s voice cuts her out of her daydream. Ellie looks down at the girl beside her, her girlfriend, and studies every freckle, every lash, every inch of her face, and it’s like Dina expects it, because she closes her eyes as Ellie presses a chaste kiss onto the girl’s mouth. She pulls away, and their eye contact lingers just that tiny bit longer.

         “I love you.”

         Ellie’s eyebrows raise, her mouth parting, in surprise. It’s not that Dina hasn’t said it before, but she hasn’t said it since she texted it, on the day of her competition. The day everything went to shit. She hasn’t said it in person. She hasn’t said it first.

         “I- I love you too.”

         It’s quiet for a beat, the air thick between them, before Dina speaks.

         “Whaddya say, we look around, and then get out of here?”

         “I’d say that sounds pretty good.”

~

         “Joel, what the fuck was that?”

         Ellie’s been quiet the entire car journey, but Joel’s turned off the ignition now, and only the silence between them fills the car. She doesn’t know why she asked the question though, because she doesn’t even let the older man answer.

         “She knew my name, Joel.”

         “Ellie-” He starts, but she cuts him off again.

         “Why did she know my name? And why did she think my Mom was alive?” The young girl is shaking now, her grip on the gift bag as tight as steel, her entire body wracked with adrenaline. “I heard your conversation with Tommy the other night.”

         That stops Joel dead in his tracks.

         “What conversation?” He asks, confusion clear on his futures. He’s wracking his brain, and Ellie can pinpoint the exact moment he realises. Ellie knows she didn’t hear much of it, just that he isn’t telling her something, but the dots line up too much for her to not try. She’s waiting for her to call his bluff, and it’s Joel, so of course he does.

         “And what was it you think you heard?” He’s collected himself now.

         “What aren’t you telling me, Joel?” Her voice is louder now, but it’s also shakier and that’s how Ellie knows she’s given away her hand, because the older man is visibly relieved, and it makes her want to scream. “Why did she know my name? What the fuck was that?”

         “Ellie, I don’t know-”

         She doesn’t even wait to hear the rest of his sentence, because she’s slamming the door of the car, and is inside her bedroom before he even steps foot on the road.

~

         They ended up looking at the stalls for longer than they thought, trying on all of the novelty hats and scarfs, looking at all of the handmade gifts and decorations, and grabbing hot chocolates for the road. The atmosphere was electric, but exhaustion had caught up with the two girls, and so they’re now tiptoeing through Dina’s kitchen, giggling, and shushing each other. They take the stairs one at a time, until they’re through the safe threshold of Dina’s bedroom. Ellie collapses onto Dina’s bed, wasting no time in pulling her shirt over her head, and kicking off her jeans. Dina scoffs, but she’s doing the exact same, pulling out two oversized shirts, both Ellie’s, and throwing one at the other girl. They’ve got a routine down now, and Ellie sometimes wonders what it would be like if they both lived in that loft, or in a house of their own. She always feels so silly, just as she does now, when she thinks about it though. Way to rush things, Williams.

         They’re both in T-shirts, and Dina’s turning on the light in her en suite, chucking Ellie her toothbrush. The redhead groans, exhaustion threatening to take over completely, but the older girl wills herself to head into the bathroom. Both girls take turns in running their toothbrushes under water, putting toothpaste onto them, and it’s only when they’re both standing in front of the mirror, faces full of toothpaste and bubbles, that Ellie marvels at the fact they haven’t been found out yet. Her toothbrush is literally in Dina’s room, she has to remember to steal it back every morning before everyone gets up, and her bedding is untouched in the corner of the living room. Again, she sneaks back down every morning and makes it look like she’s slept the whole night, but there have been a few close calls. She should probably feel guilty, they’re under Gabriel’s roof, and they did start off following his rules, but after that one night after their fight, the pull of Dina beside her every night has just been too strong.

         When they’re finished, both girls climb into Dina’s bed, arms finding each other in the dark almost instantly, legs tangling in the cold.

         “It’s gotten so cold out.”

         Ellie just hums, sleep already taking her.

         “You know, this is probably the last night you’ll be sleeping in my bed. I think they’re moving everything back into the barn tomorrow.”

         That wakes Ellie up.

         “Tomorrow? I thought they were waiting until the 19th.”

         “Tomorrow is the 19th, Ellie.” Dina whispers, and Ellie does the mental calculations in her head, her eyes widening when she realises. “Next Sunday is Christmas day.”

         “Oh my God, it is. What the fuck.”

         Dina just snorts, the sound loud in the otherwise silent room, and she turns to lay on her back, her arm coming to rest under her head, which turns to look at the red haired girl beside her.

         “So, you’ll be back in the loft tomorrow.”

         Ellie pulls her face into a frown, and settles herself against Dina’s side, her hand coming to rest on the other girl’s hip. Ellie knows them too well, the way they work, and if they’d have had more energy, they’d have made the most of their last night, but exhaustion is clear in both of their body languages. So instead, they talk. They talk into the little safe space between them, under the sheets, and probably stay up later than they would’ve originally, but as Ellie draws out the different constellations with her fingers into the air, and Dina listens and asks questions about them, she wouldn’t have it any other way.

         It’s only when sleep almost has her, only when she’s truly peaceful in Dina’s arms, that she realises she hasn’t thought about the letter all week.

~

         There’s a knock at the door, and Ellie doesn’t bother answering, laying on her bed, back facing the door. She knows she wouldn’t even have a chance to answer anyway, because the doorknob is turning, and its hinges are opening before she can even get a word out.

         “Kiddo? I think we need to talk.”

         Ellie doesn’t reply, doesn’t want to hear anymore lies, but then he says it.

         “Your… Your Mom’s alive.”

“What?” Ellie whispers, twisting her head round to face the door. At the threshold is Joel, standing there sheepishly, a cup in each hand, and Ellie sees whipped cream peeking out of one. Hot chocolate. She can’t bring herself to accept it, they both know it’ll go untouched, and her shaking hands will spill it all over the bedding, but she gives him a small nod, and the older man sets the cups on her bedside table. They’ll go back to them later.

“I should’ve told you this a long time ago, but…” He steadies his breath, taking a seat on the edge of Ellie’s small bed. It creaks under his weight, but it holds. Ellie’s sitting up now, knees drawn up to her chin, and she rests her head on them, hoping the contact will stop her teeth from chattering too hard. It doesn’t. “They thought it was best if there was no contact.”

“Your Mother was an addict, Ellie. You were raised in dens and alleyways, and from what the home told me, you were taken off her in the middle of a raid. At first, they told me she was killed in that raid.” He goes to carry on, but Ellie cuts in, her mind swimming.

“Why would they tell you that?” Her voice is small, hoarse, and her eyes are watering.

“I honestly don’t know…” Joel’s hands are collapsed together, and he’s wringing them, something Ellie’s never seen him do before. “To protect you? To… keep you safe. She was going down a dangerous path, kiddo, and you were so young.”

“So she is? Alive, I mean.” A tear threatens to spill, and after the next sentence, it does.

“Yeah. She is, but Ellie, she gave you up. She didn’t-”

He doesn’t carry on his sentence, stops it dead in its tracks, but Ellie already knows what he was going to say. She didn’t want you. Ellie thought she had processed what being an orphan meant, because she’d always fabricated it on the idea that her Mother did want her, it had just been a case of God’s plan, that if her Mother were alive, they’d have had a happy life together. She built her resolve on this, it’s her bread and butter, and without it, she feels herself crumbling. But Ellie’s made of stronger stuff than that, and while she’s good at running, she’s also good at fighting.

“But how could you possibly know that? You didn’t even know me back then!” Ellie’s voice is louder now, more defiant, and for a moment, it takes Joel by surprise.

“The minute I started the paperwork for you, they told me everything.” Joel hits back, desperation in his eyes, and it’s that desperation that does it for Ellie. The floodgates are open, and tears are streaming down her face. “She was an addict, Ellie, and she knew it, too. No one knows where she is now, your Mom went off the face of the earth years ago, before you and I met. I’m sorry, baby girl.”

It takes Ellie a second to process this, to really understand it, to try and tangle her way through complicated feelings, falling short at every corner. She was too much to handle, has always been too much to handle, and she feels the weight of her own burden now, something no sixteen year old should have to feel. She’s known Joel for a few years now, and he’s helped her shoulder that burden, but the floor has been ripped out from underneath her now, and she’s struggling to stand.

“She really didn’t… doesn’t want me?” Ellie looks up at the older man now, and the sight of her breaks him. And that’s all the validation she needs.

“I’m sorry, baby girl.” He repeats, and Ellie throws herself into his arms, sobs wracking her body, and all the older man can do is hold his adopted daughter like she’d be lost if he let go. Because he knew Ellie, knew her inside out by now, and she knew that was probably the case. Her wails cut wounds into his core, and they fill the room, despite being muffled through Joel’s shirt, and he just holds on for the both of them. Ellie has made this house happier than it’s been in a long time, still does, and so her grief courses through it at a magnitude, everything around them feeling darker in that moment. Joel’s heart is aching, because he knows that this is a necessary evil, knows that what Ellie doesn’t know is what’s protecting her, because he doesn’t think she can handle much more of this. The parental fierceness that rises up in him, the urge to protect this young girl at all costs, scares him, but it confirms what he already knows in his bones. The most important thing is that she’s safe, and happy. And she is. She’s in a happy home, albeit slightly dysfunctional, but they work like a well-oiled machine. Ellie’s family is Tommy, Maria, and her home is with Joel. It’s in the too-bitter coffee she makes every morning, the one-too-many blueberry pancakes she insists Joel makes her for even though she hates them, it’s in her guitar strings, both old and new, t’s in the old worn bedspread she falls asleep on every night when they watch old movies together before bed, and it’s in the way she always makes sure that Joel’s taking care of himself, eating enough and sleeping every night, even if she uses the words ‘at your age’ to do so.

Ellie’s home is with Joel, and he’ll be damned if he lets anyone take that from them.