Work Text:
ANYONE WHO KNOWS BUCKS KNOWS THAT HE THRIVES OFF OF AFFECTION, which was why the past month has been, well Buck doesn't have a word to describe it. He'd dropped the lawsuit weeks ago and for the most part, everything had worked out - eventually- after a couple of apologies. Except for Eddie. They'd only been together for a month when Buck filed the lawsuit, they'd been going slow, both exploring. Buck had loved Eddie, he knew that much, a couple of near death experiences does that to a person.
Gone where the soft touches, the gentle kisses and the loving eyes, there was no love in Eddie's actions, he felt more like a fuck buddy than a boyfriend. He couldn't help but wonder if this was what Shannon felt, at least she had an actual reason to leave, all Buck did was be selfish and not think about how his actions affected the team. So he'd kept his mouth shut, on his days off, Eddie would stop by before his shift and they'd fuck, there was no affection behind it. And when they had shifts together, Eddie would only talk to him when he needed to. It left Buck feeling hollow, if anyone had noticed, he would brush it off, there was no point in bringing up his problems again, not when they had their own things to deal with.
Everything was going fine, he'd just gotten off a 24 hour shift and was dead on his feet, before the lawsuit, he would've gone home with Eddie and fallen asleep with his arms around him, but now he goes to an empty apartment and cries himself to sleep.
He dropped his bag and made his way to his bed, glad that he showered at the station. He was just on the verge of falling asleep when he heard the doorknob jiggle before he heard the key being inserted. He sat up, blinking himself awake as he heard footsteps.
"Buck?"
He sighed as he flopped back onto the bed, "Up here!" He called back to Eddie.
There was some shuffling before Eddie's footsteps echoed in his apartment and Buck couldn't help up tense, he had no energy to deal with whatever Eddie was about to tell him.
"Move over." Eddie voice was gentle and it made his heart ache even harder.
Okay, Buck definitely didn't expect that but he obliged anyway. He shifted, creating space for Eddie and the bed dipped as Eddie fell next to him. He lay there awkwardly, not knowing he should put his arms around him, Buck felt like an intruder in his own bed with his boyfriend. Then Eddie does the unthinkable, he wrapped his own arms around Buck and kissed his forehead before placing a kiss on his lips.
Buck freezes, not once had Eddie kissed him after the lawsuit, hell this was the first time that Eddie had touched him without either sexual or work-relation intentions. He doesn't know how to handle it, the warmth emitting from him overwhelmed him.
Buck doesn't kiss him back.
To be fair, Eddie did disregard him for the past month, and he'd felt guilty, because Buck practically lived for affection and Eddie hadn't given him any, he was to busy being angry to see that Buck was hurting. It wasn't until Hen pointed out today that he'd been so withdrawn form Buck that Buck no longer made an effort to talk to Eddie and that's when he knew he'd fucked up bad. He was originally going to ask Buck out to dinner and wine and dine him but the shift was draining and he knew that neither of them would enjoy it.
He pulled back only to that his eyes were wide, and unblinking.
"Buck?"
He didn't respond.
"Buck?"
Still nothing,
"Buck?"
Eddie was starting to panic a little.
"Evan?"
If there was one thing that Eddie knew, was that using Buck's first name almost alway got him out of whatever funk he was in.
"Evan?"
Eddie was definitely panicking now.
"Evan?"
He shook him, still getting no response.
"Evan? Buck? Baby, can you hear me?" The nickname fell out of his mouth with ease, but even then he got no response from him, "Dammit Buck!" He cursed and sat up straight, gently laying him down on the bed.
He checked his vitals, they were steady if not a bit too fast but Buck was as still as a statue, blinking occasionally and Eddie knows that wherever Buck was, Eddie had no way of getting him out.
He pulled out his phone and turned the torch on, shining it in Buck's eyes. His pupils responded but he didn't even flinch, he was just staring off into space.
"Evan, can you blink twice if you can hear me?" He prompted, hoping - praying even - that he'd blink twice, but no such thing happened. He remained wide-eyed.
He cursed and trend his torch off, and got ready to call 9-1-1 but then stopped. They were going to do the same thing that he did and he couldn't bear the shame of telling the paramedics that Buck had essentially shut down because of him. He hand hovered Maddie's contact instead, and pressed it before he could regret it.
She picked up 3 rings later.
"Eddie?" Her voice was groggy and Eddie felt guilty, she'd probably been asleep.
"Uh, I think I fucked up Maddie."
"What?" She mumbled into the phone.
"I - it's Buck."
"What? What happened to him?" Her voice was fully alert and Eddie winced when he realised how that sounded.
"I - I kissed him and then he just stopped responding, his vitals are strong and I - fuck, I don't know what I did."
"You -," She hissed into the phone, stopping herself, and Eddie guessed that she was probably doing everything to not curse at him, "I cannot believed you."
"Maddie," He pleaded, "I don't know what to do, is he going to be okay?"
He heard her sigh, "He'll be fine, this happened when I left for university, he was touch starved and shut down once I came back home and hugged him."
Eddie froze and guilt pooled in his stomach, "What?"
"Don't what me, you heard what I said, just make sure he's warm." She snapped, "And whatever you do, do not leave him alone."
"Thank you." He breathed.
"Don't thank me," If Eddie hadn't known that he was talking to Maddie, he would've never guessed it was her, her tone was like ice, "You fix whatever you've done."
With that she cut the call and Eddie was left staring at his phone like an idiot.
He placed the phone on the nightstand and looked at Buck, his eyes were no longer blown wide, they were back to normal and Eddie breathed out sigh, grateful that Buck was getting somewhere.
He pulled the blanket over Buck's body and laid closer to him, wrapping his arms around his torso. He pulled him closer to him, trying to keep him warm. Guilt settled into his stomach, he did this to Buck. He let his anger take over and he shunned Buck, in a way he treated him like Shannon, maybe even worse. At least him and Shannon had conversations that didn't revolve around work; Eddie couldn't remember the last time he'd told Buck that he'd loved him.
"I, uh, I don't know if you can hear me," Eddie talked out loud, his voice echoing, "Sorry doesn't even cover how much of a shitty boyfriend I've been, but, uh, for whatever it's worth, I'm so sorry and I get that if you," His voice breaks and he he had to fight back tears, "If you don't want to be with me anymore. I - I'll get a transfer if you want, or I - I'll ask Bobby to switch our shifts or - or something. I just want you to know how sorry I am," He kissed Buck's forehead again, "You deserve better."
Buck didn't move and Eddie bites back the sob that built up in his throat. And then he felt the faintest squeeze.
"Buck?"
It was stronger this time.
"Buck," He breathed out a sigh of relief, "Oh thank god."
Buck squeezed harder this time, "I'm not going anywhere right now," He confirmed, the grip on his hand loosened and it made his heart ache, "Unless you want me to go."
The grip tightened once again and Eddie fights back a smile, "I'm not leaving."
That seemed to calm him down, his grip loosened once more and Eddie pulled him closer to his chest, "I love you."
Eddie woke up before Buck did but he didn't dare move, he let him sleep and Eddie just stared - in the least creepiest way possible - wondering how could he have ever let it get that far. He doesn't know how long he'd been staring at him, but his heart picked up pace when Buck started to stir.
"Eddie?" His tone still sleep addled but Eddie could pick up shock.
"I'm here," He soothed back as he sat up, manoeuvring so that Buck's head would on his lap.
"Oh."
Eddie's heart broke even more, it wasn't disappointment, it was shock, like he didn't believe Eddie would be there in the morning.
"I, I don't know if you-"
"I did."
Oh Eddie thought, "I meant what I said, that - that if you don't want me-"
"I do."
Eddie had always wanted to hear those words but never like this, "Buck-"
"Eddie-"
"No, I just please," He pleaded, "I really am sorry, and if I could take back everything I did, I would I swear. You went through 3 life altering incidents and I - I was just expecting you to get over it and suck it up and that's not fair on you."
"Eddie-"
Eddie doesn't let him finish though, "Just think about what I said okay? I - I'll back whatever decision you make."
"Even if I want to be with you?"
Eddie barely keeps his jaw closed, "What?"
"I - I'm not going to lie, it hurt, it hurt so fucking bad Eds," The raw pain in Buck's voice hurts Eddie in ways that words can't describe, "I - but, I know you were angry and you do dumb things when you're angry," Any other time Eddie would've protested, but he knows that Buck's telling the truth, "And - I still love you, I really do but I don't think we can get back what we had before," Eddie knew he fucked things up, he always did, "But, that doesn't mean that we - we can't build something better," Eddie definitely wasn't expecting that and by the way Buck's lips work for a quick second, he's sure that he showed it on his face, "I love you and I'm willing to try things again, but we have to talk and - and work things out."
"I - I don't know what to say."
"You don't have to, not right now anyway," Buck reassured him, "We need to talk to someone outside of us," He gestured to the two of them, "An unbiased third party."
Eddie nodded in agreement, "You're right."
"We could try couple's therapy." He suggested, "I - I don't want to give you an ultimatum but I - I'm going to be honest Eds, if you can't do this with me-"
"I will," Eddie's shocked at how easily he'd agreed, he was telling the truth when he wasn't a therapy kind of guy, but he would do anything for Buck, "You're the best thing that's happened to me since Chris, and I'm not going to let you get away without a fight."
"Yeah?" The smile in Buck's voice is something that Eddie will forever keep engrained in his brain.
"Yeah."
fin.