Chapter Text
Ushijima wakes up to the soft snores of his soulmate.
He is slow to come to his senses. His eyes feel heavy even though the sunlight streams from his window, making it clear it’s way past the time he usually starts his day. His body feels warmer than usual and when he begins to turn to find a comfortable position, Ushijima takes note of the fact that he is still wearing his clothes from yesterday. He frowns at himself, upset at his carelessness before his eyes finally land on Bokuto’s figure still sleeping next to him.
Bokuto is curled in on himself, a pillow safely secured in his arms while his face is pressed against it. Ushijima can barely make out one of his eyes while his hair messily covers the rest of his face. The rest of his body is covered with a blanket, though one of Bokuto’s legs has sneaked past it. Like Ushijima, Bokuto is still dressed in his clothes from yesterday, though he looks much more comfortable than Ushijima feels.
The sight is quite heart warming so for just a few moments, Ushijima watches Bokuto sleep without doing anything else.
But it’s not long until Ushijima’s mind begins to work; piecing the bits of information he received yesterday together, attempting to make sense out of what transpired. With a shaky resolve, Ushijima plays back the events from last night.
Bokuto saw Oikawa. Oikawa… Oikawa is here. Back in Japan. A part inside him stirs at the thought of his two soulmates together. A greater part of him shakes with a mixture of longing and fear. Longing because he misses Oikawa. It’s been years since he last saw him. And for him and Bokuto to be in the same place together? How can Ushijima not yearn for that possibility. For a moment with both his soulmates.
Fear, because Oikawa is still an unknown factor in Ushijima’s life. Fear because the first thing Ushijima remembers about Oikawa is that he hates him and though it’s been five years, who says anything has changed? Fear, because even though it would have torn him in half, Oikawa and Bokuto had not instantly called out each others names to accept their bond.
Instead, Oikawa had been in pain. He was hyperventilating before he collapsed. ‘It’s not something I’ve felt before.’ Bokuto had claimed and once again, Ushijima finds himself thinking about their bond.
He always just thought that the three of them shared physical pain. In middle school and high school, when he competed against Oikawa, every spike, every serve, every hit— Ushijima can clearly remember Oikawa’s face. He can remember his own reaction. They’ve always matched up. The sting of the ball is something they both chased. And if he ever had any doubts, they were all cleared the day they found out about Bokuto.
It was a backflip gone wrong, Bokuto explained when they talked about it earlier in the week. For Bokuto, his pride had hurt more than his back but for Oikawa and Ushijima— it was on their third set, Ushijima was getting ready to serve and then, a jolt; a dash of an unknown source of pain coursed through his spine and Ushijima found himself stumbling forward.
From across the net, Oikawa had kneeled over, a hand pressing against his back.“Oi. What’s wrong?” Iwaizumi’s voice echoed across the court while from beside him, Ushijima heard Tendou’s concerned call. “Wakatoshi-kun?”
It took them a few minutes of concentration and deep inhales of breath to get over it. The match was hardly disrupted due to a well timed distraction from the other two Seijoh third years, so for any spectators, they might have missed the entire exchange.
When they realized neither of them were the source of the pain, a polyamory bond was the only explanation they could reach. Of course since they were still in the middle of a game they couldn’t spare any thought or moment to consider it all. But the moment Wakatoshi laid in his bed that night, he was completely overrun by thoughts of his bond.
Similar to that time, Ushijima is now both unsure and completely convinced in what fate has given him. Ushijima moves, hating the feeling of confusion overtake his body. Gently, Ushijima rolls to the end of the bed. He stands up, careful to not wake Bokuto, before he searches for his phone, closing the door behind his bedroom once he finds it.
It takes him a few minutes to find the right words while his finger hovers over his father’s number. Once Ushijima is sure he knows exactly what he wants to say and is ready to hear what his father is going to say, he dials the number.
His father picks up after three rings. “Wakatoshi.” Ushijima greets him back and then allows his father to start up some mindless chatter before he finally clears his throat to take reign of the conversation. He doesn’t really stumble over his words, but Ushijima can sense his own hesitation in the pitch of his voice. He is sure his father can hear it to. Even so, he doesn’t falter. He tells his father about Bokuto. About their growing relationship. Then he tells his father about Bokuto’s encounter with Oikawa. He tells his father his own opinion of his bond and then— “Why did you file a divorce?”
Ushijima has never asked. He has always been curious but he never quite managed to ask. Now however, Ushijima thinks it’s an answer he needs.
“I love your mother.” His father claims after a moment of silence, wether or not he is hurt by the question, Ushijima can’t tell. “The divorce had nothing to do with our feelings or our bond…”
It was a political thing, so to speak. A matter of money, legal documents and other factors out of his control. His mother had said something along those lines. Like how royalty would marry royalty, wether or not they were soulmates, back in the day. Social standings, financial stability, race— there are many factors that play into what type of relationship soulmates will settle on.
“Soulmates are a reality in our world. But there is more to life than just that.” His father explains, before he repeats words he shared with Ushijima when he first found out about his bond. “Soulmates are perfect inevitable unions, but that doesn’t mean all soulmate bonds end in a relationship.” Ushijima feels those words hit him like lightning, but nothing compared to the next thing his father says. “Son, from what you tell me, It’s seem like Oikawa will only ever love you from a distance.” Ushijima’s hands shake. “Would you be willing to accept that?”
“Love me?” Ushijima retorts, avoiding the question. “He doesn’t love me. He hates me, he has always hated me and I— I don’t know how to fix that."
“You’re not the only one he rejected.” His father brings up. “If you think his reasons don’t go beyond a school rivalry, than why has he rejected Bokuto?”
“Thats—” Ushijima stops, unable to think of anything to say. Oikawa doesn’t know Bokuto. He has no reason to hate him. Yet why— he is a very insecure, shallow, ignorant, stubborn idiot. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a reason for being like that. Iwaizumi had told him on their last phone call together. Iwaizumi had also said something about a childhood trauma. He witnessed something that changed his views on soulmates.
“The pain has always represented a connection for you.” His father says. “Wakatoshi, you have never complained about pain, not when you knew it came from someone you were destined to love.” His father’s tone is softer now, meant to comfort. “I don’t think Oikawa has ever held pain in that same regard.”
It’s with those words and the realization that perhaps he has once again failed to see something important; has failed to consider a reason beyond the knowledge he holds, that Ushijima ends his call with his father, not before thanking him and wishing him well. It’s with his mind now zeroed in on the small details he has chosen to ignore that Ushijima searches the web for a number he never considered calling before.
He dials the number of the first specialist he finds.
Because Ushijima may not have the answers to the way the bond works. He may not understand why it’s possible for Bokuto to feel emotional pain rather than physical like he is sure both he and Oikawa feel. He may not be able to think back and make sense of what pain came from what soulmate. All of the questions that circle Ushijima’s head carry over worries on what affect they might have on him and his soulmates. The unknown of his bond unsettles him.
Yet.
Ushijima doesn’t care. He has never cared. Not about the pain. Not about its intensity. Not about its meaning. Pain has always just been his bond. Pain, to Ushijima, is love. He doesn’t need to understand it. He doesn’t need to make sense of his bond. He just needs—
Oikawa. His heart lurches forward. And Bokuto. It beats, loud and clearly. My soulmates.
But his father is right. “Good morning. Soulbond clinic, how may I help you?” To Oikawa, pain has an entirely different meaning.
-o-
“You kissed him.” Akaashi deadpans and Bokuto has to look away to lessen the embarrassment he feels.
“Why do you say it like that.” Bokuto whines, knowing well his ears are probably already red. “Was I wrong? Was it too soon?”
“I wouldn’t say kissing him was wrong.” Akaashi concedes. “But perhaps the timing wasn’t the best.” Bokuto puts his head in his hands to conceal his shame. “And…you said that afterwards you just slept over?”
“Akaashi.” Bokuto groans.
“And you woke up and he was gone?” Bokuto moves his hands away from his face immediately, not liking the bite in Akaashi’s tone.
“It wasn’t like that.” Bokuto explains before he gets the wrong idea. “He left me a note and breakfast. He had practice.” Akaashi raises an eyebrow in disbelief and Bokuto knows then that Akaashi doesn’t believe a word he says. With good reason too. “Fine. The Adlers didn’t have a scheduled practice but—”
“So he left and lied about leaving.”
“—I called him.” Bokuto continues. “And confronted him about it because I know you would be upset and.” Bokuto sighs. “He wont tell me where he really went.”
“Of course I would be upset.” Akaashi snorts. “Anyone would be upset. This isn't even about me. Aren’t you upset?”
“Not really.” Bokuto answers truthfully. “I— I think I understand.”
“Bokuto.” Akaashi says his name with a mixture of disbelief and pity. Unfortunately Bokuto doesn’t have anything else to say to him to make him understand his reasoning.
He is at Akaashi’s place, though now with Iwaizumi back in Japan the apartment belongs to both of them. At the moment Iwaizumi is not home and Bokuto is thankful, unsure of how the conversation would have turned out had he been around. It was hard enough telling Akaashi how his life had taken a turn the moment Ushijima appeared at his front door, adding Iwaizumi to the mix could have created unnecessary tension, specially with his friendship with Oikawa.
Akaashi is level headed. He wears an amused expression for most of Bokuto’s story telling, and a great part of Bokuto relaxes at the sight of his friend’s fond smile. Bokuto loves all his friends, and there is a special place in his heart where he keeps the names of those friends that comforted him in any way when it came to sorrows about his soulmates. But while Kuroo and Konoha have been by his side the longest, their stance on the matter is enough to deter Bokuto from reaching out to them. Washio and Tsukishima are two of his most rational friends, but Washio’s own problems with his soulmate and Tsukishima’s reserved personality make them a little unreachable. On the other hand, Atsumu, Sakusa, Hinata and another handful of his other friends privy to his soulmate bond hold a clear bias— they mean well, but Bokuto knows talking to them wont help him make peace with his own resolve.
Akaashi never bothered sharing his opinion on Bokuto’s soulmates or soul bond back in high school, but he was always a comforting presence whenever Bokuto felt the weight of his bond probe at his heart. Akaashi always seemed to know when to pat his back and silently voice; you’re okay. And; give it time.
Now, as Bokuto gushes about Ushijima, Akaashi listens with an open mind. He doesn’t judge Bokuto for opening his door so easily for Ushijima. He doesn’t scold him for hearing him out, for listening to an explanation that could have easily been fabricated lies. He doesn’t make fun of Bokuto for being so optimistic. For trusting Ushijima’s inventions.
He doesn’t even show his disappointment when Bokuto retells him about his meeting with Ushijima after his little encounter with Oikawa. That is until the whole kiss is explained— how it had taken Ushijima to just call out his name for Bokuto to push Oikawa from his mind. How the earnest look Ushijima gave him had been enough to turn Bokuto’s entire heart inside out before he impulsively reached out for him, to claim his lips.
He doesn’t know where the hunger had come from. He can’t really put words to describe that burning desire that overcame him. He doubts Akaashi even wants to hear about it. But now that Bokuto reflects and looks back, he can’t help but feel guilty and disappointed. Specially since he never even got the chance to talk to Ushijima afterwards. They had just spent a good amount of time kissing before they fell asleep in Ushijima’s bed. When he woke up, Ushijima was gone and Bokuto had nothing but some eggs and coffee and a poorly written excuse.
“Am I stupid?” Bokuto finds himself asking, watching the confusion play out on Akaashi’s face. “For forgiving him.” Bokuto clarifies. “For believing him.” What am I doing? He wants to ask. Why can’t I do anything right?
From the spot next to him on the couch, Akaashi smiles, extending his hand to place it over Bokuto’s hand that sits on his thigh, gripping onto his jeans. “For loving him?” Akaashi asks, a distant look in his eyes. “I don’t think falling in love with your soulmate makes you stupid.” Akaashi replies. “It’s fate.”
Right. Fate, soulmate. Bokuto can’t find anything to say to that. They sit in silence until Bokuto feels his leg shake with unexplained nerves. “Akaashi.” Bokuto calls out. “I don’t think I can be happy without Oikawa.” He admits, surprised at having spoken those words without even thinking about it. Unprepared with how heavy they feel. “How can I claim to love Wakatoshi if I think like that?” Bokuto feels his throat clog, he feels his eyes water. Akaashi for the first time in a while, doesn’t have an immediate answer for him.
His silence is enough for Bokuto to lose himself in the meaning behind his own words. The guilt he feels for kissing Ushijima and the unexpected calm he feels with Ushijima’s little lie the morning after—
If Bokuto thinks about it, if he truly examines the situation…
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where I stand. I—I thought I was ready. I thought I knew what I wanted.
“Koutarou.” Akaashi speaks up, silencing Bokuto’s thoughts. “Is there a part of you that doubts your bond?”
Bokuto laughs, a short and humourless laugh. “How can I not?” He says, the truth of those words surprising him more than anything else. And then, as if those words have opened pandora’s box;
“After everything, after being rejected—twice, after finding out it was all a misunderstand, after meeting Oikawa and pushing him into a panic attack, after using Wakatoshi to settle my own feelings of incompetence—” He gasps, his throat clogging with many more unspoken words. “What am I suppose to think? What do I believe? I—on one side, Fate is telling me I have two soulmates. But on the other everything else is proving this isn’t meant for me.”
“Kou—”
“I have a poly bond, ‘Kaashi. I’m suppose to have two people by my side. But after everything, I just cant— I can’t see that happening. And I don’t understand why. Why are things like this? Where did I go wrong? What did I do? How can I even fix this? I can’t put words to my feelings and I can’t even— I feel like a kid. Wakatoshi and Oikawa are miles ahead of me. They—Wakatoshi is sure Oikawa hates him and— he must hate me too, right?” Bokuto concludes, not knowing what else to say. Though the first words he spoke are nothing but the truth, as he continue to ramble Bokuto knows he is losing focus of his thoughts, of his beliefs. He knows he is voicing out frustrations that wont mean anything in the long run. Yet—
“It’s so unfair. I don’t want to be a burden.” Bokuto confesses, chest aching at the pressure of his ragged breathing. “I don’t want to cause them any pain. I want to be someone Wakatoshi deserves and if— If I could free him, Oikawa, from me— Keiji.” Bokuto chokes back a cry with a short chuckle. “I hate myself for all the pain I’ve caused him.” Silent tears escape his eyes as he finally feels like he has said what he needed to say.
“Bokuto.” Bokuto’s head snaps up, surprised to hear someone other than Akaashi address him.
There, by the entrance of Akaashi’s apartment, Iwaizumi stands; his horrified expression much too similar to Akaashi’s.
“Iwaizumi.” Bokuto says surprised, quickly moving his hands to rub at his cheeks, making sure to remove the tear stains as he tries to collect himself. When did he get here? How much did he hear? “I’m sorry for the intrusion. I just needed to talk to Akaashi— I’ll be on my way.” Bokuto stands up, ignoring Akaashi’s soft protest.
Bokuto moves quickly, shame weighting on his shoulders at the thought of Iwaizumi witnessing this side of him. He keeps his head low, ignoring the feeling of Akaashi’s eyes as he tries to find his jacket to make a quick escape. He tries to be as fast as possible, knowing both Iwaizumi and Akaashi are probably still taking in his words to truly react. I need to leave.
He makes it to the door, where Iwaizumi stands. Bokuto gathers whatever courage he can muster to face Akaashi one more time to thank him for his time before he turns to Iwaizumi to move past him and— Ah, Bokuto thinks, meeting Iwaizumi’s eyes. Pity. “I… I’m sorry for whatever you heard.” Bokuto can’t help but say. “Thank you for having me.”
“You are not a burden.” Iwaizumi says, stepping aside for Bokuto to pass by him. “If there is anything I can guarantee is that Oikawa does not and never has hated you.”
The words feel like a splash of cold water. Bokuto doesn’t know what to say. “Okay.” He utters eventually. I don’t believe you. His mind screams. He steps forward, pulling the door open. “Sorry.” He says one more time and Bokuto is almost out the door when Iwaizumi is gripping his hand, stopping him from taking another step. Bokuto stills.
“Bokuto.” Iwaizumi says. “I need you to do something for me.”
-o-
Time. Time is always moving.
Time always obeys Fate.
-o-
“…So goodbye. My children. My wife. I love you. Please… please remember me as a man of virtue. Please remember those happy moments we shared. This is as far as fate will let me go. I love you.”
Oikawa blinks, letting the finally words of his father’s letter play in his head for a second longer before he pushes those memories to the back of his head, his focus returning to the moment ahead.
One week. Oikawa has one week left in Japan. One week until he is flying back to Argentina. One week left to say goodbye.
Which is why he stands here, inside Ushijima’s apartment, facing said man in his living room. “It’s been a long time.” He starts, trying to find the courage he needs to go through with this. These are the first words he has spoken to Ushijima since he knocked on his apartment and they already feel doomed.
“Five years.” Ushijima replies, standing perfectly still in front of Oikawa. Oikawa doesn’t know how to feel about that. He doesn’t even know how to feel about Ushijima’s reaction to seeing him here. Oikawa remembers Ushijima’s stoic expression from high school, but this— the parted lips, the wide eyes, the vulnerable stance, this is not how Oikawa remembers him. It feels off. He doesn’t like it.
“Right.” Oikawa laughs at himself, trying to shake his nervousness away. He takes a moment to look around, to access the living room before he snaps his attention back to Ushijima with a little more determination. “This is stupid.” He mutters under his breath before he clears his throat and locks eyes with Ushijima. “I wanted to make some things clear.” Oikawa states. “I’ve been thinking and I think.... I think I owe you an explanation. For what happened in middle school.” For the time I walked away. For my distance. For my rejection.
Ushijima watches him, his lips narrowing just a bit before he controls the action, straightening up to nod. “I’m listening.” There is nothing smug about his words, it’s a simple honest statement. It’s unfamiliar. Once again, Oikawa doesn’t like it.
“I lost my father at a young age.” Oikawa starts, having already made peace with sharing this information with him. It’s been after all, almost a month since he saw Bokuto, his other soulmate who he needs to get around to finding. He has had enough time to prepare for this. “He took his own life and in the letter he left behind, he made it clear it was because of his soulmate bond.” Oikawa goes on.
Now or never. He thinks. “I, I can’t see soulmate bonds as anything but a death sentence.”
Ushijima’s eyes brighten with something Oikawa doesn’t recognize so he turns away, to keep his mind focused on his objective. “I have life goals—dreams, I have things I want to accomplish.” He inhales. “I don’t— I won’t let fate take that away.” Oikawa swallows. “I won’t push away my life for this. This pain I feel. For this bond. For anyone.”
There. I’ve said it. Oikawa inhales, his stomach churns. Why wont this pressure go away?
“I understand.” Ushijima mumbles. A second passes. Then another. “I could never ask you to give your life away.” He adds and after a short moment; “I never have.”
Right. So maybe that statement is true. However—“Soulmates come with expectation.” Oikawa stresses. “I can’t be that for you.” Oikawa’s mind takes him back to middle school. To that moment when Ushijima’s spike stung his left hand so hard, Oikawa could do nothing else to deny his growing suspicion. He remembers that feeling. Dread mixed with excitement. “In middle school, when I realized we were soulmates, when you called out to me— I hated you.”
There is a ringing in his head that sounds an awful lot like a warning. It comes alongside this shake in his body that scream at Oikawa to shut up. But unfortunately, the words are already on his tongue before he can even think to listen.
“I hated what you represented. A block to the other end of the tunnel. I hated you. But here was fate telling me I was meant for you. That you were meant for me.” Oikawa takes a step forward and Ushijima takes one back. The pain he wears presses hard against Oikawa’s chest but he doesn’t stop. “And as if it wasn’t bad enough, we had a pain bond. Every victory you had over me hurt all the more knowing the pain you went through to win.” Oikawa laughs, turning away from Ushijima to catch his breath. “And then it hurt even more knowing that the pain I felt for losing meant nothing to you. You didn’t care.
You could feel my pain, but you never cared.” There is something in Ushijima’s expression that forces Oikawa to pause. There is confusion in his eyes but more than that, there is understanding and sorrow and— No. “But you would always come to me, you would call out my name, you would demand me and I— god, I hated you.”
“Oikawa.” Ushijima calls out, his voice strained. Why are you so upset? Oikawa finds himself thinking. It’s not like I’m using present tense.
“And then, in our third year…” Oikawa trailer off, knowing well Ushijima will understand what he referring to. Oikawa remembers that day clearly. Third year. Shiratorizawa vs. Seijoh. Third set. Oikawa had stumbled, and kneeled over, a sudden sensation of pain coursing through his back. Ushijima himself was barely on his feet, his face focused on maintaining a neutral expression. A poly bond. “I was relieved.” Oikawa admits. “Another soulmate. Maybe an explanation. I went to get tested, I called a specialist, I… I just needed to be sure. But.” Oikawa sighs, perplexed at the realization of just how much he is willing to share with Ushijima. “I have an unbalanced bond.”
“We have—“
Oikawa’s eyes flare. “No.” He snarls before Ushijima can get any crazy ideas in his head. “There is no we. I’m the only one that feels the unbalance.” And to prove his point, Oikawa steps forward, hand raising to grip his shirt right above his chest while the distance between him and Ushijima gets shorter. “You can’t feel it, can you?” Oikawa asks, his hold on his shirt hardening. “You can’t feel how much this hurts right now.”
Oikawa sees the moment Ushijima comes to understand his words. “I feel the physical pain.” He says. “You… you feel both?”
Thats not even the half of it. Oikawa reflects, thinking over his next words carefully before extending his hand out. Ushijima stares at him, only looking down on the scar that rests on his wrist when Oikawa points at it. “I got bit by a dog in my second year of high school.” Ushijima blinks confused, his hand extending to ghost over the scar. Oikawa feels a shiver run through his body before he pulls his hand away. “I had to go to the hospital. It was the same day as the Interhigh finals.” Oikawa clarifies, hoping Ushijima understands where he is going with this. After a moment of silence, Oikawa adds; “You never felt it, did you?”
There is a sort of horrified expression appearing on Ushijima’s face. Oikawa thinks about letting the conversation drop then. Perhaps this is enough for him to understand. We are not equals. Oikawa still wants to say however. Our pain is a death sentence. He wants to declare. Do you see now, why I can’t accept this bond?
“Sometimes, the pain I feel doesn’t reach you.” Oikawa explains, the sight of Ushijima’s crestfallen expression forcing the words out of him. “Sometimes, the pain you cause doubles for me.” Is this cruel? He wonders. Will this make you hate me? “That’s the unbalance.” I’m broken. “How can I trust my bond when this is the cards fate has given me?”
And that’s what it comes down to. How can Oikawa ever believe in anything that’s so fucked up? Unexplained pain, inaccurate emotions. At this point, is Ushijima even his soulmate? Maybe it was all a coincidence.
“So after knowing this, how can you be so sure I’m meant for you? That I’m the one behind your pain? That the pain we feel is even real?” Oikawa asks questions that have haunted him for the past years, whatever filter he has originally thought he was in control of, long gone.
Ushijima, for his part, doesn’t seem to have an answer.
But like the whistle blown by the referee, signalling the end of a match, a sound breaks through the hallway. Loud and desperate knocking against Ushijima’s door. Oikawa snaps his head towards the sound while Ushijima moves with urgency to open the door.
In a matter of seconds, Oikawa is watching with wide eyes as the door opens to reveal Bokuto’s panting figure. He looks like he ran a whole marathon. Ushijima looks conflicted, frozen on his spot by the door, unable to make sense out of the situation while Bokuto is bent over, supporting his weight with his knees, a handful of papers tightly gripped in his hands.
“Waka...Toshi.” Bokuto gasps. “Is he...” he trails off, looking up to catch Oikawa’s eyes.
Oikawa’s heart lunches forward at the reminder of the last time he was trapped in those eyes. “Oikawa.” Bokuto call’s out, his voice numbing Oikawa’s entire being.
“Are you okay?” Ushijima is asking, his hand resting on Bokuto’s shoulder as Bokuto continues to try to catch his breath. It takes his a moment, but soon enough Bokuto straightens up, facing Ushijima to offer him a smile before he walks past him to stand right in front of Oikawa.
Oikawa is speechless. This— he is not prepared for this. It has taken him four weeks to prepare himself to see Ushijima, not Bokuto. Bokuto and him, they don’t have a history. Truthfully, Oikawa had simply planned to make his rejection official on his last day in Japan. Preferably via a phone call. This— this wasn’t—
“Tooru.” Bokuto says, clearing Oikawa’s mind from his worry to instead be flooded with unwanted desires. With unwanted feelings of warmth, fondness, yearning. “I’m sorry” Bokuto states abruptly, shoving the papers he holds under his armpit before his hands are reaching out to grab a hold of Oikawa’s face. Oikawa freezes, shocked at his boldness and at the feel of his calloused hands gently but firmly grabbing a hold of him. “There is something I have to say.” Oikawa gulps, completely taken by surprise. He dares a glance over to Ushijima to notice him appear just as confused.
“O…okay?”
Bokuto nods reassuring himself before he inhales and parts his lips. “Oikawa Tooru. You’re my soulmate.” Oikawa thinks that perhaps nothing will ever taste as bittersweet as those words. “Nothing will change that.” Bokuto lets him go and immediately goes to grab the papers. Oikawa is dazed. “I... I won’t say I understand.” Bokuto then says, reaching out to hand over the papers to Oikawa. “It would be a lie.”
Test results. The paper reads. Bokuto Koutarou.
“How our bond works... the unbalance from your end— I don’t have the answers to that. No one does.” Bokuto sighs and Oikawa can barely hear him over his own thoughts on the papers he now holds. “We might never find those answers.” Oikawa looks up, noticing Bokuto’s adam’s apple move as he finally takes in just how nervous Bokuto appears. “I’m not a strong believer in fate, but I do believe in my emotions. In my feelings. In what’s inside here.” He taps his chest, signalling his heart much like Oikawa had a few minutes ago. Then, out of nowhere Bokuto expression falls, he looks discouraged as he chokes back a cry and states; “I want to be by your side. I want to hold you. I want to comfort you. I want to help you shoulder the pain.“
“It doesn’t work that way.” Oikawa quickly states. He can already feel the tears forming.
“I know.” Bokuto admits after a moment, face down. “I want to make this fair... but I can’t.” From the other side of the room, Ushijima loudly inhales. “All I can do is ask that you forgive me.”
That’s—
How—
How dare you. Oikawa mentally screams, the anger in him quickly spreading like wildfire. “It’s not your fault.“ He utters.
“Forgive me for not being enough.” Bokuto adds, speaking over Oikawa’s trembling voice. “I’m sorry.” Shut up. “I’m—“
“Shut up.” Oikawa snarls, his hands curling into fists by his side. “Why would you even— can’t you see? This has nothing to do with us!” Oikawa steps forward, grabbing the front of Bokuto’s shirt in a tight grip, pulling forward so that they are face to face as Oikawa yells at him. “I can’t control what pain travels through our bond. You can’t control it. None of us can! This is just—this is just fate.” From the corner of his vision Oikawa watches as Ushijima seems to move around the room, in search of something. He doesn’t get the chance to watch further when Bokuto’s hand reaches to circle around the hand that grips his shirt tightly. Oikawa feels his heartbeat quicken. “It could have been you. It could have been Ushijima. It was a gamble. I was the lucky one.” Oikawa snorts, hating how he believes his own words. Hating how they render him useless. “I don’t blame you for this, so why are you apologizing?”
“Then why?” Bokuto rebukes. Oikawa recoils at the anger in his eyes. “Why won’t you call back my name?”
Oikawa is staring at Bokuto, he is looking right into his eyes and— he thinks he sees something break in there.
Oikawa himself feels like he everything around him is shattering.
He lets go of his shirt and pulls his hand away from Bokuto’s grip. He takes a step back. “You don’t need me for that.” He tries, taking another step away from Bokuto. In his mind, Oikawa thinks he hears the sound of broken glass with every step he takes. Then in an instant, Ushijima is standing behind Bokuto. Oikawa feels another piece break. “You have each other.”
Silence. Oikawa doesn’t move further.
“Right.” Bokuto eventually says. “Of course.” Oikawa bites his tongue, watching Bokuto turn to the side to meet Ushijima’s eyes and offers him a tight smile. “I— I need a moment.” He doesn’t wait for any of them to say something; he walks down the hall of the apartment, most likely to Ushijima’s bedroom, before softly closing the door behind him.
Once again, silence.
Though in his mind the glass room, the one Oikawa pictures himself standing in, is still breaking apart.
“The pain will be there whether you’re by our side or not.” Ushijima says, breaking the silence with words Oikawa never expected to hear. He turns around, his shoulder slumped in defeat to meet his eyes. Ushijima is standing in front of him, closer than before. This time Oikawa recognizes the expression he wears.
Disdain.
Oikawa opens his mouth to make some sort of remark; to further ignite the fuel that hides behind Ushijima’s eyes. He opens his mouth but no words come out. Instead Ushijima extends his hand and Oikawa’s eyes fall on another set of papers.
“What is this…?” Test results. Oikawa takes the papers. Ushijima Wakatoshi.
“I don’t have the answers either.” Ushijima declares before Oikawa can question him further. Do you hate me? Oikawa can’t help but wonder. “I should go to him.”
Right. “I’ll help myself out.” Oikawa mumbles.
Ushijima doesn’t say anything else. He leaves Oikawa alone in the living room, traitorous tears on his cheeks while his hands tightly grip the papers he was given. When Oikawa hears another door close, the very last bit of glass breaks around him.