Chapter Text
Soonyoung didn’t think he could move his limbs anymore. He laid sprawled on the cold tiles of the practice room. The mirrors lining the wall were fogging up, his limbs felt heavy and sweat clung onto him like a second skin. His notes were probably scattered somewhere across the ground, lying in the same fashion as he was right now. The whiteboard he used to scribble formations and choreography was now a smear of the black dry-erase marker he failed to clean completely. A mess, just like how his mind was unraveling right now.
His head lolled to the side, and his eyes caught the sight of the clock hung near the door.
3:00 AM.
Great. If Seungcheol didn’t manage to chop my head off, Jihoon would.
This was already his nth time spending the night sweating in the practice room. This was definitely not his first rodeo; he’d done the overnight grind before, and this was nothing compared to the other nights when he would pass out of exhaustion, only to jolt awake a few minutes later to panic about the still unfinished dance routines. He didn’t mind it though, not really. It was the only way he knew to feel like… him.
Seungcheol and Jihoon would, though.
Jihoon was probably locked in the recording studio right now, piecing together melodies and lyrics before the deadline. The comeback date was getting nearer, and Soonyoung would be content if everything were done long before the deadline. It would make everything less stressful and hectic, and Seungcheol would finally stop looking so pressed all the time. Soonyoung gets it; it must be stressful to lead thirteen people at the same time constantly, making sure there were thirteen heads every time they went anywhere, and trying to calm down these thirteen people would probably be the worst of it. Though, Seungcheol was probably sleeping right now, pacing in his sleep, trying to mentally count thirteen heads for the thousandth time.
What he’s feeling right now would only be a fraction of the whole burden Seungcheol bore on his shoulder. And he didn’t even have the responsibility of SEVENTEEN’s entire music discography like Jihoon. That knowledge made him feel shittier than before.
They have it worse, Soonyoung thought. I only choreograph. Jihoon carries our sound. Seungcheol has to lead the whole group.
He tried to rise and forced himself back to the choreography he was making before he collapsed on the floor, but it seemed like his body wouldn’t listen to him at all. Soonyoung was screaming at all of his muscle fibers to move, but his body was planted to the ground, firm and unmoving.
Soonyoung closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and willed himself to stand up, dragging his body through the practice room to gather his notes and wobbled back to the board to stare at it for the next 15 minutes, hoping that routines would just magically form on the board.
“Hell, I can’t come up with anything…” Soonyoung pinched the bridge of his nose, huffing in frustration that his exhausted brain couldn’t come up with anything.
He was about to scratch his temple in annoyance, but when his fingers came in contact with his skin, he winced in pain and disbelief.
Did he break his fall with his head? Oh, wait– he probably didn’t break his fall at all and smashed his head straight to the ground.
Soonyoung made a mental note to check it out later, but right now, his top priority was finishing this damn choreography, or SEVENTEEN wouldn’t have a comeback at all. Well, it’s pretty extreme to phrase it that way; the company would probably find some ways or another if Soonyoung didn’t manage to finish the dance routine, just like what they did with Thanks. But the disappointment that would loom over his head at the promotions would surely be the death of him so he would instead exert his poor body now than suffered through unimaginable self-loathing later.
His phone buzzed in his pocket, snapped Soonyoung out of his thoughts. His hand reached the back pocket of his training pants and he fumbled for it with sore fingers.
Jihoon.
He groaned aloud when his eyes caught the caller ID that flashed on the screen. Seriously, out of twelve people in the dorm, why did it have to be Jihoon who called him? Wasn’t the short guy supposed to be buried at the recording studio? Wasn’t he supposed to be there, trying to chase the deadline the way Soonyoung was right now?
Soonyoung debated ignoring the non-stop calls, but it looked like Jihoon wasn’t going to give up easily, so with a sigh, he answered the call.
“… yeah?”
“What do you mean, ‘yeah’? Do you have any idea what time it is now?”
“Uh… 3?”
Soonyoung heard a sharp tsk came through the speaker.
“I won’t beat around the bush, Soonyoung. Where are you right now? Why aren’t you in the dorm?”
Soonyoung started getting annoyed too, and the exhaustion didn’t help. Who gave Jihoon the right to talk to him in this manner when they’re the same age?
“Why do you want to know anyway,” His reply came out in more of a flat tone and the question he asked back now sounded more like a statement rather than a question that needed an answer.
“Do you want to know why? Everyone is up right now, no-one can sleep because we don’t know where the hell you are. And here you are, being stubborn with me on the phone.”
Soonyoung heard some rustling from the other end of the line, and the voice changed.
“Hyung… please just come home. We’re worried sick. Where are you, hyung? We called Jihoon-hyung when we realized you were gone because we thought he was in the recording studio again, and you might be there too with him, but Jihoon-hyung was in the dorm…”
Seungkwan’s voice came through, and Soonyoung’s stomach started feeling heavy.
“How… many of you are awake?”
“Almost all of us in the upstairs dorm except Jeonghan-hyung and Jun-hyung, I think. Hansol was seriously panicked when he saw that your bed is empty….”
Seungkwan’s voice trailed off, but those sentences were enough to make guilt churned deep in his pit. Soonyoung sighed, slowly realizing the aftereffect of his midnight run away.
“Okay, I’ll go back now– “ Soonyoung heard some rustling again from his phone, and the voice changed again.
“Where are you right now?”
Seungcheol. Soonyoung knew he’s already in deep trouble when the caller ID displayed Jihoon’s name, but when Seungcheol raspy sleepy voice came through, he knew he was in deep shit.
“Ah, hyung– “
“Get home. Now. We’ll talk about this later.”
Fuck. Seungcheol sounded really mad.
“Yes, hyung.”
The line went dead, and Soonyoung stared at his phone screen. The silence that followed was heavier than any noise, and his guilt was immediately replaced by the anxiety of whatever would greet him at the dorm.
He tried to keep his mind off his thoughts by cleaning and tidying up the practice room. He took a photo of the whiteboard before erasing it and gathered his scattered notes all around the practice room. He took a quick shower and changed his clothes, stuffed his drenched training clothes into his backpack, and flicked the lamp switch.
Soonyoung punched the pin key into the door quietly, silently hoping the tension on the phone wouldn’t follow him home, and peeked inside. The light was on, and there sat on the sofa Seungkwan, Chan, Minghao, Jihoon, and… Seungcheol. He awkwardly smiled and waved at them, trying to keep the atmosphere light, but the scowls on their faces seemed to be resistant to it.
“Hi?”
“Sit.”
Soonyoung sat stiffly on the couch. Seungcheol and Jihoon standing in front of him, Chan and Hansol flanked him on either side, and Seungkwan was standing behind him with his hands resting on Soonyoung’s shoulders, probably a small attempt at comforting him. Soonyoung diverted his eyes from the two leaders in front of him, trying his best not to show that he’s a bit anxious right now.
“You guys can leave,” Jihoon said to the younger.
“But hyung–“
“Just leave, Seungkwan-ah. It’s fine. Go,” Soonyoung cut him off, and Seungkwan shot him an apologetic look before ushering the others to their rooms.
The soft click of doors closing sounded like a judge’s gavel, leaving Soonyoung to the two leaders in front of him.
“Where were you?” Jihoon started, crossing his arms.
Soonyoung shifted a little on the couch, considering his options before answering.
“Just… out for some fresh air.”
Jihoon’s scowl deepened.
“Liar,” Seungcheol said, jaw tight.
Soonyoung stared at Seungcheol incredulously, trying to defend himself out of trouble. He knew that there’s a rule at the dorm that no-one could go practice past 11 pm. And Soonyoung just blatantly broke the rule.
“I’m not.”
“Yes, you are,” Seungcheol lifted his hand towards Soonyoung, and for one second, he thought the older boy were going to strike him and Soonyoung closed his eyes, but instead of his cheek coming in contact with flesh, he felt his black backpack being yanked off his shoulder. He opened his eyes in panic to see Seungcheol with Soonyoung’s bag in his hands.
“Isn’t this your training bag, Soonyoung?”
Before Soonyoung could say anything, Jihoon snatched it from Seungcheol’s hands and opened the backpack, pulling out his sweat-drenched training clothes.
“What is this, then?” Jihoon asked in a slightly angry voice, and Soonyoung immediately looked down, refusing to look at the evidence of his crime.
“You were in the practice room, weren’t you?” Seungcheol looked at him, his eyes filled with anger and dread.
Soonyoung started picking at his loose hangnail.
“Answer me!” Seungcheol barked at him, and Soonyoung flinched at the loud sound. His mind couldn’t help but traveled to his other members that were somewhere in the dorm, trying to get some sleep to function correctly tomorrow.
“Yeah.”
Seungcheol huffed harshly in anger and Jihoon was just standing there unmoving, hands folded in front of his chest and a scowl on his face as in to show Soonyoung his disapproval.
“What is the rule in this dorm?”
“Huh?”
“WHAT IS THE RULE IN THIS DORM KWON SOONYOUNG!?”
Soonyoung bit his lips, not expecting Seungcheol to be that mad with him.
“No… practice after 11.”
Seungcheol hurled his backpack back at him.
“I don’t want to see you conscious and moving at this hour ever again.”
Soonyoung just nodded, not really trusting his tongue, and honestly not knowing what to answer to that statement. Seungcheol stormed out the front door and slammed it close harshly.
Jihoon remained standing in front of him.
“You know he said that for your own good, right? We just can’t afford more overworked and exhausted members, especially when the comeback is getting nearer,” Jihoon paused, his tone softer but his face stayed stern. Soonyoung looked down to his feet, “We haven’t even gotten anything done except a few drafts. Just please help Seungcheol and spare him the stress. He had had been… stretched thin. We all are. I don’t even think he wanted to be that mad at you. Just apologize tomorrow, okay?”
Jihoon turned his back and walked out of the dorm. After hearing the door closed, Soonyoung sunk into the couch, trying his best to hold whatever-emotion-he’s-feeling-right-now in. Once both unit leaders exited the dorm, the small piece of thread holding all his composure together just snapped, and he found himself struggling to control his emotions. He inhaled and exhaled thousands of times, trying to regulate his breathing, hoping it would somehow regulate his feelings too.
The anxiety and guilt had long been replaced by something unrecognizable; was it anger?
He made a mistake. He didn’t expect Hansol would wake up, knowing the younger was a deep sleeper. He didn’t expect they would call Jihoon too, and definitely didn’t expect Seungcheol to come with them.
What was all that talk about trying not to stress the leader but still waking him up just because one member was gone?
Soonyoung would feel better if they told him that it’s because they were worried unimaginable things would happen to him outside at night, yada yada. But telling him straight that they just can’t afford another exhausted member seemed a bit…
Soonyoung got it, though. But why did he still feel shitty?
The train of thought left him at once when he heard the soft click of a door. He turned his head and met Seungkwan’s wet angry eyes.
“Holy shit, hey, are you okay, Seungkwan-ah?” Soonyoung scrambled to hold the younger and cupped the younger’s face on his hands; to which the younger softly brushed away, “Were you listening? Why aren’t you asleep?”
“I-I just–“ Seungkwan quickly wiped his eyes in a harsh manner before tears started rolling down his cheeks again, “I feel so bad right now… Sorry, hyung, I think I’m a bit sensitive from the stress of the upcoming comeback– but I feel so guilty hyung… We shouldn’t have called Jihoon-hyung– “
Soonyoung just pulled the younger into a hug, his right hand ruffling his hair.
“It’s alright, Seungkwan-ah, you’re just worried.”
“No! No… we just got you in trouble with Seungcheol-hyung. And right when we were preparing for a comeback too…”
“It’s okay, Seungkwan-ah. I’ll apologize to him tomorrow, and we’ll be good again, alright? Just go to sleep now, yeah?”
Seungkwan just stared at the floor, hard, before turning back and closing the door of his room.
Soonyoung found himself standing in front of the closed door; three different burdens were heavy on his shoulders.