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“If it’s a date, seafood dinner is a must.”
“Tsk, you’re just saying that because you want to eat crabs!”
“We’re talking about dates, aren’t we? It wouldn’t be surprising that you don’t know this, but dates typically include things that people like, chibikko.”
“This, coming from you? The one who either gets slapped by women or have them cry about your bastardly ways?”
“Ano ne, Chuuya, why are you keeping track of my dates? Something you want to tell me?”
“Yeah, I want to tell you that you’re an enemy of all women. No, not just that, a fucking blight upon humanity.”
“Ssh, Chuuya, you shouldn’t say bad words. We have our child right here.”
Atsushi tries to sink into the wall behind him. He’s never really thought that he’d witness the end of the world like this: being forced to listen to Dazai-san and Chuuya-san talk about a number of things, but mostly, romance.
A joint mission between the Agency and the Port Mafia. Due to a certain turn of events, the three of them are stuck inside a room, while they wait for Akutagawa to finish reconnaissance. Atsushi kind of hates the other man, because he immediately volunteered to do the recon work. He should have known that there’s something fishy about it—should have insisted to accompany the other. Getting stabbed by Rashomon is so much better than having to bear witness to the strange interactions between the infamous soukoku.
Fortunately (?) the two men have their attentions stuck on each other. So they don’t actually make too many attempts at talking to Atsushi.
Unfortunately, that also means that they just jump back to their crazy conversation without a hitch.
“Our child?! You think just because you’re now in the path of light, you’re fit to act as a parent?!”
“Fufufu, I think the question here is, with how child-sized your height is, can you even be called a parent?”
“I’d be so much better at parenting than you, shitty bastard!”
“With that kind of potty mouth, we’d better sanitize that with soap first, before you can claim to be Atsushi-kun’s mother.”
“Why the hell am I the mother in this scenario?!”
Atsushi closes his eyes and tries not to cry. Shouldn’t the question be somewhere along the lines of, why the hell are they just assuming that they’d be married in this scenario?! Won’t they think of Atsushi’s blood pressure?!
Because soukoku is truly the most destructive partnership in the history of Yokohama’s underground, they have no mercy for Atsushi’s braincells.
“You’re so much better at doing the laundry, that’s why.”
“That doesn’t make sense!”
“It doesn’t?”
“I use a laundry service, asshole!”
“Oh, then how about we decide it like this, then? The one who can give Atsushi-kun here the best dating advice would get to choose on who’s the mother.”
“Hmph, you’re on!”
“I already gave my seafood dinner suggestion earlier, chibi.”
“Learning something together should work best.”
“Oho? That’s surprisingly… not tacky of you. No wine involved?”
“There’s always time for champagne later.”
“Should they take dancing lessons then?”
“Wait, just to make this clear, this weretiger is interested in dating Akutagawa? The one without eyebrows? Not his sister?”
“Chuuya, how are you so stupid? Haven’t you noticed how Akutagawa-kun’s been pining for our child?”
“Akutagawa knows what the hell pining is?”
“He is?!”Atsushi squeaks out alongside Chuuya’s disbelief.
Fortunately (?) the two only have eyes and ears for each other right now. It’s very lucky for him that the two are on the other end of the room, occupying one wall while seated side-by-side. Cross-legged on the floor, but instead of sitting with their backs flush against the wall, the two are tilted towards each other while they bicker. So they can presumably look at each other in the eyes while they talk. Or something.
“Of course he knows what pining is. He even is taking on a dragon fursona recently, to match with Atsushi-kun.”
“………I don’t even know what to say to that.”
“Fufufu, do you even know what it is?”
“With the way you’re waggling your eyebrows at me, no, I don’t want to know at all.”
“Now, now, you should know that knowledge is power.”
“If you keep on shoving your face at me, I’d gladly introduce a punch full of power to you.”
Atsushi tries not to watch it, he really does. But he steals a peek nevertheless, curiosity boiling in his stomach. Dazai-san leans in close until his mouth looks like he’s about to gobble up Chuuya-san’s ear. He whispers something and it causes Chuuya-san to gasp scandalously, before letting out strange, bubbling sounds as though he’s frothing at the mouth.
“Urgh, I hate you so much.”
“You do know that I know how much you really don’t mean such a comment, don’t you?”
Atsushi stomps down on his curiosity. He really wants to get a clarification about what Dazai-san means by Akutagawa pining and that dragon fursona bit, but—! He’s not quite sure if he’ll manage to survive receiving that knowledge. He’s not a glutton for punishment, but it seems that there’s no escaping this, as long as he’s stuck with this two.
Dazai-san says, “Let’s not get distracted.” The way that he’s nuzzling into Chuuya-san’s neck so blatantly is very, very distracting though!
“If we’re really helping those two have good dates, I can hire a dance studio and an instructor for them. Waltz and tango should be good for them.”
“I get waltz, but tango?”
“I’ll tell Akutagawa it will be good to learn the rhythm for his physical training.”
“…Pfft, so you’re bribing Akutagawa-kun.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t know this, but dates typically include things that people enjoy, shitty Dazai.”
“Oh, is that why you always try to kill me when we meet up? Because you know how much I adore death?”
“No, that’s just because you’re an asshole.”
Atsushi tries not to lose his mind as he internally yells, wait up!!! So you mean to say that you’ve been dating all this time!!! I don’t understand!!!
Unfortunately for him and his very valid concerns, the two start kissing right then and there, and have become unavailable to answer his questions. Atsushi makes a promise to himself to never ever let himself be alone with these two—if he has to climb Akutagawa like a tree just so he can escape, then so be it!
(Unknown to him, of course, that kind of development in his thinking goes according to Dazai’s plan to matchmake his two protégés.)
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