Chapter Text
“Oh, I seem to spy a tiny, tiny man… whatever are you doing here, Chuuya?”
“Haaa? Go away, this is my spot! What are you doing here, shitty Dazai?”
“Eh? Your spot? Somehow, that’s news to me? I don’t think I’ve ever seen a certain slug’s name written on this place?”
“O-O-Oi! What are you—! I found this spot first!”
“Fufufu. And now I’m seated here too.”
“Urghhh, I’m supposed to do my self-reflection here and stuff and now you’re just ruining the whole atmosphere…”
“…Pfft, is that why you’ve been making faces at the lake then?”
“Making faces?! I was thinking seriously!”
“Oh, so that’s why you looked constipated.”
“I’m gonna yeet you into the depths of the lake, see how you like that!”
“Tsk, tsk, why must you copy random words you see from the internet, you’re really just like a child…”
“Between the two of us, aren’t you the bigger brat?!”
“I’m bigger, true.”
“URGHHHH you’re giving me a massive headache.”
“All the more reason for me to stay!”
“No, it’s not an invitation!!!”
“How are you this stingy? Don’t you know that stingy people never get tall no matter how much milk they drink?”
“…Really…?”
“Would I ever lie to you?”
“You lied and cheated so much on our bubble-blowing contest?!”
“Tsk, tsk, chibis who can’t let bygones be bygones are also bound to stay short forever.”
“What bygones?! That just happened yesterday!”
“As I said: from a distant past.”
“Ane-san is still mad that we broke her tea set…”
“Eh, you’re the one who broke it? I was just pointing and laughing at you?”
“Fuck you, I nearly swallowed an entire bottle of soap after you tricked me to—urghhhh I’m getting so mad again!”
“Now, now, you might be the strongest slug out here, but there’s no need to resort to violence each time, you know? Each time you kick me, the bones in your legs shrink the tiniest bit.”
“What the hell?! Why is it so difficult to be tall?!”
“Tell you what, if you agree to be my dog for life, I’ll give you special milk that has special protein that will make you specially… longer.”
“………………….Somehow, I get the feeling that you’re saying such disgusting perverted things right now.”
“Don’t you want to finally be able to reach the top of your pantry without resorting to using your Ability?”
“Of course I do—wait, how the fuck do you know that I’m not able to reach it?!”
“Nothing can escape my eyes, fufufu~”
“…Which means to say, that you’ve planted yet another bug on my apartment. Don’t you know how useless it is by now? I’m still strong enough to pummel you to next town over, you can’t get blackmail on me.”
“Oh, but if I can catch you while you’re masturbating under your bedsheets, then I’d get plenty of embarrassing information that way, wouldn’t I?”
“So you’re really resorting to blackmail?!”
“Mm, but that’s such an ugly word… I prefer to use… information.”
“You’re really such a disgusting, slimy snake, urgh, I can’t stand you.”
“Is that why you’re wriggling all over me right now?”
“I’m not—! You’re the one who insisted on sitting with me on this damn small chair!”
“Details, details.”
“You—!”
“Also, if there’s someone slimy between us, isn’t it you, slug?”
“I have a feeling I’ll just get a headache if I ask, but… why the fuck do you insist on calling me a slug, huh?”
“Eh, isn’t it obvious?”
“Would I ask if it is—eurghhh stop touching my face!”
“I’m gathering proof.”
“Haaaa?!”
“See, you’re small, you like exercising so much that you’re all slippery and moist with sweat… also you’re small.”
“You’ve said small twice there, oi.”
“Congratulations, you know how to count up to two! What an advanced microorganism you are!”
“One more irritating word and I’m gonna dropkick you to the lake.”
“Fufufu, I can predict all of your movements… your thrusts… so if you want to kick me, I’ll just drag you down with me.”
“Leave me out of your double-drowning fantasies, I can just feel you leering weirdly!”
“And if Chuuya gets dragged to the lake, whatever will happen to Randou-san’s hat?”
“…I really hate you.”
“The feeling’s mutual, chibikko.”
“No way, I’m sure I hate you more.”
“Mm, I hate you so much that I don’t plan on paying you back for that pizza we ordered last week.”
“…You know what, I never expected you to pay me back, you stingy bastard.”
“Oh, so did I steal money from your wallet for nothing then?”
“Give it back here, damn it! Urghhhh, I hate you so very, very much, urghhhhh.”
“Mm, I hate you so much that I’d rather die than have sex with you?”
“First off, you’d rather die than do literally anything else, what are you even talking about. Secondly, WHAT THE FLYING FUCK.”
“Oh, such a pitiful chibi. Don’t you know what sex is? Want me to teach you?”
“You shut your mouth.”
“No, if it’s sex, it should be the opposite.”
“………………..I really hate you so much.”
“Fufufu, same here.”
“…Ah, Ane-san texted me.”
“Did she like the replacement tea-set I bought for her?”
“…She did.”
“Ah, aren’t I such a good partner? I even bought a new tea set to replace the one you broke…”
“………Right, thanks.”
“What was that? Say it louder chibikko~~~”
“………………………….thanks.”
“Okay, now I wanna record it from this angle, one, two—ow, ow you brutish chibi…”
Chuuya does not drown Dazai on the lake and even pays for their dinner as they leave the park. Maybe, having Dazai as a partner isn’t completely that bad. Just bad 99% of the time.
Of course, later that evening, when he receives an email from Athina, Credit Card Fraud Investigation Manager, about suspicions of fraudulent activity on his card, starting with a purchase for a 10-million yen tea-set…
…Well, it’s just part of the reasons why soukoku is dubbed the most destructive partnership in underground history.
-
end