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“Who even is the target audience of that? Who the fuck needs an infomercial for goddamn bandages?”
“Excuse me, that child over there—”
“—child?! You’re talking to me?!”
“Ah, pardon me, I didn’t see you there.”
“They haven’t even dimmed the lights fully yet!”
“…Mm. I suppose you really are just that tiny then? Should you be out this late? Little kids should sleep more so they can grow tall, right?”
“Bastard, are you picking a fight?! I’ll pummel you to the ground!”
“You see, you’re the one who did an unforgivable crime first.”
“Ha? The fuck? If you’re about to say that I’m criminally handsome or some other shitty pick-up line—”
“—pfft, don’t worry, if I’m to hit on someone as tiny as you, you’ll know it.”
“I’d gladly hit you with this damn chair, stop smirking at me!”
“Ah, but before you get distracted, let me educate you: bandages are important accessories and I, for one, am most pleased to know that there’s an ongoing 50% sale for it!”
“…You do know that even if you bandage your brain, you’d still be crazy?”
“Mm, so you say, but I have noticed your eyes checking me out, so you’ve surely seen how I prefer to wear my bandages.”
“You’re making it sound like they’re just, what, accessories? Like jewelry?”
“This sounds like you’re about to propose giving me a ring.”
“The only ring I’ll give you is my hands wrapped around your neck!”
“…Eh, so you’re saying that you’re too poor to afford a ring? I guess it’s to be expected, given that you’re even wearing a tacky hat.”
“I own my own winery! What the fuck, how dare you insult my hat?! Take that back, asshole!”
“Uwaaaa, you’re an alcoholic on top of being small? How pitiful can you be?”
“Bastard, come here, I’ll beat you up until you’re food for the fish at the bottom of the bay!”
“Our first date and you already want us to share seats in the cinema? So forward of you, shrimp.”
“That’s not what I mean and you know it!”
“Also, if we’re talking seafood, please do note that I prefer crabs instead of fish.”
“Like hell if I care about your favorite food!”
“Canned crab is best.”
“………………My ears feel like they’ve been doused with slime. Canned crab? What kind of shitty taste is that?”
“Mm, someone who’s been so moved to tears by the previous commercial about dog food? Has no footing to criticize my taste.”
“I wasn’t crying—!!!”
“You sniffled three times, wiped your eyes four times, pretended to check your phone so you can blow your nose six times.”
“I didn’t—! I was checking a message from Ane-san—!! Wait a minute, why the hell have you been paying so much attention to me?!”
“Mm, I wanted to see what kind of idiot cries over dog food commercials.”
“I told you, I wasn’t crying!”
“So your girlfriend… mm, unlikely, you’re too tiny to get one, was checking up on your whereabouts?”
“That’s my older sister and no, I’m not giving you her number!”
“Won’t you reconsider? I should ask her for tips on her supplier of contact lenses though.”
“…Ha? She doesn’t wear one??”
“No? Then however can she see you?”
“…I’m really gonna fucking kill you…”
“You shouldn’t. If you get charged with murder, however can you cry over dog food commercials again?”
“I already told you so many times, I wasn’t crying!!!”
“You should be careful, I heard this movie has—mmph.”
“—why the hell are you spreading spoilers! In the movie theater! You’re the lowest of low!”
“You’re shouting inside the cinema… and you’re already quite low, ow, ow, you’re gonna pinch my nose off!”
“That’s the plan!”
“If you don’t let me go, I’ll think that you really want to sit on my lap…”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“…Fufufu, you let go so quickly. Makes me think that you’re so defensive—hiding something?”
“Yeah. Hiding my sanity away from your crazy words.”
“Now, now, while you do look as tasty as a cute snack, I have no interest in men, you know?”
“I also have no interest in men and even less interest in bastards!”
“Glad we’ve established that, then.”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“By the way, you’re so curious about what kind of snack I’m comparing you to, huh?”
“Absolutely not!”
“Really?”
“I don’t care what you think about me!”
“I think you’re like a mochi.”
“Ha?! What the hell?! I’m not that sweet and I’m definitely not sticky!”
“But you’re like a tiny button!”
“Just because of that?!”
“Mm, a sakura mochi.”
“If anything I should be a premium chardonnay flavored one!”
“Let’s see—”
“—!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Dazai licks his lips after he sneaks in a taste. “I was right. You do taste sweet.”
“…you’re wrong… you definitely have defective taste buds…”
Dazai smothers his laughter before leaning in again. “Well, I don’t mind double-checking.”
(After this, the two of them get permanently banned from the cinema.)