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“I did it, there ain’t nothing that can excuse that.”
“I’m not looking for excuses, I’m looking for reasons.”
“Same thing kid.”
“ Bullshit ! Excuses are what people use to avoid owning their shit. Reasons are how people actually know the why. Can’t own it if you can’t accept what you did. Can’t avoid repeating it if you don’t know the signs.”
Booker wasn’t so sure of that, but he wasn’t so sure he wanted to consider what went down at all. Still Nile deserved more.
“Fine, you win, I got reasons but that doesn't mean I’m ready to share them.”
“...that’s fair” He’s pretty sure Nile has to force those words out, but glad she dropped it. She was pretty good about not pushing at this point.
Booker only went to the first meeting because Nile suggested it. It was becoming a recurring theme that he hoped she didn’t catch on to. He could already feel himself centering on her like he used to with Andy. At the rate it was going he was going to belong to Nile more than he had ever had anyone else.
Alcoholism was, well it wasn’t fine, but Nile seemed to think it wasn’t his major issue apparently. Booker thought the 3 bottles a day diet he was on when they first started this dance would disagree. Either way she had said to skip AA, and go to a support group instead.
Nile had made a strong case, and following her advice Booker looked for a group for parents who lost their children to cancer. This was his 5th time meeting the group and...it didn’t want to make him drink more which was win all things considered. People talking about their dead kids was rarely considered a good time. But as Booker was learning, 1839 or 2019 the underlying pain was the same. The word cancer still held a terrible power, and children begged their powerless parents to save them. It wasn’t therapy, but it was a start in the right direction.
‘Did you ever ask about looking for Quyhn’
‘Once
Once was enough’
‘Why?’
‘You’ve seen how they look when they know you’ve had a dream
Apparently it took years for them to get her to stop, not sure if they could again’
Booker can’t bring himself to tell that story. Of how he barely had the words out before Joe was pulling him out of the room. His last view of Andy was of her folding in on herself and Nicky moving in to provide conform. Joe had been firm, searching for Quyhn again wasn’t an option. But then he had talked with Booker, made it clear he didn’t blame him. That he was his brother and there for him. Thinking about it brought the guilt back in full force…
‘ So your saying I shouldn’t bring it up?’
‘Probably not’
Booker hadn’t even noticed how much his drinking has lessened on his own. It was the lady at the liquor store commenting it had been awhile that clued him in. Because well, it had been awhile. In order to not draw too much attention he cycled through 5 liquor stores, clearly an alcoholic but not inhumanly so. But it had been a month since his last visit, a far cry from 10 day average he had been sticking too.
He knew why too, he didn’t feel the need to numb himself to sleep like he used to. Talking to Nile, talking in the support group, they were helping take the edge off. Booker felt for the first time in years like there was something more to him then pain and guilt. It made feeling that pain and guilt easier.
The dreams...they were more bearable without the alcohol now that he wasn’t the only one getting them. Booker hadn’t realized how much Nile would make a difference. Tried not to pay too much attention to the guilt of being happy about it.
Book Club was a great and terrible thing. They take turns picking books, Booker reads his in French, Nile in English. Booker goes for classics, the ones already sitting in his apartment. While Nile decides to only pick from books post-2000 and tends towards romances(Booker refuses to tell her how soft they make him feel. Although he isn’t shy about loving them).
“I honestly couldn’t hear you, can you please say it again,” Nile’s voice was so gentle it wrapped around his heart. Booker used that strength to push his voice back to audible.
“It was only supposed to be me. I would get him his proof and he would take me in and if I was lucky I would finally die.”
“Oh Book”
“I planned to tell Andy we should scatter while I looked into things and then bury their trail and give myself over. Once they grabbed Nicky and Joe, I don’t even know what I was thinking….and I mean that. I literally can’t recognize the shit going on in my head that made me think any of what I was doing was right.”
Nile sat with that a moment, a thoughtful hum coming down the line. He appreciated just how noisey Nile was, always letting him know she was there. He’s pretty sure she isn’t even aware of it most of the time.
“You don’t know why you thought it was right, but you can remember what you were thinking?”
“Yeah, think so”
“Hmmm, so tell me that. Just say it to me, stream of conscious style, just let the words come.”
“I’ll...I’ll try. I guess at first I was following Andy out of that church, nothing to do but follow Andy. Once we were at the mine I was just so focused on seeing it to the end. There wasn’t any other choice. Every move was about reaching that goal. They already had Nicky and Joe, and they were going to get us either way. At least this way it would be easier. If I told Andy the Truth - she would never let me go on my own. Rescuing Joe and Nicky meant giving up on the idea all together. Not an option, which meant if I was going to turn myself in it had to be with them.
“Besides I was so convinced that Andy would want it too. You saw how miserable she was. Ending this fucking curse was a gift. When I.I.” He couldn’t get the words out, changed course, ”...when she didn’t didn’t heal...it was like the spell broke.
“The way she looked at me, Nile, everything else came back into focus. I knew I was alone again. I had thought I was alone, but looking at Andy I knew I was about to find whole new ways of defining loneliness. God...Looking at her dying was worse than Adaline and the kids because it really was all my fault.”
“That's why you were expecting to be left behind when I got there.”
“Andy got me to move, but you were the one who snapped me out of it.”
“Oh?”
“ No man left behind ,” that moment was etched in his memory forever, “knew you weren’t going to leave me alone, at least not there. Looking back it reminds me of Adaline when I got arrested.”
“She made a vow,” Booker sees the resemblance to Adaline in Nile. Fierce women who refused to stand down or let the world harden them.
“But yeah...I guess that’s my reason. I was hurting, I was guilty. Stacy, from group, likes to say ‘Hurt people hurt people.’”
“Sometimes it’s as simple and terrible as all that. But, like maybe you should also think about the fact you can get why it was bad when you couldn’t then.”
Booker joins a makerspace. Working with his hands, playing with the tech, is just enjoyable. He gets a few acquaintances there, hesitates to call them friends. It’s nice to just have people with a common interest. No tragic past, no history, just going on about how to use the CNC and 3D printer.
Being around and really interacting with people in the world is reconnecting him to it.
On Nile’s really bad nights she says nothing when he answers the phone. Booker has learned silence means he should just start talking. Filling the void with stories of his first life, bits and pieces he didn’t even realize he remembered.
More than anything he wishes he had shared these bits of himself with the others. He had thought they wouldn’t care and just wanted him to move on. Booker wonders how right that is, and how much was his damn head just assuming the worst. The only thing stopping him from going to proper therapy at this point is that he doesn’t think he can lie to a therapist the way he does in group. They’re only lies of omission, and small detail changes that don’t really matter. However if he is really going to go all in with a proper therapist he isn’t going to want to lie at all.
But just because Booker hasn't gone to therapy, doesn't mean he can’t try and help himself. For once the American’s terrible health system benefits him. His research leads to a large number of books on how to do self-directed therapy. Not as good as the real thing, but still leagues above doing nothing.
Booker’s able to recognize his disordered thoughts. That they were harming his ability to connect with his family like he should have. How they made it so easy for him to turn traitor.
Booker texts Nile some of what he’s learned, both about himself and how he can help himself.
‘ This is awesome stuff’
‘Do you think it will help?’
‘I think doing the research shows your ready to do the work🥳’
‘Didn’t realize you’d be so happy about it'
‘Well, all this stuff only works if you actually want it to, and knowing you want to improve your life makes me happy’
It’s not the first time, but every time it happens it feels a bit more real. Nile actually cares about him as a person. He matters to her. That….matters to him. Makes it easier to figure out which ideas in his head are worthwhile. Which may be why Nile was slowly replacing Andy in his mind as ‘Boss’. Booker wasn’t just getting by with her, he was doing better.