Work Text:
„And gears,“ said Anathema. “my bike didn´t have gears. I´m sure my bike didn´t have gears.”
“oh lord, heal this bike,” Crowley whispered sarcastically.
“I´m sorry I just got carried away,” hissed Aziraphale.
“Tartan straps?”
“Tartan is stylish.”
“You can drop me off here,” said Anathema from the back seat.
“Our pleasure,”
End of statement
Jon put his head in his arms and sighed loudly at the feel good ending of the story of a woman getting hit by a car, not being hurt at all and then getting her bike back in a better condition than before.
“Heeeey, boss!” Tim said in a happy voice behind him. “Did you like your last statement?”
“NO!” Jon protested muffled by his arms. “It´s the same feel-good bullshit as always.”
“Weeeeell, you didn´t notice it then?”
Jon raised his head up from his arms and looked angrily at Tim. “Didn´t notice WHAT, Tim?”
“I thought it was rather obvious…”
“Tim!”
“Ok, ok. I substituted the statement for a short segment from the book “Good Omens”!”
“Why did you do that?”
Tim smiled cheerily. “It is important British literature!”
“Tim!”
“But don´t you see?” Tim excitedly bounced up and down. “Our lives right now are like a fantasy story. And it´s a happy story with happy endings and happy in-betweens. Isn´t that exciting?”
Jon put his head back in his arms. “And I was happy there was at least a demon in the story even if he helped the angel in doing some good stuff.”
Sasha peered in the room. “Hey, is everything ok? I heard loud noises. Jon you look so tired again.”
“I´m tired. Very, very tired.” Jon said. “Every single statement is so cute I want to vomit and Tim philosophizes over stories with angles and demons instead of doing his job.”
Sasha laughed and came into the room to place herself right on Jon´s desk – he was too exhausted to protest. “Better you than me!”
“I hate you all!”
“I am trying to motivate you.” Tim answered not the least bit insulted.
“And you really seem to need it Jon.”, said a smooth voice right next to him.
Jon jumped in surprise and looked up. “Elias, you can´t do that. I´m going to get a heart attack!”
“Dreadfully sorry.” His supervisor answered. “I just wanted to express my feeling that you should start accepting your quite important position as head archivist.”
“I guess I have to,” Jon said between clenched teeth. “since I can´t quit. Remind me again how forcing me to stay is fitting in with your love gods?”
“Archivist please, it is just for your own good. And once you accept the great honor that was put upon you, you´ll feel so much better.” Elias sounded like he was talking about Jon being named King of England instead of being the watcher of the most cavity-inducing events on earth. “But I know it is hard for you so…”
Jon groaned: “Don´t say it, please don´t say it.”
“So I have a sticker as a sign for me appreciating your hart work.” Elias ended his speech ignoring Jon completely. He then got a small star sticker from the breast pocket of his tailored suit which with he wouldn´t have looked overdressed in a dinner party. He then put it in Jon´s hand that was still lying on the table from his attempt to drown himself in his own arms. Elias managed to look astonishingly like the self-satisfied cat that put herself on your keyboard just before you got to work on it while he did it. Jon had long ago decided that Elias Bouchard enjoyed using his serious-boss-act while giving you photo albums and stickers to confuse people far too much to be an appropriate avatar for any love god.
Jon glared daggers at his boss but he knew how… sneaky and passive-aggressive Elias could get when you didn´t do what he wanted – once he stuck a sticker on every free surface of Jon´s desk and it took hours to pull them all off again – so he forced a “Thank you” out of his mouth.
Elias smile got wider. “But of course. Oh, and here is your photo album. It is from the birthday party we organized…”
“Tim forced me into!” Jon grumbled.
Elias didn´t react to that. “…for you. I hope you like it. Oh, I can´t wait to make an album of you and Martin´s first date.”
“Yes, yes, very lovely…” Jon mumbled absent-mindedly. “Wait what date? Me and Martin, don´t have a date!”
“Well, yes.” Elias smiled. “Not at this stage.”
“ELIAS!” Jon got a very bad feeling where Elias scheming would be directed at next.
“Uhhh” Sasha clapped her hands together. “Are we matching making Martin and Jon?”
“It´s about time.” Tim said. “Your pining is unbearable.”
“What pining - I´m not – We´re not…” Jon stuttered. “There is no bloody pining!”
Tim began speaking in a high-pitched overly affectionate voice. “Oh Jon, do you want some tea? Can I help you with your research? You really should go get some fresh air, you have been here all day, Jon. Did you eat lunch? Oh, did I mention bringing you tea already, Jon?”
Sasha nearly fell off Jon´s table laughing. “Not speaking of your pigtail-pulling romance attempts back.”
Elias smiled serenely. “I can´t wait to make a photo album of your wedding!”
“OUR WEDDING? Jesus Christ, Elias!” Jon shouted. “I thought you were the avatar of the eye not of cupid!”
Elias shrugged. “It is true that I myself am mostly an observer but if you lightly push the right people in the right direction… you can get yourself so much more enjoyable things to watch.”
Jon raised an eyebrow. “I´m not sure if you want to help or if you just want more power from your god.”
Elias shrugged. “A bit of both? Is it so bad to help the god of remembering good memories?”
“If the good memory is made by forcing me on a date with Martin, then yes!”
There was a knock on the door then Martin entered, looking a bit nervous. “I – eh – heard my name? Everything ok?”
Then the door was pushed open so forcefully it hit the wall behind it and Peter Lucas entered. “Hello, I´m sure you all missed me very much.”
Jon groaned. “Not you, too!”
Martin hung his head. “I said you should stop following me, Peter!”
Peter acted as if he didn´t hear either one of the two and came marching up to Elias to give him a big hug. “Husband dearest, I missed you.”
Elias smiled reserved and gave him a chaste kiss on the lips. “Peter, how was the sea?”
“Oh, lovely. Being on the ship surrounded by my crew and dearest friends: It is the greatest gathering of all!” He looked around at the small room cramped with people. “But I see you manage to get great Gatherings in your Archive, too?”
Tim piped up. “We were just talking about that Martin should take Jon to that cat café where he likes the tea so much!”
“Shut up, Tim!” Jon growled between clenched teeth.
“Oh but you love cats, don´t you?” Sasha sing-sang. “Your Ex Georgie always talks about how much you miss The Admiral.”
Martin looked pretty red in the face and stuttered: “Oh… oh no, the café is nothing special, you know. I don´t want to impose… unless you want to, Jon?”
Before he could answer Peter exclaimed happily. “How fitting, I was just talking to Martin again that he should socialize more!”
“Yes.” Martin actually managed to sound pretty annoyed for his standards. “You have just been mentioning that for the last FOUR HOURS, Peter!”
“Well, socializing is important, right Elias?”
Elias nodded solemnly as if he didn´t basically live in the archive where he only came down from his office for an hour to give them all their photo albums. “Yes, I quite agree. Jon really should go out more he looks quite… pale.”
“Oh, look at the time.” Jon had pulled his phone out and acted like 16:23 was a special time to be anywhere. “I´m sorry I have an appointment. I´ll see you all later.”
He managed to be mostly out of the door before Elias slightly raised voice reached him. “So, you´ll be ready for Martin to fetch your at your flat this Saturday so you can go to the cat café?”
“Sorry, can´t hear you.” Jon answered and forcefully pulled the door shut. Then he shouted. “There´s a door in the way!”
He sighed as he hurried home. He knew he couldn´t avoid Elias scheming forever. His boss always got what he wanted one way or another.