Chapter Text
Memories were beautiful. Memories were stifling and painful. Sometimes, they were even overwhelming, but no matter how happy or how hard it was going to be, he realized while his family held him in their arms, just how deeply important and precious they were.
Hyunsoo wasn't sure how to feel when he arrived back at home with his wife and daughter in tow. He sat in the passenger seat while Jiwon drove them back to the house. He had instinctively reached for her hand to hold it, stroking his thumb over her hand, reveling in the softness of her skin. He found himself smiling warmly while they listened to Eunha chattering animatedly in the backseat about her day at school.
She was overjoyed that her Appa was finally home and couldn't stop herself. She was bursting with stories to tell him, and Hyunsoo couldn't help but grin back at his daughter while she talked, almost not believing the strange feeling in his heart this gorgeous child gave him. He couldn't believe that he had almost given up these two beautiful girls entirely. The happiness they made him feel, the familiarity surrounding them, and their overwhelming abundance of warmth and love that enveloped him. He was grateful.
This precious child. He made her. Do Hyunsoo had created this perfect little person with his beloved Jiwon, and it was nearly unbelievable. This was something he never thought himself capable of doing ever, and yet here she was. A living existence that he helped bring into the world, that shared his blood, his DNA, that was living proof, an example, that he may quite not be the despicable person he still believed himself to be. If he had to be honest with himself, it was a little overwhelming, almost improbable in a sense, but not necessarily in a bad way.
With how when he woke up he was suddenly famous and everyone loved him, not hated him, which was weird. In all the years of his life that he could recall, he'd never had anyone love or appreciate him before except for maybe Noona. Everyone had always hated him, blamed him, degraded him, hurt him. The beatings, the exorcisms, all of it. And yet here he was, a hero for catching a killer that he couldn't even recall. He had no memory of catching the accomplice to his father's serial killings, but nonetheless, Hyunsoo couldn't lie to himself that the feeling of being appreciated and not hated or looked down upon was kind of... nice.
Though at times he found himself fearful of letting his guard down too much, because he never knew who might suddenly turn on him, wanting to hurt him once again. It wasn't something he was so ready to experience again. One thing he hadn't forgotten was what Nam Soongil tried to do to him before he was hit by the car, and how truly lost he'd felt that night. Especially when he'd thought of the man as maybe even his only friend. It was rather shocking to him when Jiwon confirmed that Nam Soongil had died, but he'd also even felt a sense of relief considering the man tried to kill him once over money. Back when he'd first heard, he'd smugly thought he got what he deserved, but then strangely enough, here recently, he found himself feeling bad for thinking something like that. When did that happen? When had he ever felt bad or guilty about anything before ever? How odd...
Hyunsoo had noticed that over the past 4 months he could use his manipulation tactics on people without blinking an eye, easily read their emotions to be able to do this, but now that he'd realized he too was capable of feeling these things called emotions, he was starting to understand what guilt, sadness, frustration and hurt felt like though it had taken him a bit to understand that this is what he was feeling. He absentmindedly wondered if this was due to Jiwon's influence and how he likely had changed over the past 15 years. It frustrated him at times. He couldn't help but feel frustrated in that regard because he'd do strange things, say strange things, and buy strange things on impulse without truly meaning to. It just happened, like his body remembered all of these things he'd done over the past 15 years, but his mind could not. His mind was broken, but maybe his family would be what could help him piece all of those fragments of locked-up memories back together.
Almost too soon, Jiwon was pulling their vehicle up to the front of their house and shutting off the engine. Eunha unbuckled her car seat and lept out of the car with a happy yelp rushing up to the door to wait on her parents. Jiwon squeezed her husband's hand. He looked up at her smiling eyes. Her big, dark eyes that resembled half-moons while she smiled. His heart jumped.
"Jagi-ya, we're home. Let's go inside."
Hyunsoo nodded as he followed his wife up to the house. She unlocked the doors and Eunha bounded inside, rushing up the stairs to the front door, Hyunsoo following them both. Jiwon opened the front door and Hyunsoo stood there reluctantly for a moment, wondering if it was okay to enter this place that was his home, that had been his home for almost 15 years prior to all of this. Jiwon turned toward him, an understanding look flashed through her deep eyes, and he felt the warmth of her hands gently covering one of his own as she tugged him carefully forward. That felt familiar. Had she done this before?
Inside the home, they walked, and Hyunsoo's eyes scanned the room. They came to rest on the focal point of their living room. A large family portrait hung perfectly level just above their couch. It was of him, his wife, and their daughter. His heart began to race as Jiwon still held onto his hand while he ran his eyes over the picture, taking in his own smiling face next to his happy daughter and gently smiling wife. He looked happy. He glanced to the side and looked at the smaller framed photos of Eunha as well as other family pictures scattered about on the walls and shelves of their home. He felt warmth. It felt... inviting. He could hear faint laughter echoing through his head and Hyunsoo closed his eyes.
He could see the three of them standing near a porch swing somewhere on a dock, surrounded by fresh cerulean water, blue skies littered with white cotton clouds, vividly green trees, and warm weather. They were all dressed nicely, and Hyunsoo could see a cameraman on the dock with a camera sat on a tripod. The memory of when they took these family portraits.
"Jagi-ya! Over here!" Jiwon's voice cried out excitedly as she beckoned him forward. "Let's take a photo here!"
"Appa! Pick me up!"
"Oh? You want Appa to pick you up? Like this?!"
He could see himself lifting Eunha high up in the air and swinging her around while his daughter squealed with laughter. He propped Eunha on his hip as they approached a smiling Jiwon who sat waiting with arms open for her family on the porch swing. He remembered all the different photos and poses he'd done with his family that day. Some of just him and his wife, some of the three of them, some of just Eunha. He remembered the picnic lunch they ate that afternoon on a blanket spread across the crisp, green grass, and the happy sounds of laughter and chattering of his family that sang out. It was beautiful, it was homely, it was true happiness and it made him nearly want to cry. His breath hitched and Jiwon was squeezing his shoulder reassuringly.
"Eunha-ya, why don't you go play in your room, huh? Maybe you could draw a new picture of Appa, Eunha, and Eomma?"
"Okay! It'll be a surprise!" Eunha exclaimed as she happily skipped off to her room, leaving Jiwon to tend to her husband.
"Jagi, are you okay? What is it?" her voice grew tender and she moved to face him now. She brought her hand up to cup his cheek, coaxing his faraway eyes on her own. "Jagi-ya?"
"Jiwon-ah, I...," Hyunsoo began hoarsely and he cleared his throat, rapidly blinking his eyes. "I just... had a memory, I think. We were taking those pictures, and it was... I was... so happy that day."
Jiwon smiled at him, her eyes tenderly gazing at him as she ran a thumb over his cheek.
"It was a beautiful day. We all had so much fun together. Eunha was so happy. You played with her all day and took selfies for just the two of you. You went out of your way to make us all happy that day. You prepared a special picnic and made sure the setting for family photos was perfect while making it fun for Eunha. Jagi, this is a wonderful memory for you to regain. It makes me really happy that you remember this."
Hyunsoo brought a hand up to cover her own on his face and carefully pulled it down so he could hold her hands in both of his. His thumb traced over the warm metal of her ring. "Is this... is it really all going to be okay? Can you handle this with me?"
Jiwon just chuckled and squeezed both of his hands with her own. "Of course it's going to be okay. I can handle this because you and I are in it together. I'll be there for you. I'll help guide you. I'll help show you anything you need me to show you. We've been through a lot together. You might not remember it all, but I do, and because I do, I know that we're strong, and we will get through this too. I'll be by your side and we will figure it all out. It won't be easy, but we will. Jagi-ya, as long as we're together, we'll get past anything."
Hyunsoo smiled and brought Jiwon's hand up to his lips, placing a soft kiss against her delicate fingers. "When I hear you say that, it makes me feel a lot better."
"Good," Jiwon replied with a firm nod of her head. "Now, how about we start dinner. If I know our daughter, she'll be telling us within the hour that she's ready to eat. We can even cook together!"
"Ya, I still know how to cook, you know," Hyunsoo joked, raising a brow at his wife, and Jiwon laughed as the two of them gathered in the kitchen to begin dinner. "So, whatever you want, I'll make it."
Later that evening, after Eunha had been put to bed and both Hyunsoo and Jiwon had taken their showers, Jiwon had shown Hyunsoo where their bedroom was and where they slept. He ran his eyes over the turquoise-colored bed clothing, the large, soft pillows to accompany them and he felt a sense of familiarity. It was the same feeling he got while in the house, that he'd been there before but wasn't entirely sure where everything was, and even now he could feel his heart starting to pound. He felt nervous again, if not slightly worried.
"Is it...," he began huffing a sigh. "Is it really okay for me to sleep here next to you, Jiwon-ie?"
Jiwon laughed lightly and closed her hand around his arm. "You know, you remind me of the first time that we actually slept in the same bed together." She fluttered long lashes up at him. "You were so nervous back then too."
"Was I...?" he replied, his cheeks flushing pink and Jiwon rubbed his arm. "Tell me."
"Yes. Well, at first you insisted on laying a mattress on the floor while I took the bed, but I told you I was cold and lonely, so you got into bed with me and you lay there stiff as a board when I laid on your chest!" she giggled behind her hand. "You looked then just like you do right now. Like a deer caught in the headlights. Maybe you haven't changed as much as we think you have, hm?" Hyunsoo couldn't help but smile at his wife's words. "Come on now, let's lie down. It's been a big day for both of us. You need to rest."
Hyunsoo nodded and the two lay down in bed together. Jiwon rolled over onto her side facing Hyunsoo. She reached out to softly stroke his face. "Still as handsome as you've always been. I...I hope this is still okay?”
He flushed at her words and nodded his head, enjoying the feel of her hand against his face. He found he couldn't take his eyes off of her. "I have to tell you," she began her voice losing it's cheerful tone. "I was so afraid that I might never get to lay next to you again. I was so worried that letting you go would mean never getting to have a chance to try again. And here we are. Trying again. Trying to help you remember the man you became over the years.”
He felt his heart sink in his chest at her words. He'd caused her to hurt like that, and it made him feel terrible.
"I'm really sorry, Jiwon-ah," Hyunsoo rolled onto his back and turned his head away to stare at the wall.
"I-," he was interrupted as the warmth of Jiwon's body pressed up against his and he found her head laying on his chest, her head nestled underneath his chin.
It was as if his body reacted naturally to this because without even thinking, he found his arms going around her and his chin resting against the silk of her hair. His hand automatically came up and his fingers began to twine through her reddish locks.
"Your heart is pounding so hard," Jiwon stated, her tone hushed. "There's no need for you to feel nervous right now. Neither of us need to feel nervous. You may not remember, but we shared many special moments in this bed."
At her words, Hyunsoo couldn't help but laugh, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. "Special, huh? Can you describe to me just how special? In detail? I urgently need to know." His were words sly and alluring.
Jiwon playfully slapped his arm. "Oh, you! I didn't mean just that, but many other things too! Long, late-night talks, things like that! Maybe you really haven't changed at all!" Her laughter rang out and Hyunsoo could feel his heart swoop into his stomach, giving his body a strange sensation as they laughed in unison together. This felt really good, and it made him so unbelievably happy.
"Hmmm," the deep baritone of his voice rolled in his throat. "Maybe we should make a new memory," Hyunsoo replied, allowing his voice to take on a lower, deeper, and more seductive tone.
Jiwon made to lean up and look at him, but Hyunsoo gently took her arms and pulled her up into his own.
"Jiwon-ah," his voice came out slightly strained.
He pulled her body flush against his own and lifted his hand to hold her face and draw her in for a tender kiss. He felt Jiwon's sweet breath on his lips as she opened her mouth against his own. Her hands were unbuttoning his nightshirt and slipping it off his shoulders. His hands eagerly slipped hers off as Jiwon ran her hands over the contours of shoulders, softly tracing her nails up his spine and Hyunsoo shivered at her touch. He pulled Jiwon around and lay her gently down against the plush of their pillows, her hair fanning out around her in waves. Her hands running up his lower back made him arch his back in pleasure. She looked like something that should be handled carefully, as though she were made of porcelain. Under the dim light of their bedroom, the way the shadows were cast over her body made her look as if she were glowing. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.
Fragments of them speaking softly, sounds of her voice, of her breathing, of her noises, and of his own echoed through his mind as a new feeling began to bloom inside of him, filling him up from the inside out. Memories of their intimacy, pieces here and there flashed through his mind as he continued to kiss his wife, and position himself over top of her to blanket her. He dipped down to kiss the most sensitive spot on her neck, and he found himself brimming to the surface with not only lust but the desire to please her, to make her feel good. She showed no reluctance for him to stop, and there was no stopping him.
The noise that Jiwon keened out made him feel strangely warm because he knew he was making her feel the way she wanted to feel, and tonight, that was all either of them needed. So, they spent their first night together in 4 long months, taking in every aspect of one another, drinking each other in, satisfying every sense of longing. Hyunsoo took in every moment to feel, trace and remember every sound she made, every curve, every contour of Jiwon's body, every spot she loved to be kissed or touched, leaving her breathless and sealed it within his memory. Though his body seemed to remember exactly what his wife loved from him, he couldn't help himself. They allowed themselves to spend the long night enveloping each other in longing, wordless passion.
The weeks flew by as they continued to work at being a family again, and Hyunsoo found that it wasn't as difficult at times as he feared it would be. Though naturally they weren’t without their struggles. Waking up every morning and taking Eunha to preschool while Jiwon went off to work was like second nature to him, and then he was back downstairs working hard in his shop again. Jiwon had helped him re-set everything back up once he'd moved back home, and he couldn't believe all the beautiful things he'd actually made in there. He found notebooks of drawings and ideas he'd sketched out at some point and found that his customer base was larger than ever.
Especially now that people knew the famous Do Hyunsoo, married to Detective Cha Jiwon, the couple who caught Do Minseok's accomplice, was running the shop. He remembered exploring his basement and found Eunha's old baby toys there, triggering small memories of him raising his daughter while he insisted Jiwon sleep or while she was at work. Those memories of nurture and love for his little girl always made his heart flutter and swell. He realized he'd been very much of a house husband, and Jiwon had been the breadwinner. Somehow, this didn't bother him a bit. He loved it, and he was falling back into it as naturally as he always had.
He would spend evenings on the couch with Jiwon while she fingered through reports for work with sketchbook in his lap as he drew down fresh ideas for jewelry or household decor. Eunha would either be sprawled on the living room floor with her workbooks for school or sketchbooks and crayons. When it would get late, he'd find himself getting up to scoop Eunha up in his arms to carry her to bed. Sometimes she'd be asleep and he would lay her gently down in bed, tucking her in and kissing her forehead. Sometimes she'd be awake, and she would ask him to sing her a lullaby or tell her a story till she fell asleep.
At times he'd lay in Jiwon's lap while doodling out new ideas, and he would catch his wife peeking at him as he lay in her lap drawing. Jiwon often wondered with fascination how he could come up with such intricately made pieces. Once, he had been drawing a necklace and bracelet to match it. When Jiwon asked him about it, he had shyly admitted to Jiwon that he was going to make something special for Eunha. He wanted to surprise her and make her happy. Jiwon had just smiled her approval and confirmed that new jewelry as a gift for their Eunha would make her beyond thrilled. Especially over the fact that her Appa made it for her had brought a wide smile to Hyunsoo's face.
Sometimes, they would say or do things that would trigger fragments of memories. He would hear their voices in his head but not see what he was hearing. Others, he would see a full memory and Jiwon would talk with him about it. It always made him feel better when they discussed what he'd remembered, and it made him easy to move on from it in hopes that others might eventually come to him. It was helping daily life, and it was helping him discover the kind of man he'd been before. He found that in certain aspects, he really wasn't so different from the man Jiwon had married, which was a pleasant surprise. The only difference was now, he was free. There was no hiding behind the false identity of Baek Heeseong.
Other times, memories would hit him out of nowhere, nothing, in particular, happening to trigger them. Some of them would be nothing too extreme, sometimes they would be the truly beautiful things that he'd curse himself for forgetting and would find himself sinking into that memory as if desperate to hold onto it so he never forgot again, and sometimes they would be painful things that he wished he wouldn't have to remember. However, even then, Hyunsoo realized that the heartbreaking memories were necessary, such as when Jiwon's father had passed away unexpectedly not long after they had got together.
Hyunsoo remembered how desperate he had felt to make her feel better because it had been a truly hard loss for her. Jiwon had been very much a daddy's girl, just like Eunha was to him. Her father had been her most favorite person in the world, and just like that, he was gone. He could remember how angry she'd been at first. How seemingly lost she'd become. He remembered how much she'd cry or would just burst into tears for no reason, and he could remember that was the first time he felt his own chest ache for someone else, but he didn't understand that feeling so he brushed it off to focus on her.
All he could do during those times was hold her to help her feel better, even going out of his way to learn how to cook things and make her special meals of her favorite things to help her through her grieving process. He never questioned her the way others did and never pushed her to get better. He knew Jiwon had needed time of her own back then. Sometimes, he would remember things that would make him angry or confused, and sometimes things that even brought him to tears or confusion as to why something happened. Jiwon was always there to help talk him through it and help him understand, like when Park Kyungchoon tried to kill him. It was so confusing, but she always confirmed what those things had meant and helped him through the process of remembering those hard times.
One evening in particular, with nothing triggering memories, one had hit him like a ton of bricks and nearly sent him to his knees. They had just finished having a dinner up on the terrace, at Eunha's overly excited suggestion. Of course, Hyunsoo had instantly been eager to please his baby girl and they had a fun cookout that night.
Later, he and Jiwon stood at the sink together washing the remaining dishes while Eunha had toddled off into the living room to watch her favorite TV programs. Out of nowhere, Hyunsoo could hear their voices echoing and then could see the dark of the night as they stood on a bridge somewhere on the outskirts of Seoul. The pain in his chest was clear as day and his fingers gripped at the fabric of his shirt.
"Go! Leave! Go to a place where even I can't find you and never appear in front of me again."
Hyunsoo dropped the dish he was holding and it hit the floor, breaking into pieces. His eyes were wide, almost fearful and faraway at Jiwon's harsh words.
"Why are you still here? You're good at running away and hiding! Go! Just go! Leave!"
"Jagi-ya? What is it?" Jiwon asked anxiously as she grabbed ahold of one of Hyunsoo's shaking hands. "Tell me! What is it!?"
But her voice sounded far away as the echoes of his memories became louder.
"Why are you doing this to me? You can't live as Baek Heeseong anymore! You’ve been found out! Run away! I told you I’d help you run. What more do you want from me?"
Hyunsoo lifted a shaking hand to clutch at his head, his fingers gripping at his hair, and nearly lost his balance as Jiwon grabbed him before he could pitch forward.
"Jagi-ya! Hyunsoo-ssi!" She cried out, but he still didn't hear her.
Jiwon wrapped her arm around his waist while clutching at his arm with her other hand and lead him into their bedroom and helped him sit on the bed. His violently trembling legs underneath him gave as he landed on the softness of their mattress. He could feel the warmth of Jiwon's fingers holding onto his own shaking hands as she sat next to him, facing him. Her face was full of worry. He could hear his own voice, his own tear-stricken voice echoing in his mind. He could see it, very blurred, but he remembered. He remembered that feeling. The immense feeling of guilt. He'd learned what guilt was. He could feel the fear of losing his family, losing his life and just how important they were to him.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jiwon-ah. I was wrong. I've hurt... I've hurt you. I've only caused you pain."
"Jagi, look at me. Listen to me. Look at me. Breathe. You need to breathe," Jiwon's hands were now clutching Hyunsoo's face and urging him to look at her, and his distraught expression met her own. There was a horrible lump in his throat, and his eyes began to burn with traitorous tears while Jiwon brushed his hair back. "What is it? What's wrong? What do you remember?"
"I'm so sorry, Jiwon-ah...," Hyunsoo choked out, echoing his own words. "I remember. I remember how I hurt you. How much pain I caused you by hiding the truth. I remember how devastating it felt knowing I hurt you."
The tears escaped, he couldn't hold them back anymore, nor did he bother to try, and they left hot trails on his cheeks. "I was so scared when I found out you knew. I can feel that fear now. I can feel it like it was yesterday. I don't understand the truth of it, but I can feel it, and it hurts... I almost lost you," he whispered out. His breath hitched hard. "Jiwon-ah, I can't... I can't lose you. I don't think... I can't...," his throat closed off, and he lost the words he was trying to put together. Jiwon threw her arms around him, pulling him into her soothingly. "I don't want to ever hurt you like that again. I can't hurt you like that again. To know I caused you so much pain-"
Jiwon interrupted him, her tones dulcet. "Jagi-ya, it's okay. It's all okay. It's in the past. It doesn't matter anymore, yeah? We're starting fresh and building onto a new life for us. Those things aren't important anymore. They shouldn't hurt you."
He dropped his face into her shoulder and let himself cry, sinking into the consolatory warmth and strength of Jiwon's arms. His soft sobbing echoed off their bedroom walls while his wife's muted voice and words of solace mingled with his weeping. Jiwon just rocked him gently back and forth, one hand clutching the back of his head, the other patting his back considerately allaying. He wondered to himself how this woman could be so strong with everything he'd likely put her through and how she could still continue to love him as much as she does.
"Eomma?" Eunha's worried little voice resounded from their bedroom door. "Is Appa okay? Why is Appa crying?" and Hyunsoo felt his heart lurch at hearing his daughter's concern for him, his words still lost. All he could do was cry right now rather than reassure her he'd be okay, and he hid his face in Jiwon's soft locks of hair, wishing his daughter wouldn't see him this way.
Much to Hyunsoo's relief, his wife seemed to understand what was on his mind. "Eunha-ya, Appa will be okay. He's just having a really rough day. Why don't you go play for now? Eomma will come in to check on you later."
Eunha pouted before leaving the room and Hyunsoo heard Jiwon sigh in relief as she continued to pat and rub his back. "It's going to be okay. Everything will be okay. Just let it out until you feel better. I promised you I'd be here for you through all of this. The good and the bad. I'm not going anywhere now."
Hyunsoo keened and let out a mournful sob as his arms wrapped desperately around her waist, unsure of really as to why he was crying so much, and he found it frustrating. When had he learned how to cry, and why was it happening so often? Hyunsoo wasn't sure but was just grateful Jiwon was here with him right now. Because if he was alone and this had been happening, he wasn't sure he'd have been able to handle it on his own. He wept into his wife's shoulder until he couldn't cry anymore. Until all that was left was sniffling and dry hitching of his breath and the soft tapping of Jiwon's hand on his back.
