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The night was dark.
It was one of the darkest nights he’s ever seen.
His bike was going smoothly over the pavement, on one road that was apparently forgiven, because there was no one driving there apart from him.
He was tired. It was only Friday, but this week was already kicking his ass. Mori has been assigning him a lot of missions that required him to use physical force, and they were extended for hours.
He looked at the sky. There weren’t any stars. He couldn’t help but wonder what Dazai was doing.
It’s been two weeks since they’ve seen each other. They ‘’casually’’ (and it wasn’t a casualty, he’s sure that the bandaged bastard planned to see him and plotted something) saw each other at a bar.
It was a Friday, and the next day Chuuya didn’t have to work, so he wanted to go to a bar, have a couple of glasses of wine and if he felt like it, find someone to fuck.
But of fucking course, he ran into Dazai in his third glass of wine.
The fucker sat behind him when Chuuya was talking to a hot girl with brunette hair and dark eyes (and if she resembles physically to a certain bandaged someone, nobody didn’t need to know that.)
While Chuuya didn’t know what expression wore Dazai because he was at his back, he knew it had to be a scary or serious one, because the girl gave Chuuya a sorry expression and excused herself out of that situation.
Then, he heard Dazai’s voice dangerously close to his ear.
‘’Hi, Chuuya～’’ he said, and put his hand on Chuuya’s leg.
Chuuya slapped it away.
’ What the fuck are you doing here?’’ he hissed, finally turning around and looking at him.
Since he didn’t calculate the distance, he only was aware that he was too close when he looked at Dazai’s eyes and saw that new glow in there.
‘’I missed my chibi.’’ Dazai said, coming closer to Chuuya, and whispered in his ear ‘’Did you miss me too?’’
Of course not, Chuuya should’ve screamed.
But the air got knocked out of his lungs when he breathed in Dazai’s scent, a mixture of freshness, with his common scent of bandages and a kind of wood and forest smell. And lastly, he realized the whiskey scent too.
I missed you so fucking much. You always play with me. This isn’t fucking fair.
‘’Fuck you.’’ Chuuya hissed. He threw some money on the bar counter and stormed out.
He was approaching his bike when a hand on his waist stopped him.
‘’Chuuya, let’s talk, come on'’ Dazai said, with a cheerful smirk.
‘’I don’t want to hear anything more coming from you. I’ve had enough.’’
The truth was, Chuuya was hurt.
Because aside from the prison cell in the Port Mafia headquarters meeting they had, they hadn’t seen each other again. But apparently, Dazai knew how to find him and annoy Chuuya on the only moment that Chuuya needed for himself, and to forget about him. And this was also the second time they saw each other since Dazai escaped from the Mafia four years ago.
The other thing was that Dazai hasn’t explained why he did that. He left Chuuya alone, and the night he left, Chuuya drowned himself in two bottles of wine, some sleeping pills, and countless cigarettes only to fall asleep when the sun started to shine.
While he was drinking himself to sleep, he couldn’t stop thinking about how he could be left alone like this.
After everything they have been through together? After nearly seeing each other for three years, growing up together? After their first kiss? Their first time?
Chuuya turned to an intersection to the right. It was a path surrounded by tall pines, at the left and right of the road.
Maybe he should stop thinking about him, and just enjoy the night. But he was feeling so bitter. Actually, the night they encountered each other at the bar, ended pretty well for both, on one hand.
On the other…
After Chuuya told him to fuck off, Dazai didn’t stop wanting to talk to him.
‘’Please, will you let me explain myself?’’
Chuuya stopped abruptly but didn’t say anything. He turned to Dazai, which now wore a more serious expression.
‘’What do you need to explain to me?’’ Chuuya asked, crossing his arms and waiting.
He could feel the start of anxiety at the pit of his stomach, but he refused to let his emotions show. One, after all they’ve been through, it was impossible to hide anything from Dazai, and two, he already felt emotionally vulnerable when it comes to the brunette, so he wanted to feel a little stronger, although he knew the possibilities were little.
‘’I just…’’ Dazai paused and looked at the ground. ‘’I feel that I fucked up back then.’’ He said, looking at the red-haired man that he loved so much, still.
‘’No shit’’ said Chuuya ‘’What was that shit show at the bar? Do you stop being annoying at some point?’’
Dazai smiled. If Chuuya didn’t know better, he would say that he seemed peaceful. But after three years of dealing with him, he knew Dazai was nervous.
‘’Do you want to talk, Chuuya? ‘’ Dazai said, approaching him.
Chuuya didn’t move, he stayed at the same spot, looking at Dazai that was now a little nearer.
‘’...I don’t know. No.’’ He said.
Dazai looked a little disappointed but didn't say anything more. They stood there for a few minutes, Chuuya smoking and waiting for something to happen, anything.
‘’I just...I’m hurt, Dazai. And right now, I hate you. And I know you’re drunk on some shit because I know that if you were sober, you wouldn’t have wanted to talk.’’Chuuya said.
He wasn’t looking at Dazai, he occupied himself lighting another cigarette (the third in 5 minutes).
Technically speaking, they both were drunk, but seeing Dazai drunk was a sight that you see maybe once in years, meanwhile seeing Chuuya drunk was pretty common.
He felt Dazai’s hands on his hair, tucking a lock of red hair behind his ear, and Chuuya’s pulse went up. He was afraid of blushing, so he kept looking at the ground.
‘’Chuuya...I missed you so much, you can’t even imagine.’’ Dazai said. And then, he rested his head on Chuuya's shoulder, his lips dangerously close to the red head’s neck.
‘’I know that right now isn’t the best time to talk about what happened, that we both aren’t in the best conditions and the right mind, but I needed to tell you that I missed you…’’
Chuuya kissed him, violently, with a burning rage in his lungs, trying to feel better. He didn’t. But he kept kissing Dazai anyway.
The contradictory feelings he was having didn’t help him, so he pushed those aside and concentrated on kissing the brunette. It has been years since they kissed, and he realized that he was still in love with Dazai. This brought him more anger.
After all these years? After all the pain and all the hurt, the abandonment, the emptiness of kissing someone that didn’t felt right just trying to forget?
Chuuya circled Dazai’s waist with his legs, and Dazai kissed him the same as Chuuya.
Burning, burning, burning.
Maybe they weren’t going to talk, but to fuck…?
Dazai brought them both to Chuuya’s bike and rested him against it.
The night ended for both of us right because they fucked each other senseless until morning in Chuuya’s apartment.
The next morning, Chuuya woke up alone. His body hurt all over, and since he didn’t have to work, he just stayed in bed all day, crying himself to sleep short naps.
At midnight, when he kind of got his shit together, his phone rang.
Do you want to meet me next Friday to have dinner?
It was Dazai.
He didn’t answer until the next morning when he was feeling more alive and emotionally stable after two cups of coffee.
Yes
Chuuya slowed down when he entered Yokohama. He didn’t want to have a fine.
The night was still dark, but it wasn’t as dark as before, as some stars were in the sky.
Driving all night when he was feeling tired always helped him to clear his head.
It was three forty-two in the morning. Today he has dinner with Dazai, and they were still going to have it, but a little later. Fucking missions, they always have some kind of setback.
He drove to a little alley and parked near a restaurant.
It was a little soba restaurant that opened all night.
He spotted Dazai at the farthest part of the door. Dazai seemed like he was drinking coffee, and writing something in a little notebook.
‘’Hi, sorry for the wait’’ the cook approached their table before Chuuya and left two bowls of soba on the table.
It was Chuuya’s favorite.
Chuuya sat down, as Dazai looked at him.
‘’Sorry for coming late, a mission…’’
Dazai smiled.
‘’Don’t worry, Chibi.’’
Dazai’s expression was soft, with a little smile on his lips, his head resting on his hand. He had eyebags, but Chuuya didn’t want to think about what could be the cause.
‘’Thank you for coming, Chuuya. I mean it.’’ the brunette said.
Chuuya blushed a little.
‘’Let’s eat, okay? I haven’t had anything for eight hours.’’
They started to eat in silence. Dazai glanced at Chuuya a couple of times but didn’t say anything.
For dessert, they both ordered coffee, because although neither of them hadn’t said anything, they both knew they were going to have a long conversation.
When the waiter brought them the coffee, Dazai broke the silence.
‘’Chuuya’’ and only said that.
Chuuya looked at him, waiting for the brunette to say something more.
In Dazai’s eyes, he could see sadness.
‘’I’m sorry, Chuuya.’’
Again, silence.
Chuuya drank a little of his coffee.
Do they let people smoke in a bar nowadays?
Probably not.
‘’Odasaku died’’ Dazai inhaled, but his hands rested on top of each other, relaxed.
‘’It was a very difficult and complicated moment’’ Dazai sighed.
‘’I know’’ Chuuya said.
When he found out that Dazai had escaped, the news about Odasaku came after.
At first, as he was shocked about Dazai’s news, his brain didn’t connect the dots, but after, it all made sense.
‘’I’m sorry that this happened to you. Maybe now it’s too late for me to tell you, but I’m truly sorry.’’
Chuuya looked at Dazai, who had a warm smile on his face.
‘’I just, I’m hurt because you didn’t tell me anything back then. I thought you died.'' Chuuya paused, trying to organize his thoughts.
''But after some time, I felt angry, because you left me without saying anything and after all our...'''
Relationship.
Hell, Chuuya didn't know what they were. They fucked regularly, and while Chuuya didn't have sex with other people, he didn't know if Dazai did the same.
''...thing'' Chuuya ended up saying.
''I know. And I'm sorry. I'm trying to become better at talking about my feelings. If I'm being honest, Chuuya...I didn't say anything because if I had seen you before leaving, I think I would've ended up not leaving, or...'' Dazai paused and looked at him.
Chuuya was trying to absorb all the information. While he trusted Dazai, he still was hurt.
''...telling you to come with me.''
Chuuya looked at him like he was crazy.
''I would've told you no.''
''I don't know. I remember that I wanted to see your face because I knew it would be years before I saw it again.''
''You know that wasn't true. I bet that you had your ways to know what was happening in the Port Mafia.''
Dazai grinned at him but didn't deny anything.
Their conversation lasted hours.
When the sun started to rise, Chuuya told Dazai to climb on his bike.
They ended up on a mountain.
Chuuya lighted a cigarette.
''Just so we're clear here, Chibi, I'm still in love with you.''
Chuuya sighed.
''I'm still in love with you too.''
They stared in front of them, looking at the sea, and didn't say anything for a moment.
Should we start all over? Despite the pain, the tears, the emptiness?
They kept like this for a long time, they both thinking.
When Chuuya looked at Dazai, he was already looking at him.
''I would like to start over with you. And do the things the right way'' Dazai pauses ''If you want to, of course.''
Chuuya closed his eyes.
''I think I need more time'' Chuuya said, looking at Dazai's expression, which didn't change. He didn't look disappointed at Chuuya's response.
''Okay'' Dazai said, affectionate, and closed his eyes too.
And so they started with a new routine.
At least three times a week, if their schedule lets them, they met to have coffee together.
Every Friday, Dazai invited Chuuya over for dinner. (Dazai spent the weekend, after accompanying Chuuya home, looking for new recipes that Chuuya might like, especially the French ones, even if they take forever to make and make Dazai frustrated.)
They have spontaneous dates too.
Sometimes, Chuuya can't sleep and goes to Dazai's apartment with his bike.
Dazai, who also has trouble sleeping, has memorized the sound of Chuuya's bike, and always opened the door just before Chuuya knocked.
They ended up most of the time at Rimbaud's grave, passing a bottle of wine between each other saying nothing like they were fifteen and lost again (maybe they still were).
Sometimes, Chuuya cried.
This new level of intimacy between each other felt light and at the same time, it was a huge step for them.
While in the past they didn't have any communication at all, only angry sex, this opportunity to meet each other again seemed like was working.
Chuuya felt at ease. The hurt was slowly fading out, every time Dazai walked him home and kissed his cheek.
On Friday, Dazai didn't text him to tell him to come over for dinner.
Chuuya waited for his message, but it didn't come.
He called Kunikida.
''Oi, do you know where is Dazai?''
''He is at the hospital'' Kunikida's voice was tense, and despite saying every day that he hated his partner, his voice was also filled with worry.
''Send me the address'' and with that, Chuuya jumped on his bike, going in the direction.
When he arrived, he found Yosano at the hospital door.
''I was waiting for you. Kunikida didn't give you the room's number, didn't he?''
''Is it serious?''
''He got snipped. I would've healed him, but because of his ability, I couldn't.''
Yosano accompanied him to Dazai's room.
Outside, Kunikida was sitting on the floor, writing something in his notebook. He looked up when he heard the steps.
''He is inside, and stable now.''
''Is he awake?'' Chuuya asked.
''Not now, he is sedated.''
Chuuya waited in the corridor, with Kunikida explaining what happened.
And the story was about Dostoievsky.
Ah, smug fucker, he already knew he was going to be snipped, Chuuya thought.
Dazai woke up five hours later, and Chuuya was at his side.
''Hi'' Dazai said with a hoarse voice.
''Hello, mackerel.''
''Sorry about the dinner, I'll compensate it to you.''
''Don't be sorry, idiot. You got fucking shot'' Chuuya said, taking one of Dazai's hands in his.
They were warm, despite the room temperature being quite cold.
Chuuya stayed until Dazai recovered, and after going out of the hospital, Chuuya asked Dazai to stay at his apartment, so Chuuya could help him clean the wound.
‘’You could cook the Friday dinner in my kitchen, so I don’t have to move to your crappy apartment. It’s a win-win situation.’’
Dazai only whined.
So that, Dazai and Chuuya started living together.
Although the original plan wasn’t that, it started slowly.
Dazai leaving a couple of shirts in his closet, another toothbrush in the bathroom, his favorite sake on Chuuya’s cabinets…
The smell of Dazai’s shampoo was on his pillow, and also between his arms because when Dazai was sleeping he didn’t have any awareness of personal space. Chuuya didn’t mind sleeping with Dazai tucked on his neck all night, because he loved how soft and ticklish Dazai’s hair was.
Dazai still cooked for Chuuya every night, because as a detective, his schedule was pretty normal, but because he used to be a mafia executive too, he understood that sometimes, Chuuya wasn’t going to come home until late.
When he would arrive, he would collapse on top of Dazai on the sofa. Dazai would caress his hair, but then he would carry him to the table so he could have some dinner.
Chuuya would be exhausted (and Dazai lowkey too, because he grew used to sleep in Chuuya’s arms and couldn’t sleep until the redhead arrived home.) Maybe Chuuya was acting a little childish, but he loved how Dazai took care of him.
One day, while they were smoking at Chuuya’s balcony, Chuuya kissed him.
It went like this: Dazai was whining about something that had happened at his work, Chuuya acting annoyed because he had to listen to Dazai’s rant but lowkey, he was happy.
After everything they have been through together, it sounded almost surreal that now they were talking on Chuuya’s balcony so casually.
Chuuya, almost as an instinct, put his head on his shoulder.
Dazai went stiff for a moment, but then he relaxed and put his arm around Chuuya’s shoulders.
After that, it all went like it was a routine.
Chuuya looked at Dazai, who had a soft look on his face and a tiny smile. He was asking, staring at Chuuya’s lips.
And it was Chuuya who closed the space between them.
When they were a couple of centimeters apart, Chuuya looked at Dazai, his eyes, his face, and his lips. Dazai’s skin was warm, and he smelled like him and something citric.
Dazai cupped Chuuya’s face and Chuuya kissed him.
Neither of them was nervous because although they haven’t kissed in a very long time, kissing was like coming home after spending all night out and collapsing on the bed, on warm and soft bed sheets.
No, they weren’t nervous.
The chilly October wind was sending shivers all over Chuuya’s skin, (at least, that is the excuse he had) as they kissed, cigarettes were long forgotten on the ashtray.
Chuuya guided Dazai inside. Still kissing, stumbling into every piece of furniture that Chuuya owned.
They kissed, with hands wandering into each other’s body, trying to trace every curve, every patch of skin that was visible.
They ended up with Dazai on the kitchen counter, with his legs circling Chuuya’s hips.
Shirts on the floor, bandages too, and their pants were feeling tight.
Chuuya put his hands on Dazai’s hips, and kissed his neck, biting and licking his skin until purple and red started blossoming on his pale flesh.
The only sounds in the room were the wet sound of their tongue, gasps, and little moans that the brunette was making.
‘’What do you want me to do?’’ Chuuya asked at Dazai’s ear.
Dazai shivered. He wanted him.
The brunette swallowed his moan and said:
‘’Bedroom.’’
Chuuya didn’t need anything else. He grabbed Dazai by his legs and carried him to his bed, their lips never leaving each other.
***
Then, on the afterglow, when Dazai and Chuuya were wrapped up in each other, just listening to their breathing and leaving on each other’s skin lazy touches, Dazai said:
‘’I’m glad.’’
Chuuya already knew what was Dazai referring to.
‘’I’m glad, too.’’
For being my partner. For patience. For the love, For being there.
And they didn’t have to say anything, because they understood each other.
And for once, after everything they’ve been through, Chuuya was glad that everything happened with Dazai.