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Julie comes home from school and rushes back towards the studio. Flynn told her today that she secured another gig for the band, which is totally awesome. Since they'd been planning on practicing today anyway, Julie figured now was the perfect time to tell them.
As she approaches the white garage doors however, she stops. There’s music coming from inside, which isn’t unusual in itself. What’s weird is that she can only hear drumming, no bass or guitar. She peeks through the window and sure enough, Alex is sitting by himself at his drum set. If the situation were different, she might not have even thought twice. If Reggie was hanging out with Ray and Luke had gone to check on his parents, it’s perfectly plausible that Alex would be out here by himself.
But the situation is different. It’s louder than he usually plays for one thing. It also doesn’t sound like any of the songs they’ve been practicing. If Julie had to guess, she might say that it sounds like the warm-ups she hears the drumline play before a football game. The drumming also sounds super messy, like he doesn’t care whether or not he’s on beat, which is weird because Alex is the best drummer she knows. Taking a breath, she pushes the doors open and enters the studio.
The drumming immediately stops. Alex looks up at her in surprise, almost like he’s been caught (though doing what Julie doesn’t know). He poofs over to the couch and then looks back over to her, “Hey,” he says, slightly out of breath.
She replies, trying not to seem like she was just spying on him, “Hey!” She takes a seat nearby, “Sooo, what’s up?“
“Nothing, just waiting for practice.”
It’s clearly a lie but she can’t figure out what he’s covering up. She studies him for a moment, watching as he twirls a drumstick through his fingers. Every so often it slips and he has to pick it back up and start over. “What were you playing?”
He shrugs, “Nothing.” The drumstick falls and he lets out a long, frustrated sigh. When he picks it back up he doesn’t do anything with it, just stares at it like it disappointed him. After it’s seemingly received a long enough glare, he gets up and starts pacing, drumming the sticks against his thighs lightly.
Something is wrong, she just can’t tell what. Alex is always kinda nervous, asking a lot of questions or jumping the most whenever she walks in unexpectedly, startling the band. But that was just Alex. This was different. He seemed stressed and frustrated about something. “Are you okay?”
He glances over, making eye contact with her for the first time in the conversation. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Is something wrong?” she tries. Alex doesn’t say anything, just shakes his head. She gets more specific, hoping that if she guesses right he’ll open up more, “Are you and Willie good?”
He smiles for a second, “Yeah we’re fine.” Nevertheless, the pacing doesn’t stop.
Julie racks her brain for another potential problem. “Is it something with the band?” she asks. She can’t imagine what it could be but she couldn’t think of anything else.
“Nope.” He picks up speed, drumming the sticks against his legs more rapidly as he walks.
This sucks. Alex is clearly freaking out about something but he won’t tell her what. He’s her friend but she’s not what he needs right now. She wished she knew how to be whatever he needs but he has to give her something, anything. “You know you can tell me if somethings up, right?” She gets a nod. “So, then what’s up?”
He finally stops pacing and turns to look at her. “It’s nothing.”
She stands up throwing her arms in the air, “That’s clearly not true Alex. Something is bothering you!”
Alex shoves his hands in his pockets and stares up towards the ceiling. “It’s nothing Julie, I swear.”
He sounds annoyed and if Julie had to guess, it's almost like he’s more annoyed with himself then he is with her. The way he stressed ‘nothing’ was weird. Like the nothingness had been part of the problem, which didn’t make sense at all. Before he has the chance to say anything else Alex speaks up again.
“I’m going to head out. See you later.” With that, he poofs out.
Julie collapses on the couch, frustrated. She has no clue what to do next. Alex could be anywhere and she can’t just wander around looking for him. Feeling lost, she stares at the ceiling, hoping she’ll come up with some idea on how to find him.
Right at that moment, Luke and Reggie pop into the studio. “Hey Julie!” Reggie says as he flops into the chair beside her.
She gets up at walks right at Luke, “Where have you two been?” She’s scared and worried so it comes out far more angrier than she intends, something she regrets as Luke backs up from her, jumping up to sit on top of the piano, and the smile drops from Reggie’s face.
“We were just out!” Luke says. “We do have lives outside of the band.”
“I don't know if we can have ‘lives’ if we’re not living,” Reggie says, getting up from the chair to stand to the right of Luke. “But, yeah, we got bored and walked around the city.” Luke nods in agreement as Reggie scans the room. “Wait, up. Where’s Alex?”
She shrugs, “I could ask you guys the same thing.”
Luke jumps off the piano so that he’s standing in front of her. “You mean you don’t know where he is?”
“I don’t know,” Julie sighs. “He was being weird.” She waves her hands as she says it, hoping to convey her confusion.
“Weird how?” asks Reggie.
“Like pacing around and barely talking to me. He kept saying nothing was wrong but I didn’t believe him and eventually he just poofed out.”
Luke and Reggie share a look that lasts a good ten seconds. She’s known them long enough to know that they’re probably both know something but not long enough to know what. The frustration must show on her face because finally, Luke turns to her and says, “Don’t worry about it Julie, I got it.” A second later he’s gone, leaving her alone in the studio with Reggie.
“What was that about?”
Reggie shrugs, “Luke will find him. It’ll be fine.”
She shoots Reggie an incredulous look, “Well why didn’t you go with him? Wouldn’t it be easier to find him that way?”
He takes his spot back on the chair, “If Luke needs me he’ll come back.” She clearly doesn’t look satisfied because Reggie sighs before continuing, “Look, you know how Alex gets nervous sometimes?”
Julie sits down across from him, nodding. “Yeah? That’s kind of just how he is.”
“Well sometimes it can be a lot and he just freaks out a little bit. It’s nothing really. Luke will find him, he’ll calm down and they’ll both come back.”
She ponders that for a minute. The idea that Alex actually might have anxiety was completely new to her. Yeah, he was on edge sometimes but other than that he seemed confident most of the time. “So what? He’s out there having a panic attack or something and we’re just supposed to sit here?”
Reggie grimaces a little and tilts his head. “Sometimes having a lot of friends around can be good but if we all came down on him it might feel more confrontational rather than comforting.”
“I was just one person and he still didn’t talk to me.”
He joins her on the couch and throws his arm around her. “Don’t think like that. He’s known Luke longer so it’s easier, that’s all.”
Julie sighs, “Yeah I know. I just feel bad cause he’s upset right now.”
“That’s because you two are friends,” Reggie says, like it’s the obvious answer. Which Julie supposes it is.
---
Luke poofs in and out of a few places before ending up outside an old brick building. It’s clearly been empty for years, with a faded ‘For Lease’ sign in the front window but Luke still recognizes it. It was a music store, almost perfectly in between his and Alex’s house with an owner who was willing to let two middle schoolers wander around after school even though they usually didn’t have the money to buy anything.
He spots Alex sitting on the sidewalk with his back against the wall of the building. Luke sticks his hands in his pockets and strides towards him, trying to look as casual as possible. Like he just happened upon Alex, instead of spending the past 10 minutes searching for him. It’s all about balance. Do nothing and Alex might end up over thinking everything until he spirals or do too much and he feels guilty for being nervous in the first place. Neither are ideal.
When he gets close, he doesn’t say anything right away. Instead he just settles down on the pavement next to him with a sigh. He brings his knees up and rests his arms on them. Looking out to the street he says, “Interesting spot”. He tries to keep his tone neutral.
Alex is quiet for a second, following Luke’s gaze into the parking lot before shrugging, his jean jacket rubbing up on the bricks behind him. “First place I thought of.”
Luke doesn’t respond, just keeps his gaze forward, focusing on a bird walking across the parking lot. It’s quiet and he can hear Alex breathing next to him. It’s slow and heavy, like he’s putting all his focus into not hyperventilating right now. After a minute it becomes clear that Alex isn’t going to talk to him first. He glances over, “You good man?”
“Fine. Just needed to clear my head.” He picks up a pebble from the ground and fiddles with it.
It was a little concerning how quiet he was. Usually when he was anxious, Alex was all questions and hypotheticals. He pushes forward, hoping that if he keeps him talking he’ll eventually figure out what was bothering him. “Dude, come on. What’s eating you?”
He waits this time, letting the question hang in the air. The silence is uncomfortable, which is almost what he’s banking on. There’s only so much he can do without knowing what’s wrong and they both know that. Hopefully, the tension gets to Alex and he starts talking. It’s definitely a ‘you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs’ situation. Still, there’s a pang of guilt as he sees Alex curl his hand around the pebble, hands shaking slightly.
“It’s… I can’t-” Alex trails off shaking his head, stammering out a few incomplete sentences. He opens and closes his mouth a few times, trying to find the words. Luke moves his hand to rest comfortingly on Alex’s shoulder. Finally he settles in saying, “It’s nothing, which is the problem.”
Alex shrugs off Luke’s hand and stands up, throwing the pebble off into the parking lot, causing the bird to fly off. “Like, objectively, nothing is wrong? I mean, I’m dead, but that’s pretty much old news at this point, right? When I think about being dead, I don’t freak out so that can’t be it.”
Luke watches him from the ground as his talking picks up speed and the words almost run together. “Nothing is wrong, I’ve thought about it. There’s nothing that is stressing me out right now but I’m still stressed? Like I’ve got all this anxious energy and nothing to do with it which sucks. And it feels stupid to even mention because nothing is wrong but I can’t stop thinking about it. So I’m worried about everything but also nothing which doesn’t even make sense and-” his breath hitches for a moment and the rest of the sentence is lost. Alex runs his hand through his hair a few times before finally collapsing down next to Luke.
Luke watches Alex’s head hit the wall behind them and stares for a second. His breathing is all messed up, uneven and kinda heavy. Luke makes a conscious decision in his head, ‘Calm first, talk later’. They’re not going to get anywhere with Alex panicking.
“Hey, I’m gonna grab your hand. Is that okay?” Alex nods slightly and Luke doesn’t think he would have picked up on it if he wasn’t watching him so intently. “Cool,” he says, trying to keep his tone as light as possible. Like they’re at practice or hanging out. Anywhere but right here. He’s not sure if it worked. Luke is trying desperately to ignore his own worries right now. Alex hasn’t been this anxious in a while, at least, not that Luke has known of.
He takes the hand that’s closest to him and wraps his fingers around the palm, squeezing slightly before releasing. He waits a moment before doing it again. It’s something they started doing years ago. Alex says it’s ‘grounding’. Luke’s not a hundred percent sure what it means but he knows it works. Slowly, in sync with Luke, Alex takes a shaky breath.
It takes a bit. Every so often, Alex will get worked up again and they start over. Or he’ll finally calm down only to try and talk which inevitably gets him anxious again. Luke is patient, holding on to Alex the whole time. He says something every couple minutes, just to keep it from getting too silent. A ‘Breathe Alex’ or ‘It’s going to be alright.’ He keeps his voice low and quiet.
He’s not sure how long it’s been but Alex has seemed to mellow out. Before Luke has a chance to say anything Alex takes his hand away and slips it in his pocket. He quickly mumbles out a “Sorry.”
“You don’t have to be,” Luke says almost immediately.
A long sigh, “I know. It’s just frustrating. I kinda hoped being a ghost would get rid of this,” he gestures vaguely at his head. “But I’m still just as nervous as I was before.”
Luke has an urge to fix everything, to say or do one thing and have it all go away. It’s partly why he liked music. Once you find the right lyrics or notes, the song just worked. People don’t work that way. He settles on being comforting, “Well, we’ll keep working through it like we did before, right?”
That finally gets Alex to smile, if only slightly. Luke jumps up from the sidewalk and offers Alex his hand. He takes it and Luke pulls him up so they’re both standing in front of the abandoned store. “Well, are you ready to head on back? Julie and Reggie were both worried.”
The look on Alex’s face shows that he clearly does not want to go back and talk with a bunch of people. Regardless, he nods and they both disappear from the store front, popping back in front of the studio.
---
Alex walks through the studio door, steeling himself for the onslaught of questions he’s sure to get. Instead, he finds Reggie and Julie watching something on her phone. Reggie glances up, “We’re watching the trailers for the new Star Wars movies. Maybe we’ll watch a few tonight.”
“Didn’t we already watch the new ones?” Luke asks, going over to join them on the couch.
Julie shakes her head, “Those were the prequels. They’ve made eight new ones since you guys died, remember?”
“Oh right, my bad.” Luke nods his head at Alex, inviting him over. He shifts uncomfortably on his feet for a second. Before he has a chance to join them Reggie shouts out, “Is that Luke Skywalker? He got old!”
Alex rolls his eyes, coming over to watch the trailer with them. “Of course he got old Reg, it’s been twenty-five years.”
The tension in the studio eases up, even though Alex hadn’t even noticed it until it was gone. They’re finally back in their familiar rhythm. The trailer ends and Julie looks back at all of them. “So, are we gonna watch it or what?"
“Yup,” Luke says, popping the ‘p’. “I’ll meet you in the living room.” He smiles at Alex briefly and poofs out of the studio.
Reggie jumps off of the couch and rests a hand on Alex’s shoulder comfortingly for a second before exclaiming, “I’m going to make popcorn!”
“You can’t even eat-” Reggie disappears.. “Okay,” Alex mutters under his breath, rocking on his toes a little.
Julie turns off her phone and slips it into her pocket. “You’re good, right? Like actually?”
He smiles at her, hoping to alleviate her fears, “Yeah, I’m fine.”
She nods and neither of them move for a second. Then, suddenly she rushes towards her, wrapping her arms around him for a hug. He returns it gratefully.
The moment is broken by Tia Victoria’s voice coming from the house, yelling about how the microwave just turned on by itself. Alex laughs a little and pulls away. “Guess we gotta go stop Reggie from being Reggie, huh?”
Julie shrugs, “Eh, if I share a bowl of popcorn with her, she’ll be fine.” She sticks her thumbs in the pockets of her jeans and heads out the studio, nodding for him to come along. He follows, hoping that this new Star Wars will be worth it.