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‘This is fine.’
The words repeat in his mind like a broken record and for a moment these words are true. He’s breathing deeply loving how Lisa’s chaste soft kisses leave him breathless and Nine’s hands on his body make him shiver.
‘This is fine.’
He smiles as fingers run through his hair lovingly and kisses are peppered along the back of his neck. It tickles. Twelve lets out a tiny laugh at the sensation and feels Nine smirk against his neck. Lisa timidly crawls onto his lap and Twelve grins at her actions. She’s so warm and even normally cold Nine has finally heated up. The problem starts when someone’s hands slide to the button of his jeans.
‘This is fine’ suddenly turns into ‘I can do this’ as Twelve’s mind tries to not breakdown. He’s squirming slightly and he doesn’t even realize it. The kissing is amazing. He loves being held in Nine’s surprisingly strong arms and Lisa’s gentle embrace. He’s more than okay with being sandwiched between their warmth and love. It’s just once things turn to that route Twelve suddenly feels wrong.
‘I can do this.’
His jeans are slowly being slipped off and Twelve closes his eyes tightly. Maybe if he just doesn’t look it’ll feel better. Of course it doesn’t and Twelve can’t help the pathetic whimper that escapes his mouth once the jeans are finally off.
‘I can do this.’
Twelve realizes that just closing his eyes isn’t enough so he tries to separate himself from the situation. Just blank it out, let it happen, and everything should be fine. Fake it till you make it. That’s a saying right? Does that even apply here? He’s so caught up in his panic that Twelve doesn’t even realize that both Lisa and Nine have stopped their actions. They watch him closely worried about his sudden lack of reactions.
‘I can do this! I can do this! I can do this! I can do this!’
“Twelve! Breathe!” Nine orders as he gently shakes Twelve to get him to snap out of it. Twelve comes back to reality with a snap and gasps loudly feeling light headed and dizzy. He slumps forward on top of Nine and barely registers Lisa’s frantic call of his name. He’s gently lowered onto the bed much too tired to feel embarrassed about his panic attack.
“Sorry guys…” Twelve mumbles into a pillow feeling guilty “I completely ruined the mood.”
“If you apologize again I’m going to hit you.” Nine grunts out a lie as he helps Twelve back into some shorts. Lisa gently grabs his hand and kisses it before she lies down next to Twelve. Nine does the same and pulls a blanket over all three of them.
“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.” Lisa whispers to Twelve reassuring him that it’s okay to not want sex. They both knew that he didn’t like it so they never pushed the subject since sex wasn’t that important to them either. Twelve seemed to be convinced though that this was something he had to do so once in a while he’d offer to try it out. Lisa and Nine would agree because he’d literally never shut up unless they at least humored him.
“Sex is boring anyway.” Nine mumbles to further confirm what Lisa says and drive any of Twelve’s doubts away. They’d tell him this a thousand times if they had to until Twelve realized that it is in fact okay.
“I like the make out sessions though.” Twelve quickly informs them afraid that they might stop that part for his sake.
“Of course you do.” Nine mutters as Lisa chuckles at Twelve’s eagerness about kissing. They all snuggle closer to one another content with just being close like this. Nights like these are the only nights when Twelve sleeps in the middle instead of Lisa. Their heartbeats are the only sounds to be heard and Twelve feels just as amazing if he did have sex. He feels comfortable, happy, and he feels loved.
Yeah it’s fine just like this.