Work Text:
Baz
“Why can’t you see that I wouldn’t be happy anywhere without you?!” I say, unintentionally raising my voice. Simon sits back, eyes wide. He doesn’t respond. “Simon…” My voice is barely above a whisper. I wait for his response. I wait for him to finally realize how much I care about him. I wait for him to get over his depressed bump and just let me in. I wait for something… anything that shows me that a part of him is still mine. Instead he drops his head, raking his hands through his curls, and shakes it slowly.
“Baz…” His voice is soft and cracked. He brings his head up to meet my eyes, then turns away, like he can’t bear to see the sight of me.
Tears dot my eyelashes, but I refuse to cry. I tilt my head back and stare up at the sun, hoping it will dry up my eyes. I’m going to get sunburnt, but I don’t care. I clench my fists in the sand and let it fall through my fingers.
“Baz, I… it’s… I…” Snow huffs and gives up. “It’s okay to cry.”
I sit up straight (hah, ironic) and a tear streams down my cheek. I wipe it away harshly with my sleeve. But when I look over at Simon, his head down and golden curls shining, something inside me snaps. “Yeah,” I say, “and you know what’s also okay? Realizing that just because you hate yourself doesn’t mean that everyone does. It’s okay to let others care about you. It’s okay to let others in.” My hair is falling in front of my face, which is wet with tears and sweat. I raise my voice. “Bunce and I aren’t still hanging out with you out of pity , we’re doing it because we love and care about you! Because you’re our friend! Because you’re my boyfriend ! Because I feel like I’m 14 years old again, waiting for you to have me- to hold me! Because of how long I agonizingly waited to feel your lips on mine, and because as soon as I got the chance, you started pulling away! We can’t fix something if we just keep breaking it more and more!
“And it’s not only your fault. Maybe if I had just… tried to make an effort. If I had just tried to hold on to you for a little longer…”
I’ve somehow ended up standing. Simon and I are both silently crying. He opens his mouth to speak, but closes it right back up. He hasn’t said anything this whole time- just sat there quietly listening. “Look,” I say, my voice still loud. I lower the volume. “Look,” I say softly. I can’t bring myself to look at Simon, so instead I stare out at the blue-green sea. I clear my throat. “If you want to break up with me…” I take a deep breath and close my eyes. “... then that’s your decision. But I don’t want to break up with you. Not now, not ever.”
I look over to him. His eyes are watery; mouth trembling. It breaks my heart to see him like this. Maybe my passionate rant finally worked, but it hurts so much. I want to sit next to Simon and wrap my arms around him. I want him to bury his face into my neck, like he used to. Before everything fell apart. Crowley, what I wouldn’t give to feel his warm breath on mine again. I just want to wipe away his tears (and my tears) and tell him that everything’s going to be okay. That we’re going to be okay.
“I just…” I whisper. “I just love you so goddamn much.”
Simon
I think- I think Baz just told me he loved me. I mean, we’ve shown our love for each other in other ways, but neither of us have had the courage to say it flat-out. I think we were just both too scared that the other wouldn’t say it back. But for some reason, when he says those three words, the words I’ve been waiting for him to say, the words he’s been waiting for me to say, my voice can’t seem to escape my lips. I feel like my throat is closing; swelling with emotions. I want to say it back. I want to tell him I love him so, so, so much, but my body won’t let me say it.
Baz keeps looking at me expectantly, like he’s waiting for me to say something. (Waiting for me to say it back.) I just keep opening and closing my mouth like an idiot. I mean that’s what I am, isn’t it? I’m an idiot. Probably the biggest one ever, especially compared to Penny and Baz. Baz always said I was thick. He was right, of course. He’s always right. The thing that I’ve been most right about was when I said that I wanted to be his terrible boyfriend. That certainly held true. I look back up at Baz, who looks dashing as ever (even with tears streaming down his cheeks). I don’t deserve him. I’ve never deserved him. He’s handsome, smart, bold, compassionate (when he wants to be), incredible at magic -- he’s everything that I’m not. But… he loves me. And I love him. So why can’t I just tell him?
“Simon?”
“Baz…”
We lock eyes. All I see is two heartbroken boys trying to mend the crack in their love that is just growing and growing; shattering all that’s left between them. My throat is dry. My face is wet. The cuffs of my jeans are sandy. I hear Baz breathe shakily. I hear the ruffling of his fancy clothes. I look up. His face is contorted in pain and anger. He pulls off his shirt.
“What are you doing?” I ask, voice weak and shaky.
He doesn’t even look at me, but I can feel the anger in his voice. “I’m going swimming.”
“Oh.” I bury my face in my elbows again. I hear him slide off his trousers (which normally I would watch with lust) but I don’t move. I can’t move; not with the weight of life holding me down.
Baz
Why did I think he would say it back? Why did I open myself up like that? All for nothing! I couldn’t just stand there next to him. Next to Snow. Simon. An anger that I haven’t felt in ages came back up again, muddled with sadness and heartbreak. Old me would’ve taken my anger out on Snow, but I don’t. Instead, I strip off my shirt and jeans and step into the ocean. It’s cold, but not unbearable. A slimy strand of seaweed brushes my ankle, and I jump. I hear the slightest chuckle coming from Simon (Vampire hearing), and it warms my heart to hear him laugh again. Even if it’s me he’s laughing at. I wade deeper into the water. It’s crystal clear, and I can see out to the sailboats in the distance. The sun is burning bright, but the coolness tampers it down. When I’m out far enough, I take a deep breath and dive under the water. My head clears. My hair is going to look bloody awful after this, but I don’t really care. (Wow, did I really just say that? What a weird kind of break-up effect.) My tears fade into the salt water as my anger starts to wash away. I surface and brush my hair out of my eyes. Bunce says I should cut it, but I rather like it long. Simon Snow likes it long.
Simon. I look towards the beach again. He’s sitting with his legs curled up, head tucked between his arms. He looks like a lost boy. After I confessed my love for him, he just kept opening and closing his mouth. He wouldn’t say anything. He wouldn’t say the thing. I fix my gaze on him and meet his eyes. A million words and emotions cross between us. Apologies, hurt, heartbreak, fear, nostalgia… love…
I try to communicate some sort of message. What, I don’t know, but whatever got through to him, it worked, because he stands up. He pulls off his t-shirt, breaking eye contact with me. It feels weird to keep watching him, which is weird. So I float on my back, a soft breeze blowing over me and tickling my lips. After a few minutes, I hear splashes coming my way. Then Simon’s familiar profile slides into my peripheral vision. We lie on our backs for a while, staring up at the sun and not saying anything. Suddenly warm fingers thread through my own. I squeeze them - not too tight, but enough to let Snow know that I’m here with him.
“I love you, too.”
I look over at Simon, his eyes are half-closed and there’s a small smile on his face. He said it back. Relief washes over me like the waves. I squeeze his hand again, not knowing what to say. “We’re pretty terrible with words, yeah?”
Simon laughs again. “Yeah.” He turns his head to look at me. “I’m sorry. For… everything, really.”
“I’m sorry, too.” Tentatively, I bring our interlocked hands up to my lips and press a soft kiss to them. His skin is so warm- oh how I’ve missed his heat. He smiles. I smile.
Snow looks up at the sun. “You’re going to get sunburnt,” he tells me.
“I know,” I sigh. “But let’s just enjoy this moment.”
Simon
I don’t plan on ever leaving Baz’s side.