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Living at Harvard was easier and harder than Adam had expected; easier because he had feared he would never fit in, but he did and found a wonderful group of friends, harder because he hadn’t realized how much he would miss Ronan. He loved being here, he truly did, but every day, he found himself thinking of Ronan and it hurt.
But, he busied himself with studies and homework, ignoring the aching hole in his chest that always seemed to long for Ronan, and held on to every text and call that they exchanged like a lifeline.
‘Is there any version of you that could come with me to Cambridge?’ Adam had asked him the day he left.
It was pure desperation that had made the words leave his mouth; Ronan never asked him to stay, and Adam would never ask him to leave for him, but that day as everything in him had ached at the thought of leaving, he couldn’t stop himself from asking that.
He hadn’t let himself think about that though, even daydreaming about it hurt too much.
But now, as they stood in Adam’s dorm, woven together, Ronan pressed his lips to Adam’s ear and said, “I’m looking at apartments. Tomorrow.”
Adam’s breath caught in his throat and he screwed his eyes shut at the rush of emotions that words brought. At first he thought he might have heard Ronan wrong, because it…it was everything Adam wanted, it was too good to be true.
“Don’t just say that,” Adam said. “Don’t just throw it out. I can’t …”
“I’m not just saying it. Declan’s here. Matthew. They drove me up. I had to be in the Volvo for, like, eight hours. We have—I’ve got—appointments and shit. Tours. To see them. To pick one. You can come with, if you aren’t doing your Harvard parade. It’s all set up.”
Adam’s mind was a whirlwind of questions. He pulled away and asked, “How would that work?”
“I can control it.”
“Can you?”
“I stay at Declan’s all the time.”
“The… nightwash. What about that?” He still remembered it like it happened yesterday; watching it horror as the dark stuff poured out of Ronan’s nose and eyes. The fear morphing into anger as Ronan argued and told him to leave instead of trying to figure out why it was happening.
“I’ll go out of town every weekend to dream. I’ll find some-place safe.”
“What about …” He drifted off, frowning deeper. He didn’t know how to say this, how to tell Ronan to not just say things like this that made Adam want to hope so badly when he couldn’t let himself, because what if this wouldn’t work. Adam lived a life of not getting things he wanted or getting them only to lose them soon, he didn’t want this to be another thing he thought he had but then lost. He didn’t know what he would do if he let himself hope for this and then it wouldn’t work. He couldn’t bear that pain. It would kill him.
“What’s the face for?” Ronan asked.
“I want it too much,” Adam said honestly.
Ronan’s face softened. “It’ll work,” he said. “It’ll work.”
--
Adam woke up feeling warmer and more content than he had in weeks and he soon remembered the reason as he felt the arms around him tighten and lips press light kisses to the back of his neck.
“Morning,” he mumbled, turning around to kiss Ronan. They blindly reached for each other, kisses missing their mark and falling on corners of lips and cheeks until Adam finally cupped Ronan’s jaw and captured his lips in a deep kiss. He had missed this so much.
“Good morning,” Ronan grumbled against his lips, his eyes still closed. Adam took that moment to take in all the details, all the little things that might have changed since he last saw him.
Ronan blinked open his eyes. “Why are you staring at me like that?”
Adam didn't know what his face was showing right now but he could guess. “I missed you,” he said.
“I missed you too,” Ronan said, pressing their forehead together. “But not anymore now.”
The reminder made Adam’s heart jump; Ronan was going to move in, they would be together again, he wouldn’t have to say goodbye again, he wouldn’t have to just get through with calls and texts, he wouldn’t have to scroll through pictures endlessly to cling to the memories of Ronan’s warmth, he wouldn’t have to lay in bed alone missing Ronan with an unbearable pain and blinking back tears.
He kissed Ronan again but they were both smiling too wide to kiss properly. “Fuck, I’m so excited,” he said with a breathless laugh.
“Me too,” Ronan said.
Adam shifted to bury his head in Ronan’s chest, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend.
“You know we have to get up to see the apartments, right?” Ronan said, voice muffled against his hair.
“There’s time,” Adam mumbled, wanting to savour this moment forever.
“And I’m also hungry.”
Adam grumbled, tightening his arms around Ronan.
“Ah, I had missed how clingy you got when you slept in,” Ronan said with a laugh.
“I’m not clingy,” Adam said. He remembered rare mornings at The Barns when he didn’t have work, but Ronan would wake up early to feed the animals, Adam would always succeed in keeping him in bed for more time, and okay maybe he was a little clingy.
“Sure,” Ronan snorted, placing a kiss to the top of Adam’s head, then his forehead, then shifted back to kiss the top of his nose, making Adam scrunch up his face, before he finally kissed his lips.
He pulled away too soon though and sat up, grinning widely. “Now, let’s get up.”
“I hate you,” Adam huffed, swatting his arm.
“No, you don’t,” Ronan replied smugly. “You look cute pouting by the way.”
“I’m not pouting,” Adam said, contracting himself by puffing out his cheeks more.
“Whatever you say,” Ronan told him, leaning down to kiss the pout off his lips.
--
They met Declan and Matthew outside the campus. Matthew hugged him and talked excitedly about what he had been up to lately as they went to see the apartments, while Declan asked him about classes and stuff.
As they walked behind Ronan and Matthew chatting animatedly, Declan turned to him and said, “I’m really happy for you two. You both deserve this.”
“Thanks,” Adam said, smiling.
Declan returned the smile with a hesitant but open smile that Adam had seen more and more in The Barns as the brothers reconciled slowly.
The apartments were all pretty close to the campus but the three brothers almost never agreed on the same thing– in one house, Ronan wouldn’t like something, in the other Declan wouldn’t think something was good enough, in one Matthew wouldn’t like the design– it was endearing though, seeing them bicker like that. They would ask for Adam’s opinions and to him, every house seemed great but he would just point out the analytical things or issues that Ronan and Matthew didn’t care about much, but Declan agreed with him on.
It went like this till they went to see the apartment that was closest to the campus, and which Ronan didn’t complain about at all. The apartment was on the sixth floor and provided a great view of the city. It had a spacious living room separated from the kitchen with an island, and two small bedrooms. The blue walls reminded Adam of the bright sky of the Barns and kissing Ronan under that, walking around with Opal and Chainsaw flying above them, talking with Declan on the porch as they watched Matthew and Ronan play in the grass. He immediately felt a sort of homey feeling to this cozy apartment.
“You could study here when you come,” Ronan said nodding towards the kitchen island. “The light here is good.”
Adam’s heart felt too big for his chest. Ronan had once said he knew when he was dreaming, and now Adam wondered if this was all just a really wonderful dream that would end suddenly, it did feel like one; like being with Ronan in The Barns had been; having a family with Opal, Declan and Matthew only for it to end.
Ronan looked up at him when he didn’t answer, his gaze intense, and Adam wondered if he was thinking along the same lines.
Declan– god bless him– probably noticed how close Adam was to tears as he casually said, “Come on, Matthew, let’s see the lawn.”
As they left the apartment, Ronan walked over to him and cupped his cheeks, his own eyes suspiciously bright. “Hey,” he said softly.
“I feel like this is a dream,” Adam admitted, voice trembling. “I can’t…I don’t want to wake up.”
Ronan wiped his cheek as the first tear escaped. “It’s not. Because you know what, I don’t think I could dream up something so perfect.”
“Fuck, you’re really going to be here now,” Adam said, gripping Ronan’s shirt tightly. “You are going to be here,” he repeated, not knowing if he was saying it again and again for himself or Ronan.
“Shit, yeah,” Ronan said, sniffling. “I can’t believe this. These months were…”
“A lot?” Adam finished.
“Yeah, a lot,” Ronan agreed. “Let’s never do that again.”
“Let’s not.”
Adam hugged him, burying his face in the crook of Ronan’s neck as they stood there, crying from the sheer happiness. There had been so many moments when they had been like this before; after everything with the demon, when nightmares plagued or when memories became too much, when Adam left for college, when Ronan left back for The Barns after visiting him.
But today the tears weren’t of sadness or pain. Today, Adam felt so filled with love and happiness he could burst. Today, Adam had his home in his arms and he was never letting go.
“I take it we have made our decision then?” Ronan whispered against his good ear, voice hoarse.
“Fuck yes.”
Adam remembered a story Ronan had told Opal and him once during the peaceful nights at the barns; he said he didn’t remember exactly what his father had told him, but it was about a boy who, upon his master’s wishes, had been cooking a salmon that would bestow happiness on the person who would eat it. But somehow– Ronan wasn’t a very good storyteller to be honest– he had eaten it and got the happiness for himself.
Now, standing here in the life he had made for himself from dirt and pain, with the boy he loved more than anything, with a promise of a future not guaranteed perfect– there would always be ups and down– but closest to it he ever expected to have, Adam felt like he had finally found true happiness.