Archive of Our Own

A knock on the door of Sam’s apartment interrupted Steve mid-sentence. “Did you guys invite another person to the party?” The veteran asked suspiciously. Since Steve and his girlfriend – ‘She is not my girlfriend’ – appeared at his door, Sam Wilson was a little more cautious, it’s not everyday Captain America asks for your help.

“No!” Steve answered without hesitation.

“Yes!” Natasha responded and received a furious look from Cap himself. “He’s safe.” She reassured him, while walking to the door.

When she opened it, Steve rolled his eyes. He could not believe that of all people, Natasha called Tony fucking Stark. “Miss Rushman, it’s nice to see you.” The man said and took off his sunglasses.

“Will you ever drop that?” She asked and sounded herself already annoyed by the presence of the billionaire.

“Not in this life.” He entered the apartment.

“Natasha, we don’t want people to know where we are, and you call Stark?” Steve asked bewildered.

Tony grinned. “Nice to see you too, Cap. How has Washington been so far, not so good right? You two should have stayed in New York.”

Cap got up and shook Tony’s hand. “You know what? I’m happy to see you alive.”

Tony nodded shortly. “Could say the same, JARVIS briefed me about everything that happened.”

“Tony, that’s Sam Wilson.” Tony nodded in his direction.

“Nice to meet you, I’m sure there’s no introduction needed.” Sam rolled his eyes.

“Don’t forget where you are right now.”

“So, what do we have?” Tony ignored him and turned back to Cap.

“Secretary Pierce, he killed Fury.”

“Actually, a guy named the Winter Soldier killed Fury, but it probably was Pierce to make the call.” Natasha corrected.

Steve sat down again. “Listen, Stark. I’m happy you wanna help but, you are too…”

“Perfect? Good-looking? Genius?”

“Too loud and conspicuous.” Steve said.

“Steve, Tony is very capable of just disappearing if he wants. He would be a good asset. Not as Iron Man, but as Tony.” The smaller man smiled into Natasha‘s direction.

“You flatter me, Romanoff. But yes, Cap. I can disappear, I did it just a couple of months ago.”

Steve interrupted him and let out a dry laugh. “Because everybody thought you were dead. Body in the ocean together with the ruin of your house.” He himself hadn’t asked Tony for help, but neither did Stark. He would have helped with the Mandarin.

“Listen, Cap. I will follow your commands and help if it’s necessary. Nobody will know I’m here, Iron Man is dead, I mean rhetorical. I learned how to help myself without the suit. I’m a genius, I can literally hack into anything and I do have JARVIS and if everything goes downhill, I still have suits. I blew them, though… I’m building some new ones right now…” Tony tried convincing his teammate of his worth.

Which, honestly, was super weird, if the man didn’t want his help, he shouldn’t be so desperate and just go back to New York. Back to his easy life he chose, right? But there laid the problem. He hated his ‘easy’ life.

“Some?” Sam asked confused.

Tony chewed his gum a while before answering. “After New York, I needed a hobby… Still need it.”

“PTSD.” The other man answered.

“Yeah, that’s another way in calling at.”

“You retired.” Steve claimed.

“Iron Man did.” Tony corrected his teammate. “Cap. I know we didn’t have a great start, but I wanna help. Fury was an asshole, but he was a good one. Plus, these guys do have access to my tech.”

“Yeah, I’ve met them. I thought you stopped doing weapons?”

Tony sighed. “I did, Cap. I wanted to help SHIELD, if I had any knowledge of this, I would not have done it, okay? Let me help, I won’t beg you.”

“Fine.” Cap capitulated. “So, what do we do? We need to take Sitwell that won’t be easy.” Now it was Sam grinning at the one half of the original Avengers.

“Tony, I need to talk to you, before we go…” Cap took Iron Man’s shoulder and held him up.

The billionaire rolled his eyes. “Come on, man. I will follow you. I’m serious.”

„Tony, listen to me. Please, just once.” The man nodded. „Zola. You know the name?”

“Yeah, he was one of the German scientists at the beginning of SHIELD. No wait, he was Swiss, I think. What about him?” For a moment Steve was confused, how Tony could know that the man was Swiss, when even he did not know that a day ago. Okay, he might have forgotten for a second, that he was talking to a genius. Tony had probably read it years ago in a paper and just didn’t forget it. Why the fuck was he even thinking about it? He should really get to his point.

“He made an AI, out of his brain. I’m not sure how, but anyways, he talked about things with Natasha and me… He showed something…”

“Spill it, Rogers.” Tony laughed, not yet taking the visible concern on Steve’s face serious.

“He showed the newspaper of your parents, the car crash… Tony, there’s something off…” Tony looked up to him and Steve never saw the eyes of the man as stone cold as now. His emotions had turned in the matter of seconds, he was just smiling, and then… He actually reminded him of the Winter Soldier, himself.

Steve didn’t know Tony for so long, but this… He knew he would soon meet another side of the man. “You believe they were killed?” He asked no emotions in his voice and if Steve would not be Captain America, he would actually be afraid now. There was something coming up on Tony he didn’t like seeing. This was no anger, no sadness. It was the face of a killer, as much as it hurt Steve to admit it. Tony was ready to kill.

For a moment Steve believed he was back in the ice. He was shocked about it. But, yes, he understood. If there was somebody around that killed his mom, the person would be dead in a matter of seconds. But one thing he knew for sure, Tony was not a person to commit a cold blood murder. He was not weak, but to good.

Captain America had realized it a little to late, but Tony did care, about everything and everybody. He took anything out on himself, to commit murder would only destroy his psyche. Still, he nodded to confirm the suspicion.

Tony swallowed and after a couple of seconds he was back to normal. “Thanks for telling me, maybe we will find some evidence.” Steve nodded again. He did not know what to say, Tony would not bring the murderer of his parents to a court, if he had enough proof, the killer was dead, probably without any evidence to prove Tony’s crime. The only thing Steve didn’t know, was if he would stop or support his friend.

Sam and Natasha were watching the two men from the car. “You know, if Steve would not come out of the forties, I would actually believe there was some sexual tension between them.”

“There is, they had that since the day they met.” Natasha answered the new member of the team. “And just because Steve is out of another century, that does not necessarily mean he is homophobic.”

“Anyways, Tony is in a relationship, right?” Natasha just shrugged. She was a spy and she knew more things than anybody else, she could read people pretty well, especially Tony and Steve, but she never understood the relationship between Pepper and him. They loved each other, dearly, but something seemed wrong with it, just as if it was not meant to be.

Natasha even believed Tony had greater chemistry with Rhodey. Hell, even any of the Avengers had greater chemistry with Tony and that included herself and Clint. At least, they didn’t try taking something away from the man.

When she had called Tony, he hesitated and told her, he would give up Iron Man for Pepper. But he was Iron Man, this suit changed his life, changed him for the better, why take it away from him? Although she understood the pain Pepper must have felt for the last years, believing multiple times Tony had died. Relationships were complicated, better stay single.

Steve rode shotgun while Tony took the seat behind him. The first minutes of the ride where silent, but Natasha kept on watching Tony in the rear mirror. “How’s Pepper, Tony?” She asked. They looked eyes in the mirror for only a second, and she knew.

“Great, fantastic.” He answered.

“And I thought, Steve was a bad liar.” She said, but with honest sadness in her voice. Even if she didn’t believe in their relationship, Tony was important to her as was Pepper. She didn’t like to see neither him nor her, hurt.

“What happened?” Cap asked.

“Well, I told her I would give up Iron Man and now I’m here.”

“As Tony.” Sam interfered.

“Yeah, but with you guys, it’s the same for her. We didn’t break up, it’s just a break, again…” He looked out of the window. “I believe at least.”

“Well, the question is what’s more important Pepper or Iron Man.” Steve said.

“If only it were that easy, Cap.” Natasha felt truly sorry. He tried but still the whole world always turned against him and not even the woman he loved could take him the way he is.

“Cap, wait.” Tony called him after they had gotten the information needed from Sitwell.

“What’s wrong?” Steve asked still full of adrenaline of the news the HYDRA guy gave them.

“You were right.” He frowned. What was Tony talking about.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m conspicuous. Maybe, I would be a better asset as backup, what do you think? They will know by now what’s going on, if they believe it’s only the three of you, I could probably help better.”

Steve smiled for half a moment, before his face showed honest concern. “That’s a good plan, but…” He took a deep breath. “Just don’t get yourself killed, alright? I’m not sure I could take it.”

Tony grinned up at him. “Take care, Cap. I’m not burying the national icon.” Tony reached out his hand to say goodbye, but it was not enough for Steve. He was not feeling so well about the situation. He grabbed the man’s hand and pulled him against his chest.

“You’re ready to make a bet, Wilson?” Natasha asked Sam from afar, while again watching the two men. She smiled, they wouldn’t be perfect for each other, but perfect didn’t exist. They would make it work, and make it perfect for just themselves. “A hundred bucks they hit off by the end of the week.”

Sam shook his head. “I’m sorry, Romanoff but I’m sure Steve does not swing this way. It’s friendship.”

She grinned now at him. “We will see.” He nodded as they confirmed their bet with a handshake. “Let’s go, Steve is coming back.“

Not even two hours later, they found themselves captured in a HYDRA convoy. Natasha was badly injured. Steve was totally lost by what he saw and Sam was angry and confused. Angry because Natasha needed help and confused by what Steve was saying. Plus, he was mad at Tony, the guy should know by now they were in trouble.

“Man, this is impossible. He died seventy years ago.” Sam tried convincing Steve.

“No. I remember him. It’s Bucky. He’s not dead.”

One of the HYDRA guys took his helm off. “Now, he is an assassin.” Maria Hill said, when she showed them her face. The three captured Avengers looked at the other HYDRA guy and wondered why he was not reacting. “Come on, Stark. No time for drama.” Maria said and slowly the man took his helmet off as well.

Steve had wanted to look into Tony’s face and see happiness. They were still alive which really was a wonder after this day, but Tony looked… Unhappy was an understatement. His face looked cracked. He was near to tears but at the same time, there was again this determination, to kill just anybody that deserved it after his opinion.

“It was your best buddy, then.” He said coldly.

“We don’t know that Tony, and he did not know his name… HYDRA did something to him… Something is wrong.” Tony swallowed and kept quiet until they were at the hiding place, where Fury awaited them. Tony disappeared and Steve hated the fact, that he could not run after him. Now, it was more important to get the information he needed to take HYDRA and with that, SHIELD down.

After their planning, which Tony had not joined, Steve found him on the bridge over the cave. Silently, he placed himself next to his friend and leaned over the parapet. He wouldn’t say a word, it was Tony’s choice if he wanted to talk or not.

It killed him not to ask, not to explain how he himself felt. How it was crazy to think that his best friend, his brother, was still alive, after believing he was dead. But Tony must feel miserable. He believed for over twenty years, that his parents died dramatically in a car crash and now… chances were high they were killed by the Winter Soldier, probably brutally and without mercy. Steve refused to call the assassin Bucky, because it was not him. The man he was, did not know who he was. Bucky would never kill innocent people and surely not Howard.

“I ditched into SHIELD’s files and systems. I mean JARVIS did, but yeah.” The billionaire started.

“You didn’t like what you saw, right?” Tony starred down at his hands and shook his head a couple of times.

“It was him. I saw footage. He smashed my father’s head. Sat him back on the car. He strangled my mom to death.” He sighed deeply. “There was a camera, he shot it after. I saw his face, clear as ice, Steve… I know Barnes face, it was him…”

Now for the first time in their conversation Tony looked up to his friend. He had tears in his eyes, but he was still withholding them. He didn’t want to cry, his parents where long gone and his father was… Their relationship was difficult, but neither his mother nor his father had deserved to die the way they did and Tony just could not erase the pictures out of his mind.

Steve was a little relieved. Tony still called him by his name, which was a good sign if you knew the man. But Steve also felt his pain, deep inside his eyes. And he knew, Tony would never forget, as if he had not already enough nightmares to live through.

“I can’t Steve. I’m sorry, but…” He took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a second. He really did not want to cry in front of Captain America. “We both know he will be there, today. Hill told me about your plan, but I can’t. I know you will spare him Steve. I understand. You will try to save him, but I can’t watch it, not yet. These pictures. One day, maybe. But you’re alone now. I’m sorry.” Tony turned around, wanted to go as far away as possible but Steve grabbed his shoulder.

He could not let him go, not like this. “Tony.” He said softly, trying to smile a little. “Thank you.” Stark raised an eyebrow, totally not understanding what Steve wanted from him. “You came without hesitation, even if you knew it would probably destroy your relationship. You tried to help, you did. You saved us with Hill, and she told me it was your plan. You decoded most of HYDRA’s data. Thanks to you we know at least some of the faces.” He paused a moment and squeezed his shoulder.

“But, I personally want to thank you for your understanding. At first, I was not sure if I should tell you, I thought maybe sparring you was better. But you’re a genius, you would find out eventually. I decided it was better you were told as fast as possible and from a teammate, a friend.” Tony nodded but Steve still did not let go.

“I will take down HYDRA. And if the person that decided over your parent’s death is still alive, I find him personally and he will find out what it means to mess with my friend’s parents. And you’re right, I will try to save Bucky, I can only try but Tony… I will never choose him over you, okay? You will always be my friend and if you need me and if it just talking. I will be there, only a call away. Nothing will change.”

Tony straightened up in front of him and Steve even got a little smile. “Thank you, Steve.” He looked down at the streets for a moment, he was thinking, Rogers recognized this face. “I was not totally honest with you guys.” Tony admitted and looked back up to Steve. “Pepper left me. I’m alone. She moved out. It’s final.”

Steve pulled the man again against his chest. “I’m so sorry Tony.” The smaller man started trembling in his arms and then Steve felt wetness against his shirt. Tony cried silently, without sobbing and without any change in his breath. Steve hated it. This showed him just how much Tony learnt to push his feelings beside and that his emotions had never been important enough to be acknowledged.

At the end of the bridge, Sam appeared. He nodded towards him, that meant they were ready to go. It the same moment Tony pulled away from him. “Sorry.” He said with a husky voice.

“I will call you when were done.” Steve promised.

“Don’t get yourself killed.”

“I won’t. Take care Tony.” The billionaire nodded and when he saw Sam he chose the other direction to leave them.

Tony was mad at himself. He knew he shouldn’t be here. This was a terrible idea. But, he couldn’t let them down. None of them but especially not Steve. He would do something stupid if he thought he could save his friend. So, Tony had to save Steve.

He hacked himself into the coms of the team and listened from a little distance. He still had no suit. Not in Washington or one that wouldn’t take to long to come to him. He destroyed all of them, the new ones where not really operable right now.

So, he sat there on this stupid terrace with his laptop. He was back into SHIELD’s system and tried to help Hill and Natasha to find their way through security. Plus, he tried stopping Rumlow who wanted to take control over his helicarriers. That was never going to happen. Man, he never liked that guy. It was not easy, but all he could do, while listening to Sam’s near death and Steve trying to convince his best friend that he was Bucky Barnes, a great guy, brainwashed for HYDRA’s sake.

And then Rogers felt. Tony froze and for a couple of seconds he just could not bring himself to move. Time seemed to have stopped around him. He could hear his heart splitter. The coms were silent. Was it over? Had the Winter Soldier just killed Captain America?

Tears sprung to his eyes. Tony had no control of his body. He already pictured himself in fetal position on the ground, bouncing back and worth. A panic attack took over. He trembled. His heart was racing. A dry sob came out of his mouth. It needed an explosion to take him out of his dazed state. He wasn’t sure how long he sat there. A couple of seconds, some minutes, more? He had to go.

He jumped up, put his laptop in his back pack and started running. “JARVIS scan every camera you can find, search for Steve.”

“On it, Boss. It may take a minute.”

“We don’t have a minute.” He screamed. It was not as terrible as it sounded. There were no civilians around, everybody fled while they could. Tony was the only one that stayed. So, nobody heard him losing his mind.

And nobody saw the gun he took out of his backpack. It would be terrible news to see Tony use a weapon. But he had no time to think about this nonsense. Who cared for their stocks when he may lose Cap today. Nothing would be of importance if he would lose him. “I found the Captain, Sir. Follow my instructions on your glasses.”

“Thanks mate.” Tony said a little more politely but he was still rather unconcerned about his behavior.

It took him about five minutes of running, racing actually, to find Steve. And the Winter Soldier. Tony stopped in his track. The man dragged Cap out of the water, he hadn’t seen him yet. He could just shoot him. He could kill the man that murdered his parents. It only took one shot through his head. He wouldn’t survive that, and Tony knew how to aim. He would not miss. He wouldn’t even hear the shot that kills him. It would be a painless death, more than he deserved.

But yet there he was, just standing there and watching. The Winter Soldier let go of Cap’s body and now lifted his face to look into his direction. Directly into Tony’s eyes and the man starred back, brown eyes of the murderer of his mother.

Bucky Barnes did not move. He would be able to flew, he could try at least. He may could take one bullet or two, then again, even he couldn’t dodge a bullet through his head. He stayed, he did not even move an inch. He recognized the man too. Nobody did not know Tony Stark, especially since he looked an awful lot like his father. His end was near then. The Winter Soldier felt relief, even if he couldn't explain it to himself. He would greet death with a smile. No more confusion. No more pain.

Tony heard a pained try to breathe from Steve. He lowered the gun. “Go.” He said and with one last glance at Steve, Bucky Barnes ran away and Tony didn’t take another look at him. With three steps he was by Steve’s side and he kneeled down next to him.

“Medics are on their way, Sir.”

“Thank you, Jarvis.” He said automatically. Steve’s heart was still beating, and he could make out his breath. He was only unconscious. He was alive and that was all that mattered. While JARVIS kept an eye on Steve’s vitals, Tony took his hand and starred down at the man’s face. He didn’t let go, until the medics arrived and sent him away.

Steve woke in the hospital. He was surprised to be alive but also surprised that he actually felt pain. His headache was killing him. He saw Sam sitting next to him. He smiled, but there was also a little sadness inside of him, Tony must know about his state, wouldn’t he be here?

“On your left.” He whispered before closing his eyes again. Tony would surely be there when he wakes up again.

Tony did not show up. Although Steve had hoped until the last hour of his two days stay in the hospital. There was nothing on the news about him, so there probably was no other crisis keeping Tony occupied. To be fair, he had told him he would call after everything was over, but being in the hospital must be a good excuse to not call, right?

So, maybe Tony just did not care anymore, or he decided that he couldn’t stay friends with Steve. Or he is sulking in his workshop. Anything was possible, still Steve was desperate to talk to the billionaire.

“You should call him, you know?” Natasha told him at Fury’s gravestone, when she gave him everything she knew about the Winter Soldier.

He shook his head. “I’m not so sure he wants to see me.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Man, I can’t believe I will lose my bet because I’m one of the good guys. You’re an idiot, Cap. Tony found you, and he fucking kneeled next to you and held your hand until the ambulance showed up. They nearly had to drag him away.”

“So, he saved me? What was he doing there?”

Natasha shook her head. “No, he wasn’t wet. He told me your friend saved you.”

Steve starred down into Natasha’s eyes. “Bucky?!” He asked loudly, not believing what his friend was saying.

“Yeah, I think so… He did not say a lot. Tony was not really in good shape… What actually happened to you? He just disappeared from the cave before the mission.”

Steve swallowed. “I can’t tell you now, later. It’s terrible and I was happy he wanted to leave, really. He told me, but since he found me…”

“He stayed near.” Sam confirmed Steve’s thoughts.

“Yeah, he stayed.” Steve whispered. “And he saw Bucky, and…” He calmed himself down with a couple of deep breaths. “Sam, we have to delay our mission. Take a short vacation, I will call you.” And then Cap turned around and literally ran away from his two teammates.

“I just lost the bet, right?” Sam asked miserably.

“Probably.” Natasha smiled. Good times were waiting for her friends.

It took Steve four hours to arrive back in New York at the Stark Tower. At first, he wanted to call, but then he decided he had to take things in his own hands. Calling would not tell him, what Tony felt, how he was doing. He could not see if Tony tried hiding something from him.

But the real reason, Steve only admitted to himself when he stood in front of the Tower. He desperately wanted to see Tony, to embrace him… He probably wanted to kiss him but even after the four-hour ride on the motorcycle, he could not yet bring himself to ditch deeper into those feelings. He had to shut them down, even if it was just for the time-being.

“Welcome home Captain Rogers.” JARVIS greeted him. “I’m delighted to see you alive and in good shape.”

“Thanks JARVIS. You must know where to find Tony, right?”

“I do. He is in his workshop. You know the direction, Captain.”

“I do.” And without any hesitation, Steve walked along the hallway to the elevator that would bring him to Tony.

“I must inform you about Mr. Stark’s being, Captain.” JARVIS told him in the elevator. The AI sounded concerned, which was not really surprising by itself but usually one had to ask him directly to get the right information about his creator.

“Do you think, I should come back later?”

“No! Please, Captain Rogers. I’m positive, your arriving will help Sir’s actual state.“

“Okay, give me a short version.” Steve said when the doors opened in front of him and he turned left to follow the hallway.

“Sir has neither slept, nor eaten since his return to New York. He’s not talkative. He cries. He blocked all calls and the workshop is in shutdown.” Steve stopped in front of the door.

“So, I can’t get to him?”

“Not exactly, Captain. He made it clear that only one person was allowed to call and enter. To quote it, Sir said: ‘Only Steve. If he calls take it, anything else, I don’t care.’ That’s all he said for days. You see, I’m more than relieved by your arriving.

“Open the door, then.”

The door slid open and Steve met total chaos. More than usually. Nothing seemed in order, it was even difficult to walk without stepping onto something. It smelled too, after… Well Steve had no idea, probably sweating, maybe some old coffee, motor oil. The combination was terrible and Steve hated his ‘super-smell’ very much in that moment. It was more terrible than Hulk’s breath or Hawkeye’s socks. It was atrocious to describe it short.

Tony did not sit on the couch, not at his table but in the middle of this mess, surrounded by papers, holograms and tools. DUM-E was bumping the man without any reaction. If Tony wouldn’t sit up, Steve could actually believe he was dead.

Tony’s eyes were still flickering. His beard was a disaster, as where his hair. He was shaking, sitting in fetal position, knees to his chest and the head on them. He hugged his legs. Steve had actually never seen any person in this state, and he had been in the war. It was disgusting and heartbreaking at the same time. He couldn’t believe that was actually Tony Stark.

He walked up to him and crouched down in front of the man. “Hi, Tony. You’re there?” The man looked up. His eyes small, red and swollen. If Steve wouldn’t remember Tony’s eye color, he wouldn’t make it out right now.

“Are you a hallucination?”

Steve sighed. “You know how crazy it is, that you believe I’m just a hallucination before you think it is actually me?” Tony blinked a few times.

“I don’t understand your question.” Steve stared at the man.

“You’re wasted Tony. Your brain doesn’t even want to work anymore, that’s crazy since you’re the most intelligent person I know. Why did you do that to you?”

“Mph, couldn’t sleep.” He slurred.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t sleep either with all that caffeine.”

Tony cracked a smile. “Why did you come?”

“To your rescue.” Steve said.

“Liar.”

“To thank you, of course. Seriously Tony, I planned a whole monologue on my way back.”

“Ouch, I’m happy you can’t take your angry monologue out on me right now.”

Steve shook his head. “You really never listen to me. It was not that kind of monologue. As I said, I wanted to thank you… Anyways, first you have to get back on track.”

“Nooooo, I wanna hear it, pleeeasssse, Steve!” Steve changed his face into his best version of ‘Angry Captain America’ and he mixed it with a little ‘Are you actually serious?’ with a little pinch of guilt-tripping. The perfect Cap face.

“Right now, Tony. I want to spank you, so get up.” Tony’s eyes, that just had to hurt like hell, grow wide.

“You want me to get up for spanking?! Like right now?!” Steve shook his head and grabbed Tony by his armpits. He must force him then.

“You take a shower, eat, sleep and then we talk about punishment.”

“Didn’t know, you were so dominant. I kinda like it, makes you even hotter.” Steve decided to not listen to the brambling Tony gave away. And he surely did not listen, when Tony started talking about taking a shower together and him feeling something coming to life in his pants.

“Are you still capable of showering yourself?” Steve asked when he put Tony in his bathroom.

“You totally ignored me all the way up here.”

“I tried. You’re a big boy. Take a long shower, don’t save the shampoo, use the whole bottle and brush your teeth, for like five minutes at least, use mouthwash too, please. I will call for take-out since I’m sure you’re out of anything eatable.” He closed the door before Tony could say another word.

“JARVIS, what do you think that stubborn bastard likes to eat?” Cap might be a little angry, but he was not at Tony or god forbid at JARVIS. He was angry at himself. He let Tony go, alone after he found out of his parents dramatic ending. He had a mission, but he should have called as soon as possible.

He should have put Rhodey or Pepper on Tony, to check on him. He was at fault. Tony was in that state because of him. Because he was a piece of shit at being a friend. He failed Bucky and now he was nearly doing the same to Tony. He probably couldn’t save Bucky when he felt but he could have known what would happen to Tony. He was as self-destructive as anyone could be.

“Sir likes New Yorker pizza. But I think it would be more beneficial to order fruits, vegetables… I’m sure he would be pleased by a smoothie.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Order anything you believe will be necessary and make it fast… please.”

“As you wish, Captain.”

Steve waited in Tony’s bedroom. The shower was running, and he had picked the thickest hoodie he could find in Tony’s wardroom. Plus, sweatpants, winter socks and a pair of boxer shorts. The man had spent days in the cold workshop with a shirt on, Steve found him shaking. He needed to warm him up again.

Tony took exactly the 30 minutes it needed for the delivery boy to arrive. While the guy was in the elevator, Steve threw the clothing into the bathroom without looking. He went to the elevator and paid the delivery man.

“IT’S AUGUST!”, Tony screamed from the bathroom, when the man had just disappeared again.

“Put it on, or I will force you.” Steve called back.

“Yeah, then make me!”

Steve was absolutely done with this shit so he just pushed to door open and entered. Thank God, Tony had at least put on the shorts and the sweat pants. Steve swallowed when he really looked at Tony.

“I can see your ribs.” He said and Tony tried hiding his body with his arms. A little voice in his head told him, that the arc reactor had disappeared, but Steve couldn’t concentrate on that fact right now.

“Why can I see your ribs?” Steve asked calmly. The man shrugged and pulled, without further whining, his hoodie over his head. “Tony, I’m so not letting you out of here without any explanation.”

Tony raised an eyebrow at him while he put his arms through the sleeves. “JARVIS told me you have not eaten since coming back, you did not eat while we were together and I’m sure nothing found the way into your stomach in the time between, am I right?”

“I can’t eat, Rogers. I throw everything out.” Tony answered honestly. Steve knew he was telling the truth, because Tony looked away from him. He was ashamed. “I’ve got some ulcers. It hurts like hell when I eat. And it does not take long for it to come the wrong way up again.”

“When did you eat the last time?” Steve asked again.

“The last time, I ate and it stayed inside was five days ago. I tried eating, I swear and then Natasha called and I didn’t want to risk anything.”

Steve sighed. “Alright, you need medication. And I will make you a smoothie, anything light for your body… But wait you still drank coffee?”

Tony bit his lip. “Well yes, but no… I let it rest, I drank it cold that was alright, not always but yes…” Steve opened the door and went back into the kitchen.

“You are a child, Tony. Honestly. What would you have done, if I did not show up?” Steve asked when he heard that Tony followed him.

“Dying?” Tony said with a questioned tone in his voice.

“Probably.” Steve answered.

Tony refused to go sleeping while Steve made something to eat. Instead he sat on the bar stool and watched Captain America cooking. Well, Tony called it watching, Steve thought about it as desperately trying to not fall off the stool while keeping his eyes open. It took Tony twenty minutes to actually fall asleep with his head on the table. Steve tried to be more silent after that, he would not dare to move the man who would probably just wake up. He must take the risk of Tony just falling of his seat.

Steve had hoped for longer sleep but Tony woke just in time for the dinner. “Nightmare?” He asked, when he saw the confusing in Tony’s eyes and his fast breathing.

“Yeah, something like that…” Tony answered. Steve placed a big bottle in front of him.

“Drink. It’s a smoothie, mostly strawberries and bananas, the Internet said it would be alright. JARVIS called your doctor, he will come over tomorrow to get you a treatment.”

Tony sighed. “’m not hungry, …teve.” He murmured.

“I’m sure you reached a stage, where your body doesn’t even know how to tell you he needs food. I understand that you don’t want to, but you need it. Please Tony, do it for me, okay?”

“I’m not a child, Cap.”

Without saying anything else, he pushed the bottle nearer to his friend. Tony tried his best version of puppy eyes, which usually where quite effective but Steve wouldn’t forget the image of his body so soon, plus his eyes still looked like hell. Steve just turned away. “I have some crackers for you and some porridge…”

Steve made enough food for the whole team, including Thor and Hawkeye, although he knew Tony would probably not be able to eat as much. “I’m still waiting for your monologue.” Tony said while forcing himself to eat Steve’s rice pan with vegetables. It was absolutely delicious but he was still a little to nausea to really enjoy it.

“You should sleep before we talk. I want you to understand what I’m saying”

“Make a short version then.” Steve sighed and put his fork down.

“Fine, but while I speak, you will eat.” Tony rolled his eyes but followed Steve’s rule. The blond man watched Tony for a moment before he decided how to start. “Sam told you, that you were by my side until the medics arrived and you told Natasha that my friend saved me, which makes me believe it was Bucky and you saw him.”

Tony did not react on his claim in any way, which was answer enough for Steve. “You spared him, Tony… And I don’t know what to say, not only did you stay after you wanted to go, but you spared my best friend. I can’t thank you enough Tony. I’m sure it was not easy, and you may have conflicted feelings about it, about him and me… maybe about us, but it doesn’t change anything for me."

He shook his head a few times. A little smile coming up on his lips. "Actually, it does, Tony… I cannot ask you for forgiveness in Bucky’s name. I won’t do that. You decided to let him go. Once again you proved me wrong. I was sure you would kill him, the moment you saw him. A 100%, no doubt there... And then you... you're perf..." He stopped himself.

"You’re a good man, Tony. The best. Thanks for being by my side." He took a deep breath. "I realized one thing over the last days and especially on my ride from Washington D.C. But now, I’m ready to admit it to myself and tell you.”

Tony looked up at him. He was curious but he furrowed his brow suspiciously about what Steve would tell him. “I think, I love you Tony, you don’t need to say anything, I just want you to know.” Steve dropped the bomb. “I won’t leave till you feel better and I will never force Bucky on you. I’m by your side Tony for however long you want me to. I won’t let you down.” Steve would face the truth right now, the truth about Tony's feelings for him. He would take whatever it was. Only right now he felt like dying.

Tony swallowed down his last bite and stared up to Steve. “You love me?” He asked again. Steve smiled a little.

“I do.” Tony nodded and ate the rest of his plate within a minute, while Steve was just waiting for an answer.

“It’s late, I think I need to sleep… You can…” The billionaire said while getting up.

“I can stay if you want, on the couch…” Tony nodded.

“Leave the dishes, I’ve got people to do it. Good night.”

“Good night.” Cap whispered when Tony had already left. He sat there and starred at his plate. It went bad, not terrible as he imagined but Tony flew which isn’t the best scenario he did imagine. He wasn’t even sure what he had expected. Hitting his head against a wall sounded pretty good in that moment.

Steve did do the dishes. He needed to occupy himself. He was totally overthinking the conversation, but he didn’t want to sleep yet. It was late, but he had slept for days, he wasn’t tired. But he was utterly confused. Was it a good sign Tony wanted him to stay? Or was it a bad sign he didn’t give a direct answer? Steve wanted to smash the glass in his hand. Why does everything in his goddamn life had to be so complicated? Would ever anything good stay in his life?

He should have gone for Tony's friendship, that would have been sufficient.
After he had finished the dishes and cleaned the table, he looked around in the penthouse and asked himself what he should do now. He probably should just leave. Tony had just been nice, he didn’t really want him to stay.

But then again, Steve didn’t want to run. He knew that there had always been a certain tension between Tony and him. He never realized of which nature it was and honestly his first reaction on the billionaire when he showed up at Sam’s apartment was annoyance. Already seconds later, he had known that he was not really angry at him for being there, for trying to help, but he was furious that Tony did not ask them, him, for help with the Mandarin, sure he had Rhodes but…

Steve had wanted to help, and to be by his side. That’s why he tried to be annoyed, he failed miserably and at least then he should have known why he was always overwhelmed by his emotions when he was confronted with Tony. He didn’t, it took him another proof of the greatness of Tony Stark to realize.

Iron Man had spared Bucky. Steve wasn’t even sure his best friend deserved it. He loved him like a brother and he didn’t want him to die, especially not killed by Tony. But the son of Howard had seen his fair share of shit in his life. It sounded wrong, but he might deserve his revenge.

Steve had indeed read his file. He talked to Natasha and Rhodes, the fact that Tony was still alive was a miracle. Not only was he a target for probably half the world but he was having a fight with himself, depression, PTSD, anxiety. He honestly wondered, why the man had never tried to take his one life, Steve was happy he never did. He couldn’t lose Tony, not yesterday, not today and certainly not in the future.

The couch was comfortable, more so than his bed in his apartment in Washington D.C. It was even big enough for him. He took a blanket from a box next to the couch. It was soft and so warm but mostly – and Steve hated to admit it, because he felt like a creep – it smelled unmistakably like Tony.

Steve couldn’t describe how Tony smelled, part of it was his expensive perfume he wore, some was the scent of his favorite coffee, he didn’t know the name but it came from Columbia, there was more to it, but he was not sure what. He only knew he loved it, and it helped him fall asleep.

Steve woke up, when he felt something laying on his shoulder. Like the good soldier he was, it took him barely a second to be fully awake. Through the city light, he could make out Tony standing in front of him. The light shined into the man’s face and Steve could see his wet cheeks and the general sad expression Tony wore. He looked like a child in that moment. A child that needed protection because earth was a bad place for such a soft soul.

“Hey.” Steve said with a gentle voice and took Tony’s hand that was still on his shoulder. His fingers were still freezing. Tony shuddered and sighed.

“I’m sad.” He simply said. Steve knew then that Tony trusted him, liked him. He never let anybody willingly see his vulnerable side. But there he was, lonely and miserable and instead of shutting everybody out, he decided to come to Steve. Without anybody forcing him. He was opening up to him and Captain America would take everything Tony would give.

“You’re cold, c’mere.” Tony only hesitated a second when Steve lifted his blanket, before he lied down on his chest. He put the blanket over Tony’s shoulders and closed his arms around his back. “Are you comfortable?”

“Yes.” He whispered. He was still crying, Steve could again feel the wetness on his shirt and he was still not a fan. He would never be, but it was good that the tears dropped on him and not into a lonely bed.

Nothing except for the tears indicated that Tony was crying. He didn’t sob, his breathing did not change in the slightest, he was not trembling. Steve’s hand went up and he started caressing Tony’s soft hair. The smaller man took a deep breath and relaxed into Steve’s embrace. Good, Steve thought. He wanted to tell Tony, he was there and he would protect him, help him. His mouth went dry and then Tony started speaking.

“I hate him.” He said. Steve didn’t ask who he meant. “I hate them.” He corrected himself.

And confused Cap completely, he thought he talked about Bucky. “Who?”.

“Barnes and…” He sighed. “I hate my dad. I don’t want to, I thought I wouldn’t anymore but… It came back.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I believe he loved me, just… He never showed it, Steve. People that knew him tell me how much he loved me and how fondly he talked about me, but why didn’t he tell me that?” Steve had no answer to that, how could he? The Howard he knew was so much different to the Howard Tony knew. He wished the man was still alive, only to see what a great man his son turned out to be, despite his education and all the wrong people he met in his life.

“Tony?”

“Yeah?”

“Did… Did he ever abuse you?” There was a little pause in Tony’s regular breathing and Steve felt how his heart started to pick up speed.

“No… I mean.” He sighed. “I got one or two slaps in the face, nothing serious, I deserved them… But he never, he didn’t. He didn’t. He ignored me, gave me the ‘unworthy’ looks, but he was not abusive. Mentally maybe, not physically. He would never.” Steve caressed his hair without saying a word. “You believed he abused me…”

“I hoped the contrary but I was afraid, yes… Some of your behavior indicate exactly that, but I believe you.”

“What do you mean?” Tony asked.

“That, right here. You cry so silently, as if you need to hide it. You barely show your honest emotions. It's the first time, I see them. I'm sure, I'm not the only one you tried to keep at distance. You push people away before they get to close. I’m just wondering if you’re having another trauma…”

Tony snorted shortly. “Another trauma.” Another snort and he let out a dry laugh.

“I’m serious Tony, can you please explain it? This is no joke... I want to understand, so I can help.”

Tony stayed silent for a couple of seconds. “I don’t think it comes from trauma… I mean ‘Stark men are made of iron’ is kinda stuck with me forever, but I was a genius, rich kid that was a lot younger than the other kids in school, so I had to hide from bullies. I tried to hide from myself, when my parents died. I didn’t want to admit to myself that I was hurt. Then there was press everywhere and every time. You can’t survive if you show them to much of yourself. I was kidnapped and tortured, one of my oldest friends tried to kill me, multiple times… I can’t show my enemies how I feel, that gives them even more power over me, you know that… I think that's the reason, I'm not sure.” He sighed.

“I know it's weird, sometimes I don’t even realize I’m crying. I usually cry while sleeping, I wake up to a wet pillow and hurting eyes... I understand if that freaks you out.” Steve shook his head, but Tony couldn’t see it.

“Not in the slightest, I’m just worried… Thanks, for opening up to me, I know it’s not easy for you to trust anybody.” Tony pushed his hands under Steve's back.

“I do trust you, Steve. You were nothing but honest with me since we met and now you’re here and not…” He sighed. “I really hate him Steve. I’m trying not to, I can’t right now, but I’m happy you’re with me.”

“It’s okay. You spared his life, though…”

“I did. Because of you. He’s your friend and he saved you. So, there still is some of your Bucky in him, I couldn’t kill him. I wanted, desperately. Honestly, it would have been so easy, he didn't even try to escape, which made it only more difficult to pull the trigger. But mostly, it was you. I heard you take a breath and I let him go. You’re more important than revenge… For now, I’m happy to do that, but I need time to get over it. I hope you're not angry.”

Steve smiled while looking at Tony’s hair. He would help him, any way he could. "How could I?"

After some time, they spent in silence, Steve couldn't shut his mouth any longer, he had to know. It was killing him. “So, about that conversation we had earlier…”

“Steve, if you want to be with me you need to learn how to read signs. I’m not good at conversations or feelings, you should know. I’m better at showing, at telling people things between lines.” Tony answered within a second.

He pushed his head up and smiled directly into Steve’s face. “I’m only going to explain that once. I came to you, in the middle of the night, after I cried for hours, I’m lying on top of you right now, I shared some of my emotions, although it’s just the tip of the iceberg, but I’m getting to it. I just told you that you were more important to me than revenge for my parent’s death.” He shook his head and grinned at little. “This is the closed to ‘I love you’, you will come tonight. Take it or leave it."

Steve smiled back and dried Tony’s cheeks with his thumps. “The sun is rising.” Tony raised an eyebrow. “You just told me to read between lines, same to you.”

The billionaire grinned back at him. “You told me a couple of hours ago, that my brain was not working, so… please, dear Steve, explain.”

“You said tonight, but the night is nearly over, so… I wanna hear you say it, just this once…“

Tony snorted. “I’m not getting out of it.” “No.” He strengthened the hug to prove his point. The grin on Tony’s face disappeared and he allowed Steve to see his emotions displayed on his face. Still a little wet, red with a pick of a smile, softness in his tired eyes, no wrinkles on his forehead. This was pure Tony, he felt in love with. “I love you, Steve.“

And in that moment, Steve could believe that without any doubt. And for just this once, he actually believed that he deserved this. “I love you too. And now sleep, we can talk later, maybe grab a coffee. Wait, no coffee for you, tea, yeah you’re invited to tea. And cupcakes, crêpes, waffles if you want…” He started babbling, what a love declaration could do to Captain America that fought fucking Nazis without any second thought.

“Shut up, Steve, I’m trying to sleep.” Tony muttered into his shirt, after he had made himself comfortable again.

Steve kissed his head. “Sleep well, beloved. JARVIS, do me a favor and dark the windows.”

“With pleasure, Captain. Good night.”