Chapter Text
It’s like it meant nothing to him. All of our time together. Every memory we share, every kiss, every breath. All of it. Was it all just a joke? Was it always… always doomed to lead up to this moment? Everything… all of the stolen glances and sneaky moments together…. Everything was just bound to end this way? A pale Killua lies in the hospital bed before me, oxygen mask strewn to the side, the long beep still blaring in my ears, the siren that signals the end of another life. The machine only flatlined a second ago… maybe I can still bring him back. I try to reach out… desperately, but my hands shake violently as the bed pulls farther and farther away from me, making its slow path through the black space all around. I can’t do anything.
When my eyes open, I don’t jolt out of bed sweating. Instead, my body sinks further into the mattress, the weeks of sleepless night painting bags under my eyes. The fatigue from constantly laying in bed, not caring or wanting to do anything makes my body useless to me. It doesn’t matter anymore, anyway. He’s gone. Nothing matters now. Absolutely nothing.
The tears burn my eyes, but the burning sensation carries that… comfort of familiarity. The red won’t go now, just like the empty hole in my head and chest. Cars from outside pass by, lights dancing their way around the walls of my dark room. I can hear the rain pattering down outside. Silence. Deafening silence filled with one thought clouds the room as the feeling of suffocation spreads like slow waves through my lungs.
It should have been me.
It. Should. Have. Been. Me.
Every single warning sign was right in front of me, shouting in those bold neon colors ‘I need help. Please… help me’ but I was as blind then as I was when we began dating. He told me everything about his family. The constant abuse, the feelings of inferiority, the lack of friends, the grooming to become an important political figure and the lack of anything else in his life. Maybe… maybe we should’ve stayed friends…
No.
Never. That thought doesn’t belong here. I cherish every single moment we spent together, while friends and lovers. I know he did too. If I could go back in time… the only thing I’d change is trying to save him. There is no part of me that regrets our relationship. Only the part that digs a constant knife into my own back; Killua’s back is already too far gone for me to do anymore damage. Every breath that creeps into my lungs makes the knife plunge deeper into my back, reaching for the heart that’s already shriveled into dust.
Everything would be better if only I could see him again. If… only…
I get up groggily and trudge over to my dresser with legs heavy as logs, despite losing over 20 pounds in the last few weeks from my loss of appetite. Leorio and Kurapika stopped trying with me. In fact… They haven’t contacted me since his funeral. My green hair hangs in shambles around my face as I pull on a shirt with sluggish moves. It’s nice outside, despite the rain and pitch black sky. I think… I’ll take a stroll through the neighborhood.
The hallway outside of my room is strewn with objects and darker than the inside of my room. Broken glass glitters litters the carpet and picture frames lie either face down on the ground or face down on a shelf. The door that’s been closed for… already a month now is the only clean area. An entire circle around it is free of trash and thrown objects, but the door hasn’t been opened in a month. And it never will be again. The knob glitters at me like it’s inviting me in. But I don’t deserve to go in there. Even if I did, I wouldn’t… the small part of me left that’s not on autopilot wouldn’t be able to handle it.
I maneuver myself around the trash and glass, accidentally stepping on some that cuts my foot open, and make it to the dark kitchen and living room. I don’t think the lights have been on here in about 3 weeks. Since the last time Kurapika came over. He didn’t even lug Leorio with him last time. I think it was just so he could say goodbye and lecture me before walking out of my life.
Something catches my eye on the couch. A small urn. Full of him. I turn away immediately, tears already coming down my face. He wanted to be cremated. To be free after he died. He spent so long living inside of this cage and his cage of feelings… but I can’t bring myself to let him go. It’s…. Selfish. I know. But today… that will end. My hands somehow attach themselves to the urn and, moving as if controlled by invisible strings, my limbs move me to the door. It’s still raining outside, but it’s beautiful. The lights of the city shine through and the cars go by slowly. Rain is serene. Perfect for today.
Me and him… we used to run down the street and see who could splash the other with a bigger amount of puddle water. He always won, no matter how hard I tried. I can be a sore loser sometimes, but it was always worth it when he looked at me with that big grin on his face. Eyes sparkling. Everything was worth it for him.
I snap out of my trance to find a soft smile on my face, but it melts away immediately as I continue walking. The rain smooths and soaks my hair, bouncing off of the urn and running down the side. I breathe in and out with deep, steady breaths, the night air like purifying warm washing over my body. I nod to the man at the desk as I enter a building only a 5 minute walk from my house and he nods back. He doesn’t question why I’m here. A lot of people must come and go through here. Killua used to always love coming here.
The stairs burn my calves. Flight after flight I ascend, the urn making my body seem lighter. One thought runs through my mind the entire time.
At the top, the door opens for me and a rush of cool air soothes my pounding heart. The stars are bright from all the way up here and the air is cooler. A beautiful view of the city lies just beyond that railing that him and I used to lean against with excitement at one point in time. The railing that I swing one leg over, balance myself, then swing the other over. The rail that now supports my back as I sit down with a sigh, legs swinging freely over the edge of the city. From here, I can see where the lights end and the water begins. It’s quite amazing, if I’m being honest. But… it’s not as amazing as it was when he was here with me. My gaze slowly trails over to the urn I’ve set beside me and my voice flows out for the first time in 3 entire weeks.
“I miss you so much. Everything was better when you were here, you know?” my voice is steady despite the burning in my eyes that appears for the third time today. “I remember the first time we met and how happy you were to have someone your own age around you. It was adorable, honestly. I never missed how your eyes used to light up when you saw me, or that subtle thing you’d do when I got close. How your hands would fidget slightly. You’re perfect in every way and you made me so much better. How… how the hell could I have gotten so caught up in myself that I didn’t notice you were struggling?”
My voice begins to break up. The wobbling finally being true to my own feelings. “It didn’t take losing you to realize how important you were to me. You were absolutely everything to me. Everything. Losing you… it made me realize how much more you deserved than me. I don’t, and will never, regret dating you, but I wish you’d met someone better than me. Someone who could’ve held you better on those nights you’d break down crying or wake up from a nightmare. Someone who would have noticed your deterioration. If only I did…”
I chuckle dryly, tears still streaming down my face as I look down to my feet dangling over the edge. “It took losing you… to finally understand what you were feeling like all those times that I was blind to you. Hopeless. Crushing sadness. Feeling like there’s nothing left in life for you. It’s all my fault… but I wish you’d tried to talk to me about it, baby. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, so it’s not something I’d ever want you feeling.”
My body shakes as I stand, hair flowing in the wind as it bites the tears on my face. My brown eyes turn again to the urn and I smile the most pitiful smile I’ve ever experienced. “How amazing you were to me. How terrible I was to not have noticed you suffering. But… it’s okay now. I’m going to see you again, and I’ll make it right. I promise…”
I turn my gaze to the horizon, leaving the urn behind me and take a deep breath. Everything will be okay. And I know that. The thought running through my mind while going up the stairs? I’ll finally get to see him again. I’ll get to make up for everything I’ve done wrong. Even if it has to be in the afterlife, I hope he’s doing well.
My body falls forward as the wind already begins to make my hair fly. The feeling of free falling invades my every limb, but I close my eyes. The closer I get to the ground, the closer I get to him, so it’s okay. It’s scary… but it’s okay.
I can hear his voice calling my name before I black out.
“Gon…”
When I wake up, something feels off. Something other than the fact I’m alive when I’m supposed to be dead and with Killua now. I sit up slowly, blankets falling off of my body with grace and I raise my hands in front of my eyes. Sunshine flows through the windows to the sides of my bed and light my hands with a soft golden color. Everything feels… okay for some reason. Just that is enough to make me feel so on edge.
“Gon? Are you okay?” a soft voice calls my name from next to me, making my entire body go rigid. No. Way…
As I turn my head slowly, fluffy white hair comes into view along with those concerned blue eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes that I hadn't seen for an entire month. Those blue eyes that I didn’t think I’d ever see again. The eyes that belonged to…
Killua.