Chapter Text
Chapter 1
Sam
“I love him, Sammy.” Dean’s voice breaks as he sits at the table.
I’d been trying to get him to talk to me. He didn’t seem like he was handling thongs well, after Jack told him Cas was in Heaven after escaping the Empty.
My brother thinks he can hide what he’s done to himself.
He’s been so angry with the way things have been and he doesn’t know how to cope, so he took it out on himself. I can see the scars up his arms.
It’s been months since Cas went away. There are bottles of alcohol, smashed and intact littered around his room.
I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he pushes me away.
“What did he say to you?” I ask, pouring him a bowl of cereal.
Dean stabs at the hard cereal as best as he can, with a spoon.
Eileen is still upstairs asleep, we’ve gotten up early and we’ve been planning what to do, now that we’ve come to a realisation that we don’t want to hunt anymore.
Eileen and I have been trying to get Dean to cheer up, but...it’s been hard.
“He said he loved me, Sammy. The Empty took him because he experienced a moment of happiness… and that happiness was confessing that he loved me. He cares for you, Jack and me and they took him.” He pauses, sobbing. “He said it was something he can’t have. He thinks I don’t love him.”
Dean puts his head in his hands and I can see more of the bloody scars. Some are fresh.
“What did you do, Dean?” I whisper, sadly.
I get a cloth and tend to his cuts.
“The voices in my head keep telling me I’m not worth it, Sammy. I didn’t know how to feel. I tried to say something...but nothing came out. He saved me. Sam and I just screwed it up, like every other time. Is that why Cas hasn’t showed his face? Because he can see what I’ve become?”
I shake my head.
“Dean, you can’t think like that. You are getting better. But you need to find better ways of venting your anger. I know Cas wouldn’t like to see you like this.” I say honestly. “And I know you love him. I know its hard for you to say how you feel, but you’re learning.”
I know we’ll find Cas, or Cas will come to us. He’s helping Jack rebuild Heaven, but a hello every now and then, would be nice.
Cas and Dean clearly have unfinished business.
And I don’t want to watch my brother die.
“Dean, you need to tell him how you feel.” I say softly.
“How can I when he’s not here?”
I think for a moment.
“When Eileen comes down, I want you to spend some time with her.” I say.
“Where are you going?” Dean asks.
“I’m gonna get a Christmas tree,” I lie. “Don’t touch any blades or broken glass. Please?”
He mumbles something and pull him close, telling him everything will be okay. He promises he won’t touch anything, and says he’ll clean up his room.
I have a plan. I want this to be a good Christmas, and if my present is Cas coming home, than it will have been worth it.
I pull out a box of Christmas ornaments and lights from a cupboard that belonged to Eileen,
“Put these around the house and the Bunker. I’ll be back soon.”
Dean nods and I watch him leave.
As soon as I’m out of earshot, I round the corner and get in my car, making it look like I’m going to get a Christmas tree in case anybody has followed me, but I look up to the sky, and begin praying.
Nothing.
Then Jack appears,
“Sam? What’s wrong?”
“You know damn well what’s wrong.” I cross my arms.