Archive of Our Own ^beta

Tsukishima leaned back onto the coffee shop’s wall where he’d been waiting for a few minutes for Yamaguchi’s arrival. With the snow gone and forgotten, the weather had been slightly warmer, allowing Tsukishima to spare a few minutes like this outside.

“Good morning, Tsukki!”

Ah, there he was. Wrapped up in a ridiculous amount of clothing and still managing to have his face covered in red splotches where the cold was biting into his skin. He’d been like this ever since Tsukishima’s known him. It was endearing, in a way.

“Good morning.”

Tsukishima thought about how they came to be this, what they were now, as he pushed the glass door and stepped inside with Yamaguchi in tow.

He had never expected his sudden relocation to a different branch of the museum he worked in to end up with Yamaguchi being thrusted back into his life. His new job, him moving, Kuroo insisting that he take care of that stupid cat, they were all events that somehow led him back to Yamaguchi in a vet clinic with the aforementioned cat yowling in pain in Tsukishima’s arms. It was a surprising turn of events. Seeing Yamaguchi, whom he abandoned four years ago, all grown up and looking like he had the whole world’s weight on his shoulders made him finally try to take responsibility for what he’d done to him. It had been a mess on both his and Yamaguchi’s parts but months later, they somehow ended up here. In a small café where they’d get their morning coffee and Tsukishima would drop Yamaguchi off to work.

After bumping into each other while getting coffee a lot more than Tsukishima expected, he asked him if he wanted a ride to work. Yamaguchi had graciously said yes, telling him that he had to stay at the clinic until late at night and he didn’t sleep well enough to be dealing with trains packed with people just yet. Tsukishima had learned during the short ride that the clinic Yamaguchi worked was, in fact, somewhere along his work route and Yamaguchi always stopped by that café in the mornings to get coffee for breakfast. When Tsukishima sent a text to Yamaguchi that night asking if Yamaguchi would like a ride tomorrow too, he agreed with a bunch of cutesy emojis that Tsukishima could only associate with Yamaguchi.

It became a routine after that, having these ‘I have coffee for breakfast dates’ as Kuroo dubbed it. It was easy, with Yamaguchi. He still was the same Yamaguchi he knew back then, but he wasn’t at the same time. He was better at masking what he was truly feeling, his smiles didn’t look as genuine as they did back in high school and he was somehow a lot more reserved. Tsukishima couldn’t explain as he seemed just the same from outside, but he knew. He used to be his best friend for a long time before.

A part of his brain screamed that it was his fault to him. Yes, that part of his brain was right. He’d abandoned his best friend right after he told him he loved him. In the worst way possible, without any explanation. Maintained radio silence for four years. All so that he could try to hold onto his warped sense of normalcy for a little longer. Yes, he could see how that would fuck said best friend up.

And now, he was left to figure out how to not break this fragile thing they have between them with his questionable people skills and some advice from the idiots he calls friends. It wasn’t like Tsukishima was expecting it to be easy, but it had turned out to be much harder now that Yamaguchi wasn’t the one setting the pace in their ‘relationship’. Tsukishima didn’t know what to call whatever they had. They weren’t exactly friends, but they weren’t strangers either. He didn’t know where they stood with each other. Yamaguchi’s unpredictable manner didn’t help in the slightest.

It bothered him to know that he wasn’t able to read Yamaguchi like he did before. The Yamaguchi he used to know would wear his heart on his sleeve. This Yamaguchi was way better at hiding his feelings. In fact, Tsukishima had never seen him open up about how he truly felt ever since he apparently gave Tsukishima another shot at being in his life.

It was never in Tsukishima’s plans to insert himself back into Yamaguchi’s life. He had thought Yamaguchi didn’t want anything to do with him. That would probably be the best for him. But when they crossed paths again and he saw Yamaguchi’s face looking so broken, he had wanted nothing more than to make sure Yamaguchi never wore that expression again. Even if he was the one who caused it in the first place. That was why he promised Yamaguchi that night.

Neither of them talked about it, but he knew Yamaguchi was thinking about it. What it all meant. Tsukishima himself did too. Promising to not hurt someone meant… a lot of things. Some that he wasn’t even prepared to face, which was why a part of him was glad they weren’t talking about it.

“Tsukki?”

Ah. It was his turn to order. He had been so lost in thought that it didn’t even register that the line of people before him moved. He quickly ordered and paid for his coffee, catching up to Yamaguchi who was already waiting in line to receive their drinks when they were done.

“You seemed so lost in thought, Tsukki. Are you alright?”

Damn Yamaguchi. He wanted to scream. As uncharacteristic of him as it was, he wanted to grab Yamaguchi by the collar and demand him to express what he was actually feeling. But no, he couldn’t. He was going to be careful with this, with Yamaguchi. Patience wasn’t his forte, but this wasn’t something he could rush.

“Yeah. I was just thinking about something work related. Let’s get our coffees and get going.”

Yamaguchi shrugged, the action looking almost funny with the puffy coat he had on. They waited a couple more minutes for their coffee, Tsukishima’s a plain latte and Yamaguchi’s an americano. Tsukishima watched Yamaguchi take a sip while they got out of the shop and started walking back to the car. His freckled face scrunched up in distaste as he swallowed the mouthful with an audible gulp.

“Why do you drink it if you don’t like it?”

“Uh… Well, it’s the only thing that wakes me up properly in the morning. I need the caffeine to get me going. Also it’s a great breakfast if you’re in a hurry. Guess the habit stuck.”

Tsukishima nodded in acknowledgement, unlocking the car and getting in. He made a mental note to himself to ask Yamaguchi small things like this more. It was nice to hear about the things Yamaguchi was up to while Tsukishima was gone.

The short drive to Yamaguchi’s workplace felt even shorter with him talking about trivial things like the annoying client at the clinic and his absolutely adorable little rat. Tsukishima found himself strangely wishing that the ride was longer when Yamaguchi got out of the car and waved with a small smile. He didn’t say anything, but waved back. He could already feel that this was going to be a long day.

*****

“Wait, what?”

“I asked you to take Bokuto with you and come to my place. What are you, deaf?”

Tsukishima was this close to regretting that he even entertained the idea to ask his hair for brains friends for advice.

“Uh. Did hell freeze over?”

“Yes. Get your ass over here, quick.”

He rubbed his temples as he hung up without even waiting for a reply. Kuroo and Bokuto were insufferable, but there was a reason they were his best friends. He was tired and all he wanted to do was sleep, but the sooner he had an idea what to do regarding Yamaguchi, the less he had to flail around. Kuroo and Bokuto were probably the only ones who could help him out with this. Maybe Akaashi too. He was going to have a talk with Akaashi if this didn’t work out. 

He tapped his foot on the ground as he waited for the tea water to boil. It was a stupid thing he got from Kuroo, the cheap package of it literally said ‘relaxing tea’ like some sketchy scam, and Kuroo had said maybe it would help with the ‘stick up his ass’. He had tried it out of curiosity after making sure it was actually some sort of tea and was pleasantly surprised when it worked. Now he had a habit of drinking some before he went to sleep, much to Kuroo’s amusement.

He ended up waiting for them in the living room where he sprawled on the couch with his mug full of hot tea grasped in his hands, some sort of action movie playing on TV that he didn’t want to pay attention in the slightest. But hey, it was background noise.

His doorbell started ringing like crazy after he indulged himself in the utterly crappy movie for 10 minutes or maybe less. He groaned and placed his almost empty mug on the small coffee table by the couch. The ringing didn’t stop until he got to the door and opened it, which annoyed him greatly despite the tea.

“Yo, Tsukki!”

Bokuto slapped him on the shoulder as a greeting. Tsukishima gave him the middle finger before letting him and Kuroo in.

“You’re still drinking that tea?”

Kuroo smirked and nodded his head in the direction where his mug was.

“Well, any kind of relief is a blessing when I have to deal with you two on a daily basis.”

“Yeeeet you’re the one who invited us over.”

“I hate you.”

“Aww Tsukki, we love you too!”

Tsukishima walked up to the kitchen and poured the extra tea that he certainly didn’t prepare for his friends in two mugs and headed back into the living room where they were getting comfortable on the big couch. He set the mugs down in front of them and retrieved his own, taking his last sip and settling on one of the smaller couches.

“So, Tsukki, what got you so desperate that you actually invited us over?”

Bokuto traced the mug handle with his index finger. Tsukishima sighed.

“Yamaguchi.”

“What about him?”

“I don’t know.”

Kuroo took a sip of the tea and scrunched his face as he presumably burnt his tongue.

“Look bro, if you don’t tell us what’s wrong we can’t help you.”

“No, I literally don’t know. Something is wrong but I don’t know what.”

An uncomfortable silence covered the room. Tsukishima slightly shifted in his seat but didn’t say anything. He hoped one of them could end his dilemma already. Kuroo scratched his chin thoughtfully.

“Tsukishima, what do you want with Yamaguchi? If you wanted to befriend him again, then you’ve definitely achieved that. He’s your friend again. Do you want more? Do you want less? What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think about Yamaguchi?”

He doesn’t smile like he used to.

He wasn’t about to tell them that.

“And what do you want to do about that thing you’re thinking about now?”

Bokuto piped in, saving him from sharing what he was thinking. He was watching him with something akin to amusement in his eyes. There were moments that Tsukishima believed he actually had some semblance of a brain inside his skull, and this was one of them.

“I don’t know.”

“Whatever it is, you know that it’s up to you to do something about that, right?”

Tsukishima groaned. He did. He most likely just needed to be slapped in the face by the fact before he acknowledged it.

“What… should I do?”

He hated how unsure he sounded. He wanted to be confident in this. Confident that he could bring the bright smile Yamaguchi used to have. He wasn’t. He could only hope that his emotionally constipated self could pull it off without hurting Yamaguchi, like he promised.

“It really is up to you… But try to show him you’re not going to be an asshole this time? Get to know him again, maybe do the things you used to like before.”

Kuroo shrugged and downed his tea in one go. Tsukishima sighed for the umpteenth time that night, not only he still didn’t know what to do, now he had even more questions that needed answers. He was at least grateful to his friends for trying to help him.

“…. Thanks.”

He mumbled, barely loud enough to be heard.

“No problem, man.”

“Yeah. Rely on us more, won’t you?”

Bokuto smiled widely and elbowed Kuroo in the guts jokingly, probably a gesture to convey how reliable they were.

“Oh I would, but I value my life.”

Tsukishima smirked, amused by the spluttering Bokuto.

“Not cool, Tsukki!”

Kuroo sighed as he got up and dragged the still sulking Bokuto up with him.

“Well, if that’s all I think we should get going. Bokuto here has practice in the morning and I still have some work to do.”

“Yeah. Right. I’ll see you out.”

“Don’t bother. We don’t count as guests in your house by now, we’ll see ourselves out. You think about what we talked about, yeah? You got this.”

Kuroo slapped his shoulder lightly and Bokuto waved at him enthusiastically before leaving as quick as they came with a soft click of the door.

He rubbed the bridge of his nose under his glasses as he picked up the empty mugs. As chaotic as it was, they actually gave him a lot of things to think about, the most blaring one in his mind being the question of what he wanted with Yamaguchi.

What they had right now was nothing like what their friendship used to be. He supposed that was to be expected. He was the one to stupidly ruin it in the first place.

He quickly walked into the kitchen and quickly placed the mugs in the dishwasher. He plopped himself down on his bed after making sure everything was in order and got under the covers.

Sleep didn’t come easy to him that night.

*****

Yamaguchi was sitting next to him in his car, the carton coffee cup clutched in both of his gloved hands, gaze fixed on somewhere far away as rain kept pouring outside. There was heavy traffic due to the rain, and Yamaguchi had been relatively silent the entire time. Tsukishima could only steal short glances at him as he forced himself to focus on the road.

“It’s a good thing we both thought about coming a bit early, we would be late otherwise. I wonder if there was an accident.”

Yamaguchi muttered into his cup, gaze still locked onto whatever he was looking at earlier.

“This usually happens on rainy days. It’s better to think ahead.”

“That’s so like you, Tsukki. Glad to see some things never change.”

Yamaguchi chuckled softly, but at the same time it sounded so sad. Tsukishima didn’t know how that was even possible. He tightened his grip on the steering wheel and focused on the road to avoid looking at Yamaguchi. He was sure he was wearing that lonely expression again.

A beat passed. And then two. Silence stretched around them, the sound of the rain distant. Yamaguchi was looking at his cup with furrowed brows as if it had done something wrong. Just as the silence was getting too awkward, Yamaguchi let out an obviously forced laugh.

“Ahh, you know what? They brought in a snake yesterday! I’m not really equipped to handle them, but I wish I did, it looked so cool!”

There it was. Yamaguchi was closing himself off again because of Tsukishima’s awkwardness. He decided that just wouldn’t do.

“What are you thinking, Yamaguchi?”

“Huh? I was just thinking it’d be good for me to learn how to handle different animals.”

“No. Not that. What are you really thinking?”

“…Nothing in particular, Tsukki.”

Another missed opportunity. Tsukishima sighed.

“Alright then, please do go on.”

He listened to Yamaguchi ramble on and on about some snake with a heavy heart. He always talked about work and other trivial things, never delving too much into his personal life. It sounded forced to him, but pushing further now probably would make Yamaguchi pull even further away.

Get to know him again.

He had an idea.

“Yamaguchi, do you want to get lunch with me on Sunday?”

“Huh?”

“Lunch. On Sunday.”

“I heard you when you first said it, Tsukki. I was just surprised.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. We haven’t gotten lunch together in a long time, I guess.”

He was right. Was it weird? Was he going to say no? Did he make a mistake and—

“Let’s do that, Tsukki.”

Oh.

*****

Sunday came around way faster than Tsukishima anticipated. He checked himself in the mirror to make sure he didn’t look ridiculous. They had agreed on a hole-in-the-wall restaurant that Yamaguchi had discovered while he was still a student and insisted that it had the best soba. He indulged Yamaguchi, and told him that next time he was going to be the one to pick where they would be going. No objections came from Yamaguchi, most likely meaning that Yamaguchi was okay with them hanging out together outside of their routine in the morning.

He offered to pick Yamaguchi up but he politely declined, telling him that he felt bad enough that he was driving him to work every weekday. Tsukishima told him it’s okay and shrugged, but Yamaguchi didn’t budge. Maybe he could get him to accept a ride back home.

He checked the time on his phone and decided it was time to go if he wanted to be on time. He put on his coat, grabbed his stuff from the table and made his way down to the garage. Unlike Yamaguchi, he was good with cold. He always used to give Yamaguchi his sweatshirts as an extra layer back when they were still in high school. He looked so ridiculous with all that layers of clothing, but it was sort of endearing too.

He chuckled softly as he got into the car and opened the location Yamaguchi sent him the night before. It was a 20-minute drive, if there wasn’t heavy traffic. He was a little nervous, but he wanted to ask Yamaguchi a little more about what he had been doing in the past 4 years.

He got a text from Yamaguchi just as he was about to arrive, telling him that he was going to wait for him inside. A few minutes later, the gps device announced that he had arrived at his desired destination. He quickly scanned the area for a parking spot and let out a relieved sigh when he found one. Finding parking spots at narrow streets like this one was always a hassle.

After parking with little trouble, he made it inside the small but warm restaurant. He scanned the tables to find Yamaguchi, who was sitting alone at the far back. He was wearing a black turtleneck and a silver pawprint necklace over it. He had his hair tied back in a little ponytail and had multiple piercings in both his ears that Tsukishima had never paid attention to because of his hair. He was also on the phone with someone, laughing like the other person on the line had cracked the world’s funniest joke. A burning feeling crept its way up his throat as he approached him.

“Oh, I gotta go now. I’ll see you tonight, bye!”

Yamaguchi quickly hung up when he saw him, giving him a small wave.

“Hey, Tsukki!”

Tsukishima nodded in acknowledgement and sat down across Yamaguchi, dropping his stuff on the empty chair next to him, as well as his coat. The burning feeling wasn’t going away, much to his annoyance. He swallowed down the urge to ask about who that was. He wasn’t here to be a dick, he was here to get lunch with Yamaguchi.

“How did you end up discovering this place? I would’ve never found it in a street like this.”

“Actually, that’s a funny story! Yachi and I were out drinking and we got super hungry, but the place we were at didn’t serve food so we had to go out in search of a place to eat. It was also super late, so most places were closed. We stumbled upon here by pure accident, but the food was so good that it somehow became a regular place for us to eat.”

Yamaguchi grinned and rubbed his neck, looking somehow proud at the memory. He looked so happy when he talked about his friends. The burning feeling came back full force. He swallowed thickly and forced himself to act like a normal human being. As normal as Tsukishima Kei could be.

“You and Yachi are still friends?”

“Oh, yeah! With Kageyama and Hinata too. I haven’t seen the rest of Karasuno in years though.”

“Me too. You were the only one I kept in touch with after high school ended.”

“Oh I know. Hinata was always complaining that you bolted right after you graduated.”

“Right. There was this guy too, he used to be Johzenji’s captain I think? The guy with the tongue piercing.”

“You mean Terushima? We’re still in touch, he’s actually my best friend now!”

Yamaguchi smiled, sickeningly sweet, and Tsukishima couldn’t breathe. He could just sit there and gape like a fish out of water. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. The logical part of his brain knew this was normal. They weren’t in high school anymore and the last time they had a proper talk like this was years ago. It was only logical. He didn’t like that these irrational emotions were at the verge of sweeping him away. Not one bit.

“Have you two decided what to order yet?”

A cheerful waitress approached their table, saving Tsukishima from his predicament. He breathed out in relief and leaned back as Yamaguchi told her that they’d be having two orders of hot soba.

“You want anything to drink, Tsukki?”

“No. Just water.”

“Just water for us, then.”

Yamaguchi smiled at the waitress and turned back to him when she was gone.

“Sorry about that, Tsukki. What were we saying?”

“You were… talking about your friends.”

“Right! I’ve been meaning to ask, what about you?”

“What about me?”

“Your friends, Tsukki!”

“Oh. Kuroo and Bokuto, I guess. Sometimes Akaashi too as an extension.”

Yamaguchi scratched his pierced ear lightly at his answer, effectively dragging Tsukishima’s attention to the industrial piercing adorning it. Since Yamaguchi was always covered up in multiple layers of winter clothing and he never tied his hair back, this was the first time Tsukishima could see it properly. He had multiple different kinds of piercings in both ears.

“What is it, Tsukki? Do I have something on my face?”

Yamaguchi chuckled nervously and scratched that same place again.

“No, I was looking at your piercings. I’ve never seen them.”

“It’s because I’ve started to get them a few years back when Terushima opened his shop. I actually had some on my face as well, but I took them out to leave a better impression as a vet and just left the ones in my ears. Look, I had a nose ring here but it left a scar.”

Yamaguchi pointed to the left side of his nose and indeed, Tsukishima could see the faint dot of a scar. He’d probably mistake it as a freckle if Yamaguchi hadn’t pointed it out.

“It’s not really obvious. The ones you kept look cool, too.”

“Thanks, Tsukki!”

Yamaguchi beamed at him, almost a real smile. Almost.

Their conversation flowed smoothly after that, mostly about Yamaguchi telling him about the dumb stuff he and his friends did, but Tsukishima tried his best to contribute as much as he could. Their conversation was cut too short for Tsukishima’s liking when their food arrived. They started eating and just as Yamaguchi had said, the soba was really good.

“I like it.”

“I knew you would!”

Yamaguchi grinned and stuffed another mouthful in his mouth, looking all too happy. Tsukishima couldn’t help but find that endearing, Yamaguchi had always acted like this when he ate really good food.

The rest of their lunch passed by in a blur of tasty soba and small talk about regular things. The few hours they spent together somehow felt like a measly 20 minutes to Tsukishima as Yamaguchi called for the waitress before and asked for their bill.

“This was fun, Tsukki. Thanks for inviting me.”

“Yeah. You too. For coming. Do you want a ride back home?”

“Thanks for the offer, but I got it!”

He nodded in acknowledgement and watched at the corner of his eye as Yamaguchi started putting on the pile of winter clothing on the chair next to him. He swallowed down the urge to ask to hang out, remembering what he had said on the phone earlier. He had plans.

Maybe next time, he thought.

*****

“I’m telling you, Animal Crossing is really fun!”

“No, Yamaguchi, it is not.”

“You’re just being mean now!”

Yamaguchi pouted as he stuffed his mouth with the now soggy fries on his tray. Tsukishima wasn’t surprised in the slightest that he still liked them that way.

It had been a few weeks since they first went for lunch, and this too, turned into a somewhat regular thing they did. Both of them were currently on their lunch breaks and Tsukishima had taken them to the closest WcDonald’s.

During their time together Yamaguchi had never been the one to offer spend time together, so Tsukishima always had to take the initiative. When he did, Yamaguchi rarely said no so he guessed it was okay. He also noticed that Yamaguchi still wasn’t that relaxed around him, but he never commented on it. Time. They needed time.

Speaking of time, their lunch breaks were nearly over, he realized as he checked his phone.

“Yamaguchi, we have to leave soon.”

“Yeah, I’m done now. Let’s go.”

On their way to his car, Tsukishima pondered if inviting him to an izakaya his idiot friends liked to frequent. He didn’t drink often, but maybe alcohol would loosen Yamaguchi up some.

“Hey, are you free this saturday afternoon?”

The words spilled from his mouth without him even being able to try to stop them.

“I should be. Why?”

“Well, uh, there’s this izakaya Kuroo and Bokuto frequent, and I thought we could go there together.”

He waited anxiously for an answer as he unlocked the car and started the engine. He didn’t even ask if Yamaguchi drank. He was taking too long to reply, maybe he had been too quick to invite him out to basically drink like this.

“Huh. We never drank together before.”

“I suppose.”

Tsukishima shrugged and conveniently ignored the fact that he was most likely the reason they never did.

“Alright then, Saturday afternoon it is.”

*****

 Yamaguchi looked… nice. He was wearing an oversized white sweater he tucked inside his skinny jeans. The sweater slung off his left shoulder slightly, exposing his freckled skin. He had the same silver pawprint necklace he wore multiple times, and his hair was in a half up half down ponytail, his bangs obscuring his face. He was also holding a beige trench coat in his hands which he probably took off before coming inside.

He raised his hand to make him notice him, and watched a small smile tug at Yamaguchi’s lips when he did. He quickly walked to the table Tsukishima was sitting at, taking his seat across him and setting his bag and trench coat next to him.

“Hi, Tsukki!”

“Hey.”

This close, Tsukishima could see the faint blush on his cheeks weren’t from the cold and the slight gloss to his lips was not because he licked his lips.

“Tsukki, you’re staring…”

“Did you put on makeup?”

He mentally facepalmed himself for being so blunt. Way to go Tsukishima, way to go.

“Uhh… Yes? Do you… not like it?”

“It’s not that. You don’t need it.”

“Huh?”

“You’re okay the way you are.”

It wasn’t a direct answer, but it seemed like Yamaguchi was satisfied. It was an offhanded compliment after all.

Tsukishima used the following silence to take a look at the menu to avoid awkwardness. He saw Yamaguchi do the same from the corner of his eye. A waiter came and took their order a few minutes later, Tsukishima a beer and fried chicken, Yamaguchi also a beer and dumplings.

“I hope I don’t spill anything on this.”

Yamaguchi said after a few more moments of silence, straightening the slightly oversized sweater. He was most likely trying to open a conversation after Tsukishima’s awkward comment on his makeup.

“You have your trench coat to cover it up if you do though.”

“No no, it’s not that! This isn’t actually mine, so…”

He trailed off, picking on a stray thread on the said sweater. Tsukishima raised an eyebrow, prompting him to go on.

“I planned to wear my own white sweater over this but I couldn’t find it, then I remembered Terushima left this in my flat a few weeks ago so I asked him if I could wear it.”

“I… see. You can always wash it if you do.”

Tsukishima stared at the expanse of freckled skin the sweater was putting on display. He was irrationally irritated that the sweater belonged to someone else. Especially since that someone was Yamaguchi’s said best friend.

He normally took pride in being calm and collected, even if his friends were the human embodiments of chaos. Why was it that when it came to Yamaguchi, irrational feelings swept him off his feet?

“S-so, how was your day?”

Once again, Yamaguchi attempted to start another conversation. He probably thought asking him about his day would be safe.

“It was good. Nothing out of the ordinary. Kuroo dropped by in the afternoon but that was it. You?”

“Well, we were short-handed in the clinic so I had to go to work today, but it was great! I got to check up on one of my favourite dogs! I got to go home early after that, so it was convenient too.”

Once the initial awkwardness wore off, they fell into an easy conversation mostly subtly led by Yamaguchi. Talking to him like this was easy. Way easier than Tsukishima thought it would be. But he was getting frustrated of the obvious elephant in the room that they were tiptoeing around.

Yamaguchi was acting like Tsukishima never left all those years ago and broke his heart. Was it easier for him to act like this or was there another reason?

Tsukishima stabbed one of his chopsticks into a piece of fried chicken the second the waitress put it down, earning a curious look from her as she put down Yamaguchi’s food too.

“Here you go, enjoy!”

Yamaguchi smiled awkwardly to the waitress as she walked away and took a small sip from his beer.

“It’s been some time since I last went out for drinks like this!”

“Me too. Last time I did, I had to drag two drunk idiots home and it wasn’t pleasant.”

Tsukishima tapped a finger against the beer glass as Yamaguchi let out a small laugh.

“Sounds troublesome. I think the last time I went out for a drink was to celebrate Hinata and Kageyama winning a game. Yachi and Hinata ended up with pink streaks in their hair and I had three new piercings, so we decided that we’d be taking a break.”

“That’s…  impressive.”

“I know right?”

“That’s even worse than Kuroo and Bokuto, I didn’t think that was even possible.”

“We get very messy when we drink together but you should be safe since it’s just me. I’m not as chaotic when Yachi isn’t there to egg me on.”

Yamaguchi laughed sheepishly and scratched his neck.

“Thank god.”

Tsukishima couldn’t help the small smile that wormed its way to his lips. Inviting Yamaguchi out like this was probably the best thing he’d ever done since they started talking again.

Two glasses of beer for each of them, a shared bottle of sake and a heated argument about hippos versus crocodiles later, Tsukishima was pretty much convinced that this was the most fun evening he’s ever had in a while. Not that he’d ever admit it out loud.

Yamaguchi was much easier to read and much more relaxed once there was a moderate amount of alcohol in his system, Tsukishima found. The lip gloss he was wearing when he first arrived was mostly gone and the flush on his cheeks had become more prominent. He was leaning against his arm which was propped up on the table. His eyes were slightly unfocused, his free hand playing with his necklace.

“Thank you for inviting me tonight, Tsukki. I probably would’ve never find the courage to if you didn’t.”

“Why is that?”

“You know, things aren’t as easy as they were back when we were still in high school. At least not for me…”

He trailed off slightly, tracing his sake cup with a single finger. He looked like he slightly regretted what he said.

“You… might be right.”

“Sometimes I keep wishing that we could turn back time. I think about what more I could’ve done to make you stay.”

Tsukishima shifted in his seat. He was the one who wanted Yamaguchi to talk about how he actually felt but now that he did, the guilt was clawing at his throat. He really did fuck everything up, didn’t he?

“I’m… sorry.”

For a moment, neither of them talked. Tsukishima was stunned at how everything turned upside down in a matter of minutes. He felt as if Yamaguchi had so many things he wanted to say but didn’t.

“Maybe it was my fault for falling in love with you.”

Yamaguchi mumbled, voice barely above a whisper. Tsukishima would’ve missed it if he wasn’t paying close attention. Something squeezed painfully in his chest as he took in Yamaguchi’s pained expression.

“No, Yamaguchi. It was mine for running away.”

Silence settled in between them again. If it wasn’t for the usual noise of the city, the chatter of other people in the izakaya and sounds of glasses being put down on the table Tsukishima would be afraid that Yamaguchi could hear his heart pounding in his chest.

He slid his hand slowly on the table until his fingertips touched Yamaguchi’s. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was something else, Tsukishima didn’t know. All he knew was that he wanted to replace that sad, broken smile on Yamaguchi’s face with a real one.

Yamaguchi lifted his head and stared at where their fingers were touching. He didn’t pull away.

“What are you doing?”

Tsukishima got braver. He interlocked his fingers loosely with Yamaguchi’s.

“Be honest with me. Tell me what’s on your mind. Talk to me, Yamaguchi. Please. I won’t run away this time, no matter what it is. I promise.”

There was no reply, Yamaguchi just hummed with a soft voice, leaning even further onto his arm and closing his eyes. His face relaxed slowly, lips slightly parting.

Pretty. He was so pretty like this.

Since when did he start thinking of Yamaguchi as pretty again? The last time he had that thought was when he was still in high school, unaware of his feelings for his best friend.

The thought had Tsukishima gasping involuntarily and he pulled his hand back on instinct.

“What happened Tsukki?”

Yamaguchi’s eyes opened immediately and met Tsukishima’s own.

“Nothing, it’s just… the last train’s in 15 minutes.”

He lied through his teeth. He was pretty sure Yamaguchi saw straight through his lie. He always did.

“Oh. We better start heading to the station then.”

“Yeah.”

They were silent as they gathered their belongings and paid the bill. Tsukishima wished Yamaguchi would babble about stupid things like he always does so that he could just listen to him and worry about the thought running through his alcohol addled brain the next morning.

He focused all of his attention on the lines of the sidewalk when they started to walk to the station, instead. Their shoulders kept brushing and Tsukishima could feel the pain of an incoming headache.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah. Just a headache.”

Yamaguchi nodded, yawning.

They made it to the station just in time to board the last train. It was mostly empty, just a couple of seemingly drunk teenagers and a man with a suit looking like he was about to die from exhaustion.

They sat next to each other, and Tsukishima was reminded of the times they would go out together back in Miyagi. Yamaguchi was right. Everything was way easier back then.

He barely held in a jolt when Yamaguchi’s head dropped to his shoulder with a soft thud not even five minutes later. He glanced at his face, he was fast asleep.

He sighed defeatedly and decided to not disturb him. They still had a bit of time before Tsukishima was supposed to get off.

He let his head rest as gently as he could on Yamaguchi’s, praying that he wouldn’t wake up. He didn’t. Tsukishima allowed himself this one moment before it inevitably had to end.

His shoulder still tingled with warmth even when he was at home, lying in his bed with too many thoughts swimming around his head.

*****

Tsukishima woke up to the sound of his doorbell ringing like crazy the next morning. He groaned and threw the blanket off of himself, rubbing his eyes as he went and opened the door with zero regards for his safety.

“I thought you died, Tsukki! Why aren’t you answering your phone??”

It was Kuroo. Of course it was Kuroo, that annoying bastard.

“I was sleeping.”

He let out a big yawn for emphasis.

“Well, I brought breakfast?”

Tsukishima sighed and stepped aside to let him in. He wouldn’t pass up free breakfast, especially with the way he was feeling now.

“By the way, you look like you got hit by a truck.”

“I feel like it.”

“Yikes. Wanna talk about it over breakfast?”

The thing about Kuroo was that he always knew how to be actually supportive when needed. He also knew all about what went down between him and Yamaguchi, so maybe talking to him would be good. Not that he had anyone else to talk about it. Bokuto was an option, but that airhead would probably tell him to just go and spill everything to Yamaguchi like he does with Akaashi which he absolutely wouldn’t do. So that only left Kuroo.

“Yeah. Okay. I’m going to go wash up, you can go wait in the kitchen.”

Kuroo just shrugged nonchalantly and went to the kitchen while Tsukishima headed to the bathroom to wash his face. He looked at himself in the mirror, squinting slightly to see without his glasses. He really did look dishevelled. He sighed and went back to his bedroom to retrieve his glasses, finally able to see clearly.

When he went to the kitchen without bothering to change out of his dinosaur pyjamas, Kuroo was making coffee. He plopped himself down on a chair, murmuring a quiet thanks when Kuroo set a mug of coffee down in front of him.

“So? Spill.”

Kuroo silently listened while Tsukishima relayed last night’s events, occasionally sipping on his probably way too hot coffee.

“He sounds like he still feels something for you.”

“Say what now?”

Tsukishima spluttered, choking on the pastry he was munching on.

“It’s just a suggestion. I don’t know Yamaguchi much but that’s not typical friend behaviour. Neither is yours, actually. You two seem to be dancing around each other again.”

“I don’t know, Kuroo. What do I do?”

“Figure out your own feelings first. Look dude, you’re my friend and I love you but don’t hurt him again. He doesn’t deserve it and I’ll be the first one to kick your sorry ass if you mess it up this time too.”

“I know! I know he doesn’t deserve it, he didn’t deserve any of it. It’s just… confusing.”

“Take your time. There’s no rush. Now, eat your food and we’ll watch something. You know, distraction.”

“Sure. Just don’t pick something lame.”

“HEY!”

“You let your guard down.”

Tsukishima shrugged and smirked, but internally he was grateful for the distraction and advice. He’d never admit it out loud, but he really was.

*****

Winter was turning into spring, the biting cold leaving a nice breeze in its’ place. Tsukishima’s journey of figuring his feelings out was still a work in the progress and Yamaguchi wasn’t helping in the slightest. He was guarding his true feelings like his life depended on it and he had refused to go drinking again. However, there were times that he slipped up, and those were the times Tsukishima’s heart did weird flips in his chest.

Ever since his drunken realization that what he feels for Yamaguchi might be more than simple friendship, he started catch on other things he missed before. Like how his heart thumped in his chest when the freckled boy let out a genuine laugh, or how precious he looked when he was talking about an animal he took care of that day.

And like how his throat got clogged up with something that he absolutely would not call jealousy when Terushima, the best friend, was mentioned. Yamaguchi always spoke of him so fondly. Maybe they had something else other than friendship going on between them? Tsukishima refused to even entertain that thought.

He kneeled on the sidewalk and stroked the fur behind Miki’s ears softly. She had been absent for a week or so, but now she was back and meowing for food and attention. Tsukishima had never been a cat person, but for Miki he could make an exception. After all, she was the reason he could make up with Yamaguchi.

He sighed and got up to enter his apartment, despite Miki’s meows of protest. Work had been tiring lately, and all he wanted was to sleep the whole weekend away. He didn’t have plans with anyone, and he didn’t plan on having them. Maybe, just maybe, if it was Yamaguchi then he’d entertain the thought.

…Scratch that. He wanted to have plans with Yamaguchi. Fuck.

It’d been some time since they last went out, it should be fine to call him and ask to hang out. He was still so tired, so maybe he’d ask to hang out at home.

His ringtone playing from his phone interrupted his thoughts, letting him know that he had a message. He contemplated ignoring it, but he quickly banished the thought when he saw the caller ID belonged to Yamaguchi. He hastily accepted the call and brought the phone to his ear, only to hear quiet sniffling.

“Yamaguchi?”

“T-Tsukki.”

Tsukishima really could hear the hurt and strain in his voice. It hurt. He really did not  want Yamaguchi to sound like that.

“What’s wrong? Are you alright?”

 “Can I… can I come over? Please?”

What? Tsukishima was really confused. Yamaguchi was crying, and he was asking to come over. Why? Why him, specifically? Wasn’t his best friend supposed to be Terushima? Guess those were trivial now.

“Of course. Where are you? I’ll pick you up.”

Tsukishima had already grabbed his coat and keys, moving towards the door.

“I can… come by myself. Please. Just send me your address.”

“No. Where are you?”

“….”

“Yamaguchi.”

“In front of the clinic.”

“Alright. I’ll be there in a few, don’t move.”

He quickly hung up and got to his car in record speed. Could Yamaguchi being in front of the clinic mean it was something about work? He drove as fast as he could, probably breaking more than a few of the traffic rules in his hurry to get to Yamaguchi.

When he got there, he spotted the Yamaguchi shaped blob curled in on himself, his back propped on the clinic’s wall. He lifted his head from his knees when he heard the car engine, looking worse for the wear. He got up slowly and entered the car without a single word. Tsukishima could see the dried tear tracks on his freckled cheeks before the dim light of the car went out, leaving them in darkness again.

When Yamaguchi still didn’t say anything, Tsukishima started to drive, deciding that pushing him wouldn’t be the best idea in a situation like this. Their ride back to Tsukishima’s flat was silent, save for the occasional sniffling coming from Yamaguchi.

Parking and getting out of the car was uneventful, up until Miki appeared out of nowhere and started running towards them, meowing. Tsukishima could pinpoint the exact second Yamaguchi’s eyes watered instantly, causing few more tears to drip down his cheeks. Tsukishima made his way over to him, putting a steady hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, let’s go inside.”

He mentally apologized to Miki in his head as he lead them both inside, promising to bring her treats next time. The second the door closed, finally giving the two men privacy, was the moment Yamaguchi truly broke down.

He couldn’t even take a few steps inside the house before his legs gave in and he fell to the floor with a loud thud. Tsukishima winced, quickly kneeling besides him.

“Hey, Yamaguchi. Look at me. What’s wrong?”

“He… he died! I couldn’t save him Tsukki…”

Yamaguchi’s trembling hands clutched onto Tsukishima’s shirt for dear life, as if he was trying to ground himself.

Tsukishima took a second to think before he started to panic. If Yamaguchi was talking about ‘not being able to save him’, would it be safe to assume he was talking about an animal?

“Who?”

He asked, voice way softer than he expected it to be.

“Do you remember the sickly terrier that I told you about?”

“Of course.”

“He… I… I did everything to save him! And he still d-died! On a fucking surgery table, he must’ve been so cold and lonely….”

Tsukishima didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to make anything worse by talking, so he got comfortable on the hard floor and pulled Yamaguchi to his chest. He let him sob quietly into his shirt, whatever little sounds he made muffled by it. He stroked his hair and held his shaking form, all the while trying to ignore the painful stabs to his heart every time Yamaguchi sobbed.

“You tried your best… No one could’ve asked more of you.”

“It still wasn’t enough…”

“It’s okay, shh.”

They sat there for who knows how long, and eventually Yamaguchi’s sobs turned into just barely there sniffles. He was still shivering, but Tsukishima thought that was to be expected.

“I’m… sorry.”

“What for?”

“Bothering you like this. You were… the first one I thought of calling.”

The last part was barely above a whisper and Tsukishima was sure he’d miss It if they weren’t in such close proximity. His heart soared in his chest unwillingly at the thought of Yamaguchi calling him before his best friends.   

“You’re not a bother.”

He mumbled, swiping his thumb to wipe the tear threatening to roll down Yamaguchi’s cheek.

“Thank you Tsukki…”

They sat there for a while even after Yamaguchi went quiet, just basking in each other’s presence. Nothing had ever felt more right than having his arms wrapped around the freckled boy, as if he could protect him from everything. Even though he knew that was impossible, he could surely try.

He squeezed him just a little bit tighter before making up his mind.

“Do you… want to stay over? I don’t want to send you home like this.”

“Ah, I don’t have anything with me though…”

“I can lend you clothes and you can use the shower. You also haven’t eaten yet, right?”

“No… But I--”

“Do you want to?

“What?”

“Do you want to stay over? If you don’t, then I’ll drop you off at your house.”

“….I do.”

Tsukishima felt the corners of his mouth tug up into a smile.

“Good. The bathroom is over there, I’ll arrange towels and clothes for you while you’re showering. That okay?”

“Okay… But--”

“I’ll shower before we go to sleep, it’s okay. Go ahead.”

Tsukishima squeezed the reluctant Yamaguchi in his arms one last time before letting him go, making his way to the bedroom to retrieve clothes that’d fit Yamaguchi and some towels. He had grown over the past years a bit, but his clothes should still somewhat fit Yamaguchi.

He rummaged through his drawer some, picking out everything he needed and made his way to the bathroom. He could hear the sound of water running. He stopped himself before opening the door and knocked on the door loudly to make himself known instead.

“Yamaguchi, I brought towels and clothes, I’m leaving them here.”

“Okay!”

“I’ll wait for you in the kitchen, we should get dinner ready.”

With that, he left the clothes and headed to the kitchen to gather ingredients for something simple. Udon should be good, right? He remembers Yamaguchi mentioning he liked them. Maybe eating something he likes would be good for him.

He gathered the necessary ingredients on the counter after a little bit of search and took out a cutting board, setting the vegetables he picked on it. He started to chop them one by one in quick succession, years of cooking for himself making the process easier. Just as he finished chopping the last bit of the mushroom on the cutting  board, he heard a small voice calling for him coming from the general direction of the hallway.

 “Tsukki?”

Tsukishima whipped his around so fast that he could swear he heard his neck crack, only to see Yamaguchi standing in the doorway, barefoot and t-shirt slightly big enough to expose his left shoulder. His hair was still slightly wet and his bangs were plastered to his face, the towel hung around his neck.

“Anything I can help with?”

“Hmm… You can boil the water, then get the udon packages from the freezer and put them to cook. I can handle the rest myself.”

Yamaguchi nodded with a tired smile and proceeded to do just that, pressing the kettle’s button and digging through his full freezer to find the said packages. He leaned on the counter while he waited for the bottle to boil, a comfortable silence settling between them. Tsukishima had missed this. Being able to sit in silence with Yamaguchi and it not being awkward. It’d been some time since they last had this and it almost made Tsukishima forget what went down between them. Almost.

After a few more quiet minutes, everything was settled into its’ place and the only thing left to do was to wait for the dinner to be cooked. The sight of Yamaguchi stirring udon in his small kitchen was so domestic that Tsukishima was sure it’d give him heart palpitations.

“Here, I think it’s good now. Taste it.”

Yamaguchi was holding chopsticks near his mouth, not even looking at him. Tsukishima was sure that he had a faint blush on his cheeks, so he was glad that Yamaguchi wasn’t looking. He blew on the steaming udon a few times before popping it in his mouth.

“Mmh. It’s done.”

Yamaguchi hummed and closed the oven, finding his embarrassing cat patterned mitten and carrying the pot to the table where they had prepared the bowls and chopsticks beforehand. They sat across each other after they divided the udon into the bowls. Now that Tsukishima could look at Yamaguchi properly he could see his still red-rimmed eyes and overall tired demeanour. He looked so upset and drained, leaving Tsukishima at a total loss on what to do.

Rest of the dinner and the clean-up went just as silent, Tsukishima washing the dishes and Yamaguchi drying them. Only after everything was done and they were sitting in the living room that Yamaguchi let himself slump on the sofa, shoulders hunched as if he wanted to hide.

Tsukishima sat there awkwardly, clasping his hands together tightly as if that would help him understand what to do.  

“Maybe some sleep will do you good, do you want me to show you the guest room?”

“Uh, not yet… Maybe a bit later…”

Yamaguchi smiled dejectedly, one of his hands playing with a strand of slightly wet hair. Tsukishima hummed thoughtfully, reaching for the remote to open the TV.

“Should we see what’s on TV then?”

“Sure…”

After flipping through the channels, they settled on a documentary about space. It was great to see they both still had the same interest in space as they used to. It was obvious that the document had a low budget and it was overall really bad, but at least it gave them something to focus on.

When he turned his head to look at Yamaguchi, he was fast asleep. He was curled up in a ball, leaning on the armrest of the couch. He looked overall uncomfortable, not to mention his face which was scrunched up in distaste.

Tsukishima switched off the TV and approached Yamaguchi slowly in order to not wake him up. He didn’t want to interrupt his sleep but he looked so uncomfortable that it was obvious he’d be sore and in pain in the morning.

With a deep sigh, he hooked his arms under Yamaguchi, careful not to jostle him too much and lifting him up. He was lighter than he expected and Tsukishima didn’t have much trouble carrying him to the guest room. He barely managed to lift the covers without moving Yamaguchi too much and situated the boy in his arms in the bed.

“Tsukki..?”

“Yes, it’s me. Go back to sleep.”

Tsukishima placed one hand on his forehead, brushing his bangs back while Yamaguchi wriggled around in the bed to settle, eyes closing. For some reason, Tsukishima couldn’t pry his eyes away. His sleeping form was even prettier than he remembered.

After making sure Yamaguchi was asleep again, he made his way to take his own shower. He crouched under the warm spray, letting the water wash away his own tiredness. His mind kept wandering to the boy sleeping soundly in his guest room. Tsukishima had been scared out of his mind when he called him, crying. Did it make him selfish that he was glad he was the one to take care of him during a vulnerable time like this?

He wanted to go back to his guest room, crawl in the bed next to Yamaguchi, hold him close and tell him it’s all going to be okay.

Fuck. He was in love with Yamaguchi.

*****

“Kuroo?”

“What?”

“I’m in love with Yamaguchi.”

Kuroo let out a triumphant yell, bumping his shoulder with his fist.

“Congrats on realizing, dude! Even Bokuto was aware. We were just waiting for you to catch up!”

Tsukishima choked on the coffee he was drinking, eyes open wide with surprise.

“What?!”

“Yeah, you were really obvious.”

He sighed and rubbed his temples, all of this was already giving him a headache.

“What should I do now?”

“Well, you can either confess or run away like a coward again. I don’t recommend the latter, I’ll kick your sorry ass to the moon if you do.”

“What if he doesn’t feel the same?”

“I assure you he does. Even if he doesn’t, I’m sure he won’t do what you did.”

Tsukishima cringed, Kuroo was right. This was Yamaguchi, always so kind and patient.

“Alright. I’m going to do it, but you’re helping me.”

“You got it blondie!”

Tsukishima sighed, letting Kuroo tug him by his arm. He had a feeling that Kuroo wasn’t going to let this go until he confessed, one way or the other. Maybe it wasn’t so bad to rely on this absolute blockhead every once in a while.

*****

“Wow, the stars are so beautiful tonight, isn’t it such a nice coincidence?”

Tsukishima knew. It was why he picked today of all days, after all.

“Yeah, it really is.”

“Thanks for bringing us here, I never knew somewhere like this existed in Tokyo.”

Tsukishima smiled, all genuine and happy. Even though he was nervous, he kept calming himself by saying that Yamaguchi wouldn’t abandon him like he did.

They were both laying side by side on the blanket neatly laid out blanket on the ground, Yamaguchi happily pointing out the constellations he could make out. The slight breeze kept messing up his bangs no matter how much he kept brushing them back and he finally laughed in defeat.

“I give up, I should’ve brought a hair clip or something.”

Tsukishima nodded, sitting up suddenly. They had already been here for a while, and he knew that if he didn’t confess now he wouldn’t have the courage to.

Yamaguchi sat up right after him, looking at him with curious eyes.

 “Tsukki?”

He just stared at his face, taking in his pretty freckles and the reflection of the stars in his eyes. He almost looked angelic in the soft glow of the moonlight.

“I need to tell you something.”

“Yes?”

Tsukishima clenched and unclenched his fist. Why was this so nerve-wracking? Was this how Yamaguchi had felt when he confessed before?

 “I love you.”

There. He said it. He turned his head away, he couldn’t look at his face, not like this.

“Tsukki, look at me.”

His voice was so soft and caring, and since when could he resist Yamaguchi? He looked at him, only to see that he was just smiling sweetly.

“I love you too.”

“What?”

“Yeah. I don’t think I ever stopped… Though I was too scared to do anything...”

Tsukishima’s whole world came to an abrupt stop. Yamaguchi was still looking at him, pupils blown wide and a smile on his lips. He didn’t know what possessed him but he leaned closer, closing the gap between them until their lips were almost touching. Yamaguchi closed the rest of the distance between them, cupping his face and kissing Tsukishima sweetly. The kiss was chaste and soft and Tsukishima felt like his heart was going to burst.

When they pulled apart, Tsukishima put his hand on Yamaguchi’s on his cheek, stroking it slowly with his thumb.

“Thank you… for giving me another chance.”

“Always, Tsukki. Always.”

They kissed again, this time more passionately. They had lost so much time, but now they were together and Tsukishima would do everything to keep his promise and make Yamaguchi happy.

He was scared, but with Yamaguchi by his side he was sure that everything would be alright.