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~ * ~
Impatient.
Excited.
Scared out of his mind.
Those were the emotions Steve felt as he sat in the cab that was bringing him home from the airport.
The last time he’d found himself there, same road but opposite direction, the prevailing emotion had been fear.
Of the unknown.
Of having made the wrong decision.
Of being about to embark on a journey that would not give him what he needed.
Now, eight months later, he was back with enough peace of mind to acknowledge that leaving had healed him more than he thought it would, and that he was ready to go back to his life with renewed hope for his future.
He stared out the window, taking in the view of the island he called home. The place that no matter how far away he went, always lured him back. The sun was about to dip into the ocean, and the sky was a canvas of red, purple and dark hues.
Steve’s spirit soared at the sight.
He checked his watch, smiling to himself when he realized everything was going according to plan. He had exactly three hours before finally seeing the person he’d missed the most during those long months of travel.
They’d stayed in touch –of course they had, exchanging phone calls and text messages and pictures. Steve had shared as much as he was emotionally able to, Danny had updated him on everyone’s lives. Sometimes only for a couple of minutes; other times, with their phones on speaker, for as long as the other needed.
Both had held back information, Danny failing to disclose that he’d moved back into his own place, and Steve choosing not to tell him he was coming back so that he could surprise him.
Learning that his best friend was no longer staying at his house had shocked him at first, until he’d put himself in Danny’s shoes and realized he would’ve done the same thing. Living with ghosts wasn’t easy. He knew all about it.
An idea had started off from that revelation, a plan to make up for the way he had left and what he had put him through. Reinvigorated, Steve had enlisted Junior’s help to make sure he’d have enough time to prepare everything before they met.
He turned to look out the window again, biting his bottom lip as his leg started bouncing up and down.
Even after ten years, he still got butterflies in his stomach over Danny. For various reasons, some of which he’d never spared a second thought, but especially now that he wasn’t sure how the man would react.
When the cab pulled into his driveway, Steve’s heart started to beat faster.
There he was, in a house he had missed and hated at the same time.
He grabbed his duffel bag and got out of the car, pausing briefly to pay the driver before heading down the stone walkway towards the front porch.
That day, in his haste to get away, he had barely glanced back. Now, he deliberately slowed his pace, pausing every couple of steps to take in every detail, every new leaf that had sprouted, every flower that had blossomed while he wasn’t there.
Yes, he nodded, smiling to himself.
It was good to be back.
With nothing but relief and a joy he hadn’t felt in months, Steve inserted the key into the lock and stepped inside the house.
It felt as if he had never left.
He barely had time to focus on that before Eddie came running down the stairs, tail wagging madly and barking in excitement. Unprepared, Steve ended up on the floor and for the next several minutes, all he could see was a blur of caramel fur as his affectionate, loving, enthusiastic dog showed him exactly how much he’d missed him.
“Good boy,” he said when he finally managed to get back on his feet. “I missed you too. I promise I’m never going to leave you again.”
Eddie barked again in approval, growing even more excited as Steve praised him.
“Did you look after Danno like I asked? Huh?” He scratched behind the Labrador’s ears, eliciting another pleased woof. “You did? That’s good, buddy, I appreciate it.”
Grabbing the duffel bag that had been discarded by the door, he slung it over his shoulder. “See, Danno’s coming over tonight so I have something very important to do and I need you to help me out, all right? Come on, let’s go upstairs so we can get ready.”
Half an hour later, freshly showered and shaved, Steve walked into the kitchen to find groceries on the counter and a fully stoked fridge courtesy of Junior who had gone out of his way to get him everything he needed.
There was a... lightness in his steps that wasn’t there before. A serenity in his heart at the thought of being back where he belonged. Not that he had magically healed during his time away from the island. No. That was only going to happen with time and therapy.
Yet something had changed during those long months away.
He had put himself first, and had begun to heal.
That shift of perspective had lifted some of the weight off his shoulders and helped him set his priorities straight.
He now knew what he needed, and what were the necessary steps to achieve it.
But none of that mattered if he didn’t have Danny at his side, which was why it was important that their upcoming reunion went well.
There was a possibility that his plan could backfire, and that his surprise wouldn’t be appreciated. Steve knew it. Danny could be... intense at times, and had said it loud, more than once, that he didn’t believe running away would solve anything. He had avoided looking Steve in the eyes when they’d said ‘I love you’ on the beach and sometimes, while they talked on the phone, his tone lowered and he became quiet as if the whole situation was hurting him more than he let on.
So yeah, there was a chance that Danny still resented him. For walking out on him, staying away so long, and not telling him he was coming back.
Steve didn’t feel guilty for leaving. One more day on the island and his PTSD would’ve pushed him past the point of no return. It was how he’d done it, the panic-induced rush he wanted to apologize for. Danny needed to know he was sorry for abandoning him when he needed him the most.
Donning his old ‘SEALs do it better’ apron and nodding to himself in a self-reassuring gesture, he started to put the groceries away so that he could focus on dinner.
There was no beating Danny Williams when it came to cooking. The man had skills and a lineage he would never be able to compete with. But Steve had become a pretty good cook over the years, and he had yet to find one person who hadn’t moaned in delight after trying his homemade Chantilly cake with macadamia nuts.
Plus, he’d learned a few tricks during his travels that he couldn’t wait to use.
Giving the task his undivided attention, he spent the next two hours putting together a full-course meal that he hoped they would enjoy together. Then, while the cake was in the oven, the salad in the fridge and the pasta ready to be cooked, he moved to the dining room to set the table.
He was folding the napkins when he heard someone come in the front door.
Eddie, who had not let Steve out of his sight and was curled by John McGarrett’s desk, immediately jumped to attention and ran to the other room, barking in excitement.
“Hey, buddy, what’s up? You happy to see me?”
Steve’s heart skipped a beat as he heard his best friend’s voice.
For the first time in eight months, there was no phone or countless miles separating them.
A mix of fear and excitement took hold of him and he took a few calming breaths before dropping the napkins on the table and following the dog to the living room.
“I know, I know, I’m sorry we left you all alone,” Danny continued, unaware that his partner was standing just a few feet from him until the smell coming from the kitchen caught his attention. “Wait, what is this? Eddie, is Junior home? Why’d he ask me to come feed you if he—”
They both stilled when they saw each other.
Danny’s eyes widened and he blinked a few times as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing.
“You’re back.”
“I am,” Steve replied, stuffing his hands into his jeans pockets and giving him a small smile. “I, uh... I wanted to surprise you.”
He saw the moment his friend’s face hardened and a mask of blankness covered the surprise.
“Well, mission accomplished. Color me surprised.”
There was an uneasy feeling in the pit of Steve’s stomach that he couldn’t quite pinpoint. The smile slipped from his face and he started to shift from one foot to the other wanting to say something, anything, but not knowing what. When he had imagined their reunion, he never thought it would be this awkward. It was like they were suddenly two strangers, and what came natural before felt now unnaturally strained.
Was it his fault for leaving?
Had eight months of separation ruined ten years of friendship?
Silence fell over the room as he took a moment to study his partner. Danny had lost weight, and there were lines on his face that hadn’t been there before, along with a general weariness that seemed to weigh him down. His black t-shirt hung loose over his torso, and when he leaned over to pet Eddie it looked like either his back or his chest was bothering him.
A muscle in Steve’s jaw twitched.
They had reassured him, multiple times, that Danny was fine and had recovered from his wounds, but seeing him with his own eyes gave those reassurances a whole new perspective.
“You look good,” Danny said, interrupting his train of thought. He had been apparently studying him too. “Do you feel better?”
Steve couldn’t figure out the expression on his friend’s face but there was fondness in his voice and he relaxed a bit.
“I do. I didn’t think it would but going away actually helped.”
“Good,” Danny nodded, running a hand through his hair.
Their eyes met and they awkwardly stood there for what felt like an interminable period of time, each waiting for the other to say something until Eddie reminded them of his presence with a bark, breaking their focus.
“I’m, uh... supposed to take him for a walk.” Danny said, pointing to the dog who had sprinted towards the dining room to sit by the lanai door, waiting to be let outside.
Steve rubbed the back of his neck, feeling a tension he never thought he’d feel around his best friend and unsure of what to do. Before he left, Danny would have made himself at home, heading right to the kitchen to get himself a beer or digging into his freezer for his secret stash of chocolate.
“No need to. It was—”
Just a ruse to make sure you’d come.
“What’s this?” Danny asked as he walked past Steve to follow Eddie to the other room.
Right.
Dinner.
Danny had seen the table, with its fancy plates and folded napkins.
Steve glanced nervously at him then cleared his throat. “I, uh... I made dinner. For you. For us.”
Once again, Danny’s expression turned from impressed to somber in a matter of seconds. He tried to hide it by walking even further away to let Eddie out but couldn’t help the bitter remark that slipped past his lips.
“Wow... silverware and all. One might think you’re making up for something here...”
The words felt like a punch in the gut and a flicker of hurt flashed across Steve’s face.
“Danny, I...”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it,” Danny said with genuine remorse.
Steve ran a hand down his face, feeling all the guilt he’d carried in the last few months hit him full force once again. “It’s okay if you did. I know I messed up.”
“It’s not that, Steve. I’m not mad about you leaving. I was the one who suggested that you took some time for yourself, remember?”
“Yeah.”
He had waited eight months for this, planned out exactly what he was going to say, but now that they were finally here, in the same room, all those words seemed suddenly out of reach.
Nonetheless, he soldiered on. Gathered his thoughts and took a deep breath.
“Look, Danny…” he tried, only to stop a moment later when words eluded him again. “I’m sorry.” His voice cracked a little, choked with emotion, and he bowed his head. “Not for leaving, but for the way I did. I wasn’t thinking straight.”
“I know,” Danny acknowledged. “Steve. Look at me. I know. I knew it back then, and I know it now. You needed to leave, I wasn’t gonna stop you.”
Steve’s eyes cautiously shifted up to meet Danny’s.
“Did it hurt? It did. I felt abandoned by the only person I gave a damn about other than my children, and it took months to even try to get over that but it was my problem, alright? I wasn’t gonna burden you like I didn’t burden you when I wasn’t sleeping at night after your diagnosis.”
As another blow struck, it took a few seconds for Steve to collect himself. While he was aware that leaving had hurt Danny, seeing the magnitude of it reflected back at him was devastating.
Completely lost as to what to do he continued to stand quietly, waiting for the other man to continue.
“Look, I am genuinely happy that you’re back and that you’re feeling better,” he heard as Danny pulled up one of the chairs and sat at the dining table, pinning him with a deep, intense stare. “I just think it’s going to take some time to go back to what we had… before.”
He was expecting that. Dreading it in fact. Didn’t mean he wasn’t going to fight for it, but he didn’t want to push Danny into something he clearly wasn’t ready for. He had to accept that and give his friend some breathing space to work through his conflicting emotions.
“Okay,” he said softly.
His carefully prepared speech had gone out the window, at least for the time being. Steve was about to acknowledge that out loud when the smoke alarm in his kitchen started to wail.
“Shit!” he cursed.
He’d completely forgotten about the skillet on the stove.
Danny jumped from the chair and they both rushed to the kitchen as Eddie started to howl in sync with the offending sound.
Wisps of smoke were rising from the completely burned pan. Muttering a few more expletives, Steve wrapped a hand around the handle and carried it to the sink, dropping it and turning the faucet on. The acrid fumes stung his eyes, making him cough, and he barely ducked out of the way of the fresh smoke and steam that sizzled as the overheated skillet met the water.
While Danny opened the windows and the back door to get some air in, Steve grabbed a broom and stabbed the smoke alarm until the cover fell off, letting the battery out and finally stopping the wail.
Once the commotion was over, he leaned back against the sink and looked at his friend who was staring back with an amused expression on his face.
“I’m sorry, this is not...” he started, giving him a sheepish look. “This is not what I had in mind for my... for our first night together. I had a whole meal planned, and then I was going to explain some of the things that happened to me...”
Danny didn’t reply, but the incident had apparently lightened the mood and there was a spark in his eyes that wasn’t there before. Steve took it as a good sign. He walked over to the fridge and took two beers out, handing one to his friend.
“What was that?” Danny asked, pointing to the charred remains in the sink.
“Chicken. With rosemary, capers and olives. I took this cooking class while I was in Italy and we made it for lunch. Couldn’t wait for you to try it…” Steve finished, a tone of regret in his voice.
Danny stared into his beer for a few seconds then looked back up at him.
“Did you find the peace you were looking for?”
“Part of it, yeah. I learned to put myself first and… it felt good. I’d never done it before.”
For once, he had gotten to decide what he wanted. After decades of caring about literally everyone else, he had found the courage to recognize what he needed and go along with it. It might have been poorly executed it, but it was his choice and he had benefited from it, even if he now had to live with the consequences of it.
He saw something in Danny’s gaze shift at the words. It became softer, kinder, as if everything wasn’t completely lost and there was hope to mend whatever he’d broken.
“Wanna help with the pasta?” he suggested in a hopeful tone.
Danny rolled his eyes, pretending to be irritated, but didn’t look mad at all. “‘Course I will,” he replied as he moved over to the sink and started washing his hands. “You can’t even be trusted with making me dinner so I’m gonna have to do it myself.”
There it was.
The banter.
The thing that had always defined them.
Before, Steve would’ve risen to the bait. Instead he nodded and turned around, pretending to search for something into one of the cabinets to carefully hide the smile spreading across his face.
~ * ~
With the chicken charred beyond recognition and a kitchen that smelled like house fire, what was left of Steve’s carefully-planned meal consisted of Meyer lemon fettuccine — a dish Mary had prepared for him in California —, a salad, and the Chantilly cake that had thankfully made it out of the oven unscathed.
Danny, unable to just be a mere supervisor when it came to cooking, took matters into his own hands and made the pasta following Steve’s recipe but adding a few touches of his own that he was adamant would make it even better. More than happy to hand over the reins, Steve stayed on salad duty and finished setting up the table.
They worked mostly in silence, although the atmosphere wasn’t as heavy as before.
Danny knew that the words he’d said had made Steve miserable, and yet he didn’t regret them. Those long and painful months of grieving from his absence, figuring out how that was going to change his life, couldn’t be forgotten at the drop of a hat.
Barely able to move, facing weeks of physical and respiratory therapy, he’d all but begged Steve to stay, hoping he would at least postpone his plans long enough for him to be independent. When Steve had left anyway with fucked-up excuses about his father’s murder being the only reason he’d stayed and no reassurances that he would even be back, Danny had felt a betrayal that nearly rivaled his feelings after Rachel had told him Charlie was his son.
He expected deception from her, but Steve was the last person he thought would behave like that. Even at the mercy of a raging PTSD and haunted by ghosts, he should’ve known better than to leave him on a beach he still couldn’t look at the same way.
“Why’d you move back to your place?”
Steve’s voice pulled him from his trance and he realized he was unconsciously rubbing the spot where the bullet had hit.
“You were gone, what was the point?” Danny flicked his glance back and forth between Steve and the water boiling in the pot. “It wasn’t the same. I was hurt and angry and I hated the look Junior gave me every time he saw me. I couldn’t stay here anymore.”
“Does it still hurt?”
“What?”
Steve raised one arm, pointing to the other man’s chest.
“Sometimes. Turns out I’m not as young as I pride myself to be.”
There was a sharp intake of breath, and then words whispered so low Danny barely heard them.
“They told me you were okay...”
The words triggered an unexpected surge of anger. Unaffected by the guilt written all over Steve’s face and the fact that he’d purposefully started to wipe down the counter to avoid looking at him, Danny landed another blow.
“I am. Most of the time. Not like you would’ve dropped everything and come back if I wasn’t...”
Steve stilled, dropping the rag he was using to clean. Eyes wide with shock and disbelief, this time he made sure to catch his friend’s gaze and hold it.
“How can you say that? Of course I would have!”
“Didn’t stop you the first time,” Danny shrugged. The exchange reminded him of the days after the liver transplant, when he had accused Steve of not being as generous knowing full well that it was a lie.
He watched the guilt on his partner’s face morph into something dangerously close to rage and actually winced when Steve moved closer, crossing his arms over his chest.
“It’s me, Danny! It’s me!” he cried out, choking on the words and gulping down air in an effort to maintain control. “You know I care about you! You’re the person I care about the most in the whole damn world!”
“Then why’d you leave me?” Danny countered, equally loud, arms now splayed to emphasize his question. “I’ve been your best friend for ten years, I have literally given you all I could possibly give, and it still felt like that wasn’t enough to keep you here. That I wasn’t enough!”
Steve deflated as if he’d suddenly lost all the strength to keep himself upright.
“Danny, no...” His hand searched for the nearest surface until it found the kitchen island and haphazardly landed on it. “That’s not true. I had to leave! You got hurt because of me and I couldn’t deal with that on top of my other… issues. That conversation on the beach... I told you, I wasn’t thinking straight, man. That was me panicking and grasping at straws.”
Out of left field, a lump lodged in Danny’s throat. He pursed his lips, swallowing around it as Steve went on.
“When we talked about me going away for a while, I didn’t have a plan for it. I mean, I knew I had to go but it wasn’t going to be sudden. Then Wo Fat’s wife came into the picture and after what she did to you and how close I came to losing you too I felt like… I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I basically ran away.”
Danny nodded. He remembered the look on Steve’s face when he had woken up in the hospital, the utter despair that had prompted him to put his own pain aside and joke about people usually being happy when a patient wakes up.
“I get that, Steve. I really do. I just… I guess I needed to say that out loud.”
“It’s alright, I deserve it. Like I said, I apologize for the way I left.”
The distress was palpable in Steve’s tone. It had always been in his nature to fix things —and to some extent, people— and he was trying his damnedest to fix the one thing that truly mattered to him.
“This… isn’t a bribe or apology dinner,” he added when his gaze landed on the salad, gesturing to the food they were preparing. “I’m just happy to be back and I wanted to share that with you.”
A small smile played around Danny’s lips, once again softening his features.
Steve missed it. His head was down and his jaw was tight as he appeared to be struggling with his emotions. “I can’t lose you, Danny,” he admitted quietly after a few moments of silence. “I just—I just can’t.”
“You’re not losing me. I’m not going anywhere.” Resolve crumbling, Danny turned off the stove and leaned his hands on the island countertop. As much as he tried, he couldn’t stay mad at Steve, especially when he was reminded of all the ways his friend had been damaged by events and people in his life. “I’m right here, babe, and we’re both going to be fine. I’m just gonna need some time, all right?”
Steve nodded. “Take all the time you need.”
His eyes were suspiciously bright, but even after everything Danny had said to him, he was looking at him like there was no one in the world that mattered more. It made Danny’s heart swell with love and thud uncomfortably at the same time.
Yes, Steve had messed up, but Danny was damn happy to have him back.
He walked up to him and pulled him into an embrace. “Welcome home, buddy,” he said as he wrapped his arms around him. “I missed you.” It was a fierce, warm hug that said that everything Danny was —body, mind, and soul— belonged to Steve, so different from the one they’d exchanged on the beach that day.
Steve readily leaned into it. “I missed you too.”
His body was so familiar... he way it moved, the smell of it, even the sound of his heart beating. Danny was feeling that and so much more as he held him close, lean and hard muscle against his own, and he felt awake somehow, more alive than he had in months.
It felt... right.
Danny let his own body sag, all his negative feelings slowly fading as they stood there quietly for a while.
It was them. Since day one, it had always been the two of them against the world. They were in this together whether he liked it or not, whether the warm feeling spreading across his chest was affection or the fragile beginnings of love.
Steve was home, and Danny felt finally complete.
“Don’t leave again,” he whispered as his arms clenched him tighter.
“I’ll never leave you again, I promise.” Steve replied, voice thick with emotion. “I’m sorry, man. I never meant to hurt you.”
Still pressed against his chest, Danny nodded before patting him on the back and pulling away from the embrace.
“So, tell me about this recipe you wanted me to try…” he said, waving a hand in the general direction of the sink.
Steve raised his eyebrows. “Seriously?”
“Yeah, seriously. I mean, if this amazing Italian recipe really exists I need to know about it.”
A brilliant grin flashed across Steve’s face.
“Alright, okay. You take the chicken, and you sprinkle it with rosemary, pepper and salt. Then you put some extra virgin olive oil —you should’ve tasted it, Danny, it was out of this world! I think I gained five pounds just from that— into a skillet and brown it on both sides before adding white wine, olives and capers and letting it simmer…”
His voice rumbled on, low and soothing, and as the words blurred in Danny’s ears he found himself watching, mesmerized, his friend’s eyes going soft with remembrance and the expression on his face —content, relaxed and happy like he had never seen before.
“Hey, Steve,” he said with a fond smile. He loved this man. With all his flaws, with everything he had. “Apology noted and accepted.”