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When Neil looked out into the crowd and caught eyes with Lola Malcom he knew his time was up. The zero on his phone had already warned him but he hadn’t wanted to believe it, sharing kisses with Andrew on the tour bus had been a distraction from the inevitable though. Today was the day he would die; possibly. He knew his father might take a few days to torture him but today was certainly the end of Neil Josten.
The band were almost finished their set, tens of thousands had come to see The Monster tonight, Neil thought it was a good end at least. He turned to see Romero standing in the wing, handgun poised to shoot at Andrews head if Neil decided to run. He wouldn’t run, he couldn’t risk his family.
As the set came to an end Neil’s fingers stilled on the guitar and he moved toward the middle of the stage before Nicky could start wrapping up the concert. He had a promise to keep to Kevin and this was the only way he knew how.
He bought a hand up to the microphone and began to speak.
‘He guys,’ the audience screamed in response, Nicky just looked confused since Neil didn’t usually talk at concerts. He didn’t try and do anything to stop him though. ‘You have been such an amazing audience tonight so I thought we could give you one final song.’ Neil turned his head to the right to look at Kevin who was staring hard at him. ‘This is something new I have been working on, it’s very special to me and means a lot. I really hope you like it. This is To All My Friends.’ Kevin’s eyes impossibly widened, they had planned this moment.
Neil had promised that when his father’s men came he would find a way to warn Kevin, to tell him to be careful, to tell him goodbye. Kevin gave him a jerky nod before going to the wing and getting the music sheets he had been carrying for months. They didn’t know when this day would come it had been inevitable for some time though. The countdown may have been a warning but it wasn’t a certainty. Lola always did like to play games. Kevin handed the music to a confused looking Nicky and Aaron as well as an apathetic Andrew.
Neil could see Matt, Dan, Renee, and Alison in the wig looking excited if a little skeptical. He hoped they wouldn’t get in the way, he didn’t want them hurt.
Andrew caught his eye as he handed his guitar off of a stage hand, he raised an eyebrow but Neil just shrugged and looked away. He was scared his eyes would say to much. Let Andrew know his fear and tell Andrew things he wasn’t ready to her. He didn’t want to hurt Andrew by letting him know now that their ‘nothing’ was everything to him. It would be nothing in a few hours anyway, exactly the same as Neil Josten had always been.
He turned back to the Mic took a breath and sang, the first word echoing around the stadium and the audience waited, hardly breathing. Kevin soon followed on the piano.
A thief in the night came
Took everything you gave for him
This song isn’t low, lady
It’s remembering love made in the summer
Neil heart fluttered at the words, these past months had been the best of his life. He had found so much, found a home, an identity, a family. Found the people he wanted to stay with, to love.
Nicky and Kevin came in on the backing vocals, Andrew on the drums as Neil began again.
But I think of the things that he taught me
I learned that there's beauty I can't keep
He looked at Kevin, willing him to see the Thankyou in his eyes, for all the night practices, the faith, even all the nagging. For teaching his how music could be more than something he threw himself into as a last ditch attempt to live. He might play like he had nothing to lose but music had given him everything and Kevin had given him that opportunity, the chance for a moment to be real.
Learned that there's demons in stories
Lettin' him down, no, I won't be
Whenever he’s callin', he'll call me
Angry and seethin' as the sea
Neil already knew how angry Andrew would be with him, for knowing this was coming, for not telling the truth. He had known when he wrote the song the anger Andrew would feel but he didn’t regret keeping him safe. Neil had written this song the night Andrew had first kissed him, Andrew had told him that he didn’t need Neil’s protection, told him that he wasn’t his answer but Neil knew that he would give anything to make sure no one ever hurt Andrew again even if that was at his own expense.
Songs in cathedrals in month three
Promise you'll smile off a memory
Andrews locked eyes with him, remembering the first time they had sung together. The shadows of the moon they could see through the broken roof of the cathedral, the way their voices had bounced off the walls as they duetted. It was when Neil had first begun to understand what he felt for Andrew, he hoped Andrew would remember it as fondly as he did. He stressed the word promise hoping he would understand. He knew Andrew would keep his promises.
And I, I, I
Couldn't stop smilin', like, the whole way home
And yeah, it should feel like somethin' you were missin'
He could feel the ghost of Andrews finger turning his cheek away, just as it had that night. Neil had been staring at him a soft smile on his face, he thought he saw one on Andrews to, just a hint of something maybe not happy but content.
To all my friends
You'll find your way
Some summer night, I hope I see you again
He had to look back at the crowd, he thought Andrew might see the truth in his eyes. He knew he would never see them again, never have Renee’s knowing eyes on him, Matts smile. He knew Nicky would love that he could finally call them friends though, even if they were more than that to him now.
All my friends
I'd love to stay
Some summer night, I hope I see you again
Dan ruffling his hair flashed in his mind, Wymack’s harsh but genuine words. The late night drives with Andrew. Even the video games with Aaron.
Aaron began to use the MPC pad before Neil sang again, creating the trumpets that began to echo around the arena as the song built.
Lookin' up lately
The moon doesn't chase me no more
Before it was childlike
Lost in the soft light, and so on
And so on
And I, I, I
Couldn't stop smilin', like, the whole way home
And yeah, it should be when he read out all he'd written
Neil remembered that night, the beach as Andrew shared his lyrics. Showing more emotion in the words he said than Neil had ever heard from him, even though his voice remained as apathetic as ever it had meant something more. Neil’s head on his shoulder and Andrews arm around him as he read. Their ‘nothing’ was the closest thing to home Neil had ever felt. It was safe. He didn’t want to let it go.
To all my friends
You'll find your way
Some summer night, I hope I see you again
All my friends
I'd love to stay
Some summer night, I hope I see you again
They would be okay without him, Neil knew it. He wished he could see it through. See Alison truly recover after Seth’s death. See Renee get to go the peace corps and see Matt and Dan have the kid they wanted. For Aaron to get through medical school and Nicky to get to live with Erik in Germany. For Kevin to be truly free of Riko and for Andrew. He wanted Andrew to be happy, to find something or someone who made him feel. Someone safe and permanent, someone Neil wished he could be. Someone who wasn’t made of lies and forgotten identities. Someone who understood and cared. Who understood his yesses and no’s and never went against them. Someone who could be permanent.
The smell of rain and streetlight thrown
A love, a lantern in the snow
But when he feels it taking hold
Finds it so hard lettin' go
How can I tell him that we'll shine?
I dread the devil who has shown
So damn reluctant to expose it to me, so yeah
Nicky and Kevin built up the backing lyrics again as Aaron’s fingers flew over his set, keeping up with a song as if he had played it a thousand times. Kevin looked at Neil again, understanding in his eyes, he knew Neil was scared. Scared of the devil who had come for him. He knew that Kevin couldn’t save him but he hoped that he would at least be able to tell Andrew why he couldn’t. It was hard to leave.
So I think of the things that they taught me
He starts to think evil has lost me
I walked with the wolves and it haunts me
He steps with intention to run free
Andrew had given him so much freedom, made him believe it was possible to live. Offering him protection from a threat he could not face and win, yet Neil knew he would have tried. He would have fought at his own expense if he had to. The deal was broken though, Neil had made him end it. He hoped it would hurt Andrew less if he didn’t feel as though he had failed.
So stunner don't ever move softly
You've been on a journey they can't see
When dancing in ballrooms, you will lead
Promise you'll smile off a memory
He had turned back to Andrew again. Every person at the foxhole studio had a journey, one that had shaped them into who they were now. The audience where watching them all, unknowing of what they had been though but enthralled by every second. Neil could hear the emotion in his voice. More than he had ever let through before. He saw the confusion buried under blankness in Andrews eyes at the raw emotion on Neil’s face, even had he continued to play the drums his eyes never left Neil’s.
And I, I, I
Couldn't stop smilin', like, the whole way home
And yeah, it should feel like something you were missin'
Andrew would remember every moment between them, even if Neil were missing he would have the memory of them together. It wouldn’t be the same but Neil hoped it would be enough. He turned and looked at every member of his family, caught all their eyes. As he began the final chorus the stage went silent save for his voice and the piano
To all my friends
You'll find your way
Some summer night, I hope I see you again
Nicky began on the guitar as Neil looked at them all for a final time,
All my friends
I'd love to stay
Some summer night, I hope I see you again
He knew they would understand, even if it took a while. Even if they hated him for it. Hated him for saying goodbye like this. It was all he could give them and he hoped that it would be enough.
The smell of rain and streetlight thrown
A love, a lantern in the snow
But when he feels it takin' hold
Finds it so hard lettin' go
How can I tell him that we'll shine?
Don’t dreads the devil's yet to show
What I told you when
That I told you when
As he held the last note he gave a smile to Andrew. The crowd erupted and Neil turned to them, the band gave a bow. He heals the mic a final time, looked at Andrew and said
‘Thank you. You were amazing.’
The lights dimmed and the band began to move off stage, Neil moving towards the back wing and into the clutches of Romero. The crowd were pushing against the barriers and the riot began. The band was already safe in the wings though, they wouldn’t be hurt. Neil was pushed toward the back exit and out into the night, a gun at his back as he was escorted into the passenger seat of the car.
He knew he wouldn’t get out of this alive but at least he knew he had done all he could to say goodbye.