Work Text:
It was simple. He had been searching for a new place to live after his former roommate Eren started having a breakdown of sorts. Weird internet forums were changed him as a person, and eventually Jean couldn't take it anymore. It had taken some time to look for a new arrangement under Eren's nose, but eventually he found something that would work.
The rent was cheap. The only drawback was the roommate was chronically ill and was going to need help taking care of himself.
But the day Jean met Reiner, he'd been impressed. Reiner's apartment was impeccably clean, and just from looking at him Jean wouldn't have guessed that he was sick. But illnesses could be invisible, and Jean wasn't going to pry too much right off the bat. Reiner's medical business was his own. The only real rules that Reiner had was keep the apartment clean, don't go into his room, and help him out if needed.
And Reiner was a great roommate! He was nice, clean, friendly but not invasive into Jean's personal life, and a great cook. Oddly enough, there weren't very many knick-knacks or pictures that offered a glimpse into Reiner's personal life at all. Curiously, he also always wore a turtle pendant with a beautiful green diamond in the shell. Jean had noticed the golden band on Reiner's ring finger, but there wasn't ever a comment about it from his new roommate. Reiner absolutely lived by himself, that was for sure. One day, though, Jean couldn't handle the curiosity.
"Reiner?" Jean was comfortably leaning back into the sofa. Reiner was leaning back into the recliner and was reading a book. Reiner glanced up and put his glasses to the side. "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure. What's up?" Jean glanced at the book Reiner put onto the small end table by the lamp. The cover had the silhouette of a couple underneath a starry sky, and Jean made an internal note that Reiner seemed to read romance novels. Interesting.
"It's about your ring. Are you married?" Reiner's mouth set into a small frown, and Jean briefly saw sorrow in Reiner's eyes. For a moment, Jean regretted prying into Reiner's personal life before a tiny laugh came from the blond man. "It's okay, Reiner, you don't have to tell me."
"No, I'm fine. I used to be married. I loved him very, very much. His name was Bertholdt." A tense silence settled over the room, and Reiner closed his eyes as though he were losing himself in his thoughts. "We got married as soon as we could. He turned eighteen on December 30, we got married on December 31, and then the next day was the new year."
"He was still in high school when you guys got married?" Reiner nodded and smiled to himself at the mental image. Bertholdt was so proud of his wedding ring when he went to school. They'd gotten comments about their marriage happening too young, but they hadn't worried.
"Yes. I was so happy. He was the light of my life. Bertholdt passed away about a year and a half ago in a car accident..." Jean felt bad for asking, but Reiner didn't seem too bothered. Reiner fidgeted with his fingers. "You know, we never ever thought he would pass first. I was a very sick child. I'm in remission right now, but I've had leukemia since I was very young."
"Oh, I see. I remember your ad said you had a chronic illness and would need help." Reiner shrugged his shoulders and made a hum. Since he'd moved in, Reiner hadn't really needed help with much of anything. Hell, Reiner usually cooked his own food and made enough to share. And he kept the apartment clean, to the point that Jean felt like a freeloader at times. "Have you been feeling okay?"
"Eh? I'm fine right now. I had the cancer as a child. I was so sickly. I went into remission, but when I was a young teenager it came back. Thankfully I was able to overcome it. I couldn't join the football team like I wanted to, but I used to go swimming a lot with Bertholdt to stay fit. He swam competitively but I just liked floating around in the water. I'm still in remission, but I advertise that I need help because I worry about the cancer coming back."
"Could you move back in with your family?" A tense silence, and again Jean wondered if he said something wrong. After a moment, Jean saw a tear start to slide down Reiner's cheek and he regretted bringing it up.
"I... Mama doesn't want to see me anymore. When I came out as gay, mom started screaming at me. Calling me an abomination. Saying no child of hers would be queer. She disowned me. I actually went to go live with Bertholdt. I loved my father-in-law for taking me in. I miss my mama so much, and I still love her even though she doesn't love me. I had a little cousin named Gabi, I think about her all the time. I wonder if she misses me sometimes."
"God, Reiner, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up all of that, I was just wondering." Reiner dismissively shook his head and picked his book back up. He put his glasses back on and opened his book to the page it was on.
"It's okay, Jean. I guess now it's my turn to ask how you wound up here, hmm?" Reiner laughed to himself and raised a brow at Jean. His book was still open, but Reiner put it down and rested it on his chest. He was giving Jean an expectant look that made Jean feel somewhat nervous, even though he knew Reiner was harmless. "Most guys in their early twenties don't want to move in with a stranger with medical problems."
"I was living with a friend from school named Eren. He used to be a lot of fun, and pretty reliable if not a total blockhead at times. He was a good guy. But he got wrapped up in some weird internet forums. He's changing, and the guy I used to know is disappearing. Even his sister seems like she wants to walk away. I just couldn't live with him anymore, so I left. I hated to. Eren really was a good friend of mine."
"I'm sorry. Losing a friend must be very hard. I was blessed with great friends. But... well, I don't want to sound macabre. Most of us met at the hospital when we were young. Most of my friends are gone now." Reiner didn't say it in a way that suggested that he was trying to one-up Jean, but that he was trying to express that he understood the loss of an important friend.
"I miss him. I wish he didn't let his mind get poisoned by all that hateful rhetoric. He told his sister that he never really loved her, and he told his best friend that he was a beta male cuck. It was awful. And he has all these like-minded idiots following him acting like he's absolutely right." Jean sighed and remembered the friend he'd grown to love. Grown to hate. "I miss Eren. But I don't."
"Having complicated feelings is okay." Reiner reached for his soda and took a sip, then put it back. "Regardless, I'm glad you're here with me. I've felt a lot less lonely having a friend around to talk to."
"Yeah... I almost forgot how nice it was living with a friend." Jean relaxed and changed the channel while Reiner read his book. At some point, he flipped it onto a nature documentary about the ocean and left it there. Some sea turtles were swimming around on the screen while the narrator discussed their highly migratory nature. Reiner glanced at the turtle on the screen and smiled fondly, then went back to reading his book.
Jean always did have a thing for blonds. Sometimes he fell for people with black hair, too, but he really had a thing for blond hair. Spending a lot of time with Reiner made Jean feel some type of way that, admittedly, he wasn't completely comfortable with. It started when Jean was appreciative to have such a kind friend who would listen to him rant about his work troubles. Then he noticed just how good a body Reiner had on the odd occasions that he'd be shirtless; usually when he came out of his room and started digging around in the laundry looking for a specific shirt.
Even shirtless, Jean took note of the turtle pendant that Reiner wore. He was curious, but never asked. Reiner never brought it up.
When Reiner wore the tank tops and his biceps were out, Jean wondered if Reiner could tell he was staring. He'd caught Reiner napping a few times and would smile at how cute he was. He'd wanted to run his hands through the blond hair and tuck Reiner in, but he wasn't supposed to go into Reiner's room and Reiner never went into his. He probably wasn't strong enough to lift Reiner and carry him anyways, so that was a moot point.
But Reiner never seemed to make any comment suggesting he was looking for a relationship. He would talk about his husband sometimes, and Jean wasn't of the opinion that Reiner had moved on. From what little he'd managed to gather, Reiner and Bertholdt were childhood friends that were attached at the hip. The two of them lived together after Reiner was kicked out, and he married Bertholdt as soon as he was able to. Reiner's words implied that when Jean moved in, Bertholdt had been gone close to a year.
There were almost no traces of Bertholdt in the main living area, and Jean wondered if Reiner was trying to act like Bertholdt had never existed to make the pain easier. But one day Reiner had been fatigued and running a fever, and Jean worried because Reiner was usually fine. When he went into Reiner's room to wake his roommate, it was apparent that Reiner had most certainly not forgotten Bertholdt.
It was sad, but sweet. Their framed wedding pictures were on Reiner's dresser. On Reiner's nightstand directly next to where he slept was a framed picture of Bertholdt; a very handsome man. He was smiling wide, and his grey eyes were absolutely captivating. The turtle necklace was on the end table, but Reiner was still wearing his wedding ring.
More important than all of that, though, was that Reiner was shivering and running a fever. He'd been feeling sick, and Jean took it upon himself to take Reiner to the doctor.
"I have an upper respiratory infection." Reiner said plainly whenever he left the doctor and got back into the car. "The doctor prescribed me some antibiotics. Will you go get them for me? I'm feeling so tired and cold, I just want to wrap up in my heated blanket..." Jean dropped Reiner off at the apartment and picked up the medicine later. When he came back to the apartment with the medicine after the prescription had been filled, he saw Reiner wrapped up in his blanket sleeping on the sofa. Jean took notice of the scrapbook on the table and picked it up.
It was chock full of pictures of Reiner and what Jean assumed was his family. It was true, he appeared to be a sickly child. Bertholdt was in a few of the pictures, but it was mostly a young Reiner. There was a young brunette girl with thick eyebrows in several of the pictures, and from what Jean could tell it looked like Reiner was very close to her. Sad as it was, around Reiner's adolescence the family photos stopped suddenly. That must've been when he was kicked out.
There were pictures that looked like they had been taken off social media and printed off. The young girl looked like she was growing up. Judging by the pictures Reiner had taken from her social media, she looked like she was a young teenager now. There were lots of family photos of her and Reiner's family, sans Reiner. It was... terribly sad, the more Jean thought about it. Did Reiner long for them? Clearly he at least kept their pictures and looked at them.
Very carefully, Jean put the book back. Carefully, he put the back of his hand on Reiner's forehead and frowned. He was burning up. Still though, Jean pulled the blankets up and made sure Reiner was comfortable. He put the medicine on the table where Reiner could find it along with a water bottle, then went to his room.
"Thank you for taking care of me." Reiner said later when the two of them were in the living room after he'd awoken. He was wrapped up in his warm blanket while Jean lounged on the sofa. Jean shrugged his shoulders.
"It's no problem. I don't want to just leave you there suffering." Jean idly scrolled through his Twitter, but there wasn't really much going on at the moment. He put his phone on the end table before he looked back to Reiner. Reiner's eyes were closed, but he was clearly awake and alert. He was sitting cross-legged underneath the blanket. "You okay? You look... apprehensive?"
Reiner opened his eyes and gave a sympathetic smile to his roommate before he shook his head and laughed softly to himself. "No, I'm fine. I just get a little bit nervous sometimes when I get sick. But it's the winter time, I shouldn't be surprised." A pause, then a smile. "It was like clockwork with my husband, after all. Every year Bertholdt would get sick with a respiratory infection. But he loved the cold. Every winter he would spend so much time outside. I always liked summer more."
"Oh? I can see you being a summer person, you always keep your fuzzy socks on and you always stay in that blanket." Reiner laughed softly, then reached for his water bottle and took a sip.
"Bertholdt got me this blanket. I was complaining that I hated the winter time and it was too cold. Bertl said I was no fun, so I went out with him and we built snowmen together. He made fun of me for shivering so much when we went back into our apartment. So he bought me this blanket to keep me warm. We used to sit together underneath it."
"Bertl? Was that a nickname?"
"Yeah. Bertholdt was his name, but I called him Bertl. Then I started calling him my Bertl Turtle as a joke when we were teenagers. Then I started calling him Turtle. My turtle." Reiner brought a hand up and ran his thumb along the pendant he wore, and Jean finally understood the meaning behind the turtle.
"It's a beautiful pendant you wear to remember him. I think it's sweet." Reiner nodded his head and was silent for a moment before looking seriously at Jean. His eyes looked misty, but Jean wasn't sure if Reiner's sniffle was because he was sad or because he was sick.
"I hope you don't think this is weird, Jean... After Bertholdt died, I had his body cremated. I took some of his ashes and had them made into a diamond. A green one, because green was his favorite color. I had it cut into a heart shape and I commissioned a jeweler to make me this turtle pendant." Reiner was silent, then sniffled again and this time the tears dripping down his cheeks made it obvious he was hurting. "I'm sorry, Jean. I just miss him. I miss him so much. I..."
Jean felt his heart hurt at Reiner's grief. He sat up and stood next to his friend, then hugged him and ran his hand through Reiner's hair while he sobbed. Reiner put his arms around Jean's torso while he cried, and Jean noticed the tears soaking into the belly of his shirt. Reiner cried for a few minutes, then started making heaving breaths while he attempted to compose himself. He wiped at his eyes and blew his nose into the nearby tissue.
"Reiner, it's okay to talk about him and remember him. I've lived here with you for almost five months and you've only talked about him a couple of times in passing." Jean paused while he tried to think of what best to say. "He was a huge and important part of your life." Reiner ran a hand through his hair while he shook his head.
"I'm sorry, Jean. I always felt like I had to keep Bertholdt a secret. When my mom kicked me out it broke me, and Bertholdt felt so guilty. So I'm not used to talking about him with others." Reiner got up, and Jean took note of the sweater he was wearing. How he was under that blanket with a sweater, Jean couldn't be sure. Reiner returned after a moment with a white album with 'Reiner and Bertholdt' on the front, then sat next to Jean. "Bertholdt loved making scrapbooks and photo albums. I keep them all in my room."
"You? In a tuxedo? Never thought I'd see the day. You're always shuffling around the apartment in those tank tops and shorts." Jean said sarcastically, earning a small laugh from Reiner. Jean noticed the lack of Reiner's family in the album, but he wasn't about to point that out. Reiner had to be acutely aware of the fact, after all. Bertholdt's father -an elderly man, it seemed- had them both pulled into tight hugs that let Jean rest easy knowing Reiner was cared for and loved.
"You sayin' I looked good?" Reiner said teasingly, then waggled his eyebrows suggestively. "Bertl thought I did too. But he said I looked even better with the tuxedo off." Reiner saw Jean blush and let out a belly laugh.
Jean sighed in embarrassment, then went back to flipping through the pages of the photo album with Reiner. It really was a beautiful ceremony.
He wasn't sure he'd seen Reiner looking so happy in a long time.
Dealing with a crush was never something Jean liked doing. The first crush he'd ever had was on Mikasa, his old roommate Eren's sister. Then he had a crush on Marco, but Marco passed away and it took Jean a while to process. His next crush was on Eren briefly, but that hardly lasted because he didn't shower often enough to compensate for what Jean did like. He was in a few relationships here and there.
Now, he found himself grappling with awkward feelings towards his roommate-turned-friend Reiner. He was such a kind man, and handsome to boot. Perfect eyebrows, good body (that Jean got to see because Reiner liked lounging in tanks and shorts), blond hair with perfect bangs... He was so smart, too! Reiner surprised Jean with his intelligence.
He was the kindest soul, too. Reiner didn't talk much about his faith and wasn't pushy, but he often enough went to volunteer at soup kitchens when he got the chance. Apparently he served as a mentor in the church for young people struggling with their sexuality and faith. Reiner had made comments before that Jesus loved everyone and that included people who were in the queer community.
It was no wonder at all Jean found himself falling for him. But sometimes, he would see the pictures of Bertholdt that Reiner hung up and he would feel a sinking feeling in his stomach. Not that he was jealous; there was no sense in being jealous of a dead man. Jean was not in a competition with Bertholdt for Reiner's affection. Bertholdt was dead and gone, and Reiner was still here.
But Reiner didn't seem to be seeking out a relationship. On the contrary, Reiner had seemed preoccupied and anxious as of late. Attempts to talk to him about it led to Reiner waving his hand dismissively and remarking that he was just thinking about things that didn't matter. Clearly they did matter, but trying to pry information he didn't want to give up was like trying to draw blood from a turnip. It just wasn't going to happen.
It was one afternoon after a doctor's visit that Jean would never forget. He'd gotten home and saw Reiner running his hands through his hair on the sofa. The moment Jean opened the door Reiner had turned his head and sighed. Jean cocked his head while he put his coat on the hook by the door. "Reiner? What are you sitting there by yourself for?"
"Jean. I need to talk to you." Jean sat down on the sofa, when felt his stomach stir when Reiner's amber eyes pierced into his own. "I went to the doctor today. My leukemia, it's... it's come back. But more than that. It's spread to my brain this time, too." Reiner shook his head again, and Jean had no idea what he could possibly say to make Reiner feel better. Maybe Reiner didn't want fluffy words of comfort anyways. Reiner looked back at Jean seriously. "I wanted to tell you now. The doctors broke the news to me. If you don't want to stay here with me, that's okay."
"I moved in here expecting to need to take care of you, Reiner. That's not going to change. I promise I'll stay here while you get treatment, and-"
"I'm not getting treatment, Jean." Reiner said plainly, not a hint of emotion at all in his voice. Jean cocked his head and frowned, then looked at the ground as though he weren't believing what he heard. He looked back up at Reiner's handsome face. If he wasn't going to accept treatment for his cancer, Reiner would die in less than a year most likely. Especially if it had spread to his brain.
"Why? How can you be so selfish!?" Jean stood and turned away, but was then immediately greeted with the sight of Bertholdt's smiling face on the wall. He frowned and grit his teeth, him turning his head so he was looking at the coats hanging from the hooks.
"I'm not being selfish! Who the hell do you think you are to say something like that? You have no idea how much this fucking disease has made me suffer, Jean! You've known this whole time I could get sick!" Reiner stood defensively, but he noticed that Reiner seemed slow to stand. He'd been getting infections a lot as of late, and Reiner had seemed fatigued. Plagued with headaches. It all made sense now.
"I know that, Reiner!" Jean turned around and faced Reiner. All the feelings he had kept bottled up for so long were making him feel like he was going to explode. "I love you! I love you and now you're telling me you're going to die!" Reiner's stance seemed to deflate, him cocking his head to the side.
"What...?" Jean shook his head and ran his hands through his hair. He breathed in deeply, then reigned in his emotions quickly. He was hurting. But Reiner was the one going to die. This situation was about Reiner. He had cancer. It spread to his brain. He was going to die. There was nothing more to it.
"I'm... I'm sorry. I love you, Reiner. I love you so fucking much. But I never said anything." Jean sighed and paused. The air was tense. "And saying it now in a heated moment was wrong. I had no right to burden you now."
"Jean..." Reiner shook his head, and Jean knew he was ready to cry. Accepting death didn't happen in a day. Reiner had to be scared shitless. Did he feel alone? Was he scared? More importantly, how was he feeling now? Was he comfortable? "I... I don't love you like that..."
It hurt. It hurt terribly. Jean felt like he'd been kicked in the gut. In spite of that, Jean came forward and pulled Reiner into a hug. He exhaled and let Reiner bury his face into his shoulder. "It's okay, Reiner... it's okay..." Reiner clung to Jean and balled the fabric of his shirt into his fists.
"I'm scared, Jean." Reiner said after a moment. "I don't want to die. But if I take this treatment again... I'm so tired. I'm tired, Jean... I just want to rest." Reiner parted from Jean and went back to the sofa. His eyes looked sunken in, and as soon as he sunk into the cushions he wrapped himself up in his blanket. Jean moved to sit next to Reiner, and they sat together in silence.
"Reiner... I don't know what to tell you. But I'll take care of you, okay? I'll... I'll help you stay comfortable. That's the least I can do for you. You're one of my best friends." Jean reached for the television remote and handed it to Reiner. Reiner accepted it and turned on the TV. "I'm sorry I lashed out. Just forget about what I said, please. I just reacted badly. It's hard learning a dear friend is going to die."
"I know."
Jean didn't question Reiner's sad tone of voice. He had enough on his mind as it was. The silence was comfortable. Eventually, Reiner lulled off to sleep and sagged into Jean's side.
"I reached out to Mama." Reiner said. About a month had passed since Reiner started hospice care. Once a week a pastor came to the apartment and spoke to Reiner about his concerns, and a therapist had come by a couple of times as well. Maybe they had talked to him about concerns with his family. "She's coming over tomorrow."
"Are you going to be okay, Reiner?" Jean asked, getting a slow nod in return. "I know it's been a long time since you've seen your family. And it wasn't a good situation, are you sure it will be okay?" Reiner paused, then shook his head. Jean took note of Reiner's family scrapbook on the table.
"I told her I had to talk to her. She cried and said she'd been trying to find me. I deleted a lot of my old social media and you know my name I use online isn't my real name, so she wasn't able." Reiner closed his eyes, and Bertholdt saw a stray tear drip out. Since his cancer came back, Reiner's eyes almost seemed sunken in. It broke Jean's heart. Not even because he loved Reiner. Such a kind soul didn't deserve it. "Mama told me she loved me. I haven't heard her say that in so many years... I just wish I had more time to hear it more."
"If you want to see your mom, I'm not going to stop you. It's your life. I would say don't forget what she did to you." Reiner grunted and Jean knew not to push his opinion. Jean reminded himself that Reiner was dying and maybe that influenced how he was looking at things. Personally, Jean found Reiner's mother's actions unforgiveable. But Reiner was staring down death. And Reiner had a faith that Jean didn't; maybe in Reiner's eyes, things just worked differently.
"I couldn't ever forget. I moved in with Bertholdt and his dad, and my whole family abandoned me. I've missed my little cousin growing up. I adored her. I'll never get that back. But... before I die, before I move on, I want to see them again." Reiner had his mind made up, it had seemed.
It was somewhat awkward when Jean got home the next day and Reiner was crying on the sofa and hugging a middle-aged woman against his chest. She was sobbing into his chest, but pulled away when the door opened. Both of the pair's eyes were red, and their faces were soaked with tears. Jean quickly apologized and went to his room.
Reiner's mother was there for a couple of hours after Jean got home before Reiner knocked on his door. "Jean? Mom's gone home. You can come on out." Jean came out after he finished the chapter of his book he'd been reading. Reiner was flipping through a small photo album when Jean sat down. "You didn't have to stay holed up, Jean. Mom thought you were shy. I guess it was awkward coming in and seeing us crying... I'm sorry."
"It's okay. I'm sure you were processing a lot. Did you have a good visit?" Reiner nodded and hummed while he turned down the volume of the tv. Some reality show that Jean hadn't ever seen before.
"Yeah. It was nice to see her again. The moment she saw me, mom fell to her knees and started begging me for forgiveness. She cried so much and told me she was sorry." Reiner sighed and sipped at his soda. He seemed preoccupied with his thoughts. "I let my mom know how badly she hurt me. What I went through, how I had to live with Bertholdt because she rejected me. I let her know how much it hurt to have none of my family at my own wedding. How I had no support when Bertholdt passed away." Reiner gave Jean an unreadable look, as though he wasn't sure he knew what he wanted to say.
"Reiner. I'm not going to say I would have done the same thing as you. But I'm not you, and I'm not living your life. If you want to forgive your mother, I won't stop you. I just want you to be comfortable and happy in the next few months." Reiner hummed and smiled genuinely at Jean. Jean felt his heart flutter, and as much as he wanted to quash those feelings he just couldn't.
"Mama didn't take me telling her I was dying soon very well... that's what she was crying about when you got home. She kept begging me to tell her it wasn't true. But she knew. She remembered my cancer treatment when I was a child, and a preteen. Learning your only child is going to die... she was devastated." Reiner closed his eyes and leaned back into the cushions. He was wrapped up in his blanket, as he always was. "But I'm happy I got to see her."
"Is she going to be coming by more?" Reiner nodded. He looked completely comfortable, like he could almost fall asleep right then.
"Yes. She's bringing Gabi next time, too. I'm glad. I want to see them as much as I can before I pass. Especially Gabi, I'm so excited to see how much she's grown. She was my sweet little buddy." Reiner fondly flipped through the pages of the book he had. Jean hadn't seen it before. "Mama brought me this photo album. It's full of pictures of Gabi. There are a few of my mom, too, but she isn't the focus."
"Is your mom okay with...well, you? Being gay?" A hard question to ask. Reiner seemed to have a blank expression on his face, but then reached for his wedding album on the table.
"We talked about it. She and I talked about our faith. We don't see eye-to-eye, but I can tell she's making an effort. She wanted to know about my life together with Bertholdt." Reiner smiled fondly at pictures from his wedding. "She asked a lot about my sweet turtle. What our married life was like. What our hopes and dreams were. She seemed sad that Bertholdt is gone. Mama told me I had good taste in men. I agreed with her, hehe."
"I'm glad to hear you're moving forward and healing. You deserve it." Reiner's warm smile made Jean's heart swell. No matter what, Reiner tried to keep his spirits up. Jean watched Reiner bring a hand up and run his thumb along his turtle pendant affectionately. His chest tightened for a moment, because deep down Jean knew that there wasn't room for him in his heart. Bertholdt would always be the one Reiner loved, and the reality was Reiner didn't have enough time left to love again.
Reiner was happy about his life together with Bertholdt. Bertl. His turtle. So it was okay. Reiner had made comments about seeing his turtle again, and Jean could only smile sadly when Reiner lamented his fate.
It was late whenever the stray sunbeam, after travelling millions and millions of kilometers, managed to perfectly shine into Jean's eyes. He groaned and rubbed at his face, then stretched his body out. A long yawn made him feel much better. He reached for his water bottle, then took a large gulp. It was getting late in the morning, but it was the weekend. Truthfully, he'd stayed up most of the night binge watching a new show his coworker Sasha had told him about. He wasn't surprised he woke up so late.
Jean tossed on his shirt and stretched his legs. Reiner had said his mother would be coming by today, so the apartment was spotless. It had been a couple of months since they reunited, and Reiner's mother had been over a couple of times. Gabi too. Reiner had definitely seemed happier since his family started coming around, and for that Jean was glad.
Someone like Reiner didn't deserve to die alone because his family didn't care. Reiner was a beautiful soul.
Jean was surprised when he got up and saw Reiner was still asleep. Usually he was up early. He liked to sit on the balcony and listen to the birds chirp while he watched the sun rise. Most of the time he'd be nursing a cup of black coffee as well. At the same time, Reiner oversleeping wasn't unheard of. He'd been fatigued, especially since his cancer diagnosis. But his mom was coming over, and god forbid she saw him with bad bed hair.
Surely she'd never ever seen her son looking like a mess before.
Jean gently knocked on Reiner's door, then opened it when Reiner didn't answer. He was wrapped up tightly in his favorite blanket. Quietly, Jean reached over and delicately rocked Reiner back and forth. "Reiner? Your mom's coming over today, you need to get up and get ready." When Reiner didn't stir, Jean frowned and shook again. No response.
A pit formed in his stomach when he put his hand on Reiner's forehead and felt cold skin. "...Reiner?" Jean quickly put both hands on Reiner's shoulder and started rocking him back and forth. Reiner didn't react, and deep down Jean knew exactly what it meant. As though he were in denial, Jean began shaking desperately. "Reiner! Wake up! Reiner? Can you hear me?"
As cold as his skin was, Jean knew that Reiner must have been dead for a couple of hours at least. He fell to his knees and felt tears starting to leak from his eyes. He'd been fortunate in his life up to this point, and hadn't ever really lost anyone super close to him. Now, Jean felt his heart fall to pieces. He swallowed and looked to the side. A wedding photo of Reiner and Bertholdt hung on the wall in the same spot it had always been.
Quietly, Jean stood and choked out some sobs before he reached a hand out and gently stroked blond hair through his fingers.
"Reiner... you deserve rest. Go be with your turtle again."
The only thing Jean could think about then was what Reiner's mother was going to say when she showed up.
Reiner's mother, Karina as Jean learned, was absolutely beside herself with grief. She actually passed out when Jean broke the news to her, and she clutched Reiner's body and begged for him to come back. Tearful pleas went unanswered, and despite his anger towards her for the way she mistreated Reiner he couldn't help but try to console her.
She didn't react much. He couldn't blame her. He was Reiner's friend and he had feelings for Reiner, but Karina was his mother. Just as soon as she was able to have a relationship with her son again, he was gone. She couldn't bring herself to even be in Reiner's room. She had taken some photo albums and scrapbooks, but didn't come back.
Jean made plenty of money at his job, and taking over the rent had been easy. Reiner was cremated, but he'd had a funeral beforehand. At the funeral, Karina approached him and asked if he could pack up Reiner's belongings and let her know when she could come get them. She'd said it would hurt her too much to go through his stuff at his apartment, and Jean couldn't blame her.
That's how he found himself sitting in Reiner's room going through his belongings. The photo albums that Karina had taken were gone, as was Reiner's turtle pendant. But everything else was still there. On the one hand, Jean wasn't too surprised by most of the things Reiner had. On the other hand, he'd learned some interesting things about his friend by going through his possessions.
Who knew Reiner had such an interest in ancient Marleyan history? Reiner never even talked about it! Maybe he'd seen Reiner watching something like that on tv a time or two, but his room had lots of books on the subject.
A stack of journals had caught Jean's curiosity, and when he opened it his heart hurt. Every day, Reiner wrote Bertholdt a letter in his journal. Starting with "My Bertl Turtle" and ending with "your horny Rhino." There was some sort of joke there that Jean would never understand, but it made him smile nonetheless.
There was never room in Reiner's heart for him. But the more Jean learned about Bertholdt, the more he understood why. Surely if he had such a loving relationship, Jean would have felt the same way. He wished he would have had the opportunity to have met Bertholdt.
He was thankful that, despite the short amount of time that they had together, he was able to have had a relationship with Reiner.
Jean hummed curiously whenever he opened Reiner's nightstand and found a letter with his name on it. A frown made its way onto Jean's face while he opened the letter and was greeted with the sight of Reiner's handwriting. He unfolded the papers and started to read.
Jean,
If you're reading this letter, I am dead. I decided I was going to write this and put it up. I was going to destroy it if I went into remission, but you're reading this so... yeah. I know it's sad. But please, don't cry for me. I'm resting easy. And I'm going to be with my turtle again.
I've been dreaming a lot about him lately. My turtle. I don't know what you believe in, Jean. We never really talked about it. But I really do believe I'm going to a better place. Somewhere I'm not hurting anymore, somewhere that my sweet turtle is waiting for me. But still, I'm going to miss everyone. I'm going to try and reach out to my family. If they let me back in, you've already met them. Please... get rid of my letters to Bertholdt. I don't want them seeing some of my more intimate thoughts. The letters don't mean anything anymore, because I can tell him all about my life now.
I'm going to miss you, Jean. I felt so lonely whenever you first moved in with me. I never talked about them because it hurt too much. But my friends, it seemed like everyone was always dying. Marcel, Porco, Annie, Pieck... I've lost so many people in my life. I guess that's what happens when you bond with other kids in a cancer ward... But then you moved in, and I had a friend again. I'm sorry if I came across clingy at first. Since I lost my family and Bertholdt, I didn't want to lose you after we started becoming friends.
The highlight of my day was listening to you come home and telling me about what was going on. Even if it wasn't really interesting. I was just so happy to have a friend.
I'm so, so sorry that I didn't return your feelings. But believe me, you're a catch. You're going to make somebody very happy one day. I want to let you know that even though I didn't love you romantically, you made me happy. I loved you as a friend, and I always will.
There are too many things I want to talk about. Maybe we'll talk about them before I pass. But promise me that you'll be happy.
I'm happy now. Thank you for being my friend, Jean.
Your pal,
Reiner
Jean breathed in deeply and wiped the tears away when he finished the letter. How lucky was he to have had such a kind friend? Even though Reiner was gone, Jean still felt his presence. Inside the envelope was a photograph; Jean took it out and smiled. It was a selfie Reiner had taken, with his arm around Jean's shoulder and the two of them smiling.
He desperately missed Reiner. But it would be okay.
"Thank you for helping me, Jean. Please come in." Jean walked into Karina's home. Today he was bringing over all of Reiner's things and giving them to Karina. Reiner's room sat empty at the apartment, but one of his friends, Connie, would be moving in soon. Some framed photos of Reiner remained at the apartment as a reminder of his dear friend, though. "Let me get you some water."
Pictures of Reiner adorned the walls, as did a small cross with a rainbow coming out of it. Reiner's mother seemed like she was more religious than Reiner was, but that made sense with everything he knew about her. A small pride flag sat on a shelf next to a picture of Reiner, and Bertholdt's necklace was around the photo. He took a seat on the loveseat and accepted the water bottle when Karina brought it back. "I have the boxes in the trunk. Let me rest for a few minutes and I'll go get them." Karina shook her head and waved her hand. She looked like the spitting image of her son when she made the gesture.
"You just rest up. I'm not in a hurry." She was quiet for a moment, then gave Jean a sad smile. "I probably won't unpack it for a while anyways. It still hurts too much to go through his stuff. I'm sorry I was so pushy about you doing it, I know you have a life too."
"It's okay. I didn't mind." Jean idly sipped at his water bottle. Karina seemed like she was in thought.
"He talked very highly of you, Jean." Karina broke the silence and gave him a sad smile. "He really liked you. He said he was thankful to be living with you. Thank you for helping him so much in the last months of his life."
"I would do it again in a heartbeat. He was a good person. I remember Reiner liked volunteering and helping out when he could." Karina smiled and nodded. She wiped at her eyes.
"I tried so hard to find Reiner. I did what I did, and I can never take it back... I missed out on so much of Reiner's short life. I wasn't at his wedding, and I wasn't a part of Bertholdt's life at all. Bertholdt changed his name to Braun so that Reiner would feel like he still had family that loved him. He shouldn't have had to have done that."
"He shouldn't have." Jean said bluntly. He knew it was rude to say that, but it was the truth. Karina sighed and nodded her head.
"I know. I regret it every day. I tried using scripture to justify it. But... along the way, it was my faith that made me realize there wasn't anything wrong with Reiner. God's love for his children is fully inclusive. Jesus would have taken Reiner in, and I'm the one that rejected him. It was un-Christian of me... I regret it so much." Karina shook her head and Jean saw the remorse in her eyes. "I can't take it back. My baby is gone." Karina's eyes were leaking, but she didn't sob. Jean saw the exhaustion on her features. She was mourning, and was every day.
After a few minutes, they brought Reiner's belongings into Karina's house and Jean bid her farewell. There wasn't much to say. Reiner may have forgiven his mother, but she was just a stranger to Jean. On the way out, Bertholdt took notice of a turtle statue in the garden with a small rhino statue.
He chuckled to himself and got into his car, then drove back to his apartment.
Jean sighed to himself while he combed through the books on the library shelf. He used to come here all the time to pick up books for Reiner that he'd wanted to read, and along the way Jean had gotten himself his own library card. He wasn't really sure what he was looking for, but he'd find something that got his attention. He didn't ever like the romance novels he'd gotten for Reiner. Instead, Jean found himself combing through the fantasy books.
He hadn't been paying attention, but Jean accidentally bumped into someone and knocked them over. "Oh, sorry! Let me help you." Jean reached an arm out, and the blond man accepted the help up. He adjusted his glasses and started picking up the books while Jean helped. "I'm sorry. I wasn't paying attention."
"It's fine, I wasn't paying attention either." The blond man glanced at the book that Jean had been holding and smiled. "Oh? That's the first book in Attack of the Giants, isn't it? I love that series." Jean smiled at the smaller man.
"Yeah? I just started it. Is it any good?" Jean asked, and the young man's eyes lit up. Jean found the excitement cute. "My name's Jean."
"My name's Armin." Armin held his books against his chest and smiled warmly. "I could talk all day about Attack of the Giants." Jean smirked and gave Armin a confident smile. Armin noticed and felt his face start to burn.
"I don't have anywhere to be." Armin started to stutter, but Jean thought it was cute.
He always did have a thing for blonds.