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It was a rare and casual afternoon for the Avengers, an unusual sight for any outsider to witness. Steve, Bucky and Sam were running laps in Van Cortlandt Park, or more accurately Steve and Bucky were running laps around Sam who was running laps through the park. Bruce was in the lab on his own level, quietly working away to himself, just how he liked it. The scientist was still finding random packets of food in drawers after Tony had visited him earlier in the week. Natasha had made herself comfortable in the shared living room, a book in one hand and mocktail in the other. Tony had been in the gym, fixing a boxing bot that had gone haywire. If he’d wanted any peace whilst doing it, he was sorely mistaken the moment Clint and Peter entered the room. The genius rolled his eyes as he could hear the pair already bantering about something, hoping to block them out. Well, Legolas anyway.
With just a quick acknowledgement, they’d dived into a bit of parkour practice with Peter undoubtedly showing the older man how it’s done. The teen lithely climbed up walls, rolling and backflipping across incredibly small spaces whilst Clint moved with a little more care, not backing down from any of the elderly jokes being thrown his way. When they’d reached the highest point of the room, the archer stood up with his arms crossed over his chest, trying to conceal his heavy breathing whilst Peter crouched at the very edge. Both had decided to not comment on the crunch of Clint’s knees when he’d stood.
"Wanna do an Assassins Creed jump off?" Peter asked, a hint of challenge in the request.
"After you," Clint suggested, deciding not to outright agree because he had no idea what the fuck the kid was talking about. With a grin, Peter stood from his position and creeped forward to allow his toes off the edge. In one swift move, the teen tipped forward and started to freefall. Just before he reached the foam pit below, Peter flipped ensuring he landed on his back, arms sprawled out like a starfish. He found himself partially buried, manoeuvring the soft pieces of foam to see that Clint was not following suit.
"Spoil sport!" he called out to the Avenger, who simply waved him off as he hopped down to a safer level before finally greeting him at eye level.
"I mean, I never agreed to do it so I’m not sure what I’ve spoile,." Clint argued back with a confident tongue click and finger guns.
"Surely those creaky knees of yours could use a freefall once in a while?" Peter countered, shrugging his arms.
"Alright, I think it’s time for a burger run. Fri, can you lucky dip it?" Tony called up to the ceiling as he finished the repairs concurrently with Peter and Clint wrapping up their session.
"Yes, boss," F.R.I.D.A.Y. chimed back pleasantly. "Steve, Bucky and Sam have also just returned."
"More the merrier," Tony muttered more to himself, not that it would ever be quiet enough for Peter’s enhanced hearing not to pick up.
"There’s no need for a lucky dip. We all know Five Guys have the best burgers in New York, Mr Stark," the teen declared, licking his lips and rubbing his hands together, his cheeks warm from the workout. Despite being tired, he’d still managed a small lead ahead of Clint and Tony.
"Until they build an In-N-Out," the older man replied nonchalantly. Peter was quick to spin on his heel to turn and face them both, eyes wide with horror. The young hero went for an offended look but the sweaty curls stuck to his forehead and red tinge to his nose made him look almost cute to the pair.
"What the fu- No, Clint. Do not blaspheme in my cheeseburger church," the teen accused, shaking his head in disapproval. "The audacity," he whispered to himself as he turned back around.
"I said what I said," Clint retorted without any regret. He pulled a leaflet from his back pocket and with quick, nimble fingers, created a paper aeroplane before launching it in Peter’s direction. The kid easily dodged, his head ducking to the side, as a hand instinctively grabbed it. He let out a huff when he unravelled it to see a new In-N-Out would indeed be opening in the next couple of months.
The doors to the elevator opened as they approached, all stepping in and allowing the AI to take them up to the common room.
"Five Guys have at least a dozen fillings which you can pick and choose from. A burger for every taste. And that taste is always great," Peter continued after a moment’s silence. Tony couldn’t help but smile at the passion his intern was putting into the argument. The kid’s arms were moving comically with the points he was making. As the elevator pinged, they entered the living space, Tony holding back slightly. When the other heroes in the room made eye contact with him, he gestured for them to listen in to the squabbling pair, a shit-stirring grin spread across his face.
"See that’s the problem though. I just want a burger. I don't want to be confused by a million options," Clint argued as he approached the fridge for a cool drink. He tilted his head to greet Sam who was also in the kitchen area. Steve and Bucky had already sat down near Nat, the ever-willing audience.
"You’re a secret agent and one of the founders of the Avengers and yet relish confuses you?!"
Sam licked a fingertip before raising it with a tss, the whole room quick to notice the gesture. Natasha’s head quirked to the side, a ‘he’s not lying’ expression clear across her features. Tony barely suppressed a snort whilst Bucky and Steve hopelessly tried to stop their laughter, both biting their bottom lip and closing their eyes. Steve almost lost it when Bucky let out a choke.
"Stark, sort out your son, he’s getting far too big for his boots. If ‘cheeseburger connoisseur’ was supposed to be part of the job application then he wouldn’t have got in anyway," Clint deflected as he made his way over to the sofa, clicking the can open in his hand and taking a lengthy swig.
"I’m actually more of a Burger King man myself so cannot relate to either of you," Tony revealed without hesitation, waving an unbothered hand between Peter and Clint. He decided to not react to the nickname, knowing the Avengers would get a rise out of it.
"And there was me thinking you were a cool dad," Peter retorted incredulously, feeling Tony’s head swiftly turn in his direction. The words had been out quicker than he’d thought, thankful that his cheeks were already red from the workout. Not that it had stopped Nat’s keen eye from peering in his direction. The teen was quick to close the distance between himself and the fridge before retrieving a drink of his own.
"Burger King, bejeezus Stark. I thought you had taste," Clint remarked with a scoff, lying across the sofa and placing his feet far too close to Nat. She was quick to bat them away with a playful smile.
"Hey, don’t turn this on me. None of you complained about my taste when I designed your suits, your weapons, your rooms. And then paid for all of them," Tony listed off, arms crossed dramatically across his chest.
"We are a little more old school and enjoy a McDonalds, I gotta say," Steve interjected, Bucky nodding in confirmation.
"And yet, I am apparently bad for my burger choice? Rather a King than a clown," Tony frowned in disbelief, making his way to the chairs with Peter in tow.
"Rather a clown than the King of the whole circus, Stark," Clint mumbled just loud enough for the room to hear. As he took a further drink, he scanned the room for something nearby to throw in the older man’s direction.
"Says the guy who literally grew up in the circus?" Tony pointed out, falling back into the seat with a signature frown, eyebrows pulled together. When Peter sat next to him as close as possible, he resisted the urge to sling his arm over the kid so he could get comfortable, a fatherly move they’d grown accustomed to when it was just the two of them. That hadn’t stopped Peter from lightly leaning against his arm anyway.
"Alright children, I’m going to just order Wendy’s at this rate," Sam declared as he joined them all, almost every seat now taken up by an Avenger.
"Hey Fri, can you order me a shashlik?" Natasha called up to the ceiling, knowing the petty battle of burgers had the potential to last a good hour and her stomach was growling already.
"Pfft. All that effort to say a funny word when you could just say kebab," Clint jested, earning him a death glare from the assassin.
"Do you even know the difference between the two?" Bucky asked with a raised brow.
"Now, now. Let’s not be too hard on Clint. He gets all confused just over burger toppings," Tony jokingly warned, a wide grin spread across his face. Finishing his drink in one gulp, the archer launched the can at the older man only for Peter to instinctively catch it. "Alright Fri, order our usuals from Romanoff's favourite take out."
A few days later...
"Not that I like to brag, but I have a mental library. Everything of importance is ordered chronologically. Contrary to the people who think I have a chaotic mind to fit the chaotic personality, I actually very much know what I'm doing," Tony announced as he perched on the edge of a laboratory table.
"Mind palaces are obviously superior, Stark," Stephen interjected dryly, barely looking away from the book he had in his hand. The doctor was casually sitting on the sofa in the room, deciding not to comment on how comfortable it was despite its clear age. Neither Tony nor his furniture needed any kind of ego boost.
"Well… I have a cheeseburger church," Peter added, legs crossed as he relaxed on the ceiling upside down. Stephen lowered the book just enough to peer in the teen’s direction at the comment. Tony immediately placed a palm to his forehead as he let out a gentle groan.
"Help me out here, Bruce," the genius pleaded as he hopped down and extended his arms out towards the scientist who was desperately trying to mind his own business.
"Oh no. I am staying out of this, Tony," Bruce replied, arms immediately up in surrender.
"Come on, science bro. What do you call the thing in your head where you store information?" Tony pushed, giving his best puppy dog impression with those expressive, brown eyes as he closed the gap between them.
"My brain?" Bruce answered innocently, cheeks reddening when Peter snickered.
"Lordy," Tony sighed. "Well, I stand by my mental library."
"Mind palace," Stephen said under his breath, hiding the smirk when he heard an exasperated grunt from across the room.
"I wonder what Steve calls his," Peter thought out aloud.
"If it doesn’t have any ice pun then I’ll be fuming," Tony mumbled as he opened one of Bruce’s and grabbed a handful of blueberries from a box that the scientist clearly hadn’t found yet. He ate all but one, lining it up to launch across the room instead. In one swift motion, the blueberry flew across the room and hit Stephen directly in the head. The collar of the Cloak sat on his shoulders twitched in offense.
"Do you mind?" the doctor said, just a hint of anger detectable.
"Hey, Mister Stark, see if you can get one in my mouth!" Peter asked excitedly, standing from his position. His mentor tilted his head before grabbing another two more. The first he threw in Peter’s direction, the teen having to flip onto the ground before successfully catching it. The triumphant smile on his face was one of his mentor’s favourites to see. The second blueberry he lobbed just a little harder than before and hit Stephen again. The doctor gripped the book he was holding just a little harder, his knuckles whitening at the movement. He couldn’t help but let out a low growl in annoyance before the room fell into silence.
"Hey, Mister Doctor Strange, sir? Where do you like to eat burgers?" Peter queried as he walked across the room and towards his mentor and Bruce.
"Oh, no. Not this shit again," Tony moaned as he dramatically threw his head back, bending his back awkwardly at the exaggerated movement.
"I’m going to have to say Shake Shack," Stephen replied after a short deliberation. Very suddenly, he put the book down and stood from the sofa, rolling his shoulders out.
"Could’ve been worse, I guess," Peter started. He heard his mentor mouth " here we go " under his breath. "You could have said Burger King."
"What kind of heathen goes there?" the doctor questioned; his nose comically crinkled with a look of disgust upon his face. Peter's facial expression told him the answer and his eyes darted to the now very silent Tony who was no longer looking in his direction. " Oh. "
"I’m a Five Guys fan myself," the teen announced proudly. "Best burgers in New York."
"But do they have a secret menu?" Stephen countered, his lips curling into a victorious smile. Part of the Cloak of Levitation’s collar perked up as if to add emphasis on the question.
"Secret menu? I’m ordering a burger not investigating the freemasons," Peter dismissed as he decided to make his way to his own work desk.
"I’ll take that as a no, then. What about you, Doctor Banner, do you eat burgers?"
"Yeah, I’m not being dragged into this one," Bruce attempted to concede swiftly, choosing to set up a microscope instead of fully engaging with them. He opened one of the nearby cupboards and pulled out a slide.
"You were barely dragged last time, let’s be honest," Tony pointed out with a hint of amusement.
"I’ll meet you in the middle. I do eat burgers and I don’t eat them at Burger King," Bruce stated, attempting to ignore Tony’s hand being placed on his heart.
"All I am going to say is Peanut Butter and Bacon Shack Burger," Stephen concluded as he extended an arm out and began to create a portal out of the laboratory. "Let me know if you need anything else, Dr Banner."
"Charming," Tony snorted, recalling the many times Stephen had refused to pick up his calls but would immediately answer when Bruce called from his own phone.
"Stephen’s an alright guy. You two just don’t get along because you’re so similar," the scientist pointed out without looking up from the scope. He could feel the pointed look Tony was giving him. The older man then turned to Peter for backup, but the teen clearly agreed.
"You’re both fired," Tony announced in a performative manner. "I give you all this Gucci kit and you compare me to him?"
"I mean, you are both pretty…wealthy," Peter offered, raising the pen in his hand towards his mentor.
"And you both regard yourselves very highly.”
"Also, you’re both super intelligent."
"And you both sought out advanced and radical treatments to cure yourselves following life threatening injuries," Bruce surmised, catching the pair slightly off guard.
"Wow, Bruce. Don’t hold back. Coming off just a little hard there," Tony grumbled with a playful pout. Deep down, he loved it when Bruce took the bait and joined in the immature banter that fuelled his days.
"Hey, I don’t see any denial, just deflection."
Tony was brewing his next sarcastic response when one of the largest tummy rumbles in his life made its presence known. Eyes fell on Peter as he shyly tried to ignore them initially, before facing the other two and cradled his stomach.
"Having that single blueberry has reminded me I haven't eaten much today," he confessed with a grimace.
"F.R.I.D.A.Y., time to order up!" Tony said hastily. "You can roll the metaphorical dice and just go with anything but burgers."
Target one: The Jester
"There it is, Karen," Peter said as his HUD zoomed in on the target building. "The golden arches of hell."
"That appears to be a McDonald’s restaurant, Peter," Karen confirmed, an element of confusion to her voice. "Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes have been detected entering."
"Can you pull up the CCTV from inside?" Peter asked, well aware the pair were due to be visiting this evening. Payback for those who insulted the cheeseburger church in his mind were going to be pranked in the very sanctuaries in which their favoured, treacherous food was made.
"Sure, Peter," Karen chimed as several cameras filled his vision and he watched Bucky take a seat whilst Steve joined the queue for the cashier.
"Remind me to never go undercover with these guys," Peter stated out loud as he groaned at the baseball cap-and-sunglasses approach. "You’d think they’d at least stick a hoodie on rather than wearing a t-shirt that tight . They practically scream juiced up on soldier serum." He instinctively leaned forward to hear the audio better as Steve reached the cashier, Karen adjusting the sound for him as he did so. The AI chose not to comment on the fact the sunglasses and baseball cap's were just part of the casual attire for the sunny day.
"And would you like the princess toy with that meal or the car, sir?" the worker asked, clearly unphased by the hero standing in front of her.
"Hey, Bucky?" Steve called out across the restaurant causing several heads to turn. "You want the princess or the car?"
"Which princess is it?" Bucky replied bemused. Steve Rogers was a damned little shit, even if he was now over six foot. Steve’s gaze fell back to the cashier as she checked the Happy Meal boxes and confirmed who was in them.
"Tiana," he shouted slightly louder in a further attempt to embarrass his friend.
"Damn right I want the princess toy then," Bucky responded confidently with an award-winning smile. Yeah, two can play this game.
"Wait. Wait," Peter said to himself as he crawled up towards the roof of the building he had been lingering on. "This is kinda wholesome. I almost don’t want to stop this."
"It does seem like Sergeant Barnes and Captain Rogers are enjoying some quality time together, Peter. Might I suggest you leave them to their burger choices and put Ronald McDonald, Target Subject 1: Jester to rest?"
"How old is McDonald’s out of interest, Karen?" the teen asked as he pulled himself onto the rooftop and then sat down, legs dangling over the edge as they swayed to and fro.
"McDonald’s was founded on the fifteenth May 1940 by Richard and Maurice McDonald. Originally the McDonald brothers sold slow-cooked barbecue sandwiches. Food items such as cheeseburgers were streamlined when the first drive-in restaurant was shut in favour of a new restaurant. Ray Kroc became a franchisee in 1955 and pushed the McDonald brothers out of the company."
"Wow. That’s…rude," Peter concluded as he lent back, placing his arms behind his head and looked up into the sky. He allowed his legs to continue hanging off the edge, gently kicking them up and down.
"Yes, Peter. Incredibly rude."
"Do you think I should maybe... not try and prank the Avengers for their taste in burgers? Not because I am accepting defeat or anything, but maybe because their burger tastes might all come with wholesome sentiments."
"That sounds like a good idea, Peter," Karen assured. "And even if it was defeat, I wouldn’t tell them so they’d never know."
"Is that a hint of sass I’m picking up on there? Sure sounds like."
"To you, Peter? I would never. I have however picked up on a police chase in progress a few blocks from here if you’d like me to direct." With a chuckle at the evident sarcasm in the first half of her sentence, Peter stood from his position and started to run in the direction the AI had pulled up on the screen.
Target two: The King
Peter perched on the illuminated, circular logo of his final destination of retribution. He'd wanted to let it go but this one was too much. It was the ultimate act of treachery and deception and boy did it hurt so much. The young hero shifted enough to catch a glance into the restaurant, before seeing the target grabbing his order and making his way back out. There was a gentle ding of the door as it opened and just as it closed again, Peter dangled from a web so his face was level with his mentor’s.
"Well, well what do we have here?" he questioned rhetorically. The older man jumped with such force the paper bag he was holding crumpled under his startled grip and he almost spilt the drink he was holding.
"What the fu- What are you even doing here, Peter?" Tony gasped, just about gathering his momentum. The kid had honestly been lucky he hadn’t pulled a gauntlet out on him or caused a heart attack.
"I was just following the sound of complete and utter betrayal," Peter retorted, voice up an octave in an effort to impersonate Mother Gothel.
"Are you quoting vines again?" Tony asked with a single brow perked as he started walking the short journey to the car that Happy had been waiting for him in. Peter was quick to hop down from his ambush site and joined him in the casual stroll.
"Oh my God, Mr Stark, it’s Disney," the teen exclaimed, arms up in the air playfully. "Wait, is that Happy’s car? Was he parked right there and he didn’t pre-warn you that I was here?"
"Well, I’ll be addressing that with him later ," Tony responded as he fumbled with the door handle, burger bag now placed on the roof of the car and milkshake in hand. Peter’s lenses could not have been any closer to being closed as he scrutinised the choice in food.
"You were like a father to me, how could you?" he said very suddenly, in a low, gravelly tone.
"Wait, what?" Tony said with a pause before grabbing the bag again and hopping into the backseat. Despite the performance he was giving, the kid didn’t join him. No doubt because he was too polite too without an invite despite Tony telling him otherwise on numerous occasions. Rolling his eyes, the engineer pushed the button to open the window. The moment it was down enough for his face to fit through Peter was leaning down to greet him with more quotes.
"If you're not with me, then you're my enemy."
"Alright. Two can play this game," Tony started. The kid was totally ready to battle with Star Wars quotes. "But first, get in the car, my young padawan. We’re going to draw a crowd and the food you nearly ruined is going to get cold.”
"Bold of you to assume it isn’t already ruined considering it’s Burger King, Mr Stark" Peter said without a hint of remorse as he quickly opened the door and hopped inside. Now hidden by tinted windows he pulled his mask off to reveal his messy curls and was that a black eye?
"Why do I get the feeling you’re going to be the death of me?" Tony questioned more to himself as he had a brief look for any other injuries.
"Oh don’t say that, mentor. You’re the closest thing I have to a father," Peter recited, sticking his bottom lip out at Tony and opening his eyes as wide as humanly possible.
Happy had gone to greet the teen but was immediately astounded by what he had heard as the duo had entered the car. He knew Tony was acutely aware that Peter was due to ambush him over his burger choices at some point. The super soldiers had pre-warned him they'd spotted him watching them whilst out on a date. Happy was also aware that Tony had specifically asked to be driven so that following the inevitable ambush, Peter could have all of his attention. An ambush of an ambush. What the security guard hadn't been prepared for was the overwhelming level of movie geek coming from both instantaneously.
Tony looked in the teen’s direction, waiting for the rest of the sentence. It didn’t take long for the puppy dog stare to stop and Peter started to evidently squirm, cheeks flushing a deep red. He was pretty sure he knew what Tony was waiting for but he wasn’t going to joke about that. Because it was true but that was unchartered territory.
"Well? No declaration of love and not wanting to cause me pain? Do we need to rewatch Attack of the Clones?" Tony demanded, though his tone remained light-hearted. The engineer chose not to mention the twang in his chest when using the word love with Peter, even if they had been joking around.
"No, no, Mr Stark... I, er. Hey, have you ever considered, I dunno, making the full Mandalorian armour set? For funsies," Peter asked in an attempt to change the subject.
"Have you ever considered stitching together a little homemade baby Yoda robe?" Tony questioned back, deciding to allow the change if it had made the kid that uncomfortable. The question had Peter snorting, which at least eased the mood.
"Are you saying you'd only consider making it if you got the full experience of falling in fatherly love with an alien who you then go onto adopt?"
Tony frowned playfully as he desperately fought to stave off a warm smile. The flush of Peter’s cheeks and look of pure innocence washed over his face. There was the 'l' word again already. Abort. Abort. Don't make this awkward, Parker.
"You're putting words in my mouth now, kiddo," Tony replied with the point of an accusatory finger in Peter’s direction.
"Well. This is the way."