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At the first touch, he flinched.
After the flinching came the cold sweats and after the trembling would come the vomit. But Kaz didn’t let himself reach that last step. Though he could feel the acid taste crawling up his throat, he fought through it. The feeling was unbearable but this time, it wasn’t without reason. Kaz wasn’t fighting his instincts to get through the moment or the night. No, he was fighting his instincts because for as long as he’d spent carefully grafting the armor on his skin, he promised to spend twice as long trying to separate himself from it.
His gloves, his cane, his coat, he practiced shedding these things once in a while. He’d done it all before, this same miserable attempt at recovery, he’d done it all and lost it all too. But why did this time feel so different?
Was it the lingering memory of the goodbye at the port? Was it the promise of reunion when she’d come back? Was it that sight of her smile, untainted by anything they’d been through that made him feel like a boy again? Was it… no, it was her smile. It was definitely her smile.
Communication and letters from Inej had halted as soon as he’d let her sail off with her parents. It was not a tearful goodbye, for both him and Inej weren’t one for tears, but the closest he’d come to the feeling was his heart bursting with an unknown tightness at seeing Inej and her parents. They embraced her like it’d only been a day since they parted. After all the distance and time, there wasn’t any hesitation from either of them to share their love with each other.
That was when Kaz first felt it. The first strike to his heart. Those years that Inej couldn’t be with her family, she was with him. And even despite those years, her parents welcomed her back by opening their heart fully and with certainty.
He hadn’t felt childish emotions like jealousy in a long time. But seeing Inej and her parents made him feel it. He wasn’t jealous of Inej, not at all… he was jealous because he wanted to love and be loved too, as openly and doubtlessly as the group of people in front of him.
There was no tension in Inej’s shoulders with her parents, no furrowed brows or feet ready to prance away. There was no armour on her with the people she loved.
It was then when he thought if that could be him too. Could he love and be loved too, if he found a way to let down his guard completely? He had a distant memory of being a child, foolish and naive, but he hadn’t indulged in that in a long time.
When Inej sailed off with her parents, he stood at the port till dusk. Even after the ship was long gone, after she was far out of sight, Kaz stood still where the ship had embarked from and watched the sea. Some day, she’d return, perhaps unannounced. She’d return, bringing back her smile and her love… would Kaz be ready to receive it?
Now, that same thought pulsed through him as he curled his shaking fingers into a fist. He was… how did Wylan call it? Practicing?
A terrible word to describe what Kaz was going through, but he called it that nonetheless. In the mornings, he’d terrify the rest of the Barrel, strike down on the men who exploited boys like him and girls Inej. He’d do jobs all to put a little bit in his pocket. In the afternoons, he’d come back to lead the Crow Club, an army of dregs now under his command. Though Kaz was used to it, it was still no easy feat and it’d take up most of his day, giving instructions, looking over dealings. Sometimes, that work threatened to bleed into his night but Kaz never allowed that.
The nights… Those were reserved for practicing. Kaz walked around the ground floor of the Crow Club, his gloves tucked in his pocket if it all became too much. In the loud noise of the gambling and the people, no one noticed how strangely Kaz was pacing around, how his ungloved hand was brushing against people in the crowd.
He could almost laugh with victory. How many hands had touched his tonight in casual passing? Ten, maybe fifteen? It tightened his throat but nothing happened. Despite all the big things Kaz accomplished today, from hundreds of kruge added to his pocket and a pleasure house out of his business under his command, this felt like the biggest feat.
When the night was over and he retreated to his room, he wished he could write to Inej. A few lines, nothing more, nothing less, he wouldn’t reveal anything about his practicing or this small accomplishment but just… something to remind her of him. Something so she’d know he was thinking of her, because he was, always.
But when the night passed, thoughts of her became worn out and now, he wasn’t thinking of her at all. His chest heaved in a rapid motion, looking for air that couldn’t come into his lungs. He wasn’t thinking of Inej or the dregs or anything but the memory of surviving out on sea.
He was thinking of Jordie now. Of how hard he fought to survive, how if he hadn’t covered himself in the touch of skin, he would be at the bottom of an ocean right now. How he promised that whatever his life came down to next time, it wouldn’t be anything that replicated that feeling of skin on skin.
Sweat soaked his scalp. How many hands had he touched tonight again? Ten… maybe fifteen, wasn’t it? Fifteen people’s skin on his, the feeling of the hands brushing still vivid in his mind. Suddenly, it wasn’t victory tugging the bile down into his body, it was disgust pushing it out. Kaz leaned over the sink and acid crawled out.
/
Kaz’s hand ran over the oar. He pushed it against the waves, back and forth, fighting the tide. He didn’t stop for a moment and it carried him over the expanse of the sea smoothly.
He eyed the small boat scrutinizingly. This small wooden thing… this is what could’ve kept him afloat, had someone offered it to a boy on the verge of death. As he pushed the oar, he thought of himself desperately paddling to get to shore with nothing but his hands and his brother.
Kaz hated what ifs, but there was no one out here on this lonely sea to berate him for breaking his own rules. Here, he could spend an eternity thinking about what could’ve happened had the smallest thing in his life changed. If years ago, it was this very boat carrying him out of sea and instead of his short arms, it was this oar. What could life have been if he hadn’t had to fight for it?
Maybe it wouldn’t have been different at all. After all, he was still escaping death by seconds everywhere he went. His life was always in danger and everything he did felt like that night where he fought to stay afloat.
His gaze turned to the empty sea. Somewhere, Inej was out there with her parents and she would be laughing and smiling. She, too, had escaped death countless times like Kaz but she didn’t carry her guard with her at all times. She fought to stay alive but she fought to love too.
A strike came to his heart again, like the one when he saw Inej with her parents. Kaz didn’t want to spend everything in him just to stay alive. He wanted something more too. He didn’t want every day to feel like that day on sea, paddling with all his might for the promise of life. That day, along with many others, were long gone and now Kaz was a rich man, who didn’t have to demand the right to be alive.
That day is gone, he repeated to himself in the quiet. He would never forget Jordie and he would never forget what it took from him to make it out alive. But he would also never forget that his life was worth more now than before. He had money, he had a gang, he had a cause… he had Inej.
As the boat gently swayed to take him back to shore, Kaz felt a little lighter. There was a life waiting for him, and he didn’t have to fight for it or scream help for it. All he had to do was take it when he was ready.
/
“You’re being too lenient, Wylan. It seems like you’ve forgotten Jesper’s history.”
Jesper’s mouth dropped. “Kaz, would it hurt you to not talk about me like I’m not right here?”
Kaz smiled ever so slightly, and now Wylan’s mouth dropped too, but in shock. “It would.”
“I must be inhaling too much of the jurda on my dad’s farm. I swear I just hallucinated something very weird.”
Wylan blinked. “Was it Kaz smiling? I think I saw the same thing.”
The smile on Kaz’s face was replaced by an unamused frown. “Have you two come to waste my time? What business?” he scoffed, before adding, “apart from asking my advice on Jesper’s gambling. Which, by the way, is a no.”
“I’m still right here.”
“I still don’t care,” Kaz said. “Now, what is it?”
Wylan wore a childish grin, reaching for the papers Kaz handed back to him that detailed their finances. “Well, I thought you’d be glad to know- wait, Kaz, where are your gloves?”
The two boys’ eyes now looked at Kaz’s bare hands, and even Kaz glanced at his hands nonchalantly. “Nevermind that.”
Jesper’s head darted around the room, looking at the surface of the office table. The gloves were nowhere to be seen. “You don’t wear them anymore?”
Kaz didn’t bother with a reply, taking Wylan’s hand and slapping the papers onto it with annoyance. Neither of the boys missed how Kaz willingly grabbed Wylan’s hands, something they hadn’t seen Kaz do with perhaps anyone. Jesper looked at Kaz with a new intensity and smiled.
“What?”
“Nothing,” he quickly blurted. He wouldn’t tell Kaz even if his life came to it but… Kaz didn’t look so scary anymore. He did when they were out with the rest of the dregs, but now alone in this room together, Kaz looked like one of them. There was still irritation grazing his expression but it wasn’t as it’d once been. Could Kaz actually be softening up to us after two near-death missions? As soon as the thought came, Jesper laughed it away.
“I have some news,” Wylan said, grinning again. “I have a contact out on sea, managing some of this work, which also, you wouldn’t expect but is far more challenging than-”
“Wylan.”
“Right, sorry. My contact said that they’ve seen a ship sailing towards Ketterdam harbors. If he recalls correctly, the ship was called The Wraith,” Wylan said with a knowing smile.
Jesper watched Kaz’s controlled expression loosen the tiniest bit. Irritation and impatience gone, he was wearing surprise… and hope?
Kaz swallowed. “How far was it?”
“He suspects it’ll take another night before it reaches ports,” Wylan said.
Kaz nodded, looking away from the two and staring out with an unreadable expression.
“But anyway, I think since you’ll be going to collect Inej, you can let her know she can come stay with us at my house. Fair warning, my mother’s been painting a lot these days so her old room is a little filled but-”
Jesper cut him off with a smile. “Wylan?”
“Yeah?”
“I think he stopped listening like five minutes ago,” Jesper grinned and when Wylan glanced at Kaz, sure enough, he wasn’t listening. He was lost in thought and this time, a full-fledged smile had made its way to his face.
“I knew I wasn't hallucinating,” Jesper remarked in awe at the unfamiliar smile Kaz wore.
Wylan’s eyes widened. “I don’t even think Nina will believe this. Jesper, if you can get me a pen and paper, I’ll just-”
Kaz’s head snapped up, the smile gone and his glare back. “Now would be the time for you two to leave.”
Wylan pouted and Jesper made his way to the door, leaving Kaz alone to bask in his strange expression. On his way out, Jesper mumbled, “I knew it was too good to be true.”
/
A year had passed since Kaz last stood on this port, staring out into the sea for a ship that wouldn’t return. A year had passed but the view hadn’t changed. The sun still dipped into the water with colors of dusk, the busy people bustling in the Kerch trade. Kaz fit perfectly into this picture of Ketterdam too, his cane against his leg and his hands tucked into his pockets.
The view hadn’t changed but a lot else had. For one, Kaz didn’t stare out at the edge of the sea feeling lost. He stood like this was a moment in time he too should cherish. He wasn’t standing, ready to fight for his life, though he would if anything broke out on these streets right now. Instead, he was standing and remarking at Ketterdam.
The shore he swam to when he fought for his life, the port he left from when he chased after a promise of kruge, the board where he sent off Inej for her journey and the sea where he came to terms with his own. So much had happened on these grounds. He used to say Ketterdam and the Barrel raised him to scare off his enemies but it really did become true. Here was Kaz Brekker’s legacy, in the pleasure homes and businesses he closed down, in the honest traders now given an opportunity to work here.
Kaz Rietveld might have been born in Lij but Kaz Brekker was born here. This was the place that made him and this was the place he made. He fought to survive but he also now fought to make it better somehow.
His eyes turned back to the sea, tracing over the waves. They swam delicately, undisturbed, and Kaz wondered what would happen if Inej didn’t arrive today at all. After all, he was coming out not because of a letter she’d sent or a signal from her but a rumor from Wylan. But truth be told, he would’ve come from even less.
Kaz came prepared to stand and wait the whole night at this port, no matter the pain in his leg. There was a life waiting for him to take it, and he’d come to collect that.
Kaz was eighteen now, and ready for it. He’d worked hard this year, spending hours for the first time on his thoughts and past to be ready for his future. He never paused to think about his present, too busy living it with some job or mission, but now he stopped once in a while to take in the world and think about where he was. Sometimes, he even let his mind rest and not think anything at all.
The delicate wave of the sea shattered and changed direction. Kaz’s heart thrummed, looking up carefully. In the distance, a ship came this way.
With every inch it crawled closer, the water moved as if to make way for Ketterdam’s most beloved guest. Maybe it was just Kaz’s imagination. Maybe she was just Ketterdam’s most beloved guest to him.
The noise of the ship loudened the closer it got. When it halted, Kaz watched it adjust to the dock before passengers came crawling out. All of them wore a smile, despite the long journey at sea and it made Kaz bite back a smile. Of course, only on Inej’s ship would passengers leave happier than they had boarded.
His eyes stopped at every face leaving. He looked desperately for her, seeing passengers exit with boxes and crates in hand. They each walked past him, paying no mind to the strange eighteen-year-old who stood still patiently.
When the last of them cleared out, Kaz felt sick to his core. She hadn’t come out with them.
But then he heard her voice. “Can you bring the ropes from the back?!”
Distracted in her conversation, she appeared like something of a dream at the top of The Wraith’s exit. Her hair had grown in the year away, weaved together in a different type of complex braid. She wore a short shirt, leaving her arms bare. There was a grin on her face as she spoke to the man on the ship. It was enough to let Kaz know that she hadn’t come back the same person she left as. She was much more happy in her voice, much more alive than she’d been here. She was much more beautiful.
Kaz couldn’t find the voice in him to call her name. He was so used to her appearing next to him and vanishing the next second that he never knew what it’d feel like to call for Inej. The silly struggle almost made him crack a smile. Now, he really felt like a boy.
He didn’t need to call for her. When she took a few steps down, she paused and her eyes landed on him. She stared at him for a short moment and then gave a furtive smile, like the two were sharing a secret between glances.
Before she could reach the end of the path, Kaz dug one of his hands out of his pockets and waved. Inej’s surprise at his bare hand made the furtive smile disappear. Then, it became replaced with another smile.
It wasn’t the one Kaz had memorized, the one he thought he promised to die to see. Her smile had changed.
Now, she looked at him with joy and affection, unguarded in her eyes. She smiled at him like she didn’t have anything she wanted to hold back after so long apart. Every second of this reunion made Kaz feel more like a boy than ever.
But he didn’t have any complaints. For the old smile, Kaz was willing to die but for this new one, the one where she didn’t hide an ounce of her feelings, Kaz was willing to give his back, just so he could see it a little longer. He waited for this moment, and it all came down to this.
With a grin that made him feel like eight, rather than eighteen, Kaz removed his other hand from his coat too and opened his arms wide, ready to receive her in an embrace. Immediately, he wanted to tuck his hands back in his pockets at the mere childishness of the act but Inej’s laugh that echoed over the sea made him stop.
He was a boy and he was taking the life ready to be given to him, one which let the two divulging roads of his life from Jordie’s death both be a reality. He was not naive but he was not cruel. Kaz was just human, now wanting to love and be loved.
/
Despite all the years together, Inej never quite knew what Kaz Brekker felt like. Now, her hands wrapped around the width of his coat, her head buried in his pale neck. She even felt the expanse of his palm on her back. Was this Kaz Brekker or was this a dream she’d made up to stop missing him?
“Is this without armor enough for you?” his voice was a low mumble in her ear, and there was even a teasing tone to it. Her eyes widened. This had to be reality, for even in her wildest dreams, she would never conjure such an image of Kaz.
“Kaz,” she managed to say. A sob was caught in her throat. “Is this okay for you?”
She felt him nod against her shoulder, one of his hands now rubbing her hair. She’d always caught him staring at it but she’d never picture a day to come where he’d caress it. She thought of Kaz before he left, guarded and cold to the world. That Kaz would faint at even the thought of the way the two were hugging now but somehow, the Kaz in front of her was fine.
“Please don’t lie to me,” a tear slipped from her eye. “It’s fine if it isn’t okay for you.”
He pulled back slightly and now, Inej got to witness the smile on his face. Even her Saints would laugh in disbelief at this smile. It told a different story to every other expression of Kaz’s that she’d memorized.
“Is it fine for you?” he asked, flipping the question back. Inej nodded vigorously, fearful that he’d let go. She would let go for him if he needed it, but she didn’t need it at all. She didn’t want to be let go.
She couldn’t help but think of the words he’d given to her once, almost a lifetime ago now. I would come for you, he’d told her. He’d promised to come for her, crawling. He’d promised to come for her no matter what, and later in that lifetime, she promised herself that she’d fight for him but wouldn’t waste her life trying to heal him.
And now… now he’d come for her, not crawling nor bruised but with a smile that made her dizzy and open arms. The world was made of miracles, wasn’t it? That was what she’d thought at the sight of her parents, and now it had proven to be true once more.
Inej wanted her whole life to feel like this, miracle after miracle.
“Will you stay?” Kaz asked, hesitation peeking into his gravelly voice.
Inej looked up at him. Those bitter coffee eyes she remembered so well, the ones she’d think of out on sea, on days she’d pretend he was beside her… those eyes were glimmering now, like a pretty picture. She hadn’t come to Ketterdam with the intent to stay for long but if miracles were willing to happen, she decided that she should stay to witness them.
She smiled. “Yes. For a while.”
Kaz’s grin came again. They were both a year older now, but he looked younger and she felt fifteen again, laying her eyes on a boy she wished would give her a second look.
He turned his head, glancing at the lively Ketterdam streets. Much had changed in Inej’s time away, it seemed. New shops she didn’t recognize, new merchants, an air of innocence to a place that darkness loomed over.
“Shall we go?” Kaz asked, a hand offered out to her.
She took it. His fingers slipped between hers and now, they were holding hands with nothing keeping them apart. “Where are we going?”
He smiled as if holding a secret. “Ketterdam isn’t the same place you left it, Inej. As the person who’s changed it, I think I should show you around.”
Inej laughed. Along with a handsome smile, it seemed like arrogance was another thing he picked up in their time apart. But she would humor him because there was no boy in the Barrel that deserved to be proud of himself more than him.
She nodded to him and the two walked off to explore the city that would keep bringing them together every once in a while for the rest of their lives.