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It was all because of fucking Valentine’s Day, just for the record. Meeks was doing just fine until February came around.
It’s not that Meeks doesn’t like the holiday; that’s not the problem. And it’s not the fact that the other poets are pretty enthusiastic about Valentines Day; Todd and Neil like any holiday that’s not Thanksgiving or Christmas, Charlie claims he hates Valentine’s Day but still won’t stop bothering Knox about what their plans for the fourteenth are, and Pitts loves every holiday that has ever or will ever exist. But that’s not what’s bothering Meeks.
People keep asking him what his plans are.
“So Meeks, what are your plans for Valentine's Day?”
“Oh— I don’t know,” he says, because that’s easier than saying that this holiday makes him feel isolated as fuck and that he’ll probably just spend the day studying for his next exam.
Because the problem is Steven Meeks has never been in love and will never be in love, and he honestly thought he’d made his peace with that.
He truly did.
Meeks has been out as aromantic and asexual since Junior year of high school and he'd never had a problem with it. He had finally found a label that fit all these feelings he had and his friends were nothing but sweet and encouraging. Finally, he was comfortable. Finally, he was himself.
He doesn't know when things changed; he doesn’t know when comfort and reassurance swapped places with this sick feeling he’s been getting when he thinks about his aromanticism. This strange disconnect in his chest with the realization that he will never be in love.
Ever.
Meeks doesn't want a partner; that's the thing. There has never been a day where he’d look at someone across a coffee shop or at a bookstore or even at one of his friends and thought “I want to date them”.
Because he doesn’t want to date anyone. He couldn’t look at anyone like that if he tried, and trust him, he's tried.
He remembers trying to date a girl his Sophomore year of high school and being genuinely confused, because taking her to the movie theatre felt no different than going to the movies with Charlie or Neil or any of his other friends and he was certainly in love with all of the poets.
Not romantically, anyway.
And so, for some reason, Valentine's Day feels lonely knowing that everything everyone is celebrating he’ll never be a part of.
He’s tried to date, tried to be a part of it, but he can’t. He just doesn’t feel that attraction, isn’t drawn to touch and romance and every other thing that seems to send all these hopeless romantics tripping over themselves.
Not to mention the idea of being kissed bothers him. He can not express how uncomfortable the idea of being kissed makes him.
It’s just that when he sees the soft way Neil looks at Todd or the little smile Charlie has when Knox starts scolding him for whatever stupid thing he’s pulled Knox into, he just feels like he’s—
Missing out.
Meeks, along with the rest of the poets, is in the early spring of his Sophmore year. His friends are still supportive of course, even if it’s been years since Meeks came out.
Groupchat: We All Wish We Were Walt Whitman
Steven Meeks
Sorry kids, I only put out for SCIENCE
Charlie
ahdjjskjsisksks
STEVEN MEEKS HAS A HARD ON FOR BILL NYE
AND BILL NYE ONLY
Pittsie
meeks’ only kink is physics <3
Neil
the only thing he sucks on is knowledge ;)
Todd
i was in class, what is happening in this chat
Neil
Wait love when are you going to be back?
I have practice tonight but I want to get dinner first <3
Charlie
OH MY GOD NEIL AND TODD
ARE GETTING NASEATING AGAIN
It’s just different because they don’t quite understand.
Meeks once talked to Charlie about it. He doesn’t know why the hell he went to Charlie for advice, Charlie is the worst person to go to in that kind of situation, but it was over a year back and Neil was stressed about his Dad and Todd was stressed about school and Cameron was just stressed. And he really didn't know Pitts or Knox that well yet. So, Charlie, it was.
Meeks went on a long rant about how all of the poets are going to grow up and get married and Meeks is just going to be here, not knowing what to do with himself. He told Charlie that he feels left out for never having felt a feeling that makes people write stories and songs and poetry.
Charlie just said, with no ill intentions, that "you can't miss something that you don't want and have never felt, can you?"
Well, Charlie Dalton can fuck off.
Meeks doesn't exactly get it either; Meeks just feels like everyone but him has been invited to a party that he doesn't want to go to, and even though he doesn't want to be there, it kind of hurts that no one invited him. He wishes it could be his decision not to go. But instead, his stupid metaphorical party has a big sign out front that says GO HOME STEVEN in all caps.
Maybe he's overthinking this. Maybe he should go to an actual party and sleep with someone to make sure he doesn't like it.
But he already knows what the answer will be; the idea of doing anything with anyone makes his skin crawl.
So, in one last-ditch effort to not feel like shit, Meeks decides to go out with all the poets on February 13th.
Meeks is hoping it will be a good night, a night that will get Meeks’ mind off the thing that he seems to be missing out on. But, the day of, Meeks finds out Pitts can’t make it and he immediately gets a bad feeling. On a night like this, on a rough night, having Pitts there would be a wonderful thing because Pitts understands Meeks like no one else does.
But the dinner goes well. It’s just the usual; him and the poets joking and laughing and raising hell. Todd stays close to Neil as always and Charlie and Knox are bickering as always, but nothing happens to make Meeks finally crack.
At least, not until after dinner.
They finally leave the restaurant, catching disapproving stares from various customers who were disturbed by the racket the poets were making. The six of them make their way onto the sidewalk in front of the restaurant and immediately, an argument of what to do next breaks out between them. It’s like any argument the poets have; lighthearted and mainly carried by Charlie and Cameron.
Meeks glances over at Knox, who is watching Charlie argue with the most affectionate you’re-an-idiot face Meeks can imagine so then he looks over to Neil and Todd, who have stepped away from the argument, and Neil is saying something quietly to Todd. It’s probably Todd having one of his moments of anxiety and Meeks starts to look away but before he can, he catches the soft way Todd looks at Neil and then he sees the small I love you Todd mouths to Neil.
All of a sudden it’s too much.
“I need a moment,” Meeks says loudly, and he immediately high-tails it down the street. He can tell the poets are watching him go with confused looks, but he turns the corner and he’s thankful to find a bench by the bus stop there.
He takes a seat and lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. God, why can’t Pitts be here tonight? Although Pitts and Meeks will only ever be platonic, the world feels much less lonely when Pitts is there. Pitts is Meeks’s best friend, and he’s always solid when nothing else is.
A little bit of time passes, and Meeks doesn’t know if he was expecting anyone to follow but when someone turns the corner, he’s surprised by him—
It’s Todd.
Todd doesn’t say anything when he sits next to Meeks; he just takes a seat on the bench, poking a piece of gravel on the sidewalk with the toe of his shoe. They sit there in silence for a long moment; Todd and Meeks haven’t very often talked one on one, but seeing as they're probably the two quietest people in the group, it kind of makes sense.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Todd’s voice is soft and kind and honestly, Meeks couldn’t appreciate him more in this moment. He doesn’t even know what’s upsetting Meeks, but he still asks, and honestly, that means the world.
Meeks just starts with a quiet laugh. “I hate asking for advice.”
“Why’s that?” Todd turns to him, eyebrows raised.
“I’m just supposed to know everything.”
“It’s— unreasonable to ask that of yourself,” Todd says. The way he says it isn’t judging, it’s just—
Honest.
Meeks lets out a small laugh. “I know.”
“Well even if I’m not quite— quite you smart, I might have something helpful to say. Or if nothing else— I listen.”
It’s true; that’s one of the things Meeks thinks the rest of the poets like about Todd. He always hears what someone’s trying to say, and is probably the best person to go to in a situation like this; it’s worth a shot.
Meeks lets out a loud sigh and then nods. “Yeah, talking about it would probably help.”
“I’m all ears.”
“Well, it’s like this—” Meeks starts and then he comes clean about the thing that’s been bothering him for much longer than he’d care to admit. He explains to Todd all about how he feels like he’s missing out, how he’s so comfortable in his identity, but so simultaneously uncomfortable with everything he is.
There’s a minute of silence that passes between them after Meeks finishes what he’s saying, and he can’t tell if Todd is chewing on his words or if he has nothing left to say. Either way, it feels like a relief to Meeks to have it off his chest.
“I—” Todd starts and then considers a bit more before continuing. “I can’t say I understand, because I don’t but— I haven’t said it much but I’ve always felt very demisexual. Neil is the only person I’ve ever felt sexually attracted to. I’m not— I’m not huge on labels, that’s why I’ve always preferred just using queer instead of specifying gay or something, but I think demisexual would fit.”
“Really?”
Todd nods. “But the thing that I’ve realized about it all is: if you asked me why Neil and I work as a couple, I would probably tell you it’s because— we get each other. He listens to me and cares about the things I-I do even if it’s not something he would give a shit about otherwise. We work because— he’s supportive and cares about me and is the only person who’s ever held my hand while I’m having a panic attack.”
Meeks nods.
“But none of those things I just listed say anything about romantic love or sex or are even anything that’s exclusive to a non-platonic relationship. He did all of those things— long before we dated; he's been that way since we met. And I mean— sex is cool if it's a thing you want and love is great if it's a thing you want but if you don't have it— you aren't missing something. Being in a relationship doesn't make you any more whole. Dating Neil or sleeping with him doesn't make me any more whole; knowing Neil and having him care about me is the important part. Having him in my life is what matters.”
Meeks is pretty sure that’s the first helpful thing someone has said on the matter; he’s not sure if he’s ever heard Todd talk this much in one go before, but he’s grateful Todd is using his words even though it can be a hard thing for him. Because when Todd speaks, it’s always something poetic and helpful and Meeks thinks maybe the two of them need to spend more one-on-one time together, maybe go to a bookstore or something—
“You think so?” Meeks asks. “You think that I’m really not missing out?”
Todd nods. “Neil may be my boyfriend but he’s also my best friend and honestly— I think that’s the part that matters most. Like— I’m sure, even though his friendship is completely different with Charlie than his relationship with me, I-I can tell you that he cares about us both so much; whoever decided that romantic love is the number one type of love clearly never had any good friends.”
Meeks laughs a little bit at that. “I guess movies and books and everything has just fucked me up and now I feel like I’ll never be fulfilled without romantic love even though I don’t fucking want it. It’s just everyone’s being nineteen and stupid and falling in love, and I’m just kind of— here.”
Todd sits on this for a minute before speaking again.
“Just because you'll never be in romantic love doesn't mean you can't love. Love has more layers than people give it credit for. And— there are such things as platonic other halves.”
Platonic other halves . Meeks lets himself bask in that for a moment; there are such things as platonic other halves.
“Yeah, there are,” Meeks says, but his mind is whirring. Something about the phrase has him caught on it.
Todd just nods.
“Yeah,“ Meeks says again. He decides to go on with the other part that’s bothering him. “It’s just I have you all and I know that’s all I need, all I even want, but I just— you all are going to get older, and you have Neil and Knox has Charlie and I’m sure Cameron will get a boyfriend at some point and then there’s just going to be me.”
“You have Pitts,” Todd says and that’s true. Meeks does have Pitts; but Pitts is going to find someone someday and then it’s just going to be Meeks.
“I’m sure Pitts will get a girlfriend soon.”
“But Pitts is your best friend. He’s—”
“Hey— are you guys okay?”
Meeks and Todd both look up and there’s Cameron coming around the corner. He stops awkwardly on the sidewalk.
“Hey, yeah— we’re just talking,” Meeks says. Cameron nods.
“Okay, yeah, we just thought someone else could check on you all since it’s been a minute. Neil insisted he be the one to check on you guys but they sent me instead. Something about me being quieter and less of an interruption to your conversation ,” Cameron says and then looks at Todd and raises his hands in surrender. “Knox’s words, not mine.”
This makes Todd grin widely. “Yeah. Of course, Neil tried to insist.”
“You really fucking love him, huh?” Cameron asks, sitting on the other side of Meeks.
Todd immediately turns beet red. “Uh— not the— uh— topic of conversation, I don’t think.”
“What is up?” Cameron asks Meeks.
What’s the harm in asking Cameron’s opinion?
Meeks turns to Cameron. “Do you ever feel like you’re missing out on something because you’re not interested in sex?”
Cameron looks completely taken aback, turns as red as his hair, and then opens his mouth and closes it again a few times like a dying fish.
“I— uh— no?”
“Really?”
Cameron considers this for another moment and as soon as the red in his cheeks calms down, he takes a shot at speaking. “I guess— everyone talks and jokes about sex so much and I guess sometimes I feel a bit lost, if that makes sense. Why?”
It’s not often that Richard Cameron says comforting things, but this is one of the few exceptions.
“I was just talking to Todd about how sometimes I feel left out of the group since I’m aroace. That’s all.”
“I get that, I guess,” Cameron says and a silence falls between the three of them. Meeks thinks about what they’ve said, and for the first time this week, Meeks feels loads less alone.
“Well, we should probably be getting back,” Meeks says. “Everyone’s probably going to be wondering where the hell I fucked off to.”
Cameron nods and Todd gets to his feet, and the three of them make their way around the corner and back up the street.
When they get back, there are four poets instead of three.
“Hey,” Pitts says when he catches Meeks’ look of surprise. “I know I’m pretty fucking late but I thought I’d at least try and make it for the end.”
Charlie offers a grin. “Oh trust me, Pittsie, we’re not done for the evening.”
Knox raises his eyebrows at Charlie. “We’re not?”
“Hell no! We’re going back to the house and having a poets meeting.”
Cameron seems to have lost all energy to object, so back to the house it is.
“Back home we go,” Neil says and he takes Todd’s hand in his. Todd gives Meeks a worried look but Meeks just shakes his head; he doesn’t care if the couples in their group do their thing. It’s about Meeks, not about anyone else; he doesn’t want his friends to have to tiptoe around him as he gets this all figured out.
All the poets start walking, but Meeks follows a bit behind, still lost in thought. It’s not until he speaks that Meeks realizes someone is hanging back with him.
“Hey, you okay?” Pitts asks. He bumps Meeks’s shoulder lightly in that companionable way people do sometimes, and it makes Meeks smile a bit.
“I think so. Just a hard day,” Meeks says, and it’s not a lie.
Pitts nods and Meeks can tell he understands without having to exchange any words, and they follow behind the rest of the poets, in all their loud, chaotic glory.
Meeks comes up with the idea later that night when he and Pitts are halfway back to Massachusetts.
Steven Meeks has added Todd and Cameron to a group chat
Steven Meeks has changed the group chat name to aspec club boysssss
Todd
sksksksksksk
is this our own subset of the dead poets society?
aspec club?
Steven Meeks
Hell yeah!
Nah I just made it so we can
finish our earlier convo
Like in response to what Cameron said:
I’m all here for the sex jokes
but at the same time like
what
I just,,, don’t understand
Why would one do the sex??
Todd
see since i think i’m demi i like,,, kinda get that?
but like
i’m just neilsexual tbh
like with neil? hell yeah
with literally anyone else? ew
Cameron
People are weird.
I just don’t fucking get it.
“What are you smiling at?” Pitts asks.
Meeks looks up to see Pitts glancing over at him from the driver’s seat.
“Oh, nothing,” Meeks says.
“Come on! I wanna know,” Pitts responds. He’s sending this sweet, almost convincing smile in Meeks’s direction.
“No, seriously,” Meeks says. “It’s nothing.”
But truth is, having people to talk about this with is Something. A good something.
Sure enough, Meeks spends most of Valentine’s Day studying, but as it turns out, he’s not the only one.
ask meeks chat!!!
Knox
Hey Meeks I have a homework questiom
Steven Meeks
Yeah! What class?
Knox
It’s calculus
And I want to throw myself into the abyss
Charlie
BABE NO
Steven Meeks
Sounds good! Just message me the question and I’ll work it out
then I can call you and explain it!
Knox
MEEKS I LOVE YOU
Here’s the question:
Knox has sent a photo
Charlie
Darling
Sweetums
Pookie I’m right here
Love me instead :((((
Knox
Charlie I’m literally sitting right next to you
And I love you but you don’t help with my HW
Steven Meeks
Cool just give me a bit to work on it!
Knox
Yeah, just let me know when your done and I’ll call you!
Thank you so much Meeks, I owe you
Neil
EW THAT PROBLEM LOOKS BRUTAL
and that, kids, is why i’m a theatre major
Oh great now Charlie and Knox are making out
Like INTENSLEY
i’m going to go stab out my eyes with a fork
Steven Meeks
Don’t they have a date to go on?
Neil
Yeah i think so, but they have work to finish first
Okay if they don’t stop making out aggressively in the middle
Of our living room, I’m going to throw something at them
Steven Meeks
Sksksksks
Charlie
OW NEIL WTF
Meeks can’t stop himself from laughing; when it comes down to it, he really loves his friends. He thinks about what Todd said. There are such things as platonic other halves.
"Hey. Meeks?"
Meeks looks up from the paper where he was starting to work on Knox’s question to see Pitts. He’s been sitting in the library for the better half of the last hour, and didn’t even know Pitts knew where he was.
"You alright?"
"Yeah," Meeks says. He's about to elaborate but he doesn't know what more there is to say so he doesn't. Pitts nods, clearly not completely believing him, but he doesn’t push.
“Wanna come back and do your work in the dorm?” Pitts asks.
Meeks nods and immediately starts to pack up his things.
“Need help carrying your books?”
Meeks looks down at the pile of books sitting in front of him, mostly math and physics textbooks from the problems he had been working on before Knox asked for help.
“If you want, sure. They’re pretty heavy though, it’s gonna be kind of a pain in the ass.”
Pitts just shakes his head and takes the books, and Meeks puts the rest of his things in his bag; Pitts waits for him, like he always does, and it’s one of those little things that shouldn’t be a big deal but it means worlds to Meeks.
Pitts doesn’t say anything until they get back to their dorm. Their dorm is what Meeks would consider his safe place; every surface covered in books and spare parts of different projects the two of them have tried to pursue. They have all sorts of knick-knacks on the windowsill and all different posters on the walls: from Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, pretty much any Marvel movie in the franchise. It’s nerdy and it’s so perfectly Meeks and Pitts that Meeks can’t help but love it.
When they do get back, Meeks catches the tight frown on Pitts’s lips before he even speaks.
“Seriously, are you okay? Something’s been up with you recently,” Pitts says, setting Meeks’s textbooks down on his desk before turning back to the conversation, leaning up against Meeks’s desk with his arms crossed.
Meeks pretends to consider the question for a minute, to give it deeper thought, but he’s really wondering if Pitts will understand. Pitts, as far as Meeks knows, is as heterosexual and as heteroromantic as they get, and he’s not sure if Pitts will understand any bit of what he’s going through.
But then again, Pitts is the smartest person Meeks knows (fuck what the poets say, Meeks would put money on the fact that Pitts is actually smarter than him) and he’s sure even if he doesn’t understand emotionally, he’ll have a logical understanding of the whole thing.
Plus, he’ll be kind about it. This is Pitts, after all.
“I’ve just been thinking. A lot.”
Pitts gives a small grin. “Meeks, you’re always thinking— you’re gonna have to clue me in more than that.”
“I’ve been thinking and— it’s not logical. I’m always logical and I hate when I feel shit that there’s no easy explanation for.”
Pitts just nods, encouraging Meeks to continue. Meeks goes to take a seat on Pitts’s bed so that he can still look at Pitts when he’s talking.
“I’ve just been thinking a lot about the whole… me being aroace thing.”
“Yeah?”
“And I just— I know I’m aromantic and I know I’m asexual but recently I just feel like I’m alone. I don’t want to fall in love but you are all going to grow up and find partners and I’m just gonna be left behind. I just feel like I’m— missing out. And it’s not logical because I don’t want love or sex or anything so then— why do I feel left out?”
When Pitts comes to sit down next to Meeks he has to push aside some pieces for whatever the hell he’s most recently been building for the engineering class he’s taking “just for fun”.
Meeks knows his and Pitts’s definition of fun is a little different than most people’s.
“I’m not you so I can’t say I get exactly what you’re going through but-- that’s understandable that you feel that way. It makes sense that you feel like you’re not a part of this whole falling in love thing everybody’s doing but-- you’re still always going to always be a part of our group. You may feel alone sometimes but you’re not,” Pitts says. “You have us. You have-- me.”
Meeks just looks at him, waiting for him to continue, but he’s stuck on Pitts’s response; Pitts gets it. Pitts understands and even bigger than that— Pitts is here for him.
“You’re not gonna miss out— you have all the poets and no matter if we all grow up and get married, you’re still going to have a place in all their lives. Especially in mine.”
“What about once you find a girlfriend?” Meeks asks. He bumps the side of his foot absentmindedly against the side of Pitts’s shoe, and Pitts bumps him back.
Pitts thinks about what Meeks has said for a moment. “I think even when I find a girlfriend— you’re always going to be my person, you know? You’re my best friend.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I’m always going to have a place in my life cut out for you, no matter what happens.” Pitts then laughs and elbows Meeks in the side. “Also, I’m an applied physics major— I think girlfriends are a little low on supply.”
Meeks lets out a little laugh before coming back to the topic at hand. “All I want is friends but I don’t want you all to move on and me to be left here all by myself. And I want to believe that you’ll keep a part of your life open for me but—I just worry.”
Pitts nods, considering this.
“I really don’t want to die alone,” Meeks says, letting out a little laugh but they both know he’s being dead serious.
“You’re not gonna die alone,” Pitts confirms, taking Meeks’s hand and squeezing it lightly. “I won’t let it happen.”
“What, am I just going to come and live with you and your wife in an apartment above your garage?”
“Sounds good to me.”
Meeks laughs. “Shut up.”
“We’ll figure out something,” Pitts says and Meeks can hear the sincerity in it. From his best friend.
“You think so?”
“Of course. I mean— and I say this in the most platonic way possible—” Pitts says. “But to be honest I’d rather spend the rest of my life creating shit and raising hell with you than marrying some chick.”
“Some chick ?” Meeks raises his eyebrows.
Pitts laughs and feigns offense. "I’m trying to be sweet, don’t make fun of my word choice.”
“Yes, you are being very sweet, thank you.” Meeks grins at him. “I’d be perfectly happy creating shit and raising hell with you forever."
“Sounds good to me,” Pitts says, and he sends a smile to Meeks, and Meeks feels his chest warm. Pitts continues to be the thing that makes the world make sense to Meeks, the one other person who understands all his quirks and idiosyncrasies. He’s the one person who makes things like this, the parts of Meeks’s identity that sometimes make him feel isolated, feel like they don’t matter. Nothing feels lonely when he has his best friend, Gerard Pitts.
Yeah, platonic soulmates. Meeks can do that.