Work Text:
It’s been exactly 45 hours, 24 minutes and 17 seconds since Hinata killed himself. Kageyama totally hasn’t been counting the time he’s spent without his sunshine.
When he received the news from Hinatas distraught mother, his whole world suddenly stopped spinning. He had never realized that Hinata had slowly started to become his world.
Everything stopped. Just for a second. He heard blood rushing in his ears. His heart beating painfully against his still ribs. His knees shook and he fell.
He was quiet, as his world shattered. Suddenly a scream ripped through his throat. The silence broke and all he heard was his battered throat screaming and screaming.
His mother rushed in and held him. He sobbed, sobbed because he lost his world, lost his sunshine, lost everything.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. Him and Hinata were supposed to have a happy ending. They were supposed to be happy.
He yelled out that this wasn’t fair. How dare the world take Hinata away from. What kind of fucked up joke was the universe playing on him? What had he done to deserve this ?
Distantly he hears his phone ring again, he figures Hinatas mom must’ve hung up. He sees the caller ID “Suga-senpai”. His mom answers the phone in hushed whispers.
He could only make out “- not okay” “will need more time” “on the floor-“ “come over”- come over ? what?
“Baby” His mom whispered in his ear as she hugged him again. “Suga is coming over okay?” He cried even harder. He didn’t want Suga, he wanted Hinata. He needed Hinata.
“I know baby, i know you need him. But he-... i’m sorry. But Suga is coming okay?” His mom said. He realizes he must’ve spoken out loud.
He keeps quiet now as he feels his heart slowly break in two. He will never toss to Hinata ever again. He will never hold his hand again. He will never hug him again. He will never kiss him again.
He felt a different pair of arms wrap around him. “It’s okay Kageyama, you’ll be okay” a voice said. Suga.
“I-I c-cant do it w-without him!” he yelled softly as he sobbed.
~~
Kageyama got out of the car, feeling the suit stick uncomfortably to his skin. Him and his mother walked towards the small funeral home that they just arrived at.
Kageyama was slumped, his whole posture was revealing his emotions. He was extremely devastated and devoid of his usual aura. Everyone walked eggshells around him, but he didn’t care. He slightly appreciated the space. Although he was aching for physical contact and affection. He knew only Hinata could be the one to help him.
He looked around and he didn’t miss the crying faces, the heavy tension and utter sadness the place held. This wasn’t supposed to happen.
But it did.
“Hey” Asahi greeted him softly. “...How are you holding up?” he asked as he patted his shoulder.
Kageyama shrugged, normally when people ask how you’re doing they do it as a formality, not always because they want you to pour out your emotions to them.
“You can...you can always talk to me okay? About anything. Anyone from the team as well. We’re all here for you” Asahi reminded him.
His breath caught in his throat as he thought that maybe they thought he would do the same thing as Hinata.
It’s not that he hasn’t thought about it. The days were blurring all together and the only escape he could find was fantasizing about Hinata. And every time he did. his brain inched him towards the possibility that he could see Hinata. He’d only have to kill himself too. But they could meet again.
But he knows this isn’t what Hinata wanted. He wanted him to be happy. He wanted him to live a thousand lifetimes for him. So he was trying. but how much more could he take?
“Thanks” Kageyama said, tears pooling in his eyes. He blinked harshly, not wanting to cry.
“It’s okay. You’re okay” Asahi said as he embraced Kageyama.
Kageyama sniffled, before letting out a small sob. “I miss him. So much” He muttered between soft cries.
“Everything will be okay Kageyama. You’ll be okay” Asahi hugged him tighter.
Kageyama felt a warm hand touch his back. Before he could turn and look, he heard another soft voice say. “I’m sorry Kageyama” . It was Suga. Daichi standing next to him, holding Sugas hand.
“We need to go outside now. Will you be okay?” Suga said, his hand unmoving on Kageyamas back.
Kageyama nodded as he slowly stepped out from the hug. He sniffled back his tears and wiped his face, grateful for the tissue Suga gave him.
The four walked outside. Looking at the bright moon and stars. Kageyama chuckled to himself internally. Only Hinata would want a funeral at night. At the thought of the word funeral, his face soured, settling back to his normal scowl that everyone grew accustomed to.
Everyone sat down in the seats facing the burial site, the casket in front of them.
Kageyama sat in the front row. He could see Hinatas orange hair, once bright, but now dulled with his death.
If anyone saw him from afar, he could be mistaken for sleeping peacefully. But the more you look, youd notice the dull hair, the stillness of his chest, the paleness in his face, his sunken in features, the absence of life. You’d know he wasn’t here anymore.
Hinatas mother grabbed Kageyamas hand from beside her and gave it a squeeze. He turned to face her, she smiled softly. “It’s okay” she caressed his cheek. He nodded, squeezing her hand back in reassurance.
They didn’t know each other well, but bonded more after Hinatas death. The pair grieving in a way nobody else did.
Hinatas mom mourned a son. Kageyama mourned the love of his life. And everyone else mourned a friend.
Their pain was just as valid of course, but the pain in their heart wasn’t the same, and it wouldn’t ever be. They wouldn’t understand. So Kageyama and Hinatas mom stayed by each other’s side, a mutual understanding in their hearts.
Hinatas mom stood up, and his hand suddenly felt cold. He closed it in a fist. She stood by the podium and gave a short yet sweet speech. Kageyama heard intently.
She finished and motioned Kageyama to step up. With clammy hands and shaking legs, he stood up and stood where she was standing a few seconds ago.
He sniffled and cleared his throat as he unfolded the paper that was in his pocket.
“Uhh hi everyone. I don’t do well with...with speaking and stuff like that so i-i wrote a poem or whatever” he trailed off a little at the end. “For Hinata. Something ...something a lot of you guys might not know is that his favorite color was actually yellow, not orange” he smiled softly. “Despite popular belief.” he chuckled fondly. “Here goes nothing” he muttered to himself as he let out a sigh.
“ Look at the stars. Look how they shine for you” Kageyama tilted his head up slightly, not wanting to miss any second of those bright burning stars.
“And everything you do. Yeah they were all yellow” He looked back down to his paper, more tears already pooling in his eyes.
“ I came along. I wrote a poem for you. And all the things you do” His breath caught in his throat. “ And it was called ‘Yellow’ “
‘Hey Bakayama, whats your favorite color?’ Hinata asked as they were walking home.
‘Why do you ask dumbass?’ He replied, shaking his head in amusement.
‘Because i don’t know what it is’ Hinata smiled at him.
‘Blue’ He muttered. A blush spreading across his cheeks softly.
‘Really?! Pretty!’ Hinata looked at him in wonder.
‘It’s nothing special’ He said.
‘Mine is yellow’ He looked up to the sky, the sun shinning on his soft skin.
Kageyama stared at him for a second. Appreciating how the sun light danced on his skin. How his eyes fluttered shut with contentment.
‘Wait really? I thought it was orange’ Kageyama looked at him in surprise.
‘Why does everyone think that?!’ Hinata playfully pouted.
‘Maybe ‘cus you look like a human tangerine’ Kageyama snickered.
‘Stupid bakayama!’ He yelled playfully as he jumped to try and reach Kageyamas face.
“So ,then, i took my turn. What a thing to’ve done. And it was all yellow”
“Your skin. Oh yeah your skin and bones turn into something beautiful. And you know, you know i love you so. You know i love you so” He looked towards Hinata. Feeling his heart beat painfully against his chest.
He could hear the others crying. But he didn’t pay much mind to it. He was stuck in his head in this moment, and no one could take that from him.
“I swam across. I jumped across for you. Oh what a thing to do. ‘Cause you were all yellow”
“I drew a line. I drew a line for you. Oh what a thing to do. And it was all yellow”
“Hey Kags, do you think sad people are weak?” Hinata asked randomly.
Kageyama turned his head so fast he thought he might’ve gotten whiplash. “What type of question is that?”.
“I saw it online. And people have mixed feelings about it” Hinata shrugged, fiddling with his fingers.
“Mm” Kageyama hummed. “What do you think?”
“I don’t think they’re weak. They’re trying. And that’s all that matters” Hinata said softly. “It’s okay to be sad. Just keep fighting until you can’t anymore”
Hinata took a deep breath. “But i read more about it, and a lot of people still think it’s weak. Saying that other people have it harder-“
“I think, it only matters to you what you think. Forget about everyone else. If they think being sad is weak. They’re dumbasses” Kageyama interrupted.
“Good point Yama” Hinata smiled a bit. Leaning on Kageyamas shoulder.
“Are you sad?” Kageyama asked, taking a strand of Hinatas hair and twirling it between his fingers gently. Kissing his head.
“What is there for me to be sad about?”
“And your skin. Oh, yeah, your skin and bones turn into something beautiful. And you know, for you i’d bleed myself dry.”
“For you i’d bleed myself dry” Kageyama choked on a sob. Tears blurring his vision, his hands shaking.
“ It’s true. Look how they shine for you. Look how they shine”
“Look at the stars. Look how they shine for you” He took a shaky breath, trying not to fall apart in front of everyone. “And all the things you do.....”
“It was all yellow”
~~
Kageyama laid in the bathtub, looking out the window and staring at the stars.
He shouldn’t do this. Shouldn’t want to do this. He knows he should talk to someone before he does something he might regret.
But lately it’s been harder without Hinata. He can’t count how many times he’s woken up with Hinatas name stuck in his throat. He doesn’t know how many times he’s picked up his phone by habit just to text Hinata to practice.
But right now, he feels unbelievably free. He can finally breathe, as he lays in the tub. He feels the tension he’s been carrying slowly dissipate.
He hated Hinata for a while. He never stopped loving him, of course, but he hated him for a while. He would scream inside his mind in frustration because why the hell would Hinata leave him alone? Why would Hinata do this to him?
He realized that thought was a little selfish, he wasn’t the only person Hinata left behind. But sometimes it felt like it. He watched everyone move on and slowly readjust themselves to live life without Hinata. He couldn’t move on though. It felt like he’d be betraying Hinata if he could live without him.
While he lays still, staring at the stars. A sense of serenity falls upon him. Everything could end soon. He could meet Hinata again. It’s in these moments that he doesn’t hate Hinata anymore. He now knows what he felt. His heart squeezes painfully at the thought that Hinata felt so miserable all the time, in pain constantly.
Now that he knows how he felt, he’s slightly happy that Hinata is in a better place now.
He hated at the beginning when everyone told him that. When everyone’s response was “Hinata is in a better place” . He refused to believe that. Hinata was supposed to be happy here with him. The better place was here. So why did he leave? Wasnt he good enough?
But, now he knows. Hinata must feel at peace out. No more worries and carefree. Probably trying out his wings in heaven.
Kageyama isn’t religious, really, but if there’s one person he knows that deserves to go to heaven. It’s definitely Hinata.
He looks to his side and sees the bottle of yellow pills. It leaves him with a sour taste in his mouth. Hinatas favorite color was yellow. He guesses it’s true what he wrote. “ It was all yellow”
He grips the bottle tightly, tugging off the lid. He spills the yellow pills into his hands. He starts shaking slightly in fear.
‘What is he doing?’
The question crosses his mind.
He shakes his head. This is what he wants. This is what he needs.
He brings his hand towards his mouth and dunk the pills in, swallowing them harshly, coughing at the chalkiness of them. After pouring three more handfuls into his hand, then to his mouth, he tips his head back and exhales.
He looks at the stars. “ Look how they shine for you Hinata”
It was all yellow