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Wilbur looks at the map in Tommy's hands. He looks back up at the mountain range that's supposed to be just in front of them. Wilbur looks away from the lack of an entire fucking mountain range too look back down at the map. He does this at least three times, until he's entirely certain that there really just isn't a mountain range there, and that Tommy has gotten them lost. Wilbur really doesn't know why he thought it would be a good idea to give Tommy the map - it seemed like he was doing a good job of reading it, of pointing out landmarks, of marking their trail so they wouldn't get lost.
But alas.
Wilbur snatches the map from Tommy's hands, opening his mouth to tell his brother off, though he snaps his jaw shut half a second later. The map is upside down. The entire map is upside down. Wilbur slowly cranes his neck to face Tommy, narrowing his eyes as sharply as he can. "Tommy," Wilbur starts, holding up the map to his brother's face. "Tommy, can you read what this says?" He asks, trying his best to not kick Tommy down the hill they're on. Tommy squints, opening and closing his mouth as he tries, and fails, to read the upside down words.
"Well, if you held it the right way 'round, then yeah, I'd be able to fucking read it, idiot," Tommy glares at him. "Wilbur, you are so stupid. Did you really think I wouldn't notice that the letters were upside down? You're such a bitch," Tommy laughs, shaking his head in disbelief. "I honestly just cannot believe you right now." Wilbur closes his eyes, remembering the breathing technique Phil taught him, the one he was told would help him whenever Tommy was being unbelievably awful. Wilbur opens his eyes, funneling his anger into his feet, tapping the ground much harder than he thinks that he probably should. It's nearly stomping, really, but he pretends like it isn't.
"Tommy," Wilbur starts again, narrowing his eyes even more. "I didn't change the way you were holding it when I took it from you."
Tommy blinks at him, his eyebrows furrowing together as the pieces in his head click together. Tommy's eyes go wide a second later, his head shooting back up, his mouth hanging open. "I- there's no fucking way. I had the map up! It was up right, I was reading it, you- you told me I was doing it right!" Tommy protests, narrowing his eyes as he points a finger at Wilbur's chest. "No, you are not going to pin the blame on me this time, big man. Uh-uh, this was all you. You said you were checking to make sure I wasn't- oh my god!" Tommy throws his hands up, spinning around on his feet. He threads his fingers through his hair, groaning as he tilts his head back. "You fucking got us lost!"
Wilbur scoffs, not entirely sure he's just heard the words right. "Me? I've gotten us lost?" Wilbur laughs, shaking his head at the pure stupidity of the words coming out of his little brother's mouth. "No, Tommy, this was all you," Wilbur shakes his head, wondering if Phil would be mad at him if he just left Tommy here to find his own way here. Wilbur doubts it. "You were the one holding the map!" Wilbur tells him, sighing, wondering if Tommy's stupidity is rubbing off on him. There's no way in hell that Tommy is serious.
"You were the one who trusted a child to hold the map!" Tommy protests, whirling back around, a stupidly clever grin on his face. "Yeah, how's that make you feel, bitch boy? You just got bested by a literal child, didn't you? That's what I fuckin' thought," he crosses his arms against his chest, looking more smug than Wilbur ever imagined a human being could look. But he supposes that Tommy is just different that way, that he's not entirely human. There's no way in hell that Tommy, that this fucking annoying ass child, is fully human. "So, asshole," Tommy scoffs, snatching the map away from him. "What the fuck do we do? Where the fuck do we go? Do we just follow this back?" Wilbur rolls his eyes, turning the map back upside down.
"Hey, dumbfuck," Wilbur grins at him. "I think you're forgetting that we followed this map upside down. So now, because of your fuck up, we have to follow it back the same way," he sighs, clapping Tommy on the shoulder. "Come on, then, child. We've got a long fucking way to go," Wilbur starts to walk, listening to Tommy's furious footsteps behind him, not even surprised when he feels Tommy's fist collide with his back, then his shoulder. "Tommy, I swear to god, I will teleport you into the middle of a fucking ocean, do you understand me?"
Tommy just grins at him, because of course he does. Death doesn't scare Tommy, not when it's just threats that he knows Wilbur won't carry out. As much as Wilbur wishes he could lie to himself and say how much he hates this godforsaken child, he can't. Tommy is one of the most important people in his life, and Wilbur would be entirely lost, metaphorically, without him. "Will, I don't think you could teleport me into the middle of the ocean even if you wanted to," Tommy grins, though that doesn't make any sense. "Anyways. I think that this is definitely your fault. Like, all of it is definitely your fault, not me. You can't just blame it all on me, the minor, now can you?"
"You had the fucking map upside down! You literally-"
"Bitch! Bitch! You are a bitch! I'm a child, you entrusted a child to hold a map? Oh, that's just not looking good for you at all, now is it, bitch?"
Wilbur closes his eyes, forcing himself to take in three deep breaths, one for each time he would like to punch Tommy in the face. "Tommy, give me the map," Tommy does not. "Tommy," Wilbur repeats, opening his eyes, glaring at the child in front of him. "I want the map, Tommy. Give me the map. I'm going to punch you in the throat if you don't give me the map, Tommy."
"Wow," Tommy holds the map closer to his chest, pulling away from him. "Inciting violence against a child? You are just disgusting, Wilbur Soot. I'll be promptly running away for the rest of my life. Hey, do you think I'll find a lot of women if I tell them that I ran away from home?" Tommy's eyes light up, and Wilbur really doesn't know if he's joking or not anymore. "I bet they would, I bet I'd get a fuck ton of women. What do you think? Would that get me women? Oh, wait," Tommy grins. "You've never talked to a woman once in your entire li-" Wilbur holds up a hand, pointing a knife at Tommy. "Okay, well," Tommy blinks, clearing his throat. "That's just rude."
"Map," Wilbur holds out his other hand. "Give."
Tommy heaves a sigh, throwing his head back in annoying, groaning. "Fine, oh my god. You're so dramatic." Tommy sighs, throwing the map to Wilbur. Wilbur barely manages to catch it, fumbling it in his hands. He looks down at the map, running his fingers over the cloth, trying to figure out where they came from, where they got lost. He knows that they stopped somewhere around here, maybe a couple of hours ago. He sighs, clicking his tongue as he starts to walk again.
"Good and bad news," he announces. "I think I might know which way we can head to get to the Capital faster. Bad news, I'm not entirely sure if I'm right or not. I think I am," Wilbur looks down at the upside down map, tapping his foot against the dusty road. At least they didn't get too far off the main path, thank the gods. "I don't really think that I've been wrong, like, ever," Wilbur grins, listening to the way that makes Tommy mutter and murmur under his breath from behind him. "What's that, child? Are you agreeing with me?" He raises an eyebrow, turning back to face his younger brother. "Or..?" Tommy scoffs, flipping him off.
"I hate you," Tommy tells him, brushing past him as he walks down the hill, flowers and grasses up to his stomach. "I think that we should go this way." Wilbur blinks, frowning at him as he watches Tommy's figure slowly fade from his sight.
"Well," Wilbur snorts, already starting to walk along the main path. "I'm going to go this way. So.." he grins, running a hand through his hair. "Have fun down there, Tommy!"
"Hey, fucker!" Tommy shouts back up at him, and Wilbur can barely see him from where he's standing. "Get down here with me! Oh, I'm going to beat you to death when you get down here, bitch!" Wilbur laughs, tilting his head back as he keeps walking. He knows that Tommy isn't going to go off on his own, and if he does, Wilbur knows he'll be able to find him. Tommy is loud and causes a lot of trouble, leaving chaos wherever he goes. Wilbur has no doubt that wherever Tommy goes, he'll be able to find him. "Will, you are such a bitch!" Tommy calls out, and Wilbur can hear footsteps once again. "I went down all that way, and then I have to come back up here, and-"
"Shut the fuck up," Wilbur waves him off, not even bothering to look back at his little brother. "So, I think that if we take a right in about two miles, we'll be able to get to the Capital in another two or three days. Depending on rests, weather, and if we get mugged or not." Wilbur announces, jamming his hands in his pockets, letting the map fly away. Tommy very obviously scrambles to catch it, swearing loudly.
"Will, why the fuck did you try to get rid of this?" Tommy asks, moving to stand next to him, genuine confusion on his face. "We need this."
Wilbur laughs, appreciating the cool spring air that blows over his face, ruffling his hair and making his clothes ripple. "Nah," he waves a hand, looking up at the sky. It really is a nice day, if he just ignores the child next to him. "I've figured out where we're going. Rule number one of being an adventurer, Tommy," Wilbur grins at him, pausing his steps. "Is to always figure shit out on your own. Fuck the map!" Wilbur laughs, continuing to walk. "We're already lost. We might as well make it ten times worse, right?"
Tommy sighs. "You've gone off the fuckin' rails, Will."
"Nah," Wilbur grins. "I've just accepted my fate, Tommy. Now, come on," he beams at his little brother, punching him in the shoulder. "Let's go backtracking. I'll teach you how to properly hold a map later, don't worry-"
"You are such a fucking bitch!" Tommy punches him in the shoulder, and Wilbur nearly doubles over laughing, clutching at his stomach as Tommy erupts into a flurry of flying fists and swearing. "You are a fucking bitch! A bitch! A real goddamn wanker! I see your face and I go- I get all pissed 'nd shit! Your accent is so fucking stupid, just like your face and literally everything else about you, oh my god, you fucking-"
Wilbur laughs as he holds up his hands to defend himself from the onslaught of punches, laughing even harder at Tommy's screamed swears.
Getting lost really isn't as bad as Wilbur thought.
And no matter how much he pokes fun at the idea of killing Tommy, Wilbur wouldn't want to be lost with anyone else.
Even if he does think murder may be his best option.