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being with inumaki is being free.
yuuta feels like he's flying, wings growing from the bones of his spine and spreading far and wide, allowing him to pick up wind and soar. there's fresh air hitting his face in whips, slashing and slicing, but it smells like new, untouched and unburdened, free of smoke or smog. he can feel his fingers brush clouds, wetness covering the tips, can see the view the birds see from up high to down low. yuuta watches it all as he flies, the bustle of humans like tiny colony ants, marching back and forth, up and down. yuuta can never fall. he can stay like this forever without plummeting down into the mess, can spread out here under the rays of the sun and run his hands through fluffy water vapor as he pleases. he feels so light.
inumaki makes him feel all of it. with touches, with looks, with sounds. his entire being fills yuuta with something so floaty that he feels the pull to rise, to float, just on the feeling of it. yuuta's mouth waters and he craves for it, the feeling that toge brings him, the way he gets consumed by the light. its bright and bursting and sometimes yuuta feels out of breath when it comes, heaving for air with everything inumaki does, and yet it still comforts him in its presence. happiness, yuuta thinks. that's what it is, right? that soaring, bright-eye squinting, i-can-touch-the-clouds feeling, eating its way through yuutas being like a pesky parasite.
he wonders if other people feel like this, with the one they deem theirs. is it normal to feel like this with such intensity, normal to have this craving for it? is it normal to hunger for a person as much as yuuta does for toge? normal to want to crawl into his skin and feast on him, to devour and consume every part of him until there's nothing left? to become part of him?
yuuta wonders. the feeling that inumaki brings is light and floaty, cloudlike. the feeling yuuta feels for him is blood red, possessive and threatening, wanting to love too hard and too much, too fast.
he's never felt like this before.
with rika it was different. they were young, too young for all of it, and yet rika was bright and blossoming and kind of blue. blue in an indigo way, pretty but obsessively dark, like something big hidden underwater. and yuuta was red, yuuta has always been red, but it had been a touch too bright, then. had been tinged with the innocence of pink, the happiness of orange, and it didn't match. he put the ring on anyway and promised he'd wear it forever.
then she died, and when the colors mixed it didn't turn quite purple. it was an ugly, purplish brown, and yuuta had consumed all of it. the feeling had pierced him, colors embedded in his skin, staining him, and he'd cursed her. an accident, it was an accident (all of it), and yet the feeling, the ugly stain, rika, followed him for years until he welcomed it. he was yuuta, and he was dark, too brown mauve, and he was heavy.
toge was different. so, so different.
he wasn't kind of blue, but blue , cornflower and sky and cyan all in one. the type of blue that you breathe in, comforting and healing, ice cold and refreshing blue. toge came into yuuta's life abruptly and like a splatter of neon paint and yuuta had gotten stained all over again.
it was cold, this time. it was clammy hands instead of a sun warmed metal ring, a mouth full of cool, mint gum rather than the warm spatter of blood. it was laughing and running and being instead of a curse on his shoulder.
being with toge was being touched, and being loved. yuuta's hands on his thin waist, toge's hands in yuuta's hair. it was breathing in and smelling fresh air, and clean linen, and toge's shampoo. it was quiet whispers at night and stolen kisses and inumaki practicing how to say yuuta's name.
then the feeling came. enveloping him in cool, freezing vapors all around him. he'd grown wings then, just being by toge's side, and the more time he spent the more he flew, the higher he went. could feel ice on his face, burning his skin, and yuuta thought it was good. it's everything he's ever wanted.
wanted, needed, craved for.
yuuta wants and wants and wants. there's desire curling in the pit of his stomach, a tapeworm ready to take, wanting something. the feeling is thick and sluggish but forever growing, crimson with its possession and dark with need. yuuta wonders if anyone has felt this before; this consuming itch to be near toge, to be the only one he sets his eyes on, for toge to be his. nothing about this is normal, yuuta knows, not the way he aches to be a part of inumaki's very being, to stain inumaki in blinding colors the way he did to yuuta.
but yuuta is red. yuuta has always been red.
and eventually, they mix. toge is stained with red pigment, a little less cerulean and a lot more scarlet. yuuta is stained just the same, splashes of azure on a vermillion canvas.
together, they make a pretty purple.