Chapter Text
One: slow down you crazy child
December 2016
Do you ever wonder are you really where you’re supposed to be? Luke’s been mulling over the question for the majority of his teenage years and maybe even for farther back than that. By all standards and definitions, he should feel right at home as he is but he can never seem to shake the sneaking voice that floods his mind every night as he lays in bed and dreams about something more. He tells himself he’s like every other sixteen year old boy his age, he goes to school, plays for the basketball team, plays video games, eats way too much junk food and hasn’t had a decent sleeping schedule since he was twelve. But that’s just the thing, he doesn’t want to be like every other sixteen year old, in fact in the past few months he’s found himself distancing himself further and further from the people he should be a carbon copy of. Luke never really thought himself as a fearful person. Ever since he was a kid, Luke showed next to no trepidation for anything, so much so his parents had grown increasingly concerned. He believed there was nothing to fear but fear itself yet despite this every night for the past three months as he tried to think of continuing life as he currently was, his head twisted with the sickening terror of the mundane.
Luke was the furthest thing from an over-thinker, he was a man of action. A do now, think later type of mindset. He knew his fearless recklessness had landed him in hot water one too many times before. He knew his mother still didn’t one hundred percent forgive him for the time he wanted to practice his fire making skill for scouts and accidentally set her flower bed in the back garden alight when he was thirteen. Luke’s mind was an enigma, a game of constantly shifting puzzle pieces creating their own unique patterns day by day, no two thoughts alike. Luke had a hard time catching up with himself most days. It was because of his overactive brain and the fact he jumped from thought to thought and circled back to the beginning again, that his mother had taken him for numerous ADHD evaluations when he was younger. Emily and Mitch had been stumped upon receiving several negative diagnoses in return. It had been Caleb that spun the idea of finding Luke a hobby, something to fixate on to keep his mind in check and himself out of trouble. Mitch had been keen to pawn sports off on Luke and while Luke enjoyed the thrill and adrenaline involved enough to keep playing basketball all the way into high school, there always seemed to be something missing. Luke still felt unfulfilled.
Luke had been seven when Mitch had taken Luke to visit Caleb at work. Caleb managed The Orpheum, one of L.A.’s most notorious clubs for up and comers. Of course, at that age the title had meant squat to Luke. But as Mitch joking propped Luke up on the wide stage, Luke thought he should have felt like the expansive space was swallowing him up. A small, insignificant boy standing there, taking up residence on the same stage that once was home to great artists but instead he felt just as at home. His heart had filled and something inside him had clicked, it had taken him years to realise that on that day he had found the fulfillment he had been waiting for. The bright lights shining on him and heating his skin should have felt blinding and burning yet he let them wrap around him like a warm comforting embrace and for those few moments he felt like he was glowing, untouchable and unknowingly Luke had been chasing that feeling for every day since. He’d still yet to fully grasp it. Following the Orpheum, it had taken months of pleading and begging for Mitch to buy Luke a guitar for his birthday and for Caleb to become his unofficial teacher.
Music had filled a gap in his life, in his soul, that Luke hadn’t even realised was there until he first felt the burn of tightly clutched guitar strings against his soft fingertips. From then on everything had taken a backseat to music. Luke had admittedly never been great with emotions or with thoughts, his mind was his biggest mystery to others and Luke alike. Luke’s mind was an overflowing sink and trying to sort through his thoughts was like grabbing a fistful of water, grasping it for a quick moment before it began to seep through your fingers again. Music had become an outlet for Luke to make sense of the musings of his mind. With every chord he plucked, every lyric he wrote he slowly began to understand himself. He knew his parents watched him as music became an extension of himself, not quite understanding the fixation, the dedication to something, that in their eyes, could lead nowhere. But Luke dreaded thinking of the hypothetical that if he was ever to lose music, he’d lose part of himself and all understanding of himself. As far as he was concerned, he had music and as long as he had music he could never feel unfulfilled.
It was the first day of the winter holidays and while other students were planning to lay in and catch up on sleep and watch television for the whole day, Luke was preparing to spend the day in the city, busking on random street corners. Luke sighed, pulling his head out from underneath his bed. The night before, he had fallen asleep while gently strumming his guitar and now the location of his guitar pick eluded him. Giving up with a huff, he decided he’d just run into a music shop when he was in the city. Grabbing his guitar case and throwing the acoustic over his shoulder, he made his way through the house to the kitchen. The smell of eggs and bacon wafted through the hallways accompanied by the gentle humming of his mother. When he reached the kitchen, he found her standing over the stove while his father sipped his coffee, head stuck in the morning paper from where he sat at the kitchen island.
“Morning sweetie. Do you want some bacon?” Emily greeted, glancing away from the stove to seek out Luke. Luke placed his guitar case gently against the island and noticed as his mother’s gaze glanced to the instrument and he knew she was trying her best not to shake her head. She always made the joke that the instrument was permanently attached to his body, Luke always rolled his eyes in answer but she wasn’t far off. He was assured it was attached to his soul.
“Sure, sounds good.” Luke breathed, pressing a kiss to his mother’s cheek before sliding past her to the fridge, where he yanked it open and pulled out the carton of orange juice. Emily resumed her soft humming, moving away from the stove to pull out plates. Luke had opened the juice and was gulping greedily from the carton as she turned back and immediately he found her silent, scolding gaze on him. Pulling the drink away from his lips, he smiled sheepishly, pulling a glass from the cabinet to appease her. “So what are you guys doing today?”
“I need to go to the grocery store and your father needs to pick papers up from the school to grade.” His mother explained, her eyes focusing on the sizzling of her frying pan. She swatted his hand away as Luke tried to sneak a piece. Luke yanked his hand away with a hiss as he leaned back against the island and eyes flickering to his dad, who was still engrossed in his newspaper. His glasses balanced on the bridge of his long nose, his head close to the page as he read, only his eyes visible over the large paper. Luke twisted around to face his father, bracing his two hands on the island across from his father. He leaned down slowly, Luke’s own eyes right before his father’s across the top of the newspaper. He paused for a moment, waiting for Mitch to raise his gaze and meet Luke’s. It was a silent challenge from Luke yet it was one his father ultimately failed, his attention never straying from the printed word. Luke rolled his eyes, turning away again. His father was a high school history teacher although fortunately for Luke not at his high school. Instead Mitch worked at a school across the city. Luke was lucky for that fact, not because he would have been ashamed of his father being his teacher but because of the fact that as of recently, Luke had skipped almost up to two weeks of school without the knowledge of his parents. What had become skipping a few classes to sneakily write songs in the music room had become him never showing up to the school premises at all. He didn’t feel like he belonged there, confined between the bleak four walls of classrooms debating reasons for Hamlet’s indecision in English or what chemicals you mix to go ‘boom’ in science.
“We were thinking of going out for dinner tonight to celebrate the start of holidays, what do you think?” Emily spoke, grabbing his attention again. Luke sipped at his juice as his mother handed over a plate of food to him. She nodded for Luke to sit down beside his father but Luke remained standing, planning to leave quickly after scarfing down his breakfast.
Luke shook his head, taking a quick bite of the greasy meal. “I can’t. I told Caleb I’d work tonight so I probably won’t be back before then. I’ll just grab something to eat in the city.”
Emily sighed, placing a similar plate to Luke’s in front of his father. His father places his paper down and Luke has to force himself not to roll his eyes. So his dad puts down the paper for that. Mitch looks up from over his glasses to where Luke is leaning against the island. “Oh, morning Luke.”
Luke doesn’t even try to stop himself from rolling his eyes at that one. Emily is cradling her cup of coffee in her hands, her expression mildly solemn though conflicted as if she’s trying and failing to cover up her distaste. “I still don’t like the idea of you working at a place like that.”
“Mom, it’s perfectly safe and uncle Caleb is always there with me.” Luke reasoned. Caleb wasn’t really Luke’s uncle. Mitch and Caleb had met in college and became good friends and their friendship remained and only grew stronger as they got older. The pair were like the brother’s they never had. Luke was immensely grateful for Caleb, sometimes Luke felt like he was the only one who understood him. He nurtured Luke’s love of music, taught him guitar and told him to cherish the passion he had for it. More than his parents had ever said on the matter. Luke had been begging Caleb to give him a job at The Orpheum since he was fourteen and finally that past summer after Luke had turned sixteen Caleb had agreed. It was only a few nights here and there throughout the month and Caleb had to pay Luke under the table because of his age but to Luke it was perfect.
“I trust Caleb but what I don’t trust is the rowdy crowds and that rockstar lifestyle. It’s nothing a sixteen year old should be exposed to.” Emily shook her head at the thoughts she was creating in her mind and Luke sighed into his glass as he raised it to his lips to drink. This wasn’t the first time his mother went on an anti-rock music rant and he was convinced it wouldn’t be the last. His eyes raised to the heavens behind his glass as he sipped, begging, ‘please God, not again’.
“What would you do if these bands tried to lure you into parties or give you alcohol, even offer you drugs?” Emily’s eyes widen and Luke is sighing as he places his now empty dishes in the sink. He sure didn’t get his mother’s ability to overthink situations. Emily tucks her hair behind her ear, sighing after working herself into a tizzy. She mumbles to herself, “Oh, I don’t even want to think about it.”
“Don’t worry,” Luke says, pushing himself off the island and placing his hands on his mother’s shoulders, comfortingly. “If I get presented with anything like that I’ll remember what you told me and I’ll remember my manners and make sure I very politely accept all that is offered to me.”
“Luke!” Emily sputters, her hand smacking at his arm and Luke quickly moves away. Luke was attempting to joke to keep the tone light but his humour did nothing but make Emily more anxious.
“Seriously, I don’t even get to meet the bands let alone party with them.” Luke knows there was no point in reasoning when his mother was already certain in her thoughts. One thing Luke did inherit from his mother was her stubbornness. Luke’s eyes flashed towards his father to find him back at his newspaper, not paying attention and Luke was quick to look away. Typical.
“That’s not all. Don’t even get me started on the groupies, Luke.” Emily twisted her body to find Luke getting ready to pick up his guitar from where he had stranded it upon entering the room. Luke laughed exasperated. There was never a dull moment with an overprotective mother like Emily.
“Mom, I’m pretty sure groupies haven’t been a thing since the 70s.” Luke sighed, a small bout of laughter mixed in his growing annoyance. Emily placed her mug on the marble island with a clank. Luke bent down to pull his case up over his shoulder, fitting snug against his back. The familiar weight brings him a sliver of peace.
“We have MTV, I’ve seen those crazy ‘Which Direction’ girls, Luke. It’s worse than The Beatles.” Emily shook her head and Luke couldn’t contain his laughter this time. His mother sent him an unamused look, her eyes widening slightly as Luke turned to walk out the kitchen.
“It’s ‘One Direction, Ma.” Luke muttered between chuckles. From behind him he can hear the scratching of his mother’s slippers against the tiled floor. He maneuvered through the living room to the front door with Emily hot on his heels.
“You’re not wearing that out all day, Lu. At least bring a jacket or get something with sleeves.” His mother taps his arm as he reaches the door, pulling Luke’s attention back to the woman. For everything that they argue about, he knew at the end of the day it was her way of protecting him. He just found himself wishing it would feel less suffocating some days.
“It’s winter.” Emily stated, crossing her arms.
“It’s okay, it’s not that cold out.” Luke explains at the same time his mother speaks. He lets out a quiet, quick laugh. Emily sighs with her whole body, shoulders sagging and eyes rolling as she admits wordless defeat against Luke. Luke offers his mother a small smile, placing a hand delicately on her shoulder as he leans in to press a swift yet firm kiss to his mother’s forehead.
“I’ll be alright. I’ll see you tonight.” Luke turns towards the door as Emily tells him she’ll see him later and he knows she will be waiting up for him until he returns. She always does. Luke closes the door behind him, feeling a small chill but his stubborn pride keeps him from going back inside and grabbing a jacket. Instead he pulls his blue, sleeveless hoodie over his chest and zips it up, deciding the bike ride will warm him up on his way into the city.
Luke feels at peace as his feet pump at the pedals, the winter wind whipping against his cheeks, the whirring sound of the world passing him by infiltrating his ears. His heart belts wildly in his chest from the speed, the throbbing beat sneaking its way up his throat and he loves every moment of it. He feels alive. Every time he crossed that line from the sleepy suburbia into the bustling streets of Downtown Los Angeles, he felt like it was his own version of Narnia. Moving away from the drab and bleak world of his homelife and stepping into pure adventure and possibility. He felt giddy like a little kid. He pedaled faster, the streets whizzing past him becoming blurring shapes and colours, an abstract art piece of his own creation. Luke knew he didn’t view their city the same way his parents did. They still saw the dark, unsafe underbelly that hid beneath the glitz and glamour of next door Hollywood that they grew up around. He knew he viewed his home through rose tinted glasses but that didn’t sway him from his love of the city. He saw himself mirrored in Los Angeles, every day was different, it reinvented itself every few days and was ever changing, he decided his mind and the city had more in common than he would have once thought. L.A. produced, lived and breathed stars, actors, musicians, performers, film, music, talent, art and Luke wanted nothing more than to situate himself right in the middle of it.
Yet it always seemed a few unattainable feet out of reach. For every determined step he took towards his dream, there was always someone there to pull him a few steps back to where he started. People telling him music wasn’t a real career choice, people telling him he’s too young to know what he wants, that he’s only a kid and needs to slow down. Slow wasn’t in Luke’s vocabulary. In his eyes, life had a blink and you’ll miss it structure. Life moved fast, it didn't slow down for anyone so why should Luke put himself on pause for it. Many of his music idols started from nothing and made a name for themselves, so why did it seem to everyone around Luke that he was the exception? He tried not to take the patronising comments and unsupportive attitudes personally. His parents and indeed anyone he’d met of the boomer generation had become so stuck in their ways and disillusioned with life that he began to pay them no mind. Luke wanted something more than he’d been dealt, he worked hard, he had the drive and ambition and where people tried to sway him otherwise, he chose not to listen because he promised himself he wouldn’t end up like the adults he grew up around. Life wasn’t a ‘you against the world’ situation, it was the opposite. Life was a partnership, the more you thought of yourself pinned against what life was dealing you and pitting yourself against the world, it wasn’t going to end well. As life moved, you moved with it, keeping pace, as the world changed you adapted with it. Once you exchanged that delicate balance with life for opposition, you got left behind, stuck. Luke never wanted to feel stuck.
Luke rounded the streets near Venice beach, the soothing drifting of water against the sand echoing through the air bringing insurmountable levels of comfort. The streets were relatively quiet in the still early morning, the city still waking up for the day ahead. Luke brought his bike to a halt, tires screeching against the smooth pavement. Clambering off his bike, his legs had a shaking ache from the mad speed in which he glided into the city. He revelled in the feeling, it made him feel alive. He pulls the bike into a half full bike rack, pulling the lock from around the handle to the front of the bike, locking it up for the day with the knowledge Luke probably wouldn’t be returning to it until later that night. Christmas lights and decorations lined the street in darkness, waiting to exchange illumination with the daylight. When the sky turned inky blue with the evening shadows and the lights would flicker into luminescence. Luke’s gaze flitted up to the decorations as he ambled through the streets with a sweet smile sent to the sky. Peaceful contentment.
When he found the shop he was looking for, Luke sidestepped early morning shoppers and dipped into the comforting familiarity of ‘Tom’s’. Caleb and Mitch had brought Luke to the music shop the day of his eighth birthday, allowing him to pick out his first guitar and ever since that day the store had become a second home for him. A safe haven amongst the percussion and strings. The warmth tingled his wind swept cheeks and Luke sighed in satisfaction at the feeling. Tugging the guitar case strap on his shoulder, he fit the instrument snugger against his back. There was nothing like the feeling of a six string to ground him. Luke meandered around the store, eyes flitting from one instrument to the next. His fingertips reached out curiously, plucking random strings and curving around the smooth edges of exposed cymbals. This was Luke’s church, music was his religion and he would constantly wander into the store to worship the gifts that produced it. He finally circled around the whole store to his last port of call, shelves lined with picks, wires, drumsticks, packets of guitar strings. He plucked the small pack of picks from the shelf, throwing the bag back and forth between his hands as his eyes continued to prowl the offerings.
Eventually he settled on a course to the till but not before his eyes found two boys about his age mulling over guitars excitedly. He wasn’t sure why he let his gaze linger a moment longer than was considered normal but as he watched the two kids debate brands and laugh at their own niche jokes, he felt a small gap inside him grow a few inches wider. He let his eyes fall to the carpeted floor, scuffing his shoes against the worn out material, a small frown threatening to overtake his lips. Throughout his high school career, Luke had never felt connected to anyone he shared desks with or chatted idly in the locker rooms with. He had never ruminated much on the thought, never felt like he was missing out on anything. The drinking on the beach after winning games, the parties, the dances, the dating; Luke had never needed it to feel whole. He had music, it filled him with everything he’d ever wanted, ever needed yet why did he feel like there was an aching hole hidden deep inside himself that said otherwise. He wasn’t lying when he said that he never connected to people at his school but that didn’t mean he didn’t sometimes think about what if it have been different. If he had met people more like him. People who could relate instead of criticizing him. People who could listen and understand him instead of listening and silently judging. People he could belong with.
“You okay, son?” A voice extracted him from the momentary lull in his demeanor. There was a reason he pressed that part of himself down, hidden underneath chords and melodies where he could forget about it. Luke shifted to turn around, finding an older gentleman behind the cashier, watching him with a curious gaze. Luke only smiled, it didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“Yeah. Just making sure I have everything.” Luke jested, shaking his pack of guitar picks in the air before placing them on the counter for the cashier to ring up his purchase. Luke grabbed his chain link wallet, digging out change handing it over to the older man in exchange for a receipt. “Thanks! Have a good day.”
Luke tried to not let his gaze flicker back to the pair at the guitars again as he moved to leave. Outside he was hit with the sneaking caress of cold air trickling down his arms. He made it a few steps away from the music shop when he paused, pulling the black leather case over his shoulders. He leaned the case against his body as he pushed his new purchase into the small pocket of the guitar case. With his head down, he zips up the case again pulling it back to its original place settled between his shoulder blades. Fixing the beanie on his wild hair, Luke began to look up again just as a body collided with his side. The connection sent a jolt through Luke’s body and he stumbled a few steps back at the impact.
“Hey, dude! Watch-” His words are lost on his tongue as he raises his gaze to berate the person who had run into him. A breath tumbles out of his mouth in place of a coherent sentence as his eyes find a rosy cheeked boy, with gelled back raven hair and eyes on the watch on his left wrist. Luke wants to beg him to give him his attention.
“Sorry, I’m so sorry.” The boy glances his way over his shoulder as he keeps moving, in a hurry. His eyes flick past Luke fast and he can tell the boy is unfocused, that he’s not really seeing Luke. But as the boy’s figure retreats farther away from Luke, putting distance between the pair Luke’s gaze stays locked on him. He may not have really seen Luke but Luke saw him and for a brief moment, he was all Luke could see. He watched as the boy got swallowed up by a group of pedestrians and Luke mourned the loss of him in his sight. Because without the boy in his vision, Luke was left alone with a frozen body and a heartbeat that was thumping a few beats quicker than was normal. He sighed, exhaling deeply in an attempt to calm himself. His confusion was rising, unable to decipher what his fixation on the random boy meant. His hazel eyes flickering around the street one last time, trying to seek out the boy but unfortunately coming up dry, Luke turned his back to the street continuing on.
He thought that would have been the last of it. A trivial everyday incident that should go on to be not thought of for the rest of the day yet his mind, in a usual whirlwind, had other ideas. He spent the next few hours flitting through music shops and coffee houses. He tried not to think about how his eyes lingered a moment longer than it should have on a poster of Alex Turner in one of the local record shops finding semblance in the singer and the boy he had passed mere hours ago. Luke was making his way through the streets as the day was beginning to fade into evening, the night growing colder and he was on the prowl. Stalking out locations to set up for a few songs before he would have to head to work. Christmas shoppers were in abundance and Luke found himself shuffling through them before his eyes landed on a packed bus stop and his face lit up with possibility. To anyone else large crowds immediately equated large earnings to a busker and Luke did enjoy some of the perks yet for the Patterson boy, his mind was set on one thing; musical connection.
He pulled his guitar off his back, feeling cold seep in where the pressure had been lifted for the first time in a few hours. He placed the case on the ground before him, hearing the comforting click of the latches becoming unhinged before he pulled the guitar into his hands, cradling it with care. The guitar was Luke’s equivalent of a comfort blanket, with the glossy wood pressed against him and the intimate burn of nylon wire pressing into his fingertips as he strummed. He felt right, he felt safe, he felt himself. He leans against the back of the see through bus shelter, beginning his excursion into the music. As if there’s another force driving him, Luke’s eyes flutter close as airy vocals begin flooding from his mouth, tangling with the echoing chords in an intimate dance. Music has been a part of Luke’s life for as far back as he could remember. Music, guitar, lyrics, they were his outlet and his refuge, where he laid himself bare exposing all his pieces while simultaneously helping build himself up into the person he wants to be. He was connected to music on a level beyond the most convenient, mundane definitions. Music was the closest thing Luke had felt to spiritual awakening and he wanted that connection forever, with everyone.
Luke’s eyes fluttered open and he couldn’t help but feel disheartened by the inconspicuousness of it all. He was surrounded by all these people, strangers just passing through, paying each other no mind. He gazed around at the crowded bus stop, everyone hearing him but not a soul listening. A nagging voice that sounded suspiciously like his mother snuck it’s way into the back of his mind, reminding him how far music would get him. With a renewed determination, he continued strumming, his eyes falling closed again. As he sang, he tried forgetting the surrealty of the situation, of being in a crowded place, people surrounding you yet feeling isolated, alone. His mind ran wild with the feeling and for a quick moment, he thought about those two boys in the music shop, about his own yearning for someone to understand.
“But I’m still not certain just how I’m gonna feel. I only know in the moment.” He wasn’t sure if the lyrics fell from his mouth in a strong tone or a pitiful whisper. He was surprised he had continued singing at all with his mind spinning like a carousel he couldn’t stop. Luke had always found music as a safe haven, whenever he played his mind stopped, his thoughts slowed down and he was able to make sense of himself yet on this day, his guitar seemed to be having the opposite effect. His eyes flicked open and Luke prepared to give up altogether. But before he could let his discontent seep into every bone on his body, he leaned his head back and his eyes fell on the bus that had just rolled up to the stop. Music had failed to control his racing thoughts but as his gaze met a pair of green eyes that watched him with unbridled interest, Luke was once again frozen, heart palpitating and mind clear. Because holy shit, he was there, the boy who had bumped into Luke earlier. Luke was watching him, seeing him and this time the boy was seeing him too.
Luke couldn’t stop the timid smile that stretched at his lips as he refused to remove his gaze from the boy separated from him by a pane of glass. In that moment, Luke felt as if it was only them. Be damned the bustling crowd and the barrier that disconnected them, because the boy with the rosy cheeks and slicked back hair and cool leather jacket was watching him with the same undivided attention that Luke was giving him and Luke couldn’t help but think it a sign. The boy had been observing him closely, and Luke knew he was the first person that day that didn’t just hear Luke but he listened, he appreciated him. The unfamiliar feeling made Luke feel mildly confused, unsure if the moment they were sharing was in his head. His own silent concoction of his overactive imagination, making up the connection he was craving or was it real, an unspoken moment shared between strangers and Luke wondered if this boy could be the one to understand him, be his someone, become his people. Luke’s mind found quiet again as the boy on the bus returned his wide eyed gaze from the front of the bus and back to Luke.
Luke met his gaze again, keeping it locked with his own. Was it an invitation? Luke took a step forward and, forgetting about his opened case before him, stumbled over the luggage slightly, knocking it closed. Luke paused for a moment, a sheepish smile on his face as he looked back to the boy who watched him with a kind, humorous expression. His gaze mirrored the boy’s, eyes flickering to where the last of the passengers were boarding and Luke knew he would have to make a decision. He had to choose between his every day and the possibility of something more and was he really in the business of not taking the risk. Luke is a man of action, do now, think later. With the reminder, his mind was made up. Luke’s eyes met the boy’s once more and he was almost convinced he could see the hopeful glint in his stare. Luke moved fast, all ungraceful steps and adrenaline surging through his shaking bones as he grabbed his case from the ground about to get on this bus that he hadn’t a clue where it went. To anyone else it was madness, to Luke it was adventure. This was a step forward with no one here this time to drag him back. He fumbled as he moved, dodging between passersby on the busy street, bumping against bodies in bid to reach the doors. He glanced down at his feet quickly sidestepping everyone else's but from a few steps ahead of him he heard the haunting creak echo through the street, the doors of the bus closing shut.
“Shit.” He hissed to himself, trying to tug his guitar case between people who cursed at him in return. Luke finally found himself on the edge of the sidewalk, watching as the bus drove away, distance being put between himself and the boy for the second time that day and Luke wasn’t sure how to react. He was trying to make sense of it all, the moment they shared, the way the boy lingered in Luke’s mind all day like a hidden memory and how Luke was feeling. He was confused. He thought he should be worried by the sudden onslaught of feelings he’d never experienced before, that he should be scared but Luke couldn’t find himself to think of it that way. He was perplexed yet overall he was excited. For the first day in months, Luke had felt something beyond displacement and entrapment in his everyday life and this time, the comfort hadn’t come from music but another human. He wanted to feel that way again. So maybe without even really realising it, Luke made a silent wish to himself. That he would see that boy again.
🎸
Luke liked the loudness, it created a calm in him that he had so far found unmatched in anything else He marvelled in the noise and chaos that filled the air and made his bones jump with energy. The synchronisation of voices and instruments alike melding together to create a beat that could take over your body and awaken your mind was a high like no other and Luke wanted to ride this high for the rest of his life. He wanted to be the source of that high for people as other musicians had been for him. Music was a cycle, a circle of life, a tradition passed down from generation to generation, like a close idol saying ‘here kid, we’ve done what we could for it, now it’s your turn’. Luke hungered for the chance, he was more than ready. Everyone around him seemed to be less convinced of that fact. So as Luke watched the band on stage mesmerise and hypnotise their audience that screamed wildly and jumped energetically, Luke had to let his mind race with possibilities of the future while he stood stuck behind the bar.
He leaned across the sticky wooden bar, ignoring the initial discomfort and let his body buzz with the atmosphere of The Orpheum that sizzled at his skin and sent shockwaves through his system. Every hair on his arms was standing to attention but as he stared ahead at the rapturous crowd and shining lights of the stage, Luke felt his mind start to drift. He hadn’t managed to keep the boy from the bus stop out of his mind for long that night. Every couple of minutes he managed to sneak his way back into the forefront of Luke’s mind. He wondered if the boy had thought about him since or was he just wishful thinking. He chewed on his lip and wondered if the boy liked concerts the same way Luke did, did they make him feel alive the way Luke did? He closed his eyes, attempting to pause his thoughts once again. Luke wondered why he had felt like that boy had understood him with one simple look more than any permanent figures in his life ever had.
“What’s with the long face, kid?” Luke’s eyes shot open at the familiar voice and he stood up straighter, pushing himself off the bar. Caleb stood across the bar, facing him with a teasing smirk on his lips and his hands tucked into the pockets of his navy dress trousers. He decided to tease further at Luke’s mirthless expression “You’re supposed to be selling the dream.”
“They’re selling the dream.” Luke stated, making a point of outstretching his hand and gesturing to the band currently rocking out on stage, capturing everyone’s undivided attention. “I’m selling water.”
Caleb only laughed at Luke’s dry joke, finding humour where Luke didn’t. Caleb twisted his body to lean against the bar, being able to keep his eye on the show while still having the moody Luke in his peripheral vision. Caleb had a way about him where he could call out Luke on his bullshit and tease him on it and despite it all Luke never felt at odds with him over it. That didn’t mean he didn’t get exasperated over certain things.
“I’m not a kid.” Luke grumbled to himself more than anyone else but Caleb had heard and only chuckled again. Luke had always been ‘kid’ to Caleb. He was sure that even when Luke would be in his forties, Caleb would still be there calling him ‘kid’. At least it was better than the time Caleb had tried to make calling him a ‘young whippersnapper’ stick.
“Okay, you’re not a kid.” Caleb said calmly and Luke knew this wasn’t the end of it so he waited quietly. Caleb turned to glance at Luke over his shoulder, a teasing smirk back on his lips as he asked, “How tall are you again now? 5’4?”
Luke immediately raised his middle finger to flip off his uncle as he rolled his eyes. Considering Caleb was also his boss it probably wasn’t the best work etiquette but Caleb didn’t seem to mind only finding more humour in Luke’s unamused expression and less than friendly hand gestures. He chuckled to himself, turning away from Luke, his attention on the show.
Just then a girl with short shoulder length brown hair and an ecstatic smile bounded up to the bar ordering a drink. Luke proceeded to grab the order, only pausing when returning it as she spoke. “So what time do you get off?”
Luke let a small surprised smile fight its way to his lips through his shock. The girl couldn’t have been much older than him but her forwardness had thrown him for a loop. He had at least another half an hour until Caleb would tell him to take a hike and he was about to tell her as much before Caleb’s voice intruded the pair. “You’re good to finish for tonight, kid. Go catch the end of the show.”
“Perfect.” The girl grinned, sliding her money across the counter and grabbing her drink before departing, sending him a playful wink. “I’ll see you out there.”
Luke stayed silent for a moment, watching as the girl left with a perplexed expression on his face. That was a first. He could hear Caleb chuckle at his momentary confusion as he slid around the bar to Luke. Luke met Caleb's gaze, looking up at him. “Are you serious?”
Caleb nodded, patting Luke gently on the back. “Yeah, I got it here. Go have fun but don’t be home too late. I don’t want Emily calling me up again asking where you were at one in the morning cause you got distracted by a stray dog on the way home.”
Luke nodded in agreement to his terms, looking bashful as he did. In Luke’s defense he had thought the dog was injured and upon further inspection and finding everything was fine, he had really just tried to lead it back to his house. His parents didn’t need to know that part. Luke beamed at Caleb, excited to be out in the crowd, to be part of the wave that was a sea of bodies swaying to the beats, coming together as one. With a skip in his step, Luke grasped his phone where he had stored it under the bar. The screen lit up in his palm, alerting him of numerous calls from his mother hours prior. His good feeling came to a stalemate as his gaze lingered on the illuminated screen, burning the words of his mother’s text to memory.
Ma:
Your school called. We have a lot to talk about when you get home.
“Shit.” Luke muttered, his hand curling into his tangled brunette tendrils. He always knew with all the days he couldn’t physically and mentally bring himself to make it to school, the days when the plain, dull walls mirrored those of a prison cell to him, that his choices would come back to bite him in the ass. He didn’t know what would happen but he knew one thing for sure, he couldn’t go back there. Locking his phone, he pushed the device into his jean pocket, trying to bury his thoughts deep with it.
Luke pressed forward, slowly making his way into the throng of audience members. He pressed and shoved, his body moving on autopilot until he had reached the middle of the crowd. He wanted to be surrounded, consumed, the undeniable feeling that proved that as displaced as he felt in the outside world, that right here in this moment he belonged. They were all strangers with a mutual love, a tether combining them and linking them explicitly together, even if for only a few hours. A warm hand trailed down the expanse of his arm and he was drawn out of his daze, eyes flying to the same girl he had served at the bar previously.
She raised herself on her toes, leaning into Luke, hand delicately placed on his forearm. With her lips close to his ear, she shouted making Luke slightly wince, “I’m Hannah.”
“Luke.” He answered a few octaves lower, he wasn’t as fussed at the thought of whether she could hear him or not. She backed away slowly and smirked at him as her body began to sway beside him, an invitation to join glinting in her gaze. Luke had to stop himself from telling her he didn’t really dance much. Instead he steadily began to mirror her movements. Luke wasn’t well versed in the politics of flirtation and romance. Sure, at the age of thirteen he had been cornered in a kitchen for his first kiss while his mother sat in the next room discussing Pride & Prejudice with her book club but that was about as far as his expertise had gone. Luke never had much time or interest for the majority of his early teenage years. Luke went through life with single minded intensity and when that all fell on music there wasn’t much of him left to entertain anything else. But romance, relationships, sexuality was always something that Luke didn’t think much of, nor really understood much about and know with the lingering image of a boy meeting his gaze through the hazy window of a city bus, the concepts only further confused him, particularly the latter.
Luke’s eyes fluttered close, feeling the swarm of bodies around him, the sweltering heat and music so loud it left a delicious ringing in his ears. His body moved to its own accord, the hidden beat of a snare drum its leader, mimicking the kicking of his heart. Delicate fingers dragged away from his arm, over his shoulder and sneaking behind his neck. Luke could feel his body determining if the feeling was okay and when a brush of breath danced across his lips, his body shivered.
The girl's soft lips were placed against his own and it only took a moment for him to decide that yes, romance, relationships, sexuality were concepts he didn’t quite understand fully but he would have to learn. Because despite the feminine, floral perfume that tickled his nose and the delicate cherry lips that moved against his own, behind his closed eyelids all he saw was rosy cheeks, raven hair and wide green eyes enveloping his entire being and he doubted they’d let him go anytime soon.
And Luke didn’t think he wanted them to.