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Philza loved children, and people, loved having a full house. But like everyone he had his limits. And his limit seemed to be eleven other humans in his home, six of those being children. He had to deal with two elementary students, three middle schoolers and a borderline feral three-year-old. Luckily, there were five other adults to help him but still. Long story short, it was Hell.
Tommy had invited Alex and his family over for dinner, an impromptu Thanksgiving meal. All of them. It was a strange predicament they were in, but Phil couldn’t judge. Alex was being raised by a couple who, Phil quickly realized did not like being referred to as such, the pair weren’t married but they sure acted like it. BadBoyHalo, a towering, giant of a demon who had to bend over to get in the front door, and Skeppy, a short gem humanoid, whose ice blue skin glittered under every light source. And their three kids, who were even more confusing than their guardians. Initially one would think that they’re brothers, but the first time Alex came over he mentioned his ‘boyfriends’ Karl and Sapnap, and that’s who the other two kids were. Sapnap being BBH’s only biological son, and it was obvious.
Like Technoblade they both had the same sort of animalistic legs, but instead of hooves they had chicken feet. Long legs covered in black scales and downy feathers, Bad had long spurs on the inside of each leg, where Sapnap only had small nubs but they were growing in. Bad had large horns sprouting from his forehead, and a spaded tail, while Sapnap didn’t, and Bad’s skin was a dark, dusky, mulberry color, while Sapnap was as white as the rest of them. They resembled the silkie chickens Phil had, with their extra toes and the feathers on their limbs. Their hands and arms were the same way, scaly and just a little feathery, and luckily the extra toes meant they had five fully functional fingers. Sapnap also had Bad’s thick dark hair, though he pushed it away from his forehead with a white sweatband, much like the black sweatbands Phil always wore on his wrists. The kid noticed that too, even asked his dad if he could get a heart on his headband, like the hearts on Phil’s wrists.
And they all looked out of place, in Phil’s house, not together. Phil had tried to make sure his family was dressed nice, and boy was that a bitch. Fundy kept whining and trying to unbutton his little striped sweater vest that Phil had knit for him by hand, Tommy and Tubbo kept swapping their sweaters like a pair of nutjob twins, Schlatt’s horns got stuck in his own sweater. But by the time the guests arrived, the kids were wearing each other’s sweaters, and both Will and Schlatt’s sweaters were abandoned on the back of one of the kitchen chairs. Schlatt had given up trying to put his on and cursed out Phil who had made it at least three times, and Wilbur, who was supposed to match with Schlatt, got fed up and took his off as well. Phil and Technoblade, being competent adults who can dress themselves without issue were the only ones who did so, without issue, except for Fundy hiding from Wilbur in the folds of Phil’s hakama. And Techno, who looked good even on his off days, had on a rich, red velvet jacket, even putting the lapel pin he won from a championship on. But he ditched the jacket pretty early on in the night, and refused to do anything with his mullet, but.. Well, he still looked better than the rest of them! And the guests just came in their casual clothes.
Skeppy in a hoodie and jeans, Alex had on a full tracksuit, Sapnap wore a white t-shirt layered over a black long-sleeve, and cargo shorts, Karl kept gushing about his hoodie and how BBH made it for him, purple with a green spiral on the front, his initials on the back, every panel a different color, even the sleeves. BBH was the most dressed up and from the couple times he came over to pick up Alex Phil knew that the vestments he wore were just his everyday clothes. Black and red chasuble with his initials in gold on the back, pellegrina, and a cassock that would be floor length on anyone else, was only knee-length of him. It was ironic, a demon in Christian vestments, Schlatt definitely noticed if the stink eye he shot Bad was any indicator.
Bad was beyond friendly though, a complete contrast to…Well everything about him. Skeppy on the other hand wasn’t, not really. He was definitely an introvert, and got along pretty well with Technoblade, and the two of them settled on the couch to chat while Tubbo and Tommy led BBH and his kids through the house on a small tour. Phil stayed back in the kitchen with Wilbur, fixing dinner together.
“This is Baby!” Tommy cheered, holding up the lanky white cat to show BadBoyHalo, while Tubbo scooped up the chubby little back cat.
“And this is uh- Boo-Boo Kitty!” Tubbo grinned, the other kids swarming both of them to pet the cats, Bad stood near the doorway to the kitchen with Phil, watching as the kids showed off the sleepy cats before plunking them back on the seats of the chairs. And then Phil shooed them out of the kitchen and upstairs instead, Tommy and Tubbo were eager enough to show off their room. Their room, because Phil had recently renovated it, expanding slightly, and adding a bunk bed for them. Tubbo and Schlatt were staying over so often anymore, and Phil figured Tubbo deserved better than a flattened futon on the floor. He renovated the guest room too, fully converting it from an office to a guest room, built Schlatt a big bed and a dresser, stocked it full of new clothes that Will helped him pick out. Even bought the guy new Timberlands, gave him the boots on his birthday in September, he burst out crying when he opened the gift box, and even hugged Philza.
Most of the tour was showing off rooms the kids weren’t allowed in before hurrying everyone outside to show off all the livestock. Soon Schlatt and Techno slipped out the back door, laughing about something together. Bad felt a little better about not having to watch the kids on his own and was about to join the hybrids on the patio but Schlatt pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, letting Techno pluck one from the pack before lighting the ends of both of them.
“TECHNOBLADE!!!” Tommy shouted, running up to the patio where Techno sat at the glass table.
“Thomas.” Techno coughed out, deadpan.
“When you’re done, d’you wanna come build something with us?” He asked, head tilted slightly, trying to turn his cuteness up to ten so Techno would agree.
Techno just coughed again as he took another drag of the cigarette. “Sure, gimme ten minutes, Schlatt and I are takin’ a break.” He remarked, glancing to Schlatt who was struggling to keep the smoke away from his son who insisted on crawling in his lap.
Tommy huffed and pulled Tubbo from Schlatt. “C’mon, let’s go get some cobblestone from my room.” He mumbled, before calling the other boys to follow, BBH awkwardly shuffling along behind.
“This is gonna be a long day..” Schlatt sighed, exhaling smoke as he stared up at the cloudy sky. It was late November and pretty cold out, but he refused to put his sweater back on and just stole one of Will’s coats from the coat closet, and Techno grabbed his gaudy, red, fur-lined cloak.
“Can I have one?” Came an excited voice at Schlatt’s side all of a sudden. And he quickly realized that not all of the boys had followed Tommy and Tubbo inside. That Alex stayed behind and was currently begging Schlatt for a cigarette.
“Holy fu- What? No, you can’t have one! It’s bad for you.” Schlatt scolded, still startled by how close the young teen was.
“And? You’re smoking it! Is it weed?! I love drugs, lemme have one, please!!” Alex whined, face easily shifting to a pout.
“No, no! It’s not-… Go inside with your dad, you’re a big boy, you can help Tommy carry the blocks out.” Schlatt huffed, waving the kid off. Alex kept frowning for a moment longer before that sly grin was back on his face and he was happily skipping away inside.
Techno just laughed and shook his head at the odd encounter. “Gonna be a long fuckin’ day, huh, Schlatt?” He snorted, taking one last drag before putting the butt out in the ashtray and standing.
“I only got like, two more in my room, might have to bum some off’a you later.” Schlatt sighed, putting out one cigarette before quickly pulling out another and lighting it. He had three left in this pack and two back in the guest room, so he had roughly two and a half more breaks before he’d have to take from Techno’s stash. Which was not something he wanted to do, that guy’s room was terrifying, all dark, and creepy and full of skulls.
“Fuck off. You're not gonna bum shit, Schlatt. Get your own.” Techno growled, heading inside to find the kids so they could start on whatever Tommy wanted to do.
The group came back out eventually, Techno’s arms loaded with blocks, as the kids ran over to the watering hole and started scooping up bucketfuls of water. Bricks of cobble were passed out, and Tommy started going on and on about how he wanted the structure to be built. He was the youngest here, but everyone listened to him as if he was the voice of authority. They were to build a tower up and then a platform on top for playing swords.
“DON’T HURT YOURSELVES!” Schlatt shouted through a mouthful of smoke, even though he knew both Technoblade and BadBoyHalo would be making sure nothing happened to the kids. It was more of ‘Don’t let Tubbo get hurt!’ than anything else.
He only gets a huffy, petulant little “WE WOOOOOON’T!!!” from Tommy which was enough. He also knew Tommy cared for Tubbo like a brother, they were absolutely inseparable.
Schlatt headed back inside after this last cigarette, hanging his coat up before slipping into a seat at the kitchen table, watching as the other two shuffled about, passing dishes back and forth.
“What the hell are they doing out there?” Wilbur asked with a laugh as he peered out the window to the backyard.
“I have no clue, but they plan to play swords eventually I think. I watched that Sapnap kid run by holding like ten wooden swords.” Schlatt shrugged with a slight laugh, standing to look out the window too before trying to get a look in the oven only to be batted away by Phil.
“Oh, God! Quick, get the first aid kit!” Phil laughed, shooing Schlatt away as he stepped to feel for something inside the fridge. He had this whole huge feast planned and couldn’t wait to reveal it. Besides asking Will for help, he refused to tell anyone anything about the meal, refused anyone from looking in the ovens or pulling off the lid to the pot that sat on one of the furnaces. Sure, it was a little frazzling having so many people around, but it gave Phil an excuse to go above and beyond in his cooking.
Dinner would come around three or four in the afternoon, or later if things didn’t get done until later. Only an hour after the kids finished their platform and started playing was a sobbing Tubbo rushed into the house. Well, rushed is the wrong word when he’s being carried in by Technoblade.
“Somethin’ happened, his arm-“ Techno started, setting Tubbo in Schlatt’s open arms, letting the other man check out the wound.
“SAPNAP!! THAT BITCH! HE CUT TUBBO!!!” Tommy shouted, upset on his best friend’s behalf.
Phil hurried to get the first aid kit to patch Tubbo up all the while BadBoyHalo was trying to quiet the kids and stop them from swearing at each other as blame was thrown back and forth.
Soon Tommy started crying because Tubbo was crying, but by some miracle, Fundy slept through all of it. It was easy enough to get Tubbo to stop once he was assured the cut wasn’t so bad, and got it patched up, complete with a kiss from Schlatt, and Tommy stopped sobbing once he got to crawl in Schlatt’s arms as well. Bad’s kids insisted to go back outside so they could continue playing and he let them, following so he could make sure they didn’t hurt each other.
“You guys weren’t supposed to get hurt..” Schlatt sighed to the boy on his lap. They had relocated to the living room, so Tubbo could be comfortable while Phil bandaged him up. The sweater Philza hand knit for Tommy was slashed open and stained with blood but Phil hoped he could repair it at a later date, for now, Tubbo got his original sweater back and Tommy put on another sweater that Phil had made for him before.
“It’s alright, Schlatt, Tubbo’s going to be fine. He’s a trooper, aren’t you, bud?” Will asked from where he sat next to Schlatt with Tommy in his arms. Techno had taken over helping Phil so Wilbur could comfort Tommy, since Tommy wanted Wilbur and not Techno for once.
Tubbo just mumbled something incoherent into Schlatt’s chest, making Will laugh and shake his head slightly. “See. He’s going to be just fine, it’s not a big cut, it’s just a little nick. Kids get those all the time. Don’t beat yourself up over this, I know you are.” Wilbur said, reaching over to grab Schlatt’s hand, giving it a comforting squeeze.
Schlatt nodded, Will did know him well, must have seen the trouble on his face. Schlatt just couldn’t help but beat himself up over this, he thinks himself a terrible father because he ‘let’ Tubbo get hurt. “Thanks, Will. I just feel like it’s my fault, for letting him go out and play swords with those kids. He’s so much smaller than them..” He sighed, petting his other hand across Tubbo’s hair.
“It was an accident. It won’t be so bad in a few years; you’ll look back and laugh on the memory. It’s alright, man.” Will assured, squeezing Schlatt’s hand again. And he’s right, Schlatt knows that this will all be a funny memory to look back on and reminisce on the ‘good old days’. He just doesn't know if he likes that knowledge. It's a weird feeling, uncomfortable almost, realizing that this will all be a memory one day.
They sat in the quiet for a couple of hours, just relaxing and letting the kids calm down from the stress of the incident, Wilbur fully dozing off with Tommy in his arms. Eventually, though, Phil’s poking his head through the doorway and calling them to get everything ready for dinner. They rouse the boys and manage to rouse a little excitement for helping set the table.
Will and Schlatt pull apart the dining table and Techno hauls over the heavy wooden leaf over one shoulder and slams it down in the space. There was enough room for everyone now with the extension. Once the chairs are set out, Tommy and Tubbo stand at both ends of the table and pull out the table runner before running off together to gather placemats and plates.
Tubbo sets out placemats, and Tommy sets out the plates, the two of them bickering about where they wanted to sit as they did so. There was no ‘kids table’ at Phil’s house, everyone was equal and got to sit at the same table. The boys of course wanted to sit together, but Tommy also wanted Phil to sit by him, which meant he’d have to convince the man to not sit at the head of the table like he usually did. It felt like more of a challenge to Tommy than it actually was.
The rest of the kids were herded inside and sent to go wash their hands in the bathrooms. Alex tagging along with Schlatt, Tubbo, and Tommy instead of following his dad. Fundy and Skeppy were woken by Will and hurried off to go wash as well.
Philza fixed up the table’s setting after Tommy and Tubbo went through. There was a big pumpkin with the top cut off and emptied out to be filled with flowers, sunflowers, and roses, lilies of the valley, and dandelions. There were two candelabras, a bottle of apple cider, and a teapot beside the centerpiece pumpkin, and sprigs of lilac and ferns decorate the table. And it was utterly full of food. Two fat, roast chickens, five small roast rabbits, several slabs of smoked salmon, each with a different seasoning, a platter stacked with rich, orange crescents of pumpkin. A deep bowl of candied golden carrots, mashed potatoes glistening with butter and a tray of baked potatoes with toppings set to the side so everyone could fix their own, a basket full of rolls, honeyed and baked with cheese, a big basket of muffins beside that, baked and brought by BadBoyHalo. There were chocolate chip muffins, double chocolate, carrot cake, honey and berry, even pumpkin muffins with streusel flaked with gold. The desserts Phil made sat on the table as well, ambrosia salad, fruity gelatin and whipped cream mixed with golden apples and glistering melons, big red berries and big red apples, a pumpkin pie, and an apple-berry pie that Phil had moved to the windowsill of his bedroom so no one would see it while it cooled. Besides the centerpiece, the main attraction was the big pot of mushroom stew, that Phil sank the ladle into and gave one last stir before calling everyone in to eat.
He’s never seen any of them look so shocked before, as everyone shuffled into the dining room and took in the sight of the table. “Holy shit, Phil. This is enough to feed an army!” Schlatt laughed, bewildered at just how much food Phil made. No wonder it took Phil all day to make all of it.
Phil just shrugged it off and told everyone to find a seat. He slipped Mall into the jukebox that he got Techno to move into the dining room and was about to take his seat at the head of the table when Tommy pulled him to the side of the table that he wanted to sit on and insisted his father sit beside him. Phil went along with it far easier than Tommy would have thought and easily sat down next to his son. Tommy and Tubbo sat together, and Schlatt sat on Tubbo’s side, Wilbur sat at that end of the table with Fundy sitting across from Schlatt so they both could watch the tot and make sure he didn’t accidentally choke or anything. Next to Fundy were the other kids, and next to Phil sat Bad and Skeppy, Techno sitting at the other end of the table across from Wilbur.
Everyone loaded their plates up with food, Wilbur helping Fundy pick out what he wanted, and dishes were passed around as everyone figured out what they wanted. Before anyone could eat, Schlatt, as always, had them say Grace, had everyone hold hands, and actually said the prayer out loud. Dinner went by fairly easily, Schlatt dipping out halfway through for a cigarette break out back before coming back to rejoin the meal. Tommy ate way too much ambrosia and started whining about a bellyache on his fifth serving of the stuff, at least he ate other food before he started gorging himself on ambrosia.
Phil had Techno and Wilbur help with dishes and packing up leftovers for everyone to take home. Every time Bad or Skeppy were asked what they wanted to take home they both brushed it off. Their kids however made sure they got to take home plenty of dessert and got the rest of the ambrosia that Tommy didn’t eat. Schlatt spent the rest of the evening outside, in the front yard for once, with Tommy and Tubbo, Tommy lying face down in the grass cooling off, Tubbo staring up at the stars, and Schlatt smoking his last few cigarettes. Once he finished the third one, he joined the kids in the grass, lying on his back next to Tubbo.
He asks Tubbo what he sees in the stars and Tubbo goes on about all the constellations he sees or thinks he sees, and eventually, Tommy shimmies over to them and the pair start making constellations up and renaming old ones. Orion turns into ‘Mr. Minecraft' and Ursa Major and Minor turn into ‘Big Sheep’ and ‘Little Sheep’ respectively. Tommy wanted one too, so Virgo turns into ‘The Child’, which led to the boys play wrestling, tumbling around in a heap.
Soon though BadBoyHalo and Skeppy, and all their kids come shuffling out the door. Schlatt recognized the awkward way they were trying to leave; he knew how Phil would keep talking and trying to reel them back in. Tommy was pouncing on Alex once the teen was outside, giving him a big farewell hug.
“Schlatt, Papi! Come gimme a hug too!” Alex said with that ever-present grin on his face as he opened his arms up for the older man.
“ALEX! Language! Let’s go!” BBH scolded with an affronted huff as he grabbed Alex by the collar of his tracksuit and escorted him away, the rest of the family following behind.
Schlatt just gave a tired sigh and shook his head and herded Tubbo and Tommy back inside. It was getting a bit too chill for his liking anyway. Phil and Technoblade were at the kotatsu table, in their pajamas already, playing some card game only they understood, and Will was fast asleep with Fundy curled up in his lap.
“You guys wanna get ready for bed?” Schlatt quietly asked the boys before they ran off again.
“We’re staying the night?” Tubbo asked, glancing to Tommy eagerly.
“Yeah, might as well.” Schlatt answered with a shrug, letting the two of them push and shove to get upstairs first. He collapsed next to Phil with a heavy sigh.
“Long day, huh?” Phil didn’t take his eyes off the card game as he spoke.
“Yeah, and I don’t even know why. I did jack shit,” Schlatt sighed, leaning heavily against Phil, who only pulled his hand away from his cards to pat Schlatt’s head quickly before going back to the game. “Thanks, man, that helps a ton.” He said with a low laugh. And it really did help, oddly enough, that small touch made Schlatt feel better, at least a little.
He huffed another over-dramatic sigh, much to Techno’s chagrin. “Will you quit sighin’ and go check on the kids? They like to try killin’ themselves before bed.” He grunted, not pulling his eyes off the game either.
“Yeah, yeah. Love all you guys, have a good night.” Schlatt muttered, pushing himself to stand and go check on Tommy and Tubbo.
Once he poked his head in and made sure they weren’t playing around or getting hurt, he did have to scold Tommy to not hang off the top bunk, he left again. He paused though, at Techno's door. Schlatt...Couldn't bring himself to step foot in it. Not for the pig's poor taste in decor, but for the fact he's suddenly realized that he wants to quit. Well, not sudden, and he doesn't really want to. But he has to, and he knows that. He knows that if he doesn't quit it will ruin his life. He doesn't know the full effect, but for the past couple of months, he's been fraught with these dreams, nightmares maybe. Haunting warnings almost, of what his life would be like if he doesn't quit. He's seen himself cruelly abandon his son in the shoulder of some busy highway, seen himself die a slow, painful death surrounded by people who grew to hate him. And... It just doesn't sit right with him. He wakes up sick from every one of those 'dreams'.
"You aren't going into Technoblade's room, are you?" He hears suddenly, it was Wilbur, standing a few feet away cradling a still sleeping Fundy in his arms.
"Nah. No. I was just putting the boys to bed." Schlatt assures, stepping away from the door to move past Wilbur. He can't ignore the disgusted look on his friend's face when he catches a whiff of the cigarette smoke that clung to Schlatt's clothes.
Will just huffs and frowns, muttering a goodnight to Schlatt as he disappeared into his own bedroom with his son. Schlatt returns the goodnight and continues down the stairs, it was early but he didn't need to stay up late anyway. He had to get up early for work anyway. Phil and Techno still sat around the table, playing their game, not looking up at all when Schlatt passes by to get to the guest room.
He'd have to talk to Phil tomorrow, the man always woke up early, they could discuss Schlatt moving in for good. It was getting harder and harder to pay rent anymore, and even if he did quit smoking and drinking it'd still be a struggle. The apartment never really felt like Home, not like Phil's house did. Even the little cave, with the pink door and the lawn, that he lived in with Phil years ago felt more like Home than the apartment does. Maybe it was Phil's presence that made a house feel like Home.
It'd be hard, quitting his addictions and coming to terms with moving back in Phil, and sacrificing his dignity and pride for safety. But it's what was needed, it was for the best, and Schlatt knew that. He wouldn't drink himself to death, he won't leave his son to be raised completely by other people. Not in this timeline at least. Here, and now, Schlatt can try to make things right.