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1. Aunt May
Aunt May was the first to react to the news. She came over for tea, and glared sternly down her nose at Wade as he let her in. Wade’s stomach dropped. She had probably read the papers, hadn’t she?
All through tea she kept giving Wade these sidelong glances that made him feel… a lot more scared of a little old lady than he’d ever thought he could be, that’s for sure.
“You know, Peter.” She said. “That lovely Mary Jane is back in town.”
Peter choked on a muffin. He coughed in huge, hacking, gasps. Then he looked up at her, the realisation dawning on him. The same realisation that Wade had had about two seconds after he’d answered the door.
“I… Wade’s right here, Aunt May! And I’m quite happy with him. And why would you even suggest that?”
May folded her hands primly. “I was not altogether in approval of you dating a mercenary to begin with, Peter! But now he’s a cheater too. And with that funny Spider-fellow. I really think that you should start considering your options.”
Wade gaped silently. He… couldn’t really argue this. There was no way he could explain the complicated situation to May without making things even worse. And he didn’t think May was all that interested in listening to him right now to begin with.
Peter swallowed. He looked over at Wade, and then he looked over at May, and he finally sighed.
“I… think I can tell you.” Peter said. “I don’t know what in the hell I’m going to tell everyone else. But Aunt May… I guess I have to tell you. Just… don’t tell anyone, ok? That was me. Spider-Man, is me.”
May stared at Peter. “No you’re not.” She said. “You’re just a normal young man. You can’t be Spider-Man! Don’t be ridiculous.”
Peter sighed. Then he kicked off his shoes. He flipped onto the ceiling and hung there. “Does this convince you?” He asked.
May’s mouth hung open. “Peter! Get down from there!” She scolded.
Peter dropped onto the floor, and watched her cautiously.
“I raised you with better manners than that.” She said. “Climbing all over the ceiling during tea. Even if you are Spider-Man!”
2. Harry Osborn
Harry Osborn popped over the next day, with a bottle of fine scotch in hand for Peter and a deep hateful glare for Wade, who opened the door. Wade was already sick of getting glared at, and he had the sinking feeling that this might just be his life now.
“You’re a real piece of work.” Harry spat in Wade’s direction. “You know that?”
He pushed past Wade and ventured into the apartment by himself. Wade let him, because Harry was Peter’s best friend. And he figured it might be best for them both to sort it out without his presence.
Wade waited awkwardly out in the hall, straining to listen in to the muffled sound of them talking through the walls, but he couldn’t catch a word of it.
When he came back from a short solo mission a few hours later, he could hear the sound of drunken laughter from the other room. He poked his head in to check on them, and it seemed that together they had downed the whole bottle of very expensive, and rather high proof scotch.
Harry stiffened when he saw Wade. “You!” He shouted in slurred speech. “I don’t believe for one second wha Peter told me! There’s no way that Spider-Man was the one who kissed you!”
Wade scratched the back of his neck. “You’d be surprised.” He said, sheepishly. “Spider-Man is actually pretty shameless. You wouldn’t believe the things he’s asked me to do to him, on many an occasion.”
Peter screwed up his face. “Shameless? Wh-“ He started to argue before considering something. “Wait… who’m I again?”
So, he was pretty drunk too.
“Peter.” Wade reminded him.
“Oh. Good. Yes. Spider-Man is very shameless, indeed, then.” Peter said, fumbling drunkenly with his empty glass. “He’s… he’s a total home-wrecker.” He added. He was actually a pretty decent actor for someone who was so completely sloshed. At least as long as he remembered what role he was supposed to be playing, that currently he was supposed to be Peter Parker and not Spider-Man.
Wade grabbed a bottle of cheap vodka from the kitchen and downed it in one go, and by two in the morning they were all singing ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ together, as loudly and as drunkenly as they could, and thoroughly pissing off the neighbours.
They all woke up with one hell of a headache. But Harry greeted Wade at least semi-cordially as he slunk his way out of the apartment, so Wade figured he was off Harry’s bad books again, at least for now.
3. Johnny Storm. (Well… he actually isn’t very pissed off, but Peter sure is.)
Peter got one text from Johnny. And it read ‘WTF’. And a laughing/crying emoticon.
Which meant he’d probably seen the story online. Which meant it was fucking online. Which was just great.
A few minutes later Peter answered a knocking at his door, which was punctuated by cackles of raucous laughter. He opened his door to see Johnny Storm, much as he expected, and then he quickly grabbed a broom so he could put out his doormat.
“Did you have to set fire to the doormat? Wade custom ordered that.” Peter complained as Johnny let himself in.
“Sorry. I sort of rushed right over here.” Johnny apologised between giggles. He had powered down before knocking, at least. “I had to be here, like, right away!”
Peter sighed. “So you saw the article, then?”
“Saw it? Baby, I’m in it now.”
“What?”
“Honey-pie, I made one stop on my way over here. And I gave them the inside scoop.”
“Shit! Johnny! Seriously! I don’t need this getting any bigger and stupider than it already is! What inside scoop?”
“It’s alright.” Johnny crooned, and Peter felt that it was probably very much not alright. “I just explained to a reporter that a certain spurned Spidey is having a very difficult time right now, and that I may or may not be… comforting him. If you know what I mean.”
Peter stared at Johnny. “You are not comforting me!” He exclaimed in horror. “Ugh! You stupid media whore!”
“Wade!” Peter called out loudly, before turning back to Johnny and muttering. “You take it back right now. You go back there, and you undo this.”
“Wade! Honey! Come out here, and bring the swords!” Peter called out again.
Johnny started looking a little nervous. “You… you don’t mean that.”
“Oh yes I do.” Peter insisted. “Aunt May reads the papers. I had to tell her I was Spider-Man yesterday, and hearing about you ‘comforting me’ may just kill her. Plus Wade’s quite frankly been looking for an excuse to slice you to bits for a long time, he was never your biggest fan.”
Johnny swallowed. He looked genuinely torn for a moment. “Fine! I’ll go recant my story.” He said, disappointedly.
“Make sure you do!” Peter called out after him. “Wade’s pretty good at hunting people down!”
Wade rushed into the room just as Johnny left it, his swords at the ready and his mask on crooked, so only one eye was lined up with an eyehole, and the other eyehole was positioned somewhere around his ear.
“Did flameboy leave already?” He asked.
“Yeah.” Peter said.
“Damn.” He said, before sheathing his swords and fixing up his mask.
4. J Jonah Jameson
Peter was doing a video chat meeting with Jonah, when Wade walked behind him to get something from across the room.
“Wait a second... Is that your boyfriend? There, behind you!” Jonah asked Peter.
“Why d-“ Peter started.
“JUST WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE SNEAKING OFF TO WILSON? YOU GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE. I’VE GOT SOMETHING I’D BLOODY WELL LIKE TO SAY TO YOU!” Jonah screamed out of Peter’s computer.
Wade froze. Then he strode up to the computer and looked down derisively at the face on the screen.
“Oh, yeah?” He asked, with an irritated grin. “Well, spit it out, then. I haven’t got all day.”
Jonah flinched a little, but then he came back in full force, his moustache trembling. Peter stepped away and out of the camera’s view, and then blocked his ears.
“YOU THINK YOU SCARE ME JUST ‘CAUSE YOU’RE SOME TWO-BIT MERCENARY? I EAT GUYS LIKE YOU FOR BREAKFAST, YOU- YOU! PETER HERE IS MY BEST PHOTOGRAPHER, AND A VERY FINE YOUNG MAN! AND FOR YOU TO GO GALLAVANTING AROUND BEHIND HIS BACK WITH SOME WALL-CRAWLING FREAK IS JUST… IT’S JUST NOT RIGHT, I TELL YOU. IT’S NOT RIGHT!”
Wade raised an eyebrow. He wasn’t in the mood to get lectured by Jameson of all people, who by no means was Peter’s friend. JJ had treated Peter pretty poorly in general, in Wade’s opinion.
“Peter’s going places, you take it from me.” Jonah said. “He’ll eventually get the sense to leave your cheating ass and you’ll have lost yourself a very fine young man, Wilson. He’s better than that Spider-Man fella anyday.”
Peter’s hands had fallen away from his ears as soon as Jonah had stopped yelling. And his mouth had fallen open when he’d heard JJ say something so… nice.
“Thank you, Mr Jameson.” Peter said, stunned.
“I WASN’T TALKING TO YOU! I WAS TALKING TO THE STUPID, CHEATING, LYING, SUPER-POWERED MENACE OVER THERE. IT’S ATROCIOUS THESE DAYS, THE WAY PEOPLE TREAT EACH OTHER! THEY’VE GOT NO RESPECT! THEY GO AROUND GALLAVANTING ON ROOFTOPS LIKE FOOLS, CHEATING ON PEOPLE WHO DON’T BLOODY WELL DESERVE TO BE CHEATED ON!”
Peter stifled a giggle at the surprising amount of kindness masked behind Jameson’s ungodly shouting, and instead smiled good-naturedly. “Thank you, Jonah, but I think that’s enough.” Peter said, steering a starting-to-get-frustrated Wade from the room.
“Saying that I’ve got no respect for you? He’s a hypocrite!” Wade said to Peter on his way out. Peter froze, hoping beyond hope that Jonah hadn’t heard that.
“I’M A WHAT? GET BACK HERE AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE YOU-“
“Dammit, Wade!” Peter said, before rushing back to the computer in an utterly futile attempt to calm Jameson down.
5. What’s big and horny and likes to hang out with a beach?
Wade was rather surprised when, upon successfully foiling a robbery and then stopping off on his way home to get a taco from a taco cart (still dressed as Deadpool), the street beneath his feet started shaking. He seemed to be experiencing an earthquake, one that was sudden onset and off the charts.
“Huh?” As he so eloquently put it, was the only observation to come out of his mouth before he found himself hit with the force of a ten tonne truck, and being tossed across the street like a ragdoll. He dropped his taco.
Wade sat up and shook his head. He stood up, feeling the creak of broken bones already knitting themselves back together.
“Ok… who… what… eek!” He exclaimed, as he caught sight of the hulking mass standing in front of him, and that was reaching down to pick him up.
“Rhino.” The man snorted, holding Wade in the air by the scruff.
Wade gulped. “Gee, I can’t see why they’d call you that…” He said meekly. And then a laugh accidentally slipped out.
“Please don’t hurt me!” He squealed. (But in a totally manly way, of course.)
“Oh, we’ll hurt you.” Rhino said. “But first we’re gonna give you a message.”
Rhino looked to his left. A column of sand reared up beside him and formed the shape of a man. The Sand-Man said, “The message is… don’t fuck with Peter Parker. And especially don’t cheat on him… with Spider-Man! I mean, what kind of a-”
Wade narrowed his eyes. “You guys don’t exactly look like friends of Peter’s.” He observed.
“Yeah, well, Peter’s been hosting some therapy sessions with us an’ some of the other regular inmates to try an’ help us work through our problems.”
So that’s what Peter always did on Tuesday afternoons, Wade thought. He was starting to wonder. He’d always sort of assumed(hoped) that Peter was a secret stripper or something. He's always had a bit of a thing for strippers.
But this better explained why Peter had so far refused to tell him. Because he was actually just putting himself in stupid amounts of danger and doing it without even wearing his costume.
“So, I guess the therapy’s not exactly working, then.” Wade said. “You know, if you’re planning on beating me to a pulp an’ all, an activity which I’m fairly certain isn’t healthy, moral, or legal.”
Sand-Man shrugged, and Rhino just looked confused.
“Eh. Progress is progress. It takes time.” Sand-Man said, as Rhino nodded and cracked his knuckles menacingly.
“Uh-oh.” Wade said.
“Uh-oh is right.” Rhino said, looking quite happy to have got that one.
“Not the faaaaaaace!” Wade cried out, and it could be heard across two city blocks.
+1. Flash Thompson
“Seriously? You had a chance to get with Spider-Man? Spider-Man! And you went back to Puny Parker?”
“Well it’s nice to see you again too, Flash? How have you been doing these days?” Peter said, sarcastically. Flash, who he hadn’t seen since he’d finished high school, had apparently stopped them both in the street just to say that to Wade.
“I’m sorry, who are you?” Wade asked in the rudest tone he was capable of.
“He’s nobody.” Peter said quickly.
“I’m Flash Thompson. Went to school with Peter. I’m also the leader of the Spider-Man fanclub.” Flash said proudly.
Leader of the Spider-Man fanclub? Wade mouthed in surprise, before following it up with. “There’s a Spider-Man fanclub?”
“We meet on Tuesdays.” Flash said.
Wade stared at him. “…right. Well, I’ve got to get going-“
“How could you turn down Spider-Man?” Flash interrupted.
Wade narrowed his eyes at him. “I don’t see how that’s any of your business, shit-for-brains.”
“Well, if you’re really done with him… could you get me his number?” Flash asked hopefully, and Wade just stared at him.
And then he burst out into peals of hysterical laughter.
“Wade… people are looking!” Peter hissed.
“I can’t… I can’t… It’s just too funny!” Wade exclaimed, slapping his thighs.
Wade turned to a startled businessman who was staring at him and pointed to Flash. “This guy just asked me for Spider-Man’s number! That has gotta be the funniest thing I’ve heard all year!”
Peter winced and grabbed Wade by the elbow. “Sorry, Flash.” He muttered as he steered Wade away and down the street.
“Stop lookin’ at me like that.” Flash threatened the businessman, although his words had no bite to them.
“No, it’s cool, actually. You took your shot when you had it. I can respect that.” The guy said, awkwardly. “Speaking of… I’m Jonathan Law the Fourth.” He held out his hand for a handshake.
He was fairly young and attractive as businessmen go, Flash thought, as he accepted the guy’s handshake.
“Did you want to go for coffee? On me?” John asked, flashing a killer smile.
“I suppose I’ve got an hour to spare.” Flash said. Because after all, there were worse ways to spend an afternoon, weren’t there?
They had a rather lovely coffee date, at the end of which John gave Flash his number. And Flash was planning to call him soon. He was thinking they could go to something like a baseball game together. Who knows, maybe they could even make it to first base.
Peter and Wade were both exhausted from the week they’d had. That was one hell of a misunderstanding. But as they fell asleep in each other’s arms, they both felt surprisingly content. Because no matter what life throws at them, they love each other, more completely and more truly than they had ever thought was possible.
And because for Wade Wilson, Kissing Peter Parker is what makes it all worthwhile.