Chapter Text
He was sure he was going to die alone.
Alone and unloved.
Because that’s what he deserved, as he was such a burden he deserved to be unloved. To be alone and that’s what he was always told.
He would never find his soulmate because he simply didn’t have one.
He was too unloveable to have one, why would someone ever love such a beast like him? Why would someone spend their time with him, someone as weak and pathetic doesn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve anything, as the days grew colder and he was more alone than ever.
He reminded himself of that, over and over again.
You are weak. Weak, unloveable and alone. That is how you will live and die, there is no point in trying to change fate.
So he went on, letting those cursed thoughts breed in the back of his head. It's where they would stay, for the rest of his life until he dies the death he seems fit for himself.
Or more, that’s what he thought.
The first time he saw his soulmate, he was in despair, distress, anguish. He was everything but happy or positive about it, he sometimes wishes he knew what they thought. The first time they laid their eyes upon him, they were cold and dead.
Dead as could be and maybe, he thought, maybe this was a greater punishment than having no soulmate.
A punishment fit for him so well. Maybe some god was looking down at him, laughing at his pathetic life and how they toyed on. He felt like crying, tears pricked at his eyes and he knew.
He knew that he would never be able to be on good terms with them because they were enemies.
His soulmate wanted nothing more than him dead, it was a horrible feeling. Knowing that to be true, being hunted by the person that is supposed to be your life time partner, your other half.
Atsushi Nakajima could barely stand it. He couldn’t stand the way he glared at him, his glare was like a millions combined and yet Atsushi could never quite live without it, he often found himself imagining it. It was distasteful.
He couldn’t stand the words he spoke to him, every word of it was like another rip in his heart, another reason why he could never be at peace.
The way he could see the fondness in his eyes as he ripped into him. It was putrid, it was horrid and it was their form of love.
He tried not to think of it as they fought, as he claws ripped into his soulmates flesh, as he damned him. He tried to become numb to it, he never told a soul about the way he found his other half. He knew the others would sympathize with him but they would also worry.
They would worry about him joining The Port Mafia, it was reasonable of course. Why wouldn’t he want to be with his beloved? It only made sense and if Atsushi was anymore foolish, he probably would have dropped to his knees the minute he saw the cold faced man.
But he couldn’t. He knew he couldn’t because his beloved had ideals and an occupation he didn’t agree with at all, he lived a lifestyle he couldn’t imagine doing. He was not fit for it.
Atsushi has a very sympathetic heart, one full of love and trust and forgiveness, he couldn’t ever imagine becoming as someone as cold, as ruthless and dangerous as Akutagawa Ryunosuke.
He couldn’t join him, he couldn’t talk to him and his heart ached.
It ached and yearned to be with him every second of the day, it was worse than any other pain he had ever experienced and he has been through unimaginable pain. It's worse when it's night, when he is drowsy in bed.
When he is vulnerable, curled up in a small ball with thin blankets wrapped around him. Then he truly wishes he had peace with his soulmate, then he continues to wonder and think.
Does he feel the same way? Does he feel this unbearable pain or is he so cold and emotionless it feels like nothing to him?
He recalls their fight on the boat, now it all seems like a haze, like some sort of dream but it felt so very real. Atsushi wakes up in cold sweats because of it.
It manages to make its way into his dream.
So he thinks about it before his dream can manifest.
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Akutagawa stares at him, emotionless and dead as ever. He never seems to have any emotion in his eyes but annoyance or rage, Atsushi becomes very fond of it after this battle.
Though as of now, there is no time to think as he stands wounded and nearly defeated in front of his soulmate. Blood, in all of its glory, runs from all of his open wounds and he can only match gazes with Akutagawa.
He can’t think of a word to say but knows it’s for the better.
“Hell has damned us to be soulmates” Akutagawa starts, he seems upset. Upset by the fact they were chosen each other, the fact he has to deal with this.
Atsushi makes no noise, no movement at all. “It’s very… melodramatic. I would have never chosen you, you are weak and have no use to me. Even if we were subordinates, I wouldn't even look you in the eye” he continues and still Atsushi shows no reaction.
“You will die by my Rashomon, I will kill you man-tiger” Akatugawa says, with the nod of his head as if accepting his role, his duty, his destiny. “I will not regret this decision, I will not regret it as you are below me. You have no useful skills, not even your ability can render you useful. You have no control, you are just a burden. You are a burden to me. I will get rid of you”
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The words replay in his head. Over and over again, does Akutagawa feel guilt for saying such horrid things to him?
Atsushi stares at the wall of his room, his cramped room where he resides. He comes to the conclusion that he simply would never know unless the raven haired one told him but he suspects that he doesn’t.
It’s just enough to make him fall into a depressive, dream-less sleep.